Compliant and misogynist mirage men are poor communicators with their wives by design. They fear the emotional and legal consequences if they show their true selves after building a relationship based on the empty values of physical attraction and charm with little regard to shared interests, values and goals and compatibility. After the peak Honeymoon period fades, they realize they are stuck with a stranger that annoys and/or bores them. Then they try to make the best of a bad decision. They believe it is less threatening to their marriage or cohabitation to hide behind a wall of silence and enjoy an extremely low level of happiness than reveal their true feelings of disapppointment and risk losing the cohabitation relationship immediately or, if married, going to divorce court.
In former 2008 Democratic primary presidential candidate and North Carolina Senator John Edwards case, imagine what his terminally ill wife Elizabeth would have said if he casually mentioned that he wanted to have a relationship on the side with his sexy campaign videographer Rielle Hunter? Instead he went to great lengths to keep his true feeling secret and lived the dual life of dutiful husband and secret lover/expectant father.
John Edwards is a very public example of the millions of mirage men in everyday life that you find living the dual life. You find them frequenting strip clubs and trying to tiptoe in at midnight to get to the shower and wash off the cheap perfume from a lap dance before crawling into bed. Others have more of a physical relationship with their computer than their spouse. No wonder writer Lesley Dorman observed in Redbook Magazine that "What are you thinking?" are the four most terrifying words a woman can say to a man.
This is the tragedy of Mirage Man Syndrome. The compliant or misogynist mirage man sells himself to his woman as her Prince Charming or Mr. Sensitive. When the woman buys into the persona the man portrays, she is defrauded into purchasing a myth. Her experience is similar to that of someone who buys a house based on a picture and a description on Facebook. When she shows up in a moving van with all her earthly possession ready to move in once the escrow closes, she discovers that the house is a facade like those used in grade-B Westerns. There is no depth or substance to the person she has committed to, merely an attractive exterior.
Consider the experience of legendary Rat Pack member, comedian, television host and singer Dean Martin and his second wife Jeanne. In a interview she revealed that Dean used the same flawed technique of courtship as other mirage men with the same sad results, quipping, "When I met Dean Martin, it was love at first sight... I married him knowing nothing about him. I divorced him twenty-three years later, and I still know nothing about him."
Sadly, Senator Edwards and Dean Martin are typical of men of the last century who have been taught from an early age that supeficiality is the way to romance. The very institution of marriage is declining in America as millions of men find short term success but long term failure. Yet our political, religious and intellectual leaders from both sides of the ideological divide seem stumped at the cause. There is a better way.