I study resilience all around the world, and the thing I’ve learned most is that what we have inside of us (personal strengths, positive beliefs, hope for the future, etc.) accounts very little for why people survive great adversity. If we can learn anything from the story of Aaron Purmort, who died of a cancerous brain tumor shortly after the birth of his child, it’s that we are stronger when we are loved and well looked after.
Aaron Purmort’s story was recounted stage by stage by his wife, Nora McInerny (the two met online through Twitter and made quite a sensation when they married). This is such a compelling story of a woman’s love for her partner. And that’s why it is also a story about resilience. My own work, and that of many other researchers and therapists, shows us that when we have good relationships, a sense of belonging, experience some personal control (even in a situation of powerlessness, like coping with cancer), and have our basic needs met, we are much more likely to cope well with incredible adversity. In other words, just as we are now realizing that traumatic events during childhood like physical abuse and neglect are related to physical health problems (e.g., heart disease and obesity) during adulthood, so too can we say that the more our social connections and communities facilitate our access to the physical, emotional and psychological supports we need, the more likely we are to be resilient.
That might sound like a very subjective opinion, but the bulk of the research on resilience shows that under adversity the quality of our environment counts much more to our success than individual qualities. Motivational speakers might pack auditoriums with the message “You can change your life if you change your thinking” but the truth is, our lives are a lot more changeable the better our governments, employers, schools, and families provide us with what we need to do well when we're in crisis.
If I could be even more provocative…let’s not forget that Aaron obviously had health insurance, and all the other comforts that allowed him to weather this terrible situation. Imagine someone who was just as ill but unbelievably stressed by the cost of every IV, every pill, and every night’s stay in a hospital bed. You see, we think of resilience so often as heroic personal strategies, when in fact, it’s us, all of us, who make people resilient. Whether there’s trouble at work, or a major flood, a bully at school, or cancer, we are better able to cope the better our support systems are at meeting our needs as they change.
If you want to be more resilient, build both internal and external resources. You’ll find that the external supports (a job, a friend, a house, and a ride, as Al Condeluci says) that you build around you will make you much better able to cope with stress. Two minutes of meditation, a few yoga moves, or mental gymnastics won’t get you through cancer. A loving wife who notices how special you are, and a good hospital to treat you, will make a far bigger difference to the final outcome and the quality of life you experience getting there.