I have an allergy to superiority. It’s my Achilles heel. Start talking down to me and patronizing me in a belittling tone and I can feel my blood pressure begin to step up. My nervous system triggers and I have to work hard at quickly assuring it (me) that I am safe and to please calm down because I don’t want to react and get defensive with the person who is (or I feel is) demeaning me (uh, sometimes they’re not…blush). Getting defensive would only exacerbate the situation and I would lose—a chance at learning something, the relationship, and my own sense of inner peace and self-confidence.
The perfect depiction of this situation is when Dr. Bruce Banner feels some sort of threat and begins to transform into the Incredible Hulk. He leaves quite a mess behind and completely ruins his clothes. I can’t afford to purchase new clothes. This post is for anyone that has to deal with people that are difficult and that tend to push our hulk buttons. Don’t let them win. Try these advanced ninja people strategies instead. (A ninja is a specially trained sneaky kind of assassin. These skills are designed to help you secretly shut down that hulk trigger, so that you can leave a confrontation with your dignity in tact. You cool cat.)
It’s about them
The first and most important thing to know is that often when someone is saying something (aka giving unsolicited advice, blaming, attacking), they often are talking about themselves. Before you react, imagine if what they said actually applies to them. Heck, you can even turn it around and ask them if they ever experienced xyz or felt the way they are suggesting you feel.
Can you hear me?
Let’s say you’re dealing with one of those people that actually can’t shut up and has a nasty habit of interrupting you. You can hold up your hand with your index finger (not the middle one) or simply say, “I’m not finished yet, one moment please.” Or you can deepen it and share, “I really hadn’t finished and when you interrupt and change the subject, I feel like you’re not interested in me or what I have to say.” If they are just chomping at the bit, you can listen to them. You could also share that you really want to hear what they are saying yet you can’t focus and truly hear them until you can finish what you were saying.
Being heard without advice
Perhaps you actually just want to share with the person and you don’t want their advice. You can deter your frustration by telling them up front that you’d like to share a story or experience without getting advice. Ask if they can just listen so you can get a few things off your chest. If the situation delves into an area where you think you’ll get disagreement from the other party, finish it with something like, “I’m not asking you to agree with me, but can you understand where I’m coming from?” Yet if you actually want someone’s advice with the freedom to do what you want to do (without upsetting them or feeling obligated to do what they say), try being up front about it with, “I would like your opinion about XYZ, yet really want to discern what I want to do about, so will you give me advice even if I don’t end up following it?”
Ninja power listening
We’ve talked about a few things you can say. The most essential ninja strategy of all is to listen. Really listen. Understand what the person is saying and what they appear to be feeling underneath the words. Then repeat it so they know you really understand them. This single act of acknowledging what the other person says can reduce most of the friction in life. You don’t have to agree with them. In fact good listening isn’t about agreeing at all, only understanding another person’s perspective. Ninja listening is about understanding another’s perspective and then compassionately relaying what you’ve heard them say. When a person feels heard and understood, they can more fully hear you and healthy bonding occurs.
Our enemy
Let go of control. One of the most misunderstood dynamics in a relationship is the concept of control. Maybe it comes from too much sales training. Manipulative communication tactics such as, “the first one to speak loses” is the death nail to successful trust building. Deep down people actually do feel manipulated and can respond defensively or passive aggressively. Maybe not today, yet definitely tomorrow. Relationships are not win-lose. Let go of trying to control the outcome. Drop the analysis, judgment and just listen with an open mind and heart. Oh, and when the other person is speaking, empty your mind of what you want to say and how you want to respond. Good listening and understanding can’t take place when your brain is assessing, controlling, strategizing, and thinking of your own response. You missed the opportunity to connect and the other person can feel it—and then they become more defensive and begin operating from a win/lose communication style because they are literally ‘losing’ from not being heard.
Ninjas need boundaries too
Now that you’re a dynamite ninja listener, you may discover the world is filled with people that desperately want to be heard (there just aren’t enough ninja listeners in the word), so you get bombarded with people that want to tell you their problems. This is good with family and close friends. Do it when you can with others. Set limits when you can’t. For instance, perhaps a co-worker wants to talk about their problems and you don’t really have time or energy. Plus, you need to keep your job and focus on the tasks you’ve been hired to fulfill. You can simply respond by letting the person know that you’d like to hear more, yet have to get back to work. You can also compassionately say, “It sounds like you’ve been through a lot of pain and hurt with that. I hope you can find somebody to talk to about these things.”
Lasting love is about compatibility
Love relationships have the amazing ability to trigger our hulk reactions—especially when the partners are mismatched. Two keys to a winning partnership are a couple communicates and how they repair after a disagreement. When couples can effectively incorporate ninja listening skills and truly understand and appreciate each other’s viewpoints, they don’t try to change each other and healthy bonding takes place. Even in disagreements, the love and complete acceptance of each other trumps the disagreement and healthy repairs can be made. The problem arises when the two are mismatched (such as they have major differing views/values from each other and/or one or both parties really wants to change the other person). Choose your partner wisely. Determine if you can have great conversations and can listen to each other for hours. Look past the sexual chemistry and security needs and notice if there’s a level of intolerance when you or they are talking. Or do either one of you secretly (or not so secretly) wish the other person would change.
Use your freedom of speech
Don’t be afraid of your feelings and speak your truth as it occurs. One reason people get emotionally hijacked and turn into a hulk is that they are afraid to feel their uncomfortable feelings. They want to get along with others, so they bottle up their feelings. Perhaps they don’t share what movie they want to see, what food they want to eat, what they want to do and keep giving in to the other person’s desires. What generally happens is that, like a ticking time-bomb, all that built up frustration comes out at once. Another scenario is when someone deals with a person that constantly criticizes for a dozen little things like a dripping water faucet. If the receiver of the water torture doesn’t address the drip as it occurs and just muffles any anger, an explosive burst is guaranteed (or an unhealthy implosion in the body). Speak up and voice your feelings before disaster strikes.
Some examples of speaking your truth include:
• “I really don’t want to eat pizza again.”
• “I’m overloaded with work and can really use your help with the children tonight.”
• “I feel hurt when you point out my flaws and I personally beat myself up about these things more than you know. Can you try offering me a bit of kindness and support because I could really use that instead.”
Life is a learning process and no one is perfect. Even the most skilled ninjas miss the mark at times. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just keep trying. It’s a practice and an art. Many times it’s about discovering our personal triggers (Achilles heel) and discreetly calming ourselves down before we react foolishly in the world.