“Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people.” --Martina Navratilova
Labels can be very annoying and harmful. One problem many of us have with stereotypes is that they can be blatantly incorrect. For instance, there’s a stereotype of short guys as being immature and childish. When I was in high school, the yearbook asked several questions such as, “Who is most likely to succeed in life?” or “Who is most likely to become a movie star?” I remember finding out that I had received the most votes in my class for being the “Most likely person to never grow up.” I remember being infuriated because although physically small, I felt like I was emotionally very mature. I felt like I had been stereotyped because of my height.
Even if the stereotype may be correct, it can still be emotionally damaging. For instance, there’s clearly a stereotype that short people can’t play basketball very well. This stereotype proved to be true for me though. Some other challenges of stereotypes that were mentioned by those we interviewed were that amazing people of a different race can be perceived as a threat simply because of their skin color. Others may accuse you of getting unfair privileges because of affirmative action; you may be excluded from activities; or you may just simply get tired of being defined by one physical trait.
Though many people who do not witness racism every day may think it is a problem of the past, those who are targeted know the sad truth. Queen Latifah tells about her experiences, reminding us that stereotypes are still around us. She tells, “I don't have to really be in the 60's. Every time I hail a cab in New York, and they pass me by and pick up the white person, then I get a dose of it... I grew up with that.”
#1 Stereotypes Are Often Far From the Truth
One aggravating thing about stereotypes is that they can cause people to make assumptions that are not true. For instance, Sun Jin explained how irritating it is when people assume she doesn’t speak English well because of her Asian appearance: “A lot of people don’t expect me to know English very well. When I don’t talk and they just look at me; they notice that I’m from a different culture and so they assume, ‘Oh, she only knows a different language,’ when in reality, the only language I’m fluent in is English because I came here when I was three.” This happens to many people who look like they are foreign, just because of their appearance.
Melissa battled with the stereotype that all tall women are good at sports. This was true for several of the tall women we interviewed, but for Melissa it was painfully false: “Sports bother me a little bit because no matter how many times I tell people I am horrendous, they still feel like there is this inherent ability to perform athletically, but I can’t. I just can’t!” The sports stereotype really exasperated Melissa because she always felt like she was letting people down with her non-athleticism. Melody described her similar concern this way: “They expect me to be awesome at every sport. I’m like, ‘Okay, I’ve never even picked up a basketball’…. Then whenever I do play, I feel like I disappoint people.” This could be the case for anyone who doesn’t fit people’s stereotypes. It can become very frustrating when people are constantly expecting you to be something you are not.
Mark had the opposite problem from Melissa and Melody. One short guy stereotype is that they will not be able to compete with the bigger, taller guys. Mark explained, “There have been times I’ve had pick-up wrestling matches in the grass. Bigger kids will think that because I am short and have a smaller frame I can just be tossed around, but I show them otherwise.” Like Mark, we all love to prove people wrong—think of a time when you’ve been able to do this.
#2 Mistakenly Perceived as Threatening
Some differences create the stereotype of appearing threatening to others, even when the individuals are far from threatening. For instance, Melissa said, “I have people that are genuinely afraid to talk to me. I asked my roommates what their first impressions of me were. They said they didn’t think we would get along; I seemed too scary because I was so tall.” Sadly, even though Melissa is a wonderful girl, people were too scared to talk to her and be her friend. But her roommates, who took the time to get to know her, were able to see past that.
Jordan expressed a similar sentiment due to his race: “I think I intimidate people a lot, especially from not smiling when I walk around. People kind of get this image that because he’s black, he’s a tough guy, ‘watch out; don’t mess with him.’ I feel that’s the view people have.” Jordan’s appearance also scared people, which can sometimes be a good thing! But unless you’re walking around trying to scare people off, being intimidating can become a hindrance. Like Jordan, you should focus on the ways your looks can benefit you. If you stay positive and be yourself, you too will be able to focus on the benefits. You just need to grin and bear it when people seem to judge you wrongly, and remember that only you can change their minds.
#3 Falsely Attributing Success to Affirmative Action
A stereotype that seems to really bother people of different races and cultures was the common/misconstrued idea that they are being handed a free ride. When asked about other people’s views of him, Alex told us, “Giving different races priority in the admissions process can be a problem. A lot of people, especially my freshman year and some this year, have said, ‘The only reason black people are here, let’s be real, is because of affirmative action.’” When people assume that the only reason you are accepted into a particular institution or receive a job is because of your race, it can be invalidating. When others act like people of color cannot be taken seriously because they have been given some governmental perks, it undermines the person you really are. Although it’s easy for other people to say these types of things, the truth is, you just need to brush them off and remember that you are what got you to where you are, and what other people think doesn’t matter.
#4 Excludes you from Activities
Conversely, some of the people we interviewed described being excluded from things they wanted to do because of stereotypes. For instance, Noelle described how her dreams of being a dancer went up in smoke due to some height-based stereotypes:
"I auditioned every single year I have been here at school to be in the top modern dance performing company. Every year I didn’t make it, and I was so frustrated. Then, finally, this year, I made it to callbacks. I was so excited! I went to callbacks and I thought I rocked it. I was like, 'Woo!' Then I checked the list the next day and I wasn’t on it. I was disappointed because that was my goal for college, to be on that company. I went and talked to the director and he told me flat out it was because of my height and that I wouldn’t mesh well with the other dancers because I was so much taller than everyone else. He said that I wouldn’t make it on any companies in Utah because they all want people who are 5’7” or shorter. That was a major disappointment."
Noelle had the talent and skills needed to make the dance team at her university, but was excluded from this opportunity because of her height.
#5 Makes it Hard to be Know for Something Other than Your Difference
Several of the people we interviewed described how it would be great to be known for something aside from their difference. For instance, Alyssa expressed:
"People tend to like me and it’s not anything to do with my height, but it is one of those effects of first impressions; people tend to remember me because of my height. And so they see me as tall, and that’s what they remember, but sometimes it would be nice to not have that. That’s what they remember about you and it would be nice to seen as a person rather than a tall person."
Alyssa just wanted to be known for her personality and not always be defined by how tall she is. Likewise, Jeff expressed what frustrated him most about being tall and thin: “I guess just not fitting in and the fact that my physical difference was being taken into account instead of all of me, like my personality and my actions. It was like there was total disregard for all of that. ... Really all I was being judged on was my appearance.” Jeff felt like his personality was being disregarded as people focused solely on his outward appearance.
Similarly, Hannah told us, “I don’t want to be known as being super skinny. I want to be known for having a nice personality or something more positive like that. But it’s not like that at all. People just remember me for being skinny.” Just like Alyssa and Jeff, Hannah was remembered for her outward appearance, and not who she is. This can be discouraging for everyone to experience.
Finally, Miyoko, of Japanese descent, described a similar seemingly positive expectation: “In some ways, being expected to be a super-efficient, super Asian model-worker, bothers me… [it’s] not that I’m not a hard worker or anything, but I don’t like the expectation that that’s all I am.” Miyoko, like the others, wanted to be known for more than her stereotype.
Conclusion
An inherent flaw in stereotypes is that they can be assumptions that are completely inaccurate. If it is a negative stereotype it can be psychologically damaging, and if a positive stereotype is incorrect, people can feel like they are disappointing others or themselves. Some differences (like height and race) are perceived as threatening even when, in reality, the person is far from threatening. A few of those we interviewed described others accusing them of only receiving privileges because of their race, while others talked about being excluded because of stereotypes. People don’t want to be known just for their difference. They want to be seen and known for something more. You can help those around you when you work hard to get to know people and see beyond stereotypes, and let them in turn value you for you.
If you enjoyed this content, you'll love my book Standing up for Standing Out: Making the most of Being Different in Kindle or hard copy. It includes experiences from 74 people I interviewed who share their struggles and coping strategies on the topics of relationships, belonging, standing out, self-acceptance, working against labels, gaining understanding and compassion, and personal growth. Check it out!
“I used to worry about the labels others placed on me…until I realized my limitations weren’t coming from their labels, but from my own.”
- Steve Maraboli