All relationships are more or less dysfunctional
in different ways and at different times. No
perfect relationships exist. In order to stay in
a committed relationship, most intimate partners
adapt to many disappointments and
disillusionments during the time they’re
together. If there is enough good in the
relationship to compensate, they weather those
distresses and continue to love each other.
But, if over time, more heartaches than good
times happen, the relationship bond weakens.
Significantly painful events that occur during
that time can be deal breakers. Even initially
90% positive relationships can fail after too
many broken promises or repeatedly unresolved
conflicts. If cumulatively dysfunctional
interactions occur, the relationship will not
likely survive a major deal breaking situation. .
Suppressed disillusionments weaken that
foundation and make relationship more likely to fail.
Many couples push relationship distresses under
the rug without resolution, and find much later
that they are unable to recover from these
festering sorrows. Identifying and exploring
these typical relationship damagers might have
helped. Had the partners recognized them as they
were occurring, they might have had a different
perspective and learned some new ways to cope
before it was too late. By understanding what
their dysfunctional patterns are, couples can strive to overcome them.
I have never seen a long-term relationship that
didn’t exhibit its own unique self-destructive
behaviors. Each couple also has its own way of
dealing with them, from ignoring their presence
to constantly trying to eradicate them.
Successful couples learn, over time, to do
whatever they can to diminish these damaging
effects. To stay committed to each other, they
focus more on the things they love about each
other and to minimize troublesome situations.
The following ten common dysfunctional behaviors
should seem familiar to you. They are
representations of negative patterns that most
couples experience. You may have your own that
are not listed here, but identifying and
recognizing these ten will give you the heads up
for others you may share and help you stop them
from damaging your commitment to each other.
Assignment of Blame
“There’s been a malfunction. Who’s to blame?”
This immediate response to a conflict predicts
significant hopelessness for resolution. Blame,
guilt, defensiveness, counter-accusations, and
excuses will certainly follow. By the time either
partner finally agrees or doesn’t agree as to who
is the accountable culprit, the relationship has
taken a hit. “Something’s gone wrong. What can we
learn about what happened, how can we prevent it
from happening again, and how can we heal each
other,” works much better. It requires that both
partners are willing to look at their own
accountability and reactions. Blame never results in a good outcome.
No one feels good when their partners are
disappointed, disillusioned, or blaming of them.
People can get in terrible, repetitive arguments
that go in circles for long periods of time,
careening between blame and defensiveness. If
accusations of blame were not thrown around in
the beginning, and replaced with mutual and
willing accountability, most partners would be
more open to a more effective resolution.
Threats of exile or abandonment
“I’m out of here.” “Get out and stay away from
me.” Both these phrases are often expressed when
the partners in an intimate relationship are
exasperated, frustrated, hurt, and angry at each
other. Blame activates fears of loss and feelings
of worthlessness in the recipient, not good
experiences for lovers to engender for any reason.
Often, these words are only meant in the moment
and are usually retracted later. Even when the
negative feelings subside, the wounds often
remain and accumulate. If they aren’t taken
seriously, they mean nothing. If they are, they
may be the tip of an iceberg of dwindling
commitment, especially if they are repeated in subsequent conflicts.
More men than women fear exile. More women than
men fear abandonment. Both are the reciprocals of
each other, and neither is ever a healthy way to
resolve differences. If you ever use those
phrases, make sure you mean them. Someday, your partner may take you seriously.
Dominance/Submission
Who has the ultimate power to make decisions in
your relationship when you cannot agree as to a
solution that satisfies both of you? If the
relationship is a power hierarchy where one
partner consistently is on top, the other, more
adaptive partner will eventually lose hope and
stop fighting as hard in succeeding conflicts.
That leaves all the responsibility for the
outcome on the shoulders of the top guy, and
submission, martyrdom, and resentment in the emotional belly of the other.
In better relationships, the decision of the
moment is generously given by either partner to
the one who is better at that particular
capability at that time. There is no need for
either to always have more than fifty percent
influence. When both partners see themselves as
members of a great, effective team, neither
player needs to be right all the time, or
automatically get to direct the outcome of any
situation. They work for the ultimate best
function of the relationship, regardless of who
is given the power at the time, and do so with compromise and support.
Grudges
Grudges come from unexplored, unexpressed, or
powerless complaints that are not responded to
with due consideration. Grudges can start small
and seem too insignificant to fight about but,
once buried, can fester and grow.
People who harbor grudges usually do so across
the board. They often feel victimized by others,
bitter about unfair losses, and resentful of
actual or exaggerated injustices. When confronted
by their partners, they usually will not reveal
the depth of their resentment, but act it out in
indirect ways or bring up a slew of past affronts in the middle of an argument.
Intimate partners who carry grudges don’t ever
let go of the past. They feel powerless in the
present without using grudges to fortify their
position. Underneath, they often see themselves
as people who have been repeatedly cheated.
Ownership
Dysfunctional relationships are all about one
person’s emotional “ownership” of the other.
Whatever the owning partner wants or needs, the
owned partner must acquiesce for the minimization
of anxiety or dissolution of threats to quiet
down. There is only one-way concern and empathy,
and it is not in the mind and heart of the partner who feels possession.
In functional, mutually supportive relationships,
neither partner feels that they own the course of
another’s life. They know and accept that couples
who truly care want each other’s dreams to come
true. Of course, they would rather be part of
those dreams and there is grieving when that
cannot be, but they would never ask that their
partners become less of who they were meant to be
just to stay together. That doesn’t mean that
they quit easily or run when things are tough.
They are open and authentic with each other from
the beginning and sad endings are not unexpected.
Interestingly enough, those partners who love
without control are rarely left behind. They are
rare specimens of what it means to feel true
chivalry, the exquisite satisfaction of making
sure that someone loved is free to stay or go.
When that door is truly open, few partners go
through it. They know that they are with someone who is not easy to replace.
Disloyalty
Destructive triangles are often part of
dysfunctional relationships. One partner talks to
someone outside the relationship about the
intimate situations that lie within it without
the other partner’s knowing or consent. That
confidante then knows things about that partner
they may have no right to know. He or she, armed
with information the other partner does not know
is shared, may offer advice that may alter the situation unilaterally.
It is common for friends to gain advice and
support from other friends when they are
distressed about their relationships, but there
is a big difference when doing so means selling
out their partners most intimate and vulnerable
feelings and behaviors. It is especially
problematic when the unknowing partner is also
friends with the confidante. The resulting
awkwardness can be significantly uncomfortable
and many a time that trusted friend tells the
outside partner. Now the concomitant disloyalties
multiply, leaving everyone in the triangle wondering who to trust.
Winner or Loser Arguments
When couples argue, they usually stop listening
to each other early in that conflict. Within a
very short period of time, it would be difficult
for either to know or understand what the other
is feeling. Great conflict resolution, on the
other hand, can only occur when the partners in
an intimate relationship stay deeply connected to
their own feelings and also those of the other.
It is like a powerfully effective debate. At the
blowing of a symbolic whistle, each could play
the other’s part. They realize that there are two
sides to every disagreement and that compromise
often requires innovation. That means that both
partners are mutually searching for a resolution
that holds both of their needs intact as much as possible.
Arguments are very different. Each partner will
used whatever means are at hand to push his or
her side of the “truth” no matter what the other
needs. They may go on for round after round,
losing sight of whatever they were arguing about
to begin with, because neither is willing to give
up his or her point of view or accept defeat.
Eventually, all arguments cease. There is usually
no clear winner or loser, because the couple now
has to figure out how to resume intimate
connection and both are either hurting or mad.
Most arguments neither solve a problem nor help
either partner feel better about themselves.
Assumptions are made on both sides and acted upon
as if they were true. There is little inquiry or
openness to any reasoning that might upend what
is already felt or demanded. The argument ends
when one or the other partner is just too tired
to go on and retreats. Too many of these
unresolved conflicts predict potential
relationship failure. Emotional scars form that
can make each succeeding negative interaction less likely to result in healing.
Snapshots versus moving pictures
More men live in the moment and capture that
moment with an emotional or mental snapshot.
Though they seem to enjoy thinking about the past
and future in battle, business, or sports, they
strongly avoid doing so in their intimate relationships.
More women, on the other hand, are weavers of
time. In their intimate relationships, they want
to remember the past and anticipate the future,
concerned about not repeating repetitive negative
patterns and making a better future by doing so.
They are content with snapshots of memories that
bring back nostalgic feelings to enrich the
moment, but need to make them relevant to what comes next.
Obviously, both genders are capable of using the
past as the best source of learning, and the
future as the most reliable place to plan for,
but do that in different areas. To achieve a
better compromise, they must enter each other’s
important realities and share that experience.
There is no way to keep the past from being
repeated in the future without that kind of teamwork.
Boundary Violations
Boundaries are the way people keep their internal
vulnerabilities, concerns, and insecurities safe.
The way we were raised as children plays a
significant part in how easily we give up our
rights to those decisions. Parents who
consistently violate boundaries teach their
children that they have no right to privacy in any situation.
In dysfunctional relationships, one or both
partners often feel little conflict about
entering the other’s private world without
permission. They believe that what is their
partner’s is also theirs, without question or
concern. That can apply to material things,
thoughts, feelings, plans, or desires. “What’s
mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine,” is there
appropriate justification. And, in addition, once
any of those “possessions” are usurped, they can
be used in any way the partner now in possession wishes.
The other end of sorrowful dysfunction is when a
partner doesn’t know his or her boundary rights
and gives up what is their right without question
or argument. That means acquiescing to any demand
the other partner wants, whether it is good for them or not.
Partners who violate boundaries may do so, not so
much out of maliciousness, but out of the fear
that their partners are keeping things from them
that would affect their lives if they knew. Those
who allow their boundaries to be violated may be
seeking intimate blending without thought of consequences.
Early in romantic relationships, people often
through away the need for privacy and open their
boundaries to their lovers without screening.
Later, when either partner feels the need for
privacy or separate thoughts, the other partner
may feel rejected or abandoned. Sharing every
thought and feeling may feel temporarily sweetly
blending but, over time, can result in the loss of mystery and challenge.
Fear of Loss
The more a partner is attached to a relationship,
the more he or she will fight for it if seems
threatened in any way. Being attached is not the
same as being involved, inter-dependent, or
deeply connected. Those are three healthy
responses to a non-ownership relationship.
Intense attachment, like a child might feel on
the other end of a potentially abandoning parent,
produces a feeling of anticipatory grief at the
thought of losing the relationship. It can drive
the person feeling threatened into a desperate
grappling to hold on to it at any cost.
The sadness of that kind of response is that it
usually has the opposite effect; it ultimately
pushes the desired partner away. To stop the
anxious partner’s terror, he or she must be able
to self-soothe, ease off, and focus on attending
to the needs of that partner. If love is strong
enough, those behaviors might be alright for a
while, but no one wants to be on a shelf, waiting to be needed on demand.
How dysfunctional is your intimate relationship?
If you willingly take a look at the ways your
relationship is not functioning well, you can
change those behaviors in the opposite direction and get back on track.
Take this short quiz to determine your
relationship dysfunctional quotient. Give
yourself an answer ranging from 1 to 5 based on the following definitions.
Never 1
Occasionally 2
A little too much 3
Frequently 4
Always 5
1) When you and your partner have a
conflict, do you spend a lot of time determining
who the bad guy is and making sure he or she is “properly punished?” _____
2) When you feel hurt, angry, or threatened,
do you threaten your partner with exile or abandonment? _____
3) Does one of you always have to have the
last word and the right to determine the outcome? ____
4) Does either of you hold grudges against
the other for long periods of time and then erupt
in a fight with held-back feelings of resentment?____
5) Do you feel you have the right to tell
your partner how he or she must behave in the relationship? ____
6) Does either of you share confidences
about the other without permission?____
7) When you have a fight, does someone
always have to win at the expense of the other?____
8) Do you forget the past mistakes and
continue making them in the future?____
9) Do you disrespect each other’s boundaries
and violate them for your own comfort?___
10) Do you react strongly and fight in whatever
way you can if you think the relationship is threatened?____
Add up your scores.
1-10 Your relationship is not dysfunctional
11-20 You are practicing some dysfunctional interactions
21-30 You are entering the danger zone of too many dysfunctional interactions
31-40 Your relationship is in trouble
41-50 If you don’t begin soon to do things
differently, your relationship might fall apart
Remember, the reason to approach this from a
negative point of view is for you to stop these
behaviors and move them in a positive direction.
Even just diminishing them will give you a head
start and will result in your seeing what you could do better.
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Are You in a Dysfunctional Relationship?
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