At Center for Healthy Sex, we find inspiration from many sources to treat sex addiction, love addiction, and sexual dysfunction. Meditation and affirmations are helpful tools that build esteem, create procedural memories, reduce anxiety, slow the heart rate, and increase blood flow to the brain.
Attachment theory is a component of our philosophy -- behavioral patterns imparted in infancy affect the way we grow up to live our lives. Because this early programming becomes so ingrained, it takes consistent and sustained effort to rewire the neural pathways.
These monthly meditations are similar to the affirmations we use with clients. They are intended to provoke deep thought about core beliefs and inspire open communication with a partner. (You may sign up for our free daily meditations here.)
Meditation for Week 1 -- CHOOSING YOUR PARTNER
“The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.”
~ Stephen Kendrick
Being honest with yourself about what you need and desire in a mate is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. So choosing your partner is an act of self-esteem. Settling for whoever comes your way or criticizing your partner for his or her nature are both acts of emotional violence. By being in reality about the person to whom you’re relating, you are making a conscious decision to choose that person–warts and all. Once you make that choice, you’re no longer a victim, but an informed participant. When you stop feeling like your mate is doing something “to you,” then, and only then, can you love.
When you make the choice to be in your relationship, you get a whole lot of other choices, too. For example, instead of complaining that your partner isn’t romantic or sexy enough, consider how romantic or sexy you can make yourself. Actually taking that responsibility not only empowers you, it makes a space for your partner to move toward you in ways you might find surprising. When you choose your partner and take responsibility for your sexuality, you recognize that, ultimately, only you can make yourself happy.
If you’ve chosen your partner, and that person breaks vows you both agreed to, don’t deny your situation. Ask yourself if you can heal from the pain in order to choose your partner again, or if it’s time for you to go. Choosing after a betrayal can take time; be honest with yourself about what you need to be happy and whole.
Daily Healthy Sex Acts:
- Have you chosen your partner or are you waiting to be rescued? Do you blame and shame your partner or do you accept all aspects of the choice you have made?
- Do you need to adjust how you’re viewing things, or is it time to end the relationship? Be careful about blaming and shaming yourself and the other. If you made a bad choice or no longer want to be in your relationship, stop torturing your partner and yourself, and move on.
Meditation for Week 2 -- CLOSURE
"Tis well to be merry and wise,
'Tis well to be honest and true;
'Tis well to be off with the old love,
Before you are on with the new."~ Charles Robert Maturin
Do you grieve your losses at length or do you immediately replace them? We’ve all had the experience of losing a cat or dog that meant the world to us, and before we’ve had time to grieve, some well-meaning friend suggests that it’s time for a new puppy or kitten. If you didn’t have time for emotional closure regarding how that animal’s companionship enriched your life, then the idea of a new pet can feel wrong, insensitive, and disrespectful to your process. Likewise, without taking time for proper closure to a relationship--whether it lasted three months or thirty years--we’re likely ignoring our feelings of grief and loss.
Ending a relationship teaches us many lessons--both good and bad--about how we love. Recognizing where we fold or withhold, the ways we’re giving or controlling, when we’re driven by fantasy over reality, or how we’re selfless or selfish provides us with valuable data on who we are. Don’t shorten your learning curve by moving on with someone new before doing a proper emotional autopsy on your last relationship. After all, you were (or thought you were) in love with that person at one time. Once you feel complete with yourself about your prior romance and feel like you’ve had proper closure with your former partner (meaning you’re not holding on to any anger or resentment), then, and only then, is it time to move on with the new.
Daily Healthy Sex Acts:
- If you’ve recently broken up with someone, allow yourself all the time you need to grieve before you move on. There’s no prescribed time for this; you’ll know it in your heart.
- If you ended a relationship and immediately jumped into a new one, ask yourself if you’re still holding any anger or resentment about your previous partner. If so, you’re likely dragging that energy into your current relationship. Take time to sort out those feelings, and do what you need to do for closure.
Meditation for Week 3 -- SEXUAL POLITICS
“There are politics in sexual relationships because they occur in the context of a society that assigns power based on gender and other systems of inequality and privilege.”
~ Susan Shaw
We all have the potential for two kinds of political behavior. People are said to be "playing politics" when they manipulate and use others for their own ends. The politics that seeks power over others for selfish reasons is always based on fear. We all grew up saturated by family politics and learned that certain people address situations through frightening behaviors. To avoid punishment or mistreatment, we found ways to live in progressively complex situations, often by our own maneuvering around obstacles--or manipulating people--to get what we want. The survival instinct demands that we continually re-orient ourselves within group dynamics. But for many of us, this resulted in internalized political drives that inform every other form of politics, including sexual politics with a loved one.
But politics has a nobler meaning as well: the behaviors that make us find healthy values of acceptance and forgiveness within ourselves, and lead us to embody those values in daily thoughts and acts. We may practice loving-kindness, regardless of circumstances, starting with our most beloved. So even our lovemaking becomes a noble political act that breaks the pattern of manipulation and objectification. Humility, openness, and goodwill are healthy traits we can cultivate to help us shift from a win-lose paradigm of personal politics to a win-win paradigm of cooperation.
At every moment, a personal politics is happening within you. It can be exploitative and scheming, stereotyping and minimizing; it can seek to divide and conquer. Or we can practice a different politics: one that keeps us present with empathy for all life, and unites ourselves to others through unconditional love.
Daily Healthy Sex Acts:
- At Center for Healthy Sex, we believe everyone has the right to experience healthy sex and love free from trauma, abuse, violence, crime, lies, secrets, judgment, shame, guilt and regrets. This is our shared philosophy and politics. What would you underline, add or subtract from this list, and why?
- How do you define healthy sex and love, and what political statements are you making through your relationships, communications, actions and appearance to practice this philosophy in your life?
Meditation for Week 4 - BODILY PLEASURE
"Here in this body are the sacred rivers: here are the sun and moon, as well as the pilgrimage places. I have not encountered another temple as blissful as my own body."
~ Saraha
How blissful do you feel in your own body? Slow down and be aware of the pleasures and sensations you experience in your body while being touched or massaged, when feeling the wind in your hair or the sun on your back, or during sex. Be aware of how much you feel your own bodily pleasure during sex versus how much you’re preoccupied with your partner’s pleasure. See if you can abandon control while receiving touch from your partner and relax into the sensations of your body. What happens to you when you do this? Do you feel entitled to receive bodily pleasure or do you feel ashamed?
Many have experienced repeated squelching of bodily enjoyment in childhood by critical messages instilling shame and guilt about corporeal pleasure. Don’t believe those messages! It’s time to take back your sexuality from the shaming communications you may have received, and to remind yourself that those are not your thoughts, but the thoughts of misinformed others. Your pleasure belongs to you and is a celebration of the unique temple known as your body. Celebrate and rejoice in your bodily pleasure, and share your revelry with your beloved.
Daily Healthy Sex Acts:
- Today, notice all the sensations in your body and note which areas respond most pleasurably to touch.
- Make yourself familiar with your erogenous zones so you can communicate that knowledge to your partner. Massage, tickling, gentle touch, and whispering softly into a listening ear all create pleasurable sensations in the body.
- Take a chance and discover a new pleasure zone today, then share it with the one you love.
Sign up here to receive free Daily Meditations by email written by Alexandra Katehakis and Tom Bliss of Center for Healthy Sex to help you develop sexual and emotional intimacy.