Sadly, when all your energy goes toward pleasing others, you’re likely to get the opposite in return.

How Approval Seeking Backfires

Rather than being genuine, you labor to create an image that you think people will find appealing. In the process you compromise your authentic self, gradually becoming less honest, less natural, less “you.” The more you slave for approval, the less others feel at ease with you. They sense something counterfeit in your responses, have trouble trusting you, they may even begin to feel manipulated by you. All this makes a relationship with you exhausting.

That’s why people feel weighed down by approval seekers; their neediness is an energy drain. Sooner or later, they start to avoid you, forget appointments or not return your phone calls. The very thing you're working so hard for -- friendships and close relationships, gets you the opposite. You’re left confused and hurt.

Childhood Scares

We all bring our unmet childhood needs into our present day relationships as a way to heal the emotional wounds we suffered in our past. But as long as we remain dependent on others for approval, our happiness is fleeting.

In my psychotherapy practice, I have found that people who long for approval usually experienced some sort of emotional trauma in their childhood. The may have suffered verbal abuse, physical abuse, or emotional neglect. Whatever the situation, they didn't feel valued or celebrated for their uniqueness. Instead, they got the message that love was conditional; they had to work hard for it. Being themselves just wasn’t enough.

Scratch the surface of approval seekers and you’ll find individuals battling low self-esteem. They don't realize their own value, so they seek affirmation from others. Yet, whatever comfort they gain doesn’t last. No matter how much recognition they receive, soon they are laboring for validation again.

Healing Emotional Trauma

Taking ownership of your own fears and anxieties is the first step toward improving your relationships. Rather than expecting others to heal you, start by healing yourself.

The requires you take a good look at the anxiety that fuels your neediness and longing for approval. The more you can deal directly with that anxiety within yourself, rather than trying to work it out through relationships, the more you will begin to heal those old wounds. Unearthing old wounds in individual therapy will help, but is of little value if you can’t apply those lessons in daily life. You’re going to need to develop more mindfulness in your interactions.

Start by noticing how you’re feeling when relating to others. Ask yourself these five questions:

1. Am I being genuine?
2. Am working for approval?
3. Am I being agreeable to avoid conflict?
4. Am I reacting genuinely, or am I objectively crafting responses?
5. Am I caretaking or am I responding truthfully?

The more you become aware of the unconscious forces that shape your interactions, the more you will be able to make new choices. This doesn’t mean you should start picking fights or spouting self-serving opinions. It means you will being to speak with your true voice. People who are true to themselves are far more interesting that approval-seeking behaviors. Originality is always more attractive and compelling to others.

The Group Therapy Solution

Group therapy is the ideal modality for people struggling with relationship issues because it exposes bad habits more directly than individual therapy. In other words, it empowers your therapist with greater insight into your social dilemmas.

In individual therapy, people report on events, leaving much room for distortion. For example, a person may report feeling victimized, but never realized his or her role in fostering that outcome. Furthermore, when working one-on-one, therapists may wonder if they are getting an accurate version of events in someone’s life. When an event is reported, there is always the chance for exaggeration or misinterpretation.

In group therapy, therapists gets a live demonstration of interpersonal behavior. Group re-creates a social environment, which gives your therapist the opportunity to see all your bad relationship habits in action.

The golden rule of group therapy is “What happens in group, happens in life.” In group, negative tendencies that prevent you from having healthy relationships will come to light so that your therapist can then intervene and steer you toward better ways of relating. The thought of joining a therapy group may make you anxious, but when it comes to breaking the approval seeking habit, it's the express lane to better relationships.

For information on therapy groups or clincal training workshops visit www.seangrover.com

Following a previous blog I wrote on psychrocism and sexual arousal from ice, it got me wondering what other sexual behaviours might involve water. In a comprehensive list of paraphilias in the books Forensic and Medico-legal Aspects of Sexual Crimes and Unusual Sexual Practices (by Dr. Anil Aggrawal) and the Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices (by Dr. Brenda Love), a number of water-related paraphilias and sexual behaviours were listed. The list included:

* Aquaphilia – Sexual arousal from water and/or watery environments including bathtubs or swimming pools (and sometimes called hydrophilia)
* Albutophilia – Sexual arousal from water
* Ablutophilia – Sexual arousal from baths or showers
* Antiohilia – Sexual arousal from floods
* Coitobalnism – Sex in a bath tub
* Coitus a unda – Sex under water
* Bidetonism – The use of water spray from a bidet as a genital sexual stimulant for women while masturbating.

In her sex encyclopedia, Brenda Love has a section devoted to having sex in and/or under water (i.e., coitus à unda) and can include masturbation, oral sex and/or penetrative sex in any number of water-based situations (e.g., bath, shower, swimming pool, lake, ocean, etc.). She also says that such activities can include fellatio where the partner holds hot water in his or her mouth. She also highlights a number of other activities that come under the generic banner of ‘water sex’. These include:

* Sexually based ‘entertainment’ hosted in pubs, bars and/or restaurants (e.g., wet T-Shirt or jock-strap competitions, naked women swimming inside large aquariums)
* The use of water as a lubricant to facilitate insertion of bodily parts (e.g., fingers, toes) or sex toys into various bodily orifices
* The use of baby baths along with the addition of child’s bath toys for those who derive sexual pleasure from being an adult baby (i.e., infantilism).

She also claims that Tiberius Caesar had a passion for aquatic sex. She claims Caesar trained young boys (that he called ‘minnows’) to swim after him and come up from below to nibble and suck on his genitals. Other cultures aren’t so liberal. For instance, Dr. Aggrawal notes that in Hinduism – and according to the ‘Laws of Manu’ (i.e., the words of Brahma, the Hindu god of creation – “A man who has committed a bestial crime, or an unnatural crime with a female, or has had intercourse in water, or with a menstruating woman shall perform a Samtapana Krikkhra” (i.e., a 24-hour fast where no food can be consumed whatsoever).

Other psychologists and scientists (e.g., Dr. Viren Swami and Dr. Adrian Furnham in their book The Psychology of Physical Attraction; Dr. Katherine Ramsland and Dr. Patrick McGrain in their book Inside the Minds of Sexual Predators) define aquaphilia (like Dr. Aggrawal and Dr. Love) as a form of sexual fetishism that involves sex in (or under) water but extends the definition to include images of people swimming or posing underwater. According to Wikipedia, the term "aquaphile"was “first used by Phil Bolton, when he created the ‘Aquaphiles Journal’ – an online magazine for followers of the underwater erotica scene published in the 1990s”.

Another more unusual water-related paraphilia is hypoxia. Autoerotic asphyxiates use a variety of methods to restrict their oxygen supply including partial hanging, the use of plastic bags or masks over the face, chest compression, and submerging under water (known in the clinical and forensic literature as “aqua eroticum”). Reports of water-related hypoxyphilic deaths are exceedingly rare but have been documented.

The term "aqua-eroticism"was first used in a 1984 paper – in the journal Medicine, Science and the Law – by Dr. S. Sivaloganathan. However, the use of the term here solely related to hypoxyphilia (i.e.. autoerotic asphxiation). While there have been hundreds of papers and articles about hypoxyphilia, to my knowledge only two papers have been published involving submersion under water. These very rare occurrences have come to light when things have gone drastically wrong (i.e., death for the person engaging in the activity). As with hypoxyphilic activity more generally, underwater submersion while holding one's breath produces the same effects of oxygen deprivation via other methods (e.g., hanging, self-strangulation).

In the case documented by Dr. Sivaloganathan, a man was found drowned with a stone tied to his ankle (to weigh him down in the water). He was also assumed to have transvestite tendencies as he found dressed in women’s clothes. It was assumed to be an example of autoerotic asphyxia given that it seemed to be a very peculiar way to be swimming or committing suicide. The act of swimming in the opposite sex’s clothes with a weight tied to the leg also had many key features of deliberately induced danger as a method of increasing the arousal level. There is always the possibility that other similar types of incident may have occurred but have been labelled as suicide rather than death by misadventure.

The second case in the academic literature was reported by Dr. A. Sauvageau and Dr. S. Racette in the Journal of Forensic Sciences. Here, the evidence for autoerotic asphyxiation was more clear cut. During the summer, a man aged 25 years was found dead in a lake, submerged underneath his boat. Despite being the height of summer, he was wearing a hockey helmet, a snowmobile suit, and ski boots. However, underneath these clothes he was found to be wearing a self-constructed plastic bodysuit over his naked body from head to toe with a separate plastic tube wrapped around his genitals. Furthermore, there were clear bondage elements. Around his wrists, ankles, knees and waist he was tightly bound in a mixture of mesh and chains (all of which were padlocked to his groin). The only air supply was a black tube joined to his mouth and sealed to the suit by silicone. The man’s air supply system comprised an open plastic container floating on the lake to his mouth.

Although such elaborate bondage suggests a second party may have been involved, the crime scene investigators established that the man could have put on the harness. The victim’s clothing and water submersion appeared to facilitate a masochistic scenario. The investigation also established that the dead man had been an active member of an online hypoxyphiliac website. The authors noted:

“The victim was found completely submerged, with an air tube running from his mouth to a floating plastic container. However, he'd apparently miscalculated, using a tube too narrow for both the intake and expulsion of air. Rather than giving him the right degree of hypoxia for a heightened erotic experience, his air supply was significantly fouled with carbon dioxide, killing him”.

The coroner ruled the death as accidental (i.e., autoerotic asphyxia from re-breathing, caused by the faulty self-constructed air-supply device). Clearly this latter case has overlaps with sadomasochism and bondage. In fact, there are dedicated websites for ‘water bondage’ (where women are gagged and bound and submerged into “helpless submission”). For instance, at waterbondage.com:

“Water bondage is where rope bondage, fetish and BDSM meet breath control, immersion, water sex, predicament bondage, and more. Women are bound, dunked, sprayed and drenched, then dildo fucked and tortured with vibrators until they cum. With the most elegant rope bondage around, Water bondage has extreme bondage, breath play, punishment, domination, BDSM, fetish, submission, pain, and real female orgasms”.

The only other sexually related water fetish or paraphilia that I have come across is liquidophilia. Various online articles (such as the not-so-imaginatively-titled Dirty Mag website) mention this behaviour and all define it as a paraphilia in which individuals derive sexual pleasure and arousal from immersing their genitals in some kind of liquid. Although most liquidophiles use water (e.g., taking a bath would be highly erotic for such people), any liquid can apparently be used. It has also been claimed that some liquidophiles have a preference for liquids that resemble bodily secretions (e.g., milk).

References and further reading

Aggrawal A. (2009). Forensic and Medico-legal Aspects of Sexual Crimes and Unusual Sexual Practices. Boca Raton: CRC Press.

Dirty Mag (2011). Fetish fix: Liquidophilia. September 12. Located at: http://dirtymag.com/fetish-fix-liquidophilia/

Love, B. (2001). Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices. London: Greenwich Editions.

Sauvageau A. & Racette S. (2006). Aqua-eroticum: An unusual autoerotic fatality in a lake involving a home-made diving apparatus. Journal of Forensic Sciences, 51, 137-9.

Sivaloganathan S. (1984). Aqua-eroticum – A case of auto-erotic drowning. Medicine, Science and the Law, 24, 300-302.

Swami, V. & Furnham, A. (2008). The Psychology of Physical Attraction. London: Routledge.

Ramsland, K.M. & McGrain, P.N. (2010). Inside the Minds of Sexual Predators. Santa Barbara, CA: ABC-CLIO.

Wikipedia (2012). Aquaphilia (fetish). Located at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aquaphilia_(fetish)

Trump’s tyranny is familiar to anyone who grew up with a volcanic father.  We recognize the capriciousness; the volatility.   We remember the sense that nothing makes sense; that something terrible, illogical, could happen at any moment; that no one sees how unreasonable he is— and how miserable he’s making everybody else.

The difference is that there are people who can help now.  Witness the legions of lawyers who rushed to airports to assist detainees. Children are holding up signs:

Source: Creative Commons CC0

But the road ahead requires more than reaching out to strangers. It means trying to achieve a reconciliation closer to home.

Source: Jessica Teich/used with permission

My father was a heart doctor who worshipped Frank Sinatra and the New York Giants. He did the New York Times Puns and Anagrams in ink.  He loved poems, and he once told me his favorite poem was e e cummings’s tribute to his late father:

my father moved through dooms of love

through sames of am through haves of give,

singing each morning out of each night

my father moved through depths of height

I don’t think he understood it—I don’t think I did, either—but I loved that he loved it.

It was perhaps the only thing we had in common, that love of words.

Source: Creative Commons photo

My father is buried in a gracious New England cemetery, leafy and spacious.  It’s a very Protestant place.  My father would have liked that.  He always sought out places where Jews weren’t welcome, and barged right in.  But the logistics of getting him into that place—literally—were complex. He would have liked that too. The Jewish funeral house couldn’t prepare his body on a Saturday, and the cemetery insisted he be buried on a Sunday, so he had to be handed over from one celestial authority to the other. As my clever older brother said, he “changed hearses in midstream.”

At his funeral, I read from the e e cummings poem, but not the later stanzas, when the Cubist elegy turns ugly.  Even its tidy rhythm breaks down:

then let men kill which cannot share,

let blood and flesh be mud and mire,

scheming imagine, passion willed,

freedom a drug that’s bought and sold

I’m not sure exactly what’s going on there, but it doesn’t sound good, does it?

And there’s no mistaking the terrible “truth” that launches the last stanza: that “hate were why men breathe.”

This is a world frighteningly, presciently, like the world of Trump.

Source: Photo: Creative Commons, public image

My dad was very Trump-like: disproportionately proud of things he hadn’t himself accomplished; suspicious of anyone who might challenge or expose him.  Afraid of the things he didn’t know or understand, but unwilling to try to understand them.  A smart man who wants the world to be simpler than it can be, who refuses to see nuance or seek compromise.

I see now that my dad was the template for the man who abused and beat me when I was 16: charismatic and unpredictable.

Once, when we were travelling and my two brothers were squabbling in the backseat of the car, my father whipped around to pummel them, accidently slamming my mother in the face.

He never apologized.

We just kept driving.

But I still remember the sound of my mother’s gasp when his fist hit bone.

Source: Photo: Jessica Teich, used with permission

Just before the election, at a Barnes & Noble not far from Trump Tower, a woman emerged from the darkened vestibule.  “Are you Jessica?” she asked.  She said we’d grown up in the same small town.  Our fathers played poker together every week, she told me, and I vaguely remembered that.  “I miss my dad,” she said, her eyes filling with tears.

Then, to my enormous surprise, she added, “I miss your dad.”  Tears were streaming down her face.

She was crying about my dad.  But I wasn’t crying. 

Do I miss him?

How can we miss these people when they never go away? 

If anything, his presence has grown stronger these past few months: I sense him in Trump’s obsession with his hair, in his general narcissism, in his furious, sputtering pronouncements and petty feuds. My dad, although a liberal—he was named for Eugene V. Debs— would have disagreed with Trump’s politics (or, should I say, Steve Bannon’s). But he would have tacitly understood their prodigious energy and take-no-prisoners stance.

Source: Photo: Creative Commons, public domain

In fact, Trump is so big, so loud, so orange, that it takes the Pope, perhaps the greatest moral arbiter of our time, to put him in his place.  This Pope, who took his name from St. Francis of Assisi, patron saint of the poor, washes the feet of refugees and has sheltered a family in flight. He says Trump’s policies aren’t “Christian,” and he should know.

Shakespeare, perhaps the greatest moral arbiter of his time, understood the terror of the other, and what that fear reveals about who we really are. At the end of The Tempest, Prospero says

This thing of darkness I

Acknowledge mine

He embraces Caliban, who is earthy and emotional and uncontrolled.  By “darkness,” he doesn’t mean skin color.  He means the part of us that is deeply human, petulant and unpredictable.

Perhaps each of us has a bit of Trump in us: an inner tyrant who bullies us into thinking there is not enough, never enough, for all of us.

Source: Creative Commons, public image

Our own solitariness, self-interest, confines us, condemns us, isolating us more than any wall ever could, leaving us colder than those bodies buried in the ground.

The heat of all these protests can help—to say nothing of those cozy pink pussyhats—and already their impact is being felt: the CEO of Uber resigned from Trump’s Economic Advisory Council after more than 2 million people deleted their Uber accounts. Over 800 companies, including major corporations like BMW, Kellogg’s and Visa, have pulled ads from Breitbart News.  Nordstrom’s has cut all ties to Ivanka Trump and her shoddy products. And her father hasn’t even been in office three weeks.

This resistance is more than a vigorous expression of civic dissatisfaction.  It is powered by something deeper: revulsion, rage.  It draws strength from the same “darkness” cummings wrote about, and Shakespeare.  It is a different face of that inner tyrant, our Caliban.  We are all capable of the most craven reactions.  We have all waged the most inopportune battles (sorry, Australia) and backed allies even less worthy than Bill Belichick. But that same energy, obstinacy, can be harnessed to achieve something surpassing, something elevated: Unity. Acceptance. Love.

Love is the whole and more than all, cummings concludes, in the spirit of his father.

My father wouldn’t have understood.

But I learned something about freedom the day he was lowered into the ground.

There was more room, suddenly, between me and the sky.

Source: Pixabay public domain

In a previous post, I recommended five scientifically valid and clinically helpful do-it-yourself techniques to help speed up improvement from depression:

• Exercise, even if you have the energy for just a few steps.
• Stimulate the brain’s pleasure centers.
• Get morning light.
• Hugs.
• Use your eyes to decrease the anxiety often accompanying depression

A New Recommendation: Manage the nutrient composition of your diet 

A recent scientific article reports results from the first diet intervention study done with the necessary rigorous methodology. (Diet here means food composition, not amount. Weight loss was not a goal.) They assigned depressed people randomly to one of two groups: diet modification or an alternate procedure. They then compared the mood improvements of the two groups.

Who was in the study? The subjects had moderate to severe depression. In addition, their diet contained a lot of sugar, processed meats and salty snacks, with few fruits and vegetables. If they were already receiving medication and/or psychotherapy, they continued with these treatments.

What was the intervention? It was not complicated or unusual. The dietary intervention subjects met regularly with a dietician and were encouraged to eat foods consistent with the Mediterranean diet: primarily fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean red meats and fish, low-fat dairy products, eggs, nuts, legumes and olive oil. Limiting fried foods, processed meats, sweets and alcohol was recommended. The control/comparison group subjects also met regularly with trained personnel, but no diet advice counseling was given. Instead, they had the social support of an interested professional person talking with them about neutral topics (sports, news, music) of interest to the participant.

What were the results?After three months, a shift to a Mediterranean diet was seen only in the diet-counseled group.Depression symptoms declined much more in the diet-change group compared to the comparison group. Many more in the diet-change group met the criteria indicating a full remission of depression.  

Why would this diet change help improve depression?

While much still remains to be learned, there are scientifically valid reasons to explain the results. We know that lipids are a major component of neuron structure. For this reason, eliminating all fats is never a good idea. Eating the good lipids specified in the Mediterranean diet provides what’s needed for neuronal anatomy—while being good  for our general health as well.

Also, the types of bacteria in the gut affect the increasingly-understood gut-brain connection, and the types of bacteria present are influenced by nutrient intake. Nutrients also affect other factors thought to have a negative role in depression, such as inflammation and oxidative stress

Peanut Butter and Dark Chocolate

While additional research with even more participants are needed to further validate this new study, there is enough good science here to green-light adding the recommended foods.

For example: why not enjoy a lunch of peanut butter and a little low-sugar jam on multigrain bread, followed by a one-ounce piece of dark chocolate? The peanuts (legume), reduced sugar and grain bread follow the Mediterranean-like diet.  Although not a part of that food plan, dark chocolate contains chemicals known to increase feelings of alertness and pleasure, as well as having a good amount of antioxidants to counter oxidative stress.

Food and eating are major sources of pleasure, and stimulation of the pleasure centers is important in treating depression. So, choose foods that maximize effective nutrients AND provide a pleasurable kick at the same time.

For some people, bedtime is the most stressful time of the day. Rather than looking forward to restful slumber, they’re wondering if they’ll fall asleep at all, or what time it will be when they finally do. If it’s been several nights, or even weeks, since they had more than a few consecutive hours of sleep, they know they’re already running on fumes, and can’t imagine what tomorrow will be like if they lose even more sleep tonight. They know they should relax, but the exhaustion, and anxiety about the exhaustion, feed on each other, and make things worse.

These are the insomniacs, and they make up anywhere from 10 – 35% of the population. Maybe you’re even one of them.

Chances Are You’ll Battle Insomnia if You Already Haven’t

Most people will battle some degree of insomnia at some point in their lives. About thirty-five percent of people deal with mild cases that resolve on their own. Another fifteen to twenty percent develop a short-term sleep disorder, lasting less than three months. But for ten percent of the population, insomnia is a chronic problem defined as  difficulty with sleep at least three times per week, for at least three months. For some this can go on for years. 

Those most at risk for developing insomnia symptoms are generally older, and in poor health. Women are twice as likely to have trouble sleeping at some point in their lives, and shift workers report higher than average rates of sleeplessness too.

Ironically, those who juggle work and family commitments, and work long hours, are at higher risk for insomnia too. Despite the obvious physical demands of their busy schedules, they are often too mentally “wired” to fall asleep easily at the end of the day. The sense that their day isn’t quite over, or that they didn’t accomplish as much as they wanted to, keeps them awake.

Insomnia is Expensive and Dangerous

If you’ve ever had insomnia, you already know how lousy it can make you feel. Groggy and irritable describes how everyone feels after losing just one night of good sleep. Multiply the one night by three, and carry it over a few weeks, or months, and you can begin to imagine the cumulative effect of chronic insomnia. 

Forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, poor memory, lack of motivation, and daytime sleepiness, all take their toll. One study found that while insomniacs were no more likely to miss work than their better-rested peers, their productivity suffered dramatically. Even though they were at work, they were too tired to do their jobs well, which cost their employers an average of $2,280 per person. The study’s lead author, Ronald Kessler, Ph.D., a psychiatric epidemiologist at Harvard Medical School, even coined a name for their condition: “Presenteeism.”

CNN reported that another study estimated an employee with insomnia loses about eight days of work performance each year. Nationally, that adds up to $63 billion lost to insomnia each year.

Chronic insomnia can also cause more serious physical and mental health issues. Over time, sleep deprivation can lead to high blood pressure, and depression, and if mental health conditions predate insomnia, the lack of sleep can worsen symptoms. In fact, sleep is so important to mental health, treating sleep loss is one of the top mental health issues in America today.

As if all this isn’t bad enough, driving while drowsy is as bad as driving drunk– literally. Getting four to five hours in a single night is like driving legally drunk, and sleeping less than four hours leaves a person as impaired as if they’d had twice the legal limit of alcohol. In fact, missing just two to three hours of sleep in a 24-hour period more than quadruples the risk of crash, compared to drivers who get seven hours of sleep.

There’s no question about it, these are compelling reasons to lose sleep over sleep loss!

Traditional Insomnia Treatment Options Have Limitations

Natural Insomnia Remedies

Pro: These are the tried-and-true options your pharmacist, or grandmother might suggest.

Con: They don’t work well for people with moderate to severe insomnia.

Melatonin: This is a hormone that helps regulate the sleep/wake cycle. Available over the counter at your local drugstore, Melatonin causes drowsiness, lowers body temperature, and acts like an internal pacemaker, creating a drive for sleep. Melatonin works best for those who have trouble falling asleep, not for those who struggle to stay asleep all night. Melatonin is still a hormone though, so it’s best to take it with a doctor’s supervision.

Magnesium: Research shows that even a slight magnesium deficiency can lead to sleepless nights. This is because magnesium helps the brain settle down at night. The best sources are green leafy vegetables, wheat germ, pumpkin seeds, and almonds. Magnesium supplements are also an option, but may interact with medications, so it’s always important to check with a doctor before taking them.

L-tryptophan:  Naturally found in animal and plant proteins, L-tryptophan is considered an essential amino acid because our bodies can't make it. L-tryptophan converts in the body to 5-HTP (5-hyrdoxytryptophan), and then to serotonin, which transmits signals between nerve cells, and has a calming effect on mood. The reason people tend to feel sleepy after eating Thanksgiving dinner? Turkey has higher than average levels of L-tryptophan. While this remedy does help people fall asleep more easily, it’s not without risk. It has been linked to over 1500 reports of eosinophilia-myalgia syndrome (EMS) and 37 deaths due to a contaminated product so only buy reputable brands. Pregnant women in particular should never take L-Tryptophan.

Warm milk: Believe it or not, there’s a chemical reason grandma’s favorite remedy can work! Milk is an excellent source of calcium, which helps the brain make melatonin. Almond milk is a great stand-in for people who are allergic to dairy, because it’s high in calcium too. Warming it doesn’t really do anything other than spark pleasant memories of childhood, although there is something to be said for the fact that the body absorbs nutrients from foods and beverages closer to body temperature more easily.

Snacks: Speaking of food, there are snacks that can help too. Foods that combine carbohydrates and protein are best for inducing sleep. Banana, with some peanut butter, or a few crackers with cheese can help, but it’s best to try food at least thirty minutes before bed so you have time to digest it.

Lavender: Last but not least, research shows that taking a warm bath with lavender oil before bed can relax the mind and the body well enough for people with mild insomnia to fall asleep more easily. 

Prescription Drugs

Pro: Most people are able to fall asleep more easily using prescription medications.

Con: Prescription sleep aids have side effects, some can be serious, and many of these drugs are habit-forming. They can also be expensive, and require more frequent visits to the doctor to check for negative side effects, and to get prescriptions refilled.

For those whose insomnia doesn’t respond to natural remedies, prescription medications are usually the treatment of choice. This is because drugs solve the immediate problem: they help people fall asleep, and stay asleep long enough to reap the physical benefits of sleep. 

Here’s a list of the most commonly prescribed sleep aids, their dosages, and risk of abuse:

Source: Source/Sleepdex

The obvious downside to using these drugs is that the physical benefits of finally getting sleep can quickly be outweighed by some of the potential negative side effects. Obviously, every person responds differently to medication, but with possible side effects like the ones on this list, it’s important to consider whether or not the cure may be worse than the disease!

• Burning or tingling in the hands, arms, feet, or legs
• Changes in appetite
• Constipation
• Diarrhea
• Difficulty keeping balance
• Dizziness
• Daytime drowsiness
• Dry mouth or throat
• Gas
• Headache
• Heartburn
• Impairment the next day
• Mental slowing or problems with attention or memory
• Stomach pain or tenderness
• Uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body
• Unusual dreams
• Weakness
• Sleepwalking
• Sleep-driving
• Sleep sex

The most dangerous short term side effect of taking prescription sleep aids is accidental overdose. According to research by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, the number of emergency room visits involving overmedication of zolpidem—the active ingredient in some prescription sleeping pills—almost doubled between 2005 and 2010, increasing from 21,824 visits in a two-year period to 42,274. 

Also sleeping pills hit women much harder than men, but many people, including some doctors, don’t know this. According to Carl Bazil, M.D., director of sleep and epilepsy at Columbia University, "Women tend to metabolize sleeping pills slower than men …. And when they take too high a dose, the effect is extra strong." 

Prescription sleep aids do work, but they’re not a long-term solution, due to the major long term side effect, which is dependency and even addiction. Also, there are drug interactions that can cause negative side effects. And then there’s the financial cost of the frequent doctor visits, and the pills themselves.

Considering all the costs and potential negatives, it’s easy to understand why many patients would want to avoid medication, and find some other solution to their sleep problems.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Offers Effective Drug-Free Relief

Pro: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) does not use medication, and offers the best hope for a long-term cure.

Con: It is expensive and time-consuming, and it can be hard to find a therapist who specializes in treating insomnia.

The way CBT works is that it teaches patients better sleep habits. Typical treatment protocol involves several sessions (anywhere from 4 to 12) that last about 30 minutes with a qualified sleep professional. The CBT therapist doesn’t need to be a psychiatrist, or even a doctor. Nurse practitioners can provide this treatment, if they are properly trained in treating insomnia.  

CBT teaches the insomniac better sleep hygiene, and helps them develop healthier attitudes towards sleep in general. This therapy is very structured, and patients have to do homework between sessions. Patients often keep a sleep diary, to keep track of the thoughts and expectations they have about sleep, and to document the length and quality of their sleep. Therapists encourage patients to use techniques for stress reduction, relaxation and sleep schedule management. 

CBT is so effective, it’s become the gold standard for patients with moderate to severe insomnia who want to avoid medication. 

As successful as cognitive therapy can be though, it’s not an option for many sufferers because they don’t live in an area where there are cognitive therapists who specialize in sleep disorders, or they can’t afford them when they do. 

Sleep Healthier Using the Internet

For years, doctors and therapists have cautioned patients with sleep disorders like insomnia to avoid the Internet at all costs at bedtime. LED light from devices blocks the body’s ability to tell day from night, and the content you find there tends to be more stimulating than sleep inducing. That’s all still true, but according to the Journal of the American Medical Association, daytime participation in a new Internet-based therapy called SHUTi (Sleep Healthy Using the Internet) may be the insomniac’s ticket to dreamland.

SHUTi allows the participant to get the same treatment they’d get from a qualified CBT therapist, but in the comfort of their own home. The treatment takes place entirely online, and many patients report significant improvements in their sleep in a matter of weeks, even those who have suffered for years with insomnia and feel they’ve tried everything. 

The best part, other than the effectiveness of these programs, is that an entire program typically costs about the same as a single session with a CBT therapist. 

Today, you can find dozens of options for SHUTi therapy online. All you have to do is Google SHUTi, and you’ll get pages of links to different programs, provided by doctors, universities, hospitals, and companies specializing in sleep related products and services. Of course, as with anything you find online, you’ll need to do your due diligence to make sure a particular program is right for you. Look for one designed and run by properly trained and qualified professionals in the field of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, specifically for insomnia, and look for testimonials or reviews as well. The resources listed below can get you started with your research, but they do not reflect an endorsement of any particular program.

Sleep deprivation is a serious physical and mental health risk, so you should never just tough it out. Now that there’s an effective, affordable online solution, you don’t have to. 

Source: Math Lessons/Shutterstock

Learning mathematics while engaging the full body through physical movement can improve math performance for first graders, according to a new study from Denmark. The February 2017 study, “Motor-Enriched Learning Activities can Improve Mathematical Performance in Preadolescent Children,” was published in the journal Frontiers in Human Neuroscience.  

The new findings from the University of Copenhagen's Department of Nutrition, Exercise, and Sports add fresh insights to a growing body of research on the correlation between motor skills, moderate-to-vigorous physical activity (MVPA), and academic performance. The Danish researchers also found that students reap the most benefits when mathematical learning and various types of movement are individualized.

In 2013, a study from Finland reported that children with poor motor skills also have poorer reading and arithmetic skills. The Finnish study found that children who performed poorly in agility, speed, and manual dexterity tests also had lower reading and arithmetic test scores in first through third grade. Conversely, children with better performance on motor-skill tests scored higher on reading and arithmetic tests. 

In a 2016 follow-up study, the Finnish researchers found that the combination of high levels of sedentary time (ST) and low levels of MVPA were correlated with an increased risk that 6- to 8-year-old boys would perform poorly in reading and arithmetic during grades 1-3 of elementary school.

These findings reinforce the findings of other research on ADHD which concluded that it's especially important to make physical activity an integral part of young boys' daily lives to help them stay focused in school. Physical activity helps children with ADHD think and perform better on tests. (To read more on this, check out my Psychology Today blog post, "Increasing Physical Movement Reduces Symptoms of ADHD.")

The new study from Denmark dovetails with the aforementioned research from Finland and is groundbreaking because it digs deeper into the nitty-gritty of the link between movement and cognition. The Danish researchers were curious to pinpoint what types of physical activity work best for improving academic performance. They also investigated what levels of aerobic intensity and physical exertion optimize learning. In a statement, head researcher and associate professor of integrated physiology Jacob Wienecke said,  

"The children learn more if they move and use the whole body to learn. Compared to previous studies which demonstrated that intense physical activity could improve learning outcomes, we have been able to show that lower intensity activities are just as effective, or even more effective, as long as movement is integrated into the topic at hand.

We need to keep this in mind when developing new forms of instruction. The new school reform focuses on, among other things, the incorporation of physical activity during the school day, with the aim of improving the motivation, well-being and learning of ALL children.

However, individual understanding must be taken into account. Otherwise, we risk an unfortunate combined outcome in which those who are already proficient advance, and those who have not yet mastered concepts cannot keep up."

The researchers are currently investigating which specific brain areas and motor systems are involved in these various learning strategies. They will also be testing how physical activity and motor-enriched learning has positive effects on other academic skills, such as reading.

"I thought of that while riding my bicycle."—Albert Einstein on E = mc² 

Albert Einstein said of E = mc², "I thought of that while riding my bicycle." 

Source: Wikimedia Commons/Public Domain

Albert Einstein intuitively understood the link between physical movement and mathematics. When asked how he came up with his general theory of relativity, E = mc² (which is arguably the most famous mathematical equation of all time) Einstein quipped, “I thought of that while riding my bicycle.”

Einstein was notorious for taking long walks around Princeton, where he lived and worked for much of his career. He would also use his bicycle to commute and for recreation, most likely ruminating about math equations and how to solve complex riddles of quantum physics while pedaling along. In recent years, this type of anecdotal evidence that links intellectual performance, Eureka! moments, and physical activity has been corroborated by a wide variety of empirical research.

From a neuroscientific standpoint, multiple studies (on people of all ages) have concluded that moderate to vigorous physical activity and cardiorespiratory fitness are associated with improved white matter integrity—which optimizes the functional connectivity and communication between brain regions. (I've written dozens of Psychology Today blog posts on this topic. Click on this link to read more.) 

Across the human lifespan, daily aerobic activity also influences the volume of gray matter in specific brain regions and is associated with improved cognitive functioning and creative output.

(As a side note: I have a hypothesis that many of the brain benefits of physical activity might stem from enhanced interconnectivity between both hemispheres of the cerebrum (Latin for "brain") and both hemispheres of the cerebellum (Latin for "little brain"). My speculation is that optimizing the structure and functional connectivity between all four brain hemispheres through physical activities can help to improve fine-tuned motor skills while simultaneously fine-tuning someone's thinking processes. This is just an educated guess on my part. That being said, my system of belief is inspired by Jeremy Schmahmann's extensive research at Harvard Medical School on ataxia and his "Dysmetria of Thought" hypothesis.) 

More Research Is Needed On the Link Between Physical Activity & Academic Performance

Neuroscientists are rapidly honing in on the specific neural circuitry and brain mechanics that are stimulated by various types of physical activity. But, much more empirical research is necessary. Hopefully, future studies will lead to better methods for diagnosing and prescribing finely-tuned and specialized types of motor-enriched learning that are best suited for each individual child (and adult) based on his or her personal needs. 

In the meantime, the growing body of research presented herein drives home the importance of integrating individualized motor-enriched learning activities into elementary schools. These type of movement-based learning strategies should be a top priority for policymakers and educators; especially in a digital era that is plagued by excessive screen time and sedentarism(too much sitting).

Source: freestocks.org, used with permission

As Valentine’s Day approaches, men and women across the world will be reflecting on their romantic relationship, and how it can be enhanced, enriched and improved.

Sadly, many romantic relationships flounder on minor misunderstandings, which can often escalate into full-scale crisis. These misunderstandings may be diminished, through enhancing what is known in social science as inter-subjectivity.

Inter-subjectivity

Inter-subjectivity refers to the ability to deeply understand the subjective experience of another person. This includes recognizing that the human mind often wonders through time.

The mind can be directed at people, places and events far away in the past or envisioned far in the future. In other words, minds may be conscious of things unrelated to the present moment.

Inter-subjectivity can be enhanced through thoughtful consideration of the distinction between internal events and external events.

Examples of external events are interpersonal interactions or happenings witnessed in the outside world in the here and now. Internal events include vivid memories from the past or day-dreams about the future.  

Comprehending the difference between internal and external events, and the interaction between the two, may be essential to understanding mood or behavioral changes in a romantic partner. Such changes can occur in light of an overwhelming internal event, which by definition may not be visible or easily comprehensible to another.

Individual Frameworks of Meaning

Internal events can be provoked by a variety of stimuli. For example, mild external events can precipitate severe internal events. This stems from a psychological truism that each individual perceives and reacts to objects, situations and events differently.

For example, a backfiring car may be meaningless to a construction engineer, but may provoke a stressful internal reaction in someone who witnessed battle as a child.

In fact, there is a complex relationship between everyday experiences and the internal world. Everyday experiences are generally interpreted through individual frameworks of meaning, which can heavily influence the internal world.

These frameworks can structure a loose action-reaction relationship in the human mind. An external event is the action and the individual reacts with an internal event.

For example, a man who has experienced repeated romantic betrayal may possess a framework that configures around a belief that women cannot be trusted. When a new romantic relationship begins, a mild event such as the partner arriving late for a date (the action), can provoke a maladaptive internal event, with the man imagining the worst regarding the lateness (the reaction).

Was she seeing another man? Was she on the Internet arranging dates? Is she leading a double-life? The internal event may be severe, even if the external event was not, as the action-reaction interact idiosyncratically.

Catastrophizing

The differential role of internal and external events explains why circumstances that may seem insignificant to one romantic partner maybe potentially catastrophic for the other.

For example, prolonged eye contact from a romantic partner is an external event. This will provoke a pleasing internal event in most individuals, but others (for example, victims of intimate partner violence) may find it threatening or disturbing.

Those vulnerable to catastrophic internal events may identify and avoid threats (or potential threats) to escape perceived negative consequences. This can be incapacitating; for example the person who refuses to commit to a blossoming romantic relationship because they imagine betrayal or abandonment in the future.

In these cases, dysfunctional individual frameworks can prevent growth and learning.

Promoting Empathy

In short, moods and behaviors are constantly affected by internal and external events. Awareness of this complex interplay can enhance inter-subjectivity. Knowing that the subjective experience of partners is heavily coloured by internal events can prevent misunderstandings about the nature or origin of any mood or behavioral changes.

Inter-subjectivity can promote true and deep empathy between two humans; bringing greater health, happiness and humanity to romantic relationships.

Remember this, as Valentine’s Day approaches.

If cats had Tinder (1) then a hopeful Tom might advertise “Rapid and efficient sperm intromission—ovulation guaranteed by tearing the vaginal walls. I have the spiniest penis you have ever seen”, and get lots of enthusiastic replies. Well, yowls.

But we don’t work that way. We like to take our time in sex, and pay attention to individual needs, quirks, and kinks. Those are important fact about us—although to read some sex researchers you might be forgiven for thinking that only things that exist in laboratories are real. But labs aren’t terribly sexy places, and it’s a non-accidental feature of humans that we typically have private sex where we don’t invite people in lab coats to watch and measure us while we try to break the record for “brief encounter”.

Actually, a number of other primate species don’t just “come and go” either. The technical term for hanging around with one’s primate sexual partner is called “consortship”. (2) This means something like “paying attention to one’s sexual partner before and/or after sex”.

Well, “Duh!”, you might say. But actually, there is a lot of debate about what “consortship” means in detail, and there is no doubt at all that monogamous long-term pair-bonds are not the only sexual behavior that humans exhibit. However, all that said, everywhere you find humans you find a notion that actually giving two hoots about one’s sexual partner is a nice thing to do at least once in a while.

Which brings me to penis bones.

Spend any time with a group of heterosexual women and the subject of penis morphology will come up. Guys’ anxieties about being judged are, if anything, an under-estimate—although from a sex-ed perspective it's worth pointing out that those who learn some technical skills and/or use prosthetics can short-circuit all that anxiety and satisfy their partners just fine. As Dan Savage puts it “hands don’t lose their erections”.

But—old habits die hard and it’s a good bet that penises fall under (female) sexual selection. And female selection is brutally honest in humans. When we examine our DNA most women got to be ancestors, most men didn't. (3)

An interesting new paper explores the phylogeny (history of the trait) and evolved function of the baculum—the bone in the penis. (4) “What bone?” you may ask—and that’s the point. Most primates have one, we do not.  Actually, it’s even more interesting than that. Walruses, for instance, have huge bacula up to two feet in length, while the Tarsier has one less than a cm long. Why the variation?

The authors have examined the phylogenetic trees of over 5000 mammals and concluded that we had a common ancestor with a baculum and therefore lost it at some point. Other studies have suggested that mammals gained and lost the baculum nine or more times in their history. (5)

Given that heterosexual women seem interested in the size and staying power of this organ, why have humans lost the bone that artificially stiffens it?

The authors point out that species without a baculum tend not to have prolonged intromission. They then note that humans don’t make it into the “prolonged intromission” category (over three minutess) citing Kinsey’s finding that copulation in humans typically lasts two minutes or less.

Source: creative commons share

I don’t want to get personal here but, two minutes? This reminded me of a recent finding that “post-copulatory affection” (e.g. “cuddling”) increases “relationship satisfaction”. As Bill Maher quipped on reporting this, “You mean doing it with my pants on and then jumping out the window immediately afterwards is wrong?”

Labs are great places for controlling variables but, apart for those with some pretty esoteric kinks, are not terribly erotic settings. Ethologists try to measure behaviour in natural settings and, in natural settings, copulation that lasts two minutes start to finish is not (we hope) terribly typical of a human sexual encounter. At least—not one that either party would rush to repeat.

There’s another evolutionary possibility that the authors of the baculum paper don’t appear to have considered—honest signalling. I think it was Richard Dawkins who first hypothesised that erections were hard to fake signals of erotic interest and vascular health and, as such, might be under sexual selection (by females) in much the same way that peacocks trains are. This would certainly be compatible with the female interest and male anxiety concerning said organ.

But it could be more interesting even than that. Human (baculum-free) penises bend inside the body of their partners, allowing interaction with internal sensitive structures, as beautifully illustrated by this scan of a couple having sex.

Source: BMJ (Used with author permsision and under fair use rules)

And what are those internal structures? Well, as I may have mentioned once or twice, the clitoris is a large and complex organ which, like an iceberg, is mostly internal. Since most people haven’t seen one I’ve gone to the trouble of having a life-sized one made up.

The honest-signalling possibility suggests a range of testable hypotheses. For example, if the hard-to-fake aspect of the male sexual organ is being measured by the complexity of the female's, do other primates show the same degree of internal complexity? Intromissal timing might not be the best measure either—given that this is often likely to be a function of privacy. For instance, if the other members of your primate troupe witness you having sex then staying inside your partner for longer minimises the access that rivals can have. But maybe the route humans took was to charm their partners in privacy. As Darwin put it "the power to charm females" is more important than the ability to "defeat other males in battle".

Source: creative commons licence

For humans, the mate who comes and goes is perhaps not the one to maximise chances of fertility with. On the other hand, the one who is paying detailed specific attention to you and your personality (expressed through sexual needs) and is showing had to fake (and hard to hide) arousal in specific response to you (without aid of a bone) might be just the person you want to splice genes with in a species like ours which has likes to invest so much in offspring and at least has the option of drawing the male partner into this investment sometimes. (7)

Happy Valentines Day!

Although we are just beginning to say hello to February, this year has been off to a sad start with several people in my immediate circle—individuals I knew personally, or who are connected to friends or family members—committing suicide. There’s no easy way to acknowledge or accept this, or even an uncomplicated way to type those words. Each has had a different reason for doing so, but what remains constant is the sadness left in the wake.

Source: 123rf.com

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States with an average of 121 individuals dying a day. With such an important topic like suicide, why is it not addressed more often? Of course there is a National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month in September and a World Suicide Prevention Day, but we also have “national days” for things like tacos and doughnuts. Now, I am not saying tacos and doughnuts do not deserve recognition, but when it comes to suicide, there is a difference in importance.

Every day should be suicide prevention awareness day. Every day should be an opportunity to communicate the importance of knowing the signs of a person contemplating self harm what steps to follow to get help, and resources available.

There are many reasons an individual may decide to end his or her life, but here are six notable reasons:

• Depression: The feeling of despondency and distress; it can strike at any age and can encompass a roller coaster of emotions. Different groups of people do experience depression in different ways for example men and women display depression differently and men are four times more likely to die of suicide than women (NAMI).
• Despair: Hopelessness can be a sign of depression, but it can also stand alone. Research has shown that severe despair and hopelessness can be predictors of suicide (NCBI 2012).
• Decline: Individuals suffering from chronic illness and/or chronic pain resist seeking psychiatric or psychological care for fear their pain symptoms will be minimized or considered reflective of an underlying mental disorder. A survey by Hitchcock et al found that 50% of chronic pain patients had serious thoughts of committing suicide due to their pain disorder (NCBI 2011).
• Defeat: A feeling that “It’s all wrong” or “I can’t do anything right.” The inability to escape from defeating or stressful circumstances provides the setting conditions for the emergence of suicidal thoughts (Lancet Psychiatry 2014).
• Desolation: Feeling alone, isolated, and sometimes, bullied. This is more commonly seen in teens and older adults, but it can apply to anyone. Loneliness has been attributed to social anxiety and suicide in teens (Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 2014).
• Demographics: Among American Indians/Alaska Natives age 10 to 34, suicide is the second leading cause of death. Males take their own lives at nearly four times the rate of females and represent 77.9% of all suicides. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among persons aged 10-14 and the second among persons aged 15-34 years (CDC 2015).

Suicide leaves survivors with the question of "Why?" Although a solid answer to why an individual may consider suicide as a viable option may never be known, absorption of the negativity recently seen in our society can play a part in finalizing a decision. Media outlets have reveled in stories of division and dejection, while social media constantly bombards readers with angry posts, body shaming, illusions of perfect couples and lives, and false happiness. It has become a landmine of hatred.

Take time to reach out to those in need. Don't settle for just, "Fine." Step-up, initiate the conversation, and take the lead.

Source: 123rf.com

I chose February to bring this subject to light to remind ourselves that as we become deluged with Valentine’s ads, posts, and stories, we need to pay close attention to those around us.  Take the time to notice. Notice the behavior of friends, family, loved ones —take a moment to ask, “How are you?” and care about what the answer may be. Don’t settle for just, “Fine.” Most individuals are not “fine,” yet use the term loosely to avoid a personal discussion of feelings. Step-up and initiate the conversation, take the lead!

Suicide is life changing, life ending, and only a brief moment of darkness that can be altered with intervention.

If you know someone who is showing the signs, take the time. If you need support, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Lifeline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The deaf and hard of hearing can contact the Lifeline via TTY at 1-800-799-4889.

There are also apps that can be downloaded onto mobile devices to help with thoughts of suicide for personal use, or to use with others. My3 is owned and maintained by Link2HealthSolutions, Inc., the administrator of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

At some point, as we are growing up, we will be required to make a decision. How we make that decision will depend on our care-givers, our own experiences and our personality. However, if we have been given good examples of decision making and been encouraged to make decisions for ourselves that were within our capabilities, then our executive Adult will largely be in control of assessing the pros and cons of any situation. If we have been less fortunate in our experiences as we have grown up, having to make serious decisions before we were mature enough or had the skills to or if we have been given bad examples of decision making by those adults around us, then our Rebellious Child or Critical Parent will get too big a role and our decisions will be poor. The good news is it’s never too late to learn to make better decisions for yourself.

The most important question to ask yourself before making a decision is, “Does this make sense for me?” This covers numerous scenarios: Will this make me happy?  Is this the right situation for me? Should I be doing this? What are the short-term implications?  What are the long term ones?  This helps your Adult self to assess what is good for you and decommission your Rebellious Child or your Critical Parent.

Your inner Rebellious Child is impulsive and often seeking a thrill or to get back at someone. Sometimes we even let the Rebellious Child get in the driving seat for life! We all know people who make impulsive, thrill driven, short term decisions that turn out badly again and again. If you have this tendency, acknowledge this. Your Rebellious Child will have grown large and important if you did not get help making decisions when you were a child. If you were left to fend for yourself or if others were favoured above you. However, as an Adult this can get you into difficult situations so you need to take back control.

The Rebellious Child is inclined to make decisions quickly so one of the keys for you will be to take your time.  You need to say to people that you need time to think and that you will get back to them.  Rebellious Children have learned not to expect help when decision-making.  Now is the time to reverse that and ask someone who is stable and whose judgement is good, to help you; your boss, a friend, a teacher.  Your Rebellious Child will tell you that this is weak and to hurry up but this is a trick and your executive Adult needs a chance to kick in and take over.  The more you practice taking your time, checking whether a decision is good for you (on many levels) and asking for help, the stronger your Executive Adult skills will become and your Rebellious Child will only appear occasionally and not on important occasions.

People with a strong Critical Parent tend to have had harsh parenting themselves or a fearful parent who made them doubt themselves.  In order to tame your inner Critical Parent you need to change it’s nagging, critical voice and to replace it with a nurturing, caring voice instead.  So, if when you are making an important decision your inner Critical Parent starts to tell you that “You’ll get this wrong, like everything else.”  Change the tape and start to tell yourself “I can make good decisions”  “I know what’s good for me and can check this with other people.”  “Any mistakes I make are a learning experience and how I get better at things.”

Once we have started to decommission this unhelpful pair our executive Adult will get stronger and stronger and the decisions we make for ourselves will get better and better.  Don’t forget, also, to remind yourself that both these little gremlins feed on several things.  They both feed on negativity, so it is important to praise yourself for any changes and for positive outcomes and to recognise that getting good at anything takes practice.  The other thing is to use local thinking and not global thinking.  Local thinking is part of the Executive Adult and means that you look at negative things from the perspective of a one-time incident.  So, if you make a decision that turns out not to be too good then you tell yourself, “Never mind, I’ve learned something and I’ll do better next time.” (local thinking) not, “Oh my goodness, I’m always making the wrong decision, nothing goes right for me.” (global thinking).  Local thinking encourages us to emphasise the positive, whatever the outcome and global thinking encourages us to see our behaviour as symptomatic of our disastrous lives!  Don’t do it as it is very unhelpful and reinforces a negative feedback loop and in addition it feeds our Critical Parent and/or Rebellious Child.

So, just to recap:

Whatever the decision and its outcome, employ local not global thinking.
Ask yourself, “Does this make sense for me?”
Take your time and don’t be hurried. 
Ask for help if you need it

Remember, too, to be kind to yourself as any change takes time and it is natural to make mistakes: in the words of Albert Einstein “We only fail when we stop trying.”

Source: Fotolia.com

“I’m actually the best manager the office has have ever had. Before I got here, no one knew what they were doing.” Boastful comments like that make listeners cringe (and roll their eyes).

Braggarts aren't usually revered. Most people favor modesty and humility over gloating.

Sometimes, in an effort to avoid sounding like a blowhard, you might become overly modest. But keeping your success to yourself and minimizing your achievements can be a problem too.

Perhaps you just got a promotion and you don’t tell your friends the good news because you’re afraid they’ll think you’re bragging. Consequently, they miss out on celebrating right alongside you.

Or maybe you’re talking to your boss during your annual performance review and you downplay your achievements so you don’t sound like a narcissist. Ultimately, you get passed over for a promotion.

It’s OK to share your success—as long as you do it in an authentic and humble way. Here are seven ways to talk about your accomplishments without sounding like a braggart:

1. Keep The Emphasis On Your Hard Work

Saying, “Oh that was easy,” or “I barely tried,” sounds arrogant. When you’ve accomplished something big, emphasize your hard work.

Say, “I worked really hard to make this happen.” Listeners will respect your triumphs when they know you put in a lot of effort.

2. Don't Belittle Other People

Avoid disparaging remarks about other people. Put-downs, like, “The other people in the office could never have done this,” won’t elevate your status. Instead, you’ll just sound mean.

Leave out comparisons if you can. If you crossed the marathon finish line in first place, it’s OK to say you were first. But don’t add that the second place finisher was a mile behind you.

3. Give Credit Where It’s Due

Acknowledge the team, friends, or family who helped you along the way. Similar to the acknowledgements in the back of a book, or an Oscar winner’s acceptance speech, point out that you aren’t solely responsible for your success.

Say, “I couldn’t have done this without such a supportive spouse,” or, “My team really stepped it up to make this happen.” People are receptive to hearing success stories when credit is given where it’s due.

4. Stick To The Facts

Sweeping generalizations and positive labels equate to tooting your own horn. Stick to self-disclosure, rather than self-praise and you’ll sound more authentic. Rather than saying, “I’m an excellent leader,” say, “Since I took over the team, sales have doubled.”

Let other people interpret the facts. If they conclude you’re an excellent leader or a rock star salesperson on their own, you’ll still come across as modest.

5. Express Gratitude

Make it clear that you don’t think you deserve good fortune simply because you are a great person. Show gratitude by saying, “I am so grateful that the company gave me this opportunity,” or “I’m thankful that I have such a supportive family.” Expressing a little gratitude will show you are down to earth.

6. Don’t Add A Qualifier

Saying, “I hate to brag, but…” doesn’t excuse showing off. In fact, it only draws attention to the fact you know what you’re about to say may be a turn-off, but you’re saying it anyway.

Instead of a semi-apologetic warning, try saying, “I’m so excited to share my good news,” or, “I’m happy to announce…” before you tout your accomplishment.

7. Avoid The Humble-Brag

It can be tempting to add a disparaging remark to offset your compliments about yourself. But saying, “I am so embarrassed I let my Lamborghini get this dirty,” won’t earn you any points. In fact, studies show humble-bragging makes people sound insincere.

So if you want to make a good impression, avoid disguising self-promotion as a complaint. You’re better off directly communicating your accomplishments.

Own Your Success Without Sounding Like A Narcissist

Before you tell other people about your success, consider why you’re touting your accomplishments. If you’re hoping to gain admiration from others, or you’re trying to make someone else look inferior, it’s best not to share.

It’s important to get comfortable with your success. When you feel worthy of your success, you’ll feel less awkward talking about your greatness.

Additionally, when you own your success you won’t feel compelled to share your achievement to prove to other people you’re worthy. Instead, you’ll be able to talk about your performance in a productive manner.

Source: AmyMorinLCSW.com

Want to learn how to give up the bad habits that rob you of mental strength? Pick up a copy of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do. 

Thanks to writer/performer/activist Eve Ensler, Valentine’s Day has become a time to advocate for women. However, what has been starkly missing from the tsunami of media stories about and petitions protesting a vast array of Trump administration actions and projected actions has been anything about violence against women. Senator Jeff Sessions, soon to become Attorney General of the United States, voted against funding for the Violence Against Women Act, and President Donald Trump reportedly plans to ignore women, men, and children who are victims of violence by eliminating the funding of the Violence Against Women Act. And in light of the combination of the President’s history of treatment of women and his continual expressions of respect for Russia, the Russian parliament’s recent, overwhelming vote to decriminalize domestic violence eerily resonates with these portents. 

Media coverage of frightening budget cuts Trump plans for other programs has been substantial, but media coverage of the plan to wipe out funding for services to victims of family violence has been sparse to nonexistent, reflecting the often hidden nature of the latter. It is ironic that such violence is comprised of one set of phenomena that could accurately be called a part of what Trump refers to as “American carnage.” 

Chances are, domestic violence victims were disproportionately absent from the recent, remarkable Women’s Marches, because typical effects of violence on victims include impaired mobility in the world, reduced finances, and emotional paralysis due to fear of inciting the anger of the perpetrators. Few abusive men want their women victims to march for women’s rights. 

Reports from reliable media reveal that President Trump has been working closely with the Heritage Foundation, a conservative think tank, and is likely to follow its proposals for budget cuts that would include eliminating—not reducing—funding for the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), which then-Senator Joe Biden shepherded to passage in 1994. Already, what used to be the White House’s online fact sheet about the VAWA has vanished. That URL now yields only this message: “Thank you for your interest in this subject. STAY TUNED AS WE CONTINUE TO UPDATE WHITEHOUSE.GOV.” 

Eliminating VAWA funding would disproportionately deprive poor women, immigrant women, women from racialized groups—and many women who are disabled due to abuse—of ways to escape from further violence. Tragically ironic, given President Trump’s apparent focus on reducing costs, is that the VAWA has saved both the nation as a whole and individual states enormous amounts of money. According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, “In its first six years alone, VAWA saved taxpayers at least $12.6 billion in net averted social costs,” and in a recent study of a single state, Kentucky, “civil protection orders saved an average of $85 million a year.” As for savings in human costs, within the Department of Justice, actions funded by the VAWA addressed to domestic violence, sexual assault, dating violence, and stalking have led to dramatic increases in reporting of violence by both women and men, and the numbers of deaths due to intimate partner violence has decreased since 1994 by 34% for women and 57% for men, while non-fatal domestic violence has decreased by 67%.

In spite of these gains, these kinds of violence continue at epidemic levels. In light of President Trump’s focus on saving money and saving jobs, it is important that the costs of intimate partner violence exceed $8.3 billion a year, that victims of intimate partner violence lose a total of 8 million days of paid work yearly, and between 21 and 60% of such victims lose their jobs for causes that stem from that abuse. And because, according to the World Health Organization, victims of abuse are more likely than other people to become addicted to alcohol, tobacco, or drugs, this increases the human and the financial costs of such violence. 

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime. In one year, more than 10 million women and men are physically abused by an intimate partner in the U.S., 1/3 of women and 1/4 of men have been victims of some physical violence by an intimate partner, and for severe physical violence, the figures are 1/5 of women and 1/7 of men. These kinds of violence increase rates of suicidal behavior. Domestic violence hotlines receive an average of more than 20,000 phone calls a day. One-fifth of women have been raped, and 1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence annually, with 90% of those children being eyewitnesses.

Because of the physical injuries and psychological suffering from which so many of these victims of violence suffer, as well as from their intimidation into silence by their abusers, it is up to the rest of us to speak up loudly and unceasingly to stop the infliction of violence-by-budget-cuts on those who have already been harmed and those who will be in the future. A small but important Valentine gift the Trump administration could give would be to get the facts about violence against women back up on the White House’s website. A greater gift would be for the President and Congress to show real heart and publicly and proudly commit to fully funding the VAWA.

Originally published February 8, 2017 on Huffington Post. 

Please note: Sources for the above information include Newsweek and The Hill, among others.

Among the many ways that a child can break their parent’s heart, perhaps having the child lie about being abused by the parent is one of the most painful. This week, I learned this lesson firsthand, and I'm sharing my story with the hope that it can be helpful to other parents who experience this confusing and heartbreaking situation.

Most of the details with respect to my situation aren’t relevant. The details that are important include the following: I adopted my son when he was 4 years old, and he is now almost 10; he experienced physical trauma as a toddler prior to being separated from his drug-addicted biological mother (having his arm twisted and broken); and he was in the foster system for over two years prior to adoption. My son came to us with extensive anger issues and severe Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, and soon after, we saw clear signs of Oppositional/Defiant Disorder. My son has had intermittent behavior problems and mood irritability ever since I've had him, and has received intensive mental health services. In terms of consequences and discipline, I draw on many of the evidence-based parenting practices I have been trained in. Among them, I have found Trip P Positive Parenting and Child-Parent Psychotherapy to be the most helpful. I learned through so many hundreds of hours of family therapy how to approach my son with empathy and how to use techniques that work with anger-prone and oppositional children. Over the five or so years that we have had him, he has come a long way.

Because change is often much harder for children with a trauma history, I knew my co-parent leaving for a week might create some anxiety and acting out in my son. But what happened this week was different than anything else that had happened in the past, and the experience has proven difficult for me to manage. For all the years of training and psychotherapy that I’ve had, the experience rendered me stunned, horrified, and confused. Above all, I looked at my son and thought, How could you say what you said?

The specifics of my situation this week with my son are fairly simple. As I mentioned, my co-parent is gone for a week. The calls from school staff about bad my son's behaviors started coming early in the week. Two different days brought calls from his teacher who requested a meeting. In one of the calls, his teacher shared one of many examples. She had told him in class, “You need to work on your project,” at which point my 9-year old son snapped back, “No, you do it.” My son walked out of classes and did not telling anyone where he was going, and he uttered disrespectful words toward any adults who tried to redirect him. Mid-week, I spoke to his teacher and agreed to her request to meet the following week to discuss my son's concerning attitude. When I went to pick him up from his after-school enrichment program a couple of hours later,  another staff member escorted us out to the car and said that he needed to talk to me. The staff member explained that my son said something extremely disrespectful to him, using profane language, and that my son's behavior needed to change. I told the staff member that his teacher called me earlier to share similar concerns, at which point my son made statements that left me horrified. He began to cry intensely and said the following words through heaves: “Now I’m going to get in trouble. My dad is probably going to spank me, and he’s done it before." My son looked me straight in the eye as the staff member stood with us, and he said with emphasis, "That’schild abuse.” My mouth dropped and I froze. It was like I didn't know who the small child was who stood opposite me.

Because of these fraught, lawsuit-laden words, the staff member then told me that he needed to interview my son alone to explore the allegations of abuse. My younger daughter and I waited for a half-hour as my son met in a private room with multiple staff members as they asked questions about whether he was being physically abused. I was then brought into the room with my son where he lay on a couch and cried, and the male staff member looked at me and said, “He’s saying he doesn’t feel comfortable going home with you.” I had never felt so confused in my entire life. "Huh?" I felt like saying? Not only do I not abuse my child, but I don't even yell! A female staff member joined the group and stated, "I have never seen any bruises on him.” Right, I'm thinking, because I don't abuse my son. I am simply stunned. Things were happening so fast that I couldn't really think straight. A moment later, however, it occurred to me that something ridiculous happened.

A short while before I was asked to defend myself against the abuse allegation, I simply went to pick my son up from school. At that point, I was told by a staff member that my son had made a disrespectful and profane comment to him. The next thing I know: my son is crying, talking about child abuse, and the focus and blame is shifted entirely to me. At this point, when I am on the defensive, my son is lying down and crying, and he is being comforted, as if a victim by the male staff member.

The next day, I had far greater clarity about what happened. His behavior fit with a pattern I have seen before: he gets in trouble for bad behavior, and when his bad behavior is addressed, the first thing he does is to blame someone or something else for his behavior. In retrospect, I can see what my son did: he staged a manipulation to distract everyone from focusing on him. It did not matter to him that he betrayed his own parent to get himself off the hook. I was heartbroken, and it will take me a while to work through the complex feelings. At the time of the incident, I did the right thing by calling Child Protective Services and asking for a consultation, and I encouraged the staff from the school to do the same. I have nothing to hide.

I made the mistake of spanking my son two times in his life, both times when he was 4 or 5 years old and his behavior and anger issues were almost unmanageable. (The anger issues that my son came to us with after four years with a drug-addicted parent and time spent in the foster system were like nothing I had ever seen, even as a clinical psychologist who has worked with children.) But I learned early in my parenting experience what my education and training had already taught me: spanking doesn’t work. It’s not an effective deterrent for bad behavior, and I also believe it is ethically wrong because spanking, at root, is a violent behavior. When my son gets upset, I don’t put a single finger on him because of his trauma history. When my son is escalated, he is so explosive. There is also the more complex dynamic at work where he sometimes tries to start a conflict because he is dysregulated, and I have zero need to be drawn into an argument just so that someone can discharge some feelings they can't handle. This behavior in a child is unconscious, but the motivation is often to induce someone else to feel the same uncomfortable feelings they are feeling. (If you are interested in this dynamic, research the term “projective identification.”)

The statements my son made this week that started all the trouble – tossing the words “child abuse” around like they’re toy rings in a carnival game – stung terribly. They weren’t true, and I pride myself, as any parent does, in being a good parent. I’m there for all the usual stuff – the school drop-off, meals, and laundry – but for the unique stuff, too – cradling him in my arms for every single night terror he has, no matter the time of night or duration. Most of all, I am supportive and praising, and I am never violent, overly punitive, or shaming. When he alleged child abuse during the recent episode, I felt like, How could you? I didn’t do anything wrong, and I am actually a good dad to you! Why are you doing this to me? Why are you trying to get me in trouble when I didn’t even do anything wrong? Words can’t sufficiently describe how creepy it felt, watching him turn on me. I will never forget that feeling as long as I live.

The truth, of course, is that my son wasn’t thinking about my feelings. He didn’t have a grand, psychopathic scheme to undo me or anyone else. My son has a trauma history and he obviously doesn't know how to manage his thoughts and feelings in a consistent, prosocial way. When my son shifted the blame to me and talked about how I abuse him, he was simply trying to get the pressure and eyes off of him and he did whatever he had to do to shift the focus to someone or something else. The episode with my son this week wasn’t the only type of incident like this. My son has made up lies before when he has gotten in trouble. I worry, as he gets older, that this kind of behavior will yield more trouble for him. In other words, it’s one thing if you make up impulsive lies in the first or second grade, but if you keep doing that kind of thing in the tenth or eleventh grade, people start to seriously distrust you and to perceive you as dangerous or as a social liability.

Having gone through this horrific experience, I have real empathy for parents who have had a child falsely allege child abuse. Overall, I'm proud of myself for the way that I handled the situation, not yelling or issuing a physical punishment of any sort. The night this happened, I knew I needed a break and asked my son to stay in his room and to come out for dinner. I hugged him and told him “I love you” when I tucked him in, though I was still overwhelmed with a million negative feelings internally. I've had moments where I ask myself, What will I say or do the next time he says this? Now I know that saying that he is abused is one of the things he may do in the future, so I will never feel stung or shocked in the same way again. (Singer Rod Stewart’s lyric comes to mind in which he sings, “The first cut is the deepest.”) I've learned that I need to keep a written record of the various episodes in which my son makes false statements, which is upsetting but part of what comes with adopting an older toddler who comes with so much trauma already accumulated.

The future with my son is yet to be written. I can share that there are moments when I don't know how to "be" with him, and that I feel confused about whether I can trust his intentions. I know that we will have lots of family therapy sessions, and I don't honestly feel that we could go back to "normal" without outside therapists helping us through it. At the same time, I also know what a good boy my son is and that he deserves a second, third, and hundredth chance.

For now, I will offer some quick guidance in case anything like this ever happens to you. Above all, know that you are not alone and that you can work through the most upsetting circumstances with the right tools and supports.

The tendency to take things personally

If your child ever falsely alleges child abuse, try your hardest to not take it personally. It feels personal, yes, but this kind of defensive or manipulative behavior is a sign that this kind of child is seriously struggling and feels desperate. No child with real peace of mind engages in this type of behavior, so don’t let yourself get caught in a power struggle. Understand that your child will engage in more socially appropriate behaviors with more guidance and support.

Staff who seem to make matters worse

If your child falsely accuses you of abuse, understand that the staff members who interview you about the alleged abuse will make you feel like a predator or serial killer. They will ask questions in a tone that suggests that you did something wrong, and you will feel like you have to defend the kind of person you are and prove it within 60 seconds. In short, many of these staff members will shame you, even though there is nothing to be ashamed of. One particular staff member who interviewed me this week was totally out of line, and I contacted his agency the next morning and pointed out just how unfair, unprofessional, and inappropriate he was. Specifically, I emailed the following: "How you allowed a manipulative 9 year-old to completely a hijack a situation with so many trained staff present is beyond me." I was angry and I expressed my anger in a healthy way so that it didn't come out later inappropriately.

Ongoing psychotherapy or intensive mental health services

Next, when a child falsely alleges child abuse, make sure that child gets into psychotherapy, and this kind of behavior often requires long-term or intensive mental health treatment. The problem with this kind of lying is that it violates very basic laws of normal, social relationships in which parent and child trust and protect each other. If this type of problem is not corrected, all future relationships that child - and, later, adult - has will be compromised.

Frequent communication with school staff

When something like this happens to you, set up a meeting as soon as possible with staff from your child’s school. Meet with teachers, guidance counselors, and even a principal, if possible, and ask them for ideas about how to support your child as well as possible. It is always important for parents and school staff to communicate, but it becomes crucial to do so when your child’s behavior takes on an extreme or antisocial quality. In my case, I scheduled a meeting for the same week with various staff members from the enrichment program and my son. Among the issues we had to discuss, my primary objective was to make sure that my son learns how to identify clearly how he responds when he gets in trouble for bad behavior: he blames someone else. This particular time, it happened to be his own parent.

Having good outlets for negative feelings

Parents who have hobbies and positive extracurricular activities make better parents, especially when those parents are dealing with major problems in the their children. While the situation with my son has been undeniably upsetting for me, many other parents face challenges every day as they raise children with special needs or extreme mental or medical disorders. If you go through a difficult experience or phase with your child who is acting out, make sure you are pursuing healthy outlets so that you keep perspective and not take your frustrations out on your child.

I wish you well if this experience ever happens to you, and I wish you kind and supportive friends and family members who can help you through it. All relationships are works in progress, and the relationships you have with your children are the ones worth the most investment.

Feel free to explore my book on dysfunctional romantic relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

Source: Unsplash

Much has been written on the subject of fear and how it impedes success. Go to the self-help section of any bookstore and you’ll find thousands of pages dedicated to the idea that if you “throw your fears aside you will shine like a burning star and achieve your goals.” According to popular literature, fear tells us “wait a minute you can’t do that, it’s never been done” or “you’re not good enough” or “you don’t have the resources” or “now is not the time.” 

Author Samuel Johnson said, “Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.” Fear will drown your passion and halt your momentum before any dream has a chance to become reality.  

Even love is letting go of fear (there’s a book by that title). You can achieve power, success, a financial windfall and love if you just put fear aside — at least that's what you'll find in the self-help section and in blogs — but here is a little different view on fear and passion and life.

Living a Passionate Life, Devoid of Fear

Truth be told, I started out intending to write a similar blog post. I interviewed CEOs and COOs, executive vice presidents, regional vice presidents and professional athletes. I talked with two clients I coach on personal development, a practice that focuses largely on escaping the clutches of fear and entering “the zone,” where one can achieve optimal performance. I also interviewed a close friend who to me is an exemplar of living a passionate life, seemingly devoid of fear.

When I was younger, I was fortunate enough to be part of a tightly knit group of best friends. There were five of us and we would dream about what our futures would be like. All but one of us wanted to change the world in our own way, to make it better than the way we found it, to help people and not least of all to be wealthy and successful professionally. But my friend Stan didn't participate in that type of future planning. He said he hoped he had a modest house and had “enough,” and we would laugh at him. 

So I asked Stan recently what he is passionate about and how he handles fear and stress. Although he appears to be devoid of the types of fear-induced neuroses, let's call them, that afflict so many of us, he says he does feel stress related to the things that are important to him. It’s just that his passion isn’t about attaining great wealth and prestige and the accoutrements of success. To him, achievement is measured differently. “I don’t want to be successful the way other people are professionally and I am not jealous of them in any way,” he tells me. “I worry about the people I love being healthy and happy.”

That is his passion — achieving happiness, not striving for the next promotion, because that just brings with it the stress of climbing up the next rung on the ladder, or the fear of falling off, because the higher you climb the more painful the tumble.

I asked, so what exactly do you do with fear — do you just push it aside? “Absolutely not,” he replied. “I put everything in a box and I look at it. I can’t push it aside or it’s going to take on a life of its own. I decide I'm going to do something about it rather than give it more energy than I’m giving myself.” 

In short, what he talked about was not an unrealistic and overwhelming delusion about the harsh realities in the world, but rather a realistic, rational optimism. 

Mindless Optimism vs. Rational Optimism

On the flip side of rational optimism is irrational or mindless optimism. Irrational optimists see the world through rose-tinted glasses, believing that negative experiences are what happen to other people. For example, research has shown that people are irrationally optimistic about an array of health concerns. Smokers underestimate their risk of developing lung cancer compared to other smokers and even nonsmokers. Most of us believe we are less likely than other people to have a heart attack or be involved in a car accident. Such irrational optimism, or what psychologists call the “optimism bias,” can also be found in the problem gambler who is irrationally optimistic about winning. 

Buoyed by mindless optimism, the smoker forgoes medical research and never tries to quit. The career-changer gets his real estate license at the top of the bubble (home prices will never fall!) without doing his homework on market indicators. These people hope for the best and close their eyes to potential threats. And therein lies the danger. Just believing things will get better will not cause them to get better and can prevent us from taking preventive action that might curb the inherent risks. 

Martin Seligman, one of the foremost experts on optimism and the father of positive psychology, implores the need for optimism to be checked by reality testing in these words: “What we want is not blind optimism but flexible optimism — optimism with its eyes open. We must be able to use pessimism’s keen sense of reality when we need it, but without having to dwell in its dark shadows.  Flexible optimism accounts for risk, rather than a Pollyannaish belief that everything will turn out just fine.”

Becoming a Rational Optimist

Being realistic and at the same time positive helps us move forward. We shouldn’t worry about or fear the future, but rather have a plan to deal with things should they not turn out like we hope. And if Plan A doesn’t work, we’ll have Plan B and Plan C at the ready. 

In short, rather than being paralyzed by fear or, on the other end of the spectrum, unwisely pushing  forward while ignoring danger signs, channel my friend Stan, the rational optimist. Combine a positive attitude with an honest appraisal of risk. Don’t simply put fear aside. Look at it, consider its validity, then put it in a box. Think of two or three actions you can take to make things better. Plans A, B and C. In the words of William Arthur Ward: “The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”

I think Stan is dealing with fear optimally, the way we all should no matter what we are striving to achieve. I also believe that Stan stresses about the right things. Health and happiness are what he is passionate about and what he’s focusing on.

And, by the way, others might come to the same conclusion that Stan reached at such an early age about what to concern ourselves with if they knew what Aristotle said about happiness — that it is an end in itself, that all virtue and action aim to happiness: 

“Honor, pleasure, reason, and all other virtues, though chosen partly for themselves are chosen for the sake of the happiness that they will bring us. Happiness, on the other hand, is never chosen for the sake of these, nor indeed as a means to anything else at all.”

Jason Powers, MD, is chief medical officer at Promises Austin drug rehab and The Right Step recovery programs in Texas. He is the pioneer of Positive Recovery, an approach to addiction treatment that helps people discover meaning and purpose in recovery.

In addition to training and experience, the ideal attitude of the therapist toward the client would best be described by the following adjectives: honest, direct, interested, inquisitive, warm, compassionate, non-judgmental, understanding and deeply feeling. In actuality, a person can learn to develop many of these same points of view towards him or herself. People can utilize their personal power and actively contribute to their own growth and development, in essence becoming their own ally.

In this regard it is most important to become aware of the enemy within, the negative thoughts and attitudes that play a significantly destructive part in your life.  These inner voices are directed largely toward the self but may also be directed toward others, particularly one’s partner and loved ones. In either, case they have a destructive effect on oneself.

It is essential to discover what you are telling yourself about yourself and about others. It is necessary to look for the negative ways of thinking that predominate in areas of your life that you feel limited or demoralized. Some of these voices may be assessed directly, whereas others are more hidden or unconscious.  The former are more obvious, like attacking yourself for being fat or stupid, whereas the latter have to be arrived at through the process of deductive reasoning. This involves recognizing parts of your life that make you miserable and conjecturing what your inner voices are telling you on the subject.

Not only is it vital to recognize your destructive voices, but these voices must also be challenged directly and behavior based on the destructive thought process must be replaced with more effective responses. It is significant to recognize that even though there may be elements of truth in what your voices are telling you, the hostile or punitive aspects of the voice must still be found unacceptable. There is absolutely nothing to be gained by attacking yourself; in fact, the process of attacking yourself not only fails to change your behavior for the better but increases the likelihood of it remaining unchanged. The best attitude that you can have is to objectively assess any negative characteristics and work at changing them. In this regard, you would become analytical and try to identify the cause of your negative behavior. In a personal relationship you could take a further step by apologizing for any hurt caused and try to make amends.

The enemy within can be thought of as a negative identity. This negative identity is a byproduct of negative ways you were labeled as a child, the negative attitudes toward yourself that you incorporated from any mistreatment you were exposed to and the defensive strategies that you formed to cope with psychological pain that further bent you out of shape. You mistake the identity that you formed under these circumstances as being the truth and act as though it were. Catching on to this misconception of yourself allows you to challenge and alter this mistaken identity and can help you to become your authentic self. It opens up all sorts of new potentialities for living a better life.

A mature man who was characterized as a shy, withdrawn child acted on this assumption for the better part of his life until he questioned his negative identity. In therapy, he recognized the falseness of this conception, its source and the degree to which he was hurt by this characterization. He began to feel entirely different about himself.  A woman who was hurt in her sexual identity who had spent most of her life feeling sexually inadequate, became aware that this was part of a false identity based on abuses in her family and was able to completely dispel this notion. It changed her feeling and positively affected her sexual experience as well.

The truth is that it is difficult and anxiety provoking to make changes in your negative identity. There is considerable resistance because breaking with old images of oneself and accepting a more positive identity tends to threaten the bond with one’s original family. It disrupts a fantasy connection that once offered safety and security to you as a young child. This process is the primary cause of resistance in therapy.

Nevertheless, progress can be made with courage, insight formation and sustained application. In addition, friends can be allies in this process and provide a valuable support system. When necessary, therapy is available to help develop the new orientation. Adopting a healthy therapeutic attitude can help you become your own close friend. 

Source: Modafinil dot com

News of a brand–new “Limitless pill” is making its way around the Internet. Claiming to “safely improve memory, focus, and mental performance,” the Neuro XR brain–booster has been garnering accolades from intrigued journalists.

It might be unwise to join in the excitement, however. First off, journalists are notoriously poor at weighing evidence and numerical data [6]. But there are additional reasons to be skeptical of claims that promise cognitive enhancement.

Neuro XR purportedly lists its ingredients and suggests some dosage schedules, but much needed information is missing. Some ingredients, like folic acid, are well-known for their benefits (it supports cellular growth and DNA repair). Other ingredients sound more exotic, like DMAE Bitartrate and Gingko Biloba Extract, but these are backed by scientific evidence. There is a catch, however.

Most of the pill’s ingredients are hidden within a 700mg “proprietary formula.” And there is simply not enough of any one ingredient in a capsule Neuro XR to induce the advertised effects. While the supplement may not literally be snake oil, it sure appears to be watered down.

Yet why do testimonials continue to praise Neuro XR? The placebo effect is one possibility that comes to mind. [1] People love the idea of memory–enhancing drugs. We want to believe they will work, and so they do. Years ago Wall St fell in love with modafinil (brand name Provigil), a drug used to treat the life–threatening sleep disorder narcolepsy. In normal people it produces a buzz and level of alertness comparable to cocaine [2]. Compound Huperzine–A once boomed and faded in the investor market. Even common rosemary oil has its evangelists. According to 2008 survey by Nature magazine, 20% of its readers had taken some kind of memory–enhancement drug. And why not if it promises success in a capsule, as it users say?

Claims that “the ingredients in NeuroXR have been clinically proven to increase focus and concentration for more than 5 to 6 hours with little to no side effects” are at best misleading. At worst they can be dangerous. As this latest miracle drug gets promoted across daytime television and the Internet, it is tempting for our tired, tech–boggled brains to jump at the chance for an easy boost. But take note: according to Oxford neuropsychologist Anna-Katharine Brem (also a Neuro XR review co-author) the touted clinical studies have only been conducted in a controlled environment, and usually with a single dose.

No one really knows what effect these drugs may have after years of regular use. Does it keep its edge after that first pill? Is it still effective after ten years of repeated use? Coffee drinkers know first–hand about the dose–dependent and cumulative effects of America’s favorite brain booster, caffeine.

Neurotropic pills are the latest in a long search for ways to boost brainpower. Caffeine, the energizing chemical in coffee, is one of the oldest and most popular. Humans have indulged it for centuries if not millennia. The nicotine in cigarettes was once just as pervasive until it was revealed to be highly addictive and linked to cancer.

In recent decades physicians have hit upon ways to improve cognition in certain conditions. Amphetamine stimulants (Adderal) and methylphenidate (Ritalin) improve mental focus and dampen impulsive behavior typical of ADHD. Acetylcholinesterase inhibitors can enhance cognition in some individuals with Alzheimer’s dementia. These drugs do their job in those who truly need help; they are not meant for healthy brains.

Still, healthy brains continue to search for a wonder pill that will unlock our inner superhero. Can we even find such a blessing?

Fish oil, rich in omega–3 fatty acids and derived from oily fish like sardines, mackerel, herring, and salmon, has been proven to increase brain volume [3] and reduce symptoms of ADHD. Baby boomers might remember taking a daily spoonful of cod liver oil, which years ago was widely used as a source of vitamins A and D. Today fish oil comes in pills and flavored syrups, as well as fish, of course. Unlike Neuro XR and its counterparts, its long–term health effects are fairly well known.

Then there are the “remedies” that cost nothing at all. Moderate exercise measurably improves memory and lifts brain fog [4]. And though many hate to admit it, sleep is arguably the most important “life hack” that increases alertness and mental acuity.[5] It is the body’s favorite biological mechanism to clean out cellular garbage and keep our brains tidy. Sleep flushes away toxic waste while simultaneously picking up beneficial molecules that keep our bodies functioning at their prime.

It’s no wonder that the triad of diet, exercise, and rest are the actual brain–boosters that work.  Ironically, they are also the first practices that are shoved aside when other responsibilities pile up. So while the industry will no doubt continue its quest for a pill–shaped alternative, these simple practices, perfected over millennia, won’t be easy to replace.

                                                           #######

Click here to leave a comment, or to email Dr. Cytowic and receive his low-frequency newsletter and a copy of Digital Distractions: Your Brain on Screens. Follow @Cytowic, check him out at LinkedIn, or at his website, Cytowic.net.

[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-fallible-mind/201201/the-placebo-response-not-in-your-head-in-your-brain

[2] http://nymag.com/news/intelligencer/modafinil-2013-4/

[3] https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-fallible-mind/201401/can-fish-oil-help-preserve-brain-cells

[4] http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/regular-exercise-changes-brain-improv...

[5] http://cytowic.net/sleep-the-clean-up-crew-of-a-dirty-mind/

[6] http://www.nyjournalofbooks.com/book-review/field-guide-lies

What is the face of an eating disorder? Often, we envision a young thin white woman. However, research indicates that people at higher weights—fat people—are at increased risk for eating disorders. And their symptoms typically go unnoticed.

A recent study (Lipson & Sonneville, 2017) examined 9713 students from 12 different colleges and found that body weight was the most consistent predictor of eating disorder symptoms. Students with a BMI in the “overweight” or “obese” range were at the highest risk and students with a BMI in the “underweight” range were surprisingly at the lowest risk. A history of elevated body weight is common in patients seeking eating disorder treatment. A 2015 study by Lebow et al. examined patients seeking treatment for restrictive eating disorders, such as anorexia nervosa, and found that over 36% of patients had a history of BMI above the 85th percentile. And disturbingly, symptoms in these patients are often not diagnosed until later and more severe stages of the illness. A 2013 article by Sim et al. that I wrote about in an earlier post found that eating disorder symptoms in adolescents with a weight history in the “overweight” or “obese” range not only were under-diagnosed, but symptoms were actually encouraged by medical professionals who congratulated these patients for losing weight.

Why are people at higher weights at increased risk of eating disorder symptoms? For one, we live in a culture that villainizes fat. Inhabiting a fat body is seen as a moral failing, evidence of being a subpar human being. Fat people face the scorn of society and are open targets for discrimination and bigotry. It’s no wonder that fat people will try anything possible to lose weight, even if that means engaging in eating disorder behaviors that compromise their health. This is not to say that eating disorder symptoms are the first line of action for people trying to lose weight. More commonly, weight loss efforts start with dieting or “healthy eating,” which gives way to disordered eating.

Eating disorder prevention and intervention efforts are often targeted at people in the “underweight” range while people categorized as “overweight” or “obese” are targeted for weight loss interventions. Fat people are told to diet, even though dieting is one of the strongest predictors for both development of eating disorders and weight gain. Isn't it time we stopped prescribing behaviors to people at higher weights that are diagnosed as eating disorder symptoms in people at lower weights? Food restriction, purging food (either through laxative use, self-induced vomiting, or exercising to compensate for calories consumed), viewing foods as “good” or “bad,” and defining our self-worth based on the numbers on the scale are unhealthy at any weight. We need to recognize these symptoms as what they are—signs of an eating disorder—even when the person who is engaging in them lives in a fat body. 

Dr. Alexis Conason is a clinical psychologist in private practice in New York City specializing in body image and overeating disorders. To learn more about Dr. Conason's practice and mindful eating, please visit www.drconason.com, like her on Facebook, and follow her on Twitter.

Falsehood is easy, truth so difficult.  George Eliot

How confident are you that you can tell when a child is lying?   And what if it was one of your own children?

Though every parent deals with this scenario at some point or other, the question of whether or not a child is telling the truth often comes up in many different settings, whether in a criminal court, in schools, or in juvenile detention centres.  It's also a question that many  professionals, including trial judges, schoolteachers, psychologists, police officers, and family case workers are expected to answer on a regular basis.  But how effective are these supposedly trained professionals in finding the truth?

While research studies have shown that children can begin using  deliberate deception as young as age 3, the ability to recognize that a child is lying or evading the truth is not as easy as you might think.  Much like research looking at how well people can detect lying in adults, most people tend to view themselves as being relatively good at catching lying and often depend on certain cues to decide whether someone  is lying or not.  These cues can include:  inability to meet the questioner's eyes, fidgeting, nervousness, difficulty speaking, or facial expressions reflecting the fear that can lead to lying.   No matter how confident people may be about whether these cues can help identify lying, their  actual  accuracy in catching liars is rarely much higher than chance.   Even for individuals with professional training, such as schoolteachers, psychologists, or child protection workers, the actual track record for detecting deception is far from encouraging.  

In studying lying behaviour in children, researchers  have found that even young children can manage certain kinds of lies (such as denying that a certain event took place) though they are especially prone to "leakage", i.e., verbal or non-verbal cues suggesting that they are not being truthful.  As children become more mature however, their ability to carry off a convincing lie and control leakage becomes much greater.  They also become better at elaborating on earlier lies by providing new details to make the original lie seem more plausible.    Also, given the importance of child testimony in forensic cases, especially when child physical or sexual abuse is suspected, the potential role of adult "coaching" of children who are encouraged to distort the truth has become the focus of numerous studies over the past twenty years.  

A new review article published in the journal Law and Human Behavior examines recent research looking at how effective adults are in detecting lying in children.  Nicholas Scurich of the University of California at Irvine and a team of fellow researchers combined the data from 45 experiments involving 7893 adult judges and 1858 children. In all of these experiments, adult judges were shown videotaped statements of children and were asked to decide whether theyt were making a factual or a dishonest statement.    While most adults had no formal training in detecting lies in children,  twelve experiments specifically involved trained professionals such as classroom teachers, social workers, police officers,  psychologists, and justice system professionals.  

As for the the type of lie being used in the experiments, they fell into one of three categories:

• Explicit coaching - where an adult provides specific details for a child to report as truth (often in the form of a story).
• Implicit coaching -  in which an adult provides a number of story details which a child could use to create a plausible story.
• Self-generated lying -  in which a child is enticed into lying about a specific transgression or something they witnessed. One of the most common research paradigms of this type involves leaving a child alone in a room with an exciting new toy placed behind them at which the child is told not to peek.  On returning to the room, the experimenter then asks whether the child peeked or not.   Most children are unable to resist the temptation to peek and often lie as a result.   In some experiments, children are also asked to guess the name of the toy.   How children respond to questioning about whether they peeked are recorded on videotape so that adult participants can make their own judgment about whether the child was lying or not.

Across all studies, the overall accuracy rate (whether or not adults could tell whether a child was lying) was about 54 percent or slightly better than chance.   This was almost identical to studies looking at how accurate adults were in detecting deception in other adults.  

There also didn't seem to be any significant difference in terms of the type of lie involved.    In other words, adults didn't seem to have any better success in telling whether a child had been coached to lie than if the child had come up with the lie completely spontaneously.   Though professionals did slightly better than untrained adults in terms of distinguishing between truth and lying, the difference wasn't that large (56 percent for professionals vs 54 percent for non-professionals).  

When looking at the age of the children involved, adults tended to be most accurate in detecting lying in very young children and least accurate in detecting lying in older children.   Another consistent finding in the different experiments studied was that there was little real relationship between how confident adults were in their judgment that a child was lying and whether or not that judgment was correct. Though there was a slight positive correlation (0.068), it didn't seem to have any practical significance.  

Since most of these studies dealt with asking children simple yes/no questions and brief interviews of less than a minute, more research is likely needed to explore more effective ways of identifying whether children are telling the truth.   Research also needs to examine what motivates children to lie,  how techniques such as rapport building and reassurance can encourage children to tell the truth when they might otherwise want to lie to escape punishment, and how language and behaviour cues can provide valuable clues on whether they are telling the truth.  

In a real sense, the way adults handle the question of whether a child is lying or not can often influence how willing children are to rely on deception in future, even after they grow into adults.   Children are also keen observers of human nature.   This means that their attitudes toward lying  are frequently shaped by what they see adults or older children say or do, whether we want them to or not.  

All too frequently, the roots of deception go back much further than we are willing to admit.