According to the Pew Research Center, “About 15% of all new marriages in the United States in 2010 were between spouses of a different race or ethnicity… more than double the share in 1980 (6.7%). Among all newlyweds in 2010, 9% of whites, 17% of blacks, 26% of Hispanics and 28% of Asians married out. Looking at all married couples in 2010, regardless of when they married, the share of intermarriages reached an all-time high of 8.4%. In 1980, that share was just 3.2%” The Pew Report (which you can see here: http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2012/02/16/the-rise-of-intermarriage/) implicates that interracial marriages, and associated romantic relationships, are on the rise.

Although new research documents that interracial daters are viewed as more attractive (see my summary here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/adventures-in-dating/201409/i...), readers should be reminded that some states only recently abolished laws banning interracial marriage: Alabama lifted their ban in 2000 (see: http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=3277875).

Racism, both overt and covert, is active in our society; one need only look at recent historical events to see veiled and visible racist commentary in response to Michael Brown and Eric Garner. These varying reactions, along with laws banning interracial marriages in our recent history, suggest that those dating interracially must respond to the racist reactions of others. A recent study by Castle and Bell (2011) describes how interracial couples respond to the disapproval of others for their relationship.

The researchers interviewed 38 interracial daters, composing 19 “Black and White couples.” Participants ranged in age from 19 to 50 years; all were in established relationships. Participants, during interviews, were generally asked about a) how they told family/friends they were dating outside of their race and, b) their own experiences with disapproval for their interracial relationship. Stares and unkind comments were routinely identified, more often from strangers than from friends.

Their analysis initially examined the relationship in general, and then how romantic partners responded to stares and negative comments.

When protecting and managing their own face, the researchers found that participants often described “educating others…Rather than dwell on the offenses of others, interviewees continually turned the focus toward a sense of agency in moving others and the reality in general in a more positive direction.” This education occurred in various ways, including:

1. Educating one’s partner. As the authors explained, “for many couples in this study the White partner had to learn quite a bit about the experiences and perspectives of Black” participants.
2. Educating others. Not surprisingly, participants “unanimously agreed on one thing: The interracial couples did not believe it was wrong to be in an interracial relationship.” Contrarily, they believed that their relationship “could only benefit race relations” and “some of the couples…viewed themselves as actively fighting for racially equality.”
3. Race and place, acknowledging region matters. When discussing the topic of racism, participants indicated that location matters. Participants indicated that “specific parts of the United States were described as more diverse and accepting of interracial couples.”

The study’s participants provided 5 strategies they used when responding to racist looks or comments:

1. Respond to it. Here, romantic partners would respond to the look: some participants smiled when they saw someone staring, others just stared back.
2. Ignore it. Some romantic partners worked to dismiss the stares and comments, and others vowed never to look for them.
3. Get used to it. Alternatively, a “prominent tendency was to accept that they could not easily change the world, so they needed to be comfortable with it.”
4. Rationalize it. Another strategy involved rationalizing the disapproval. That is, “A recurrent trend was for couples to make sense of their relationship in a way that fostered a peaceful resolution to outside disturbances. While the ways that people rationalized the relationship varied, the thought processes reviewed threats to the relationship in ways that ultimately affirmed the value of the relationship.”
5. Reframe it. A final strategy involved reframing the disapproval that they experienced, “wherein couples attempt to minimize face threats and regain cognitive control in an uncomfortable situation.” With this strategy, individuals attempted to make sense of why people were staring, and worked to attribute stares and looks to motives other than racial disapproval. One participant described that looks “could be something totally different…maybe she was just looking cute that night and they were looking at her, and it [race] had nothing to do with it.”

I’ll conclude this research summary with the authors’ conclusions. They wrote: “Learning from their [participants’] stories, it become clear that the work is not yet done. But by doing the work that needs to be done, interracial couples aspire to transform the cultural context in which race relations are understood…” 

Follow me on Twitter @therealdrsean.

Bell, G. C., & Hastings, S. O. (2011). Black and white interracial couples: Managing relational disapproval through facework. The Howard Journal of Communications, 22, 240-259.

Co-author Steve Schlozman

On August 9th, 2014, Michael Brown, an 18-year-old African-American man, was shot to death by on-duty police officer Darren Wilson in Ferguson, Missouri. The case immediately drew national and even international attention.

Just after the shooting, many commentators sought to view the tragedy as part of a larger narrative. The UK’s The Guardian ran a story on August 23rd in which the events in Ferguson were described as part of “a story going back decades.” (http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/aug/24/michael-brow...). In that sense, the shooting recalled for many a lengthy struggle of perceived undue force directed specifically at minorities by American police.

As both peaceful protests and violent riots erupted in Missouri and throughout the United States, Americans were once again left to untangle the complicated history of race, social class, the need for police protection and the question of unfair treatment within our society. Because our justice system also depends on the assumption that people are innocent until proven guilty, the nation waited for nearly five months as a grand jury was convened to determine whether criminal charges against the police office were warranted. On Tuesday, November 25th, that grand jury decided not to indict; Officer Wilson would not be charged with a criminal act.

Almost immediately following this decision, both peaceful and violent protests erupted once again. Throughout the United States, many felt that Officer Wilson was the recipient of preferential treatment. Others felt that he acted solidly in self-defense. Regardless of one’s political or social views, no one was happy about the ensuing destruction that accompanied many of the most violent demonstrations.

Ferguson itself looked like a war zone the day after the grand jury’s decision. There were scorched cars, burnt down buildings, looted shops and the lingering smell of tear gas in the air. It was scary for everyone. I (Steve) saw children in my town center of Belmont, Massachusetts wondering if the images on the TV in the local deli were from Iraq or Afghanistan. A parent tried to clarify, stating that the images were from the United States; the children became confused—was there another war going on? They had been told that the battles were all overseas.

This, of course, led to more questions from the children. If this wasn’t a war, why were people running from “soldiers?” Why were crowds gathering in protest? What were they so upset about? Why was the commentator on the news talking so much about skin color? How close is Ferguson? Will there be soldiers here in Boston, too? As you can imagine, the parent was understandably a bit flummoxed.

In this article, we’re to going to try to help parents discuss these issues with their children.

Remember that the events in Ferguson are complicated and disturbing. There are allegations of racism, of unfair treatment, of undo privilege and of unlawful rioting. The near constant media coverage also accentuates and adds fire to these already powerful reactions. If you just catch a snippet of the news, you might be tempted at any age to believe that we are a woefully racist nation, or that riots are somehow justified. You’ll see imagery that confuses the power of peaceful protests with the destruction of violent demonstrations. You’ll hear compelling cases that Officer Wilson acted completely appropriately or utterly barbarically. And, if you’re a child, you likely won’t know what to believe. You’ll just be bothered.

We’d like to argue that being bothered in this particular set of circumstances makes perfect sense.

Children especially will be troubled by the intensity of emotions and the subsequent violence that, at least on television, seems to be related. We hope to offer some advice on how you might discuss with your children the ways that biases can leak into news broadcasts and affect public opinion. This is, of course, not an easy message, but now more than ever we find that media literacy is absolutely essential for our children. Don’t shy away from the conversation. Make sure that your children feel safe, and then talk with them frankly about recent events, and the multiple ways that the images they see can perhaps be improperly interpreted.

Start simple:

No, we’re not at war.

Yes, those burning buildings are in the United States.

No, I don’t know exactly what happened in the case that triggered the demonstrations, but under no circumstances are violent actions OK in a civilized society.

At the same time, help your child understand that the vast majority of protests were peaceful and controlled. However, the media won’t cover these incidents with the same level of enthusiasm, as they generally opt for the most shocking images. That message alone is an important one for kids to learn early and often.

As a general rule, think developmentally. We say that a lot at The Clay Center, and this guiding principle is especially important for this discussion. A third grader won’t be able to argue the nuances of these events, but a high school student will relish the opportunity. If you use a one-size-fits-all approach to the discussion, you’ll fall prey to the same tactics that many of the media outlets employ—oversimplifying your message when the message itself is immensely complex.

What follows is a developmental primer for how best to discuss these vexing issues:

For all kids, it’s important to start the conversation with open-ended questions before moving to more specific inquires about a particular incident:

• What do you know about the situation in Ferguson? What happened?

• What are you seeing on TV or on your smartphone or tablet?

• How do you understand the demonstrations? Why are so many people gathering in public? What are their concerns?

These questions help to set the stage. We can’t possibly predict what our kids have seen, nor can we make assumptions about how they’ll interpret what they’ve seen. In order to answer your child’s questions, you first need to know what those questions are, and how they may have been modified by media exposure.

After you’ve established what your child knows and understands, it’s a good idea to start with some universal reminders. Kids of all ages need to know a few basic principles about their police officers. This is particularly true for younger, school-aged kids. Here are the basics:

• The police are working on behalf of all of us to keep the peace.

• Their job as law enforcement officials is to prevent violence and uphold the law.

• They do their best to accomplish these difficult tasks in all sorts of situations.

• If you are in danger or need help, you should always go to someone you trust—this could be a parent, a relative, a teacher, a church leader, or a police officer.

In other words, and again this is especially important for younger children, one should feel comfortable trusting the police. No good can come in making a small child frightened of police officers. On the other hand, if you have reason to believe that the police in your town are somehow not safe, convey that message very, very carefully. The vast majority of policemen and women do their jobs well and professionally, and generalizations often do more harm than good.

Teenagers and young adults, however, will demand a more complex discourse. They’re bound to ask difficult and extremely important questions:

Are the police biased?

What role could bias have played in the events in Ferguson, and in the subsequent media coverage?

These are reasonable questions, and if parents don’t take the time to consider them, teens will likely to make assumptions in the absence of thoughtful deliberations. Therefore, with older kids:

• Start, as we said, with open-ended inquiries, and then try to understand the reasoning behind the answers you receive.

• Complicate your teen’s thinking. Ask him or her to consider how hard it is to make split-second decisions in situations that are highly stressful. You might even put your teen in the shoes of the various players in the story. How would he or she react as a police officer? If he or she felt threatened by the police?

• Don’t try to act as if bias does not exist. We all have our biases, and they’re bound to express themselves in both the news and public opinion. Ask your teen what role bias may have played in the events in Ferguson, and in the demonstrations that followed.

The discussion that these questions will generate might be uncomfortable, but they can also be highly rewarding. Teens are itching for this sort of back-and-forth.

In conclusion, there are a number of take-home messages for parents in the wake of the tragedy in Ferguson:

• You know your child best, but you don’t necessarily know what he or she is viewing in the media. Any discussion about the events requires you to know what your child is seeing, and how he or she is responding.

• We need to help our kids feel safe in a world they often see through the eyes of the media.

• For younger children, it’s probably best to turn off the TV, take away the smartphone, and make more stringent efforts to control their digital media input.

• For older kids and young adults, it’s important to watch the news together so a conversation can be held in real time.

• For all kids, it’s important for them to know what to do in an emergency, who they can trust and whom they can turn to if they’re worried or need to ask tough questions.

At the end of the day, there are, of course, multiple forces influencing our kids’ reactions to personal and global events. As parents, teachers, therapists and coaches, we have an important responsibility to help our children respond in reasonable, empathic and objective ways. In a complicated world, the events in Ferguson will be just one of many that need this kind of careful consideration.

 First posted on the MGH Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds. For additional information visit www.mghclaycenter.org

I was at the gym the other week when I noticed one of the trainers wearing a shirt stating, “Strong is the New Skinny.” The trainer seemed to wear the shirt as a message of empowerment, but I read it with fear. Has strong become the new skinny? Have we transferred our societal obsession with thinness to an obsession with fitness?

There has been a backlash against the impossibly thin body ideals portrayed in the media. The covers of celebrity tabloid magazines wonder: is she too thin? But lest we ponder accepting our bodies—and where is the money to be made in that?-- we have been given a new impossible ideal to meet.Thinspo has been replaced with Fitspo. No amount of fitness seems to be too much. Tell a friend you are doing Soulcycle, barre class, and hot yoga all in one afternoon? No one blinks an eye. Crap yourself during Crossfit? That was a good workout. Consume nothing but green juice for a week? Your body needed that cleanse. We are on an endless pursuit of health and we’ll do a whole lot of unhealthy things to get there!

While thin ideals affect primarily women, men are equal targets in the muscle mania. Men’s magazines are filled with images of impossibly buff men with bulging muscles and promises of sexual prowess. They not so subtly imply: you too can have all this, if you take these supplements, try this new exercise routine, and follow this diet. A study by Field et al (2014) found that nearly 18% of boys and young men reported extreme concern with their weight and physique and many were also engaging in potentially unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to attain their ideal physique. These concerns centered on muscularity rather than thinness and were associated with increased risk of frequent binge drinking and drug use. To read more about this study, check out my post here.

When does the pursuit of health cross over into eating disorder territory? Here are a few signs:

• Preoccupation with food and body
• Measuring health by the way your body looks rather than feels
• Comparing your body with others’
• Defining your self-worth based on your body and eating

If you are unsure whether or not you or a loved one has an eating disorder, reach out for professional help. The National Eating Disorder Association offers a free helpline and you can find more information here.

Remember that health can come at a wide range of different body shapes and sizes. Health can be achieved through eating mindfully and engaging in pleasurable fun forms of physical activity. Health is not about pushing yourself past your limit, restriction, or deprivation. Health is about working with your body, not against it. It doesn’t need to be a struggle. 

To learn more about Dr. Conason and mindful eating, please visit www.drconason.com.

Janay Rice, wife of disgraced NFL player Ray Rice, says she refuses to be stuck in that elevator. In a recent interview with Matt Lauer on Today she talked about the domestic abuse incident that seems to have taken over her life lately. Specifically, Janay spoke about the two now infamous security tapes which show Ray beating her in a casino elevator. She admitted that she did not see either video before they were made public, and still refuses to watch the second, more graphic tape because she is not going to allow "the public [to] bring me back there." In addition, during a press conference this past spring, Janay surprised people when she apologized for her “role” in the fight. At the time she said, “I was ready to do anything that was going to help the situation. Help his image. Help obviously his career.”

It’s a given that physical and verbal abuse do not belong in a relationship, yet we see over and over again that people experience it and decide to live with it. From the outside looking in, it is hard to fathom why anyone would stay in a partnership with someone who would hurt them. In the Today interview, Janay also said when talking about what happened, “That’s not him, that’s not us.” The way we see the person and how their partner sees them, in this case, how we view Ray from the outside and the way Janay sees him, are often two completely different pictures. The public focuses on the bad behavior because that is its only point of reference. However, the other person in the relationship knows their partner on other levels, many of which can be loving and caring, so even though they know the behavior they experienced is destructive, they are able to excuse it. They are blinded by love, which is otherwise known as denial.

            Denial is a defense mechanism that everyone has which functions to protect the ego from things that the individual cannot cope with. While it helps save them from pain and anxiety, it requires a substantial amount of energy to keep up. In many cases, there might be overwhelming evidence that something is true, such as the videos, yet the person will continue to deny its existence or truth because it is too difficult to face. That is exactly what happened when Janay told Matt Lauer that what Ray did to her in the elevator is “not him.”

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines denial as a statement saying that something is not true or real. To put it simply, denial is refusing to acknowledge that an event has occurred. The person who is affected basically acts as if what happened isn’t so bad. To take that one step further, denial is when people seem unable to face reality or admit an obvious truth which can appear to other people as an outright refusal to acknowledge something has occurred or is currently occurring.

People live in the land of hope and belief. If the person they love tells them they are sorry, or they will change, they want to believe it. The fact that Janay is not willing to watch the second video, that she is unwilling to view it and wants to forget, is typical of denial. It is too painful to literally see, so the only way to cope is to pretend it didn’t happen and try to look on the bright side.

Sometimes the instigating partner blames the victim for leading him to the anger, for doing something that caused him to become out of control. He might say something like, I got angry because of what you said or did. It isjust as common for the other partner to go along with that, wanting to believe they provoked the situation in the first place. In that way, they can try to believe their partner is not a bad person, that instead they are both responsible and therefore are in it together. That may have been what happened at the spring press conference when Janay said she was sorry for her role in the fight.

Forgetting the bad thing that happened is sometimes the best someone can do. Denial puts hope front and center and allows the hurt person to hold on so they can wait and see if the relationship gets better. Denial keeps possibility alive, and unless or until people are willing to hold onto the pain of their situation so that it can become a catalyst for change, it is hard to break through and give up the wish that things will just get better because that’s what they want. Right now, it seems, that is exactly what Janay is aiming for.

Please tune in to “Let’s Talk Sex” which streams live on HealthyLife.net every last Tuesday of the month at 2 PM EST, 11 AM Pacific. Email your questions dealing with relationships, intimacy, family, and friendships to Dr. Greer at askdrjane@drjanegreer.com

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Thank God we’re in the “holiday” season. Holidays are useful for many things. They provide entertainment, enjoyment, and enlightenment. How vital are holidays? Their importance may be best described by comedian Henny Youngman who stated, “I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up—they have no holidays.”

We love the holidays, so why in the world would we ever blame the holidays for anything? In fact the holidays are rife with blame. Here are 10 reasons that we blame the holidays.

1)     Loneliness: Holidays are associated with getting together with family and friends. As such, they can be painful reminders of poor relationships and are often blamed for feelings of loneliness, isolation, and seclusion. It feels wonderful to be invited to that great party next door; when you are sitting by yourself at home, not so much.

2)     Depression: Typically a time of happiness, celebrations, and goodwill, the holidays can be some of the happiest times of the year. Holidays also spur fond memories from the past which is potentially a marvelous and pleasurable experience. However, we can blame the holidays for reminding us of family members who have passed on, for times long gone by, and for memories that cannot be relived. If you aren’t included in the festivities or invited to the parties, or if you spend your time recollecting the past, you may travel the wrong way on the pleasure meter and find yourself sad, disheartened, and depressed. This is one of the paradoxes regarding the holidays. They are a time for merriment, yet often associated with instigating or aggravating depression.

3)     Eating: Holidays are a time for eating. We binge and partake of all sorts of treats and delicious cuisine. Apparently this must not be a good thing since we blame the holidays for setting us up to put on weight and causing indigestion. Does this sound familiar, “I was doing so well on my diet…until the holidays came along and ruined it for me!” or “Of course I put on weight, it’s the holiday season.”

4)     Lethargy: As we are all well aware, what happens after we are finished with that huge holiday meal? We finish our Thanksgiving turkey and we have an overwhelming desire to take a nap. Why is this? Postprandial somnolence or “food coma”- the feeling of lethargy and fatigue after eating excessive amounts of certain foods. This was felt to occur from redistribution of cerebral blood flow or perhaps of modulation of neurohormonal chemicals acting on sleep centers in the brain, such as high levels of tryptophan. We may not know the precise physiologic reason, but we do know that in the end, the holidays are to blame for our inability to motivate, lack of productivity, and feeling lazy.

5)     Drinking: Holidays are not just a time for eating, they are also a time for drinking. Once again, this can be a wonderful benefit of the holidays, yet it frequently becomes troublesome. Holidays are associated with (in other words, blamed for) binge drinking, “falling off the wagon”, and intoxication. “I was doing so well, until the Holidays came.” The other name for Thanksgiving Eve – Black Wednesday, the unofficial busiest bar night of the year!

6)     Shopping: The holidays are a time for shopping. We shop for clothes, we shop for food, we shop for presents, and we shop for decorations. Why the blame? We stand in line at stores for hours; perhaps even sleeping overnight to get an advantageous place in line. We waste hours upon hours of time. We compete with hundreds or thousands of others at retail stores promoting “Black Friday” holiday deals, often incurring bodily and psychological distress. Every year we read about customers being trampled when doors open. The holidays encourage us to spend more than we can afford. We dip into our savings and are left with financial heartache. What to do? Blame the holidays!

7)     Lack of money: As a direct consequence of all of our spending and shopping, we tend to spend lots of money during, or in preparation for the holidays. According to the National Retail Foundation, celebrants spent an average of $730 each on winter holidays alone. In 2013, Americans spent a little over $600 BILLION on winter holidays! Even Mother’s Day is associated with spending $163 each for a total of almost $20 billion. The holidays are indeed expensive and when we arrive on the other side of the festivals with a financial deficit, blame the holidays.

8)     Stock market: Consumer spending online and in retail stores usually increase during the holidays. People use credit cards excessively during this time and in doing so, run a personal deficit. The US Economy and US stock market depends and relies on this consumer spending. When people are not spending as much on retail in December, the stock market declines blame the holidays. This week the Nasdaq Composite fell for the first time in seven sessions. The reasons given include our inadequate spending on the holidays. As CNBC has stated, “US markets closer lower; lackluster holiday shopping blamed.” You don’t spend enough money on Black Friday, the US stock market loses money, economy slows, blame the holidays. You spend more money on Black Friday, you have no money to pay your bills in January, blame the holidays.

9)     Traveling: Most of us get some time off from work during the holidays and make plans to travel “back home” to spend time with family. Traveling means booking trips, airlines, more spending, more waiting! You don’t like to wait at the airport. Don’t like to fly? Don’t appreciate waiting in traffic jams? Blame the Holidays. While many retail stores do have discounts prior to holidays, this is isn’t true in the travel industry where seats are limited and supply does not always meet demand in terms of availability. Thus, prices often soar and waiting lines become intimidating. Yes, it’s worth it but it’s fraught with trepidation and blame.

10)  Tickets: Not the kind of tickets that you are hoping for. During the holidays there are increased traffic enforcement patrols. Is this your imagination and paranoia speaking? No. Traffic ticket campaigns have brought in about $5 billion per year in the United States. We are driving and rushing to get to that party after shopping or cooking or picking up supplies. Going on summer vacation with the family? Chances of getting a speeding ticket are increased – blame the holidays. Police increase squads to make quotas during holidays.  They are out in full force waiting just for you. Driving out of town to unfamiliar areas also increases our chances of getting tickets for local traffic violations. Not too surprisingly, the holidays are also to blame for an increase in traffic accidents. These mishaps may in fact be due to inattention, distraction, and/or fatigue. However, we know that we wouldn’t have been in those mindsets had it not been for the holidays.

Trying to park somewhere during the holidays? Good luck. With increased holiday traffic, parking is nearly impossible. Wasting time driving around looking for a spot and then paying premium “holiday prices” for parking – blame the holidays.

What other tickets might you be lucky enough to receive? Leaving that party, too much to drink. DUI – drinking under the influence. Why does the number of those tickets increase in December? Is it just the cold weather? Nope. It’s the HOLIDAYS to blame! Between Thanksgiving and New Years is known as “DUI season.” Black Wednesday (Thanksgiving Eve) is not only the busiest bar night of the year, it is also the biggest drunk driving night. As this is occurring during the most traveled holiday period, this is a dangerous combination. Between 2001-2005, there was an average of 36 fatalities per day in the US due to intoxication. This number increased to 45 per day during Christmas and 54 per day during New Year’s. The National Safety Commission blames speeding while sleepy or intoxicated on the number of deaths. Of course, ultimately these people were sleepy or intoxicated because of the holidays!

So, what’s the point of all this blaming?

Each of these blaming points above are excuses that we use for our inability to take control or responsibility for our actions and emotional reactions.

As occurs with any other event that involves us, we have a decision as to how we choose to assess the situation. We can look at the “bright side” in an optimistic fashion, we can look at the “woe is me, side”, pessimistically, or we can simply be mindful of everything going on and try not to assess but to experience and appreciate. Whichever road you choose, realize that it is really your choice. I choose to be a realistically, responsible, optimist.

We are responsible for our thoughts, feelings, emotions, words, actions, and reactions.  Yes, the holidays set up some potentially very challenging situations. And yes, you can blame the holidays for your misfortune…or realize that you can always take control and chart your own course for your holiday adventures.

Have an incredible Holiday Season. Be Safe. Be Well.

Neil

Ahh, the holidays. For many of us regular gratitude-practicers, this extra grateful time of year can seem like a bit like more of the same...Sometimes our gratitude practices can become a bit routine, not quite as juicy as it was when we first started. And research suggests that when a practice starts to become too rote, its benefits start to wear off.

If you need a gratitude challenge this holiday season, here are three ways to take your appreciation to a totally new level.

1. Contemplate your own death. There's nothing like facing death to make us appreciate our lives--and sure enough, research finds that when people visualize their own death in detail, their gratitude increases. You can follow the instructions for thisTibetan death meditation, or simply set aside some time to really reflect on the following questions (which come from Enric Sala via Greg McKeown's blog). Take each question one at a time, and try journaling an answer to each question before moving on to the next one.

What would I do if I only had a week left to live?

What would I do if I only had a month left to live?

What would I do if I only had a year left to live?

What would I do if I only had five years left to live?

What would I do if I only had a life left to live?

2. Throw a gratitude party. One day, in the midst of planning her own 25th birthday, my good friends' daughter Kate realized that her birthday party might not live up to her expectations. She wanted her party to be special, and she wanted to feel celebrated. She wanted the right people to come to the party, and the right food to be served. She wanted good music, and dancing, and for her friends to spontaneously make heartfelt toasts ... to her, about her. And then it hit her: If she kept thinking about herself so darn much, she was bound to feel disappointed. (She might even cry at her own party, as the cliched song goes.) So she radically changed course. Here is the gist of the email I got from her:

Hello my parents' dearest friends! First of all, THANK YOU for befriending my parents! You have given them love, acceptance, and friendship. You've inspired them to grow, and shared your beautiful light with them in a way that has changed their lives (and thus, mine) for the better. Thank you for that, from the very center of my heart.  

I'm writing you because I'm on a mission! As you probably don't know, my 25th birthday is coming up, and rather than going the traditional route and having a blowout party for myself, I'm going to throw a SURPRISE party for my parents.  It'll be a kind of "Thank You for My Birth(day)" party. I cannot wait!

My vision is to surround them with gratitude and love. I'm grateful to them for putting up with me for a quarter century, and so I want to show them in a dramatic way. What does that look like?  

Here's what I imagine: their favorite people showing up with huge smiles. Dancing. Laughter. Sharing of stories. Drinking. Some food (but I'm on a tight budget, so I may have to get creative here). A video of those who couldn't make it. I'm open to your suggestions!

The party was better than anyone ever dreamed--for Kate and her parents, but also for all the guests. Kate gave us all the incredibly powerful gift of extreme gratitude.

3. Don't just think about what you are grateful for, really feel it.  Another extreme form of gratitude is neuropsychologist Rick Hanson's "taking in the good" practice. Here's how to do it:

First, actively think of a positive experience for which you feel grateful. For example, the leaves in my neighborhood look so pretty at this time of year, and I'm grateful to have enjoyed a hike this afternoon among all the fall color.

Next, draw out--really savor--that positive experiences. According to Rick, the key is not just to hold something positive in our awareness for as long as possible, but also to remember the positive emotions that go along with it. The idea, he says, is to "turn positive facts into positive experiences." For example, instead of just thinking "I'm grateful for the fall color," I also reflected on how blissful I felt while outside walking. Thinking like this evokes what was rewarding about a positive event and helps use our brain chemistry to strengthen connections associated with the memory.

Finally, let it all sink in. Take this image--"sinking in"--as if it were literal. Rick invites us to later recall the positive experience--for me, the hike and seeing all the fall color--and feel that experience "entering deeply into your mind and body, like the sun's warmth into a T-shirt, water into a sponge, or a jewel placed in a treasure chest in your heart."

Will you help me brainstorm other ways to practice extreme gratitude during this holiday season? Please take a moment to post your idea in the comments below. This is fun: I'll send you a thank you gift! If you leave your email address on this page, I'll give you a link to a new beautifully designed poster of my happiness manifesto that you can download and print.

IF THIS POST RESONATES WITH YOU, I BET YOU'LL LOVE MY NEW STRESS REDUCTION TELE-SEMINAR!

Please join me for three fun conversations designed to teach simple but critical skills for reducing the stress in our busy lives. I talk with three experts about how to be productive, well-rested, and happy -- even during the busy holiday season. Listen to the classes now!

References:

Frias, Araceli, Philip C. Watkins, Amy C. Webber, and Jeffrey J. Froh. 2011. "Death and Gratitude: Death Reflection Enhances Gratitude." The Journal of Positive Psychology 6 (2) (March): 154-162.

Hanson, Rick. 2009. Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. New Harbinger Publications.

In the world of the psychology of success, GRIT’s hot.  You would be hard pressed to attend a conference on education, parenting, leadership, athletics, performance, or personal success without hearing the word uttered at least once.  More and more it’s a highlighted session or defining theme, making the new frontier of growing GRIT all the more essential. 

So far, the conversation has focused on appreciating and understanding basic grit, or what we’ll call “grit 1.0.”  grit 1.0 is about the degree or quantity of perseverance or persistence, as in “How persistent are you?”, or “”How much grit does she have?” 

The time has come to advance the conversation and upgrade GRIT.

The research my team and I embarked on in the development of the book GRIT, reveals that quality may actually trump quantity.  Enter GRIT 2.0, or simply, GRIT. 

You intuitively grasp the qualitative differences between Bad GRIT and Good GRIT, Dumb GRIT and Smart GRIT. 

Relentlessly going after your goals in ways that are even unintentionally harmful to others, or beating your head to a bloody pulp rather than re-assessing or re-routing your approach may score high on quantity, not so much on quality.  When it comes to upgrading your GRIT, the key is to focus on not just how much, but how.  It turns out that growing both quality and quantity —holistic improvement of GRIT—creates the biggest upside.

The GRIT Progression

Appreciate—Grok—Gauge—Grow

Appreciate—When you consider the level of relentless effort it takes to get anything noteworthy done, it’s easy to value GRIT.  93% of the more than 100,000 people my team and I have surveyed worldwide report getting things done has become tougher, more complex, less clear, more frustrating—murkier and muckier—and it takes longer…all good reasons for GRIT to rise to the top of our consciousness.

Grok—Beyond mere comprehension, to “grok” is to know it at a cellular level, to understand something so completely that it resides inside of you.  I’ve been researching GRIT in dozens of countries for more than 15 years.  But it is over the past few years that our understanding of GRIT has suddenly accelerated and intensified.  As a result, we can now move forward on the GRIT Progression.  GRIT it is something that can be both measured and improved.

Gauge—Our ability to validly and reliably assess grit has evolved dramatically from basic questions for grit 1.0, to more complex, multidimensional analyses that unearth both the quantity and quality of grit, that make up GRIT 2.0.  The GRIT Gauge™, our newest psychometric assessment which we prepared for the new book, for example, measures all dimensions and aspects of GRIT, providing a more in-depth analysis and set of insights.

Grow—Based on direct experience and experimentation with close to one million people across 63 countries, we can confidently say GRIT is something you can permanently upgrade and measurably improve.   Certain specific tools tend to create the most consistent gains. 

Here are five simple starter tips.

As background, it may be useful to know, GRIT is comprised of four dimensions.  Each stands on it’s own statistically and behaviorally.  But when woven together, these four dimensions—Growth, Resilience, Instinct, and Tenacity—forge GRIT 2.0.  Each can be turned into a GRIT Gainer™, or GRIT-enhancing tool. 

 
Growth—Carol Dweck at Stanford is right.  Growth is a mindset.  But, when it comes to GRIT, research reveals it is about more than having a “growth” or “fixed” mindset.  In the world of GRIT, Growth encompasses your propensity to rise above the immediate situation to seek fresh, alternative perspectives, ideas, and insights as a way to improve your approach, expertise, and chances of success. 

GRIT Tip #1: Gritify any goal or plan by asking, “What additional, new, fresh insight/information/input should I/we seek to enhance our current plan and long-term chances of success?”

Resilience—It’s hard to imagine.  But, when I began my research 35 years ago, I literally had to explain, and often spell the term “resilience” with any client or firm with whom I was exploring methods for measuring or enhancing this core element of human endeavor.   To this day, when I ask a group of hundreds of people, “If someone is resilient they…?”  The room-wide response is, “Bounce back!” 

But resilience, especially in the world of GRIT, is about much more than bouncing back.  In our collaborative efforts with Harvard Business School and MIT, we arrived at this definition:  Resilience is your capacity to be strengthened and improved by adversity.  So, the ultimate quest is to become more “Response Able.”  Response Ability is, your ability to respond optimally to whatever happens the moment it strikes. 

GRIT Tip #2: Every time you face any adversity, simply ask, “How can I/we respond more optimally—better and faster—to this adversity?”  Or, “How can we harness this adversity, so we look back and say, ‘Thank goodness this happened, we’d never be where we are now if it hadn’t!’”

Instinct—Think about that person who consistently pursues the wrong goals, or goes after their dreams in less than effective ways.  Over time, that pattern can lead to a tragic life.   That’s why Instinct, your gut level propensity to pursue the right goals in the best possible ways, is so critical to true GRIT. 

Relentlessness is powerful.  Refined relentlessness is unbeatable.  That’s why knowing when to step back, re-assess, and if necessary re-route is key to long-term effort, energy, and success.

GRIT Tip #3: Gritify any effort by simply asking these questions: “Is this still the right goal?  Is this the best possible version of the goal?  If not, how would we refine the goal to make it even more compelling and true?  Is our current plan the best way to get there?  If not, how can we refine and improve our approach to at least increase our chances of success?”

Tenacity—Persistent, unrelenting effort defines what most of us think of when we hear the word, “grit.”  Our research shows that most people who accomplish something truly noteworthy go through a period of perceived zealotry, meaning the people closest to them begin to question their judgment.  Yet it is that one additional, beyond-any-reasonable-expectation effort that creates the breakthroughs the rest of us get to admire and enjoy.

GRIT Tip #4: GRIT-up your pursuits by asking, “If we were to give this one more wholehearted effort, where and how should I/we go for it to most dramatically enhance progress and success?”

G-R-I-T.  This is what True GRIT is all about.  But none of it means a thing, without that thing deep inside you that makes you want to take it on in the first place.  That’s where Tip #5 comes into play. 

Robustness:  The Bonus Factor—One of the hidden factors lurking behind attempting to lead a gritty life is the wear and tear it has upon you over time.  How well you hold up—whether the journey ultimately strengthens or weakens you—is what Robustness is all about.

In the world of materials science, Robustness is defined as “How well a material maintains its ideal state in spite of the unexpected perturbations that may assault it.”  If, for example, you were to build a house in, say, Joplin, Missouri, you would certainly build it to withstand a tornado.  But, what if that primeval fault line deep under that part of the U.S. unleashed its fury with a 7.2 earthquake?  How well your house holds up to that, the unexpected determines how robust it truly is.  

The same is true for us humanoids.  Fortunately, there are a lot of ways to fortify our Robustness, so we have enough of, and ideally our best version of ourselves left to enjoy what we dug deep to achieve.  Here’s one.

GRIT Tip #5—Spring clean your goals, by applying greater GRIT to fewer things.  Re-assess what matters most, and why, and have the courage to focus on the best, shed the rest.

Obviously, these simple tips serve as a basic, but meaningful start—a pocket Swiss army knife you can whip out and employ—to grow your GRIT.

Ultimately, the path to greater GRIT never ends, nor can its potential to fuel a “gritifying” life be overstated.  As my team and I coach people and see them make real strides, the ultimate quest for them, and for all of us, becomes something I call “Optimal GRIT,” demonstrating the Smartest, “Goodest”, Strongest G-R-I-T, in all that you do.   

I. December 1^st, 2014

For my first blog, I guess I should introduce myself. I am Dr. Alice Lazzarini. I am a mother, a genetic counselor, a Clinical Assistant Professor in Neurology at Rutgers-Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, and a neurogenetic researcher. I raised a family while training to be a genetic counselor, and then finished my PhD at the age of 56. My career has included 11 years coordinating a statewide program serving Huntington disease patients and families—New Jersey’s Huntington Disease Family Service Center, contributing to the literature on neurogenetic disorders such as Huntington’s, Restless Legs, the ataxias and Parkinson disease (PD), and ultimately working on the development of a Parkinson’s drug for a large pharmaceutical company. But now, I have been diagnosed with Parkinson disease. On the other side of the white coat I perceive research with a new urgency! Having once contributed to PD research, I now wait, along with the millions of others with Parkinson’s, for someone else to find answers that will help me! 

I will share with you stories from my just released book, Both Sides Now, A Journey From Researcher to Patient: how I went from sheltered childhood to successful career in the male-dominated field of science, how I forged my independence in the face of a disease that portends complete dependency, and how my lifelong fear of birds took on a new perspective when the gene that I helped to discover was found to be responsible for song learning in the male zebra finch.

I hope you’ll post any questions you may have about research breakthroughs that you hear about and I’ll do my best to answer them. Did you see the Siberian Times report of scientists who claim to have a potential cure for PD using a derivative of turpentine (http://bit.ly/1wdAA4d)? I actually found their initial animal studies in some quite reputable journals, so stay tuned for that one….

Praise for Both Sides Now:

“The irony of a pioneering researcher afflicted with the very disease she sought to eradicate mixed with the very human story of a wife and mother struggling to keep her family together makes for riveting reading. Alice Lazzarini’s story inspires as it informs.” Leslie Chambers, President & CEO, American Parkinson Disease Association

Last week, when I sat down to write in response to the situation in Ferguson, I ended up writing much about my own journey of learning about how to engage the topic of race; I wrote more about that than directly about Ferguson. The difference between that first draft and the piece that finally got posted was dramatic. It was made up of feedback from Dave, my editor and supporter, that initially knocked me out completely in its depth and intensity. This was the point at which I turned to Uma and Ya-Ping for support, as well as my colleague and friend Roxy Manning. After about ten rounds of back and forth with some combination or another of all four of them, the piece that is now on the website came into final form.

As much as I like the result, I was left with all that was cut out of the original piece. Although I wholeheartedly agree about taking it out from that piece, I still want to share it. This is what this piece is. If nothing else, for anyone who is like me, I have always had the experience that understanding a process in addition to seeing the results deepens my understanding and increases the chances of integration and personal application. Also, because I want to spell out what I learned as part of my own continuing learning, and in the hopes of supporting others' learning about the very complex questions involved in these topics. Lastly, because I want it known that this learning process is neither easy nor comfortable. The two days of feedback were, at times, excruciating and nonetheless I am in awe, I am grateful, and I found immense beauty and depth along the way.

If you want to cut to the chase, there is guilt-less skipping you can do... straight to the section called Talking about Race with Love. That's where you will find the concrete lessons I have derived, especially about how a group that's engaged in conversations about privilege without signing on to having them, can do so with love. What's before is detailed, and probably of interest only to those specifically committed to engaging with these topics through the lens of the practice of Nonviolent Communication - a focus on human needs, on empathic understanding, and on solutions that work for all.

My own learning about and engagement with the topic was intertwined with my sister Inbal's more active engagement as a diversity trainer for years, when still in her 20s. I owe much of my commitment to doing what I can to transform the landscape of race conversations to our many conversations over the years, starting in the late 80s. As we both became deeply immersed in studying, teaching, and writing about Nonviolent Communication (NVC), it was only natural for us that we would want to bring together these two areas of focus.

In 2001 we formed the original BayNVC Diversity Project, along with Jeyanthy Siva and Nancy Kahn: that was two Israeli sisters, a Sri Lankan woman, and a Black Jewish woman. We put together a series of workshops we named "Connecting across Differences" and later "Engaging Our Differences." We also started bringing these topics to the BayNVC Leadership Program, from its inception in 2002. In 2004, we committed to having a truly diverse group of participants in the 2005 cohort of the program. Nancy Kahn, in particular, left no stone unturned and supported that dream in materializing. This was also the year in which we had a children's program, which made it possible for people to come with their children. That was also the time when Inbal and I started putting on paper our own understanding about power, aiming to create a frame for understanding power, privilege, and relationships across differences from an NVC perspective rooted in an understanding of human needs that allows us to see everyone's full humanity; a commitment to solutions that truly work for everyone; and a path for transcending shaming and punitive responses to injustice. As much excitement as I continue to have about this framework, I know it's hopelessly abstract, at the level of theory and definitions, not at the level of knowing what action to take when. Not even clarity about how to invite others into this frame. Still, it was a major step forward that allowed us to experiment even more systematically.

The conversations we had that year - about power and privilege; about race dynamics; and about the prospect of including children in adult events - were intense. So much was coming forward, that we wanted to take time to digest before our next steps.

In part we wanted this time because of not being fully satisfied with those experiments. I didn't sense that we managed to actually do it: to get people to see, own, and engage with their privilege effectively. Part of what makes these conversations so difficult is that what makes privilege invisible is that the power relationships are not direct - most white people don't have direct and personal authority to directly determine the fate of most people of color, even if collectively they remain in power. In addition, people confuse privilege with attitude, believing, somehow, that if they believe in equality between the races it means that they have "canceled" their privilege as white people, unable to see the deep structures - both material and normative - that keep their privilege intact regardless.

Then Inbal was diagnosed with cancer in 2007, and both of our attention was shifted dramatically, though the topic remained dear to us, and Inbal's last "work"-related meeting, in the spring, only months before her death, was with the current configuration of the Diversity Project team (consisting of four people of color and two white people): Alicia Garcia, Nancy Kahn, Roxy Manning, Kristin Masters, Edmundo Norte, and Marina Smerling. We were still talking about what theoretical frames are most conducive to bringing together the work of decades of experimentation with critical race theory and the NVC frame, all the while aiming to stay in full connection with the present moment and our relationships with each other. This group has been continuing the ongoing effort to identify and name the integrated framework we have been working to create, in our various ways, over the years. The conversations in the Leadership Program continue every year, also contributing to the inquiry. Nothing is as yet "done."

Based on all these experiences, I've been profoundly unsettled about the challenges surrounding conversations about race and privilege, as well as immensely grateful for every bit of clarity and connection that came along the way. One piece of clarity that emerged for me over the years was how different it is to support people in learning about privilege, structural differences, and related topics when they never signed up for such learning. That was, and continues to be, what holds the most appeal to me in terms of moving the big project forward, because I don't see a way to transform race relations when the only people engaged in the conversation are those who are already choosing to do so. Still, for some years I went into paralysis and did, essentially, nothing. Obviously, my ability to do nothing about it is clearly an expression of my own privilege, and I was painfully aware of that, even while not finding a way to make a different choice. It was a combination of having seen so much pain, anguish, and even active resistance in so many conversations about race, in and out of NVC circles, without seeing much new ground happening; not having Inbal's companionship for the "heretical" conversations about race, privilege, and social transformation we were previously having with each other; and having so much of my active available energy go into supporting her all these years.

Caroline Blackwell at the 2013 Ohio training

Then, in May of 2013, I got a big and loving push from Caroline Blackwell. She attended a training of trainers that I co-led with Jeff Brown and Francois Beausoleil in Ohio. She challenged us, in her courageous and loving way, to take the topic seriously by stepping forward, as the only Black woman in the entire group, and leading an evening on the topic of race divisions. It's because of deep conversations with her and a few others following that act that I finally found a way to re-engage. Even while "doing nothing" for years, I had continued to wrestle internally to know how to bring up the topic, how to handle it, what to do, when people were there for other reasons.

After connecting with Caroline, I found the frame, and it fits right in with my overall goals in my teaching. Simply put, none of us, whether white or any other race or ethnicity, can reach full power and step into any kind of leadership without learning how to lead across racial divides. If I want to support people in taking on the system and norms within which we live, it is imperative for me to figure out how to do this task well. I became fully re-committed to bringing conversations about privilege into teaching about "other" topics, especially about leadership. I now see these "involuntary conversations about race" - the ones that no one signed up for intentionally - as the arena within which I want to contribute. Initially, my question was: how can involuntary conversations about race and privilege - those that happen between people who are not coming together to learn about privilege - happen productively, without leaving people depleted and discouraged?

Shortly thereafter I had my first opportunity. While planning a daylong on leadership, my co-trainer expressed concern about my initial design that included the topic of social power (the kind of power that we have by virtue of being members of specific social groups: whites in relation to people of color, men in relation to women, heterosexual people in relation to LGBT, and so on). While affirming a deep interest in the topic, he was reluctant to include it in a day that was only about basics of leadership. Buttressed by my renewed commitment, I knew enough to say that it can only appear beyond basic for a person with white privilege. For anyone without that privilege, it's the daily experience. I felt strengthened by Caroline's presence in my heart, able to be firm and reassuring at the same time. We concluded that I would be the one leading that particular segment. For a one-day, for the number of people in the room and the small number of people of color, and based on the feedback we received, I was pleased. I felt ready to take on a bigger challenge - bringing these conversations to the Leveraging Your Influence retreats in the East Coast.

And so it was that last April I took it upon myself to design some way of bringing up the topic at the Leveraging Your Influence retreat. My ambition was very large, way beyond my capacity, I now know, given that the level of stress and challenge in my life was growing because of having progressively more involvement with my sister's life, and caring for her during her illness, both materially and emotionally.

Enter Uma Lo, member of the design team for the retreat, and Ya-Ping Douglas, participant at the retreat, and a veteran of much research and learning in this area. They noticed the flaws in my design, and persisted and persisted in staying with it over the course of many more months during which my availability was diminishing rapidly as my sister took her final journey and in the deep anguish of the months since. I am honored to know they consider me a friend despite the great difficulties that they had to go through for all of us to break through to a place of deep partnership in cracking this nut.

Rather than getting into what fell apart last April that Uma and Ya-Ping and I worked so hard to come to alignment about, I want to focus on what I have learned as a result of it and of our more recent attempt to bring these conversations to the Leveraging Your Influence retreats.

I want to start with a caveat, a serious one. Some people might not even be up for writing at the stage that I, we, are. We haven't actually "figured it all out." We only learned some deep and useful lessons, and are ready to continue on the grand path. Indeed, I am almost tempted to wait. And I am choosing to write anyway because it's only privilege that makes it possible for me to wait until it's perfect, and I want to take on the potential comments, criticism, even ridicule (that's my little self speaking) that might come my way by exposing an incomplete recipe. Just the possibility that there might be something here that would help some people, anywhere, is enough for me to be willing.

The lessons boil down to three. The questions that remain are many.

My own personal biggest lesson was so simple that I am still astonished that I never saw it before. Astonished, and sadly not surprised, because it is, always, part of privilege that we who have it cannot see it.

What I wasn't seeing is that the very structure of having a particular topic, and teaching it in particular ways, reinforces the existing patterns of privilege. Within that structure, those whose experiences fit gain more. Those who are challenged to be in a setting that is mostly white, where their ongoing challenges are rendered invisible and named obsolete, have such a high bar to cross to be able to bring their experiences to the foreground, to make their struggle visible, to become central, to belong, to contribute, to be acknowledged and respected. Phew, even writing this I get heartsick.

What's the alternative? How to honor the variety of topics that I want to cover during a workshop or retreat and still make it possible for privilege to continually be exposed, named, challenged, engaged with, transformed? How to make it clear to people that a certain workshop or retreat is designed to be a place where such conversations are welcomed, always, regardless of topic, without turning off those who have never looked at their privilege and may not be ready to do so?

Like I said, not many answers. I only know what we did and how it affected us - me, Uma, Ya-Ping, and the other participants.

We made an agreement, a simple and radical agreement, that explicitly invited anyone, at any time, to raise any incident in which they saw or experienced something that seemed like a reinforcement of existing privilege in society.

I assess the result to be massive learning for most of us, growing willingness on the part of Uma and Ya-Ping, the only women of color at the retreat, to engage and participate and continue to work with me on future design, and a sense of deepening community within the group. It came from knowing that we could open up these topics and not lose each other.

There was also cost, because some of the topics initially designed for the retreat were only partially covered, and some of the people, especially those who came great distances, even across oceans, to take part in this program, were dissatisfied with the loss.

I hope to be able to come back in the future, after gathering more of these agreements and experiences, and shed more light on how to attend to the multiple needs.

One other thing that became dramatically clear to me, more so than ever, is how much my position as an immigrant serves to make my leadership in this area easier. While I definitely have white privilege, the basic access to resources that a visibly white skin provides, I don't have access to belonging within US white culture. In part, this is because I am a Jew, which limits that club membership considerably (see an old and still fresh article by Paul Kivel on the topic: I'm not White, I'm Jewish. But I'm White).

In part, it's because I came to this country as an adult, and I wasn't raised with the categories of thinking, perception, and sensibility that white people are. It's much easier for me to notice privilege, because I am not of it even though I have it. This makes me, and all other white immigrants to this country, strong candidates for taking leadership in this area. This is how I can use my dual privilege - access to resources as a white person, and the outside privilege of not being from here - to contribute.

This, then, is the context from which I emerged, ready, despite fear inside me, to take on writing in response to Ferguson. I still fell on my face, several times, and it was, as I said, with much support from Uma and Ya-Ping in particular, that I was able to find frames for articulating my thoughts about privilege. One of the core mistakes I made at the previous retreat in April was that I was so deeply focused on finding ways to speak about race without creating defensiveness in white people (an aim which I believe was indeed accomplished!), that I didn't dedicate sufficient energy to thinking about what it would be like for people of color to be in the room, and didn't connect with them directly to check or offer alternatives.

With the new agreement that we came up with at the last retreat, I have so much more confidence that we can proceed in a way that has a chance of working for everyone even while not being comfortable for anyone. This is as good a moment to acknowledge Victor Lewis as any. Over the years of knowing each other, starting in 1989, we've had any number of exciting and uplifting conversations about the topic. Victor is the one who taught me that there is no way to attend to this topic without discomfort for everyone, whites as well as people of color. This is a conversation that can only proceed if all of us are challenged.

Part of the great difficulty that I have had, for decades now, with the way I have seen this topic being addressed, all too often, is that I don't find sufficient love there. I didn't and don't want to replicate these models. I've wanted, instead, to find ways of bringing clarity and openness to this topic, support learning, dialogue, deep exploration, and transformation, both structural and personal. I have seen the absence of love block communication, make learning less likely, and alienate way too many people. I have seen white people who call themselves allies of people of color, and who appear to me to be carrying loads of shame and guilt, a "have to" energy about their activism. I've wanted to find ways of getting those of us with privilege to recognize and own it without defensiveness or shame, because defensiveness and shame are not fertile soil for learning and transformation. What I so want to see is a tender kind of love that allows us to see and understand the humanity and heart of those of us who may continue to take action without awareness of privilege or choice about it. This is the only path forward I personally trust to reliably support us in becoming loving stewards of the resources given to us by the history of racism.

This is one of the reasons why I am so happy about what happened with the agreement we made at the retreat. One of the key things that made it possible to benefit so much from this agreement to surface the issues was that almost all of us present committed to meeting all of it with love for all. This was a foolproof agreement. Each of us agreed to aim to bring things up with love. Also, if someone brought something up without sufficient love, then whoever would bring that to their attention would do it with love. And if they didn't, then the person who noticed that would speak about it with love. Or the next one. Or the next one. We had enough trust that enough of us wanted the love present to embark on this with confidence of not shaming anyone. I think this was the magic, the glue, the lubricator. This is why I feel elated about the experiment and so eager and curious to see how we can improve it.

Love, truth, and courage are the building blocks of nonviolence as I understand it. If I want a truly and deeply nonviolent response to social divisions in our midst, I know that love must be an integral part of it; truth and courage alone will not suffice.

For this reason, I end with a quote from friend and author Aurora Levins Morales. As a child, she was tortured by adults in Puerto Rico, and, being a politicized girl, found a way not to hate them, so as not to become like them. Here are her words, from her deeply moving and rich book Medicine Stories:

Either we are committed to making a world in which all people are of value, everyone redeemable, or we surrender to the idea that some of us are truly better and more deserving of life than others, and once we open the door to that possibility, we cannot control it. ... If we agree to accept limits on who is included in humanity, then we will become more and more like those we oppose.

Kids need to experience the consequences of their actions. Consequences help to improve judgment and facilitate learning, thereby increasing kids’ ability to act autonomously.  Kids who don’t experience the consequences of their actions are insulated from critical learning experiences.

So, how should parents use consequences in order to facilitate learning?

Natural consequences are often the best teachers--like getting wet feet from wearing flip-flops instead of rain boots--but sometimes the situation we find ourselves in with our kids requires us to step in and do something (for example, kicking the seat in front of them on an airplane, or speaking disrespectfully).

Consequences should be:

1. Meaningful (something important to the child, such as favorite toys, clothes, or activities);

2. Relevant (related to the situation, if possible); and

3. Proportionate to the offense (the more important the rule broken, the more serious the consequence).

Consequences should never be related to your child’s fundamental needs, such as food, shelter, or your love.

It’s also vitally important that parents consistently follow-through on consequences they have communicated to kids. Without consistency, consequences are little more than threats.  If kids perceive that you only sometimes enforce the rules, they are likely to keep testing.

How consequences are given is also important: consequences should be communicated and enforced in a calm and matter-of-fact way. The goal of consequences is not to punish, but to facilitate learning.

© 2014, Erica Reischer, Ph.D.

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Dr. Erica Reischer is the author of "What Great Parents Do:  The small Book of BIG Parenting Ideas" (forthcoming, Tarcher/Penguin Random House)

Humans throughout the ages have realized that physical activity leads to creative thinking, new ideas, innovation, and optimum cognitive function. Modern neuroscience has confirmed that moving your body boosts brain power. On the flip side, being physically inactive drains your brain power. This is a universal and timeless phenomenon for people of all ages.

We are no different from our human ancestors. Our bodies are designed to move every day. Unfortunately, our bodies and minds may be short-circuiting in a digital age that by its very nature promotes a lack of daily physical activity. 

The ancient Greeks understood the link between regular physical activity, learning, memory and optimizing cognitive function. Based on the principle of maintaining a Sound Mind in a Sound Body, Aristotle founded the famous Peripatetic School where teaching took place while walking on pathways around the Lyceum. 

Steve Jobs was famous for holding important business meetings while walking because he knew that when the body is in motion the mind does its best thinking. This is true for all of us.

Modern Neuroscience Confirms that Physical Activity Boosts Brain Power at Any Age

Researchers at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign are doing cutting edge brain research on the cognitive benefits of physical activity and aerobic fitness throughout the human lifespan.  

Their most recent study from November 2014, “The Importance of Physical Activity and Aerobic Fitness for Cognitive Control and Memory in Children,” was published in Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development.

The researchers of this article included: Laura Chaddock-Heyman,Charles H.Hillman, Neal J.Cohen,and Arthur F.Kramer.  

I had a lively discussion with Laura Chaddock-Heyman this afternoon about their new study. In summing up the research she said, "Our work suggests that aerobic fitness and physical activity play a key role in brain and cognitive health during development. We hope our research will encourage children to get moving!" I hope so, too.

The Statistics of Inactivity Are Alarming

Over the past thirty years, children have gradually started moving less and less every decade. As the father of a 7-year-old, this issue is personal to me and my family. I am on a crusade to turn the national epidemic of inactivity around.

In 2012, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that only 30 percent of children attended a school in which they were offered physical education daily. The majority of students in the United States of America do not engage in any form of planned physical activity during the school week.

Currently, the  U.S. Department of Health and Human Services guidelines call for children to have a minimum of 60 minutes of intermittent physical activity per day. The majority of the 55.5 million American students currently in pre-K  to 12th grade do not engage in any form of planned physical activity during the school week.

Double-Whammy: Forcing a Child to Sit Still All Day Studying for a Test Can Lower Scores

Ironically, the findings of this study indicate that the growing emphasis being put on achieving high scores on standardized tests by not giving students a break to exercise may actually be leading to decreased academic performance.

Across the board, children who are physically fit tend to outperform their less-active peers on cognitive tests of achievement. The researchers found that when compared to their less-fit peers, children who are physically active have larger gray matter brain volumes in the basal ganglia and hippocampus.These brain areas are specifically associated with cognitive control and memory. 

Previous research by the team at University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign found that physical activity increases the structure and function of white matter in the brain. White matter helps the gray matter of various brain regions communicate more fluidly and efficiently.

Other conclusions of this November 2014 study included: 

• Physically active children have increased concentration and enhanced attention spans when compared to their less active peers.

• Fitness is related to the ability to inhibit attention to competing stimuli during a task.

• Regular physical activity helps children stay focused and persevere to complete an assignment.

• The authors also conclude that regular physical activity can be a non-pharmaceutical intervention for children with ADHD, as well as children with autism spectrum disorders (ASD).

In a press release, Dr. Charles Hillman, professor of kinesiology and community health at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and lead author on the current Monographs issue said,

"These results point to the important potential of approaches focusing on physical activity for strengthening children's brain health and educational attainment. It is important for state governments and school administrators to consider this evidence and promote physical activity in the school setting, which is where children spend much of their time."

Conclusion: Small Doses of Physical Activity Pay Huge Dividends at Any Age

An October 2014 study from the Université de Montréal found that you don’t need to follow a specific training program or be training for marathons or triathlons to improve your cognitive function through physical activity. A little bit of exercise goes a long way.

Researchers around the globe agree that the the most important thing for people of all ages to do is move their bodies a little bit everyday and make a commitment to avoid a lifestyle of sedentarism. A small amount of physical activity every day is always going to be better than nothing regardless of how young or old you are.

I have written many blog posts about the neuroscience of why physical activity improves cognitive function and boosts brainpower throughout the human lifespan.

If you'd like to read more on this topic, check out my Psychology Today blog posts:

• "Why Is Physical Activity So Good For Your Brain?" 
• "Physically Fit Children Have Enhanced Brain Powers"
• "Where Do the Children Play in 2014?"
• "Physical Activity Improves Cognitive Function"
• "What Daily Habit Can Boost “Healthy Aging” Odds Sevenfold?”
• "Five Lifestyle Choices That Will Help You Live Longer"
• "Why Does Aerobic Activity Improve Cognitive Function?
• "Can Physical Activities Improve Fluid Intelligence?"
• "The Neuroscience of Madonna's Enduring Success" 
• "I Want to Make You Want to Sweat"
• “Irisin: The “Exercise Hormone” has Powerful Health Benefits”
• “The Brain Drain of Inactivity”
• "Physical Activity Boosts Brain Power"
• "One More Reason to Unplug Your Television"

Follow me on Twitter @ckbergland for updates on The Athlete’s Way blog posts.

Photo Credits: 

• Pixabay
• Flickr

A few days ago Carnegie Mellon University imaging expert Marcel Just published a very interesting study with the heady title, Identifying Autism from Neural Representations of Social Interactions: Neurocognitive Markers of Autism.

A simpler title would be, How Brain Scans Recognize Autism, and How Scans Identify Common Emotions. 

Look here for the actual study, which is available to the public at no charge:

http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pon...

In this study, Dr. Just put 34 young adults in a sophisticated scanner and asked them to imagine the verbs compliment, insult, adore, hate, hug, kick, encourage, and humiliate.  He asked them to consider the verbs from the perspective of applying them to another, and of feeling that about themselves.

Half the subjects were on the autism spectrum, the other half were not.  They were generally matched for age (mid-20s), IQ (bit above average), handedness, and other factors. 

As they held those thoughts in their minds, he created a three-dimensional map of activity in their brains.  When rendered as 3-D color imagery, the result was a set of visual patterns that represented particular words and their associated emotions.

The findings were remarkable, to say the least.  When you look at the images printed in the article, they look very similar.  But a computer analysis that broke the brain down into tens of thousands of little cubes called voxels told a very different story.

Dr. Just was able to separate the autistic from the non-autistic subjects just by comparing their responses to the verbs.  The autistic people did not show much activation of the areas we’d associate with emotional response to the words. Yet they showed the same activation as the others to the logical meaning.  At least that what he thinks, given the current understanding of the function of the different brain regions.  What he knows for sure is that the autistic and non-autistic activations patterns differed in a consistent way.

Dr. Just suggests the autistic subjects responded as if they were “observing the emotions from outside a window” which is essentially how Temple Grandin and others have described their own emotional responses.  I’ve written similar descriptions as well.

He cautions us that this study only included 34 subjects, and a much larger study would be needed to draw population-wide conclusions.  With that caveat . . .

This study promises to point the way to a non-invasive tool that can distinguish autistic brains through a brief session in an fMRI scanner.  That alone would be a major breakthrough. 

But there’s more . . . 

Temple and many others have written about our autistic sense of “looking in at the world from outside,” and feeling like “an anthropologist on Mars.”  For the first time, Dr. Just has shown a biological foundation for that feeling.  And not just that . . . he has shown that a group of autistic people responded to those verbs in essentially the same manner. 

I’d like to clarify one thing the study DOES NOT say.  Dr. Just is not suggesting that the autistic people have any more or less ability to feel emotions, or to respond, than anyone else.  Rather, he is showing that autistic and neurotypical people respond very differently when told to, “Imagine that you are insulted!”

I’ve written at length about that very thing from the perspective of life experience, and I am just staggered to read his exploration of the underlying biological foundation – the voxels of the brain 

And the final thing, which some of you will find chilling . .  

Dr Just has shown that he can read emotions from patterns of activated voxels in those 3-D brain maps.  He can look at a pattern and tell you which of the verbs (emotions) the subject was imagining or feeling at that moment.

The day of wordless conversation between computers and us is coming fast . . .

 There is really a lot to think about in this study. This is a brilliant piece of work, and it’s freely available. I encourage you to read it, think through what it may mean, and share your thoughts.  In my opinion, this is a very big deal. 

Disclaimer:  I know Dr. Just, and have visited his lab on several occasions. I have discussed this study and others with him outside of the article cited. I'm a strong supporter of his work, and of other work like this, because I believe it can lead to better understanding and ultimately better supports for people on the spectrum. That said, I think the study speaks for itself and my personal connection just made it all the more meaningful to me.  I have no other association with Dr. Just and his lab or university.

John Elder Robison is an autistic adult and advocate for people with neurological differences.  He's the author of Look Me in the Eye, Be Different, Raising Cubby, and the forthcoming Switched On. He serves on the Interagency Autism Coordinating Committee of the US Dept of Healthand Human Services and many other autism-related boards. He's co-founder of the TCS Auto Program (A school for teens with developmental challenges) and he’s Neurodiversity Scholar in Residence at the College of William & Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia.  The opinions expressed here are his own.

It’s one of the elusive Holy Grails of management: How do I consistently motivate employees to “go the extra mile” for me? How do I get employees to give 110% when studies routinely show the vast majority of them are disengaged – not emotionally committed to the companies they work for.

Thus, I took notice when that very question was asked in a recent employee survey I was reviewing. The survey, The 7 Key Trends Impacting Today’s Workplace, was conducted by the employee engagement firm TINYpulse, and involved over 200,000 employees in more than 500 organizations.

As the survey title suggests, the research explored a number of different management topics (culture, recognition, growth opportunities, etc.), but the issue that most interested me was the one surrounding motivation, as getting employees to give maximum effort is a challenge that has bedeviled managers for, well, as long as there have been managers.

The specific question the survey asked was: “What motivates you to excel and go the extra mile at your organization?” Employees could choose from 10 answers. Interestingly, money – often simply assumed to be the major motivator – was seventh on the list, well back in the pack. The results were as follows:

- Camaraderie, peer motivation (20%)

- Intrinsic desire to a good job (17%)

- Feeling encouraged and recognized (13%)

- Having a real impact (10%)

- Growing professionally (8%)

- Meeting client/customer needs (8%)

- Money and benefits (7%)

- Positive supervisor/senior management (4%)

- Believe in the company/product (4%)

- Other (9%)

Corporate culture counts– What to make of these results? I admit I was initially surprised by the high ranking of “camaraderie/peer motivation” and the low ranking of “money.” But if you look more closely at the research and the questions, reasonable patterns and explanations emerge.

First, this isn’t a survey of senior management, where compensation is high and frequently a major motivational driver. This research cuts across a wide swath of employees at all organizational levels. Second, if you consider several of the top responses in addition to “camaraderie” – for example, “feeling encouraged and recognized,” “having a real impact” and “growing professionally,” they describe the level of positive feelings employees have about working in a particular environment – in short, their attitude toward their corporate culture. Is it encouraging and supportive? Does it foster growth? Do they feel they can make a difference? So even though “positive supervisor/senior management” was seemingly very low on the response list (at only 4%), it is after all management that plays the crucial role in shaping a company’s culture.

Regarding the overarching importance of camaraderie and culture, the report accompanying the survey noted, “Given the major role that peers play in motivating each other, it’s up to hiring managers to focus not just on a candidate’s skill but also on his or her cultural fit within the organization. When it comes time to interview a candidate, make sure to see if they:

- Engage in open communication

- Thrive in a collaborative environment

- Handle pressure with grace

- Share praise and accept accountability.”

The report went on to conclude, “Organizations must start intentionally finding high performing and high culture fit employees. Further, organizations must be ruthless when it comes to rejecting individuals who aren’t a great fit. Even if they come across as a high performer, they can wreak havoc on the positive, collaborative culture you need to create.”

All good solid management counsel. You’ll won’t go wrong building a positive collaborative culture and selecting people who will work well within it.

Just as a point of interest, however, I should add that back when I was an employee I wouldn’t have been in the majority here. Had I been responding to this survey, truth be told, I would have answered “Money and benefits.”

But that after all is the great value of surveys: You gain insight not just into what you think, but into what large numbers of other people do.

In this instance it shows that when it comes to “going the extra mile,” the overall cultural environment plays a key role in determining how far and fast people will run.

This article first appeared at Forbes.com.

* * *

Follow Victor on Forbes, Facebook or Twitter.

Guest writer E. Paul Zehr is the author of several books (Becoming Batman, Inventing Iron Man, and Project Superhero) that all look at the reality of how a person can become a larger than life hero. Professor, author, and martial artist at the University of Victoria, Dr. Zehr is passionate about the popularization of science using superheroes as foils for human achievement and ability. You can read more of his posts on his own Psychology Today blog, "Black Belt Brain."

Superheroes, heroes, and real life can inspire us all.

I am a neuroscientist with a passion for communicating science. I’m involved in many public communication activities helping to put science in the hands of those who need it most—which is every single one of us—and I use superheroes to do it. As a scientist, I cannot shake the weight of the words of Carl Sagan (1934 –1996) who wrote that “. . . almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster . . . sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces”. A clearer call for superheroic intervention there could not be!

My first two books Becoming Batman (2008) and Inventing Iron Man (2011) were aimed at a general adult audience with no particular science training. The approach I took in these books was to explore the science of the human body through the lens afforded by those heroes. The skills and abilities of Batman, Iron Man, and Batgirl are fantastic for underlining the marvels of physiology, neuroscience, and biomedical engineering. Superheroes are fantastic for showing us the extremes to which many of our abilities can be taken, and of course also showing us where they cannot go.

A few years ago I started to think about writing specifically for a younger age group—and for girls in particular. So, in my latest book Project Superhero I use Batgirl as an inspirational figure for my female protagonist, 13-year-old Jessie. This is my first book that directly combines fiction and non-fiction. In thinking about how to translate my approach to a younger age group I spent more time reflecting on what superheroes represent in our culture as seen through Jessie’s eyes.

The societal concept of superheroes has really been around forever. I think the inspiring role that superheroes can play goes right back to antiquity. Icarus, Mercury, Prometheus, Thor, Odin, Hercules, and so many other mythological characters served as figures to inspire by their strengths and to guide by their weaknesses.

Superheroes continue to appeal and attract us real and mortal humans in that we can use the fantasy of the superhero as inspiration to free ourselves from the many false limitations we all acquire as we move through our lives. These limitations weigh us down, constrain our actions and prevent us from achieving more. They prevent us from being all we could truly become—from finding our inner superhero.

As Jessie tells us in her diary entries over the course of her Grade 8 year in Project Superhero, we are always capable of doing more than we think. In our daily lives we have to only put some superhero lessons learned into play and refuse to be limited by fear of failure. Jessie begins to appreciate the link between the ideal of the superhero and the reality of heroism—heroes run towards danger. It truly is inspiring to recognize that real heroes get through uncomfortable scenarios precisely because they know in advance that it will be difficult but they do it anyway.

Jessie and I learned a lot about the relationships between superheroes, heroes, and achievement from all those interviews with real-life people. Her “Top 10 list of things she learned” resonates with all of us:

• “I don’t think you have to have superpowers to achieve amazing things; we can all do amazing things if we believe in ourselves!” —Jessica Watson, at age 16 sailed solo, nonstop, and unassisted around the world;
• “Do you ever defeat fears or do you just get used to them?? Well, I guess a little of both. There is no substitute for training and the other side of that is there is really no substitute for actually doing.” —Mike Bruen, retired NYPD Sergeant at Ground Zero for 9/11;
• “I have a real live superhero and that is my mom. She is superhuman to me!” —Clara Hughes, Olympic medalist in summer and winter games;
• “You should never go to a place of ‘a girl wouldn’t say that!’ Anyone, of any race, of any sex, can do or say anything. How they behave is based on their past experiences and their current sense of self.” —Bryan Q. Miller, writer for Smallville and Batgirl;
• “What’s best for us is who we are. Each of our challenges is unique and we are uniquely qualified to live our lives our ‘best.’”—Kelly Sue DeConnick, writer for Captain Marvel and Avengers Assemble;
• “I believe that you should always go after your dreams, no matter how high or how hard they seem—that just makes you try harder!”—Hayley Wickenheiser, Olympic gold medalist and World Champion;
• “Today I look around and I see many real women superheroes! I hope we keep adding more and more women to our list of superheroes.”—Yuriko Romer, documentary film maker;
• “We have to trust ourselves.” —Christie Nicholson, journalist.
• “We did so much training so we could respond to things we could control if something did happen”—Nicole Stott, NASA astronaut who spent more than 3 months on the International Space Station and sent the first tweet from space;

At the end of Jessie’s “Top 10 List of Things I Learned”, she concludes there really is a superhero in all of us. It is up to each of us—regardless of our age—to find that spirit of Batgirl, that inkling of Iron Man, or that bit of Batman we all have inside and put it to good use.

E. Paul Zehr © 2014

Aaron was preparing to negotiate with his colleague about division of labor on their new project. He was feeling uncomfortable about engaging in this conversation as he was resentful of feeling taken advantage of in the past. As he paced back and forth he imagined his colleague Joel pushing back when he expressed his concerns and Aaron did not know how to respond. He felt silenced and frustrated. This is not the type of working environment in which he can thrive.

Aaron decided to work with a coach who could help him prepare to get what he needs and wants from this negotiation. For the first assignment the coach asked him to imagine a different future.

• What do you want your relationship with Joel to be? What would it look like?

• What would he be doing? What would you be doing?

This clarification might take time and may be difficult to articulate. This is where the coach can be useful in guiding Aaron. It is one thing to say we want something different, but to be clear about the actual behaviors and communication necessary for this change takes the relationship to a new level closer to realizing the shift. The more specific we can be the better chance we have of being able to implement these modifications to our communication and behavior.

Aaron’s answer may be:

"I want my relationship with Joel to be smoother. This means that there is a willingness and motivation between us so we want to collaborate and support each other in completing our shared assignments. It would be noticeable because one of us would initiate the conversation about working together and the other person would be positively responsive. We would set meeting times that are mutually suitable, we would both come prepared and we would reach agreement."

After this clarification is made the next step would be to name what would need to be done in order to actualize this happening. The coach could ask Aaron,

"What would you need to do differently in order to:

• Initiate a different type of conversation?

• Respond differently to Joel?

toward developing a better quality, sustainable relationship?"

Here is where the knowledge and skill development opportunities are defined (not the framing of knowledge and skill gaps!) and strategies for how to develop them are specified. Aaron has a plan for how to improve his negotiation and relationship with Joel for an improved working environment.

An example of this could be:

"I am not very confident in approaching him because I am not sure he will be receptive to this gesture. Therefore, I need to develop an opening that is engaging and appropriately addressing potential resistance from him. Preparing and practicing this in advance will help me to internalize it and feel more comfortable in the moment. If he is resistant, instead of pushing my ideas on him, I will counter with a question that will open him up and show my eagerness to understand, rather than try to defend myself or counter his comment with my own aggressiveness in return."

The way Aaron is now planning on engaging with Joel is different from what he had done in the past, and will potentially be a cultural shift in how they "do business." It will influence the nature of their working relationship and change the work environment from being uncomfortable to one in which they can both perform better.

References

Moore, C. W. and Woodrow, P. J. (2010) Handbook of global and multicultural negotiation. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Pearce, W. B. (2007). Making social worlds: A communication perspective. Malden, MA: Blackwell.

Wheeler, M. (2013). The art of negotiation: How to improvise agreement in a chaotic world. New York: Simon & Schuster.

One moment you’re feeling strong. You’re fine without your ex — more than fine! You look forward to enjoying your freedom and whatever’s coming down the path next.

But then, a minute or a day later, there’s that excruciatingly painful, needy, longing feeling of wanting to be back in their arms.

The sooner you make it final, the sooner you can heal.

Here are some ideas on how to stay strong — and stay away — when you’re tempted to get back together with your ex.

1. Acknowledge the loss.

You were together for a reason. You had something: a special connection, a shared passion, sense of humor, memories, friends. There’s always a loss when a romantic relationship ends, and it’s appropriate to honor it. Friends or family may tell you, “He was a total jerk,” or “You’re better off without her.” They’re trying to help you feel better by changing your perspective on your former partner. But they aren’t experiencing the loss the way you are. Go ahead and grieve.

2. Ride the waves of grief.

A breakup can be like a death, except more complicated because the person is still alive. What is lost is the bond you shared. The commitment to each other. The companionship provided by the relationship. It’s perfectly natural to grieve the loss of these things when a relationship comes to an end. Let yourself feel the grief without judgment or self-criticism. Together only a month? It doesn’t matter: Cry it out if you feel like it. There’s no “acceptable standard” of grief; there’s only how you feel, and the self-compassion with which you meet your feelings. Try the T-R-U-T-H Technique for Constructive Wallowing to move through painful feelings faster.

3. Experience the longing.

It’s the longing for what’s been lost that brings people back together over and over again, even when the relationship is painful. You’re going to experience that longing if you break up. There’s no way around it. And the pull is powerful. Since you know what to expect, you can be ready for it. When that longing pulls at your heart, and tries to persuade you to send a text or to show up where she works or to leave him a message, you can recognize it for what it is: An urge for soothing. It’s okay to need soothing. You can label it (e.g., ‘I feel a longing to talk to him’) and you can experience it in your body and soul… and not act on it. The need for soothing is there because your heart is hurting. It will pass. All emotions pass in waves. Be patient with yourself and commit to tolerating your feelings rather than acting on them.

4. Be here now.

Anchor yourself in the present moment. Right here, right now, how are things? Are you warm enough? Are you sitting or lying in a comfortable position? Have you had enough to eat? Take a few clarifying breaths. Let your body relax. Hide out here, in this moment, where there’s nothing required of you but to breathe and tolerate whatever emotions or impulses arise. Are you lonely? Let yourself be immersed in the loneliness; it won’t kill you, and if you stay with it you’ll find that it passes. Do you feel uncomfortable in your skin? Would you rather be anywhere but here? Experience those thoughts and feelings, continuing to breathe. You’ll get through this moment, and any emotions that arise in this moment will be gone in a minute.

5. Avoid alcohol and other drugs.

Any drug that messes with your judgment could wreak havoc on your breakup. Actions you take when under the influence can send you six steps backwards. Stay sober or else have a friend stay by your side at all times to keep you from taking an action you’ll regret. Make sure it’s someone committed to keeping you away from your ex.

6. Forgive yourself.

Everybody else may think it's a no-brainer to kick your partner to the curb and move on, and you may even agree with them. But no one else has walked in your shoes, experiencing the highs as well as the lows of this relationship. No one else has to give up the dreams you shared with your ex, or feel the cold emptiness that's taken the place of companionship. Breaking up is never easy, and if you aren't able to do it all at once, that just means you're human. Cut yourself some slack and try again when you're ready. Eventually you'll be successful, and one day you'll look back on this painful time in your life from a happier, more peaceful place.

In my own experience, and after talking to many clients and friends, I’ve determined that girls and women tend to have three experiences with sex: trauma, performance, or intimacy.

Trauma: Almost every woman I know has a complicated relationship to sex. Some of this is cultural. Girls have very little ownership over their sexual selves. We live in a culture in which sex for girls and women is mostly defined by men’s desires. Add to this (and surely as a result of this), most girls also experience sexual violation. Few girls escape molestation or rape or both. It’s a horrible but real truth. And, to make things worse, young girls don’t even need to experience molestation or rape in order to have a traumatic relationship to sex. They simply need to be girls who want boys to like them, and who know through every message in media is that the most likely way to do that is through her body. As these girls grow into women, they continue to hope sex will affect their desirability and whether they get loved. Other women might shut down to their bodies entirely, seeing sex as their “wifely duty,” something they tolerate rather than enjoy.

Performance: In this age of ubiquitous porn, too many teenagers are learning about sex this way. Girls “perform” for boys rather than engage with their sexual exploration with boys as a way to build real intimacy with another person. Women, also, perform in bed. They wow men by being exhibitionists. They know how to rock men’s worlds. But none of this has anything to do with real connection with another person. It’s a way to stay outside her body, more an observer of her own behavior rather than anything else. Men and women might enjoy this kind of sex, but only physically.

Intimacy: Real intimacy is hard to get to when it comes to sex. There is nothing in our culture that teaches us how to engage with sex in this way. Girls and women are made to either fear sex or dominate it. What does intimacy in sex even look like? The answer to that is very personal, but it is always about being vulnerable together – emotionally, physically, and, to some extent, spiritually. There are only a few things that make us as vulnerable as sex: giving birth and dying are two others, but you can’t have these with your partner all the time (and wouldn’t want to). Intimacy in the bedroom takes tremendous bravery. You have to be willing to allow the sex to go where it takes you – emotionally, physically, and spiritually. You can’t control it. Control has nothing to do with it. You can’t hold yourself back or close yourself off.

In my own life, I went through these three experiences as a process. First, sex was trauma, then it was performance, and finally sex became an opportunity for real intimacy. In a relationship you can’t always reach this level of intimacy through sex, of course. But always, always, you can aim to be open to the possibilities that sex with your partner will bring.

When I taught for a semester at an historical black college in South Carolina a few years ago, students talked about their experiences with the police. One student said he had been pulled over by the police so many times that he stopped counting at twenty. “Maybe if you didn’t have dreads,” another student remarked, “they wouldn’t be stopping you. I’ve never been stopped.” This student always came to class well-groomed, as though ready for a job interview.

Another student said that on the way to class that day she had been pulled over by a cop. When she reached for the ID tag she wire from work that hung around her neck, the next thing she knew she had a gun pressed against her chest. This was the same student who weeks earlier admitted that in the past she had shoplifted; most of the class also suspected that she had stolen a cell phone from one of her classmates recently.

How do you interpret these two stories? In a recent discussion on Meet the Press, former mayor Ruddy Giuliani said that the problem was within the African American community itself. His point was that the real problem was black-on-black crime. So, I suppose in the two anecdotes above, he would point to the dreadlocks in the first instance and the history of theft in the second as examples of how the problem is internal to the black community.

Michael Eric Dyson, sociology professor at Georgetown University, responded strongly to Giuliani’s comments. Dyson said that most criminals involved in black-on-black crime wound up in jail and the problem of police officers killing black citizens can’t be swept away by “the defensive mechanism of white supremacy in your mind, sir!” So I suppose he would hear my students stories and conclude that there is something seriously wrong with police enforcement in the African American community.

Ironically, while grand juries in Missouri and New York refused to bring charges against white officers involved in the deaths of black men, South Carolina is bringing former cops to courts. The most recent indictment comes from Orangeburg County, where I taught. There the former police chief of Eutawville faces murder charges stemming from the shooting death of an unarmed black man in 2011. This is the third indictment against a South Carolina police officer in the past 4 months.

It does make you wonder whether if Giuliani were the prosecutor in Orangeburg whether he would have brought the cases to trial or whether he would have called on African Americans to clean up their own neighborhoods before calling the police.

The Giuliani-Dyson debate did reveal one figure that is worth considering: the difference between black-on-black crime and white-on-white crime isn’t very great, a difference of less than 10%. In other words, rates of white on white crime are not so different than black on black crime.

Whatever the crime statistics, there is no question that blacks and whites have different experiences with the police and therefore have different interpretations of the facts. But as psychologist and philosophers know, perceptions become facts.

Something needs to be done to create a sense of trust between African Americans and the police that is now too often sorely lacking.

There are many common investment decisions that hinder wealth building. Many investors lack diversification in their portfolios, and therefore take more risk than necessary for their earned return. Other investors trade too much and lose money from commissions, bid/ask spreads, and emotional biases that are enhanced. This bias is often called ‘overconfidence.’ A third common behavior is called the disposition effect. Here, investors are too quick to sell winner positions and tend to hold losers too long.Investors also suffer from the home bias (investing too close to home), and they chase high returns.

Not everyone makes these mistakes. What causes some people to trade overconfidently while others do not?

Two financial economists examine this question, Henrik Cronqvist and Stephan Siegal. They want to determine the role that genetics plays in investment biases. Their analysis is clever. They use the Swedish Twin Registry of over 30,000 people and data on their investment behaviors. Note that identical twins share 100% of their genes, while fraternal twins share only half.

Investment biases may be due to a person’s socioeconomic characteristics, like age, gender, education, wealth, etc. In addition, decisions could be influenced by genes, common environmental factors (like growing up in the same house), or individual specific experiences. After accounting for socioeconomic factors, the professors determine the portion of unexplained investment decision variance in an investment bias from genes, environment, and experiences.

They find that the socioeconomic characteristics explain very little. For the diversification decision, socioeconomics explain only 13%, while they explain on 1% for the home bias. The unexplained variance found is shown in the graph.

Note that genes seem to explain up to 45% of the decision biases in diversification and home bias. Genes explain 30%, 27%, and 25%, of the performance chasing, disposition effect, and overconfidence, respectively.

The common environment explains very little.

An individual’s experiences explain most of the investment decisions.

Thus, most of the investment decisions made are explained by both inherited genetics and individual experiences. However, it is surprising how much genetics plays a role. So choose your parents wisely!

Source: Henrik Cronqvist and Stephan Siegel, 2014, “The genetics of investment biases,” Journal of Financial Economics 113, 215-234.

Recently I was virtually bedridden for six weeks with severe back pain. Now that I am finding some relief, I’ve been reflecting on the phenomenology of this experience. My prolonged severe pain was a black hole at the center of my emotional experience, sucking into its darkness aspects of my engagement in the world.

An article by Jennifer Bullington (2009), drawing on the phenomenological philosophy of Merleau-Ponty, illuminates “how the experience of chronic pain ruptures the natural connection between body and world and how the [healing] process can be understood as the re-insertion of the body into the flow of experience … in order to allow the world to once again unfold. The experience of chronic pain places the painful body in focus, resulting in a diminished articulation of both self and world. Persons with illness suffer not only from the physical aspects of pain and discomfort but also from a loss of identity where one feels alienated and detached from things that used to give meaning to one’s life.” (p.100)

We engage in the world largely through our affect—our emotional states, such as desire and interest. Ordinarily, I am a foodie—I desire all manner of delicious food. During the six weeks in which I was bedridden with back pain, however, my desire for these gastronomic delights was nowhere to be found. Also, normally I am passionately interested in philosophy. During the six weeks in which I was homebound I could have read several philosophy books, but I had no interest in reading anything. Now that I am finding some relief from the pain, my desire for food and interest in philosophy have, thankfully, returned. I’ve even begun to write again, as shown by this blog post. I am reengaging with the world!

Reference

Bullington, J. (2009). Embodiment and Chronic Pain: Implications for Rehabilitation Practice. Health Care Anal., 17:100–109.

Copyright Robert Stolorow