The poet Novalis, otherwise knows as Felix von Hardenberg, has said that novels arise from the short comings of history. Certainly in my own case this seems true. Growing up in South Africa during the apartheid period we were surrounded by silences, prejudice, and secrets. I knew that I wanted to write but what to write about? Who was I? What tradition was I to write in? Was I Englsh, African, Afrikaans? It seemed to me that the best way to find out was to leave South Africa, to leave my mother, and even my mother tongue.

So I went abroad to France, the country of the “rights of man” but of course that did not give me immediate access to the key to my own identity, on the contrary. I often felt I had lost myself without my mother tongue. As the Polish poet Czeslaw Milosz has written of being without one’s mother tongue:

” But without you, who am I? Only a scholar in a distant country.”

I did have the occasion to study in France eventually, once I had learned enough French. I studied psychology at the Institut Catholique, a private university run by a woman, Mlle Fanchon and an Abbe. I was even able to do an internship at the Salepetriere where Freud had famously studied with Charcot. And one of my professors was a psychoanalyst and actually assigned Freud’s five case histories.

Travelling through the night going home to Johannesburg for the Christmas holidays and turning the pages of the first case history, the Dora case, fascinated and fearful for this young girl who is dragged to Freud by her father, with a plethora of symptoms, I began to feel very ill myself. Was I completely hysterical, I wondered. Was I becoming ill by osmosis? It turned out that I was indeed ill, with the measles which had nothing to do with the case history of course.

Yet this story remained with me, this dance, a quartet or perhaps a quintet: Dora, her father , the father’s mistress and the father’s mistress’s husband. They remained in my mind over the years.

Many years later as an older woman I reread the case history and was appalled by Freud’s arrogance, the way he harangued this young girl, thrust his theories down her throat. Rarely do we hear her voice in the case history or only in despair. “I knew you would say that!” she cries out when Freud likens the jewel-case in the dream to her genitals.

I determined to write her story, to give this young woman a voice. Yet when I started to research and to write my book, “Dreaming for Freud” Freud somehow found his way onto the page.

He, too, I discovered was in a vulnerable position, trying to make a living with six children a wife, a sister- in- law and the servants that went into a bourgeois establishment of this kind. I read about Vienna, its prejudice and its pride. Freud, too, found a voice in my pages. I was drawn to him by his struggles to make a living, to find patients and fame, to hold onto his friend Fliess.

Each one of my books it seems to me has ultimately been a search for the answer to the same questions voiced in so many ways. Who am I? Who are you? What is at the heart of our human condition?

Sheila Kohler is the author of many books including the recent Dreaming for Freud.

ADHD and Dementia with Lewy Bodies (DLB)

I recently attended the annual CHADD Convention in Chicago, a large national meeting about ADHD. A speaker I heard there mentioned that there is a link between ADHD and Dementia with Lewy Bodies (DLB), a kind of dementia. I knew of an article several years back that suggested a possible link between the two conditions, but had not heard anything else on it since then. As a clinical neuropsychologist, I work with clients impacted by ADHD as well as dementias such as DLB, and so the speaker’s comments intrigued me. I wondered if more research had linked the two disorders since I last read about it.

What is Dementia with Lewy Body (DLB)?

Before talking about ADHD and DLB, it would help to describe what DLB is. Although many people have not have heard of it before, DLB is not a rare form of dementia. It is not anywhere close to Alzheimer’s disease in terms of frequency or public familiarity, but some experts have ranked it as possibly the second most common form of dementia after Alzheimer’s. DLB can look a bit like Parkinson’s disease, and it can sometimes be difficult to tell them apart. A few recent media reports for instance have debated whether Robin Williams showed signs of Parkinson’s disease or DLB before his death.

Microscopic abnormalities inside of nerve cells called Lewy bodies (hence the name) occur in both DLB and Parkinson’s disease. The movement problems that occur in Parkinson’s disease also tend to appear in DLB. Like all common dementias, DLB is slow but progressive, leads to multiple cognitive problems, and eventually costs the individual his/her ability to independently handle tasks of daily life. Memory can be impacted in DLB but not nearly to the level that it is diminished in Alzheimer’s disease. Other cognitive problems occur, and the person eventually has difficulty doing tasks that were not too challenging before, like driving a car, managing his/her finances, and making appointments.

Although DLB is difficult to spot, there are sometimes signs that point to DLB in the course of the illness. Some of these involve REM-related sleep problems, fluctuations of on and off weeks in terms of cognition early on, and perhaps most distinctively of all, very detailed and convincing visual hallucinations, often of animals and people, that emerge early in the disease process. The hallucinations are sometimes among the first symptoms of DLB. Frequent falls, dizziness, and incontinence are also sometimes seen in DLB. Hallucinations can also occur in Parkinson’s disease, but these are usually considered a side-effect of medication. Clinicians sometimes distinguish the two conditions by considering tremors and motor problems coming before cognitive symptoms as more suggestive of Parkinson’s disease, and the opposite pattern (cognitive problems before motor symptoms) as more suggestive of DLB. The age of onset for DLB tends to be after age 50.

So Are DLB and ADHD Linked?

So we know what ADHD is, and we know a little bit about DLB. Are they related? Well … possibly.

The study I read before was published in 2011 by Dr. Angel Golimstok and colleagues in Argentina. They thought that ADHD and DLB might be linked because of similar levels of brain chemicals in the two disorders (dopamine and norepinephrine). In the study, people who had probable DLB were more likely to endorse prior ADHD symptoms (the authors stopped short of calling it a prior ADHD diagnosis) than those who had probable Alzheimer’s disease or who had no dementia. I say “probable” here because a definitive diagnosis for either dementia can only be made by autopsy. In individuals who were too impaired to recall the past, their earlier life symptom recollections were obtained from someone close to them who knew their histories. The differences in endorsed past ADHD symptoms were big – almost 48% in the DLB group versus about 15% in the other two groups – but the study was not perfect.

The study had some weaknesses. For instance, reports of past behaviors are susceptible to error; definitive diagnoses of ADHD, DLB, or Alzheimer’s disease were not be made in this type design; and it was unclear how characteristic this sample was to the general population. There is also a difference between saying someone has ADHD and someone has some of the symptoms of ADHD, or even symptoms that look like ADHD. Still, it did raise some interesting questions about a link between the two disorders.

In science though, to establish a relationship, multiple studies saying the same thing are needed, rather than just the results of one study. It is a point often lost by the media, but no single study is perfect, so rarely can it be trusted by itself as the last word on a topic. Consider how some of the weaknesses mentioned above might lead to inaccurate results.

The interesting thing about the ADHD-DLB link was that the 2011 study got a lot of publicity, but additional studies confirming these results (or even looking at the same topic) were just not found when I searched for them for some time on Google, and on the research publication databases Medline and Psych-Info. Perhaps there are other studies out there that confirm the suspicions of these researchers, but if so, they are pretty hard to find and there are not many of them!

What this suggests to me is that there might be a link between ADHD and later life DLB, but it is just too soon to make the leap that there is a link between them. This single study just can’t establish that link so conclusively. What it does do is set up a good working hypothesis for other studies to see if a trend of research all suggest an ADHD-DLB link. Right now though, it is just too soon to consider it a closed case.

Welcome back to The Attraction Doctor

Almost two years ago I wrote an article providing five tips for gift giving with a date or mate (see here). As the holiday season approaches again, I felt inspired to search for a bit more advice to help you (and me) with the shopping list. Particularly, I was interested in figuring out how gift giving during the holidays, Christmas, or any other time, could improve romantic relationships. So, I did what I always do and took a look in the scientific literature for the answers...

The Science of Romantic Gift Giving

Several studies provide insight into the role of gift giving in romantic relationships. For example, Belk and Coon (1993) explored reasons for gift giving in relationships through participants' diaries of dating experiences. The authors found that motivation for giving gifts varied from purely transactional and instrumental, to more symbolic and emotional. Men in particular viewed gift giving as a means of exchange, usually to try to gain sexual favors. Women, in contrast, preferred receiving gifts for symbolic and emotional reasons. Overall though, relationship giving tended to transition from being more of a reciprocal exchange to an emotional expression as relationships developed.

Huang and Yu (2000) more thoroughly explored the role of gifts in developing and maintaining relationships over time. Their results indicated that gift giving could have positive or negative effects on a relationship, depending on the frequency and intensity of gifts at each relationship level. When gift giving was moderate and balanced, it made the giver feel good, expressed loving feelings to the recipient, and helped ensure relationship success. When gifts were given too frequently or rarely, however, anxiety and negative feelings spoiled the relationship.

Gift giving motivation was more recently studied by Jonason, Tost, and Koenig (2012). These researchers also found that both men and women use gifts to maintain existing interpersonal relationships. Primarily, gifts are a way to mark special occasions, show affection, or apologize for a mistake. Men were also likely to use gifts as a way to escalate the sexual and romantic nature of a relationship, or keep a partner committed to them. Overall, men who were particularly shy or lacking in self-esteem were especially likely to use gifts as a way of communicating their affection and interest.

Taken together, it appears that gift giving is a form of emotional expression in relationships that becomes more important over time. It is also way for both partners to maintain relationships and help ensure fidelity of mates (mate guard). Finally, men also use gift giving as a way to establish and escalate the sexual nature of relationships, through reciprocity and exchange, especially in the early stages of dating. Thus, the motivation for giving and receiving gifts tends to depend largely on the sex of the individuals involved and the stage of the relationship.

When and How Should You Give a Romantic Gift?

The research results above can help provide some general guidelines for successful and satisfying gift giving to a date, lover, or mate. To best judge an appropriate and effective gift, however, requires looking at the stage of the relationship. In other words, gift giving with a new dating partner is very different from buying presents for an established mate.

In early dating, gift giving is usually more of a transaction and reciprocal exchange. At this stage, men in particular might be motivated to buy lavish gifts to escalate the relationship. Such gift giving may make the giver feel good, but will most likely not have the intended effect on the recipient (see here). In fact, big gifts early in dating may make a partner feel anxious, obligated, or manipulated. In short, guys, buying that big-ticket item for your new gal will most likely not have the desired effect.

Given that, early dating gift giving should aim at being relatively inexpensive, reciprocal, and somewhat thoughtful. It is more about giving gifts of roughly equal value that consider the other person's interests. Also, if you want to increase the attraction and passion in your relationship, you might want to buy some tickets to an exciting or stimulating activity. Shared excitement builds desire much better than expensive gifts (here).

In established relationships, gift giving becomes more emotional and symbolic. Gifts are used to show appreciation and gratitude. For men, gifts may also be a way to help show their value as a mate and keep their partner attentive (here). This gifting strategy does not work as well for women, however, as men often respond much better to sexual reciprocation to keep them attentive.

As a result, gift giving has a more symbolic and relationship regulating function in longer-term mating. Such gifts are often one-sided expressions of love, without the demand for immediate reciprocation. So, both more thought and expense is often a part of the process. However, the nature and investment should be proportional to the partner's emotional gratitude. In other words, your gift will only enhance the relationship to the degree that your partner is grateful and appreciative of your investment (see here). So, if they will not appreciate it, do not bother splurging for it.

Conclusion

Gift giving can be a tricky process, especially with romantic partners. A lot of feelings and expectations can get mixed up. Following a few simple rules, backed up by science, can help clear the clutter though. Specifically, in early relationships it is best to keep gifts simple, thoughtful, and reciprocal. If you want to increase the passion, then use the money for a shared exciting or stimulating activity together, rather than a big ticket item. Later relationships might benefit from larger investments and expressions of love, but only to the degree that your partner will appreciate. Otherwise, it might be best to keep it small and thoughtful too...or just stick a bow on your head and give them a little affection.

Go to www.AttractionDoctor.com for more dating and relationship advice (in helpful categories)!

Make sure you get the next article too! Click here to sign up to my Facebook page, Email, and RSS. I keep my friends informed :)

Finally, remember to share, like, tweet, and comment below. Until next time...happy dating and relating!

Dr. Jeremy Nicholson, The Attraction Doctor

Previous Articles

• The Science of Pick-Up Lines
• How and Where to Meet Women or Men
• Husband Tracks Sex on Spreadsheet: Does Wife Owe Him More?

References

• Belk, R. W., & Coon, G. S. (1993). Gift giving as agapic love: A alternative to the exchange paradigm based on dating experiences. Journal of Consumer Research, 20, 393-417.
• Huang, M., & Yu, S. (2000). Duration models to analyze dating relationships: The controversial role of gift giving. Family and Consumer Science Research Journal, 28, 411-427.
• Jonason, P. K., Tost, J., & Koenig, B. L. (2012). Sex differences and personality correlates of spontaneously generated reasons to give gifts. Journal of Social, Evolutionary, and Cultural Psychology, 6, 181-192.

 © 2014 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Who’s Smoking Marijuana and How Much?

Statistics on cannabis users skew perceptions of cannabis use. Most statistical surveys of marijuana focus on a single quantitative measurement, “How many people are using?” However, there is a problem; more marijuana use does not necessarily translate into more marijuana users. The greatest amount of marijuana consumption comes from the heaviest smokers. How many people are using does not give us a clear picture of levels of misuse or abuse.

Examining frequency of use over time provides a picture of not only changes in who is using, but also how individuals are using. Researchers were able to draw some conclusions about the growth in marijuana usage from 2002 through 2011, based on data gathered. After exploring the demographics of this 10-year record of use, they found that “consumption grew primarily because of an increase in the average frequency of use, not just because of an increase in the overall number of users.” The driver of consumption turns out to be greater consumption, and that increased consumption is coming from older adults. Those older adults, it turns out, are smoking more pot.

There is also concern over a rise in the concentration of active ingredients in available drugs. In 2012, THC concentrations in marijuana averaged close to 15 percent, compared to around 4 percent in the 1980s, according to the data from police records. For a new user, this may mean exposure to higher concentrations of THC, with a greater chance of an adverse or unpredictable reaction. For frequent users, it may mean a greater risk for addiction if they are exposing themselves to high doses on a regular basis.

However, the full range of consequences associated with marijuana’s higher potency is not well understood. For example, experienced users may adjust their intake in accordance with the potency or they may be exposing their brains to higher levels overall, or both. Increases in potency may account for the rise in emergency department visits involving marijuana use.

Although the federal government considers marijuana a Schedule I substance and it is therefore illegal on a federal level, several states have already legalized medical marijuana or allowed social use. Regardless of public opinion, research shows marijuana may cause problems in daily life or make a person’s existing problems worse. Heavy marijuana users generally report lower life satisfaction, poorer mental and physical health and more relationship problems compared to non-marijuana-using peers.

If you smoke marijuana, perhaps it is time to considering quitting and looking at replacing marijuana use with healthier life choices. The amount of money and time wasted on this habit could probably be better used doing more productive activities. Consider seeking professional advice on private treatments available for substance abuse and help developing a personal plan to quit. Success is possible with a little effort and help.

http://journal.frontiersin.org/Journal/10.3389/fpsyt.2013.00138/abstract

http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/marijuana

“Magic Mushrooms” Might Be More Magic than We First Thought

In 1960, two promising young psychologists at Harvard, Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert, began to explore the effects of psychotropic substances on the human mind. They believed that psilocybin, the active chemical in “magic” mushrooms, had the power to change people’s brains for the better.

They reasoned that psychology is the study of the mind, including its relationship to the brain, body, and environment. Therefore, psychology has a legitimate interest in how cognition, perception, and emotion are affected by mind-altering substances. Fifty years later, scientists are beginning to realize Leary may have been on to something.

Today, research on psychedelic drugs is experiencing a renewal of interest in the scientific community. A growing body of studies from major universities and medical centers suggests that the substances may hold promise as therapeutic interventions for a number of mental health conditions. Because of their ability to temporarily create profound changes in consciousness, and sometimes lasting changes in psychological well-being, mushrooms have been an area of particular interest. Unfortunately, research has been greatly restricted due to the classification of these mushrooms as a Schedule 1 drug.

In a new British study, researchers analyzed fMRI scans of 15 people after being injected with psilocybin, the active ingredient in magic mushrooms, and compared them to scans of their brain activity after receiving a placebo. Investigating psychedelics was not the direct purpose of the experiment, claimed study co-author Giovanni Petri, a mathematician at Italy’s Institute for Scientific Interchange, but the experiment yielded some intriguing data.

“Psilocybin makes for an ideal test system: It is a sure-fire way of altering consciousness. In mathematical terms, normal brains have a well-ordered correlation state. There is not much cross-linking between networks. That changes after the psilocybin dose. Suddenly the networks are cross-linking like crazy, but not in random ways. New types of order emerge.”

Psilocybin profoundly alters consciousness, rearranging the brain so that new connections between neurons are created and accessing them becomes easier. This does not occur randomly, but instead, the neurons assume a new order, which brings clarity and new perspectives on old and new thoughts. Those effects are then combined with what scientists have found to be activation in the area of the brain, the hippocampus and anterior cingulate cortex, responsible for emotion and dreaming.

Meanwhile, with the activity in the emotion region of the brain working at full-force, the area that helps us find a sense of self-awareness (the ego) goes quiet. Thus, the dreamlike state of enlightenment is commonly report by those using the drug.

Johns Hopkins researchers found that using small amounts of psilocybin in a controlled setting could lead to life-changing positive experiences that increased long-term psychological well-being. The researchers said that they ultimately hope to see whether transcendent experiences, facilitated by taking psilocybin in therapeutic settings, could help treat conditions like addiction, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

The stigma of psychedelics may be slowly shifting as more and more research finds that substances like LSD and psilocybin show promise as therapeutic tools for dealing with a range of mental health problems. So far, the evidence has shown some interesting possibilities.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/14/psychedelic-mushrooms-facts_n_6083436.html

http://www.medicaldaily.com/how-magic-mushrooms-enlighten-brain-and-improve-psychiatric-conditions-311126

http://jop.sagepub.com/content/early/2014/09/06/0269881114548296.abstract

Over the past 10 years, I’ve been on a quest for wisdom. I didn’t take the conventional routes of finding a guru, reading self-help books, or listening to motivational speakers. Instead, I decided to ask the oldest Americans about their advice for living on a range of topics, from choosing a career, to raising children, to avoiding regrets, to how to age gracefully and well. Currently, this project focuses on older people’s advice for love, relationships, and marriage.

In 2011, I published a book on 1200 older people’s advice for living (30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans). And I got a very important question from a viewer of coverage about the book on the PBS Newshour, This college professor from New England emailed me that the book “makes the assumption that the young have more to learn from the old than the other way around.” He went on, “How does Mr. Pillemer know that the elderly ‘are the truest experts on living well through hard times?’”

It was an excellent question. And it got me to thinking. I’ll offer my answer here, and I’d like to hear what readers have to say.

America is ambivalent about the wisdom of older people, if popular culture is any guide. On the one hand, we are provided with buffoonish images of older people, such as Grandpa Simpson (famous quote: “I always get the blame around here! Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch? Who got their dentures stuck in the toilet?”), or Frank Costanza, George’s churlish father on Seinfeld (famous quote: “Hoochie Mama!”).

Stacked on the other side of the scale are the “sages”: characters ranging from Yoda, to Dumbledore, to Morgan Freeman who in role after role plays the wise elder and moral compass for those around him. Despite such confused images, younger Americans seem at least open to the idea of older people as potential repositories of wisdom.

Still young people are right to ask: Why should it interest me and what can I gain from hearing older people’s advice about how to live my life? Let me offer three reasons why the wisdom of older Americans can be a uniquely importance source of guidance for younger people – why they could be called “experts” on living well through hard times.

1. Listening to the advice of older people has promoted well-being and even survival for millennia.

Over the 1.5 million years of human existence, it is only for around the past 150 years that most people have gone to anyone other than local elders for solutions to life’s problems. Anthropologists tell us that in prehistoric times, the accumulated wisdom of older people was a key to human survival. Not only did the old (and especially grandmothers) improve the survival chances of their grandchildren by caring for them and finding them food; they also were the source of tried and tested experience, the true “elders” to whom group members would go in time of crisis. Later on, in agricultural societies, the family elder was often the only one who knew how his clan’s property should be farmed or how to handle drought or pest infestation. Without that elder’s knowledge starvation could ensue. So consulting older people is really a “natural” thing for humans to do.

2. America’s elders are a unique and extraordinary generation.

People in their seventies and beyond have lived through experiences many of us in the United States today can only imagine. Their lives have often included that the psychologist Juan Pascual-Leone has termed “ultimate limit situations.” As he eloquently puts it, these are situations that “cannot be undone and are nonetheless faced with consciousness and resolve.” Situations like illness, aging, failure, oppression, loss, crushing poverty, and risking death in war. It is precisely these situations that lead to wisdom. America’s elders have this kind of wisdom more than the rest of us because on average they have been through many more ultimate limit situations. They have survived them, absorbed them, and gained invaluable experience from them. This unique perspective is a valuable lens through which younger people can view their own lives.

3. The elders offer an alternative to conventional wisdom. There’s a paradox here: this point is simultaneously why we should seek out elder wisdom and also why younger people may not pay attention. From our surveys of 1200 elders about their lessons for living, we found that their perspectives often shake up conventional wisdom.

Conventional wisdom is what everybody knows – what the members of a society learn while they are growing up. Conventional wisdom offers up images of the good life and reinforces the values of the culture. It ultimately becomes the basis of our identity and self-esteem.  And it’s very hard to see beyond conventional wisdom, even if it makes us live smaller and less happy lives.

I found that the elders often rejected what has become conventional wisdom in America and point to an alternative. This alternative wisdom defies a single categorization; sometimes it’s what we think of as “liberal” (the elders endorse religious tolerance, for example, and they reject materialistic worldviews) and sometimes “conservative” (such as proposing that marriage should be seen as a lifelong commitment). But it is in this challenge to the conventional world-view that the true value of their wisdom lies. The elders lead us to examine our assumptions and make more conscious decisions about our own scripts for happiness.

In the end, I come down on the side that the accumulated wisdom of older people – our “experts” on living - can serve as a helpful guide for younger people. They bring experiential knowledge of just about every problem a human being can go through. People from their teens to middle age will find that the roadmap for life elders provide can help them take a new look at their own situations and to choose new ways of living that will make them happier. We just have to be willing to ask and listen.

Follow me on Twitter @karlpillemer for daily updates on elder wisdom, love and marriage, and aging and visit the Legacy Project on Facebook.

Thanks to our technology, many of us sit in our cars, at work, and at home in front of TV sets and computers for more than half of our waking hours.

But these labor-saving devices come at a cost.  For centuries, human beings lived in hunter-gatherer and agrarian cultures. Regular movement supports our natural metabolic processes; our bodies don’t function well if we just sit around. Recent studies have linked prolonged sitting with anxiety, depression, cardiovascular disease, obesity, inflammation, cancer, and type 2 diabetes (Sanchez-Villegas et al., 2008; Thorp et al., 2011).

Even working out regularly can’t compensate for hours of prolonged sedentary behavior.  A person can  work in the tech industry, sitting at the computer for hours at home and at work, then hit the gym for high intensity workouts three or four days  a week and still suffer from the adverse results of too many sedentary hours (Katzmarzky, Church, Craig, & Bouchard, 2009).

So what can we do? Fortunately, recent studies have shown that taking even short 5-minute breaks to stand up and walk around can help restore normal function, improving glucose metabolism and preventing cardiovascular risk (Dunstan et al., 2012). While  more research is still needed to fully understand this process, health psychologists are developing interventions, and some people have begun using standing desks or sitting on exercise balls instead of chairs.

We can begin making simple changes to improve our health by:

• Taking regular breaks at work every hour to stand up and walk around.
• Standing up while talking on the phone.
• Walking down the hall to talk to co-workers instead of e-mailing them.
• Taking regular stretch breaks while relaxing at home in front of TV or the computer.

In fact, you can begin right now by taking a stretch break.

• Stand up.
• Shrug your shoulders, releasing any tension.
• Take a deep breath and slowly release it
• As you mindfully accept greater health and vitality into your life.

References

Dunstan, D. W., Kingwell, B. A., Larsen, R., Healy, G. N., Cerin, E., Hamilton, M. T., . . . Owen, N. (2012). Breaking up prolonged sitting reduces postprandial glucose and insulin responses. Diabetes Care, 35, 976-983. doi: 10.2337/dc11-1931

Katzmarzky, P. T., Church, T. S., Craig, C. L., & Bouchard, C. (2009). Sitting time and mortality from all causes, cardiovascular disease, and cancer. Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise, 41, 998-1005. doi: 10.1249/MSS.0b013e3181930355

Sanchez-Villegas, A., Ara, I., Guillen-Grima, F., Bes-Rastrollo, M., Varo-Cenarruzabeitia, J. J., & Martinez-Gonzalez, M. A. (2008). Physical activity, sedentary index, and mental disorders in the SUN cohort study. Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise, 40 (5), 1-8. doi: 10.1249/MSS.0b013e31816348b9

Thorp, A. A., Owen, N., Neuhaus, M., & Dunstan, D. W. (2011). Sedentary behaviors and subsequent health outcomes in adults: A systematic review of longitudinal studies, 1996-2011. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 41, 207-215. doi: 10.1016/j.amepre.2011.05.004

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Diane Dreher is a best-selling author, personal coach, and professor at Santa Clara University. Her latest book is Your Personal Renaissance: 12 Steps to Finding Your Life’s True Calling.

 Follow Diane on Twitter: Diane Dreher (@dianedreher) on Twitter

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The internet blogs are aflame about the "rape culture" on college campuses across the country. The ground work  was first established three years ago when the US Department of Education Office for Civil Rights'"Dear Colleague" letter put colleges on notice to formulate policies on sexual  harrassment and sexual violence as required under Title IX. Under such prompting California became the first state  this April to pass (and eventually sign into law by Governor Jerry Brown) a "Yes means yes" campus sexual standard statute  just as the  Obama Administration announced that they had found that  20% of women attending college are victims of unwanted sexual acts by men. In late September the Obama Administration followed up with the unveiling of a "It's On Us" campaign to combat sexual assault on college campuses. http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2014/09/19/president-obama-launches-its-us-campaign-end-sexual-assault-campus

 But is this new founded concern about "rape culture" on college campuses based on empirical evidence? Or are certain interests promoting this meme for political or ideological  ends?

The Justice Department's  20% sexual assault statistic that is the basis for these campaigns, policies and legislation, is problematic. For instance, writer Ryan Fleming, looking at Brown University, found that from a female student population of three thousand,  there was an average of 8 reported forcible sexual offenses per year or roughly  0.20%, not 20.00%. The University of Southern California reported a similar roughly 0.20% incidence based on  an average of 19 forcible sexual assaults at the University Park campus and resident halls over three years from a population of over 9000 Trojan undergraduate coeds. And Fleming noted that looking at any major city, the total violent crime rate including murder as well as forcible sex offenses is more like 2-3%, not 20%.This 20% figure bandied around by our highly educated opinion makers just doesn't add up from a simple common sense standpoint.

 Unfortunately many of our leaders in academia and government seem more than eager to act first and question the wisdom of such policies later. Instead of punishing those who really are criminals, universities such as the University of Virginia are even considering shutting down all fraternities. George Gilder predicted such foolish policy four decades ago. He taught in his book "Naked Nomads" that socializing male groups such as fraternities, the Boys Scouts and sports teams were originally designed to temper, channel and subdue the natural aggression of unmarried males just like virility rites and initiations found in almost every society the world over. He predicted that the feminist culture would begin to attack the institutions that once kept testosterone powered young men in check. He knew that removing fraternities would not solve the so called  "rape culture" on college campuses, observing that " ..the absence of arenas for aggressive male groups will lead to the eruption of such aggressions against society itself, or the festering of them in the minds of men...the denial of the male affirmations in modern life leads to pervasive distortions and perversions of healthy masculine aggression- to violence and pornography, to fear and exploitation of women, to the quest for potency through drugs and alcohol, to punch drunk music, and to fighting at sporting events."  Those who are really sincerely concerned about sexual assault against women need to stop and  consider whether they are making things worse and not better.

The result  of this contemporary demonization of the college male as a leering, predatory criminal who needs to be isolated and marginalized from campus life is to discourage men of good will and enlightened views on the opposite sex  from having a romantic relationship with a woman. It is becoming too risky to their chances of being admitted to a graduate school as well as derailing a future career. A reputation can be destroyed by unfounded charges.A bad break up can result in being expelled and destroying a resume. As Dr. Helen Smith observed in her  landmark book "Men On Strike", these punitive policies  may discourage many men from even attending college. This "rape culture" mania will push more wary men to consider the Japanese Solution: "virtual relationships". The biggest loser is American society, where the estrangement between men and women will worsen and fewer children will grow up with fathers and mothers.

I enjoy teaching colleagues how to do psychotherapy and education with couples so that they can enjoy lifelong satisfaction in coupling. We talked about the latest research on the physiology of coupling. This research is really wonderful. Among the information it provides for us:

•We are all hardwired for love

•We all have internal systems that are ready to help us chase someone romantically. We become obsessive and we perseverate on the remarkably fantastic qualities of the actually ordinary person we have decided needs to be “the” one.

•Our neurobiology also allows us to fall in love addictively. Falling in love feels irrational because it is. Our nervous system produces an aphrodisiac for loving someone else.

•After we fall in love, our systems help us settle into the predictable coupled love that allows folks to celebrate 65th wedding anniversaries. We feel safe and comforted in our partner’s presence. Their touch feels “right” to us. We miss them when they are absent.

Newer work on the science of human emotions informs us that, as Pascal said, the heart indeed does have its own reasons and where intellect and emotion clash, the heart often wins the tussle and has its own wisdom. The body’s physiology concretizes that love is the center of who we are and who we can become. Love shapes devoted parenting, fantastic romance, and intimate bonded partnering. One might simply say that love, more than any other single element, determines our life satisfaction.

How many fortunate couples do you know who live out this pattern of being hardwired for love? I know a couple who are extraordinarily well married. They live what some of us jokingly call an alternate life style…they are celebrating over 35 years of marriage. And celebrate it they do. They live in a pretty family home with lots and lots of photos on the walls…photos of how they smiled when they were young and married. Photos of children now all grown. Photos of grandchildren who pour in to visit. Photos of friends from long ago still connected through trips and parties. They have many friends who care deeply about them. Maybe it’s because they love to laugh.

They can barely remember when they were not married to each other. If you ask them, they can reminiscence with huge smiles about college escapades in dormitories, before there were coed dorms. And they can tell me, in living Technicolor, how they fell in love and how they knew this was “the one.” They did fall in love with a thud, and they still are “the one” for each other. During my many years in Stone Harbor, they were always around, easy to laugh with, involved with one child or another in one constructive activity or another.

You could count on them as a couple, and it was palpable. Of late, there is the occasional senior moment, but they absorb these signs of the passage of time with great good humor. Sometimes they seem not to notice that one or the other is forgetting something… I wonder if they do. I love to hang around with them because they exude a safety with one another that rubs off on whoever sits in their living room. When I come over, I am absorbed into their lives and their way of loving. They are not only hardwired for loving one another. They are hardwired for loving their children, their grandchildren and their friends. Lucky me.

George Vaillant talks about what really matters most in his book, Aging Well. He ought to know. He has interviewed the same high achieving men for 40 years. Now in their 80s, they can look back and tell us what really, really matters. And, just like my Stone Harbor friends and the newest neuropsychological research, Vaillant found that folks tell us that they most value loving well. And why not? After all, it is our hard wiring.

To Consider: What stage of loving do you like best? Do you like the rush to the chase of a new romance? Do you like to get drunk on the aphrodisiac of a new love affair? Do you enjoy it when you cannot think straight? Or, like my lucky friends, do you prefer basking in the comfort of a long-lived love well deserved through years of life lived together?

To Read: George Vaillant. Aging Well. NY: Little Brown & Co. 2003.

Sir, I wanna buy these shoes for my mama, please. It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size. Could you hurry, sir? Daddy says there's not much time...

We all know why the man agrees to buy the shoes for the boy—I mean, "his clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe." But how much would he be willing to part with for this anonymous child—$20? $30? $100?

Research suggests that the sadder the man, the more he would be willing to pay.

In a 2008 Psychological Science study, researchers at Carnegie Mellon, Stanford, Harvard, and Pitt explored the connection between sadness and buying. Participants viewed either a sad video (a scene of the death of a boy's mentor, from The Champ) or a neutral, emotionless clip (a National Geographic video on the Great Barrier Reef).

Afterward, participants had the option of buying an ordinary commodity—a water bottle. Those that had previously viewed the sad clip were willing to pay, on average, 3 times more for the bottle than those who viewed the neutral clip. Interestingly, the "sad" group insisted that the content of their clip did not affect their willingness to pay the amount they chose.

The authors reason the sad clip caused those participants to devalue both their sense of self and current possessions, making them willing to pay for new material possessions. Presumably, this could re-enhance their sense of self.

It is important to note that this was a modest study of empathy in the form of short video clips. The impact of truly intense sadness could lead to dangerous or risky spending behavior—perhaps even translating to domains beyond money, such as seeking new relationships.

According to co-author James Gross, "people can't and shouldn't go shopping when they feel down—when we're feeling sad, we may be making really unwise decisions financially."

In other words, for the love of your wallet, shut off "Christmas Shoes" should you hear those opening piano notes as you pull into the mall parking lot to do your Christmas shopping.

Cryder CE, Lerner JS, Gross JJ, & Dahl RE (2008). Misery is not miserly: sad and self-focused individuals spend more. Psychological science, 19 (6), 525-30 PMID: 18578840

Research has shown that a diverse workforce can be a valuable source of competitive advantage and long-term sustainability for firms. Workforce diversity, when properly managed, can attract top talents, encourage creativity and innovation, and increase organizational flexibility. However, efforts to promote workforce diversity (such as actively courting minorities, mentoring minority candidates) have had limited success in increasing the number of minority employees in organizations or facilitating higher rates of promotion for minorities into management positions

Ng and Sears examined the selection (hiring and promotion practices) among 154 employers in Canada. In general, employers have a choice of several selection methods. Some of the most common selection methods include:

1. Cognitive ability tests– measure general intelligence and consist of verbal, numerical, and spatial subscales; known to be the best predictor of work performance

2. Personality tests – often measure the Big Five personality constructs, which include conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, neuroticism, and openness to experience

3. Biodata – asks candidates for information related to their work related background and experiences; application blanks and resumes are two of the most common methods of collecting biodata

4. Structured interviews – follow a standardized process, i.e., asking all job candidates the same questions and rating them based on the same set of criteria

5. Unstructured interviews – Interview questions and methods of evaluation are less standardized; interview questions vary depending on candidate responses and less well-defined scoring criteria are used.

They found that some selection methods have an adverse impact on minority candidates after controlling for other efforts to promote workforce diversity (e.g., a commitment to diversity policy, active recruitment of minorities, training and development for minority employees, and holding management accountable for minority goals). Adverse impact occurs when the selection of minority candidates (for hiring and promotion) is lower than that of majority group members. Specifically, their results indicated that while the use of cognitive ability testing was associated with fewer minorities in the organization and in management, while the use of personality testing was found to be associated with a greater number of minorities in organizations. The other selection methods examined in the study were not found to have adverse impact against minorities. 

Despite these findings, human resource managers reported that they believed that personality tests would have greater adverse impact against minorities while cognitive ability tests would be less prone to bias. This is a cause for concern as human resource managers frequently provide input and advice to hiring managers and department heads. Given that the hiring process reflects the primary means by which individuals gain entry into organizations, it is noteworthy that the specific selection methods used by an organization have the greatest influence on, the level of minority employees in an organization and in management beyond any other diversity practice.

Eddy Ng is F.C. Manning Chair in Economics and Business at Dalhousie University. He co-authored the study with Greg Sears from Carleton University on “The effect of adverse impact in selection practices on organizational diversity: a field study” in the International Journal of Human Resource Management (Routledge). Follow Ed on Twitter @profng.

You’re not big on telling everyone you meet how great you are? How about raising your visibility by writing—also without bragging? Let’s see what Jack Appleman, author of 10 Steps to Successful Business Writing and a fellow introvert, says about that. As background, over the past few years his book has been required reading for a graduate course I teach on business writing and presentation skills at New York University.

NA: Writing is an often overlooked way for introverts to raise their career visibility. As a business writing author who teaches PR/communication at Manhattan College, you have a lot of tricks up your sleeve in that arena. How can introverts raise their profiles from the comfort of their keyboards and smart phones?

JA: In my business writing workshops, I always tell participants that their emails/documents help define their personal brand, especially when writing to those whom they’ve never met. For an introvert (or any person), crafting text in a certain way can help demonstrate expertise—and even leadership skills—to supervisors, colleagues, clients and others. So the written word can enable introverts to shine in a way that may be difficult for them in a face-to-face encounter. 

NA: Yes. In fact, my favorite thing about writing as an introvert is composing my thoughts before sharing them—often without the pressure to answer on the spot. In your book, you describe how to craft compelling business documents that sound conversational. What are the secrets to that?

JA: Too many people overthink—and overwrite. To illustrate this, I’ll share my typical dialogue with those whom I coach on a one-on-one basis. I tell the individual, “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say in this paragraph,” and he or she replies, “Jack, I’m trying to say x, y and z” Then I say, “Well, go ahead and write x, y and z, exactly as you said it out loud!”

NA: What a great point.

JA: Most people speak much more naturally and succinctly than they write. And good business writing should be conversational. So writers who get stuck on how to clearly express thoughts should imagine how they’d respond out loud if someone asked them a question about that topic. It’s simple, but it works.

NA: Yes, it does. I use that technique with my students and clients too. What do you like most about writing? The research process that introverts often enjoy? Drafting? Editing? Promoting what you’ve written?

JA: Of the three choices, I enjoy editing the best, where I challenge myself to delete every word or phrase that doesn’t contribute meaning and to ensure that the text flows and comes across exactly as intended.

NA: Some introverts embrace social media as a way to share their expertise while raising their profiles. Others find it overwhelming—too many “friends” to keep track of. As an introvert yourself, how do you relate to social media? What advice do you have for introverts who want to use it to advance in their careers? How can they use their energy wisely when it comes to LinkedIn, Twitter, and other social media tools?

JA: I use social media far more for business than for personal matters. To me, it’s an opportunity to share my expertise—such as by tweeting writing tips and perspectives on writing/communication—which will raise my profile as a professional dedicated to my craft. Introverts (and anyone) who want to advance their careers should take the time to write thoughtful LinkedIn profiles that demonstrate what they can bring to the table.

NA: Indeed. Your LinkedIn profile is a model for that. On a related note, many introverts I know are inveterate wordsmiths. They take the time to write, rewrite, and tweak endlessly—until they express exactly what’s on their minds. In that vein, introverts are often naturals at writing well-crafted e-mails, resumes, cover letters, research reports, proposals, and other business documents. However, the downside is that with all our tweaking we can become bottlenecks in fast paced work environments. What tips can you offer introverts to help them speed up their writing processes?

JA: There’s a fine line between taking the time to review your text and becoming obsessed with it and wasting precious time. Today’s workplace doesn’t afford us the time to edit every document to the nth degree. Part of being an effective writer is developing the confidence to know what works and what doesn’t so you don’t, for example, spend two hours on a three-paragraph email.

NA: Well put, Jack. Looking at a broader horizon, many introverts I know have always dreamed of writing a book. What was it like for you? Is it a good way for introverts to establish themselves as experts in their field?

JA: Writing a book was overwhelming, challenging and inspiring—depending on my frame of mind during the 16-month process. On the positive side, it forced me to dig deeper into my craft and research all I could about what makes business writing effective. When the book was published, I did gain instant credibility and more confidence that my method of teaching business writing is the best out there. For introverts, writing a book can be an effective confidence builder, as long as they’re committed to all the ups and downs they’ll face.

NA: I’m right there with you about the experience of writing a book. Thank you for sharing that and the rest of your valuable thoughts with my readers.

© Copyright 2014 Nancy Ancowitz

Glenn: Gökçe, do you want to climb to the top of the mountain with us on Friday?

Gökçe: I will try.

For the better part of the past year, my research group, the Evolutionary Psychology lab at the State University of New York at New Paltz, was blessed to have Turkish doctoral student, Gökçe Sancak Aydın, as a visiting researcher in our lab. Gökçe joined us to develop research skills related to the social psychology of relationships (we've done a bunch of studies in this area), to learn some about how things are done in an American university, and to immerse herself in English - all qualities that should, in theory, help her better complete her PhD in Counseling Psychology at Middle East Technical University in Turkey. Along the way, Gökçe received authorship on at least three different scientific papers from our lab. She also gave a great presentation at the annual meeting of the NorthEastern Evolutionary Psychology Society. And she contributed very positively to helping deliver my undergraduate courses in evolutionary studies and statistics.

While here in the US, Gökçe joined our intellectual community - and my family - on lots of fun adventures - experiencing for the first time: days in NYC, trips to DC, Philadelphia, and Boston, meals featuring beer and chicken wings, sushi, my daughter's middle school talent show, and hikes in our local mountains.

Henry David Thoreau once wrote this:

"Some will remember, no doubt, not only did they attend college, but that they went to the mountain."

So if you're wondering, yes, Gökçe did join our research team on an extra-curricular trip on which we climbed the Millbrook Ridge. And yes, she made it to the top of the mountain.

In the words of Gökçe Sancak Aydın herself, here is the story of an intrepid young scholar of the behavioral sciences who traveled half-way across the world to hone her understanding of research and statistical techniques in the field of psychology (and yeah, we will miss her!):

A guest blog by Gökçe Sancak Aydın

A great number of students study in international field in nowadays. The US is a great host country providing many opportunities to international students. Although international students are equipped for contacting with US culture with globalization involving the influence of American culture in the mass media and movies, it is the case that direct experience is more valuable than the awareness which provided by media. For the past several months, I have served as a visiting researcher in the Psychology Department at the State University of New York at New Paltz – my home department is the Department of Psychological Counseling and Guidance at Middle East Technical University. This experience related to learning about psychology in such a different cultural context was very eye-opening.

As an international student and researcher, I found myself asking what are the similarities and differences between cultures? Of course my standpoint for comparison was my own culture (Turkish). I notice my own cultural characteristics became more salient to me while immersed here in the US. This gave me an opportunity to perceive my attitudes and behaviors in the light of my cultural background. That was a great experience to look myself in that cultural perspective – and I would recommend such an experience to others.

What are the Differences and Similarities between Turkish and US Cultures?

I think we can classify differences into two categories; visible and psychological. Visible differences are based on the abstract attitudes and behaviors set by culture. Our special days and traditions are very different.  For instance, we do not have Halloween in Turkey (but I think we should have. It is a great fun!). Also, we have different music, different cuisines etc. All of these are the characteristic differences which can be observed easily. In addition to that, there are psychological differences which are less visible. According to Hofstede (1980, 2001) individualism–collectivism is the most conspicuous dimension while describing cultures. Individualism and collectivism are generally considered as the bipolar sides of a continuum among cultures (Cingöz-Ulu & Lalonde, 2007). Many psychological concepts are shaped in the light of this classification. While Turkish culture is classified as a kind of collectivist culture (Goregenli, 1997; Hofstede, 2001), US culture is perhaps the most clear instance of an individualistic culture (Hofstede, 2001). Individualistic cultures view the individuals as independent, free and responsible for themselves and focuses on accountability and self-discipline (Cingöz-Ulu & Lalonde, 2007). On the other hand, collectivism is described by family integrity, ingroup harmony and emphasis on commonalities rather than differences, sharp ingroup–outgroup distinctions, and the regulation of behavior by group norms (Triandis, 1995).

Turkey is also described as a society in transition. Studies have shown that there is a cultural change over time in Turkish culture (Kagitcibasi, 1982; Kagitcibasi&Ataca, 2005). Kagıtcıbası (2005) explains this change with the family model of psychological interdependence and the autonomous-related self which is described as integrative syntheses. This model integrates contradictory orientations about family interaction patterns and the self. According to Kagitcibasi (2005), the new generation of Turkish culture shows decreased material interdependencies but continuing emotional (psychological) interdependencies with acculturation and socioeconomic development. All these differences between these cultures are resulted with some differences such as using different conflict strategies (Cingöz-Ulu & Lalonde, 2007), using different parenting styles (Kagitcibasi, 2007), and even different romantic attitudes toward romanticism (Medora, Larson, Hortacsu, & Dave, 2002).  In addition to all these differences, I noticed many similarities between cultures which seem universal. We all have nearly same desires such as love, peace, feeling connected, and finding a meaning in life. Also, as described in many studies, we have universal emotions and just the way of expressing these emotions is different.

What are the contributions of international experience to students and researchers?

In modern world, with the effect of globalization, people do not want to be limited by limitations by directed their national maps. They want to learn, teach and live in different countries. Students learn about their culture and host culture more with the international experience that empowers the awareness of students about cultures. Also, students improve their multicultural skills, which means that they will have capability to study in various cultural environments. Furthermore, having skills for contacting with different cultures and understanding different perspectives may serve personal growth of students such as increasing self-esteem, coping skills, problem solving skills and creativeness. I strongly suggest this experience to students and researchers. Many studies show that acculturation of students is a dynamic and complex process (Smith & Khawaja, 2011). An important contributor of acculturation process of students relates to their patterns of social interactions and their meaningful relationships within their new communities (Gómez, Urzúa, & Glass, 2014). In my experience as a visiting scholar of psychology, the SUNY New Paltz Psychology Department has provided a great atmosphere for adaptation of students. I would like to thank SUNY New Paltz Psychology Department, Evolutionary Psychology Lab and special huge thanks to the Chair of Psychology Department Glenn Geher for being so positive, supportive and welcoming.

The Main Differences in the Turkish vs. US Academic Experience

My experience in learning about psychology in two dramatically different cultural and educational contexts has implications for my understanding of how higher education operates. In US universities, undergraduate students are more encouraged to do research and they can find themselves a place in big studies. Also, having labs in social science, teamwork and collaboration culture is another inspiring part of what I took in during my experience.

There are many similarities between the educational experience in the US and the experience in Turkey – this is partly due to the fact that the Turkish system of higher education is based on the US model – especially at my university (Middle East Technical University). This said, it was very eye-opening to see so many differences between how teaching and research operate – and I grateful for having had the experience - and I strongly suggest that others take such opportunities if presented to them. Studying psychology in the US provided me with the kinds of experiences and insights that I never would have gotten otherwise - and I hope that I am a stronger researcher and scholar for it.

References

Cingöz-Ulu, B., & Lalonde, R. N. (2007). The role of culture and relational context in interpersonal conflict: Do Turks and Canadians use different conflict management strategies?. International journal of intercultural relations, 31(4), 443-458.

Goregenli, M. (1997). Individualist–collectivist tendencies in a Turkish sample. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 28, 787–794.

Hofstede, G. H. (1980). Culture’s consequences, international differences in work-related values. Beverly Hills, CA: Sage.

Hofstede, G. H. (2001). Culture’s consequences: Comparing values, behaviors, institutions, and organizations across nations (2nd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Kagitcibasi, C. (1982). Old-age security value of children: Cross-national socioeconomic evidence. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 13, 29-42.

Kagitcibasi, C., & Ataca, B. (2005). Value of Children and Family Change: A Three‐Decade Portrait From Turkey. Applied Psychology, 54(3), 317-337.

Kagitcibasi, C. (2007). Family, self, and human development across cultures: Theory and applications. Routledge.

Medora, N. P., Larson, J. H., Hortacsu, N., Hortagsu, N., & Dave, P. (2002). Perceived attitudes towards romanticism; a cross-cultural study of American, Asian-Indian, and Turkish young adults. Journal of Comparative Family Studies, 155-178.

Neto, F., Mullet, E., Deschamps, J. C., Barros, J., Benvindo, R., Camino, L., & Machado, M. (2000). Cross-cultural variations in attitudes toward love. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 31(5), 626-635.

Shackelford, T. K., Schmitt, D. P., & Buss, D. M. (2005). Universal dimensions of human mate preferences. Personality and Individual Differences, 39(2), 447-458.

Smith, R. A., & Khawaja, N. G. (2011). A review of the acculturation experiences of

international students. International Journal of Intercultural Relations, 35(6), 699–

713.

Triandis, H. C. (1995). Individualism and collectivism. Boulder, CO: Westview Press.

The holiday season and dysfunctional family dynamics go together like turkey and cranberry sauce or a stocking full of presents and an empty wallet. You get in a fight with your brother about how to best carve a ham or with your sister about what temperature green bean casserole should be cooked at, your parents are breathing down your neck about your "lifestyle" choices, and it's taking all of your energy not to walk out. While the movies and TV shows we watch this time of year imply that one cannot get through the holidays without infighting between family members, this simply is not true. Instead of letting old grudges and anger covered in layers of hurt and bitterness ruin what could be a lovely Christmas or Hanukkah, make the decision that this year you're going to do things differently.

Eighty percent of our emotional upset surrounds our childhood wounds. If you keep getting in the same fights again and again with your family, it's possible that what you're really upset about isn't happening now; it's about what happened then. Ask yourself a few questions: What are you feeling? When have you felt this way before? Now, consider the meaning you have given to the earlier events. Perhaps your arguments with your siblings about carving ham or cooking green beans aren't about ham or green beans at all, but about feeling condescended to, or not listened to, or ignored. Now, when you notice yourself getting upset during a disagreement about preparing dinner, take a moment to pause and reflect on your emotional response. Identify the feelings and experience them while, at the same time, stay centered and attempt to make a better choice about how to address the conflict.

Some long-simmering issues with your family will be harder to deal with than the small injustice you feel about food preparation. For these larger injustices – say, feeling angry that you're paying more toward caring for your aging parents than your siblings are, or feeling rage every time you're reminded that you're the only one still single – it'll take a multi-step approach. Ten steps, specifically.

1. Chill out

You need to address the injustice, but first you have to give yourself some time to calm down. Remember the cliché "cooler heads prevail"? There's a reason it's not, "hot tempers win decades-long arguments."

2. Assess the situation

When you feel ready to talk, assess whether or not the other person is in the proper mindset to give the matter serious attention. Ask them, "I need to talk to you about __. Is this a good time?"

3. Preserve the relationship

Approach the issue with the intent of preserving the relationship. You still want to talk to your family after this conversation, right? Try to describe the problem in a way that won't drive an even bigger wedge between you.

4. Don't punish

Avoid name-calling and insults. Be aware that, because you're angry, your personal energy might come across as punishing. Try to stay in the moment and remember your love for this person.

5. Stick to the subject

Explain how you feel about the incident and remember to use "I" statements.

6. Stay positive

Include positive details when discussing the issue. Mention things the other person did right, not just what they did that upset you.

7. Read body language

The other person's body language will provide you with feedback. If the person is becoming angry or defensive, adjust your approach.

8. Tell them what you want

Paint a positive picture of what change you want made and let him or her know why it is important to you. Meanwhile, keep in mind that you can't make them change, but you can protect yourself from hurtful behavior by creating healthy boundaries and seeing if the other person is willing to respect your limits.

9. Provide feedback

Acknowledge improvement as soon as you see it. Use specific recognition of the change instead of general thanks. If, on the other hand, you see no change, ask the person to further consider your request.

10. Follow through

Thank the other person for fulfilling your request. If your original solution doesn't work, try again, but this time approach the conflict at a new angle.

Instead of thinking of this holiday season as yet another year of the same arguments, the same tears, and the same doors slammed, make this year the year everything changes. Just because you've been hurt by something for a long time doesn't mean you need to be hurt by it forever. You love your family and your family loves you, so do what you can to strengthen your relationship with them while you're all under one roof.

For more information on Dr. Andrea Brandt, please visit her website: www.abrantherapy.com . You can also connect on FaceBook https://www.facebook.com/abrandtherapy or Twitter https://twitter.com/AndreaBrandtPhD .

How Many Patients Seen for Depression in Primary Care Settings Didn’t Adhere to Antidepressants and Why?

      Medication adherence and close follow up are critical to the efficacy of antidepressant treatment in primary care settings. Primary care providers are positioned to impact medication adherence; however, practice constraints can limit adherence enhancement interventions.¹

      Systematic literature reviews have isolated numerous factors accounting for adherence or non adherence: patient factors (including attitudes about ADMs), patient condition and comorbidity factors (e.g. alcohol and drug abuse), patient-provider relationship factors (quality and continuity of relationship), treatment or therapy, and health care system level factors. Still there is limited and sometimes conflicting results in clinical studies and randomized trials pinpointing specific factors to target in order to ensure patient-provider partnerships around ADM adherence. 

      What we can say is that there is support for restructuring primary care provider roles to account for both system and provider factors. Williams et al. (2007) suggests that these changes may require a reconfiguration of patient-provider relationship with added resources or role reassignments² not always available to  the average primary care practice

References:

Heise, B., & van Servellen, G. (2014).The nurses' roles in primary care antidepressant medication adherence. Journal of Psychosocial Nursing and Mental Health Services. 52(4): 48-57. doi:10.3928/02793695-20131126-08. Epub 2013 Dec 4.

William, J.W., Gerrity, M., Holsinger, T. et al. (2007). Systematic review of multfaceted interventions to improve depression care. General Hospital Psychiatry. 29:91-116. 

Depression – it’s not just in your head, it’s also in your genes

Lloyd I. Sederer, MD

97 healthy girls, ages 10 to 14, had saliva DNA samples taken. About half of them had moms with histories of depression, and about half had moms who did not. None of the girls had histories of depression. (1)

The girls whose moms had suffered depression had significant reductions in the length of their telomeres. We all want to understand telomeres, the caps at the ends of our DNA strands, because the longer they are the longer we tend to live – and live freer of age related illnesses like heart disease, stroke, dementia, diabetes, and osteoporosis. The girls whose moms didn’t have histories of depression, the control group of the study, did not show the same changes in their DNA as a result of reductions in the length of their telomeres.

The researchers took the study another step: they compared both groups of girls, the former or “high risk” group and the control or “low risk” group, by measuring their response to stressful mental tasks. The children of moms with depression had significantly higher levels of cortisol, our stress hormone, released during these tasks than those in the control group; both had normal levels of cortisol before the stressful tasks.

These findings are what scientists call associations, namely highly significant events found together that are unlikely to co-occur randomly. In themselves, they don’t prove one caused the other, but they suggest that something important, not accidental, is going on. This study demonstrated shorter telomeres in daughters of moms who had depression and greater hormonal reactivity to stress in these girls.

When the girls were followed until age 18, 60 % of those in the high risk group developed depression, a condition that was not evident when they were first studied. The telomere was a biomarker, an individual hallmark that a person is at higher risk for an illness– in this case for depression. We already knew that shortened telomeres were a risk factor for chronic, physical diseases but now the evidence is emerging for its likely role in depression.

Should you go out and get your saliva tested? There are labs happy to provide the test. But your decision should depend on whether you have reason to suspect being at risk, like a family history of maternal depression – which may be all you actually need to know. But information is only valuable if we can do something about it.

And we can. We have a growing set of tools to help control our stress responses: these include yoga, yogic breathing, meditation, cognitive training techniques, exercise, diet, and working to have supportive, stable relationships, and home and work environments. People at greater risk for stress-related diseases (mind you, we all are at risk it’s just a matter of degree) would be wise to learn and master these techniques early in life, and use them to live a healthier and longer life.

We also need to better detect and treat mothers who suffer from depression. We have strong evidence that untreated depression in moms impairs their attachment to their children and is associated with these children developing behavioral and emotional problems in childhood. If the moms are properly treated not only do they do better, so do their kids (2).

As we try to undo a long history of stigma about mental disorders and demonstrate they are illnesses that call for identification, early intervention, effective treatment, and prevention whenever possible, this telomere study is more evidence that depression is “…not just in our heads.” 

Understanding our genetic predispositions, developing reliable biomarkers, managing our environment and stresses, protecting ourselves from our harmful hormones, and having access to effective treatments are our best prescriptions for healthier and longer lives.

(1)    Telomere length and cortisol reactivity in children of depressed mothers, Gotlib, IH, LeMoult, J, et al, Molecular Psychiatry advance online publication, 30 September 2014; doi:10.1038/mp.2014.119

(2)    Weissman, M, et al, Remissions in Maternal Depression and Child Psychopathology A STARD CHILD Report , JAMA, March 22/29, 2006

………..

Dr. Sederer's book for families who have a member with a mental illness is The Family Guide to Mental Health Care (Foreword by Glenn Close). 

Dr. Sederer is a psychiatrist and public health physician. The views expressed here are entirely his own. He takes no support from any pharmaceutical or device company.

www.askdrlloyd.com -- Follow Lloyd I. Sederer, MD on Twitter: www.twitter.com/askdrlloyd

My longtime friend and colleague Dr. Joe Kort has been treating and writing about gender and sexual orientation issues for nearly three decades. In his Royal Oaks, MI practice, Joe specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy and IMAGO Relationship Therapy, often treating men who are questioning their sexual orientation. This population is the focus of his new and much needed book: Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? A Guide for Women Concerned About Their Men. I am pleased that Joe has written this book, as I have had to deal with these questions in my own practice relatively often, as have many other therapists. I recently spoke with Joe about the book, and I wanted to share a few of his thoughts below.

What prompted you to write this book?

There are two main reasons. Number one is the high incidence of male-female couples entering my office because the woman thinks her man might be gay. More often than not, he’s not gay or even bi. He’s actually straight, but for whatever reason he’s been looking at gay porn or he’s been having sex with men. Number two is that I wanted to write this book for the men themselves, because they’re usually very confused. A lot of the time these men come in on their own and they’re holding my book about coming out as gay, and they want to know, “Is this me? Am I gay?” Again, most of the time they’re not. And I think it’s very important to state right here that I’m a gay man, yet here I am saying that most of the time these men who are being sexual with other men aren’t gay. That’s unusual, because most gay men, even most gay therapists, believe that if a guy is having gay sex, he’s gay.

So how do you determine if a man is or isn’t gay?

There are some basic questions that I ask. These are covered in detail in the book. I should probably state up-front that these questions are based on my clinical experience, not on any scientific research, but I’ve been doing this for a very long time and I can assure you that these questions are definitely on-point. First off, I want to know if the man had any “youthful noticing.” Was he noticing other males in a sexual way when he was young? Most gay or bisexual men will say yes. A lot of the time they didn’t know what to call it, but they knew that they had an attraction to men – the locker room, the boy scouts or wherever. Straight men will say no. They almost never report youthful noticing.

I also use what I call the “beach test.” I always joke with clients that for me, as a gay man, when I’m walking on the beach and checking people out, the women are in the way. I’m looking at your boyfriend, so get out of the way. With gay clients, they say they feel the same way; with bisexual clients, they say they’re looking at both the men and the women; with straight clients, they say they’re looking only at the women. Straight guys don’t even notice the men.

Another thing that I look for is homophobia. When a man is in a long-term relationship with a woman but being sexual with men, either looking at porn or having actual sex, he either will or won’t be homophobic. Interestingly, it’s the gay men who are homophobic. The straight men have no homophobia at all – to the point where they’re willing to seek counseling from me, an openly gay therapist. A lot of times the gay men never even make it to me (without prompting from their wife, anyway) because they’re riddled with homophobia and I’m too gay for them. I threaten their sense of denial. So if a client is struggling with his sexual orientation and he’s got a lot of homophobia, he’s probably gay. The straight guys are not like that at all.

The final thing that I ask about is romance. Who does the man want to go to dinner and a show with, who does he want to spend the holidays with, who does he want to wake up next to in the morning? A gay guy wants to do all of that with a man, a bisexual guy might want a man or a woman, and the straight guy wants to only be with a woman in that way.

What is it, typically, that drives these men into treatment, whether it’s on their own or with their wife?

The Internet is doing it. Usually the wife discovers his history on the computer. He’s been looking at gay porn or he’s been hooking up with guys he meets through Craigslist.

Not Grindr?

A lot of them don’t know about Grindr. And that’s too gay for them anyway. Craigslist is where they go.

What are the psychological underpinnings for this behavior? And does that differ depending on the man’s true sexual orientation?

It does differ. The gay man is doing this because it’s his sexual identity. Even if he’s confused and doesn’t want to come out as gay, this is who he is and over time that will come out. He may be telling himself that it’s a purely sexual thing, just like the bi and straight guys are doing, but over time his true identity will come out.

For the straight men, the most common reason is sexual abuse. They’re reenacting the abuse. I call this returning to the scene of the sexual crime. Usually the way I find this out is I ask: “How are you having sex with these men? What exactly are you doing?” And they’re reenacting the abuse.

The second reason is kink. It’s a fetish. They might be into BDSM or they might be into power exchange, and they think they can only find that with a man. Or they might be into cuckholding, where two men and a woman are engaged in sexual play but one man is submissive and the other guy is dominant and the submissive guy gets the dominant guy hard. So it’s a fetish. It’s sex play between two men and a woman, but if the woman were to leave the scene the two men would be completely turned off.

Sometimes guys just want quick, anonymous sex, so they seek out another guy because women don’t generally have quick, anonymous sex. The person they are with doesn’t even matter to them, because it’s about the sex and not any sort of intimate connection. When a straight guy is giving oral sex, he doesn’t care what the other guy looks like. He probably doesn’t even remember that afterward. But the gay man cares. This can be tough for the woman to understand because male and female sexuality is so different. Women’s sexuality is more relational, whereas men’s sexuality is more about objectification.

Another factor is father hunger. It’s the search for a father, the search for masculine connection. So this is a way of bonding with men – ironically, through sex – and it happens not because the man is gay but because he doesn’t know any other way to get this need met.

Last but not least, a lot of guys are into anal stimulation and they’re afraid their wives won’t do it, or they’re too embarrassed to ask, or they’ve asked and their wives have said no. So they go find a guy who will take care of that for them.

They’re receiving anal sex?

Yes. And then they ask me if this makes them gay. My response is, “As a sex therapist, I have a duty to tell you that your anus doesn’t have a sexual orientation. It’s not gay or straight, it’s just your anus.” In other words, they’re doing this because to them it feels good. Then I tell them that a lot of gay men don’t do anal at all, either giving or receiving. They’re just not into it. So anal sex isn’t about sexual orientation.

Do the men in these relationships usually want to stay together?

Yes. And the wives do, too.

What advice do you give to these couples?

If the man is straight, the main goal is helping both parties understand why he’s been doing this. So I try to help them understand that this is about sexual abuse, or father hunger, or kink, or some other unexpressed need. Usually when the man understands this he can then stop the behavior, even though the desire doesn’t go away. And when the woman understands this she can start to connect with him on that level, supporting him and bonding with him instead of obsessing about what he’s done. Sometimes the relationship actually gets stronger over time as the partners develop compassion and understanding for one another.

If the man is gay, the relationship has less of a chance of survival. About a third of these mixed-orientation marriages end in divorce right away. In another third the couple stays together for two years and then divorces. And in the final third, half stay together long-term and half still end in divorce. The reason is that the guy really is gay and he wants to express that sexually and romantically. However, more and more of these couples are deciding to stay together, mostly after the age of 60.

When the man is bisexual it’s all over the map. In might depend on how bi he really is. Some guys are mostly heterosexual, and the marriage has a better chance in those cases. Sometimes with bisexual men there’s a period of time when it becomes very important for him to express his same-sex attraction. That might last for two months or two years, and then it may recede, but this typically causes all kinds of problems in the marriage.

Do the women always want the man’s same-sex behavior to stop?

Most of the time they do, because it’s threatening their marriage. Either they’re worried that their man will eventually decide he’s gay and end the relationship, or they want monogamy, and his cheating is a threat to the marriage regardless of who he’s doing it with. And I should point out here that the men, when they’re engaging in this behavior – regardless of whether they’re gay, straight or bi – nearly always tell themselves that what they’re doing is not cheating because they’re doing it with a guy. The women feel differently, of course, but the men only see that once their behavior is uncovered and they’re confronted. That said, I do see a lot of couples where the woman says she’s OK with the man continuing his behavior, as long as it’s only with other men. If he has a need that she can’t meet or doesn’t want to meet, then she’s OK with him cheating, as long as he’s not doing it with other women.

What advice do you have for the women in these relationships?

I always advise the women, and I write about this in the book, to not need all the details of what their man has done. It’s distracting and it doesn’t matter. I also want them to know that the marriage can survive. And finally, I try to make sure that the women in these relationships understand that their man’s behavior is not about them, it’s about him and his unmet needs. These are his issues, not hers, even though they can and usually do affect her and her relationship rather profoundly.

Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S is Senior Vice President of Clinical Development with Elements Behavioral Health. He is author of Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men and Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction,and co-author with Dr. Jennifer Schneider of both Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn, and Fantasy Obsession in the Internet Age and Closer Together, Further Apart: The Effect of Technology and the Internet on Parenting, Work, and Relationships. An author and subject expert on the relationship between digital technology and human sexuality, he has served as a media specialist for CNN, The Oprah Winfrey Network, the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and the Today Show, among others. For more information you can visit his website, www.robertweissmsw.com.

Forget what you've heard about comparing apples to oranges. It's often helpful to put your organization's diverse projects alongside each other and compare them. This is the point of maintaining a portfolio: to treat initiatives like investments and to weigh them against each other, balancing and maximizing the relative worth of these projects through disciplined decision-making and resource allocation.

Portfolios are objective, decisive tools that ensure a safer path to value. Since a portfolio depends on quantitative data and logic, it is an effective way of evaluating priorities in your organization. It will help you determine which projects are worth pursuing and which ones you should throw out.

Thinking in terms of portfolio management can help you achieve any of the following outcomes:

• Putting the best ideas on a clear and fast track to success
• Making sure the ideas with the most promise get the most resources
• Aligning new products and services with strategy
• Reducing risk in experimentation with new projects

First, determine the desired goals of your portfolio. These might include reducing failure rates, diversifying types of innovation, launching higher-impact initiatives, or leveraging innovation across business units and locations. Once you've agreed on a set of targets, you need to come up with tangible criteria for reward and risk measures so that you can concretely measure the potential success of an initiative.

Most people get too attached early on to ideas that simply won't pan out. It's harder to stop projects than it is to start new ones. Portfolio management is a quick way to see which ideas you need to abandon and which ones you need to support. Ask yourself these two questions: Does it maximize our value? Are we progressing? The answers to these questions will help you understand whether or not the given project is aligned with the goals of your organization.

For all the fast, reliable results of portfolio management, there are some downsides. A portfolio sometimes creates too few projects, depends on biased criteria, and encourages short-sighted thinking. Keep in mind these pitfalls as you make portfolio management work for you. Overcome this bias and be careful not to over-rely on the portfolio.

Think of the portfolio as a funnel: you launch many ideas at the beginning but, as you measure and compare their current and future values, you hold on to just a few. In the end, only the fittest will survive.

Social media touches every part of our lives, including our romantic relationships, parenting, work life, communication habits, and entertainment. Do you have a question about how social media is affecting your life or how to handle it? Send it! I'll answer one or two questions every Monday on this topic.

Dear Jen,

With all the overuse of social media, isn't it ruining our real friendships?

Sincerely,

Elizabeth in Illinois

Dear Elizabeth,

Your short question has a lot packed into it!

First, I don't think it's fair to call some friendships "real" if it implies others are fake. Online interaction is still communication, and two people can develop everything it means to be true friends in the online world.

Second, you say we are "overusing" social media, but I don't think I agree with that, either. Certainly, some people spend far too much time online or they hide behind online interactions. But most people don't. The average American spends 40 minutes on Facebook every day. That may sound like a lot, but we spend an average of five hours watching TV. It's something we use, but current rates are far from what I'd consider "overuse".

Finally, your actual question – is social media use hurting our offline relationships? Absolutely not.

This is a question I get a lot, and I point out to people that, as a professor, I'm surrounded by the demographic that spends the most time on social media. College students use these tools more than anyone else. Yet, the bars and parties and social events are always packed every weekend. It's a myth that young people (or any people) are giving up their in-person social interaction in favor of sitting alone in a room, hiding behind a screen.

Plus, social media is social. By one theory, we build strong relationships in four major ways: time spent together, sharing secrets, doing favors for one another, and sharing intense emotional experiences. Interaction online boosts the time we think about and interact with friends (even if that interaction is asynchronous), and by offering advice, likes, and comments, we show support (a favor). Online can also be a great way to share secrets. In other words, more online interaction can help strengthen an active offline relationship in many ways. It can also help us maintain relationships over distance that might other fade away.

Certainly, we don't want a world where people only interact through text and distance. There's a lot that comes through best in in-person interaction. But social media is not the enemy of that. It's a booster!

Good luck!
Jen

Got a social media advice question? Submit it to us (anonymously!) at http://goo.gl/forms/ER4pC6klKa

 Image creit Garry Knight

December 1, 2014

By now, you’ve probably heard of Alex from Target.  On November 1^st, Alex Lee was an ordinary 16-year old high-school kid earning some extra bucks as a Target cashier in Frisco, Texas.  By the next day, he was a worldwide internet celebrity, with 100,000 (now over 750,000) Twitter followers.  His smartphone buzzed and pinged ceaselessly, and he was soon to be interviewed by Ellen on national TV, catapulted to Hollywood fame in a viral rags-to-retweets tale that will be dissected by marketing analysts and web-wannabe’s for years to come.  So far, it seems that the internet magic was totally unrigged.  A teenage girl from Britain randomly came across a picture of Alex bagging purchases, enthusiastically tweeted it to her followers, and it caught fire.

Alex’s achievement?  He’s cute, and teenage girls love cute.  Who knew?

It seems like harmless fun, and Alex has certainly come across as a likeable beneficiary of crowd-clamor and Twitter-glamor.  It almost literally couldn’t have happened to a nicer kid.  (Though it’s not all good – his family’s social security numbers and financial information have been outed by hackers, and sadistic trolls and bullies have sent death threats.  Then there are all those annoying marriage proposals from 15-year olds.)  So what’s wrong with this picture, no pun intended?  If the internet can traffic in everything from cat memes to cat-calling videos, why not give it room to boost a nice kid to stardom?  After all, maybe some good can come out of it, for Alex, and perhaps for the causes he and his family hold dear.  In the end, isn’t it just another crazy day on the interwebs?  It’s not really an example of the decline and fall of Western civilization, as some commenters suggested, is it?

To be fair, probably not.  But it does illustrate something that has been with us probably since the dawn of time, but is now unfortunately accelerated in the Age of the Image, something we should be concerned about for both our own sanity and our childrens’ sake.

Lookism.

Almost all of us would accept (on the face of it, so to speak) that prettier people are advantaged in life.  Those blessed with good looks are perceived to be intelligent, competent, trustworthy and so forth, and some studies have linked looks to higher salaries and better jobs.  Studies have shown we are more likely to add friends on Facebook – people we don’t know – if their pictures are attractive to us.  The “Halo Effect”, biasing observers to favor attractive people in many ways, has effects on police and judicial systems.  Unconscious bias distorts our world in many ways – we also call it racism, sexism and homophobia, all prejudices based in part on looks, which are then wrongly imputed to have broader meanings about character, intelligence, etc.  At the very least, attractive people get more attention from others.  Like Alex, they are more popular.  Recently, Jeremy Meeks landed a modeling agent after a mugshot from his arrest went viral.  Needless to say, many of us (including middle-aged average looking folks like me) would say this is all a bit unfair.  No one said life was fair – but isn’t this something we can and should do something about?  

Discriminating against or advantaging someone on the basis of looks is at the heart of nearly all discrimination.  As a culture and in our laws, we no longer accept bias against people because of the color of their skin, gender, or perceived disability.  But we still routinely flaunt our prejudices based on visual appeal.  Up until a few decades ago, many municipalities fined the disfigured when they appeared in public, the so-called “ugly laws.”  Today, the Western world is exporting its standards of beauty (impossibly thin, fair-skinned models) to the rest of the world, with a resulting increase in eating disorders, plastic surgery, and skin-bleaching products in cultures where they were practically nonexistent before.  On an emotional level, our bias against those we deem unattractive causes isolation and certainly worsens psychological distress.  At its worst, this beauty bias results in harassment and bullying.  The plethora of dating apps that allow us to “swipe left” on people we deem superficially undesirable adds to the problem.  As a psychiatrist and friend, I’ve heard many tales of people who feel left out of the dating pool because others think they’re too short, too fat, too dark, or too “ugly”. 

We tell our children that what’s inside matters most.  “Don’t judge a book by its cover” is common household wisdom.  But when we share, even with the best intentions, a picture such as Alex’s, we may be perpetuating the most insidious form of discrimination yet described.  We may be effectively shunning and making outcastes of people we should be welcoming into community, people who have much to contribute to the – I’ll say it – beauty of the world.  Obviously, there are whole industries built on a narrow definition of “looks”:  but we now have some power and choice to exercise when we engage on social media.  If what we do shapes our neurons, we have a responsibility to shape our brains to be more inclusive, thoughtful and compassionate.

Think before you retweet.  What we do with our clicks and shares plays an important role in our evolution as individuals and as a global society. 

© 2014 Ravi Chandra, M.D. All rights reserved.  Subscribe by RSS above.  Sign up for a quarterly e-newsletter to be the first to find out about my upcoming book on the psychology of social networks through a Buddhist lens, Facebuddha:  Transcendence in the Age of Social Networks, at www.RaviChandraMD.com.  Facebook page: SanghaFrancisco-The Pacific Heart. Twitter @going2peace. Thanks for your shares on Facebook, etc.!