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Did Time Stop For You?

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I recently visited with Maureen, my daughter’s childhood friend who gave birth to Fawn, a tiny beauty with porcelain skin and clear, searching eyes. Maureen and I are emotionally connected. Her high intelligence and kindness has enriched my life for nearly thirty years. A successful marriage has temporarily transported her to the West Coast, so I do not see Maureen often. This brief visit with Maureen and her long hoped for daughter was very special. “Maureen, how is your Ph.D. going?” She is plodding towards a Ph.D. while caring for a baby.

“It’s hard to write,“ she began, “because Fawn’s schedule keeps me busy.” And, as I sat with them I could see what she meant. Unlike her customary focused gaze, Maureen drifted in and out of our conversation. Checking on the petite treasure that lay in her arms, she would catch the eye of the infant, smile her huge Maureen smile at Fawn, and return to our conversation without missing a beat of our dialogue. “But I do the best I can. I need to turn in a draft soon. It worries me. It is hard to concentrate on the Ph.D, because I want to be playing with Fawn. I forget about time when I am with her sometimes, it is so amazing to watch her develop. David and I feel very blessed.” As she spoke, Fawn began to become drowsy, and Maureen, feeling the energy change in her arms, immediately began to rock the baby as she talked with me. Masterful at double tracking, Maureen managed to stay quite engaged with me while being emotionally attached to her infant, but her priorities were clear.

My feelings were not hurt. Maureen is providing her daughter with the emotional bonding that is at the heart of human trust and self esteem. Maureen and Fawn are fully engaged, fully bonded, alive in the emotional moment of one day after another. Maureen is quite simply teaching Fawn what it feels like to flourish in our world. Lucky Fawn.

Optimal lives center around being emotionally connected to another person. Being fully present means connecting with another in the moment, and pushing away other commitments, future tasks or past events. As humans we need to be heard, to be seen, to know we matter. When I am with someone who is double tracking, they can often seem disinterested, giving me partial attention and looking away as they speak, leaving me with the concern that I am being disregarded. It is easy to feel unimportant.

Full engagement creates productive and creative interchange with someone you love. When I look fully at someone to see them as they are, I can even sense what they are feeling. If I then check in with myself, I can feel myself become available to the other person, which creates a moment of vibrant energy between us. Psychotherapy relies on this moment. It takes seconds to produce. Time stops for a short period as both people become lost in the interplay between them. Rational thought gives way to a moment of intense stimulation. This fully engaged interaction circle is the foundation of human attachment, and is at the very heart of living a flourishing life.

Infants attach to parents or parent surrogates to survive. The bonding they feel allows them to feel safe in our world when they are too small to care for themselves. Our pets do the same thing. But adults require as much security in loving someone else in order to thrive internally. Dr Susan Johnson writes clearly about securely attached adults who have positive views of themselves, their partners and their relationships. Comfortable with intimacy and independence they move in and out of a state of connectedness, concentrating on the stuff of their lives, then returning to the emotional relationship they call “home.” One can attach to a partner of gender, a child or other family member, a close friend, or a pet. Living fully connected to another person allows us to take wing and soar in our lives. And, as Maureen creates a safe emotional home for her treasured Fawn, Fawn learns to feel secure in our world and to explore it on her own. Sounds so simple, doesn’t it?

To Consider: Where is my emotional home? Do I attach securely to my partner, my friend, my child or my pet? How does this secure connectivity enable me to live a better life?

 

To Read: Susan Johnson. Hold Me Tight. Little Brown. NY 2008


The Deepest Fear

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“I should have gone over and said hello.”  But he didn’t.  Bill was an undergraduate in college who sat across from me, closed his eyes, tilted his head back and sighed. He had wanted to say hello to that girl for so long, but blew his chance. As a psychiatrist I hear similar stories all too often.  Lost opportunities.  Ruminations and what-ifs?  If only I had said hello.  If only I had gone over.  If only I hadn’t been so scared. 

This fear thing is out of control, but no need to be afraid!  

Fear is an emotion that has been around for hundreds of millions of years, if not longer. It’s just that now we have some words for it, and can describe its function: Fear is a warning.  We become afraid when we believe that something is threatening us.  Fear is normal and nothing to be afraid of.

Our brain is fine-tuned to perceive danger.  It does so reflexively. In an instant we determine if we are strong enough to stand our ground or approach the danger and drive it off.  If we think we are strong enough we activate anger, fight, approaching the offending agent with the intent to defend ourselves. We may take some time to calculate our method of attack, becoming more strategic.

If in that reflexive assessment of danger, however, we do not think we are strong enough to win, we activate fear, flight, designed to get us to run away.  Fear has to happen instantaneously or it is no good to us.  Any longer and we may already be eaten by a saber-tooth tiger.  Later we can reflect if there was danger at all.  It did you better if you ran and weren’t right about the danger, than stayed and were wrong. If you got it wrong you were lunch!  This fear reflex remains in our tool-box of survival strategies, enabling us to run away from saber-tooth tigers and live another day.

The problem is our fear reflex can turn on when we just think about saber-tooth tigers.  Bill, without realizing it, was afraid to go over to the girl-of-interest because he had activated his fear reflex.  “Wait a minute,” he said to me.  You mean I thought she was going to eat me?  Have me for lunch?” 

“What were you afraid she would do?” I asked in my most shrinky kind of voice.

Without hesitation Bill responded, “Based on Freudian psychoanalytic approach my oedipal conflict created fear in my ego from my superego’s moral outrage that she would accept my advances, create a relationship, and I would enact my worst nightmare of indeed possessing my mother.”

Not really.

What Bill actually said was “Well, duh, Dr. Shrand.  I was afraid she was going to reject me.”

I believe this is what we really fear.  In our heart of hearts I believe one human being simply wants to feel valued by another human being.  That’s what we want.  And when there is ever any chance that we will be devalued we activate fear and run like hell.

Why are we so invested in being valued?  It goes back to our emergence as a solitary individual always at risk of being prey to a predator.  Our survival potential took a dramatic evolutionary leap when we became social animals.  Within the protection of our group we had different options.  We could become reflexively afraid, but our strength in numbers made us a formidable foe. To remain part of that protective group you had to contribute something: you had to have value.

The new saber-toothed tiger is fearing we will be de-valued and rejected by our protective group.  That’s why Bill didn’t walk across the room.  On a deep and primal level his ancient fear had reflexively kicked in and he ran in the opposite direction.

I think the great antidote to fear is trust.  But that trust has to start by trusting yourself.  That’s what my I-M Approach is all about, a tool to rekinde our own sense of value so we can trust our I-Mperfect self.  I think we have so much fear in the world today because we have lost so much trust: in each other and ourselves.

Bill was very interested in what that girl would think about him.  We all do this, have an interest in what other people think or feel about us.  We fear we will be seen as doing less-than-we-can, not the best-that-we-can.  I have a tool that can turn that fear around.  Bill learnt it and used it and, (spoiler alert), he did get another chance and this time walked across the room and spoke to that girl.

Next week I will explore my I-M Approach, the idea that we are all doing the best we can at any moment in time: our I-M or current maximum potential.  I’ll talk about how it helped Bill to be able to walk over and meet that girl.  In the meantime, perhaps you want to start a thread about what things you fear.  I’ll start:  I’m afraid no one will write anything!

I hope you come back next week to learn more about what happened to Bill.  It’s an I-M thing.

 

Holiday Blues or Symptoms of a Concussion?

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Are you experiencing holiday blues or perhaps symptoms of a concussion?  The holidays are approaching and you are feeling overwhelmed.  You are feeling unorganized and distracted. When you are Christmas shopping, you get to the store then realize that you can’t even remember what you went there to purchase. The noise, music, and lights in the department store are giving you a headache and you just want to leave. You’re becoming more argumentative, your mind is always racing, and your sleep is shot. You are exhausted and fatigue is hitting you all at once. You noticed your vision is more blurred, especially when driving at night and bright head-lights are shining in your face. Sound familiar? I bet that if I were to ask you about these complaints, you would chalk it all up to the stress that comes with the holiday season. You’re no stranger to stress, and know that it can be quite stressful to get the family ready for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannukah, and New Years, and that this stress can cause these kinds of symptoms. Yet, you noticed that this year, the symptoms seem heightened and more frequent. Did you know that these symptoms may indicate that you have had a concussion? I doubt that with all of your busy holiday preparations, you would have given much thought to any seemingly harmless events, such as maybe a bump on the head after slipping on a patch of black ice? Or maybe a minor car accident that left you with a sore neck? Or maybe with all the snow, you thought you would get some skiing in before the holidays, and later joke with your friends about how you wiped out going down the ski-slope. When talking about these incidents with friends, people only tend to mention how other parts of their body hurt from these accidents, such as a sore wrist from falling on ice, or a sore neck or back from the car accident. However, what many people fail to realize it that these seemingly minor accidents can be the cause of a concussion. Because we don’t realize that we have had a concussion, we do not give the brain adequate time to heal, and then we experience symptoms of post concussion syndrome (PCS), which can become worse during the stressful holiday season.  …so again, is it holiday stress, or are you experiencing symptoms from a concussion? Are the symptoms that you are experiencing truly related to the holidays or did you have a concussion that you ignored or dismissed?   Has the stress of the holidays only heightening your post concussion symptoms to become more apparent?

Shedding Some Light on the Situation

Over 1.3 million people have had a concussion that has either been misdiagnosed or undetected. The chief causes are automobile accidents and falls. For example, there were over 20,000 people who experienced a blast injury at the Boston Marathon bombing, yet the majority of those people were only treated for physical injuries and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Sadly, they were not treated for post concussion symptoms from the blast injury, and I am sure that many of them are still experiencing these symptoms. Over the past three winters, including the present, the weather has caused more automobile accidents, skidding, and other weather related injuries than any other year. Many of those injured in these accidents were only treated for symptoms such as broken bones, bruises, and sprains, but not what was likely the most detrimental to their health – a concussion. Now, possibly years later, they are still experiencing symptoms resulting from a concussion, and these symptoms are referred to as post concussion syndrome.

Post Concussion Syndrome

Post Concussion Syndrome (PCS) symptoms often appear in clusters and may last for days, weeks, or longer. Intensified by fear and uncertainty, this syndrome can interfere with daily life and lead to frustration and despair, especially when its cause remains unknown. Unlike brain injuries detected through CAT scan, EEG, and MRI, Mild Traumatic Brain injury (mTBI) can only be accurately diagnosed through diagnostic testing that detects nerve cell damage, as in neuropsychological evaluation (testing that measures different aspects of brain function), SWI MRI, DTI MRI or QEEG. 

Symptoms of Post Concussion Syndrome

Physical Issues:

  • Fatigue
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Sensitivity to light and/or sound
  • Headaches
  • Falling asleep unexpectedly
  • Dizziness
  • Nightmares/flashbacks
  • Nausea and vomiting
  • Blurred vision
  • Hand or leg tremors
  • Hearing problems
  • Sexual dysfunction or loss of sex drive
  • Gait imbalance
  • Ringing in ears
  • Loss of taste and smell

Cognitive Issues:

  • Distractibility
  • Disorientation
  • Temporary amnesia
  • Long or short-term memory problems
  • Poor judgment
  • Slow thinking
  • Inability to focus
  • Attention problems
  • Problems remembering things that you heard
  • Problems with speaking
  • Word finding problems
  • Feelings of confusion

Emotional Issues:

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Agitation
  • Apathy
  • Fear of “going crazy”
  • Frustration or anger
  • Guilt or shame
  • Feelings of helplessness
  • Frequent mood changes

Behavioral Issues:

  • Confrontational attitude
  • Explosive temper
  • Fearfulness
  • Impatience
  • Thoughtlessness
  • Hypervigilance

Is it Stress?

Yes, it is certainly possible that stress can be causing some of these symptoms. Yet the difference between stress and PCS lies in the quality and quantity of the various symptoms. With PCS, your symptoms will be more severe than they would be with stress alone. And it is easy to chalk up these symptoms to the holidays, work and life in general, but try to think back and remember if you have hit your head or neck and left it untreated. Also keep in mind that stress only increases and heightens these symptoms of your concussion.    

Stress or Symptoms of a Concussion - What Should You Do?

1) Try as best as you can to reduce the amount of sweets, alcohol, pasta, and bread.  These will only make your symptoms worse.

2) Try as best as you can to pace yourself and get rest, drink lots of water, and eat as much protein as you can.  Check out the foods in an anti-inflammatory diet. You can find lots of recipes here

3) It is important to avoid noisy places with flashing lights, which can be very hard at this time of the year.

4)  If you were in an automobile accident, it is extremely important to contact a personal injury attorney who has experience with traumatic brain injury.  It is the holiday season and you might be reluctant to take time to get evaluated through neuropsychological testing, SWI MRI or getting an appointment with a neurologist who knows about the symptoms of concussion.   Yet, it is extremely important that you treat the cause (a brain injury) and not just the symptoms.

5) Be kind to yourself and pace yourself.

6) Remember that for every symptom there are many effective methods and techniques to help you regain your life again.  That is why I wrote the book,“Coping with Concussion and Mild Traumatic Brain Injury”

There is Help and Hope for your Symptoms.  There is a Way!® 

Copyright © 2014 Diane Roberts Stoler, Ed.D.

Social Bonding and Addiction

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The desire to belong arises from the brain reward system. Oxytocin, often referred to as the “trust hormone”, enhances brain reward system (joy and pleasure) in response to love and social bonding and contributes to long-term relationship. Oxytocin exerts a calming effect on the brain, and this appears to facilitate the formation of positive social bond in animals and humans. Perhaps when feelings of insecurity about separation are alleviated, people will simply have more friendly social interactions.

Soothing music can also release oxytocin in the brain. The power of music to arouse brain oxytocin was at the center of the 2004 film entitled The Story of Weeping Camel. In the movie about a family of nomad in Mongolia, one camel had just given birth, but with great difficulty. As a consequence, the mother camel showed little interest in her baby and refused to let it nurse. Tradition holds that the playing of violin can sway a camel and reconcile her with her calf. This is exactly what the family did. They brought a musician to the village and played to the mother and baby camels. After a while the mother camel began to weep and gradually moved closer to her baby, in the end allowing it to suckle.  Listening to the music and seeing the baby camel nearby, the mother camel associated the sound of the violin with her baby, and under the influence of the music accepted her infant.

Evidence shows that if you squirt oxytocin into people’s nostrils they enhance feelings of trust and empathy. This means that it is possible to fall in love with someone just because you had sex with them. With orgasm you get a flood of oxytocin that can cause a feeling of attachment to the person, and you acquire all the characteristics of an addict. You crave the person, and you do crazy things.

Oxytocin release also becomes subject to conditioning and various learning experience. For instance, one learns more easily to love people who resemble people one has loved before (similar to drug cues). Among smokers, the release of oxytocin triggered by suckling may contribute to the addictive quality of smoking, as well as to the immediate closeness often shown by smokers.

Social bonding can protect against addiction. The presence of strong social bonds in adulthood may decrease the vulnerability to drug abuse. Oxytocin can reduce the pleasure of drugs and feeling of stress. However, for those with impaired oxytocin system, drugs produce a more intense sense of pleasure. Genetics and environment are key factors in the development of oxytocin systems. Adversity (e.g., disturbed bonding or abuse, deprivation) in early life is key to the impaired development of the oxytocin system.

In sum, positive social interactions result in the release of oxytocin in the brain, which may be a natural way to reduce addictive behaviors and other psychological problems. For example, in individuals who are already addicted, close relationships between spouses aid in recovery from drug addiction. Similarly, the positive effects of social support groups like 12-step programs have shown to contribute to addiction treatment outcomes.

To Believe or Not Believe Bill Cosby's Accusers

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“I want people to think about choices,” Bill Cosby once said, and from the media blitzkrieg that’s suddenly transformed him from lionized to vilified, it appears that it’s high time he think about his. Whether it’s the choices he made in how he treated women, to the choices he now makes in falling silent (word up, Dr. Cosby, no one’s making “innuendos,” they’re coming straight out and saying that you raped them), it’s high time Cosby own up to his bad behavior. If, as some suggest, Cosby is innocent of the rape allegations against him, and is instead a victim of women who willingly took drugs he unlawfully offered them and willingly took off their clothes to please him, then he is, at best, a philandering lout who passes out drugs and treats women like toys he no longer wants to play with. If that’s the case, then it’s high time he do some introspection because his behavior has been so discomforting to others that it’s been badly misconstrued.

On the other hand if, as nearly two dozen women suggest, he is a serial rapist who should be imprisoned, not ending his days in the luxury of his Great Gatsby lifestyle, then he would be well served to reflect on the choices he made to engage in criminal behavior of the worst kind. The acts he has been accused of are violent, cruel, and repetitive, and a far cry more repulsive than hanging out on street corners swearing and smoking pot, as he so often castigates urban youth.

But are the accusations to be believed? Is Cosby being unjustly tried in the media with no presumption of innocence? I have been outspoken in my concern that celebrities, or anyone who finds themselves unjustly accused in the public eye, can be destroyed by accusation alone. I have expressed my concerns over the vilification of Paula Deen, and the demonization of Woody Allen. Deen’s admitted use of racially offensive language years prior led to a torrent of condemnation and professional damage, rather than a teachable moment. The escalating aggression against her knew no bounds, while the accusations themselves were primarily focused on her character. In contrast, the accusations against Woody Allen were grave, but limited to those of a single young woman speaking of a time when she was a child during an acrimonious divorce. A single accusation that may well have been a false memory was taken as fact by a media that at the very same time lauded Cosby and ignored the many accusations made against him, not by a pretty young woman of famed parentage but by, at that time, already over a dozen unknown middle-aged women past their youthful prime.

Yet in the case of the accusations against Bill Cosby, it’s time we prick up our ears. Cosby was presumed innocent by the media for decades when it silenced his accusers, honored and feted him and ignored all the rumors. Now, thanks to a comedy skit, that presumption of innocence is giving way to serious concern that a dangerous, predatory criminal has used the power of his wealth and celebrity to drug and rape without remorse, accountability or restraint.

“The absolute truth,” Cosby once said, “is that there is no power in celebrity.” If that be the case, then let the media treat him as they would anyone else living in the community who has been accused by nearly two dozen women of rape and poisoning, and start investigating the allegations. But why should the women be believed? Just because someone cries rape, doesn’t make it so. And just because many people say it, doesn’t make it so, if there is sudden fame and profit to be had in making the accusations.

Mob hysteria has long been known to trigger an onslaught of false accusations, as multiple people join in and testify to atrocities the target allegedly committed, revising their memories to make past experiences fit the paradigm of accusation, whether that be witchcraft, sex abuse by daycare workers, or politically incorrect thinking. But in such cases, there is a specific pattern that the accusations take. When made in large numbers, they are almost always made by or on behalf of children, mentally disabled, or other groups who are highly suggestible and/or under strong social pressure to align their perceptions with those of others in a position of authority.

When false but collective accusations are made by adults, the details will tend to mimic each other, with little to no variation if they come at or about the same time, and increasingly bizarre behavior alleged over time; they will often be made by people who may have had no contact at all with the target; they will be limited to a handful at most; and if there is no profit to be directly made by the accusations, there will be someone in a position of power over the accusers who has a vested interest in the outcome. Workplace mobbing is just such a context where a person may find themselves falsely accused of sexual harassment, discrimination or threatening behavior, and be stunned to discover that the accusations multiply and intensify. But when that happens, those making the accusations are under the authority of those in organizational power who have publicly communicated that they want the target gone, and while gossip might swirl unrestrained, only a handful will come forward with false accusations.

Sixteen, seventeen, or eighteen people coming forward with allegations is a different story altogether, especially when those making the allegations are not under the authority or influence of anyone in power. There may now be a social tide making allegations against Cosby fertile ground, but there is no one in power or influence over the accusers who stands to gain from Cosby’s downfall. Moreover, when the general actions that are alleged are consistent, but significant details vary (he placed a hand on his groin, he forced oral sex, he compelled stimulation of his penis, he climbed on top and penetrated) the accusations become more credible, not less so, because human behavior does vary. We tend to behave in predictable and patterned ways, but the details of our behaviors will deviate to fit changing contexts, moods and factors. Had every woman who accused Cosby said he used the exact same words, done the exact same thing, then it would be more suspect. But the variations in detail, along with the overall pattern, are compelling. Moreover, the accusations have increased in number, but the nature of the accusations has not become increasingly bizarre. They continue to stick to the same theme of drugging, removing clothing, groping or raping. No new weapons, no increasingly violent behavior, none of the escalating patterns that characterize false rumors that morph into outright accusations.

To better understand the distinction between credible and suspect accusations made by more than one accuser, let’s turn to another case of collective accusation against a celebrated African American male, the statutory rape allegations against puppeteer Kevin Clash, the brilliant artist who brought us Sesame Street’s Elmo. In November of 2012, a 23 year old man, Sheldon Stevens, accused Clash of initiating a sexual relationship with him which began, he alleged, when Stevens was 16 years old. Clash admitted he was in a sexual relationship with Stevens, but said that it was consensual and began when Stevens was an adult. Stevens, who was later convicted of stealing pension checks, revoked the allegation, only to reinstate it when another young man emerged, and then another, making similar accusations and filing lawsuits against Clash. None claimed to have been forcefully raped, but all claimed to have been under the age of 18 and coerced into a sexual relationship which was consistently described as “affectionate.” All three lawsuits were tossed out because they were past the statute of limitations, while Clash was forced to resign from Sesame Street and his career was effectively destroyed. The media reported the accusations, but never engaged in the vilification that has characterized the treatment of Deen, Allen, and now seemingly, Cosby. So what makes the accusations against Clash any less credible than the allegations against Cosby?

No one can know with certainty whether Clash engaged in sexual relationships with young men he knew to be teenagers. But the accusations were directly tied to monetary profit—each filed a lawsuit seeking monetary gain. In contrast, only one of Cosby’s accusers has sought monetary gain through a lawsuit, and she did not do so until after going to the police (though another, Louisa Moritz, has indicated she is hoping to persuade others to join her in a class action suit against Cosby; none has thus far indicated that she will do so). Moreover, the accusations against Clash stopped abruptly, once the lawsuits were thrown out. Had Clash been the predatory pedophile the lawsuits suggested he was, it is highly likely that just as happened with Cosby, many more alleged victims would have come forward, uncontent to be silenced just because monetary reward was no longer on the table.

In short, the accusations against Clash, while plausible, are also suspect because they came at a time when money could be made and they stopped as abruptly as they started. In contrast, the allegations against Cosby have been made by nearly two dozen professional women who have little to nothing to gain from the accusations, and quite a bit to lose. The claims against Clash are that he “groomed” the accusers “with attention and affection.” The claims against Cosby are that he insulted, humiliated, drugged and raped women. Those are not accusations lending themselves to opportunistic profit. Those are serious accusations of felony crimes that while one or two women might falsely make, nearly twenty mature and professional women will not make.

“Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them,” Bill Cosby once said, and from the looks of things, he didn’t just rewrite the rules, he tossed them out altogether. But the rules do apply to him, as well, and it’s high time he be held accountable. It may be well past the time for any accountability in the courtroom, but accountability to the women who stand before him in the public eye is long overdue. “I think you need to make responsibility something that’s not just a word,” Cosby’s preached. It’s time he does just that, and own up to how he’s treated women.

 

Rest in Center

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Are you all over the place?

The Practice:
Rest in center.

Why?

Gravity and entropy are powerful processes in the natural world. Gravity draws things together, toward a center, while entropy scatters them into disorder. In much the same way, in our own lives, some things bring us to center, while others disturb and disperse us.

In terms of centering, be aware of your whole body as you take a long slow breath, or think of something you're glad about. You'll probably feel more at home in yourself, more drawn into your own core rather than feeling like Garfield the cartoon cat, spreadeagled up against a pane of glass.

In terms of feeling scattered, notice what it's like to do multi-tasking, the mind drawn in several directions at once. Or what it's like to open your email in-box and see twenty or more new ones calling to you. Walking down the street or through a mall, see how your attention moves out to various objects of desire: this attractive person, that shiny car, this pretty sweater, that cool new cell phone, and so on: for a few seconds at a time if not longer, you're dispersed out and away from your calm, clear, autonomous center. And if you have any tendencies toward over-eating, -drinking, -sexing, -shopping, -etc., this dispersal gets more extreme.

Centered or scattered: it's not a subtle distinction that's just for yoga camp. When we feel grounded in a sense of center, we're more resilient; it's also harder to intimidate us with fear or manipulate us with greed. On the other hand, when we feel scattered, that's stressful and thus bad for well-being and health. Plus it makes us more distracted and impulsive, and more prone to conflicts with others, and to compulsive or addictive behaviors.

When I've felt scattered, it wasn't the end of the world. But it wasn't good for me, or for others.

It feels a lot better to rest in center.

How?

Most of the inputs into your brain come from inside your own body, from your heart and lungs and other organs. Ancient structures in your brainstem and subcortex, such as the hypothalamus, begin the process of turning these signals into the fundamental feeling of what it's like to be alive. Then more recently evolved regions of your brain - the insulas (or "insulae") inside each of the temporal lobes on the sides of your head - refine these signals further into the embodied feeling of coherent, continuous be-ing. This primal sense of being a body is at the core of the stream of consciousness, and unless you are in extreme pain, tuning into it is immediately centering.

So follow the internal sensations of a single breath - the movements of the diaphragm just under your ribcage, the expansion and contraction of the chest, the coolness of inhaling compared to exhaling - and notice how this feels. Try this for ten breaths, counting them softly in your mind if you like. You could also be particularly aware of breathing in the area of your heart, or in the center of gravity of the body a few inches below your navel.

See if you can get a sense of your body as a whole, along with an attitude of acceptance, not judging. Doing this will tend to activate neural networks on the sides of your brain that support the sense of being peacefully present in the moment; it will also reduce activation in the "default network" running down the middle and top of your brain that fosters mind wandering and taking life too personally.

Fear tends to scatter the mind into frantic fleeing, fighting, or freezing, so as you tune into your body, register that you are basically alright right now . . . now and now and now . . .

Also tune into your good intentions, the goodness altogether at the core of you. Know your own benevolence, your compassion and kindness. This knowing is very centering.

Be aware of desires darting out into the world, reaching for this, pushing away that. Feel what it's like to rest more in balance, present with life but not disturbed by compulsive desires. Open to a healthy disenchantment about the actual results of chasing this or going to war with that.

In upsetting situations or relationships, you could find refuge - a kind of center - in the answers to these questions: What's really true? What matters most? What's out of my hands? What are the most important things to do, and to be?

Even when we are anxious, sad, irritated, feeling inadequate, or depressed, there is a deeper place that is undisturbed. Awareness keeps working, the peaceful space in which experiences come and go. Deep down there is an inviolate wisdom, a "still, small voice" at the heart of you. To borrow a metaphor from The Lord of the Rings, no matter how thick and dark the clouds, stars are always still shining, filling empty space with light.

Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a neuropsychologist, Senior Fellow of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, and New York Times best-selling author. His books include Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence (in 14 languages), Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom (in 25 languages), Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time (in 14 languages), and Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships. Founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, he’s been an invited speaker at Oxford, Stanford, and Harvard, and taught in meditation centers worldwide. A summa cum laude graduate of UCLA, his work has been featured on CBS, BBC, NPR, CBC, FoxBusiness, Consumer Reports Health, U.S. News and World Report,andO Magazine, and he has several audio programs with Sounds True. His weekly e-newsletter – Just One Thing– has over 100,000 subscribers and also appears on Huffington Post, Psychology Today, and other major websites.

For more information, please see his full profile at www.RickHanson.net.

(Image rgbstock)

Seinfeld Recants Autism Diagnosis

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So now Jerry Seinfeld isn’t autistic after all.  When asked about his controversial self-diagnosis by a reporter from Access Hollywood last week, Seinfeld said definitively, “I don’t have autism. I’m not on the spectrum.”

I completely respect Seinfeld for not being afraid to reverse his position once he realized his previous statement was being taken literally when it seems he was speaking metaphorically:  “I just was watching this play about [autism] and thought, why am I relating to something?” he clarified. “I related to it on some level. That’s all I was saying.”

Seinfeld is far from alone in his casual use of strictly defined terms from the mental health arena. Advocate Rebecca Fuoco recently posted an article onHuffington Post about this very issue. “Using names or acronyms of mental illnesses to hyperbolize innocuous idiosyncrasies and experiences has become pervasive in our cultural dialogue,” she observed.

Fuoco didn’t include autism in her list of examples – focusing instead on OCD, PTSD and schizophrenia – but she very easily could have. In 2012, New York magazine published a piece by Benjamin Wallace about exactly this, how “Asperger’s” and “autism” have become a “one-stop shopping shorthand for the jerky husband, the socially inept plutocrat, the tactless boss, the child prodigy with no friends, the remorseless criminal…some murky hybrid of egghead and aloof.”

But as tempting as it is to toss around diagnostic labels, it’s a dangerous game – as Seinfeld discovered when he faced an onslaught of criticism from parents whose autistic children suffer devastating impairments. Fuoco agrees:  “It is important we end this trend…because making these flippant references (1) trivializes how devastating the illnesses can be and (2) perpetuates myths and misunderstandings.”

It’s also fundamentally dishonest. “Having Asperger’s-like syndrome does not give you Asperger’s,” argues a therapist quoted in the New York essay.  And although the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders no longer recognizes Asperger’s as a separate diagnosis, the diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder are very clear, requiring that symptoms “cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.” In other words, those who argue that autism is just a difference, not a disability, are wrong by definition. If a person’s symptoms aren’t disabling – which I think is a fair synonym for “clinically significant impairment” – then s/he doesn’t meet the criteria for an autism diagnosis.  That’s not to say there aren’t high-functioning individuals with autism, because of course there are many. Their symptoms may be less obviously disabling than those on the severe end of the spectrum, but they are often isolating, resulting in limited social and employment opportunities. One 2013 study found that over 80% of autistics aged 21-25 still lived at home.  

What to do? Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s much we can do to redeem the word “autism.” The general public is much more likely now to associate quirkiness, even brilliance, with autism than the profound challenges more typically faced by those with the disorder, who are often intellectually disabled (40%), non-verbal (25%), aggressive and/or self-injurious (50%) and prone to dangerous wandering (50%).  But the Seinfeld controversy did raise a cry I’ve heard before, to undo the work of DSM-5, which merged Asperger’s, PDD-NOS and Rett Syndrome into the larger autism diagnosis. “What I am proposing,” wrote Marie Myung-OK Lee inSalon, “is separating the high-functioning end of the spectrum – perhaps calling it something else – so that we can focus on the urgent and looming issue at hand.” Alison Singer, president of Autism Science Foundation, believes it’s severe autism that needs a new name: “If autistic self-advocates are so proud of their autism, they can keep the term. We could then choose a new word to describe the type of autism that is relentless, aggressive, abusive, painful, constant and overwhelming.”

This type of classification is used in other disorders, especially those that, like autism, fall along a broad continuum. Many people have varying degrees of visual impairment, but only those at the tail end of the spectrum are blind. Those individuals who meet clinical definitions of deafness or obesity certainly have some things in common with those who are hard of hearing or overweight, but the severity of these cases necessitates greater support and intervention, and everyone easily appreciates those differences.

Not only would this change clarify matters for the general public, but I really believe it would bring peace to the enormous and deeply divided autism community. Autistic self-advocates and parents of severely autistic children are constantly at war over whether or not autism should be cured and the best types of treatments, educational strategies and accommodations we should pursue with our always limited local and federal budgets. Separating out these diagnoses would let those most affected by each pursue the most appropriate agenda, which seems like it would be a win-win for everybody.

Why Some Women Are Burning Out in Their 20's and 30's

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“Everyone’s driven. But everyone’s also sick of it,” according to Nicolet High School senior, Sammi Castle, whose story recently appeared in a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel article called, “Achievers’ syndrome.” Three back-to-back teen suicides in 2013 prompted a group of parents in the North Shore area of Milwaukee to start looking into ways to build wellness and promote coping techniques among high-achieving, stressed-out teens.

Sammi’s story got me thinking about how burnout evolves, particularly, in women and girls. Burnout is a state of chronic stress that is characterized by a combination of exhaustion, cynicism and inefficacy. I call burnout a disease of disengagement. 

The Seeds of Burnout Get Planted Early…

The seeds of burnout get planted as early as high school. High-achieving girls and boys get the message early on that if they are to get into a top school and succeed in life, they must excel in every area – grades, friendships, volunteering, extracurricular activities and more. 

Messages about self-care and the importance of recovery aren’t always sent as strongly as messages about achievement and success, and that has implications for how women eventually work, live, and parent.

The 4 Stages of a Woman’s Career…

Psychologist Barbara White described the four broad career stages that women pass through as follows:

1. Early career development

2. Early 30’s transition

3. Settling down – Late 30’s transition

4. Achievement and maintenance

While these stages aren’t necessarily unique to women, each of these stages are pivot points for women and burnout often appears at one or more of these pivot points.

In their late 20’s and early 30’s, many women have left their personal lives and self-care in the dust because they are busy being busy and driven and hope to find some sense of balance in their overwhelmed lives. In addition, many women want to build long-term relationships and start families.

In their late 30’s and beyond, other women burn out realizing that they’ve devoted many years to a career that is no longer fulfilling and are looking to find more meaning and purpose. This might mean re-crafting an existing job, finding vitality again through a hobby, or changing careers altogether.

Beliefs That Keep Smart Women Stuck & Overwhelmed...

Beating burnout requires that you step into your most authentic self, and that involves confronting the beliefs and mindsets that aren’t working for you. Some of the ones I hear most frequently that keep women stuck and overwhelmed are:

** I have to achieve more

** Good mothers are/do/don’t __________________ (fill in the blank – always home to cook dinner; must put their kids to bed every night; don’t leave their kids at daycare, etc.)

** I can handle it all on my own

** It’s right to put others first; I’ll worry about myself later

** I have to be perfect

** I can’t be perceived as weak (I hear this one from a lot of men too)

In addition, many smart women have developed something called a fixed mindset – the belief that their ability is limited or fixed. Smart girls with fixed mindsets believe that they were born with only so much intelligence, creativity, athletic ability, etc., and no amount of additional effort will grow these capacities. As a result, smart women and girls aren’t always comfortable getting outside of their comfort zones and play it safe rather than risk failing. 

High-Achieving Men Burn Out Too, But…

And, let’s not forget the men. Yes, many men burn out too, but here’s the catch. Very few men stop to raise their hands and say, “Help, I have a problem” or “Wait, I want more out of my life too.” As it turns out, men may “process” burnout differently than women.

One study found that of the three burnout dimensions (exhaustion, cynicism and inefficacy), women tend to experience exhaustion first, followed by cynicism, then inefficacy – they don’t think they are being effective at work or at home so they stop to evaluate. Men, on the other hand, tend to experience cynicism first, then exhaustion. Interestingly, many of the men in the study kept working because they didn’t feel as though the symptoms from the first two stages impacted their quality of work. They didn’t reach the inefficacy stage because they thought they were still being effective.

One Solution Strategy…

There are many research-based burnout prevention strategies that I teach and coach. One of my favorites is for you to determine what kind of giver you are. You can start by going to Dr. Adam Grant’s website, www.giveandtake.com, to assess your style. Dr. Grant has discovered a number of different sub-sets of givers, two of which are “selfless” givers and “otherish” givers.

Selfless givers give their time and energy without regard to their own needs (hey – it’s 3pm and I haven’t eaten yet today!). Selfless giving, in the absence of recovery, becomes overwhelming and can drive burnout. Otherish givers, however, find a way to balance giving with their own self-interest and self-care. As you probably guessed, selfless givers are more likely to burn out.

Burnout is a complex illness and it takes time to unravel all of the pieces that go into your own burnout puzzle. If you are interested in sharing your burnout story with me, I’d love to hear it. I’d also love to hear about the ways you are staying driven without burning out.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Paula Davis-Laack, JD, MAPP is a burnout prevention expert who has trained and coached thousands of professionals to break their addiction to being busy by building more happiness, health, and resilience. 

She is frequently cited in the media, and is available for commentary and speaking opportunities.

Please connect with Paula at www.pauladavislaack.com and paula@pauladavislaack.com. 

 

References

Dweck, D. (2006). Mindset. New York: Ballantine Books.

Grant, A. (2013). Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success. New York: Viking.

Meyerhofer, K. “Achievers’ syndrome.” Appeared in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel on October 25, 2014.

White, B. (1995). The career development of successful women. Women in Management Review, 10(3), 4-15.

 


Obama's Passage to India

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President Obama announced yesterday that he will be visiting India for the second time early next year, and as the first U.S. President to attend India’s Republic Day, he will be making a historic passage to India that even he could not have imagined.

This is a rite de passage for both nations, made possible by the election of Prime Minister Modi, the vibrancy of the Indian people, and the long line of American diplomats who have kept alive the idea of India, including the recent push by the administration – VP Biden, Sec. Kerry, Sec. Clinton, and Sec. Hagel – all travelling to India on recent diplomatic missions.

B.R. Ambedkar, the father of India’s constitution, who shares the same alma mater with President Obama, Columbia University, must be smiling now from above.

On the 65th anniversary of India’s constitution, January 26th, 2015, the largest populist democracy in the world, a visit from an American president, where “the Bill of Rights” was ratified 225 years ago, may be a fitting tribute to a triumphant experiment.

While they come from wildly different perspectives -- Modi leads the Indian conservative party BJP and Obama is the head the liberal DNC -- the two leaders have a few rare things in common.

President Obama meeting PM Modi in Washington, DCBoth spent their formative years in a developing country, in the backwaters of small towns and villages, in the heyday of post-colonialism. Obama spent his early childhood in a kampong in Jakarta, Indonesia, in the late 1960’s, while Modi in the state of Vadnagar, Gujarat, when he was tea-vendor.

Both have known poverty first-hand and have an uncanny capacity to tune into the masses. For complex historical and personal reasons, both Obama and Modi admire Gandhi, the father of Indian democracy. Both are inheritors of the century old legacy of the civil disobedience and civil rights movement that stretches back to South Africa. 

Both leaders were elected as change candidates in a wave of populist support with exceedingly high expectations. ‘Yes, we can!’ Both used this popular slogan to excite the masses.  But the reality of governing is much, much harder.  You have to build coalitions, meet the other side more than half-way.  Sometimes, it may require more than just the twisting or bending of arms. Politics is a tough sport, not for the faint hearted. 

As a successful politician, you must know how to deal with “the art of the compromise.”  Most of the governing process is about knowing “how to bake half-a-loaf” and to be “an eternal optimist.”   

Here, President Obama may be able to transfer some lessons to Prime Minister Modi, whose job of reforming India will only become challenging –

  • Time waits for no one, especially, with gyrating polls and seesaw approval ratings.   

  • Successful leaders grab history by the horns and try to bend it. 

  • Change may not always work out to your liking, but when you're busy wrestling with history – to bend the human condition towards justice – you might inspire a movement of people. 

This is the essence of great leadership. What more can you expect from an inspiring leader?

http://www.amazon.com/The-Global-Obama-Crossroads-Leadership/dp/1848726260

http://dineshjsharma.com/

Dinesh Sharma in the East Room at the WH 

 

Understanding Beliefs

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Understanding Beliefs

I became interested in the subject of beliefs through my research in artificial intelligence (AI) and robotics.  Many AI systems represent their knowledge as declarative statements in special computer-understandable languages.  AI researchers often call these statements “beliefs.”  For example, Watson, the IBM computer system that competed and won on the quiz program Jeopardy!, had access to millions of declarative statements accessible from huge databases of textual information.  And the autonomous automobiles being developed by Google have access to the California vehicle code, among other things, to help them drive safely and avoid infractions.  All of this textual data can be thought of as sets of beliefs.

I think we humans are pretty much in the same boat as these kinds of computer systems. We have lots and lots of beliefs, and we use them for many purposes: to guide our actions, to make predictions, to understand and explain things, to inspire confidence (or trepidation), and even to entertain.  In my new book, Understanding Beliefs, recently published by MIT Press, I describe these various roles of beliefs, how we acquire them, and how we can evaluate them.  I also examine the topics of “truth” and “reality” from the points of view adopted in the book.  What follows is a summary of some of these ideas.

Many of our beliefs have degrees of confidence or strengths.  We believe some propositions very, very strongly.  We are even tempted to say that those beliefs are “true.”  Others are less firmly held, and we might think of them as only probable – not certain. We often use probabilities as measures of belief strength. For example, following a prediction by a weather forecaster, we might say that there is a 70% chance of rain tomorrow.  Or, we might quote two-to-one odds that a particular football team will make it to the Super Bowl. Watson used probabilities also as measures of its certainty when it competed on Jeopardy!. For example, it had a confidence of 85% when it answered “Sir Christopher Wren” as the designer of Pembroke College.

It is important to examine and evaluate our beliefs because acting on them can have profound effects – both good and bad.  One way to evaluate a belief is to consider the opinions of experts. For example, to evaluate whether or not the world climate is changing, we might consider what the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPPC, http://www.ipcc.ch/) has concluded. 

Experts typically consider two things when they evaluate a proposition.  First, they consider its consequences.  For example, if the climate is changing, what are the likely consequences?  Are the polar ice caps melting?  Are deciduous trees budding earlier and shedding leaves later in the world’s temperate zones?  If those and similar propositions have high probability, based on evidence, they help raise the probability of climate change itself – giving it extra “points,” as it were.

Second, if the climate is changing, what are its likely causes and explanations?  Is atmospheric carbon dioxide, a “greenhouse gas,” increasing?  If the causes and explanations for climate change themselves have high probability, based on evidence, they too help raise the probability of climate change.  So, in addition to taking into account the beliefs of experts, we can become our own experts by carefully considering consequences and explanations.

Beliefs, their consequences, and their explanations can all be linked together in a network of connections.  In AI, such structures are called Bayesian Belief Networks, and the probabilities of each “belief node” in such a network affect the probabilities of all of the other belief nodes.  Belief networks have many applications in computer science, from genomics to medical diagnosis.  Whether in humans or in machines, the interlinking of beliefs and their strengths affects the strengths of other beliefs – especially the strengths of closely related beliefs.

As I mentioned earlier, when we hold a belief with very, very high strength, we say it is “true.”  I think that saying that something is true is just a way of saying we hold it with high strength.  I don’t think there is any way to define truth as being something “out there,” independent of belief.  Philosophical “realists” claim (among other things) that a statement is “true” when its referents in “reality” hold.  For example, according to the correspondence theory of truth, the statement “Coal is black” is true if the substance in reality denoted by the word “coal” has the property in reality denoted by the word “black.”  But objects, substances, and properties are themselves just words – invented by us to help us carve up the world.  As a slang expression would have it “reality doesn’t know from coal and black,” it just is.  We cannot apprehend reality directly; we can only attempt to describe it with theories and beliefs.

People who have read and have commented on my book continue to ask questions like, “But how do we decide whether or not something is really true?” Even to ask such a question belies a realist philosophical orientation.  Instead, they should ask, “How can we best evaluate the strength of a belief?” Some people even complain that my book has not given arguments against philosophical realism.  My attitude is, I don’t have to.  The philosophical position espoused in my book, that there is no such thing as Truth (capital “T”), is a very conservative one – a null hypothesis, so to speak.  I think it’s up to those who want to argue against a null hypothesis to give convincing arguments for their less conservative positions.  So far, all the arguments I have heard are circular, depending as they do, on tacitly accepting a realist position.

If you read my book, I’d be very happy to receive comments, criticisms, and suggestions!  I may respond to some of them on this blog.

 

Nils Nilsson

Home page: http://ai.stanford.edu/~nilsson/

Email: nilsson@cs.stanford.edu

Big-Balled Males Kill Infants More than the Less Endowed

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A brief essay in a recent issue of New Scientist magazine called "Infanticide drives female promiscuity and big balls" caught my eye. (The title for the print edition of this essay is "Big balls a sign of mammal infanticide.") The essay is a summary of a research paper published in Science magazine by researchers Dieter Lukas and Elise Huchard with the less flashy title, "The evolution of infanticide by males in mammalian societies."

The original paper is only available to subscribers and was widely reviewed in popular media, including Carl Zimmer's essay in the New York Times called "Unraveling Why Some Mammals Kill Off Infants." Mr. Zimmer writes, "The authors of the new study, Dieter Lukas and Elise Huchard, started by plowing through the scientific literature, looking for evidence of infanticide in a variety of mammalian species. The researchers ended up with data on 260 species, and in 119 of them — over 45 percent — males had been observed killing unrelated young animals." Furthermore, infanticide evolved because "Killing the offspring of other males can free up females for reproduction and widen the window of opportunity for new males, leading to more offspring for them." Forty years ago renowned researcher Sarah Blaffer Hrdy put forth the same idea based on her research on Hanuman langurs in India.

"Great balls of fury"

One aspect of the study that Mr. Zimmer didn't cover concerned the strong relationship infanticide and testicle size. The New Scientist summary focused on this and began, "GREAT balls of fury. Large testicles could be a giveaway sign that the males of a species are given to killing their rivals' offspring." It concluded, "A female evolutionary response to infanticide is to become promiscuous, which blurs the paternity of their offspring. That in turn forces males into a race to produce more sperm and boost their chances of fatherhood, so they grow larger testicles." It's highly likely there would be some limiting factors on testicle size and that stabilizing selection would come into play. 

Stay tuned for more on the fascinating world of the animals with whom we share out magnificent planet. This essay made me think about Jerry Lee Lewis's popular song, Great Balls of Fire. I bet he didn't know that he was touching on evolutionary theory.

The teaser image and a discussion of the relationship between testicle size and mating systems can be seen here.

Marc Bekoff's latest books are Jasper's story: Saving moon bears (with Jill Robinson; see also)Ignoring nature no more: The case for compassionate conservation (see also)Why dogs hump and bees get depressed (see also), and Rewilding our hearts: Building pathways of compassion and coexistenceThe Jane effect: Celebrating Jane Goodall (edited with Dale Peterson) will be published in 2015. (marcbekoff.com@MarcBekoff

 

 

 

Is it Time to Fire My Therapist?

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As a psychotherapist,  a teacher of therapists, and a psychotherapy researcher, it is not unusual for friends, students and acquaintances to describe frustrating or distressing experiences they are having in their own therapy, and to ask my opinion about whether they should stay in their current treatment, or consider looking around for another therapist. In some respects this is a difficult question to answer. Different therapists and therapeutic approaches are right for different people, and it’s hard to judge any relationship from the outside. If you’re wondering if your therapist is the right one for you, however, there are some general guidelines worth keeping in mind.

Over fifty years of psychotherapy research have demonstrated that a variety of different types of psychotherapy can be helpful for a range of emotional problems, that therapy is as effective or more effective than medication for many problems, that the benefits of psychotherapy are, as a rule, more enduring than the benefits of medication, and that therapy does not have the side effects commonly with medications.

Nevertheless, approximately 30% of people receiving psychotherapy do not benefit, and up to 8% experience a worsening of their problems.  So if you are having concerns about your current therapist or the treatment you are undergoing, how can you know when it’s worth sticking things out for a while to see if things change for the better, or whether it’s time to say goodbye? 

Over the last thirty years the research has shown that one of the best predictors of treatment success is the quality of what therapists and researchers call the therapeutic alliance.  The therapeutic alliance consists of three dimensions: 1) the degree of agreement between therapists and patients about what the goals of treatment are, 2) the degree of agreement about how best to work collaboratively towards these goals, and 3) the extent to which patients feel their therapist are trustworthy, understand them and treat them in a respectful fashion.

Although a good therapeutic alliance essential for treatment success, problems in the alliance do not necessarily mean that the treatment is doomed. Over the last twenty-five years our research team and other researchers in North America and Europe, have found that problems or ruptures in the therapeutic alliance are the rule rather than the exception in psychotherapy, and that the process of addressing and working through them them constructively can be an important vehicle of change.  

Patients are often reluctant to discuss their concerns or negative feelings about treatment with therapists and it is not uncommon for them to drop out of therapy rather than risk rocking the boat. Moreover, research findings indicate that therapists are often unaware of negative feelings or concerns that their patients have about their treatment.

What do we know about principles relevant repairing alliance rupturesl when they occur so that treatment gets back on track and therapeutic progress takes place? My colleagues, Chris Muran, Catherine Eubanks-Carter and I (at the Brief Psychotherapy Research Program at Beth Israel Hospital, New York) recently conducted a review of the relevant research (including our own) on this topic for an American Psychological Association Division of Psychotherapy Task Force.

Below I summarize some of the conclusions of this review, combined with guidelines for both therapists and therapists to keep in mind:

Guidelines for Therapists:

1. It is important to recognize that patients often have negative feeling or concerns about the way therapy is going that are difficult for them to be express, and to be attuned to subtle indications that such concerns may exist.

2. It is the therapist's job to notice subtle indications of ruptures in the therapeutic alliance, and to find tactful ways of drawing attention to them and exploring them when they occur.

3. When patients do express negative feelings or concerns about their therapists or the treatment, it is important for therapists to attempt to respond in an open or nondefensive fashion, and to accept responsibility for their own contributions to the interaction as opposed to blaming the patient for misunderstanding or having a distorted perspective on what is taking place.

4.  It is also important for therapists to empathize with their patients’ experience and to support them broaching a potentially divisive topic in a session. 

Guidelines for Patients:

1. Your therapist should be willing to answer any questions you have about what to expect in therapy, how change takes place, and how much his or her fee is.

2.  If you have concerns or negative feelings about your therapist or treatment it important to make an effort to express these concerns to your therapist, or if feel your therapist doesn’t understand you, it is important to let them know. 

3.  If you think that you and your therapist see things differently, it is important to try to express your perspective.

4. It is important to recognize that even the most skilled and experienced  of therapists can at times become defensive or blaming. The ultimate criterion for deciding whether your therapist is trustworthy and can potentially help you, is a demonstrated willingness and committment to working through whatever problems are emerging in the therapeutic relationship, and a genuine openness to exploring ways in which they may be unintentionally contributing to those problems. 

5. Beware of therapists who try to keep you keep you in therapy when you want to stop. Therapists should respect your autonomy. It is one thing to explore your reasons for wanting to quit therapy, and another to imply that wanting to end treatment is a reflection of your problem.

6. It is important to recognize that even the most skilled and experienced   of therapists can at times become defensive or blaming. The ultimate criterion for deciding whether your therapist is trustworthy and can potentially help you, is a demonstrated willingness and commitment to working through whatever problems are emerging in the therapeutic relationship, and a genuine openness to exploring ways in which they may be unintentionally contributing to those problems. 

- Jeremy D. Safran, Ph.D. is Chair & Professor of Psychology at the New School for Social Research in New York & Senior Research Scientist at the Brief Psychotherapy Research Program, Department of Psychiatry, Mount Sinai Beth Israel Medical Center.

 

 

 

 

Derrick Rose and the Injury-Prone Athlete

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Derrick Rose, the Chicago Bulls point guard, was awarded the MVP in 2011, and the media and fans envisioned Rose’s future filled with more MVP trophies and, perhaps, the NBA Championship. But sports have many twists of fate, and over the last two full seasons, Rose was sidelined with two knee injuries, limiting the Bulls’ star to only 10 games. Now, instead of the conversation revolving around Derrick Rose as a future champion, the discussion is centered on whether or not Rose is injury-prone and doomed to have a career rattled with setbacks.

Rose’s past offseason marked another grueling rehabilitation from a knee injury, and fans and the media looked at the approaching season with optimism, but in a game against the Cavaliers at the end of October, Rose sprained his ankles. He returned six days later, only to re-aggravate the injury against the Bucks. Rose started openly discussing life after basketball, and the media, once again, labeled him as injury-prone.

There is a substantial list of athletes who were filled with talent but could never stay healthy long enough to reach their potential: Greg Oden, Mark Pryor, Darren McFadden. So, what does it mean to be injury-prone and what role can a sports psychology consultant play in the rehabilitation?

For athletes like Derrick Rose, they sometimes begin to play in fear because in the back of their minds, they may be worrying about re-injury. Of course, physical elements are major factors in talking about repeat injuries, but the mental side of rehabilitation is often overlooked.

For example, if an athlete subscribes to the mentality that they are injury-prone, then there is a high probability for re-injury to occur. In dealing with psychological stress and frustration, an athlete may not play to their pre-injury capacity. The mind and body work together, and if the subconscious is in fear of re-injury, then the body will react, thus potentially putting the player at risk. With this plaguing the back of their minds, it is possible for the muscles to tense up, which may increase the chances of injury.

Visualization and the Injured Athlete

Many of these athletes do not want to hear their problem might be mental because they probably believe that they are relaxed, but they can benefit from some type of mental distraction or mental relaxation to ease their minds. This would enable them to learn to shut down the fear and anxiety of re-injury. For instance, when LeBron James was battling his anxiety over winning a championship with the Miami Heat in his first season in South Beach, cameras showed him in the locker room reading “The Hunger Games” and appearing relaxed. This is a great example of a distraction. It takes the mind away from the task at hand and, from my experience, some athletes need that.

The other important aspect of overcoming the mental side of being injury-prone is visualization. When an athlete is dealing with repeat injuries, it is important for him to work through them and attempt visualization exercises. An athlete like Derrick Rose has driven to the lane for a lay up countless times, but what happens when an athlete begins to visualize an injury instead of a successful play? It happens and it can increase the pressure and anxiety.

Athletes practice and repeat their processes over and over again to the point where they are almost second nature; they know what they are supposed to do. They can close their eyes and visualize. But when they have injury on their minds, then that may cause a subliminal impediment. They actually begin visualizing an injury instead of a successful play. In situations like these, a sports psychology consultant can step in and help the athlete overcome this subconscious battle.

Returning to the Springboard

For example, I have a former client who was gymnast who experienced an injury. She was about to jump off the springboard to jump the vault, and she did not hit the springboard quite right. She went head first into the vault. Her injuries were serious, and she had a concussion. Of course, this incident had significant psychological ramifications. She had a hard time stepping back onto the floor. For quite some time, she was unable to even visualize her routines without seeing herself being injured.

In order to help her overcome her psychological block, I accompanied her to the gym and helped her through her workouts. She would count the steps she took as she ran towards the springboard, which she had done numerous times before, but now she had to know how to actually count to keep her on track and focused to eliminate the fear. She would run and stop dead in her tracks at the springboard. Her mind would not allow her to physically go through with the rest of the routine.

After she ran toward the springboard and counted her steps, she began the exercise again, but this time she would run back and visualize putting her hands on the vault. Then she would run down and place her hands where she would normally to run through her routine. It was a series of repetitions, visualizations and positive self-talk. She had to talk herself into understanding that she had to run ten steps, then hit the springboard and place her hands on the vault, then stop. She had to repeat this until she had the confidence to make this work, but she eventually returned to gymnastics (she was a level 10 gymnast) and began to compete successfully again: a testimony to mental toughness and how the mind and body components work together.

For any athletes who are considered injury-prone, it is really important to talk to a sports psychology consultant: to help eliminate the stigma associated with the media’s use of the term “injury-prone” and to be able to overcome fear of re-injury. While it is sometimes difficult for athletes who are experiencing multiple injuries, it is essential to realize that in order to heal the body, the mind must concur. 

This is my second blog post for Psychology Today, and I hope you will continue to read. Make sure to learn more about the Ohio University Coaching Education program and Mind Over Body Athletics, LLC.

 

Stop Enabling Your Addicted Adult Child

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Geno, an adult client of mine (not his real name), came in to see me, feeling very frustrated and angry. He described recently seeing his adult son's phone number (Geno is paying for the phone line) pop up on his Caller ID. It was Geno's day off from work and he had planned to decompress. But, he thought, after all, "This is my son, and I love him", so he accepted the call. As Geno listened to his son's slurred voice, he felt flooded with upsetting thoughts including, “What the heck is it now?”, immediately followed by guilt for being highly suspicious of what his son was seeking.

Geno's son went on a twenty-minute rant about how his former boss was a jerk and that he still can't find another job. He mentioned that he had smoked less weed, but that he had no money for his rent payment. Geno mentioned that he had financial pressures too and his son immediately said, "Whatever, dad, don't worry about me!" 

As the room started to spin, Geno, to his own amazement said, "Only this one time" but he knew his words had a hollow ring, since he'd said this so many times before. So, with mixed emotions, Geno later went to his son's apartment to "loan" him money to pay his rent. As usual, his son, with his beaming, broad charismatic smile, promised to pay Geno back, but he knew that will never happen. Geno thought about how this chaos is unsustainable (Geno's son is only twenty nine years old) and wondered when he will ever learn to stand on his own two feet.

Does the above scenario sound even remotely similar to your circumstances?  Are you distraught and overwhelmed by your dependent, addicted adult child? Does the logic in your head get sideswiped by the emotional pain in your heart? 

Do You Enable?

Enabling, is fixing problems for others and doing so in a way that interferes with growth and responsibility. Do you create an enabling dynamic for your adult child? If he, for example, buys a new audio system for his car instead of paying rent this would result in a consequence of losing an apartment. An enabler rushes in and removes the consequence, giving the adult child no reason or opportunity to learn a valuable lesson. 

Helping Your Adult Child Without Enabling 

Does helping your adult child tend to become a pattern of unhealthy rescuing? If you try to "save" your adult child every time he or she is in trouble, you may be making things worse in the long run. Do you struggle with knowing where to draw that fine (or not so fine) line between letting him learn how to stand on his own two feet and bailing him out? Parents, for sure, need to be thoughtful about how to assist their adult children without enabling them.

Adult children with addiction issues who remain overly dependent on their parents often are allowed to get into this situation because their parents enable them, as discussed above. Perhaps this relationship dynamic stems from parents who want to be needed. Setting boundaries with your adult child can sometimes be the best thing to do, even when it is hard to say, “I am here to listen and here’s what I can offer, but I also think you will feel better about yourself if you get some professional help (and attend twelve step meetings) and figure this out on your own.”

Whether you’ve got a 35 year old daughter who keeps asking for money while falsely claiming she will pay you back, or a 25 year old son who just can’t keep a job, adult children with addiction issues who behave immaturely can be stressful. I have seen many sad stories in my office of families with children over age 21 (in one case age 44!) who still are overly dependent on their parents. It can be very challenging for parents to set limits with adult children whom have become overly dependent. The parents often feel drained and emotionally depleted. They want their child to be happy on his own, yet they live in fear of not doing enough to help their child get there. This is by no means an easy situation!

In some cases these adult children may have significant mental health issues in addition to an addiction, such as depression or anxiety, which need to be addressed. At the same time, mental health treatment does not have to be mutually exclusive from the adult child contributing to their recovery in any way they can. Too many times, however, I see parents overly rescuing their children from their problems. While it may feel good for parents to do this, the implicit (or even explicit) message to the child is, “You’re not competent to make it on your own.” Parents in this situation can help themselves to be mindful of enabling their child by being carefully considering the following questions:

• Does your child now act entitled to, and demand, things you once enjoyed giving—car privileges, gifts, perks at home, or rent money?

• Does it feel like you are living from crisis to crisis with your adult child?

• Do you sacrifice too much to meet your adult child’s needs?

• Are you afraid of hurting your child?

• Are you feeling burdened, used, resentful, or burnt out?

Encouraging Your Adult  To Live In Her or His  Own Skin—Skin That’s Also in The Game

As children either graduate or quit school, they need to increasingly have “skin in the game” and strive toward being self-sufficient. This does not mean parents should abruptly put their adult child on the street. At the same time, the adult child needs to “own” his or her goals and plans to become self-reliant.

Sometimes, crises occur that send children back home such as a bad breakup, problems at college, or health issues. This is acceptable as long as there is a plan in place for the adult child to become independent.

Try not to be adversarial as you encourage your child to become more independent. The goal is to be supportive and  understanding with a collaborative mindset. Be calm, firm, and non-controlling in your demeanor as you express these guiding expectations below to motivate your adult child toward healthy independence:

1. Encourage working children to contribute part of their pay for room and board.

2. Don't indiscriminately give money. Providing spending money should be contingent on children’s efforts toward independence.

3. Develop a response that you can offer in the event that you are caught off guard. Agree that you won’t give an answer for certain time period whether it be the next morning or at least for 24 hours. For example, the next time you get an urgent call that says, “I need money,” respond by saying, “I’ll have to talk it over with your father (or, if you are single, “I’ll have to think it over”) and we’ll get back to you tomorrow.” This will allow you time to consider it and give you a chance to think and talk about it beforehand. It will also show that you are remaining steady in your course while presenting a united front.

4. Agree on a time limit on how long children can remain at home. 

5. If you can afford it, offer to help pay starting costs of rent on an apartment.

6. Make an agreement for decreasing contributions to rent until the child is fully responsible.

7. Remember that you always have the right to say, “I changed my mind” about a previous promise.

8. Set limits on how much time you spend helping your child resolve crises. Encourage the child to problem-solve by asking, "What are your ideas?”

9. Remember you are not in a popularity contest. Be prepared for your child to reject you. He or she will most likely come around later.

10. Attend support groups such as Al-anon. Only give spending money to an adult child consistently involved in treatment.

 

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist with over 23 years of experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy. He holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the State University of New York at Albany and completed his post-doctoral internship at the University of Pennsylvania Counseling Center. He has appeared on the Today Show, Court TV as an expert advisor, CBS Eyewitness News Philadelphia, 10! Philadelphia—NBC, and public radio. Dr. Bernstein has authored four books, including the highly popular 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Perseus Books, 2006), 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child (Perseus Books 2007), Why Can't You Read My Mind? and Liking The Child You Love. You can follow Dr. Jeff on Twitter.

 

Image Credit: Shutterstock

Gratitude in Tough Times

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For most of last year, it felt like my right leg was on fire. The rheumatoid arthritis that I’ve had since the age of three flared radiating lightning-bolt heat and pain through my ankle and into my knee. It kept me from sleeping much. Elevating the leg didn’t help. My medication had no effect. Treatment options? Too invasive and risky.  

Each night, when I was awakened by the pain, I’d get up and begin walking the halls of my house. The joint loosened as I walked and that eased the pain a bit. So many nights I just kept walking.

I also felt a bit sorry for myself in those middle-of-the-night wanderings. I was uncomfortable, scared that I wouldn’t recover, and utterly exhausted. I felt broken and angry and I was having a hard time tuning in to anything but the pain.

Still, I knew one way through the troubling time was to cling to the goodness in my life that was there too. I needed to practice gratitude and notice all the things that were still working, instead of being consumed by what wasn’t.

It can be hard to see the goodness when we are living in the shadows of life. But that is when we need gratitude the most. That's when we must go looking for it.

Gratitude in Good and Bad Times

Gratitude is easy when you are in love or you receive a big check, or a special gift, or the baby is sleeping through the night. It’s all good and easy to give thanks when the food is on the table, the boss compliments you at work, the car is humming. But can you also give thanks when the recipe is ruined and the boss is a jerk and car repairs are going to run $1,200?

Gratitude can make our best days brighter, and it is the one thing that can help us make it through the tough times. It is not frivolous. Not a luxury. It is a coping strategy. And it works.

How to Find Gratitude When You Don’t Feel Grateful

Gratitude is not some foo-foo practice. It has practical application and can instantly make things just a little bit better. When I was in the murkiness of my chronic illness, I began giving thanks for the few hours I did manage to sleep each night, rather than all those I spent awake.

I’d text a friend with the good news: “I slept two hours last night.” Or, “I got in a full four.”

I wrote the number in my calendar to remind myself during the day that I’d gotten some good sleep and I wrote other details. Love notes to my life really: “When I was up last night, the house was so peaceful, I love the quiet.” Or: “The moon was so beautiful it lit up the house.”

And after awhile, I began to relax a bit. I didn’t feel so lost or worried. I begin to believe I’d get through it – and I knew that if nothing changed I still had lots of goodness in my life.

It is during these difficult times that gratitude must become a deliberate, active practice. You must seek it out and when you find it you must celebrate that goodness, soak it up.

Here are three ways to do it:

1. Start with any little thing. When you are knocked back by life, find any little thing that is working and cling to it. The breath in your body. A place to sleep. A bite of food. Eyes to see with. A friend to call. When you think of it, these so-called little things are not really little at all. They are life giving. Yet these are the very things we overlook because they are innate and familiar. Pause and notice these things now. Give thanks for them. Just a minute will be enough to shift you to a place where you can better deal with the challenges before you.

2. Get up and help someone else. You got troubles? Chances are your neighbor or friend or hair stylist does too so instead of focusing solely on your bad news, reach out to help someone cope with their stuff. Take a casserole over to the woman just diagnosed, string the holiday lights for the neighbor recovering from surgery, let someone cut ahead of you in line. We’ve all got stress and troubles. When we reach out to one another not only do you help them survive, but the generous act will give you a boost too.  

3. Do one thing today that you are good at. Are you good at organizing cupboards? Well then, when everything is falling apart, go organize the cupboards. Or paint, or garden, or make some soup, or bake cookies, or hug your child, or fix the faucet. Often when we are surrounded by doom we feel incapable of coping with anything. Darkness pushes in and soon we figure we can’t do anything right. Baloney. Remind yourself of all that you are capable of by moving toward your talents. And, when you are done, you have another thing to be grateful for.

I’m not saying the practice of gratitude will return you instantly to a state of bliss and joy. I’m not even saying there are rainbows in every storm. Some storms are just big and sloppy and they whip you about.

But, when the wind blows and the trouble comes and you are looking for help to get through, try gratitude. It is a coping strategy and it helps us survive when we aren’t sure if we can.

 




Playing with Psychosis in 'Birdman'

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The opening shot of Birdman (brilliantly directed by Alejandro Inarritu) features Riggan Thomas (Michael Keaton) sitting yoga-style in his tightie-whities all alone in a grungy dressing room. That image itself might be enough to grab the audience’s attention, but the scene becomes truly remarkable when we realize that he is floating several feet above the ground.

[Warning: Spoilers ahead]

The film soon reveals more plot context. Riggan is a former movie star, most famous for a trilogy of super-hero films playing "Birdman." Desperate for a comeback and to be taken seriously, he has sunk his entire savings into an NYC stage adaptation of Raymond Carver’s “What We Talk about When We Talk about Love.” Riggan is the writer, director and star. The production is still in rehearsals, but it appears doomed until a particularly inept actor is accidently (?) injured by a falling sand bag. He is replaced by a difficult but dazzling theater star (Edward Norton) who gives the production some much needed respectability. The set-up is perfect for a dark satire of actors and the movie business, heightened by the meta-level reality that Michael Keaton was himself a star of the enormously popular Batman series.

Birdman proceeds break-neck into this Sunset Boulevard-like world, introducing a variety of troubled but intriguing characters like Riggan’s recovering-addict daughter (Emma Stone), the harried production manager (Zach Galifianakis) and the theater star’s long-suffering girlfriend (Naomi Watts). The story is slightly preposterous but just realistic enough to be almost believable in light of the well-documented antics of Hollywood actors and many improbable real-life come-backs by former stars.

Yet the audience is periodically pulled out of the satire and reminded of the opening scene by moments which suggest that Riggan has telekinetic super-powers (moving coffee cups with his mind). In between various shenanigans involving the teetering production and the amorous adventures of the players, we also witness Riggan having conversations with an off-screen voice telling him threateningly he should abandon theater and go back to Hollywood to make Birdman IV. The effect of all this can be a disconcerting. Touches of “magical realism” are not new to most movie-goers these days, but they are usually used in quirky comedy/dramas like Midnight in Paris or Amelie, not menacing satires.

One obvious interpretation of these supernatural elements is that they are simply a manifestation of Riggan’s fragile psyche. The scenes seem to be inviting the audience into the hallucinations and delusions of a psychotic individual, like in Black Swan or the beginning of A Beautiful Mind (where the audience participates in John Nash’s visions of being part of an international espionage plot). These films do an outstanding job of tricking the audience into perceiving and believing a series of events that look just as real as anything else in the movie yet prove to be not real at all. This is a way that film can be a learning tool for helping non-psychotic people understand how realistic hallucinations seem to people when they are in the midst of psychosis. Birdman teases the audience to view Riggan’s as “crazy” by making the bizarre events occur only when the character is alone and avoiding any clear, objective evidence that he truly does have exceptional abilities.

The last shot of Birdman turns everything on its head however. Without completing giving it away, I’ll just say that the audience is finally given a substantial clue that maybe Riggan does have super-powers after all. The only cinematic parallel I can think of is the ending of Being There, in which a simple gardener, Chauncey (Peter Sellers), who at the center of a media blitz, walks away from a funeral and . . . . [I won’t spoil that one either, but let’s just say he pulls off something of a miracle]. I think Chauncey’s impact on the audience is very different than Riggan’s however. Chauncey is highly sympathetic. One might recognize his expressions as inane and mock the pop culture that makes him into a guru, but he is still a gentle, sweet-natured individual. So when the final scene of Being There asks us to reevaluate all of our previous interpretations, the only threat is that we might find something profound in what we had previously dismissed as simple-minded. That’s disorienting, but not disturbing.

Contemplating Riggan as a true super-hero is different because he’s not a very sympathetic character. In fact, we mostly see him as a self-centered jerk who lets down just about everyone around him. A drunken confrontation between him and a bitter theater critic packs a wallop because the audience knows enough about Riggan to realize there is a great deal of truth in the critic’s character evisceration, no matter how haughty and mean-spirited she may be. The movie does provide enough brief glimpses of Riggan’s potential for decency that we may not actually enjoy his head long descent into self-destruction, but can we accept this guy as a hero? Similarly, we may have some compassion for him as mentally ill (depression?, emerging schizophrenia?, substance abuse?, bipolar?—it’s hard to say), but is this the guy who deserves to have his delusions of grandeur come true?  

Ultimately though, viewing a movie is not only about what we want. If you give yourself to watching Birdman (or any movie), you are tacitly agreeing to go on a shared journey with the filmmakers. And if you go along with this movie, you are going to be stuck with the emotional and philosophical reverberations of that final shot [which, I will go ahead and add, involves Emma Stone smiling].

Skip Dine Young's Psychology at the Movies is available at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN=0470971770

 

Bill Cosby, UVA, Penn State, Catholic Clergy, and Beyond

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This week, whether you’ve been logged on to the Internet, watching the news on TV, listening to the radio, or reading the paper, you’ve been deluged with updates and opinions about the sexual abuse allegations women have made against Bill Cosby. The first entry on my facebook newsfeed yesterday was a clever one where author/activist Jessica Valenti introduced the article Shifting Attitudes at Play in Cosby Allegations by Jocelyn Noveck (www.abcnews.go.com), with this attention-grabber: “America: Where you can sexually assault 16 women and still get a standing ovation.” According to the latest entry on the home page of the Rape & Incest National Network (RAINN) website (www.rainn.org), that number is now up to 17. The daily Cosby count add-on continues, as do reports of sexual assaults on college campuses.

This morning there’s an article in the New York Times about the situation at the University of Virginia, where all fraternities have been suspended indefinitely after gang rape allegations were mishandled. The Board of Visitors that governs the University is having an unprecedented meeting today to discuss the situation. I’ll be interested in learning what will be implemented as a result of this meeting.( http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/25/us/rocked-by-rape-report-univer... .)

 As a survivor of sexual assault (incest) myself, and as a family therapist, this week I’ve often thought about the impact of all this media attention on adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. My sense is that the impact is mixed and determined largely by what stage of healing a survivor is in, but certainly carries with it the potential to encourage a survivor’s healing. Yes, it can trigger memories long forgotten, sometimes in the form of flashbacks, along with symptoms like anxiety, depression, nightmares, phobias, sudden bursts of anger and/or grief, but when this happens it’s important to reach out for support. Call the hotline at the end of this blog or speak to a spouse, friend, or counselor. Get into therapy with a therapist trained in working with sexual abuse survivors, one who can help you to overcome the torments of your experiences of abuse.

Katherine Hull Fliflet, RAINN’s vice president of communications, reports on their website that the recent publicity has led to a 50% increase in usage of their hotline. “Hearing from someone who has survived a similar experience can be incredibly encouraging to those who have yet to come forward,” she said. Roberta Dolan, author of the recently released book, Say It Out Loud: Revealing and Healing the Scars of Sexual Abuse agrees with her. Roberta was sexually abused by her parents until she was 13 years old. At the age of 48, as the memories emerged, she began a six-year healing journey with the help of a therapist and her devoted husband. She wrote Say It Out Loud because there were strategies for healing that she wanted to share, along with the message of hope. Roberta understands the emotional pain a survivor endures and the courage it takes to break the silence.

Breaking the silence is exactly what is needed, not only individually, but collectively. In Noveck’s article cited above Scott Berkowitz, President of RAINN, recalls RAINN’s 1994 efforts to engage TV networks in airing public service announcements for its sex assault hotline. Fearful that the word “rape” would result in complaints, they declined. Later, when NBC agreed and no complaints were forthcoming but there were “thank-you’s” instead, the other networks followed suit. Berkowitz says that “in the last decade we’ve all been developing a greater awareness of just how common these crimes are.” Another RAINN spokesperson, Jen Marsh, oversees the hotline (phone and online) and says “There is definitely a sea change of sorts…” But she also points out that it’s still very difficult to report sexual assault, “particularly if the perpetrator is well-known, or powerful, or well-liked, whether it’s a principal in a local community or a famous football coach.” Or a famous comedian, like Bill Cosby? When I read what Bill Cosby’s lawyer, Martin Singer said last week, I was disgusted:

 “These brand new claims about alleged decades-old events are becoming increasingly ridiculous, and it is completely illogical that so many people would have said nothing, done nothing, and made no reports to law enforcement or asserted civil claims if they thought that they had been assaulted over a span of so many years.”

Roberta Dolan and I connected over email today and she shared my reaction of disgust.  Then she went on to write that “Singer is obviously ignorant to the harmful effects of sexual assault on the victim. Fear, shame and manipulation are just a few of the reasons people don’t speak out and Singer is using those same tactics to keep additional victims silent. Accusing a victim of lying, which is what Singer suggests, re-victimizes the person and reinforces the fear;if I tell, no one will believe me. The only thing “ridiculous” and “illogical” is Singer’s comments.” Thank you for your perspective, Roberta, and I wholeheartedly agree.

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If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-HOPE and online at www.rainn.org.

Here is a list of helpful websites for any readers who may be interested in learning more about sexual assault, prevention, and healing and/or for those who are interested in getting actively involved:

www.rainn.org

www.pavingtheway.net

www.notalone.gov

www.otsonus.org

www.nomore.org

www.giftfromwithin.org

 

 

Gratitude: Think About It

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If you feel like complaining about something, think it over first, because it's actually not worth it...

It’s easy for us to complain about who we aren’t, what we don’t have, what we can´t do, what we didn´t get out of life; the list goes on. These feelings can be very real and are ingrained in us; however, this is the time to question the actual importance of the many things that we wish for in life.

If you feel that you can realistically do without what you are wishing for, you have the ability to inherently put that need aside and go on with your life. Conversely, if that something is really important to you, then it’s time you turn your thoughts into actions and achieve your goals without those nettlesome complaints.

Complaints consume energy, which is the same energy that could be exerted in effectuating your desires. Whether it is a change in personality or new accomplishments in your life, you need that energy to get what you want. Thus, what is ultimately needed is a change in attitude.

When you start having the urge to complain, you forget about how blessed you might actually be in that moment. Keep in mind; by no means am I saying that you should settle for what you have. Settling for less than you deserve is the first step towards mediocrity, and even death! Rather, I encourage you to see the glass half-full, and switch gears from focusing on what you don’t have to recognizing and appreciating the blessings that you do have. Regardless of what spiritual or religious entity you believe in, use that as a guide to help you create a more positive and grateful attitude to successfully navigate your life.

Moping about not winning over the love of your life, or being unable to have the family you’ve always wanted will keep you trapped in the corner of resentment. Once you enter this corner, it’s hard to leave. Your thoughts are wired in the wrong direction, leading you to question what you did wrong to deserve the situation you are in and endlessly search for answers, keeping you powerless in that corner.

Similarly, if you complain about not landing your dream job or being unable to afford the house you wanted (basically anything material), it’s easy to compare yourself to others who have all of those things and become even more discouraged, especially when you‘ve taken the same steps as they have or maybe even done more than they did to reach those goals. In turn, this is perceived as failure and you end up believing that nothing is worthwhile.

At this point, you’re probably wondering how it’s even possible to change your attitude in a hopeless moment when negativity is imminent and you are without motivation. Moreover, how can you even conceive the idea of being thankful when you are living a tragedy? And what does it ultimately take to recognize gratitude?

If you feel aimless, ask yourself what it means to feel full. It is important to be aware of not only what you complain about, but also what exactly it is that you want. Even when you are in a painful situation, pain teaches us to live. At some point you may look back and objectively remember the nightmare you lived and reflect on what it has taught you. Life’s struggles are learning opportunities in disguise, and should not be misunderstood as setbacks.

To have an adequate understanding of who you are, consider all the positive traits that you possess, such as your intelligence, capacity to love, ability to resolve conflicts, initiative, patience, intuition and more. These are all things that have allowed you to recognize yourself as a person who wants to live life to the fullest.

While doing this sounds seemingly simple, it isn’t. This is because we innately outweigh life’s positive aspects with negative ones, and become overly concerned with what is going wrong in our lives instead of what is going right. The first step in becoming more grateful is making a list of all of the positive personal traits, people and resources in your life. The next step is to thoroughly understand these blessings and the ways that they benefit you. This is gratitude. Without a full appreciation of these things, you’re not allowing yourself to be genuinely thankful for what you have, and remain stuck in the mindset that you are incapable of changing your circumstances.

That list, no matter how big or small, is a gift that you have been given, and is the foundation for you to build off of in becoming the person you ultimately wish to be. These traits work in your favor and should be acknowledged, because the truth is, you are lucky to have them. We are all blessed with our own strengths, and apply them in different ways. Allow yourself to alter your perception, and instead of complaining about what you lack, exert energy in improving that area of your life and learn along the way.

When we are fully appreciative of life, there is no room for complaints. Life’s struggles are inevitable, but we fortunately possess our own inherent strengths to manage these struggles and turn them into opportunities to improve our lives. With the right attitude, we have the ability to embark on new journeys, conquer new territories, successfully confront new challenges and ultimately, achieve our dreams.

 

Kids in Ferguson Need Superheroes Too

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Ryan displays warmth and an easy confidence, a certain comfort even in the face of his own discomfort. He emanates a sense of well-being— an awareness what he can and cannot do— what he knows and what is he needs to learn, and the steps he is willing to take to achieve his goals. There is not a sense of urgency to his actions, but rather a steadfastness — a focus— that feels unusual for a seventeen year old boy.

He has grown into a man who can lead — can both serve and be of service — who will protect those around him with the tools he has been given. He is not a soldier— he is not a superhero — he is a regular boy who has developed grit.

Grit is the avant-garde character trait that has crept into the vocabulary of affluent suburban parents. Why this sudden infatuation with a word that, until a few years ago, evoked images of John Wayne with an eye patch and flask of whiskey?

For starters, it is a powerful, yet nontraditional predictor of future success both in academics and in the workplace. It is also believed to be the single character trait which separates the “top tier” of students and employees from the “second tier.” This means that uber-competitive parents now have a new focus, and it’s gritty.

I’m also well aware that privileged, white parents are primarily the ones focused on developing this character trait. I don’t imagine that today in Ferguson, Missouri parents are wondering, hmm, am I raising my children with the tenacity to persevere with difficult goals?

Personal safety trumps grit any day of the week.

Last year my youngest child started kindergarten. I’d just spent the past three years working with researchers from Brown and Brandeis University, who were studying learning habits of children for my book, The Learning Habit. I came prepared to the school’s open house with a legal size notepad filled with burning questions: Did they impart a growth mindset in the classroom? How do they encourage learning through frustration and failure?

Much to my surprise, the majority of time was given over to explaining the grave nature of lock- down drills at the school: the hiding of their five- and six-year-old children; the black-out panels teachers use to cover windows; the fully armed police officers who came to the school during each practice. I had never heard intimate details of the drills. I had never pictured my five-year-old daughter tucked away in a closet like a winter coat, waiting silently for the footsteps of a police officer.

When you are concerned about your child’s personal safety, nothing else matters. Privileged or not, this is a truth no parent can escape. I blinked away tears and knew that if I spoke, my voice would crack. In that moment, I didn’t give a crap about grit or any of my other questions… they now felt pretentious.

I felt a range of emotions as the principal spoke; mostly, what I experienced was fear.

Fear is a powerful weapon; I get it. The idea that a child could be shot dead in school is horrifying. The notion that a child could be unarmed and shot dead in the street is equally horrifying. Talking about these fears and coming up with plans to understand and address fear is the most important thing a parent can do; both for our children and for ourselves.

Maybe the definition of grit also means teaching children to find their way around fear: fear of injury, fear of loss, fear of prejudice, fear of embarrassment, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, or fear of disappointing others.

When kids are helped to normalize those fearful feelings — to think up strategies they can employ, to work toward a goal —they are going to be less fearful. Grit and goals go hand-in-glove. These goals and dreams are crucial: they calm children by focusing them on their potential and what they can do; they empower them to feel in control of their own destiny. Anyone who has ever been blinded by fear or anger knows how essential it is to regain that sense of control.

As powerful a weapon as fear can be, when kids learn to manage it, it can be an incredible source of motivation.

After all the interviews I conducted for the book, The Learning Habit, I never found one single story about a boy who was born with the ability to perform physics at the age of three, or a five-year-old girl who could hit a 40-mile-an-hour softball. I did, however, unearth stories of children and parents who persevered through unthinkable hardships and achieved their goals.

Ryan (mentioned earlier in this story) was awarded a full scholarship to Providence College for basketball. He is viewed as a superhero by his teammates.

“He didn’t really stand out until high school,” his mother recalled.

It’s true; if you were able to travel back in time and see these “superheroes” when they were six or ten or even twelve, you probably wouldn’t notice anything particularly spectacular, unique, or gifted about them. When a child simply continues to work day after day, consistently expending the effort to improve their skills, refusing to quit regardless of their fears and insecurities—their skills improve. It’s not a superpower, and it’s not magic; it’s sheer, dogged tenacity.

There’s a humility to grit that is rarely celebrated in the United States. At a certain point in high school, those kids who just refused to give up will slowly pull in front of the pack.

Today in Ferguson, Missouri we see a town that has been devastated by fear and anger. Schools have closed – which makes it unrealistic to expect kids to focus on educational goals. There is no outlet for children and families to discuss their feelings – their fears – or just blow off some pent up steam. The United Way is trying to assist families, but it’s complicated. They had opened a drop-in center with counselling services for families. One child, a twelve year old boy, stated that he was terrified to fall asleep, so he now slept with his older sister. Sadly, that drop-in center has been closed.

“Superheroes” are great fantasy role models because they never give up. In real life, children have to earn powers, but in time, they become super. Kids who develop grit, like Ryan, have worked for their triumphs. Without places for children and their families to talk about what’s happened to them, get support and guidance, formulate plans, and find ways to feel safe again – I don’t see how we’ll see any superheroes come out of Ferguson.

Rebecca Jackson is co-author of The Learning Habit: A Groundbreaking Approach to Homework and Parenting That Helps Our Children Succeed in School and Life.


 

Answers: Beliefs About ABA

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How we define behavior, Autism, and appropriateness is a tricky slope to navigate and one bombarded by subjectivity and emotion. The paths of knowledge and beliefs before us often range from exhilarating to avalanche producing.  The intensity with which we observe, reflect, and take action has tremendous potential to facilitate great differences in our relationships and ability to understand our children,our students, and ourselves. Oftentimes in the Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)  community parents and therapists seek direct roads of educating their children/students craving some type of concrete system that can be held accountable for the highs and lows of the learning process. We seek tangible & mappable charts that say we can make a difference and help make progress that is quantifiable, so there is no doubt that what we are seeing is legitimate and not just based on hope and emotion but provable standards that will not be doubted. We seek answers for the behaviors which can seem impossible to understand in the loved ones we so deeply want to help and along the way we learn to pay attention to our own behavior, the immediate environment, and triggers which can be modified to give the greatest possible forum for interactions, trust, communication, and learning.

 

Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) is the most widely known tool for this process yet has been recently deemed fairly controversial. In the past ABA was considered the only trustworthy and results-producing method of teaching students with Autism. The range of multi-strategic approaches is broadening and ABA is taking on a more naturalistic appearance. Aversives and discrete trials are no longer synonyms for ABA and people are starting to think outside the behavioral box. How one defines and has seen ABA used often caters to how an individual views the methodology. As with all things, we are shaped by our experiences (both positive and negative) in our views of how something is defined and used. How it looks in one school or program is not necessarily how it looks in another so how do we clarify and know what is the right choice?  There are many facets to this conversation. Today is one component, one tool in the proverbial educators toolbelt with an invitation to come back for another blog post, another intervention, another support from which to choose.

 

In seeking to understand the idiosyncrasies of what works or does not for our students, we must first be able to define the approaches we are seeking out. We must have an understanding of not just the diagnosis, but of our children’s personalities and behaviors, and of the methods and results we are truly looking for.

 

Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) is the science of human behavior. In 1968 Baer, Wolf, & Risley defined it as:

 

“... the process of systematically applying interventions based upon the principles of learning theory to improve socially significant behaviors to a meaningful degree, and to demonstrate that the interventions employed are responsible for the improvement in behavior“

 

This signifies the effectiveness of the programs can be determined by only using one strategy at a time. We believe that one method alone does not stand as an end all be all, there is connectedness that must be accounted for in relation to the home, the therapists, the families, etc. Albeit, we wanted to explore a more pure behavioral perspective in order to better understand the trends and effectiveness of ABA and its evolution as a current support system to address students with all types of developmental challenges and so we decided to dig further.

 

The following interview with expert Adam Holstein was both refreshing and intriguing in its candor and balanced sensitivity. Mr Holstein has a Masters Degree in Developmental Psychology from Yeshiva University and graduated from St. John’s University with a Professional Diploma in Clinical Child Psychology. He is also a graduate of the Washington Square Institute for Psychoanalysis and Mental Health. He is a New York State Certified School Psychologist and a New York State Licensed Psychoanalyst. He is currently in private practice and works with children, adults, and their families in New York City, Nassau, and Westchester Counties. Mr. Holstein works with people who have special needs in the family home, at school, and at homes under the auspices of the NYS Office of People with Developmental Disabilities.

 

1.     How do you define ABA? 

 

I define ABA as a set of empirically proven interventions / tools, which can be utilized to teach skills and/or change behavior.  I believe all behaviors can be changed utilizing contingencies of reinforcement and/or consequences.  Whether that is desirable in certain cases without consideration of the person’s feelings and /or without a full understanding the “communicative function of behavior” is another very big question. 

 

2.     What are the pros and cons of the ABA model? 

 

One of the most compelling arguments for ABA interventions is that the results of the interventions are observable and measurable.  On a basic level, we all learn as a result of contingencies both positive and negative within our environment.  Who we become is shaped and learned based on contingencies of reinforcement and consequences from our primary caregivers.  I want to emphasize that I believe both positive interventions and consequences are naturally occurring and ABA programs should reflect both.  Some proponents of ABA suggest that only positive interventions are necessary to teach but I believe that by failing to put consequences in place we do not prepare our children to deal with negative results or failure.  They have to learn to accept consequences as well as accept rewards.   In the cases where children with ASD are learning to cope, by keeping the environment the “same” or establishing a “low stimulus” environment, we do not teach them to cope with change and /or being overly stimulated.  We can start from a point of comfort “sameness” or “low stimulation” and return to the point of comfort at the end of the task, which should be reinforcing in and of itself.  But teaching our children with ASD to accept/cope with “change” and/or  “high stimulation” is important as it is inevitable that change will occur and unanticipated high stimulation environments will be run into.  The expectation on families to keep things the same or change their world entirely to the child becomes overwhelming to the family structure and in the end can cause a collapse of the individual and/or family system.  Programs can modify routines in a systemic and measured way so as not to overwhelm the child with ASD.  This approaches a negative about ABA instruction.  It is not so much theoretical but practical.  That is, unless opportunities to practice the learned skills are presented in other environments so that generalization can occur, all the work of leaning is to no avail.  In my experience teachers as well as parents fail to encourage or ensure use of learned skills is practiced outside of the learning environment.  While this might be relatively easy with respect to ADL skills, when it comes to real life experiences in socialization opportunities are as a practical matter still limited.   Again, socialization skill instruction is not really addressing emotional development and/or engagement.  Last but not least I would like to address is the fact that many proponents of ABA do not “care” about feelings.  The argument is that no matter what the feelings they can change behavior.  I believe they are correct.  The problem comes when a child’s behavior is communicating something that they cannot verbalize.  I have come across children who are acting out in school and were being evaluated, by myself and others to address challenging behaviors in the school.  If the interventions were designed to look at the stimulus of the acting out or the rewards of the acting out behaviors alone, the challenging behaviors would have been “extinguished”.  In a particular case that I am referring to the fact that the child was being beaten at home with a belt, might never have come to light.  So we have to be careful to ensure we have a thorough functional analysis of behavior and we have to understand the emotional environment / world.  I do this with a broad functional analysis of behavior FAB to ensure the “functional commination of the behavior” or simply put the “feelings” being expressed by the behavior are respectfully addressed and the child’s feelings, needs and communication(s) based on their emotional development and the feelings of the parent are part of the program design and intervention. 

 

3.     What advancements do you think have taken place in the last 5 years with respect to ABA? 

 

With respect to ABA I see the advances from the perspective of an increased number of curriculums addressing the developmental hierarchies in all areas of development, i.e., motor, language, cognitive and social development. 

 

4.     What do you believe are the biggest myths or misunderstandings people have about ABA?  

 

My biggest concern is that parents believe ABA is going to “cure” or resolve the primary issue with children diagnosed with ASD, namely a deficit in social skills, pragmatics and emotional attunement.  I see ABA being able to teach social skills IF the child with ASD has the cognitive ability negotiate intellectually speaking, this complex interchange.  However, I have not seen or heard of a child where ABA can teach emotional spontaneity and attunement, empathy, sympathy or share emotional experiences.  This deficit, is what makes ASD so devastating to parents raising their children, as there is little to no typical emotional engagement.  A parent with acute observational skills, might be able to perceive changes is activity, eye gaze, muscular tension as communicating some feelings, but we have to be careful too that the parent or caregiver is not projecting what they think their child might be feeling or communicating.  This is a problem with typical parents and children, namely the parents think they know what the child is thinking and feeling, but unless we can clarify and get a response directly from the child, we can only “assume”.  We also hear of children who when they develop language skills are able to verbalize their experiences, and frustrations about not being able to communicate their needs or experiences of having their senses overloaded, but the questions; “What were they feeling?” as opposed what they were taught to say remains in my mind. 

 

5.     What does the future of behavior therapy look like for the ASD community? 

 

I wish I knew.  There is ground breaking brain research on brain mapping and development and DNA mapping.  Science and technology are expanding our understanding of the world and ASD exponentially.  There are so many assumptions that we are making about ASD that any one of these could be disproved tomorrow, with new theory emerging, and that is progress.  From individual cases we over generalize and run to a new idea that an intervention that “worked” for one will work for all.  The NY Sunday Times had an article a few months ago that Autism can be cured given certain intensive parent interactions and engagement.  Without a detailed understanding of the specific child’s genesis of Autism, be they biological, perhaps maturational, perhaps environmental and/or a combination of any and all of the variables, we cannot make a clear determination if any given intervention “cures”.  Parents believe, neurological hyper sensitivities, food allergies, vaccinations, fragile x syndrome, children lacking mirror neurons are the causes.  Has anyone heard of a child with Fragile X syndrome being cured?  I would be very surprised.  Also the measure of the “cure” has to be examined.  For example if a child diagnosed with ASD can play electronic games with typical peers on the internet; Is he to be considered cured?  This activity has very little to do with the issues of pragmatics or non-verbal communication and the concerns with perseveration, and lack of emotional reciprocation and responses, that are the basis for the diagnosis of ASD are not necessarily part of the game.

I think that as we understand ASD we are going to learn that there are many sub-categories and complexities to this diagnosis.  A prognosis is susceptible to not only the innate abilities of the child but the support from the family and society.  I am working with many agencies who are working with schools and business, to accept the differences of the ASD community and integrate the children and adults into the mainstream of school and business.  The culture is changing and with the IDEA laws encouraging acceptance and support at least the social stigma will diminish.  Parents however will still have to learn how to best parent their child with special needs, “consciously” adjusting their parenting  to meet those needs and adjusting their expectations to accept and understand their child for who they are.  Once that work is accomplished they will be  and help their child meet his or her potential. 

 

6.     Do you believe it is possible to combine traditional behavioral approaches with relationship based models such as SonRise and DIR/Floortime?   

 

Given my background and training, I fully agree with the fact that multiple interventions are needed to gain maximum development.  SonRise has as its underpinning the lack of bonding and mutual engagement.  It supports from an analytic perspective, a “holding environment” where the parent sits with the child and attempts to engage the child or behaviorally speaking, reinforce the child, with an emotional response that is characterized as being excited, enthusiastic and energized.  All three of these terms are not easily or “operationally defined” behaviorally speaking.  That is, how do you measure them?  Moreover, the approach assumes parents, of all people, can be objective and non-judgemental, about their child and in this case a child with special challenges, be it autism, or any disability.  In psychoanalysis the idea of objectivity and the therapist not influencing the treatment, has been long dismissed.  Now a “relational perspective” predominates.  That is, to a point a unique relationship is formed but each person’s character, also shapes the relationship.  From the basic premise that at some point a parent is going to respond to something the child does, is going to be based on a judgment that what the child is doing “should be” reinforced with a response of some kind, in this case with the “three E’s”.  I do agree as a practical matter that in a person’s development from infancy, the three E’s, are what most of us do in healthy relationships with typical children.  The approaches of both floor time and SonRise, are interventions trying to engage the child emotionally, on the most basic and primitive level of emotional engagement, thus trying to “fix” the problem of the child’s disengagement defined broadly as ASD.  From where I sit ABA has a long way to go in its maturation in this respect.  Human interaction is so complex and rich, the ABA research only beginning to understand feelings and emotional development. 

 

 

7.     What do you believe is the greatest challenge and the greatest benefit of incorporating a multi-strategic approach in educational and social settings and home?

 

The greatest challenge incorporating a multi-strategic approach are people.  People when under stress look for a way to relieve that stress.  When confronted by our child’s challenges we want to be there in any way we can and to “fix” the problem so that the child behaves and develops in ways consistent with our expectations, dreams and wishes, each of these concepts are based on our upbringing and within the context of the society we live in.  Due to the stress we tend to focus on the one answer to solve it all.  Taking on multiple strategies is overwhelming and “instinctively” counter intuitive.  If one step such as ABA is embraced and progress is made then people stop looking and accept the status quo.  The needs of the child with ASD, but what about the relationships between siblings and the special needs child?  What about the parents relationship?  What about the needs of the typical child and his or her parents?  In my work all these needs, feelings, thoughts and concerns are discussed and addressed. 

 

8.     When working with non-verbal and semi-verbal clients with Autism how do you gauge their ability to process and participate in counseling?  

 

 I need to know what you mean by counselling?  Counseling can mean, teaching facial expressions and pairing feelings words like “angry” with an angry face.  Is the person being referred able to abstract, generalize and so on?  Also why is the person being sent to a counselor?  Why is the person nonverbal?  What is the cognitive level of the person?  What are the receptive expressive language skills of the person?  What is the reliability of their communications via communication devices?  i.e., do you get the same answer to the same question each time you ask it? We can look at patterns of behavior and interpret the patterns as indicating some meaning, but we have to be careful.  Also I would look at how the family has come to understand the meanings of the child’s non-verbal behavior(s).  Often it is useful to work with the family as well as the child based on this understanding.    

 

9.     How do you encourage self-advocacy for the student while honoring the family's desire to "fix" behaviors? 

 

Dare I say this is a loaded question.  As wonderful as I think floor time and SonRise are they are interventions designed to “fix” a deficit based on a failure of bonding or emotional engagement.  Self-advocacy is needed because someone somewhere is teaching the child and those in the community that they are fine the way they are.  Everyone else has the problem if they are trying to “fix” you.  Otherwise, the notion that a child or adult has to advocate for themselves would not exist.  Conversely most of the population at large has the idea of “fixing” anything wrong with their child or changing someone who is different.  If this were a universal position that children with ASD had to be fixed there would be no need for self-advocacy since it would be the whole of the child’s experience.  That said, when anyone has a problem interacting with others, it becomes a matter of degree.  Let’s take a hypothetical situation as follows;  If a child is self-stimming so frequently they do engage in any activity, would there be an argument against medications or strong behavioral interventions?  If on the other hand, the self-stim behavior or rocking could perceptually be normalized by putting head phones on with music at the same time, be a comfort to the child with ASD so they can function, why not?  Each case is like a finger print.  It is unique as to the decisions made by the parents and by the child (if possible).  The decisions are going to be based on the perceptions, knowledge and beliefs of those involved.  What is right or wrong for one child and family will not be the same for the next child or family.  When I work with families my goal(s) is to help the families emotionally find what they are comfortable with and what they want for themselves and their child.  The thoughts and feelings about fixing or changing are all a matter of degree. 

 

10.  What do you believe "stimming" is?

I would hold to the fact that the “stimming” behavior is a way of regulating one’s body and experience of the world.  However we can and do interpret the meaning of “stimming” behaviors on many levels however.  The research and stories will attest to this.  But when working with the family I work with their ideas, feelings and beliefs and certainly if the child can tell me why they stim, all the better.  If the child cannot tell me directly as we address the needs of the child we monitor the stim behavior(s) and try and understand them.  By the way, for several children up to nine years of age, I have found a shower or bath in the morning, while a big deal scheduling wise for the families, has been extremely useful in helping the child regulate themselves throughout the day and function with less stimming and or acting out behaviors. 

 

11.  Are there times where you feel stimming is a supportive tool for clients to cope or purely an interfering behavior that should be extinguished?

 

 From a behavioral point of view it does not matter what I feel does it?  Let’s argue this from both sides for a minute.  I would think that stimming behavior has some function otherwise it would not be there in the first place.  We could argue from a sensory point of view, it is regulating the nervous system, but it might facilitate escaping demands, it might give them attention and/or allow them to get preferred toys so they stop.  As such the behavior could be “over determined”.  So let’s assume for a minute the stimming behaviors are a way of self-soothing and it is all they want to do.  “Should we stop it?”  If so; “Why?”  If not;  “Why not?”  “How much is ok?”  “How much is too much?”  When I work with parents these decisions are made by the parents and schools.  Stimming from strictly a behavioral point of view might well be a high probability behavior and become useful a contingent reinforcer.  I try not to take a position discussion, until there is some scientific evidence tied directly to the specific case I am working on.  I help the families answer the questions as best we can and work with them based on their desires and only interject my thoughts after the fact. 

 

12.  What are your thoughts on empowering individuals with Autism and their diagnosis?

 

 This is a broad a question.  First and foremost; “What capacity does the child/adult have to make decisions on their behalf?”  Individuals with ASD function at all different levels.  I see no reason why they should not be able to make decisions from themselves consistent with their level of functioning and ability to make informed decisions based on short term and long term pros and cons, health and safety and so on.  This is a question I address with families who have typical children who act out when they do not get their way and what they want.  They are in control of the household.  Should a 5 year old have that kind of control, should a 10 year old?  We learn to make informed decisions by being as pragmatic and reality based as possible.  Children make decisions based o short term needs and desires.

 

13.  How do you recommend families discuss their child's diagnosis with them?

 

Good question.  ASD is a complex diagnosis.  First and foremost parents have a difficult time addressing the realities of the diagnosis and the primary reason is that they have a lot of feelings and thoughts about the differences the diagnosis represents.  So first the parents must be ready themselves to talk pragmatically and realistically about what their child’s specific ASD represents, in terms of being different.  There are realities which might change but perhaps not.  The discussion can always start with questions to see what the child is thinking and feeling.  Parents should be as realistic about the differences as possible.  The tone and manner has to be practical and informed;  “Oh you need glasses, you can see better with them, but people might make fun of you if you wear them.”  Yes, you relate differently to others.  You don’t show your feelings so easily or understand what others are feeling so easily.  Perhaps you can ask; “What they are feeling and how they would like to you to respond?”  If you feel and think it is ok to give them what they want then do so.  Again as I reflect on what I am writing, each case has to be looked at individually as there are always so many needs, social circumstances and choices that have to be made on so many levels, the child with ASD and even typical children do not always make good decisions. 

 

14.  What tools are available to help individuals use their Autism and transform some of their challenges into assets? 

 

I am not sure there are “tools” proper to help.  The creativity of parents and society in changing perceptions and ways to work with the challenges of say; preservative behaviors, or “fixations” on numbers, maps, transportation toys, whatever form the challenges take, it is a challenge in and of itself.  In my work with children I find it useful to discuss the interest in as much detail as possible, while also looking to expanding the interest and bring in other skill sets and knowledge.  These can tie into a set of skills that could be adapted into other play skills or work.  Clearly where work tasks are repetitive or require finite math skills, accounting, engineering and so on, the skills and predispositions of the ASD population are assets. 

 

15.  What do you feel  the community at large and families of individuals need to know in order to better support and accept individuals with Autism so they can thrive in the home, school, and their neighborhoods?  

 

What comes to mind, is that people typically need to relate and engage others.  People are basically social animals.  People with ASD are not as social and are not as driven to have social contact let alone relationships as they are typically thought about.  If we can accept that some people are just not as interested in relationships and are happy that way, then the pressure is off to do something when nothing has to be done.      

 

16.  Any thoughts or philosophies you believe need to be acknowledged and care to elaborate on? 

 

I am concerned that there is a social pressure within the ASD community and perhaps others, to celebrate the differences and look positively at the challenges.  A political correctness of what to say and how to say things should be said limits the expression of many feelings.  So much so that I find myself reluctant to write that “some parents feel a tremendous loss” when they have a child with special needs, ASD or otherwise.  Life is going to be different than what was hoped for and/or expected.  Life events are going to be different and “yes’ while there is much to celebrate, there are also feelings of loss and disappointment.  These feelings will continue throughout the life span and need to be accepted and worked through each time they occur.  I am concerned that while some families are able to do the work on their own and find ways to celebrate, there are many families that have different feelings and thoughts, that need expression as well.  It is my belief that unless the ASD community is open to discussion about all the feelings positive and negative, angry and resentful, feelings of loss and being burdened by the extra stresses a special needs child represents, the community is not fully addressing all the needs of all their families within the ASD community.


At the end of the day and in the middle of the night, all of these questions will remain lingering in our minds, wondering what is right, if we did enough hoping we are finding the “right way”, we must stay on the quest for knowledge and balance it with instincts. These dialogues are vital to our community and to honoring and respecting our Autistic loved ones in their pursuit of happiness and progress. If we are to be shaping behavior, we must listen to the voices of those acting to catch our attention and let us know what is really going on. We might want to look at how our behavior needs shaping as well! 

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