My most vivid memory from junior high school was in the locker room. We were changing into our gym suits and I noticed Stuart’s very hairy chest and legs. That’s all. End of story. But that, of all things, was my most vivid memory from junior high school.

Hair. It may be our most observed body part, at least if the amount of money we spend on it is any indication. Shampoo, conditioner, (with hundreds of kinds to choose from,) haircuts, hair color, perms, hair extensions. Moving downward: Eyebrow makeup, eyebrow stitching or plucking, eyelash mascara, eyelash extensions, mustache and beard trimmers, nose and ear hair removers, chest-hair or down-there waxing or shaving. If we’re balding, there’s Rogaine, or a few grand on a hairpiece or transplants.

This year’s we’ll spend $80 billion just on the hair on our head. A Huffington Post reporter queried seven of her friends: On average, they spent $4,000 a year on their hair! And despite tough economic times, we’re not ready to cut back—The opposite: By 2021, hair care spending is projected to increase to $94.5 billion.

We don’t just spend money on hair, we spend time. Every day, we use hair torturing devices to blow, curl, straighten, and otherwise manipulate our locks. Women and metrosexual guys shave their legs and underarms. Every time we pass a mirror, we make sure our hair looks its best.

And if it doesn’t, we’re afflicted with the dreaded disease: Bad Hair Day, that ineffable, inexplicable tiny but significant variation in how our hair lays. It may only reflect hundredths of an inch but it can make the difference between feeling hot and feeling disgusting.

And heaven forbid, we get a “bad” haircut. That can deflate some people for two months.

Should you give more or less attention to your hair? 

Perhaps reading all this reminds you that our hair obsession is absurd, shallow preoccupation with the trivial. Or perhaps you want to spend more time on your hair realizing how important it is to your self-esteem and how many people notice it-- Hey, Stuart, I still remember yours!

Marty Nemko's bio is in Wikipedia.

I learned a valuable happiness lesson thanks to a near-death experience on a moped in Mykonos. This collision of inspiration happened about 20 years ago, on vacation with my two good friends, Robyn and Art. We’d each rented mopeds to travel to a distant beach. Robyn and Art were nervous about their moped skills. I was not.

Back in New York, where I lived (and happily still do live – thanks to a miracle of sorts!) I was an avid cyclist. As soon as I slipped my toosh onto that moped seat, I felt just as home traveling the winding hills of Greece, as I did on my Trek bike in Central Park.

Robyn and Art however were more trepid riders. They preferred to go snail-pace slowly. The path we were on was highly winding – like the top of a soft serve ice cream cone – swirling round and round. The beach where we wanted to go was located where the bottom of the cone would be.

For a while I moved at the same slow and steady pace as my friends. Eventually I decided to speed ahead – just for a few minutes – to feel the wind muss up my hair. I was in the midst of my speed-ahead-jaunt, when suddenly the wind morphed from friendly and breezy into mean and mischievous. It brutally swept in – and began thrusting me to my right – where an incredibly steep cliff awaited.

I needed to make a split second decision:

(a) continue to head right – and off that steep cliff

(b) try to turn the moped left – and smoosh into a mountain side

I chose mountain side.

I tapped into all my upper arm strength and swerved the moped towards the mountain wall. Just as I was about to hit smack into the wall, I put all my might into swerving the moped again – this time, as far away from the mountain wall as I could muscle going.

It worked.

Sort of.

I didn’t hit the mountain wall; however, I did find my various arms and legs trapped beneath and within the moped.

My first immediate emotion was not pain. It was fear of embarrassment. I didn’t want my friends to see me entangled and disgraced.

I quickly stood up and began wiping off evidence of the loose gravel now clinging to my arms and legs. I breathed in deeply – breathed out even more deeply. I was hoping to calm myself – fast. I wanted to appear cool and collected by the time my friends arrived.

It didn’t work.

Not even sort of.

“Karen, what happened to you?” my friend Art asked the moment he saw me.

“You’re gushing blood,” my friend Robyn added. “Look at your arms! Look at your knees! There’s blood everywhere.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked in disbelief. “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.”

“You’re not okay,” insisted Art.

But I truly did not see or feel my injuries.

“Yes I am okay,” I insisted. “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.”

Robyn came over – held up my right arm for me to examine more carefully. “Karen, this elbow in particular is bleeding a lot. See?”

It took a while, but eventually I could clearly see my bloody injuries. As soon as I did, I began feeling them too. Incredible pain. I became dizzy. I could barely talk. 

Admittedly, I preferred to have never seen or felt the truth of my wounds. So much so, I still kept insisting to my friends I was okay – although I was now throbbing all over with pain. I refused to see a doctor, and stoically got back on that cursed moped (yikes!) and continued to the beach -where I proceded to drink lots of Ouzo! At the time, I was highly proud of my inner strength.

Thankfully since this Mykonos Episode, I haven’t experienced other near death experiences – at least in the physical sense.

However, I have had a few “emotional-near-death-experiences” – where I felt like my life had come to an end.

During these tough times, I wanted to be strong – which is good.

However I wanted to feel strong immediately – which is problematic.

“How are you doing?” friends would ask during bigtime break ups, post-sexual-assault, the death of my father, the shock of business betrayals – and other challenging events.

“I’m okay!” I’d answer. “I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay.”

Just like on that mountain in Mykonos, I’d plead okay-ness. For some reason, I felt that it was not okay to be not okay. I didn’t want my friends to see my spirit entangled within the wheels of life’s challenges. I didn’t want my friends to potentially judge my foolishness in having crashed my heart into that giant wall of shame called “What Were You Thinking?”

Some of this was due to the belief that as a self help author I should be held to a higher standard of pain avoidance and pain threshold. Although truth be told, I’ve always felt more comfy as helper than helpee. All my life my immediate response to emotional pain has been to make jokes. Lots of jokes. Plus I’d eat chocolate. Far too much chocolate. One of my go-to jokes was saying how I believed “chocolate” was one of the 5 stages of grief.

I’d joke so much about my gut-wrenching pain that I came up with a word for this: “enterpaining.” Ohhhh how I loved to “enterpain” people!

I even made dark-humored jokes after my sexual assault – quipping how I was extra surprised by the event stages of grief- because didn’t think I was wearing such an attractive outfit that day! Plus, my bellows humor came into bigtime play after a devastating break up. “It seems my fiance went from jackpot to jack*ss,” was a favorite joke at the time.

I’d do whatever I could to put my tragedy into a quick spin-cycle of humor and try to re-tell it all as a comedic story – laughing my canned, highly hollow laugh-track of one.

I thought I was covering up my pain in a nice pretty party-friendly dress of “enterpainment” – but alas, this cover-up seemed to be slightly see-through.

“Are you okay?” friends would continue to ask – holding my gaze – searching for tear precipitation ahead.

“I’m okay,” I’d insist. “I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay – OKAY?!”

But I was far from okay.

Sometimes when I was alone I could feel a surge of uncontrollable tears about to surface. I’d run to the kitchen – gobble down some chocolate – then set my oven alarm to go off in five minutes. I’d return to the living room, throw myself onto my sofa – and cry, cry, cry, cry, cry – until that oven alarm went off five minutes later. I’d then command my tears to stop. True story! I was even afraid to reveal my vulnerability alone to myself!

I was anorexic in my approach to indulging in tears, miserly in my vulnerability allowance. I thought I was healing faster, smarter, better.

Unfortunately my personally plotted pain avoidance tools of humor, chocolate and oven timers were not much faster, smarter or better than those more famous strategies of alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex, gambling, sleeping pills, overly-busying yourself with work, etc.

All of these techniques share in common the same mission: A hope that denial will remove our pain – but meanwhile it simply delays our healing process – because we’re not tending to our emotional wounds with the appropriate salves of awareness, compassion and honest connections with others.

Share honest connection with others? That last one was a real doozy to do.

I feared vulnerability more than my actual emotional pain itself!

I worried if I showed people this slightly-damaged Karen they’d demand an immediate exchange – request to swap this Imperfect Me in for The Original-Flavored Karen they’d ordered – the strong, “enterpaining,” light and bouncy Karen.

But then one day I was working out at the gym – and I was unable to do a variety of free weight maneuvers – due to old injuries to my elbow from my Mykonos moped collision. I could feel – and even hear – an uncomfortable clicking sound. Soon after my elbow began to bug me regularly – getting dressed, doing yoga, carrying anything heavy.

I thought back to the accident – how I’d stoically refused to confess my pain and see a doctor. It was now obvious. Because I never faced the truth of my wounds – I didn’t wisely take the time to re-set what was apparently a fractured elbow – thereby some bones had permanently settled into misalignment. 

In that moment I experienced a Large Aha! I realized how pleading “okayness” was not only detrimental to my physical healing, but my emotional healing!

By insisting “okayness” during personal challenges (break ups, my sexual assault, my father’s passing, that shocking business betrayal etc…) I was not tending properly to the healing of my inner self. 

I started to do some research on resiliency psychology. The info I discovered not only personally helped me, the tools inspired both the Bounce Back Book and Prince Harming Syndrome. One consistent finding: There’s a kind of magic which happens when you speak your truth about pain. A science-based magic, actually!

Recent research by Matthew Lieberman at UCLA shows that simply being able to name a distressing emotion out loud halves your “amygdala activation”—otherwise known as your “emotionality.” So, by simply sharing how you feel you can calm yourself by 50%.

Plus, many research studies support how when you begin talking about your emotions, you leave the “fight and flight” animal instinct part of your brain – and begin to tap into your neocortex – where rational thinking and helpful insights can be found. I call this “adding insight to injury” – and it’s a powerful healing agent.

Insight enables you make sure you don’t allow negative beliefs to get permanently set in your thinking – just the same way you wouldn’t want fractured bones to be permanently set into place. 

It’s so essential to happiness to speak your truth out loud – because this sharing of your core pain is what creates a necessary healing shift – from negative beliefs about the world – to positive beliefs – and frees you up to be able to fully view life with meaning, purpose and connection with others. Emile Zola said it well when he said: “If you ask me what I came into this life to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud.”

My son Ari is now 4 years old. When he’s upset about something he likes to kick and punch whoever is nearest to him – which is often me. I tell him: “Don’t kick me – say how you feel! Use your words! Use your words!”

As soon my son begins to express how he feels, the kicks and punches stop. His body becomes less tense, his breathing less rapid. I suppose brain scientists would say it’s because my son is leaving his “fight or flight” brain zone (which is what inspired those kicks and punches in the first place) and tapping into his neocortex – allowing him to formulate his mayhem thoughts into relatable feelings and sentences.

Whatever the scientific reason for my son’s shift from chaotic to calm, I’ve witnessed the magic which happens when my my son takes the time to share his truth out loud.

Here’s another interesting research study on the power of speaking your truth – from Dr. Dina Carbonell of Simmons College. Dr. Carbonell tracked 400 people – from ages 5 to 30 for 25 years – seeking the main characteristics of those who did best in difficult circumstances.

Her most important finding?

“Resilient people identify those who are available, trustworthy and helpful. Then they go toward this light.”

I know for many years I didn’t feel safe going towards this light – fearing it would burn me. I hid behind the mask of “okay-ness” – blocking this nourishing light from coming in.

Truth be told – I wasn’t sure who to trust with knowing my big secret: I am not perfect!

Yes, for many years I felt I needed to hide my flaws and vulnerabilities – fearful people would like me less if I didn’t keep presenting myself as more!

One day I made a list of my friends – then got quiet. I asked myself: Who is 100% rooting for me to live my happiest life — not competing or jealous? Who do I always feel happier after visiting – not more stressed or depressed? I recognized these were my “Safe People.” I began revealing the truth of my pain – slowly at first – with those on the “The Safe List.”

Some people I soon discovered weren’t as safe as I thought. I could feel their discomfort around my imperfect self. However, with other friends I wound up developing far stronger relationships! Indeed, one of the indirectly good things about bad times: It can bring you closer to people, because sharing intimate conversation bonds you in a far deeper, more meaningful way than mere shoe shopping will ever do.

The people to truly treasure in life are those who have seen you at your worst – and still think you are the best. The folks who are happy for your happiness – and sad for your sadness – and make it crystal clear they are there for you – no matter what.

I’ve also happily discovered that when your friendship circle decreases in number it’s actually increasing in value!

In my research for Bounce Back Book, I wrote about the 5 real stages of grief – which Elizabeth Kübler-Ross famously outlined. Although Elizabeth does not include chocolate, she does call the first stage “Denial and Isolation” -which indirectly refers to pigging out!

Here’s the full 5 Stages Of Grief:

STAGE #1: DENIAL AND ISOLATION: “This is not happening to me.”

STAGE #2: ANGER: “How dare this happen to me.”

STAGE #3: BARGAINING: “Just let me get X and I won’t care about Y,” or “If this doesn’t happen, I promise to . . .”

STAGE #4: DEPRESSION: “I can’t bear to face going through this.”

STAGE #5: ACCEPTANCE: “I’m ready; I don’t want to struggle anymore.”

When I look with new eyes at these 5 stages I can clearly see how pleading okay-ness showed a complete disregard for accepting the full 5 stages of the healing process. I wanted to zoom from stage 1 to stage 5 in an instant. However just as pregnancy is a process which cannot be rushed, the same goes for the process of recovery from pain – both the physical and emotional kinds. You must fearlessly face up to the truth of your wounds to heal fully. You must give time time – and be patient and gentle with yourself.

It’s interesting this word “fearless.” It’s composed of “fear” and “less. But when you are “fearless” it doesn’t mean you experience less fear. Indeed courageous people feel just as much fear. It’s just that they choose to keep moving through their fear. In a way this word “fearless” should be renamed “fearthrough.”

If you’re dealing with a personal challenge right now – and tempted to stay in denial and isolation – my hope for you is that you move through your pain! Please allow yourself to be “fearthrough” – and face up to the truth of your core pain – not only while alone with yourself – but in the company of Safe Friends.

As I repeatedly remind my son – and now myself: “Say how you feel! Use your words! Use your words!”

Karen Salmansohn is a best selling author with over 1 million books sold - known for her book Prince Harming Syndrome and The Bounce Back Book. More info at notsalmon.com. 

In their younger years, they were inseparable.  They begged for playdates, planned out sleepovers, coordinated afterschool activities, and just seemed to find genuine joy in each other’s company.  It was a match made in heaven, you observed, and you felt so lucky that your child had found such a positive friendship so early on in life.

Then, things changed.  Seemingly overnight.  One day, you are cajoling your tween to take a break from her 3-hour texting marathon with her bestie, and the next you notice that her cell phone suddenly sounds like radio silence. 

Your daughter is devastated by this abrupt cut-off.  You watch as she desperately tries to figure out why her friend has stopped responding to texts and how come none of the kids at her lunch table will talk to her anymore.  But she can’t seem to glean any understanding of the cause.  She only knows with certainty that nothing is the same.

What can you do for your child when he or she is on the receiving end of a sudden deep freeze from former friends?

 1.       Make Time (first and foremost!)

When kids are little, many parents are diligent about establishing a schedule—feeding times, naptimes, bath times, and bedtimes are all guided by the clock and directed by an adult.  By the tween and teen years, however, young people are exercising developmentally appropriate behavior when they exert control over their own schedules.  Too often, however, this control manifests itself in the frustrating fact that kids don’t want to talk to their parents at traditionally-scheduled times of the day.

In fact, chances are excellent that when you first see your child after school and ask him about his day, his answer will be a simple “Fine,” no matter how terrible, horrible, or very bad the day may actually have been.  And at the dinner table when you inquire about your daughter’s school…or friends…or whatever you think might engage her…she offers an equally unimpressive mono-syllabic answer.

You are far from alone if you fret that your child won’t give you the time of day, but know this: when your child does decide he wants to talk about what is going on in his life, it is critical that you make the time to listen.  No standing on ceremony, no reminding him that he didn’t want to talk when you approached him at dinnertime.  If you want to have a positive relationship with your child and help him through painful experiences, make time for him even when it is not convenient.  Especially when it is not convenient.

I know, I know; you are exhausted at 10pm and need to get a good night’s rest for tomorrow.  You have errands to run.  You have emails to answer.  You are really, truly busy.   I get that.   Your child does too.  Part of her selecting this most inconvenient moment to engage you in the conversation you had been hoping to have earlier in the day is to test whether or not you really care. 

Why should you have to prove this to your child after all you have given to them?  That’s a story for another article.  What’s important to know now is that when young people are hurting over their peer relationships, they are in need of support from adults.  We’re stuck with our tasks and our To Do lists until they are (eventually) completed, but our kids grow up—and grow away from us--very quickly.  Don’t miss an opportunity to give them time, even if they ask for it inconveniently.

 2.        Support, Support, Support

Or, in other words, listen, listen, listen. I talk with so many parents who confess to me, “I never know what to say when she tells me what is going on with her friends.  She gets so upset but I don’t know how to fix it for her.”

As parents, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to have the magic words and the right answers to quickly solve our kids’ problems.  The bad news is that kids’ friendship struggles are complicated and not easily amenable to simple solutions.  The good news, however, is that when I talk to young people about what they are looking for from their parents, most of them tell me things like, “I just wish they would listen,” and “My mom is always trying to give me advice but it doesn’t help because she doesn’t know what it’s like in middle school these days.  I just need to be able to vent to her sometimes without her freaking out.”  Indeed, overwhelmingly, what I hear from young people is that they are not looking to be fixed, but rather they desperately want to feel heard and understood. 

 3.        Help Her Cast a Wide Net

Peer conflicts are very often context-specific.  A child who is the target of social exclusion in her school may well find herself accepted and valued by her basketball teammates or her theatre friends.  One of the simplest, yet most powerful prevention strategies for helping kids cope with friendship challenges is to encourage them to cast a wide net—to seek out friendships both in their neighborhood, at school, on a team, through a club, and with a youth group, etc.  Parents play an important role in making sure that their kids don’t put all of their nest eggs into a single peer group basket, but rather develop genuine relationships with multiple peers and all kinds of friendship groups. 

Along with offering kids a diverse network of supportive peers, cultivating a child’s involvement in teams, clubs, theatre groups, etc. has the added benefit of giving them interests that they can focus on, rather than perseverating on a friendship that has gone awry.  We want our kids to have passions and purpose.  They make kids feel successful and valued and are a far better alternative to the very 21^st century adolescent practice of basing self-esteem on a number of “likes,” a quantity of “followers,” or an amount of texts (not) received from a friend in a day.

 4.        Resist the Urge to Speak Ill of Your Child’s Former Friends

I know it can be tempting, especially if a friend or peer group is especially cruel, but be smart and bite your tongue.  Here’s why: friendships change quickly.  When you trash talk and condemn your child’s former friend—and then two days later they become BFF’s again—things can get awkward between you and your child.  Even if everything you said was spot on and your child took comfort in your well-intentioned words at the time, you may well get bumped out of the confidante seat when the friendship is back on track—and you don’t want that.

Even if the friendship doesn’t resume, your maintenance of a dignified, respectful regard for the former friend sets the tone for how your child will behave toward those with whom she is in conflict.  Whether we relish the job or not, we are role models at all times.

 5.       Help Kids Understand that a Friendship Breakup is not a Failure

Parents play a key role in helping kids understand the inevitability of change in interpersonal relationships.  In other words, it’s helpful to remind your child that a friendship breakup is not a failure, but rather a predictable (albeit painful) part of growing up.  Just as kids’ bodies, interests, and hobbies are changing over time, so will their friendships--and that’s OK!  Make it a point to teach your son or daughter to value the positive parts of a friendship but also to be ready to move on from them—when the time is right—with grace and with dignity.

 6.       Make Use of Teachable Moments

If there is a situation where you see your child being mistreated by a friend again and again, this is an opportunity to teach him or her what real friendship is all about.  In this digital age, some kids start to believe that friendship is all about quantity—a number of likes and followers—instead of quality.  Remind your child that a genuine friendship should leave him feeling good about himself.  If all your child feels is uncertainty and insecurity, reassure him that it is a healthy thing to move away from anyone who doesn’t respect him and treat him well. 

 7.       Create Distance with Dignity

On that note, teach your child that the way she ends a friendship matters.  A helpful mantra for tweens and teens is: create distance with dignity.  No matter what your daughter’s friends are doing—how cold or exclusive they have become—encourage her to avoid ugly wars of words.  Remind her not to use fake apologies or justify unkindness with “just kidding.”  Discourage her from talking badly about the former friends to others or online.  In fact, teach your child not to put much energy into the broken friendship at all.  Appreciate it for what it once was, but shift her focus to all that is going right in her life—to the friendships and activities that help her feel good about herself.

8.        Pay Attention to What’s Happening Online

Help kids disengage from unhealthy friendships online.  For kids caught up in the FOMO (fear of missing out) and an obsession with likes and followers, it can be even harder to end the online aspects of a friendship than it is to let go of the live, personal relationship.  Adults need to be sensitive to this.  Well-intentioned advice such as telling kids to shut down a social media account or log off entirely is often unrealistic and drives a wedge between parents and kids at just the time that kids need their parents the most.  Every situation is different, but adults are most helpful when they support kids in the process of disengaging from unhealthy friendships online rather than demanding that kids stop using technology altogether.

 9.       Don’t Take Any of it Personally

There is an old saying that kids who need love the most will ask for it in the most unloving of ways.  Truer words were never spoken when it comes to the moody, disrespectful ways that some young people lash out against loved ones when friendship struggles are at their worst.  If your child takes his pain out on you, be willing to look beyond her behavior in the moment and empathically tune in to what is really driving her hurtful words and actions. 

Am I suggesting that parents give kids a free pass to be disrespectful anytime something goes wrong with a friend?  No, of course not.  Kids need to learn to manage their intense emotions and treat others respectfully at all times.   But what I am pointing out is that when parents allow themselves to get distracted by surface misbehavior, they push their children away at just the time that the young person needs to be held most closely.  In the heat of the moment, don’t take anything your child says personally but do remember how desperately she needs your love and support at this time in her life.

Signe Whitson is a licensed therapist, school counselor, and national educator on Bullying Prevention.  She is the author of four books, including 8 Keys to End Bullying: Strategies for Parents & Schools and Friendship & Other Weapons: Group Activities to Help Young Girls Cope with Bullying.  For workshop inquiries, please visit www.signewhitson.com.

Dear Dr. G.,

I really need your help. I am a 22 year old boy in a deep depression. I have a rootless life with little passion and suicidal thoughts.

Actually I am not able to focus on anything very keenly especially when it comes to my studies.Whenever I start studying past bad images of my life starts to come in my life. This has been happening for the last 5 to 6 years. I had and now even have some very bad experiences that always tortures me and demoralizes me. One very bad experience of my life is that I have no girlfriend or no affair in my life even though I had to tried a lot to impress girls while I was in high school and college but every time i was unsuccessful. This really gives me a very sorrowful feeling. Please make suggestions and guide me.

Thank you Dr. G.

A Very Sad Young Man

Dear Sad Young Man,

I am very happy that you wrote to me. You make it very clear that you are feeling deeply depressed. I have to believe that you have some hope that life can get better and that is why you are reaching out to me. FANTASTIC. I have hope and I believe in change. I also believe that most individuals can find their way out of depression with the right treatment and support.

You describe having terrible thoughts that interfere with studying. It appears that you've been suffering with these thoughts for a number of years. I am not sure what you have experienced in your life but clearly you need to talk to somebody about what these thoughts and memories are so that they don't continue to interfere with your daily functioning. You also need to see a therapist immediately to get help with your depression. You may even need medication to help you out of the deep abyss of depression.

You have been trying unsuccessfully to find a girlfriend. While a girlfriend might make you feel more connected it is not the answer to curing your depression. When you are feeling less depressed and less pressure to find a girlfriend you will likely be more successful in this arena.

Please get a recommendation for a good therapist and make an appointment as soon as possible. Going to therapy is a sign of strength not weakness and my hope is that it will make you a stronger young man who is able to have a more joyous and fulfilling life. No one deserves to live with the deep pain of depression. Please get back to me.

Good luck.

Dr. G.

For more articles like this see my website:

http://drbarbaragreenberg.com/

In the 1991 film Until the End of the World director Wim Wenders imagined a near-future in which people use videophones, portable computers, facial recognition software, robotic vehicles, and many other technological marvels that have in fact become regular features of 21^st century life.  The greatest innovation of all is saved for the final section of the film, when a specially designed biochemical camera is found to have the power of recording people’s dreams and then replaying them on a video screen. 

Naturally, the CIA is trying to steal it.

The movie takes a long time to reach the scenes with the dream recorder (the original director’s cut was four and a half hours long; the commercially released version was two and a half hours).  The final, apocalyptic setting is somewhere in the Australian outback, a place evoking ancient myths of timeless dreaming.  The power of the dream decoding device is literally mesmerizing, as the characters become totally consumed with the infinitely creative spectacle of their own dream lives.

How close are modern scientists to fulfilling this alluring vision of a scanner that can read and reproduce people’s dreams? 

It might seem we are almost there, based on the findings of a research study published in 2013.  Yukiyasu Kamitani and his colleagues at the ATR Computational Neuroscience Laboratories in Kyoto, Japan used fMRI brain scanning methods to compare people’s brain patterns when they dreamed of a particular object (such as “car”) and when they looked at that object in waking life.  They used these correlations to assess the brain patterns in new dreams and make predictions about whether the object was or was not present in each given dream.  In an interview with Mo Costandi of the Guardian, Kamitani said, “We built a model to predict whether each category of content was present in the dreams. By analyzing the brain activity during the nine seconds before we woke the subjects, we could predict whether a man is in the dream or not, for instance, with an accuracy of 75-80%.”

This is fascinating and important research showing that the same high-order brain systems involved in waking visual perception are also central to dreaming experience. 

Most of the media attention surrounding this study was directed toward its futuristic implications.  Less attention was given to the critical questions we should reasonably be asking about these advancing technologies. 

First, what about REM dreams?  It’s important to note the researchers used the fMRI scans on people during the hypnogogic state between waking and sleeping.  Hypnogogic dreams tend to be rather brief and trivial, in contrast to the longer, more symbolic and vivid dream experiences usually associated with REM (rapid eye movement) sleep.  It would be wise to refrain from making claims about all dreams based only on data from sleep onset. Unfortunately, gaining comparable data from REM sleep will be very difficult given how much more complicated and intense the brain’s activities are during REM.  Huge technological leaps will be required before researchers can perform a detailed fMRI scan of people’s brains while they are dreaming in REM sleep. 

Second, what about the non-visual qualities of dreaming?  Dreams are not merely linear strings of visual images.   They are multi-sensory, emotionally rich, cognitively complex phenomena that emerge out of a densely-woven tapestry of personal life history and cultural traditions.  Dreaming is a “whole brain” experience.  Vision is often the most important sensory modality, but the fullness and depth of the dream world derives from more than one channel of perceptual information.  A device that cannot account for the holistic, integrative processes of the brain during sleep will not be able to faithfully represent the experiential qualities of a person’s dreams.

Third, what about the obvious potentials for abuse?  In Wenders’ movie the Aborigines flee in horror when they realize what the mad scientist (Max Von Sydow) is trying to do with the device and its “Dream Tap” program.  The CIA’s interest in dream decoding is never specified, but 20+ years later we can easily imagine how this kind of technology could be put to malevolent purposes by the surveillance state: interrogating prisoners, controlling the minds of enemies, monitoring ordinary people for signs of possible dissent and disobedience… 

This is why every time a new development is reported in brain scanning technology—and dramatic innovations will happen with increasing frequency, thanks to public-private partnerships like President Obama’s BRAIN Initiative—we should ask pointed questions about the moral implications and potentials for abuse.  The more quickly and clearly we anticipate the possible dangers of using such technologies, the more likely we can find effective ways to protect against them 

The best way to start that effort is with the cardinal principle of ethical dream research: Respect the dreamer.  In practical terms this means new technologies should guarantee the dreamers have a meaningful role in deciding who has access to their dream data, how much they can access, what they can do with it, and for how long. This principle should be built into the digital architecture of any device designed to record and analyze people’s dreams.

Depression is the most common mental illness among adolescents. Research tells us that 11% of teenagers have a diagnosable depressive disorder, but that only 1 in 5 teenagers get the help they need. So, how do parents know if their child is just going through teenage angst or dealing with a serious mental illness?

While moodiness, irritability and isolation are often hallmarks of teenage growing pains, it can be hard to realize where the line begins for mood disorders. The rule of thumb when dealing with depression is to examine three areas in a teen’s life to gauge what’s truly going on.  

Symptoms of Depression in Teenagers

While some of the following can be considered behaviors of a teen moving through the angst of adolescence, other symptoms are indicative of a more serious issue going on. The first thing is for parents to become familiar with these symptoms.

• Anger, hostility, outbursts
• Argumentativeness
• Changes in eating and sleeping – either too much or too little
• Difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue or lack of energy
• Feelings of guilt or underserving of love
• Giving things away
• Grooming issues
• Helplessness
• Hopelessness
• Irritability
• Isolation
• Lack of enthusiasm and motivation
• Loss of interest in school work and/or activities
• Low self-esteem
• Minimizing or masking symptoms
• Missing school
• Negative thinking
• Not enjoying things that used to bring happiness
• Physical aches and pains
• Poor grades
• Reliance on alcohol or drugs to self-medicate
• Retreating kinds of behaviors
• Restlessness
• Risk-taking behavior
• Sadness
• Self-harming behaviors
• Sensitive to criticism
• Spending a lot of time alone
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Withdrawal from friends and family

Areas of Concern

The next thing parents need to do is look at several aspects in their child’s life. The following three areas are what clinicians look at when diagnosing. They involve the Intensity of feelings and behaviors; the Duration of these experiences and finally the Domains in which they take place.

1. Intensity: This involves the kind of thoughts and feelings a teenager is experiencing. Do they come and go – meaning they’re here one day and gone the next?  Are they mild, but chronic in their presentation? Are they moderate, interfering with school, home and social experiences? Are they so disruptive that you teen can’t get out of bed, is self-harming or suicidal thinking is being expressed? Measuring the intensity will help determine if the issues are a passing mood or symptoms of a mood disorder.

2. Duration. This looks at the timeline of experiences. Does the moodiness present suddenly and is gone moments later? Is it followed by many good days in a row? Or is it more chronic, presenting for longer periods of time without any breaks? If the duration of symptoms is two weeks or longer, there is likely a depressive disorder operating.

3. Domains. Teen angst tends to get the best of us parents and teachers, but adolescents can reel it in with their friends or with others. Psychological disorders, however, are often pervasive, meaning they tend to present in nearly all situations and circumstances and are not controlled by will. So, a depressed teenager will likely have difficulties functioning in school, at home, with peers, in social events as well as with their own sense of self. 

What to Do Next

If you think your child is struggling with something more than the expected growing pains of teenage years, take your concerns immediately to your child’s pediatrician or a mental health professional in your community. Diagnosing depression and receiving treatment early can derail the seriousness of the disorder. Upwards of 80% of teenagers who begin treatment for a mood disorder respond to treatment.

Dr. Deborah Serani is a psychologist and author of the award-winning books Depression and Your Child: A Guide for Parents and Caregivers and Living with Depression by Rowman & Littlefield.

In this three-part blog I’m going to examine three dominant and powerful women: The Dominatrix, Cuckoldress, and the Hot Wife, and the men who seemingly need them. In Part I, I’ll discuss the Dominatrix. Part II will address the lesser known Cuckoldress and Hot Wife. And in Part III, I’ll examine the sexually passive men who paradoxically and simultaneously experience the pain and pleasure of being dominated. The dominatrix, cuckoldress, and hot wife are not listed in the DSM-V (2013). But because they vary in frequency and intensity, they can qualify as a form of sexual humiliation or sadism depending on the level of impairment.

I became particularly interested in this subject matter after having noticed an increase in the number of couples entering my clinical practice to work out the kinks (no pun intended) of their female-dominant/male-submissive relationships. Much of this work centered on one or both partners breaking an agreed upon contract. For example, a self-identified cuckoldress brought her husband to treatment because “he had the nerve” to cheat on her with another woman. A passive male cuckold insisted on marital counseling because his wife took a lover that he hated.

I’ll admit that while I’ve seen my share of cuckoldresses and hot wives over the years, I’ve only treated a handful of dominatrices. One dominatrix wanted out of the field, while the others had some difficulty separating their professional and personal persona. Nevertheless, I believe fewer dominatrices present for treatment in part, because as professionals they have comparatively less of an emotional investment in their relations as do the cuckoldress and hot wife. Dominatrices may also have more control over their contractual agreements because they were formed with clients, not their intimate partners. It’s always harder to deal with family.

A Shift in Power

Kraft-Ebing (1886/1965) believed that it made evolutionary sense that a man be dominant and a woman, passive. Men were to fight off rival suitors and other dangers, and to procreate. Women were to contribute to this process by voluntarily subordinating to men. Kraft-Ebing easily extrapolated from this that men tended towards the aggressive and sadistic, and women towards the passive and masochistic. This stance is somewhat in tune with Freud (1905/1953) and Deustch’s (1944) belief that females are innately masochistic and passive.

According to Kahn (2009), times have changed as women are now somewhat freer to assert their dominance over men in all phases of life, but not without a struggle. The author contended that many societies were having an extremely hard time allowing for this exchange of power and control to happen…particularly in a sexual context. In her article, “Putting a dominatrix in her place: The representation and regulation of female dom/male sub sexuality,” Kahn demonstrated that “social anxiety” sets in when women act or are even perceived to be more dominant and powerful than men…and men passive and weak. To her point, she compared the dynamics of the famous Canadian legal ordeal of Terri-jean Bedford, a dominatrix wrongly accused of prostitution, to the way dominatrices are treated in film. Kahn reported that the police and judge became the dominant forces, and abusively relegated Bedford to a submissive. In the films Kahn used for comparison, strong white males eventually conquered, tamed and domesticated the dominatrices. The objective: to curb social anxiety by restoring man to his rightful position of power over women.

Dominatrix: Definition

Dominatrix is the feminine form of the Latin dominator, a ruler or lord, and was originally used in a non-sexual sense dating back to around 1561. The term dominatrix is sometimes used to describe a professional dominant (or "pro-domme") who is paid to engage in BDSM (i.e., bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism) with a submissive. An appointment or role play is referred to as a "session," and is often conducted in a dedicated professional space which has been set up with specialist equipment, such as a "dungeon." In our advanced technological world sessions may now be conducted remotely by phone, email or online chat.

While it is most common to think of the dominatrix as a woman wielding power over men, many do have female submissives. Also contrary to popular belief, the dominatrix doesn’t always inflict physical pain on the submissive. The domination may be verbal, involving humiliating tasks and servitude.

To differentiate women who identify as a dominatrix but do not offer paid services, non-professional dominants are occasionally referred to as a "lifestyle" dominatrix or mistress. It should be noted that the term "lifestyle" to signify BDSM is a contentious topic in the BDSM community and that many true dominatrices view it as unprofessional. Nevertheless, some professional dominatrices are also "lifestyle" dominatrices. That is, in addition to paid sessions with submissive clients they engage in unpaid recreational sessions or may incorporate power exchange within their own private lives and relationships.

The Dominatrix is a female archetype associated with a particular dress and props that signify her role as a strong, dominant, sexualized woman. Black leather corsets, thigh-high boots with high stiletto heels, fishnet stockings, and a whip are familiar to most people. The profession originated as a specialization within brothels, before becoming its own unique craft.

Facts and Fallacies

There are many facts and fallacies about dominatrices that I will attempt to clear up with the help of a few scholars (Brame, Brame, & Jacobs, 2009; Febos, 2010; Winemaker, 2008). They are as follows:

1. Many dominatrices work with female submissives.

2. Dominatrices usually do not offer oral sex or intercourse

3. Many can separate their personal and professional identities

4. Professional dominatrices stay emotionally detached and mysterious

5. It’s usually more about power and control than sex

6. If the dominatrix becomes sexual with a submissive, she loses her power

7. Dressing up is about power and elegance

8. Their lair is called a “dungeon”

9. Most dominatrices live in major cities

10. The average fee is about $200 per session

11. Many dominatrices hold graduate degrees

12. Some dominatrices receive no personal enjoyment—it’s only about the money

13. Most receive personal enjoyment

14. Figuring out and meeting a submissive’s needs is the main high for many dominatrices

15. Another high is the level of trust given to them by the submissive

16. Reducing the submissive to a state of erotic helplessness is also a high

17. There is a some evidence that the dynamic creates a strong physiological bond (i.e., oxytocin)

18. Some prefer S/M (i.e., “sexual magic”) to S&M

19. Activities vary. Not all dominatrices inflict physical pain—some only verbal humiliation

20. Many dominatrices specialize but it’s harder to make a living this way…so they’re flexible

21. Many believe the submissive is actually more in charge

22. Some dominatrices believe the opposite gender is truly inferior

23. Many do not like it when a submissive sets too many conditions--it's unnatural to the process

24. Struggle is appreciated because “bending to the will” of the client is a high

25. Most dominatrices undergo an apprenticeship referred to as “starting from the bottom”

26. Many experiment with being submissive to understand what it feels like for their clients

27. Pushing or stretching a submissive’s limits is enjoyed…but scary for the submissive

28. “Suspension of disbelief” or keeping it as real as possible is most important to the process

29. Slapping a sub in the face is considered by some “the most humiliating act”

30. Depersonalization is considered controversial; it is preferred by extreme dominatrices

31. Dom or sub preference will depend a lot on one’s nonsexual personality

32. Some people can be both dominant and submissive but most prefer one over the other

33. There are organizations centered on a dom/sub culture

The Origin

The origin of a dominatrix may vary, but the most common factors associated with becoming a one are:

1. Adolescent curiosity

2. An association is made between an object of pain (e.g., whip) and excitement/pleasure

3. The association continues to be reinforced throughout a person’s life

4. Lack of maternal attention

5. Lack of maternal affection

6. Little to no control, sexual and otherwise

7. Sexual abuse

8. A need for money

In Defense of Anxiety

Most of the dominatrices I have treated do not present as overtly anxious but their histories confirm a significant loss of power or control in their families of origin. This loss may have come in the form of abuse, sexual or otherwise, or in the nonsexual context of feeling powerless or “without a voice” in the family. In some cases, an abusive parent may have inspired a budding dominatrix to fear relinquishing control. Paradoxically, a passive parent who failed to intervene on a child’s behalf may have inadvertently provided the same level of inspiration for that child to grow up and demand the power position in an attempt to avoid further vulnerability.

A Final Thought

Like it or not, the dominatrix is a part of us. The black leather catsuit entered mainstream culture in the 1960s and still remains. Strong, independent women capable of kicking a man’s butt like Catwoman or the more contemporary Lara Croft, serve as role models for young girls worldwide. The Women’s Liberation Movement continues to wield influence as more and more females attend college, attain professional status, and/or pursue careers and economic independence. Every movement has its price, but fetishism notwithstanding, perhaps the dominatrix is more of a symbol of heroism than most care to think.

Even when science points to clear outcomes, we often have a hard time embracing recommendations when they run counter to our expectations. Parenting small children is one of the most intense periods of many people's lives, and there is no shortage of experts who have ideas about what is best for other people's children. Some of this advice is rooted in science, but much of it -- especially when it comes to sleep -- is based solely on ideas that sound scientific, but really aren't. That all being said, here are three tips for parenting when it comes to sleep that are well founded and might lead to better moods all around.

1) Expose kids to daylight to change their sleep schedules. This is especially important straight out of the womb, when infants' sleep schedules are usually the opposite of their parents. When children wake up, make sure they get outside for a few minutes so they're exposed to daylight rather than the dimmer indoor lighting in the house. It can take a while for a child's circadian clock to change -- the generally accepted rule is that a circadian clock can change about an hour each day -- so you need to be patient and deliberate. It also helps to time meals according to the schedule you want your kid to adjust to, since meals also shape the circadian clock. And this all holds true for kids throughout their aging: if kids need to adopt a particular schedule, daylight and timed meals can make a big difference. If the sun is unavailable due to very early school schedules (see #3 below), you can invest in a light therapy box that will provide sufficient light to adjust a circadian rhythm.

2) Don't do anything to increase sleep-related anxiety. Children are susceptible to the same fears that adults are, and if someone repeatedly has difficulty falling asleep, sleep-onset insomnia is a likely outcome. This means that a kid can develop difficulties falling asleep because they associate sleeping with bad feelings. Many schools of thought for parents still stress scheduling sleep and forcing children to sleep by themselves (the ‘cry it out’ method). But if these conditions lead to an infant or toddler having a hard time sleeping, it can also lead to a child having real difficulties associated with sleep -- like insomnia, but also nightmares and bed wetting. Co-sleeping -- putting a crib or bed into the parents' bedroom -- is one solution, since children often feel much more comfortable sleeping around other people; bedsharing is another possibility, if you're willing to share a bed with an infant. A couple years of bedsharing with a small child may ultimately lead to less co-sleeping or bedsharing with an older child, so it may be a wise investment.

3) Let kids sleep as much as they need -- unless they need to wake up for something specific, like school. It is well proven at this point that sleep needs go up during adolescence, leading to a shortage of sleep for many children during the school year. Teens have a hard time going to bed before 11 PM or so due to changes in circadian timing, and then have to wake up early for school. With an average 9-10 hour nightly sleep need, this often means that students are constantly shorted sleep, leading to learning impairments and behavioral difficulties. On the weekends and during vacation, the best thing parents can do is let kids sleep as much as they need to. Don't force them to go to bed at set times and let them wake up when they're ready. On weekends during the school year, they'll often be catching up on lost sleep from the week before, and during vacation it's letting them sleep as they need to. Maybe turn it into a science project, and ask them to keep a sleep journal -- that way you and they will know exactly what their sleep needs are and how they might be better accommodated during the school year.

It's also important to remember that humans haven't evolved to be consolidated sleepers, and that up until recently (like the 1840s), and still in many parts of the world, people sleep in unconsolidated ways. Even though an average of 7-9 hours of sleep in every 24-hour period is common, how this is arranged can vary quite a bit, including nighttime periods of wakefulness and extensive naps during the day. If kids aren't sleeping through the night, or if they're napping throughout childhood, that's not a health problem. In fact, it's just the opposite: kids should be getting as much sleep as they can and feel that they need to; if a kid is sleepy, just let him or her sleep. But also keep in mind that sleep needs vary throughout the lifecourse, so what works during one phase of life might not during another, so it's important to stay vigilant about sleep and what works for your kids and your whole family.

It can be a real challenge to overcome one's ideas about what's best for children, especially when parent's schedules and sleep needs conflict with what's best for young sleepers. But like so much of parenting, an investment in the short term can pay off in the long term -- for parents and children.

Recently on PsychologyToday.com I interviewed Dr. Thomas Insel, Director of the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).on how to treat depression.

That interview as been gnawing at me ever since. You see, the advice he gave is pretty much what has been recommended for a decade or more, that most people with mild to moderate depression are best treated with an SSRI (like Prozac and Zoloft) and/or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT.)

In my admittedly anecdotal experience, having been career and personal coach to many people with depression, their most common experience is that those drugs yield some benefit, typically taking the edge off their depression but often, the effect wears off. And the side effects are often problematic, for example, sexual dysfunction, flattened affect, nausea, and/or drowsiness. People often go off the medication feeling that the benefits don't outweigh the side effects.

And my clients’ typical experience with cognitive-behavioral therapy is that it helps but, pardon the pun, it’s no magic pill.

Without turning to the treatments usually reserved for severe depression such as electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) or vagus nerve stimulation, what else seems worthy of trial?

Apps

When I asked Insel about promising approaches on the horizon, he said there’s preliminary evidence that smartphone apps may be quite helpful. 

Here are apps that have mainly five-star reviews. The first two are for Android:

MoodTools includes a depression severity test that records results so you can track your progress. It also has a Thought Diary that helps you identify behaviors that make you depressed, the distorted thinking that causes it, and a behavior tracking tool (“Remotivate.”) It also has instructional and relaxation videos.

Depression CBT Self-Help Guide is similar except that it offers 50 suggestions for managing depression that links to a motivational point system that some users really like. Minor minuses compared with MoodTools: Rather than videos, it has audios, and its interface isn’t as attractive.

They’re similar enough that, especially since both are free, you might want to download both to see which you like better

If you have a iPhone, consider MoodKit ($4.99.) While not explicitly for depression, its website describes it as helping “you engage in mood-enhancing activities, identify and change unhealthy thinking, rate and chart mood across time, and create journal entries using custom templates designed to promote well-being “

Exercise

Most of my clients with mild or moderate depression say that exercise helps. And of course, not only is exercise free of negative side effects, it’s good for your physical health.

Staying busy

Many of my depressed clients seem to have been helped perhaps most of all by forcing themselves to stay busy, especially on tasks in which they are helping other people---That seems to distract themselves from their own issues.

A new philosophy

I’m least clear on how beneficial this is but my sense is that it helps to develop a philosophy of life in which you decide to fight life’s slings and arrows. When something bad happens to a depressed person or even if s/he sees something dispiriting in the media (ISIS, Ebola, etc.) they often sink into numbness. Perhaps a decision to fight can help—make you feel more potent and less like a helpless victim. Even with something as bad as a heart attack, I’d guess that someone who says, “I’m going to do everything I damn well can to get healthy again” will both do better psychologically than someone who allows themselves to be filled with fear and self-pity.  Of course, if you’re depressed, it’s hard to motivate yourself to get out of bed let alone to fight the good fight.

But perhaps some combination of the standard SSRI/CBT advice along with one or more of these approaches may be helpful to you.

Marty Nemko's bio is in Wikipedia.

What is art and how is it therapeutic? I had the privilege of meeting up with one of my mentors in the therapy field the other week and she has quite an interesting approach to therapy.

When appropriate she encourages her clients to express themselves through photography. As they say, “A picture is worth a thousand words” so she asks them to take pictures of themselves, nature, or whatever is around them that best captures their emotional state. 

As a former journalist, I have found tremendous healing, insight, and growth when I journal, write, blog, or express myself through words. I also try to stretch my clients with their creativity in this manner.

Within the past few years, I’ve had the privilege of working with a college student who shared her poetry in our sessions. Her poems were dynamic, vivid, and captured the emotional tempest that surrounded her.

Buoyed by creativity, I started dabbling in this forum just to see what would happen. I was quite surprised with the results. I was astonished to see how my writing and point came across in a powerful way that my blogs could not convey.

All this is to say, I am thrilled to be a proponent of creativity and the arts as a therapeutic tool. Be it writing, poetry, dance, photography, painting, or any other artistic form of expression, let’s be open to what we can learn from our clients.

True to this inspiration, I’ve published a collection of poems that I’ve cultivated over the past two years which touch on themes of Asian-American experiences, Christianity, cultural shame, and addictions. 

For more information you can go to this site:

http://www.blurb.com/b/5662886-spoken-word-poetry

   I’m trying to come up with a better word than agoraphobia to accurately describe most people diagnosed with panic disorder and, well, agoraphobia. Literally, the word combo is Greek for fear of the “open place,” which makes the word not only long, but wrong.  As any agoraphobe knows, an open place or market space is only one of many conditions or circumstances that can trigger a panic attack in someone whose alarm system is temporarily haywire.

   My goal is to make it easier for agoraphobic folks to talk about their condition. As you can well imagine, most agoraphobes are embarrassed to admit being terrified spitless of only one thing: of having another panic attack. That’s it. You have become terrified of those hot blasts of norapinephrine (adrenaline) designed to turn you into a primitive beast so suddenly strong and single minded that you can defeat and even kill another primitive beast or run fast enough to escape fleet predators.

   People with panic disorder are afraid of the terrifying experience, but almost even worse is the thought of having to reveal the truth about themselves to significant others. The feeling of shame and low self esteem I experienced over being crippled by such a ridiculous condition was almost as bad as the panic attacks. I was mortified by the thought I might have to explain to someone what I had. What was I afraid of? It’s difficult to tell someone you’re afraid of being afraid. We should call it “phobiaphobia.”

   Close to 1 percent of the population worldwide * is afflicted with what we currently call agoraphobia.  People at all socio/economic levels can end up virtually cornered by terrifyingly severe panic attacks, but not know how to explain themselves to others.

   One way to help this happen is for agoraphobes of the world to learn how to sound smart about their own illness. If you read enough you can help the “normies” comprehend that what you suffer from is a condition wherein your fight or flight response system was inadvertently wired to be triggered too easily. If you study and take notes about the roles of the amygdala and hippocampus and neural receptors and more, you can stop feeling so lame about discussing it with others.

   One important point to make is that agoraphobia is completely curable through specific thought processes and activities. Creating new neural pathways will literally change your mind so your alarm system is no longer tricked into false alarms.  Another important point to make is that agoraphobia is just a word we use to describe someone who avoids certain places or circumstances because of the fear of panic attacks and that there are varying degrees of agoraphobia.  You can explain the phenomena by using the 3 levels: Level 1, housebound or mostly so; Level 2, limited travel (work and school) Level 3, mobile with a wall.

   I tell people I spent time in all 3 levels at various times of my 30 year imprisonment. Stressors of one kind or another always played a role in my level of anxiety. The next time someone asks you about your “condition,” try something like this: “If you’ve got a few minutes, I’d love to tell you about panic disorder because it’s actually a fascinating study of the most primitive part of the brain….” And on and on you’ll go with your newly organized scientific information about brain science. Let me know how it goes.

See you at unagoraphobic.com

*National Institute of Mental Health website

Stemming the Rising Tide of Heroin Abuse

Why has heroin abuse skyrocketed, who is using it, and what can be done about the problem? Prescription opioids abuse data suggests the reason for a resurgence of heroin use in America.  According to the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA):

“Today's typical heroin addict starts using at 23, is more likely to live in the affluent suburbs. They are often unwittingly led to heroin through painkillers prescribed by his or her doctor.”

Accidental prescription drug overdose is now the leading cause of acute preventable death for Americans, even more so than deaths from car accidents. Many addiction professionals have suggested for years that individuals who become addicted to prescription painkillers commonly move on to illicit heroin use. This is due to the expense and difficulty of continuously obtaining prescription medications. When individuals can no longer obtain their prescription opioids, they often switch to heroin. A large percentage of those users are appalled to find that the heroin they use is not as strong as their prescription drugs. This too can lead to overdoses. All around, the situation is tragic.

In August 2010, an abuse deterrent version of OxyContin became available. Within two years, the choice of OxyContin as a drug of abuse went from 35.6% to 12.8%. That was the good news; the bad news is that the same study showed heroin use nearly doubled in the same period. Addicts started turning to heroin as the easily-abusable form of OxyContin became unavailable.

The abuse of opioid pills and heroin are both taking a tremendous toll on our communities. A representative with the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) recently claimed that nearly half of young people who inject heroin say they abused prescription opioids before turning to the illegal drug. Heroin, a street drug, is unregulated, usually impure and often injected. As a result, IV heroin users suffer from collapsed veins, abscesses, infections of the heart lining and valves, and rheumatologic diseases. From sharing needles, IV heroin users are more likely to suffer from HIV, Hepatitis and other diseases.

Regardless of whether opioid drugs are prescribed pills or heroin, the amount of drugs available is shocking. Tom Frieden, the director of the CDC remarked recently about prescription pain medication:

“We found that health care providers in 2012 wrote 259 million prescriptions for opioids. That is enough for every American adult to have their own bottle of pills.” 

Policies to restrict opioid medications, alter them and better monitor accessibility, are increasingly being implemented. While the crackdown on and regulation of these drugs is a good thing, abusers have become more creative, turning to heroin to feed their addiction when prescription pills are unavailable. We need to treat the core cause of drug addiction and make treatment services widely available, not stigmatize those who are suffering.

http://jama.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=1886185

http://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2014/t0701-opioid-painkiller.html

http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMc1204141

That's right: To really be happy in your relationship, you need to turn to yourself—not your partner. I know this is hard because we all have been conditioned to think that another person is supposed to make us happy. So many of us have been duped into thinking that if he just changed this one thing, or if she could just get a grip about (fill in the blank), then we would finally be happy.

Now before you get upset reading this post let me say this: You did not get into your relationship to be treated poorly, ignored, or abandoned. Being abused or denigrated, subjected to reckless spending, deprived of a sex life, or forced to put up with problematic, immature behavior is not what I'm asking of you. If this is occurring in your relationship, your partner needs to make major changes. Individual and couple's counseling may be needed. And if your partner will not cooperate with counseling, you need to face the fact that he or she will probably never change, and then to decide to try living with him or her the best you can, or move on to a new and hopefully more satisfying relationship. I am all for trying to save relationships, but in the face of repeated hurts and insensitivity, it may be best to move on.

But assuming nothing so egregious is going on, here's what you can learn from those happy, satisfied couples—the ones who beat the odds and don't split up or simply stick it out for the sake of the kids—because they do tend to have a strong commitment to each other and communicate effectively. They are able to fight fairly and resolve conflicts. And they know how to be romantic.

Here's their secret, above and beyond anything else: They have a better, more realistic, and healthy way of thinking about each other.

As I describe in my book, Why Can't You Read My MInd?, it is this way of thinking that enables couples to improve communication, solve problems, and enhance romance. This true foundation for a happy relationship, this elusive secret to your success, can only be found in one place—your own mind.

The couples I've worked with over the past 22 years who have made it together are those who have been able to recognize and address the pervasive yet little-known relationship problem I call toxic thinking. Toxic thoughts—"You are totally selfish!""Everything always has to be about you!"—erode our empathy and destroy our love. Couples who can avoid or overcome toxic thoughts are more satisfied. They remain, against the odds, a unified force. They are the ones who make me think, with great conviction, "If anyone has a chance at lasting happiness, they do."

I will be continuing to write more about healthy vs. toxic thinking toward our partners in upcoming blog.  In the meantime, you may want to check out my recent posts on "What Headgames Look Like in Lasting Relationships." and Do Any of These 9 Toxic Thoughts Threaten Your Relationship?

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist with over 23 years of experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy. He holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the State University of New York at Albany and completed his post doctoral internship at the University of Pennsylvania Counseling Center. He has appeared on the The Today Show, Court TV as an expert advisor, CBS Eyewitness News Philadelphia, 10! Philadelphia—NBC, and public radio. Dr. Bernstein has authored four books, including the highly popular 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Perseus Books, 2006), 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child (Perseus Books 2007), and Why Can't You Read My MInd?

Teaching manners used to be a fairly straightforward, top-down parenting activity at the table. Parents told their kids not to talk with their mouths full, to keep elbows off the table, and to stay seated until everyone had finished eating. Parents knew the rules and imparted them. But today’s parents have a whole new set of table manners to grapple with—those associated with technology. And, according to our survey data, this is a dicey area, where what’s good for the gosling turns out not to be so good for the goose.

Many parents have two sets of standards for technology rules at the table. According to our Digital Family survey responses of over 300 parents, only 18% of them allow their children to use technology at the dinner table, while almost twice that number of parents believe that is OK for them to use their phones and screens at the table.

But, rather than get into a lather about whether technology at the table is an unavoidable fact of life or the ruin of family life, let’s just take one step back. After all the table manners that really matter are the ones that help us connect with one another at the table. That’s why reprimanding kids to keep their elbows off the table seems much less important than insisting on no interrupting when someone is speaking. If we look at the use of technology through this lens perhaps we can offer a more nuanced perspective:

 When technology at the table competes with conversation or makes us feel that we don’t have the full attention when we speak, technology has no place at the table. But, what about the times that technology enhances connection? ‘Hey, look at this photo from class today?’ Or, ‘I want to read you a funny text I got from your aunt’. In other words, if technology can be shared at the table, perhaps it has a place. Maybe just a small place.

 Do as I say, and do as I do. In other words try to model the same technology manners that you expect your children to follow. If for example, you adhere to a ‘no technology’ policy, then agree to keep digital devices on silent mode and out of the kitchen during mealtime. It’s going to be hard for a teen to resist checking if a beep or a ding indicates that a message has just come in. But if you all agree on the policy, you should all stick to it.

 As a family, decide on the rules for technology use at the table. Perhaps, everyone can check their smart phones at the door or put them in cabinet or in a basket. Or instead, your family may decide to reserve the right to use search functions to settle disputes that arise at the table.

As in many areas of modern life, our use of technology far outstrips our scientific understanding of it. There may be some good reasons to use tech at the table. Some might argue that playing a video game at the table could encourage conversations or that being able to share an interesting email could quickly bring your family up to speed on a conflict you’re having with a colleague. Maybe, when adolescents are allowed to use technology at the table, they are more likely to share doubts they have about what they are sharing on Facebook. What about the benefits of Skyping during a meal with grandparents who live across the country?

However, we can’t ignore the possible downsides either. While there isn’t too much research to draw on about long-term effects of texting at the dinner table, there are several studies about another screen at the table—TV. TV-watching during dinner, which occurs at about half of American dinner tables, is associated with greater caloric intake and lower consumption of eating fruits and vegetables. We tend to eat more while watching TV because we pay less attention to satiety cues.

It takes a lot of money to send an employee abroad: travel, accommodation, family resettlement costs. Yet for an embarrassingly large number of people it “does not work out”. They don’t function very well. A great adventure and a golden opportunity turns into a nightmare. Divorce, drink problems, depression.....pretty grim legacy from what was meant to be a wonderful move.

Many organisations are happy to employee “the natives” at a junior level, but want tried and tested people from head office to go and “run the show”. They know how the business works and understand the culture. Their job is a sort of cultural franchising, or corporate colonialism. We need “our man” in charge who is happy to show the locals how it should be done.

The question then is whom to choose to go abroad. Is it to be seen as a punishment or a reward? Much depends on where you are sent, for how long and to do what. There are many dilemmas to be resolved. Should you send relatively young people who are fit and adaptable and can probably pick up the “local lingo”? What if they have a young family? And what if the spouse is not so keen? So why not send a silver-back alpha male on a “last tour” to improve the natives. But that could prove very costly....and perhaps there will be few volunteers.

My co-author Stephen Bochner attempted to classify individuals in terms of their psychological responses to the host country. He posits that there are 4 main ways in which people behave when in a new culture:

1) ‘Passing’ - rejecting the culture of origin and embracing the new culture. The original culture’s norms lose their salience and the new culture’s norms gain salience. This type of mind set may be prevalent for migrants looking for employment that have come from war-torn countries and seek a new life.

2) ‘Chauvinism’ - rejection of the current culture and exaggerating the original. The original culture’s norms increase in salience and the new culture’s norms decrease in salience. This can cause and increased feeling of nationalism for the individual and can lead to racism, and as a society cause inter-group friction. This type of mind set is increasingly rare, with people becoming more accepting of other cultures and religions.

3) ‘Marginal’ - hovering between the two cultures, the individual is not certain of who he/she is. Norms of both cultures are salient but are perceived as mutually incompatible. This leads to mental confusion for the individual, over compensation and conflict and for the society causes reform and social change. Again this type of mind set is increasingly rare, with integration into a foreign society being greatly eased.

4) ‘Mediating’ - synthesizing both cultures. This mind set is most ideal as it can mediate between both cultures. Norms of both cultures are salient and are perceived as capable of being integrated. This leads to the individual growing personally and society exhibiting higher levels of inter-group harmony and cultural preservation.

Over the last four decades the world has seen a substantial increase in multinational firms that have operations all over the world, and is therefore increasingly common for people from all backgrounds to work abroad. It is therefore crucial for organizational psychologist to study ‘culture shock’, to gain a greater understanding of the underlying mechanisms, so effective techniques can be implemented to reduce this negative experience as much as possible.

The problem of working abroad is the issue of adaptation....to the working conditions, the language, the food, the climate and the local customs. The issue is usually called culture shock. You can experience it even while on holiday

Culture shock’ was a term coined by the American Anthropologist Oberg (1960), he defined it as ‘a term used for early and profound negative experiences in a new culture’. The phrase implies that the experience of living (and working) in a new culture is an unpleasant shock, because it is highly unfamiliar and may lead to a negative evaluation of one’s own and/or the other culture.

Oberg suggested that culture shock is brought about sharply by the anxiety that results from losing all our familiar cultural signs and symbols (e.g. words, gestures, facial expressions, customs and norms that are acquired in the course of growing up), and this can cause the transition into a new culture to be a disturbing and unpleasant experience. However some people will not experience the negative effects of culture shock (e.g. sensation seekers who will enjoy the highly arousing stimuli of the unfamiliar).

Culture shock has recognisable symptoms:

1. Strain due to the effort required to make the necessary psychological adaptations. Of having to listen more carefully, watch more intently, react more slowly. It is about being more self-aware and having to learn a whole new behavioural repertoire.

2. A sense of loss and feelings of deprivation in regard to friends, status, profession and possessions. Sometimes one’s status goes up but the loss of the familiar, the friendly ear,

the people to shoot the breeze with can count for a lot when one is tired and fed-up.

3. Being rejected by and/or rejecting members of the new culture. It is unpleasant being an easily identified outsider, a target, a source of envy. Attributes are projected: wealth, (im)morality, values. Worse still if you really despise and dislike the natives.

4 .Confusion in role, role expectations, values, feelings and self-identity. Indeed “what know you of England who only England know”. It can feel like being an adolescent again: exploring who you really are, and what you (let alone your company or your culture) stand for. What does it mean to be a man, a boss, a father etc? Too much existential angst for an adult.

5. Surprise, anxiety, even disgust and indignation after becoming aware of cultural differences. To be confronted by people with different attitudes to everything from food to hygiene, truthfulness to stealing can be profoundly disturbing.

6. Feelings of impotence due to not being able to cope with the new environment. One may be deprived of a sense of humour as a result of the language difficulties. Dealing with all authorities especially professionals, and even “servants” becomes challenging.

It is all rather bad news. It means an emotional roller-coaster, feelings of total despair and powerlessness and often illness.

Culture shock doesn’t hit for a bit. There are well known phases in the process. First the honeymoon stage where everything seems wonderful. The people, the plants, the food seem exotic and enchanting. There is much to be admired in the locals who are so friendly and approachable. Then comes the crisis phase: suddenly things are not as clear as you thought, people are not honest with you, nothing works properly. You can’t ever get cool and there is no news of home.

But, with luck, this can lead to recovery and adaptation. You pick up enough of the language, the etiquette, the world view. You becomes sort of “bi-cultural”.

What does this all mean? It certainly helps predict when people are likely to require help and support. Not for a bit but three to six months down the line. And it partly shows how they might react. They often react most to different concepts of time, and straightforwardness. They talk of perfidious, two-faced, hypocritical, corrupt staff ...often meaning they have not really decoded the signals properly.

The question is who thrives best, where and under what conditions. Certainly some countries are easier than others. Multinationals, the Foreign Office and others often rank order countries on various dimensions such as corruption, infrastructure and climate. Some offer a “hardship” package if one has to live in a compound (ghetto) where at least some facilities are provide.

What about the individual? It helps if they speak the language or pick up languages well. It helps if they are clever, sociable and resilient. But most of all it helps if they have good social support. And this means a happy family. That is why selectors now interview the entire family when sending a senior person abroad.

If you currently hold a job, but are interviewing, you’re likely familiar with one of the most common but challenging questions: “Why are you leaving your current job?” A knee-jerk answer can hurt your chances at getting a good job offer. A thoughtful answer can ultimately contribute to future career success. This is the third and last story in a series on how to handle sensitive questions in the job interview.

This particular question is one that serves multiple purposes for your hiring manager, including whether you’re having personality conflicts with your boss or co-workers. Employers assume that whatever character traits you possess at your current job could continue into the new, prospective one. They expect you to put a positive spin on this question versus disparaging your current employer. You don't want to help make the process of elimination easy. Your thoughtful response is critical.

Here's are some of the things hiring managers are really asking when they inquire why you’re leaving your current job. Are you:

• Difficult to work with?

• Professional?

• Able to handle tough situations (like this question!) with poise?

• Going to have similar issues in the same job?

• Eager to work with them?

Anything too far beyond, “I’m looking for a better challenge,” has the risk of you appearing negative. Chances are you DO seek a more rewarding opportunity. You’re better off saying positive things about your employer than disparaging them. By saying, in effect, “I’m grateful for having learned a lot, but want to be able to advance in my field,” you remain professional. You’re explaining that, at this point, it’s a mismatch – versus opening up a proverbial can of worms.

Try these tips

Try these tips to keep you out of the interview minefield:

• Don’t spin the whine-o-meter and vent about your current job, your boss or the organization. If your comments are negative, then it raises questions about your own judgment: why have you stayed at the company so long, and are you vindictive about potentially being terminated?

• Do put a positive spin on the reason you’re leaving. The more you take the high road, and that includes listing positive aspects of your current employer, the more professional you’ll appear. Your interviewer doesn’t want to feel that you badmouth companies – as they put themselves in the shoes of an employer, too.

• Don’t dwell on the answer. Your focus on the topic will last as long as you let it.

• Do segue into discussing why you feel you’ll thrive at the new company: “Based on what I know about this position, I think it would be a great match because of xyz.”

• Don’t be coy and say that you can’t explain the issue. That’s a cop-out and can be considered disrespectful. Better to focus on what you ARE looking for.

• Do tone it down. Take on a straightforward, professional tone that communicates your desire to make a difference, leverage your skills and work with a strong team.

• Don’t give the impression that you’re bordering on desperate to get away from your current employer — no matter how “motivated” you are. Every prospective employer wants to feel that you’re in demand in the marketplace. That said, enthusiasm is a core, valued trait in any job candidate, and you must show you genuine interest in the position and explain why.

• Do give a thoughtful, concise answer when asked why you’re leaving your job. Then transition to how you’re looking forward to the opportunity of working with them.

“Why are you leaving your current job?” is a complex interview question worth preparing for. If you think strategically about your response, you can turn a perceived minefield into a potential gold mine.

Pause for a second, and turn your look away from this screen. What is the reality that you see around you? What are the objects, their colors, and their shapes? Are they in motion or are they still? This reality that you see is the world as it is right here and now. It may seem that you are outside of it, and simply observing it. Yet this reality is not outside of you. It only exists in your mind, and you view it through your own unique lens, filtered by your senses, your memories, your mood, and by your thoughts. A different person would look through his or her own perspective, and may describe a vastly different reality, as if the two of you are not at all in the same place and time.

This simple realization that reality is subjective goes a long way. Firstly, in our relationships and interactions with others, it helps us realize that our view of things is never an undisputed truth. Other people’s truths come from the reality that they perceive in their own minds, and their truth is as valid to them as our truth is for us. Secondly, it makes us realize that obstacles and barriers we face may not exist in the real, external world, and may only be a result of our perspectives. Instead of exerting efforts to overcome these obstacles, it may suffice to adopt an alternative perspective where these obstacles simple do not exist. And thirdly, it makes us realize that much of our suffering is a matter of choice. There always exists a different perspective on things that is free from the pain that we feel.

Four years ago, while riding my motorcycle from New York to California on a quest to finding inner peace, I met with different authors and scientists, and had asked them about the notion of reality. In Austin, I met with Dr. James Pennebaker, the head of UTexas’ Psychology Department, and today the president of The Society for Personality and Social Psychology. Pennebaker pioneered the use of writing as a means of psychological intervention. He found that writing is curative when it produces a change in perspective. Our ability to construct a story is often what makes us suffer, and writing a new story could therefore heal:

“When you write, it’s not as though you’re throwing out the emotions. You are now thinking about the events; you are tying them together. The mere fact that you put it into words seems to make a big difference. It allows you to move past it, to move through it…Writing brings some kind of meaning and closure to events. We know that people whose health improves most are also able to change perspectives in their life. They can talk about their feelings and thoughts but also those of other people around them… We also know that in writing, it’s really important that people are able to construct a story. If someone comes in and they write about a trauma, and they immediately have a good story: “this happened, and the reason was so and so” — they don’t benefit from writing at all. People benefit more when they construct a new story. They start putting things together. The alternative argument is that one reason people are screwed up is because of language as well. I mean, if you look at most animals, they don’t need psychotherapy, but they don’t have language either to get them messed up.”

Toward the end of my motorcycle ride I arrived in Southern California, I met with Deepak Chopra, who shared with me a personal story about perspectives. A few weeks before he and I had met, Chopra spent three weeks in Thailand to be ordained as a Buddhist Monk. His daily experiences in the monastery were sometimes difficult and painful – until he chose to change his perspective:

“When I was in Thailand, we used to go barefoot with the begging bowl. So there were no shoes and you had to step over pebbles and rocks and streets and shrubs, and I was not used to it, and it was tough for me. When I came back, the first day, the abbot asked me if it was difficult for me. And I said — yes, it was very painful. He said, “You know, it's painful when you put the foot down but the other foot you lift, that has the absence of pain, which is very pleasurable. Just put your attention on that foot. And the next day, I did that and the pain was gone.

So — it's where you put your attention. It's all interpretation.

If you go out of your comfort zone with the whole mindset of embracing uncertainty and stepping into the unknown, then you've already shifted before you arrive.”

What reality in your life brings you suffering or limits you from reaching your goals and your dreams? What are the alternative realities you can live, where you are pain-free, fulfilled, and happy? Today, imagine for a second that you are a different person, and sit down and write your own script for life, from a new perspective. Life is not a movie you watch. It is a movie you make.