There you are, tapping away on your keyboard or walking down the street, when you suddenly feel a powerful urge to eat something fatty and sweet (or salty, or meaty or doughy). If you’re trying to exercise self-control in order to lose weight or maintain healthy habits, you try to suppress the urge. But you know it’s only a matter of time before you duck off into a coffee shop or deli or hallway that leads to a snack machine. Sometimes it’s just too hard to say “no.”

When you get a food craving, it’s usually not for a kale salad drizzled with fresh citrus dressing. No, most of the time, we crave fat-sugar combos like chocolate blackout cake or a milkshake, or fat-protein foods like burgers, hot dogs and fried chicken. When surveyed about foods that satisfy cravings, many people also put salty foods, bread products and sweets at the top of the list. “Forbidden” foods—those you tell yourself you can’t have for one reason or another—are probably those you crave most.

Many different theories exist about food cravings. Some say they are related to primal impulses to fill up on food whenever we can. (For our ancestors, that would be in anticipation of famine or not knowing where your next slab of meat or handful of berries is coming from.) Others say we crave food because it is all around us and some of it just tastes too good to resist. In the past, many people believed that cravings were our bodies way of telling us we are deficient in certain nutrients. But nobody really buys a theory that says we need to get nutrients from potato chips, pastries or jelly beans. Nutrition experts agree that cravings rarely have anything to do with a shortage of nutrients. It has been established that a longing for salty snacks does not mean you need sodium and craving crème brulee in no indication you’re low on sugar and fat. 

Brain chemistry is thought to play a huge role in what you crave and why you keep on craving it. Although the neurochemistry behind food cravings isn’t fully understood, food and brain chemistry researchers know, for instance, that a brain chemical called galanin triggers cravings for fatty foods like pizza and ice cream. The more of these types of food you eat, the more galanin you produce, and the more cravings you get.

Eating sweet or starchy carbs raises brain levels of the neurochemical serotonin, which helps stabilize mood. That’s why a protein-based meal won’t quite satisfy someone who is craving carbs; she might feel full after eating but her mood isn’t as likely to improve. Surveys have found that chocolate is the most craved food among American women and increased serotonin levels could explain why. Premenstrual cravings are common, and it is known that serotonin levels drop at this stage of the cycle. 

Indulging cravings for sweet or fatty foods also triggers the release of endorphins, brain chemicals that can help you feel calm. Endorphins are also responsible for the “high” you feel after a strenuous workout or when you fall in love. That could help explain why you rarely crave a simple salad. It may be better for you but it doesn’t stimulate any “feel good” brain chemicals!

Whenever you have any type of food craving, if you can satisfy your urge with just a small indulgence, and only from time to time, you should just go ahead and do it, since you’re less likely to find yourself eating an entire pint of ice cream or a second slab of cake. In fact, many people keep their cravings under control by doing just that—eating their “forbidden” foods from time to time, just to make sure they don’t develop uncontrollable cravings to begin with.

But if you’re someone who can’t “just eat one,” and you struggle with weight issues, you may have to find other ways to control your cravings. The best thing you can do in the moment is distract yourself for 15 or 20 minutes. That’s how long it usually takes for a craving to subside. Get up and take a walk outside or call someone. Whatever you do, get out of the kitchen and stay away from food stores! 

If you are an emotional eater, your cravings may stem from psychological needs. In that case, confronting the underlying issues is the first best step to controlling food cravings. On the other hand, if your cravings are due to real hunger, you can probably control them by making sure you plan and eat three balanced meals every day, supplemented with planned snacks (rather than waiting until you are hungry and eating anything and everything in front of you). Try not to go any longer than three or four hours without eating. This pattern not only helps control food cravings, it helps avoid abrupt brain chemical changes and keeps your blood sugar steady throughout the day.

Anger is a very difficult emotion. Women, in particular,  may learn to fear our own anger, not only because it brings about the disapproval of others, but also because it signals the necessity for change.

We may then begin to ask ourselves questions that serve to block or invalidate our own experience of anger: “Is my anger legitimate?” “Do I have a right to be angry?” “What’s the use of my getting angry?” “What good will it do?”.

These questions can be excellent ways of silencing ourselves and shutting off our anger.

 Let us question these questions. Anger is neither legitimate nor illegitimate, meaningful nor pointless. Anger simply is.

 To ask, “Is my anger legitimate?” is similar to asking, “Do I have a right to be thirsty? After all, I just had a glass of water fifteen minutes ago. Surely my thirst is not legitimate. And besides, what’s the point of getting thirsty when I can’t get anything to drink now, anyway?”

 Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel—and certainly our anger is no exception.

 But If feeling anger signals a problem, venting anger does not solve it. So there are questions about anger that may be helpful to ask ourselves:

         “What am I really angry about?”

         “What is the problem, and whose problem is it?”

          “How can I sort out who is responsible for what?”

          “How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and        powerless?”

         “When I’m angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?”

         “What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?”

         “If getting angry is not working for me, what can I do differently?”

         These are the questions I address in The Dance of Anger, not with the goal of getting rid of our anger or doubting its validity, but of gaining greater clarity about its sources and then learning to take a new and different action on our own behalf.

          While feeling  angry signals a problem,venting anger does not  solve it. In fact, non-productive fighting and blaming will protect rather than protest the status quo of a stuck relationship.Women who fight ineffectively suffer as deeply as those of us who can't  get angry at all.

          If what we're doing with our anger isn't working, it won't help to do more of the same. But if you learn to do new steps in an old dance, that old dance will not continue as usual.

A client of mine, Jen, recently took a flight from Florida to New York on Southwest Airlines for the first time. Those of you who have flown with Southwest know there is no assigned seating, but the airline does provide the option of paying an extra fee to get on the plane before other passengers to choose your own seat. Jen chose not to take advantage of this policy, and when she boarded for her seat her choices were limited, not only because other passengers had paid the early boarding fee, but because they were saving seats for others who had not yet boarded. Apparently, one person in a group of those traveling had paid the fee and saved seats for others who had not paid. Jen was pretty annoyed by this and when she came back from her trip, she asked me what I thought about it–“From a more spiritual perspective,” she said.

Not wanting to pass a snap judgment, I paused. Her Southwest Airlines experience reminded me of a story my friend Elizabeth shared with me one time and I told Jen the story. Elizabeth was having lunch in New York City with her good friend Sharon, a well-known Buddhist teacher. They were in a cafeteria-style restaurant where you wait in line to get your food and then hope to find a seat somewhere in the restaurant. When my friend Elizabeth got in line with Sharon, she saw how crowded the restaurant was. So she told Sharon what she wanted to eat and suggested she find them seats while Sharon waited in line and ordered. Sharon replied, “If you sit down now before we get our food, where will everyone in front of us in the line sit?” Elizabeth became very quiet and realized for the first time how uncaring for others it was to sit before the people in front of her in line had a chance to find a seat. She realized that she was focusing on her own needs and not the needs of others. She thought about how society needs individuals to put others first in order to flourish.

Elizabeth is one of the nicest people that I know and she was not deliberately trying to prevent others from sitting down and enjoying a meal. She was just thinking about her lunch date with Sharon and forgot to connect with the needs of other people in the restaurant as well. Although at first glance the actions of some of the Southwest passengers are a little more aggressive than Elizabeth’s impulse, the stories are actually quite similar. Like Elizabeth, the people who were breaking the seating rules of Southwest Airlines probably didn’t think they were rude or bad people. They were simply putting their needs and desires first, believing they could save money and still sit with their friends, not thinking about how it could affect anyone else. In short, they weren’t acting in a way that fostered a more successful, loving and kind society.

So what would Buddha do on Southwest Airlines? He probably wouldn’t ask a friend to pay a fee so he could get a better seat for free. I suspect he would wait his turn, be kind to the people in line in front of and behind him, and be grateful he had a plane ride home to see his family. I doubt he would worry much about the location of his seat. He would probably even bless the passengers who saved the seats for their friends. Maybe he would meditate on the idea that one day all passengers could realize there were enough seats for everyone and learn to share or take their rightful turns. The Buddha would know that if everyone chose love over the fear of not having something, they would truly feel the joy of being alive. He would understand that this joy was better than the joy of getting a better seat than a fellow human being.

How do these examples apply to all of us? Most of us take our turn when we merge in traffic, hold the elevator door for our neighbors and wait patiently in a line at the bank or post office. We may be thinking we’d never act like some of the Southwest passengers who tried to bend the rules for their own gain. But my friend Elizabeth once thought the same thing of herself. Sometimes the way we tend to put ourselves first is invisible to us. But maybe we can make the invisible visible to ourselves, and in so doing contribute to a more caring and compassionate society.

Maybe we can stretch ourselves to look at areas in our lives where we move so quickly and are only thinking about what we need to do and where we need to go.  Maybe we can find an opportunity to be more kind and considerate to the ones around us. On reflection, I realize that, while I would never literally take someone else’s seat on a plane or in a restaurant, I do tend to grab a seat with a friend before I order us coffee at my favorite café. Also, I sometimes talk on my cell phone when I am walking outside and am less considerate than I want to be to the ones around me. I see, too, that when I am busy, I am less likely to stop and ask my neighbors how they are doing. These are simply some examples from my own life, but I am sure we can all identify areas in our lives where we can slow down and be kinder to those around us. Maybe it’s just a matter of being more aware that we are all in this “line” or “plane” as the case may be…together.

Altruism, and in particular what we might term “extraordinary altruism,” has longed puzzled many fields of science, including biology, psychology, and economics. The central question being this: why would a human being behave in an altruistic manner, especially to risk their life and/or endure pain for someone they don’t even know?

There is general agreement amongst scientists that the function of altruism is partly to promote the survival of our genes (by being kind to relatives) and in part to permit the exchange of favors (with the idea that we would get help some other time if we need it). However, more extreme altruism remains somewhat puzzling as it doesn’t satisfy either of those explanations. So Abagail Marsh, Ph.D., and her colleagues at Georgetown University, set out to investigate if the brains of extreme altruists might have observable differences from other brains and, in particular, if these differences might be the opposite of differences seen in the brains of psychopaths.

It turns out they do, indeed. Dr. Marsh and her team used structural and functional MRIs to compare the amygdalas of extraordinary altruists (altruistic kidney donors who volunteered to donate a kidney to an anonymous, non-related, other) to those who are not extraordinary altruists, and also to the brains of psychopaths, who behave in an opposite manner as someone who is altruistic, exhibiting little empathy or desire to do anything that doesn’t benefit themselves. The amygdala is a part of the brain that has been shown to perform a primary role in the processing of memory, decision-making, and emotional reactions.

What Dr. Marsh and her colleagues discovered is that extraordinary altruists have significantly larger right amygdalas, and that it is, indeed, the inverse of the brains of psychopaths, whose right amygdalas, previous studies have shown, are smaller than average.

This study is interesting because it suggests that extraordinary altruism represents one end of a caring continuum we are all on, with psychopathy on the other end. It also supports the possibility of a neural basis for extraordinary altruism, and for altruism in general. In other words, we are all born, to a greater or lesser degree, hardwired to be kind to others. And while encouragement from our upbringing will help to enhance this propensity, some of our “goodness” is what we were born with.

John Jurca is probably older than anyone you know. Next January, he’ll be 100. Born in Akron, Ohio in 1915 to Romanian parents, he started his career as a dishwasher while raising four kids with his beloved wife. After going to night school for 20 years, he finally earned a degree in mechanical engineering and became an electrician. Even though he retired in 1972, he still gets a kick out of solving math problems, inventing his own machines, and doing all his homework. He knows he may enter an afterlife soon, so he recently read the Bible, the Koran, and the Book of Mormon just to cover his bases. We chatted recently about what it’s like to live for a century, his surprising favorite food, and his tips for a long marriage. A condensed and edited version of our conversation follows:

KP: John, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. It’s incredible that you’re still going strong. What’s the best part about living for a whole century? JJ: The best part has been to have a good wife. When you leave the house, you can give her a kiss, and when you come home, you can give her a kiss.

KP: How long were you married?

JJ: 67 years. We married in 1939 and she died in 2005.

KP: That’s quite a long marriage. Any secrets?

JJ: She was the best girl in the world. I couldn’t expect any more than what I had and be grateful for what God gave me. Whenever we walked down the street together, we always held hands. And she usually won every time we had an argument. (laughs)

KP: How come she’d win?

JJ: It’s easier to give in than to make a big deal about nothing. People spend too much time arguing and not enough appreciating each other. But, I argue with my daughter because she is a staunch Republican and I was a born Democrat. (laughs)

KP: You live with your daughter in Texas. How old is she?

JJ: Pretty old, almost 72. She cooks for me, like my wife did. She cooks the best dinners ever.

KP: What’s your favorite food?

JJ: Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

KP: Me too! I still eat them.

JJ: Then you’ll live a long time.

KP: If only it were that simple. So what do you do for fun these days? Any hobbies?

JJ: I work on math problems. Some of them take me days to finish. My mind is not what it used to be, so I want to keep it sharp. Yesterday I told my daughter I had no luck with a calculus problem, but the next day I did in five minutes what I couldn’t do in a whole afternoon.

KP: You still remember calculus?

JJ: I learned it in school many years ago. I bought some books and started reading them, so things are coming back to me.

KP: Were you always an active learner?

JJ: Yes, after I retired, I thought, I better learn a little more, so my wife and I registered in community college taking courses in biomedical machinery. I met a young fellow there from Lebanon and he used to come to our house and we would do homework in our basement where I had my books.

KP: So you must have learned quite a lot.

JJ: I did, but I learned more from my wife than I ever did in school. She was a very wise woman. She always paid attention and always told the truth. She was perfect in every way.

KP: What was the best advice she ever gave you?

JJ: To be myself. I am not ashamed of anything.

KP: That is wise. What other insights have you gained along the way?

JJ: My mother taught us all to play in the morning and at night. My parents were good people. When my grandfather was on his deathbed, my brother went to see him. My grandfather asked for a cardboard box where he kept receipts for debts that people owed him, like $5 or $2.  My brother said, “What’s this?”

"They already paid me,” my grandfather said. “I don’t need money where I’m going.”

That’s the kind of people I grew up with. People who showed kindness.

KP: Would you describe yourself as kind, too?

JJ: At one point, we had a house in Seattle. I raised vegetables and fruit, like raspberries and grapes. The whole neighborhood was always welcome to come and help themselves to whatever they could find.

KP: What do you think is the most important lesson of all?

JJ: Treat people like you want them to treat you.

Note: The co-author of this post is Marion Sills, MD, an emergency medicine provider in Colorado.

While many among us are living gratifying lives and enjoying healthy relationships, all of us have been exposed to heart-wrenching stories from the frontlines of the ebola outbreak. Images of suffering victims and of the healthcare providers who have given their lives serving them highlight a critical issue:

How much giving is enough giving?

The deaths of the frontline healthcare providers dramatize the extreme of what happens to a lesser, and yet still devastating, degree to many workers in settings where compassion can motivate over-giving. What is to be done when caretakers--including teachers, spouses, parents and others who give their energies to others at home and at work--begin to feel like they are figuratively and sometimes in actuality giving so much that they are “giving their lives” to the care of others?

While large headlines about the ebola outbreak in West Africa ensure our awareness of this dangerous and still spreading sickness, juxtaposed if somewhat less dramatic headlines are informing readers of another epidemic that has been spreading in American cities. Initially in Denver and the midwest, but increasingly also filling emergency rooms in our coastal cities as well, to overflowing, the serious, albeit less deadly, enterovirus-D68 features a lung illness that primarily strikes children.

Differences between the challenges presented by ebola and by enterovirus go beyond the severity of the illness. Ebola-stricken regions have grossly inadequate infrastructure and personnel to care for their ill. They lack the know-how, the governmental policies, and the physical resources including even such simple equipment as rubber gloves for healthcare workers to prevent further spread of this terrifying plague. By contrast, most of the patients here in the US who have been stricken with enterovirus-D68 do have access to the necessary supportive and often highly intensive care that they need to survive and eventually to thrive again.

Yet a similar major psycho-ethical dilemma faces healthcare providers on both sides of the globe.

Both epidemics bring more patients to those of us who are healthcare providers than we can handle while still maintaining a professionally compassionate and responsive patient-provider relationship.

By tradition and professional oath, most healthcare providers take seriously their moral obligation to care for the ill in a manner that is kind, effective, equitable and patient-centered. We and our families know that this obligation sometimes extends our time away from home to unplanned hours. This ethical obligation, plus our own internal feelings of compassion, motivates us when necessary to extend our efforts far beyond routine or billable care.

Preparedness protocols and extensive practice drills train healthcare workers well for what to do for patients in response to sudden mass casualty incidents such as epidemics, earthquakes and school shootings. Disaster protocols, however, give less guidance about balancing help for others with care for ourselves, and especially in response to an extended crisis.

When emergency rooms are being flooded

If every day on every shift an emergency room faces many more patients than their staffing has been designed to handle, that's when the dilemmas kick in.

Yes, we do follow the guidance in disaster protocols for caring for patients in emergency situations. We are encouraged, for example, to triage as many patients as possible out the door to head back home with less treatment than usual as long as they are stable.

Yet at the end of a taxing shift, we face terrible choices for which we do not have clear guidance. With numerous seriously ill patients yet to be treated, do we stay until the job is done, or do we go home to sleep before returning for tomorrow’s shift? Are we upholding our moral obligation as a provider when we are cutting corners, like interrupting patient’s narratives once we have the medically necessary information? How do we fulfill our professional obligations without “giving our lives” metaphorically if not literally?

Local disasters such as major car accidents, fires, floods and earthquakes generally are time-limited. For a brief time period, an overdose of giving can actually stimulate adrenaline and enhance feelings of self-worth.

An epidemic, by contrast, may draw out over weeks or months. For this kind of longer term period of intense need, ethics of care for others must be balanced by self-care ethics. Otherwise, doctors and nurses in African ebola and American enterovirus treatment centers, or any caregivers in overloaded extended-need situations, become at-risk for burn out, that is, for experiencing the profound apathy that signifies the death of zeal and compassion.

The lessons healthcare professionals must learn during an extended period of disaster about balancing caring for others with caring for ourselves can guide us in our family and personal lives as well. Apathy and resentment are likely to set in whenever feelings that, however much we do it will never be enough, motivate us to give, give, give till we drop.

Apathy and its twin sister resentment can, sadly, erode the positive emotions of goodwill and eagerness to make a difference in others’ lives that make life worth living.

Feeling apathetic? Burned out? Like you’ve given more than you have to give and that you now need to take? Take a nap. Take in appreciation. Take time to focus on your own life pleasures, needs and desires. Take whatever would rejuvenate you. Rebalance your giving and your getting now if you want to be able to complete with enthusiasm the marathon ahead.

Interestingly, apathy, referred to by the social theorist Emile Durkheim as anomie, can set in from the opposite side of the give-get continuum. A reader recently wrote to me that she suffers from apathy that comes from not having a place to give, from feeling too self-centered and without enough activities that might give her a feeling that her life makes a difference to others.

In sum, excessive altruism kills enthusiasm. So does an excessively narcissistic, all-about-me, lifestyle. How are you doing in balancing these dimensions? Balance needn’t mean equal. It does require at least some responsivity to the needs on each side in a ratio that genuinely works for you.

Healthcare providers confront epidemics almost every year.

Every winter influenza season brings an influx of viruses and with them, excessive numbers of patients, many quite ill, others needing reassurance that they are not so ill. Recent trends in healthcare financing further challenge providers by shrinking the time allotted for each patient. What are psychological and physical healthcare professionals to do?

What we learn in times of extended disasters can help better equip us for our normal day-to-day challenges of providing care to others and at the same time caring for ourselves.

The ancient sage Hillel once offered a recipe for countering the apathy that arises from an unbalanced life. It’s a recipe that fits well for today’s times:

“If I am not for myself, who will be? And if I am for myself alone, what good am I? And if not now, when?”

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Denver clinical psychologist Susan Heitler, Ph.D, a graduate of Harvard and NYU, is author of Power of Two, a book, a workbook, and a website that teach the communication skills that sustain positive relationships.  

Click here for a free Power of Two relationship quiz. 

Click the Power of Two logo to learn the skills for a strong, emotionally healthy and loving marriage.

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Click here to read more psychologytoday.com articles by Dr. Heitler, or click Dr. H's Blogpostshere for an index by topics of the article on her blog.

One of the third grade girls doesn’t want to play with my daughter at recess. I’m not sure what to cook for dinner tonight – right now peanut butter sandwiches are a real possibility because it’s about all I have in the house – but then does this make me a bad mother? I need to wash the reds so that my daughter’s soccer uniform is ready for the weekend game, my husband has a late, will-miss-dinner meeting and the check engine light just went on. Oh, and I see I’ve just been summoned for jury duty.

Any one of these hassles – so common to the daily routine -- can ratchet up the stress. And, how we react and cope with that has a big-time impact on how happy and healthy we feel and how long we live.

Research Shows Daily Stress is the Worst

Stress morphs into many forms and consistently high stress levels just plain wear our out our brains and bodies priming us for a host of health risks. But it isn’t necessarily the big stuff like job loss, divorce, or death that places the greatest demand. It’s the little daily hassles like job pressures, relationship conflicts, commuting issues, and other common and routine burdens that may have the biggest impact on our longevity, according to new research out of Oregon State University.

Carolyn Aldwin, director of the Center for Healthy Aging Research in the College of Public Health and Human Sciences at Oregon State University, and her team, looked at the stressful life events and everyday hassles for nearly 1,300 older men.

Those who identified few everyday hassles had the lowest mortality rate. Nearly half of the men who said they had a mid-range number of hassles had died by the end of the study. But of the men who reported a high number of everyday stressors, 64-percent died.

The study seems to indicate, that while some stress is unavoidable, how you react to those stressors has a big impact on how well and long you live.

“It’s not the number of hassles that does you in, it’s the perception of them begin a big deal that causes problems,” Aldwin said. “Taking things in stride may protect you.”

Perception of Stress

On my best days, I see the kind of routine annoyances like the jury duty, and the third-grade meanie, and a family subsisting on peanut butter, not as stressful, but as part of a grander, life experience. I’ll laugh or shake my head and move on. On my best days. Sometimes, though, any little thing gets under my skin and stresses me out.

On those days, perspective is everything and I rely on three primary stress-busting strategies to keep me grounded and sane.

Three of My Stress-Busting Favorites

Why are these my faves? Because I can do them in the middle of an 8-year-old’s meltdown over hair bands, while stuck in traffic, or when facing a work deadline. They work anywhere. They are free, easy-peasy and immediately help you move from the stressful mindset of what-isn’t-working to the focused mindset of what is.

Acting stressed is time consuming. It’s energy depleting. And sometimes leaves me feeling mentally muddled and overwhelmed. I just don’t have time for that. So, I’m a fan of anything that promotes calm and clarity. Here are four things that do.

1. Breathe. Simple, but effective. Take at least five deep slow breaths from your diaphragm. See your belly moving in and out and you are doing this right. This simple act changes your physiology and also your focus. It takes intention and attention to breathe this way and when you do it, you slip out of the cycle of rumination and worry.

2. Accept. Much of our stress comes from worrying about what might happen, or wishing away what has happened. I wish I was thinner. I wish I my hair wasn’t turning gray. What if the car conks out on the freeway? What if I run out of peanut butter? Then we move on to bigger and better worries – what if I have cancer? What if I lose the job? When we do this, we are stuck in a worried imagination instead of dealing with reality. Wishing and what-iffing do not change what is, but they do keep us stuck in the ick.

Acceptance is the antidote. It roots us in the moment and takes the drama out of the situation. Simply notice the moment, without judgment. “I’ve been summoned to jury duty” feels easier to cope with than, “what if jury duty means I’m late picking up my daughter after school?”  When you can find acceptance in the moment, you also have greater clarity and insight as to how to deal with the situation in the next moment. Before you stress out, then, you’ve got a solution to the trouble you might still be what-iffing over. This is a healthier, more empowering, less stressful way to live.

3. Reframe. Take a different view of the world. Sometimes this is as simple as sitting in a different chair in the room. You see the room from a whole new perspective and it changes how you think.

Often, when we are under fire or stressed out we take a narrow view of the stressful circumstance. Instead, take a broader perspective. View the situation from all sides and pick the one with the best scenery. Things are rarely black and white. There are many true and accurate ways to look at any one situation. Choose the one that helps you cope better with the situation. For example, a job loss can be awful, stressful, devastating or it can give you the extra time you need to pursue your passion or find your dream job.

Life is filled with stressful moments to be sure, but how you react to them will determine how well you live and maybe even how long.

In my last post I argued that it’s time to stop telling parents they need to know more about nutrition. Parents, I said, already know enough to feed their kids well, and to the extent that parents feed their kids unhealthy foods, they do it because it helps the wheels of family life run a little more smoothly.

But here’s another reason to stop harping on nutrition: it makes smart parents teach their kids unhealthy eating habits. Not for any subversive, conspiracy-theory reasons. (Trust, me; I’m not imagining a band of rogue parents intentionally seducing their children into eating all the wrong things). Rather, the constant discussion about nutrition in our culture inadvertently teaches children to hate healthy foods. How?

We’re a nation of hypocrites. It seems like we put healthy food (and healthy eaters) on a pedestal, but which foods do we really celebrate? The junk. Think about what I call The Chocolate Cake Look. You know the one, it’s the look you use when you bring out a chocolate cake: you become animated, your eyes light up, your voice goes up about an octave. Ever seen anyone use that look for broccoli?

What message does that teach your kids?

And when we do ooh and aah over healthy food, we do it either by remarking that the healthy food doesn’t really taste “healthy,” (because we all know that healthy foods taste bad) or we trip over ourselves to see who can drool over the one “unhealthy” ingredient—“it has lots of gooey cheese”—the most.

What message does that teach your kids?

Almost every social message about food reinforces the idea that healthy food is necessary but not tasty. And that junk is the food we want, but shouldn’t have. No wonder research shows that Americans intuitively think junk food=yum and healthy food=yuk.¹

Think you’re an exception? Think again. The research also shows that even people who think they believe healthy food is tasty, still subconsciously classify unhealthy foods with enjoyment more readily than they classify healthy food with enjoyment.

It’s not hard to prove the validity of this point. I often ask seminar participants to close their eyes and imagine their favorite healthy food. We really get into it by picturing that delicious salad, that favorite entrée. You can practically see people salivating. Then I ask everyone to picture their favorite chocolate cake. Or ice cream. Or their junk of choice. No one has ever argued that their favorite healthy food beats their favorite treat.

The experts have lots of reasons why children reject vegetables: they naturally like sweet foods and vegetables don’t fit this flavor profile; toddlers go through a picky phase (known as neophobia) at the exact developmental moment when they’re becoming more mobile because this is Mother Nature’s way of keeping kids from ingesting poisonous things.

These explanations have some truth, no doubt, but they paint an incomplete picture, especially since children don’t develomentally “age-out” of bad eating habits. Compared to 2-5 year olds,

• 6-11 year olds are 2.7 times more likely to under-consume fruit and 1.5 times more likely to under-consume vegetables. 
• Adolescents are 4 times more likely to under-consume fruit and nearly 2.5 times more likely to under-consume vegetables.²

To understand the eating habits of children over time we have to find an explanation that exists over time. Here are two:

• Our cultural dialogue about nutrition has led to The Medicalization of the Meal. We “sell” healthy food based on the nutrients it provides but we “sell” treats based on how good they taste.” This turns people away from healthy food and towards treats.
• In response to the pressure to do the right thing, parents look for foods that contain enough of the “right” nutrients (think chicken nuggets, they have protein) even though these foods push our kids’ taste buds away from healthy foods and towards junk. 

It’s counterintuitive, but the way to teach children to eat healthy foods is to stop talking about how healthy the food is. Instead, we have to change the conversation to habits. There are only three habits that translate nutrition into behavior—proportion, variety, moderation. (You can read about these in my last post.) We need to start teaching young kids these habits from the get-go, because habits learned early on in life have a tendency to stick around. 

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~ 

¹ Raghunathan, R., R. Walker Naylor, and W. D. Hoyer. 2006. “The Unhealthy = Tasty Intuition and Its Effects on Taste Inferences, Enjoyment, and Choice of Food Products.” Journal of Marketing 70: 170-84.

² Lorson, B., H. R. Melgar-Quinonez, and C. Taylor, A. 2009. “Correlates of Fruit and Vegetable Intakes in Us Children.” Journal of the American Dietetic Association 109 (3): 474-78. 

© 2014 Dina Rose, PhD, is the author of the book, It’s Not About the Broccoli: Three Habits to Teach Your Kids for a Lifetime of Healthy Eating (Perigee Books). She also writes the blog It's Not About Nutrition. 

Happiness depends more on the inner disposition of mind than on outward circumstances"                                                                                                                       Benjamin Franklin

In case you hadn't noticed, there's been a wealth of information recently in the form of books, TV shows, CD's, DVD's, magazine articles, and even movies on a subject that is near and dear to everyone's heart. The subject is happiness. I'm not sure why it is that there seems to be more interest in happiness these days than there has been in the past. I don't believe that it's a reflection of a trend toward greater narcissism and self-centeredness in our culture, nor that it is simply a temporary fad that will pass when people find something else to concern themselves with. And that's a good thing, because a world with more happy people enhances the quality of life for us all.

 Although happiness has been an essential aspect of the American consciousness since the inception of our nation when we were first informed that it's pursuit was a fundamental right of all US citizens, it has never seemed quite proper or respectable to acknowledge how much we desire, even crave this experience. Perhaps it's out of a fear of appearing overly self- absorbed or unenlightened. Perhaps it's because in acknowledging that we deeply desire happiness we implicitly admit that we don't have as much of it as we want, and that may feel shameful or embarrassing. Or perhaps it's because we've grown up believing that good people shouldn't care too much about their own happiness but rather should be more concerned about the well-being of others. 

 

Religious doctrines aside, there's a fair amount of evidence that we humans are predisposed to favor pleasurable experiences be they mental, physical, or emotional, over those that are unpleasant. This predisposition seems to be hardwired into us. Feelings of happiness not only enhance our sense of well-being but as scientists have proven, promote changes on a physiological level in our bodies. Chemicals and endorphins flood our bodies when we experience well-being and fulfillment. Happiness gives our cells the message that life is good and reaffirms our commitment to being alive in ways that can enrich not only our quality of life, but our actual physical health, and even affect our longevity. His Holiness the Dalai Lama himself has been quoted as saying "The purpose of life is to be happy."



So, I think it's great that our longing for happiness is not a reflection of selfishness, but rather an expression of our humanness, and that it is finally coming out of the closet, and that increasing numbers of us are unabashedly acknowledging this desire and committing ourselves to becoming more fulfilled and joyful in our own lives. 



 In our book, 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married, number 4 is "The greatest gift that you can give your own partner is your own happiness." While some people might see this statement as being grandiose, I think it is rather modest and that a more accurate phrasing of it would be that the greatest gift that you can give the WORLD is your own happiness. What the world doesn't need is more sacrificing martyrs who forgo their happiness in order to fulfill a vision of nobility or righteousness, but inwardly feel resentful and unfulfilled. 



Not only are personal happiness and generosity towards others not mutually excusive, they are inextricably linked. The happier one is, the more inclined he or she is to share their inner and outer resources with others. Happy people naturally contribute to the overall well-being of those around them, not just by what they do, but by who they are. Those who are uncomfortable around happy people or who resent them often do so because they are, for whatever reasons, denying themselves the feelings of well-being that these people are expressing and that may be activating feelings of envy or anger.           

When we stop denying ourselves the experiences that promote happiness and the feelings that go along with them, we stop resenting those that are happy, and feel enhanced and enriched by them. The Buddhists have a term for this phenomenon. They call it "sympathetic joy" and it has to do with taking pleasure in others' happiness. The opposite of this is known as Schadenfreude, which has to do with taking pleasure in others' pain or misfortune. When we don't honor our innate drive for happiness, we secretly wish for others to suffer or fail. Since this tendency feels shameful, we do our best to conceal it. We pretend that we want the best for everyone, even when we may secretly harbor an entirely different intent. The best cure for Schadenfreude is a commitment to our own happiness and well-being which will inevitably lead to a dedication to the well-being of others, not just those closest to us, but to all beings.       


When we live in this mindset, we don't see the world in terms of allies and adversaries, heroes and zeroes, or friends and enemies, but rather as a place in which we are all connected by common needs, desires, concerns, and feelings, with each of us doing what we believe will bring about greater fulfillment and less suffering in our own life. 



 Sylvia Boorstein, whose best-selling book, Happiness is an Inside Job, agrees with Ben Franklin's assertion that external circumstances are less relevant to our quality of well being than our inner state of mind or mental attitude. Not that either of these two wise elders claims that we should or even can be continually joyful. 



While as Ben Franklin says, external circumstances are less relevant to our level of happiness, there is little if any possibility that any of us can experience a life that is completely and permanently free of any and all unhappiness. Life for all of us inevitably contains some suffering and some circumstances are powerful enough to derail even our clearest intentions to be happy. Life sometimes hands us situations that, despite our best efforts, feel overwhelming or completely unmanageable. At these times, surrendering resistance and control may be the wisest thing that we can do. If we can do this, at the very least we won't unnecessarily prolong or aggravate an already difficult situation which will in time, inevitably pass. 



Managing our thoughts and choosing our attitude doesn't guarantee happiness, but it does enable us to be less affected by outside forces and to have more influence over the moods that possess us. The best medicine for happiness is a balanced and unconfused mind that neutralizes much of suffering by promoting feelings of benevolence and compassion within ourselves and others.

In our busy daily lives, finding even a few moments of inner quiet and peace can be a daunting challenge, but the good news is that even a few minutes can be enough to cool our hyperactive thinking and bring about greater clarity and understanding. It's possible, even in the most hectic of schedules to take a brief break, pause, and check into our inner experience and actually feel our feelings, acknowledge and sense our physical sensations, and become mindful of our thoughts. Such reflection interrupts and weakens habituated thought patterns that may create anxiety and confusion. This may not always be enough to put you into a mood of ecstatic bliss, but it will at least put a little more breathing room into your life. And that sure beats the alternative!

Recently, psychologist Dr. Christine Harris and her colleague, Caroline Prouvost, published the results of a study, confirming what many of us already suspected: dogs get jealous (see article here). By evaluating how dogs responded to their owners petting a fake dog and a jack-o-lantern pail, or reading from a pop up book complete with melodies. The dogs were least reactive to their owners reading a book out loud, a little less than half wanted their owners to ignore the pail, but a whopping 78% actively attempted to disrupt their owner’s friendly behavior towards a toy puppy by pushing or touching the owner. Some dogs went so far as to get in between the fake puppy and their owner, while others downright snapped at the offending ‘dog’. One dog out of 36 seemed to have “issues” and snapped at the book and pail as well. Yikes!

While this is certainly an interesting study, it has broader implications for what is jealousy all about. Not only that, but since we share this trait with other species, does that mean it is natural? What does this mean for us when considering jealous feelings in our own lives and relationships?

To answer these questions, let’s examine jealousy a bit more closely. Jealousy is frequently considered as a secondary emotion triggered in response to primary emotion like fear or anger. Regardless, jealousy is the feeling that someone is trying to take something you have. For instance, if you are a French angelfish or a titi monkey, someone might be trying to steal your mate. You might be wondering exactly how does a male titi monkey display his jealousy? He increases his aggression (vocally first, then physically) in direct proportion to the proximity of an outsider. Meaning the closer another male gets to his mate, the more distressed he becomes.

Given that a titi monkey couple forms a tight pair-bond and rely heavily on each other to raise their children, both have a lot to lose if their mate is filched by another. And this is not unusual. Frankly, anytime a strong bond is formed with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex), jealous behavior will emerge when an interloper is detected. In that sense, we can think about how jealousy may have evolved to protect social bonds from trespassers.

In species that don’t form strong romantic attachments, jealousy behavior over mates isn’t as frequent. Squirrel monkeys don’t really seem to care one way or the other and jealousy over mates is a non-issue. Food, on the other hand is another matter! Indeed, jealous behavior over the allocation of material resources is probably the next most common scenario where we see jealousy emerge. Sibling rivalry anyone?

If you think about it, as soon as you have a sibling, your parents’ time, energy, affection, and resources is divided up into smaller and smaller bits. Not to mention, just like in some human families, in many species there is some version of parents allocating resources differently among the kids. Yes, animal moms and dads can play favorites (hence all the jealousy!). In birds, one way they do this is by allocating hormones differentially during development. The end result is that one chick may be born larger and have a leg up on its siblings. A far more common strategy is for one sibling (usually the larger one) to just get rid of the competition. This is where we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief that we are human and not a pelican, an eagle, or a sand shark.

Whether it is time, affection, resources, or mates, we can see that, in other animals, jealous behavior is functional and purposeful. This brings up an important point and a critical difference between humans and other animals. Other animals respond to actual threats from potential mate thieves and to real differences in the allocation of time, affection, and resources. What we don’t see is jealousy in response to imaginary threats. A titi monkey will not wake up, having dreamt their partner was unfaithful and behave aggressively toward an imaginary intruder, or worse, its mate!

In some sense then, one could say that other animals are better at assessing situations and having an accurate view of what is happening. On top of that, animals are very busy accomplishing a lot of goals. They have to find food, survive, raise offspring, defend their territory, and maintain social relationships. They literally do not have the time to devote to unproductive activities not founded in an immediate reality. Not to mention that picking fights unnecessarily is extremely risky; someone could get injured.

We not only have the tendency to become jealous over imagined threats, but we also don’t seem to take into account the “cost” of certain behaviors. Spending your time watching, following, or checking up on your partner takes away from accomplishing your own goals. A healthy dose of suspicion seems understandable, whether it is in mountain baboons or ourselves. What doesn’t make sense is an all-consuming perception of constant threat. This is costly to one’s self and is damaging to relationship and becomes obvious when we recognize that jealousy often emerges as the third leading cause of non-accidental homicide.

That’s not to say not to say that we should ignore signs our relationships may be in danger. However, it pays to be a bit more like a titi monkey and evaluate whether something is actually happening or if it’s just insecurity wreaking havoc—not unlike the one hypersensitive dog who snapped at the pail! Speaking of which, the dogs clearly perceived the toy dog as a real threat. Most of the individuals ‘checked’ by sniffing the rear end of the toy dog and, after getting a good whiff, only 3 of them decided they had nothing to worry about.

Neuroscientists around the globe agree that physical activity is the best medicine to maintain brain health throughout your lifespan. Why is physical activity so good for your brain?

There are many reasons that exercise is good for your brain. These include: increased blood flow, which improves cerebrovascular health; the release of neurotrophic factors like BDNF, which stimulates the growth of new neurons; and the benefits of glucose and lipid metabolism which bring nourishment to the brain.

Recently, researchers at the Beckman Institute at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign found that physical activity is also associated with improved white matter integrity. In two separate studies—released the past month—researchers found that physical activity improved the white matter integrity of physically fit children aged 9 to 10 and also in “low fit” participants aged 60 to 78.  

The researchers found that physical activity improves the microstructures of white matter in the brain. White matter integrity is linked to faster neural conduction between brain regions and superior cognitive performance.

Multiple Sclerosis (MS) directly affects the integrity of white matter. In MS lesions the myelin sheath around the axons gradually deteriorates. Changes in white matter, known as amyloid plaques, are associated with Alzheimer's disease and other neurodegenerative diseases.

What is the White Matter of Your Brain?

White matter consists mostly of glial cells and myelinated axons that act as communication lines between various regions of gray matter in the cerebrum. White matter also allows communication between the cerebrum and lower brain centers including the cerebellum.

When white matter tissue is freshly cut in a living brain, it actually appears pinkish because myelin is composed largely of lipid tissue that is veined with capillaries for vascularization. According to Arthur Kramer, the director of the Beckman Institute, one reason that exercise might improve white matter integrity is that physical activity gets the blood pumping through the brain and improves vascularization of these capillaries. There is also the possiblilty that physical activity improves myelination.

White matter carries nerve signals between the gray matter in one brain region to another brain region. The more streamlined and compact your white matter is, the faster and more efficiently your brain functions.

These new studies show that physical activity appears to make the axons in white matter more tightly bundled and compact. Exercise appears to improve white matter integrity which is correlated with more efficient communication between brain regions from childhood into our golden years.

Aerobic Fitness in Children Linked to White Matter Integrity

The first new study from the Beckman Institute, “Aerobic Fitness is Associated with Greater White Matter Integrity in Children,” was published August 2014 in in the open-access journal Frontiers in Human Neuroscience. In this study U. of I. kinesiology and community heatlh professor Charles Hillman, postdoctoral researcher Laura Chaddock-Heyman and their colleagues found that physically fit children had more fibrous and compact white matter tracts in the brain than their less fit peers.

In a press release, University of Illinois researcher Laura Chaddock-Heyman said, "Previous studies suggest that children with higher levels of aerobic fitness show greater brain volumes in gray matter brain regions important for memory and learning. Now for the first time we explored how aerobic fitness relates to white matter in children's brains."

Chaddock and her colleagues used a technique called diffusion tensor imaging (DTI) to look at five white matter tracts that play a role in attention and memory. The findings revealed significant fitness-related improvements in the integrity of several white matter tracts. 

For this study, the researchers didn't specifically test for cognitive differences in the children. A wide range of studies over the past decades have found a link between aerobic fitness levels, improved cognitive function, and higher academic test scores. "Previous studies in our lab have reported a relationship between fitness and white matter integrity in older adults," Kramer said. "Therefore, it appears that fitness may have beneficial effects on white matter throughout the lifespan."

Avoiding a Sedentary Lifestyle Benefits White Matter Integrity As You Age

The second new study from the Beckman Institute, “Physical Activity and Cardiorespiratory Fitness Are Beneficial for White Matter in Low-Fit Older Adults” was published September 2014 in the journal PLOS ONE. Postdoctoral researcher Agnieszka Burzynska conducted the research with Art Kramer and kinesiology and community health professor Edward McAuley.

In this study, the researchers found a strong link between the structural integrity of white matter tracts and an older person's level of daily activity. Interestingly, it wasn't the extent to which the person engaged in moderate or vigorous exercise, but simply if someone spent most of the day being sedentary. Avoiding a sedentary lifestyle can have dramatic effects on your brain health by maintaining the integrity of your white matter throughout a lifespan.

Hippocrates was right when he said “Walking is man’s best medicine.” Art Kramer has spent decades researching the brain benefits of physical activity. In a recent conversation, Kramer said that the best news about the latest findings is that you don’t have to be running marathons or winning triathlons to reap the brain benefits of physical activity.

In our conversation, Art Kramer and I spoke about the difficulty of motivating people to break a sweat. He emphasized that the most exciting aspect of this new study is that it shows that the real enemy is sedentarism. This study indicates that just a little bit of movement every day helps preserve the integrity of your brain’s white matter.

Conclusion: Physical Activity Improves Brain Health and Cognitive Function at Any Age

These results come at a critical time. In a digital age, our society has become increasingly unfit and sedentary. As the father of a 6-year-old, I am passionate about public health and education policies that affect children's brain health and overall development. As adults we can make daily lifestyle choices that include physical activity. Unfortunately, most children are subject to policies that tend to reduce or eliminate opportunities for physical activity during the school day.

Reducing the time and availability for children to be physically active during the school day could have negative impacts on the integrity of white matter tracts, which might reduce brain efficiency and could lead to lower test scores.

One of the most interesting findings from recent research is that white matter microstructure in the corona radiata is linked to mathematics performance (van Eimeren et al., 2008). Ironically, in an attempt to prepare children for the Common Core Standards and No Child Left Behind testing by forcing them to sit still in a chair we may actually be sabotaging a child's brain from optimizing white matter integrity.

Laura Chaddock-Heyman and co-authors sum up the importance of physical activity in the conclusion of their study when they say, “In fact, our study raises the possibility that greater white matter integrity, perhaps via greater myelination, is one pathway by which higher fit children excel in cognitive and academic performance compared to their less fit peers. Hopefully these findings will reinforce the importance of aerobic fitness during development and lead to additional physical activity opportunities in and out of the school environment.”

If you'd like to read more on this topic, check out my Psychology Today blog posts:

• "Physically Fit Children Have Enhanced Brain Powers"
• "Where Do the Children Play in 2014?"
• "Physical Activity Improves Cognitive Function"
• "What Daily Habit Can Boost “Healthy Aging” Odds Sevenfold?”
• "Five Lifestyle Choices That Will Help You Live Longer"
• "Why Does Aerobic Activity Improve Cognitive Function?
• "Can Physical Activities Improve Fluid Intelligence?"
• "I Want to Make You Want to Sweat"
• “Irisin: The “Exercise Hormone” has Powerful Health Benefits”
• “The Brain Drain of Inactivity”
• "Physical Activity Boosts Brain Power"

Follow me on Twitter @ckbergland for updates on The Athlete’s Way blog posts.

A sea of late spring dandelions outside my barn is leaning toward Cape Cod Bay in a stiff wind, a wave of yellow. I am drawn to the cluster. The dandelion—a French derivative for “dent de lion,” the tooth of a lion, with its sharp yellow leaves and believed to date back 30 million years— is born as a flower, becomes a weed, and dies slowly from the head down. Then its white, fluffy seeds, gentle blowballs, genetically identical to the parent plant, float away to pollinate the world.

And so it is with Alzheimer’s, the decay of a flowering brain, pollinating the world, and in cases like mine, genetically identical to the parent plant. I am anxious now every time I cut the lawn, trimming the lithe stalks of dandelions turned weed.

“What is a weed?” Ralph Waldo Emerson pondered in his essay Fortune of the Republic, “A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.” Perhaps Emerson, who succumbed to Alzheimer’s, was contemplating the dandelion—a free spirit of a plant, a symbol of courage and hope, with relevance in medicine, legend, and in Christianity. In medieval times, the dandelion, a bitter herb, was a symbol for the crucifixion of Christ.

The virtue of Alzheimer’s today is a hope for redemption at a darkest time. It is my hope, and the hope of millions worldwide afflicted with Alzheimer’s, along with their selfless caregivers, that this demon of a disease be stopped before it ravages further. It’s been said that in 25 years there will be two kinds of people: those with Alzheimer’s and those caring for someone with the disease.

As Baby Boomers cross the divide of the golden years, a thief prowls at will to rob memory, purpose, and sense of self. Only a collective cry from the grassroots, the base of a dandelion, will energize the world and its governments to fund a cure and better care. Our Defense Department will spend more in the next two weeks responding to turmoil in Iraq than Capitol Hill will spend in a year for Alzheimer’s research.

While our government defends its political and economic interests, who is defending our minds? Like a herd of elephants, our nation in rote lumbers on to the call of the planet’s wild.

Elephants are my favorite. They have documented long-term memory, coveted now by Boomers. On a shelf in my office is a small ceramic elephant holding a fishing pole. I purchased it years ago from a gallery in Santa Fe, a cerebral place of awe-inspiring natural light. The ceramic serves to remind me daily of the need for retention and focus in my fight with dementia. The artwork has a place of prominence: It is the elephant in the room.

The word “dementia” is onomatopoeia for many, a word that conjures up a sound—in this case, a howl in the night or biblical images of a demonic maniac, a portrait that no one wants to own. Dementia is derived from the Latin root word for madness, “out of one’s mind,” an irreversible cognitive dysfunction, a walking nightmare in which you can’t escape the bogeyman no matter how fast you run.

Yet you still run. If one quits, you drift back, devoured by the beast. The best of runners in life have partners. My prayer is that we partner up from Capitol Hill to California to make Alzheimer’s a fading memory.

Greg O'Brien's latest book, On Pluto: Inside the Mind of Alzheimer's, will be published in September. He is also the subject of the short film, directed by award-winning filmmaker Steve James, online at livingwithalz.org. In 2009, he was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer's. His maternal grandfather and his mother died of the disease. O'Brien also carries a marker gene for Alzheimer's.

Our frustrations are often blamed on modern society, but monkeys had the same frustrations 50 million years ago. They could climb a high tree for a juicy mango only to have it snatched from them by a fellow monkey. But they evolved a brain that thrives on frustration, and we have inherited it. Our brain releases happy chemicals when we overcome an obstacle. But unhappy chemicals serve us too, by letting us know when Plan B is a better use of our energy. Frustration leads to new ways to feel good. Here are some examples.

Dopamine
Cracking nuts open is frustrating, but a monkey needs the protein. It will bang away at a nut for a long time because dopamine triggers a great feeling when a reward is anticipated. Persistence often works, but not always. If your technique is flawed or you've picked up a bad nut, persistence gets you nowhere. Knowing when to stop and try something different is the way to succeed. Frustration helps a monkey know when to stop. Giving in to frustration quickly is a bad strategy, but it's also bad to ignore frustration forever. The primate brain is equipped to weigh the options and decide when to honor frustration and shift focus. The shift opens a monkey to new information, like a better nut or a better technique. Our brains don't shift easily because old dopamine pathways are efficient and new paths are unproven. Plan B takes a big investment of energy, and frustration motivates that investment. 

Serotonin
Monkeys often have their food snatched from them by a bigger stronger monkey. They rarely resist because they'll get bitten, which hurts more than losing a snack. They will look for a new piece of fruit instead. A monkey doesn't go after fruit that's far from its group because it's vulnerable to predators when isolated. Instead, it looks for a fruit that’s close, but not close to a more dominant individual. His brain is skilled at figuring this out. The mammal brain is always comparing itself to others. When a monkey sees that it compares favorably, its serotonin surges and it goes for the fruit. It wants to be nice, but it wants to eat too. The monkey is not consciously interested in one-upping others, but he has needs. He learned to meet his needs in youth with the help of serotonin. A young monkey is never fed solid food. He learns to get food while nourished by mother's milk, and that learning includes how to manage the conflict that comes with group life. After weaning, a juvenile monkey will starve unless he holds his own in a group of monkeys who are bigger than him. He must know how to hold back to avoid harm until his serotonin says its safe, and then go for it. Holding back is frustrating so he eagerly seeks opportunities to let go. All too soon, another dominant monkey frustrates him, but he's always alert for interactions that he can dominate. (And she is alert for interactions she can dominate. I use male pronouns for simplification.)

Oxytocin
A monkey feels good when he gives or receives a grooming because oxytocin is stimulated. But the quest for oxytocin often leads to frustration. Sometimes you groom others and they don’t groom you back. Sometimes they forget you when mating season comes, or when meat is being shared. Sometimes you risk your life defending a grooming buddy and they don’t defend you back. Frustration motivates you to take your grooming elsewhere, but that can be frustrating too. You might even suffer the indignity of having your grooming offers rejected. Frustration can build to the point that you consider leaving the troop. You risk being eaten alive out alone in the world, but the prospect of new monkeys treating you right lures you on. It's hard to build trust bonds with new grooming partners, but frustration motivates you to keep trying.

In today's world, you can eat shelled nuts from a bag on the couch. You can sue people who steal your mangoes. You can negotiate contracts with your grooming partners. But we still get frustrated because our brain keeps trying to stimulate more dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. The next time you feel frustrated, you can see it as tool that opens you to new information. Frustration is a sign of intelligence because that's what it takes to consider alternatives. You can celebrate your ability to design a new strategy instead of mourning the disappointment of your expectations. We can never be sure which choice is best, but we can be sure that our brain evolved to make such choices.

A free 5-day happy-chemical jumpstart guide is available on my website, InnerMammalInstitute.org. Sign up here
. My book Meet Your Happy Chemicals has lots more on how to re-wire yourself for more of these happy chemicals. My book Beyond Cynical: Transcend Your Mammalian Negativity helps you recognize the habit of focusing on the negative and design a new habit to replace it. The social aspect of frustration is the subject of my book I, Mammal: Why Your Brain Links Status and Happiness, and my free slide shareIt's Not Easy Being Mammal. 

Body language, or nonverbal communication, is not a formal language like verbal communication. There are, however, subtle nonverbal cues that often occur out of awareness that can have a powerful impact on others. Here are some of the common, but lesser-known body language cues. 

The Eyebrow Flash. This is the quick raising of the eyebrows that often occurs, often without our knowledge, when we see someone we recognize. At the conscious level, we can use the eyebrow flash as a quick, subtle greeting to others. Human ethologist, Irenaus Eibl-Eibesfeldt studied the eyebrow flash and suggests that it is a universal sign of recognition.

Pupil Dilation. A series of research studies found that pictures of attractive women were rated as even more attractive if their pupils were larger. This goes back to the ancient Egyptian practice of women putting poisonous belladonna in their eyes which caused their pupils to dilate.

The Bowl Gesture. This gesture is when the hands move symmetrically and synchronously upward, forming a sort of bowl with the hands. The bowl gesture can occur when a person is conveying understanding, as if saying, “I’ve got it all here before me.” It is typically viewed very positively by observers, and conveys a sense that the gesturer is wise.

The “Fake” or Non-Duchenne Smile. Extensive research by Paul Ekman and his colleagues has distinguished between real smiles, indicating the emotion of happiness, and feigned happiness. The key is in the eyes. A true smile, or Duchenne smile, involves the eyes, and the narrowing of them that creates the “crow’s feet” at the outer corners. Often the fake smile is used to sort of appease the other person, saying, “I’m smiling, but I’m not enjoying this,” or “I’m humoring you.”

The Baton Gesture. This involves a closed-fist, with the thumb protruding on top, and is a very effective tool used in speaking that conveys emphasis in a positive way. If you have seen speeches by former President Bill Clinton, he makes very good use of the baton gesture.

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The self-help genre often offers up solutions without forcing us to reflect on what we’re actually doing and saying in our lives to cause our problems in the first place. So, in a contrarian mode, I’ve decided to detail what research knows to be some of the most toxic habits we may bring into our relationships, even though we may not even be aware that we have.

It’s true enough that all couples disagree and fight but research makes clear it’s how we fight and how often that matters. The more of these behaviors you see in your marriage—coming from either you or your spouse—the slippier the slope. And, of course, focusing on how you resolve conflict alone isn’t the whole story either. You need to ask yourself what you’re doing when you’re not fighting too.

Of course, if you really want to cut to the chase with a fast mode of destruction, you can simply be unfaithful. That, not surprisingly, is the still the #1 torpedo to marriage and cause of divorce, as a study by Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti showed. With infidelity the cause of 21.6% percent of these divorces, it was followed closely by incompatibility (19.2%), drinking or drug use (10.6%), growing apart (9.6%), personality problems (9.1%), and lack of communication (8.7 %). Physical or mental abuse and loss of love were singled out as causes much less frequently (5.8% and 4.3%, respectively.) There were significant gender differences in attribution of divorce, with the exception of incompatibility.

Keep in mind John Gottman’s 5:1 formula: It takes five happy-making, restorative, and constructive moments to outweigh the effect of a destructive one.

So, here are some of the behaviors most damaging to a relationship.

1. Personalize blame

The formal name for this is “causal attribution” and, simply put, when something goes wrong, do you explain it by attributing it to your partner’s weaknesses, flaws, or characteristic behavior? Do you instantly make it personal and do your sentences begin with the word “You” as in “You never listen” or “You’re always too busy” or, in a variation,” This is so typical of you?”

The work of Frank Fincham and Thomas Bradbury demonstrates that this kind of attribution is highly damaging and that in a stable marriage, partners don’t make it personal but tend to explain what’s happened in more general terms. Personalizing blame also is likely to elicit defensive behavior that, according to another study by Frank Fincham and Steven Beach, will lead to a cycle of blame and defensiveness which often escalates without anyone really planning on the escalation. In their paper they use a homely example many of you will recognize.

A couple gets into a car with a destination in mind—it could be a restaurant, a party to which they’re invited, a romantic getaway. You have, at the beginning, a shared goal: getting there. At some point, one or both of you realizes you’re on the wrong road. Suddenly, the goal shifts. The driver (the husband, in this case) asks the passenger (his wife) why she can’t read a damn map. The wife retorts that her map-reading skills are just fine but that he’s managed to miss a turn. He denies it, his jaw working. She says he should stop and get directions.  He won’t.

Yes, I know a GPS system could theoretically subvert all of this but you get the point, and you don’t need to be in a car to experience this kind of altercation. Without ever consciously shifting goals, each member of the couple moves away from the shared goal of wanting to get there to blame to self-defense. (Confession: this did happen to me on a road in Maine where the exits are fifty miles apart….)

2. Withdraw at times of demand

Imagine a couple in their living room. She is trying to engage her spouse in a discussion about what happened on Saturday night when she tried talking to him about how unresponsive he was and they got into a huge fight. She’s stewed about this for days and rehearsed what she's going to say but the longer she talks, the more his body language betrays his annoyance. He stays silent.His withdrawal prompts her to try even harder, her voice rising, as she begs him to please respond. The harder she tries to engage him, even goad him, the more he withdraws. Finally, he gets up and says, “I’m tired of this same old tattoo. I’m going out.”

This pattern is called “demand/withdraw” and it’s a robust predictor of marital dissatisfaction, depression, divorce, as well as physical abuse. To quote an article by Paul Schrodt and his co-authors,” researchers, clinicians, and therapists generally agree that it represents one of the most destructive interaction patterns in interpersonal relationships.” Researchers have demonstrated that while both genders exhibit demand/withdraw patterns, the wife-demand/husband-withdraw occurs more frequently.

Yes, years ago, this scenario was known as the “nagging wife,” and the subject of jokes, farce, and comedy as well as the source of deep marital discord. The reasons for the pattern are complicated and various, and may have roots in the disparate needs for intimacy and engagement in some couples, opposite sources of motivation (approach versus avoidance), attachment histories, and more.

It’s not hard to see why this cycle is so persistent and toxic because both parties feel wronged, if for different reasons. The demand partner feels ignored, marginalized, and perhaps abandoned; the other feels put upon, barraged by criticism, and under fire. Getting off the carousel will require both parties to take a close look and to listen and, in the best of all possible worlds, work at developing both new ways of communicating and reacting.

3. Stop asking or telling

A famous study by Arthur Aron showed that the simple act of asking questions and answering them—a mere thirty-six—reliably increased the sense of closeness in dating couples. We all know from experience that storytelling and sharing are important parts of courtship and commitment. But it’s also true that, over time, some couples stop their sharing their stories or stop being willing to listen to them. It can happen for any reason or no reason—different schedules, childcare interrupting adult time, the distraction of digital devices.  Sometimes, though, familiarity does breed contempt when one partner begins to tell a story—it could be about a fractious co-worker who’s been a problem before or about the behavior of one of the couple’s children or any subject that’s being revisited —and the other says,” You’ve already told me that” or “That again?” Those reponses effectively marginalize the speaker and are guaranteed to shut him or her down.

According to John Gottman, positive communication in a successful marriage includes showing interest, showing that you care, showing your concern and empathy, and being accepting, even when you don’t necessarily agree with your partner.

If you stop paying attention to what’s happening when you’re not fighting, you are clearly in trouble.

4. Practice lip service forgiveness

Here we find ourselves in the big bump territory of the often uneven road that is marriage, after a meaningful transgression (such as infidelity or a major lie) has altered the landscape of the marriage. Forgiveness is a somewhat of a psychological thicket and, as has been noted in the research, what constitutes “forgiveness” in layperson’s terms differs from the stance the research has taken.  In an article called “Forgiveness in Marriage,” the authors note that forgiveness needs to be “distinguished from accepting, excusing, or condoning an offense.” Forgiveness is, moreover, more a process than it is a single act. Despite all the illustrated platitudes about forgiveness that flash across your Facebook feed and mine, it’s a very complicated issue. The authors note that verbal statements of forgiveness “may not reflect true feelings” and they happen often enough that they have a name: “hollow forgiveness.”

Hollow forgiveness may not inspire you to forsake vengefulness or retaliation or feeling as though you have permission to act either of those or other punitive behaviors out.  But even real forgiveness has its pitfalls for, as the authors note, “The words ‘I forgive you’ often signal the beginning of process for a speaker (of trying to forgive the transgression) but tend to be seen as the end of the matter by the offending partner—who is also likely to be only too willing to put the transgression in the past and act as if it never happened.”

Needless to say, all the other flawed ways of communicating play an important role in whether forgiveness is genuine and whether the commitment to the dyad can be renewed and go forward. As the authors write: “In the usual course of events, the victim spouse has to cancel a debt that is bigger than the one acknowledged by [the] transgressor spouse. Thus the transgressor spouse may see their partner’s reaction to the transgression as overblown and itself a wrongdoing.”

True forgiveness can’t be the act of a single partner in the marriage; both people in the dyad have to renew their commitment to each other and the relationship in the context of a new landscape. Simply deciding, on your own, to forgive and forget likely as not won’t cut it.

5. Be a gatekeeper

A universal stress point in marriage is who does what and the splitting of duties, chores, and responsibilities, especially when there are children involved. Maternal gatekeeping has a whole body of research devoted to it which describes the situation when the mother holds on to and guards what is traditionally regarded as female territory, the tending of the home and children. This behavior, alas, may absolutely co-exist with a litany of complaints about how the husband/father isn’t doing his share, that she’s overburdened and the like. That said, men gatekeep too. There’s no greater disincentive to doing the dishes than having someone re-wash the ones you’ve already done or to re-load the dishwasher because you haven’t done it efficiently.

Because gatekeeping is often accompanied by a boatload of criticism and negativity, it’s highly destructive to many different aspects of the relationship.

So, if you’re bound and determined to be single again, you should definitely hang on to as many of these behaviors as you can. But if, like most of us, you long for companionship and intimacy in an imperfect world, taking a close look at what you bring to the party may be the best way of staying together.

Copyright© Peg Streep 2014

VISIT ME ON FACEBOOK: www.Facebook.com/PegStreepAuthor

READ MY NEW BOOK: Mastering the Art of Quitting: Why It Matters in Life, Love, and Work

READ Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt

Gottman, John. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. New York: Fireside, 1994.

Fincham, Frank D. and Thomas N. Bradbury,” Assessing Attributions in Marriage: The Relationship Attribution Measure,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (1992), vl.2, no.3, 457-468.

 Fincham, Frank D., Gordon T. Harold, and Susan Gano-Philips, “The Longitudinal Association between Attributions and Marital Satisfaction,” Journal of Family Psychology (2000), vol.14, no,27, 267-285.

 Fincham, Frank and Steven Beach, “Conflict in Marriage: Implications for Working with Couples,” Annual Review of Psychology, vol.40, 47-77 (February 1999), 48-91.

 Fincham, Frank D., Julie Hall and Steven R.H. Beach, “Forgiveness in Marriage: Current Status and Future Directions,” Family Relations, 55 (October 2006), 415-427.

 Schrodt, Paul, Paul L. Witt, and Jenna R. Shimkowski,” A Meta-Analytical Review of the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Interaction and its Association with Individual, Relational, and Communicative Outcomes, Communication Monographs, 81,1 (April 2014), 27-58.

 Allen, Sarah M. and Allan J. Hawkins, “Maternal Gatekeeping: Mother’s Beliefs and Behaviors that Inhibit Father Involvement in Family, Work,” Journal of the Marriage and Family, 6, no.1 (February 19919), 199-212. 

If you are a friend or relative of a loved one with mental illness, you too suffer the effects of the disorder. Burn out, compassion fatigue, hopelessness and feelings of powerlessness can go hand in hand while accompanying someone on their journey of recovery. As much as the struggle is theirs; it’s yours as well. You, as a personal caregiver are equally if not more vulnerable to burnout as those who are in the helping professions. Caregiver burnout: not just a sporadic weekend of feeling overwhelmed and overtired, but an unrelenting fatigue and emotional exhaustion which forces hundreds of people to take extended periods of time off work. Preventing this emotional and physical collapse is essential in order to remain effective in helping your loved one and saving your own sanity (literally).

A myriad of self-help books sit on today's store shelves offering endless suggestions on how to tame stress and avert going head to head with the 'burn-out boogey man'. One of the most innovative solutions is creativity. A few trailblazers in the field of psychology and body/mind medicine have discovered its rich benefits and widely encourage its application.

But I'm not creative! I can't paint or write or sing.

Create: (v.) To cause to come into being. (Webster's Universal College Dictionary)

A healthy life is a creative life. But what exactly do I mean by 'creative'? To many of us, creativity is reserved for the artistically gifted and refers to skill and talent.

In reality, to live a creative life means to engage in a way of being that involves including activities in your life that you truly cherish which allow a sense of adventure and newness to emerge. The coveted activity can take the form of almost anything. If it's new, it's creative.

"It is not virtuosity…it is the love of something, having so much love for   something - that all that can be done with the overflow is to create"  - Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D., author of Women Who Run With The Wolves)

I call it ‘casual creativity’. ‘Casual creativity’ is not about skill or talent, quality or quantity. It’s about engaging in meaningful expression.

Perhaps it's tinkering with a carburetor; walking in a new area rather than your tried and true route. Maybe it's joining a community choir; learning Spanish; or simply smelling the fresh earth while you garden. As long as it has personal significance, the activity holds a wealth of healthy benefits.

Healing Effects of Creativity

"Creative ability is our most valuable asset, for it gives outwardly and it feeds inwardly at every level: psychic, spiritual mental, emotive and economic." - Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D., author of Women Who Run With The Wolves

The more we feed our soul, the more we can feed others. Bernie Siegel, M.D. and author of Love, Medicine and Miracles, issues 'creativity prescriptions' to his patients. "Every single day it is critical that (we) create something,"¹ he emphasizes. The very act of creating something, anything, is healing.

How Does Creativity Work?

In Dr. Lissa Rankin’s book, Mind Over Medicine, she cites scientific research illustrating “creative expression releases endorphins and other feel-good neurotransmitters, reduces depression and anxiety, improves your immune function, relieves physical pain ,and activates the parasympathetic nervous system, thereby lowering your heart rate, decreasing your blood pressure, slowing down your breathing, and lowering cortisol.” More or less, studies show creative expression elicits change in every cell. It creates what Dr. Michael Samuels, M.D., author of Creative Healing calls, "a healing physiology"². It shifts our body/mind from a state of unhealthy stress to a state of "profound relaxation." Dr. Rankin points out “The body can only repair itself when the body is in a state of physiological rest.”³ Therefore, creativity is the perfect medium to enhance healing.

A combination of audio/visual/ and motor skills has stronger positive influence than using any in isolation. Painting while actually observing a flower filled garden with a favourite musical piece playing in the background has a more powerful healing effect than just listening to music alone.

 How Can Caregivers Benefit?

Creative expression is meditative in nature, inviting us to quiet and reflect upon our own needs. Something caregivers habitually forget to do. The very act asks us to put aside time for ourselves, in turn giving us a break from the stresses of the outside world and inviting us to regain balance.

Walking in a park or fixing the toaster shifts our focus, albeit temporarily, from the heaviness of life to the something more manageable and often more beautiful. It primes the ground for shifts in self and global perception to take place, fostering hope and optimism. Indispensable traits for family members of someone with a mental illness. Additional results include increased physical stamina, emotional stability and the power to face adversity with confidence. These too are crucial qualities that enhance resilience and effectiveness, and prevent potentially incapacitating burnout.

 Just Do It!

It matters little if the chosen act of creativity is a stolen ten minutes of journaling or doodling or an entire afternoon put aside for sketching. What is important is that we carve out some time, any time, to do what brings us joy and comfort. It is this deep conversation with ourselves, this honoring and harvesting of what comes from within, that is so profoundly preventive and healing in nature.

"Imagination is more important that knowledge." - Albert Einstein

(Disclaimer: Creativity alone is not nor should be considered a 'cure all'. However, it can be a potent addition to a personal preventative healthcare kit.)

References:

1. Love, Medicine & Miracles – Dr. Bernie Seigel (http://www.amazon.ca/Love-Medicine-Miracles-Bernie-Siegel/dp/0060... )

2. Creative Healing – Dr. Michael Samuels (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uca2bnxlXJU )

3. Mind Over Medicine by Dr. Lissa Rankin (http://mindovermedicinebook.com/read-the-book/ )

 © 2014 Victoria Maxwell

Photos: Pixabay (License - CC0 Public Domain; Matches: Raedon; Paint Brush: weinstock

There are several theories as to how and why sex addiction develops. Some say that early traumatic relationships in infancy or childhood create an intimacy disorder in the individual, which then manifests later in life as high-risk behavior, sexual compulsions, infidelity or an obsession with porn. Others describe it as a coping mechanism, a way of altering one's mood, akin to drugs or alcohol. Over the course of the disease, the addict's need for a "fix" escalates, requiring more potent sexual and emotional experiences.

Whatever its origin, sex addiction takes a heavy toll on not just the addict, but on all those with whom he or she has formed close relationships. As the addict enters recovery, stops their sexually destructive behaviors and begins to work through personal trauma with an experienced therapist, it soon becomes glaringly apparent that the relationship between the addict and his or her partner is also in need of significant repair. Strategy meetings with the couple is thus needed early on in the process so as to assist the partner with his or her traumatic reactions, and to provide resources for the partner and educate him or her about the addict's recovery. It is essential that the partner be made aware of the addict's treatment plan, which should include individual therapy and support group attendance.

Since trust within the partnership has been all but permanently shattered, it is of paramount importance that the healing process be handled in a way that does not cause additional harm to either party. Initially, the recovering addict may experience one of two extremes -- either an overwhelming impulse to blurt out every lie, indiscretion or betrayal as proof of his or her willingness to change without regard for timing or setting; or a complete aversion to disclosing any details about the past and its devastating activities.

Sometimes the addict practices what is called "staggered disclosure," releasing just enough information to overwhelm and confuse the partner, but ultimately failing to answer the partner's most important questions and concerns. None of these paths will ensure a stable future for the couple, however. While some form of disclosure is necessary -- Authors Corley and Schneider reported in their book Disclosing Secrets that 93 percent of surveyed partners favored full disclosure for rebuilding intimacy -- it must be accomplished in a highly controlled environment within certain guidelines that honor both partners' needs on their journey towards reconciliation. Most therapists suggest that full disclosure occur around three to six months into the couple's recovery process depending on the individual's and couple's needs. The addict is instructed to prepare by writing out their secrets and lies in timeline fashion to review with their individual therapist before facing the partner in person. The partner is instructed by his or her individual therapist to prepare by making a list of what he or she specifically would like to know including "deal breakers" for continuing in the marriage. This list is then given to the addict so that he or she may include it in the final disclosure statement.

While the addict was actively engaging in his or her sex addiction, he or she likely went to great lengths to maintain secrecy around phone calls, texts, emails and whereabouts, therefore transparency and communication are the keys to a new, mutually respectful relationship dynamic. During the disclosure process, the partner gets to express his or her own experience and feelings, giving the addict the opportunity to exhibit remorse and empathy, and to better understand the effects of his or her disease on others. Under the right circumstances, this process can lead to a profound catharsis for both parties, opening up avenues for intimacy that may not even have existed before the addict's transgressions.

To summarize, full disclosure is not something to attempt half-heartedly or informally. It is not something to wing on a whim. Rather, it is the construction of a powerful, sturdy bridge that can lead to a stronger bond and rock-solid trust -- provided the addict remains fearless in his or her desire to make sincere amends.

Sign up here to receive free Daily Meditations by email written by Alexandra Katehakis and Tom Bliss of Center for Healthy Sex to help you develop sexual and emotional intimacy.

By Mary-Catherine McClain

I can remember telling my ninth grade teacher that I wanted to become a psychologist. Today, I can truly say I did it. Graduating from Wofford College with a Bachelor's in psychology, completing my Masters and Educational Specialist degrees as well as a Doctorate degree from Florida State University, finishing my pre-doctoral residency at Johns Hopkins University, and beginning my post-doctoral fellowship at the University of Georgia have all provided meaning and growth during this journey. I feel free; free from deadlines, free from fear of failure or being an impostor, and free from not reaching the light at the end of the tunnel. Although there will be more obstacles, more times where I will experience self-doubt, more professional tests, and other life challenges, I have developed a new mind-set where I can live and enjoy the present moment rather than focusing on future uncertainties and anxieties of the unknown.

Although I would complete this entire process all over again and repeat it in a heartbeat, there are several life lessons that I learned along the way. I hope that these lessons and insights can ease the journey of others pursuing higher education, whether in medicine, law, health, or any other discipline.

My Top 10 Valuable Lessons Learned:

1) Failure will happen. It's normal, human, and part of the process. PhDs would only take 1 year if some curve balls weren't thrown during the journey. You may feel like quitting and like you aren't making meaningful contributions, but you are. Look at the bigger picture and realize that failures build character, strength, passion, and determination. You will be better equipped going forward if you fail a couple of times. Graduate school also taught me that it is OK to say I don't know to a question.

2) Call home and use your support system. Remember, you don't have to carry the burden alone and that you have loved ones who want to help you. Just because you are in "graduate school" doesn't mean that you stop being a son/daughter, sibling, or friend. You will feel better if you let others in and allow others to encourage and support you, whether emotionally, financially, spiritually, or socially. Likewise, graduate school taught me how to develop thicker skin, how to learn from criticism, and to realize that everyone has their own "life stuff."

3) Pursue things outside of your research project. To maintain focus, motivation, and energy, it is crucial that you do things outside of the lab - whether exercising, volunteering, dating, networking, traveling, or attending concerts. Pick up a new hobby, such as cooking or scrapbooking. While you may finish school earlier if you only focus on research and academics, you will be lonely and missing out on other significant life events.

4) If you want to lift up yourself, you must lift up someone else. Give back and pay it forward to graduate students who are behind you in the program. Take someone out to lunch, collaborate on research projects, publish with other peers, and advocate in the community for what you are most passionate about.

5) Be flexible and maintain an open-mind. Take advantage of opportunities and be willing to change plans or research topics when necessary. On the other hand, know that is is OK to say no to extra projects and that you have every right to say no.

6) Engage in regular self-care. Listen to your body. If you don't feel good, make en appointment with your physician. Don't delay your health needs. Life happens so fast, and if you don't stop, you will miss it. Eat balanced meals, sleep 8 hours, exercise, schedule a massage, buy a pet, journal, watch TV, talk to friends, listen to music, etc. Do not pull all-nighters. To reach your goals, you must re-fuel your body and your mind. Think about short-term rewards and short-term consequences versus long-term rewards and long-term consequences. Taking a day off in the short-term may feel terrible or uncomfortable, but in the long run, it will only help you! You need your mind and body to make it! Ask yourself if this decision, event, or task will matter in 5 weeks, 5 months, or 5 years out.

7) Having a degree does not make you educated or an expert. You will need to continually attend professional development seminars, workshops, and events. Don't be afraid to consult, ask questions, and talk with your supervisor. The literature will always be updated, and it's important to keep on top of the latest research and policies. You cannot control others, you can only control your own behaviors, thoughts, and reactions.

8) Take the mountain one step at a time. You only need to see the first stair to eventually reach the top of the stair case. Every paper, every class, every practicum site, every exam, every meeting, every conversation will get you one step closer to the end. All successful people have taken these same baby steps. Short-cuts or easy paths just don't exist. Try to re-frame that as part of the challenge that is exciting and fun! Don't forget to ask yourself what you started in the first place and focus on that piece of it. In reality, these 5-7 years are only a small piece of hopefully a very long lifespan.

9) You are in graduate school and that is living. Just because you are not married or don't have children, doesn't mean that you are falling behind or are inadequate. it just means that every one has different priorities and preferences. Everyone has a unique life journey and story. Every life stage and season has a purpose and is important. Enjoy the present and don't long for the future. Society often sends the message that you should have everything now, but delayed gratification is a real and important thing. Remind yourself that few things will happen immediately and instantly in graduate school.

10) Be you. Be kind. Be gentle. Practice self-compassion and self-love. Take risks and remember to breathe. Sometimes, the only thing you need to do in a day is breathe, and that in itself is success. Finally, remember that this time in your life is a privilege.

Mary-Catherine McClain is a post-doctoral fellow at the University of Georgia Counseling Center. 

As a psychologist and parent coach, I work with many parents who are feeling stuck. This feeling takes many forms: stuck in a cycle of yelling (often following by guilt), stuck in a dynamic of whining or tantrums, stuck in a pattern of misunderstanding and emotional distancing.

Almost all of these parents are acutely aware of their situation and, in most cases, have read at least one parenting book with the goal of resolving the issue. These parents know what the issue is and they have sought out some guidance about how to address it. Despite this, they still feel stuck.

Why? Often, the answer to why we continue to feel stuck lies in the difference between knowing and doing.

The difference between knowing and doing is a critical one. While we generally cannot “do” without first knowing how, if we know but do not act on what we know, then change will not happen.

All of us have experienced examples of this: we know we shouldn’t eat a carton of ice cream, but we do it anyway. We know we should exercise regularly, but we don’t. We know we shouldn’t yell at our kids, but we do.

One of the keys to creating positive change in our lives is not just knowing what to do, but in actually doing what we know.

Doing what we know takes effort and practice. It is not easy, for example, to get up and go exercise when we really don’t feel like doing it. It’s definitely not easy to stop ourselves from yelling at our kids when they ignore us or disrespect us.

We know it’s the right thing to do, but it’s difficult to actually bring ourselves to do it (or not to do it). Sometimes this is because we don’t know exactly how to do what we know, and sometimes it’s because we aren’t taking the final step into action.

Ultimately, we need to know “what” to do, we need to know “how” to do it, and then we need to actually “do” what we know. This is the three-step recipe for change.

So if you find yourself feeling stuck, whether in your parenting life or elsewhere, ask yourself these questions to pinpoint where you need to focus:

1. Knowing What: Is this an issue of not knowing what to do?
2. Knowing How: Is this happening because I don’t yet know how to do something?
3. Doing: Am I feeling stuck because I know what to do and how to do it, but I’m not yet putting that knowledge into practice?

In this new blog, What Great Parents Do, I’ll be focusing on all three of these steps for creating positive change in common parenting challenges. Thanks for joining me.

© Erica Reischer, Ph.D. 2014.

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. —GK Chesterton

‘Gratitude’ derives from the Latin ‘gratia’, which, depending on the context, translates as ‘grace’, ‘graciousness’, or ‘gratefulness’.

Gratitude never came easily to us human beings, and is a diminishing virtue in modern times. In our consumerist society, we focus on what we lack, or what other people have that we don’t, whereas gratitude is the feeling of appreciation for that which we already have.

It is the recognition that the good in our life can come from something that is outside us and outside our control—be it other people, nature, or a higher power—and that owes little or nothing to us.

Gratitude is not a technique or a stratagem, but a complex and refined moral disposition. It has poetically been defined as ‘the memory of the heart’ (Jean Massieu), ‘the moral memory of mankind’ (Georg Simmel), and ‘the queen of the virtues’ (Cicero).

It is easy, both for the beneficiary and the benefactor, to mistake gratitude for indebtedness. Indebtedness is a much more contained and restricted obligation (or perceived obligation) on the part of the beneficiary to recompense or otherwise compensate the benefactor, not because recompense is a pleasure, but because obligation is a pain. Unlike gratitude, indebtedness can lead the beneficiary to avoid and even resent the benefactor.

Gratitude should also be distinguished from appreciation, which is the recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of a person or thing.

Gratitude is magnified if the conferred benefit is unexpected, or if the benefactor is of a higher social status than the beneficiary. If a benefit comes to be expected, both it and the benefactor tend to be taken for granted by the beneficiary—a common feature of tired relationships.

Gratitude is also magnified if, in benefiting us, the benefactor touched or moved our feelings. Without being moved, we are apt to respond to the benefactor not so much with gratitude as with mere appreciation. Thus, the teachers whom we best remember are not, in general, those who taught us well, but those who inspired us and opened us up to ourselves.

In paying homage to something that is outside us, gratitude enables us to connect with something that is not only larger than ourselves but also fundamentally good and reassuring. It opens our eyes to the miracle that is life, something to marvel at, revel in, and celebrate, rather than ignore or take for granted as it flies us by. It encourages and heightens life-enhancing states such as joy, tranquility, consciousness, enthusiasm, and empathy, while inhibiting painful emotions such as anxiety, heartbreak, loneliness, regret, and envy, with which it is fundamentally incompatible.

All this it does because it opens up a bigger and better perspective, shifting our focus from what we lack or strive for to what we already have, to all that we have been given, not least life itself, which is the fount of all opportunity and possibility. By turning us to the outside, gratitude enables us to live not merely for ourselves but for life at large. For just this reason, Cicero described it as the greatest virtue, and, greater still, the parent of all the other virtues.

Today, science is in the process of catching up with Cicero. Studies have linked gratitude with increased satisfaction, motivation, and energy; better sleep and health; and reduced stress and sadness. Grateful people interact more profoundly with their environment, leading to greater personal growth and self-acceptance, and stronger feelings of purpose, meaning, and specialness.

Gratitude also connects us into a mutually supportive and sustaining web of relationships, which it acts to strengthen and expand. It is the foundation of the type of society in which people can look after one another without coercion, incentives, or governmental interference, which, unlike gratitude, leave a bitter taste in the mouth.

Gratitude can be for future benefits as well as past and present benefits. Gratitude for future benefits promotes optimism, and optimism promotes faith. Both Western and Eastern religious traditions emphasize gratitude. In many Christian traditions, the most important rite is the Holy Communion or Eucharist—a term which derives from ‘eucharistia’, Greek for ‘thanksgiving’. Martin Luther himself spoke of gratitude as ‘the basic Christian attitude’. More than a mere feeling, Christian gratitude is a virtue, or disposition of the soul, that shapes our thoughts, feelings, and actions, and that is developed, refined, and exercised through a remembered relationship with God and His creation.

In contrast, ingratitude on the part of a beneficiary is hurtful, because it negates the efforts and sacrifices of the benefactor, thereby diminishing him or her, and, more than that, diminishing life itself. In Shakespeare’s King Lear, Lear says,

Ingratitude, thou marble-hearted fiend,

More hideous when thou show’st thee in a child

Than the sea-monster!

…

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is

To have a thankless child.

For philosopher David Hume, ingratitude is ‘the most horrible and unnatural crime that a person is capable of committing’. For philosopher Immanuel Kant, it is, quite simply, ‘the essence of vileness’.

Ingratitude, which, of course, has become the norm in modern societies, corrodes social bonds and undermines public trust, leading to societies built on rights and entitlements rather than duties and obligations, societies built on me rather than us, and in which every aspect of human life has to be regulated, monitored, and managed.

Despite the great and many benefits that it confers, gratitude is hard to cultivate, because it opposes itself to deeply ingrained human traits, in particular, our striving to better our lot, our need to feel in control of our destiny, our propensity to credit ourselves for our successes while blaming others for our failures, and our belief in some sort of cosmic equality or justice. 

Since human nature does not leave much place for it, gratitude is an attainment associated with emotional maturity—which is why children taught to parrot ‘thank you’ never really mean it. Conversely, many grown-ups express gratitude, or a semblance of gratitude, simply because doing so is useful or the ‘done thing’. Expressing gratitude is good manners, and good manners aim at aping wisdom when wisdom is lacking.

True gratitude, in contrast, is a rare virtue. There is a fable in Aesop about a slave who pulls a thorn out of the paw of a lion. Some time later, the slave and the lion are captured, and the slave is thrown to the lion. The hungry lion rushes bounding and roaring toward the slave, but, upon recognizing his friend, he fawns upon him and licks his hands like a friendly dog. ‘Gratitude’, Aesop concludes, ‘is the sign of noble souls’. 

Like all virtues, gratitude requires great cultivation, until such a day as we can say,  

‘Thank you for nothing.’

Neel Burton is author of Hide and Seek: The Psychology of Self-Deception, The Art of Failure: The Anti Self-Help Guide, and other books.

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