Parental alienation is essentially the forced removal of a child from the life of a parent, and the forced removal of a parent from the life of a child. It has two principal components: a planned strategy on the part of an alienator to effect such an estrangement, and severe negative consequences to the physical, emotional, social and spiritual well-being, and safety of both the target parent and child.

The effects of parental alienation on children are profound, and include deep sadness and depression, leading to lingering feelings of low self-worth; disrupted social-emotional development, including withdrawal, isolation, and social anxiety; low self-sufficiency and a sense of learned helplessness; diminished cognitive functioning and poor academic achievement, which seriously disrupts their future life chances; and poor impulse control, along with future struggles with mental health, addiction and self-harm.

One of the more dire consequences of parental alienation is a feeling of self-hatred on the part of a child. The alienator seeks not only to estrange children and their parents, but to cause the child to turn his or her heart and mind against the parent, and this hatred leads to a profound sense of guilt and, ultimately, self-hatred.

Hatred of a parent is not an emotion that comes naturally to children. Although children suffer acutely the absence of a parent removed from their lives through alienation in the short-term, over time, the demonization of the parent by the alienator is internalized by the child, and emotional rejection and hatred are the result. This is one of the lesser-known consequences of parental alienation.

The tactics of alienating parents in high conflict divorce situations, involving a set of abusive strategies to foster the child’s rejection of the other parent, whereby children are manipulated by one parent to reject the other, are now well-known. It behooves us to ask whether the demonization tactics against migrant parents at the border, in the eyes of the child, constitute actions that similarly turns children’s hearts and minds against their parents. For the child, parental alienation is a significant mental disturbance, based on a false belief that the alienated parent is a dangerous and unworthy parent.

Just as in divorce situations a loving parent with no history of abuse is labeled as dangerous, abusive, and unworthy to be a parent by the alienating parent, and is removed from the child’s day-to-day life by court decree, so parents with no criminal history fleeing war-torn countries, extreme poverty, drug cartels and gang violence are labeled as criminals, and removed from their children’s lives by government policy and judicial fiat. In both cases, the alienator feels completely justified in the belief that he or she is doing the right thing, protecting children from a criminal or abusive parent. Over time, such demonization takes hold of the child, and hatred toward the parent is the result.

Another parallel between these two forms of parental alienation—alienation by a parent toward the other in divorce situations, and alienation by government officials toward migrant parents at the border—is the “bystander effect,” in which an attitude of passivity, indifference and apathy underlies people’s refusal to get involved or offer assistance. Failure to respond allows the alienation to continue. If it is determined that others are not reacting to the situation, bystanders will interpret the situation as not an emergency and will not intervene, an example of pluralistic ignorance; thankfully, in the case of border separations, mounting public pressure has resulted in the presidential order to end family separations.

In regard to both types of parental alienation, the system is the main problem; that is, the roots of alienation lie primarily in the adversarial nature of legal determination of parenting after divorce, and in the hostile nature of handling migrant parents at the border. Parents are set up to fight in an effort to win primary residence or custody of their children, and the system rewards those skilled in adversarial combat. Similarly, politicians and government agents exercise their authority with impunity, acting as though parents and their children have little or no rights. The saying, “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” holds true in both situations. The removal of fit and loving parents as caregivers robs children of their parents’ routine care and nurture, during very stressful times in their lives, and removes the responsibility of parents to protect their children.

I have long believed that the failure to act to protect children and parents of divorce who are alienated from each other will lead down a slippery slope where other forms of parental alienation will take root. This appears to have happened in the case of migrant families at the border; what would have previously been considered unacceptable and an overreach of government authority in the past somehow became established as a routine government policy.

No matter its stripe, parental alienation is a serious form of child and parent abuse, and parental alienators, whether parents or government agents, represent a persistent danger to the lives of children. The public outrage and professional consensus about the harms of separating children from their parents at the border and placement of young children in detention centers should be extended to all forms of parental alienation. We must declare that “time’s up” for all alienators and immediately restore loving parents’ rightful place in the lives of their children in all situations of parental alienation.

Source: istock/bluebeat76

​​​​Egg donation is a concept many of us may not understand, and our high school biology class may not have been thorough. Let’s review the facts from fiction with a little help from Lissa Kline, LCSW and Director of Member Services at Progyny.

Fiction #1: Receiving genetic material from someone else to have a baby is not natural.
The Fact: Every single woman who was ever pregnant received genetic material donated by someone else – a male!! If a woman uses donor egg, it’s a "double donation". According to Kline, “I’ve worked with women and men for years who explored the use of donor tissue to build or complete their families.  So many couples end up utilizing donor eggs or sperm for various reasons and while it may seem ‘unnatural’ before you start exploring it yourself, you’ll quickly learn how common it really is!”

Fiction #2: A donated egg is carrying the donor’s own characteristics.
The Fact:  Every egg, like every sperm, carries genetic material from the donor’s entire gene pool (parents, grandparents, great aunts and uncles, and relatives they never met or have even heard about). People tend to worry that if they use donor egg or sperm, the child won’t resemble the parents. In fact, the chances of the child resembling the partner in the relationship (not the donor), will be the same chances of the child resembling the donor. While this may worry some, Kline said, “From all the partners I’ve worked with, they all say people tell them how much their child looks like them – and never mentions the donor. Some people find it helpful to talk about the donor as a contributor to their family building and I’ve had patients tell me it helped them to think of the donor as someone who was assisting them, just as their doctors and nurses were.” Kline added, “The whole nature versus nurture idea also helps here to remind us that biology is not destiny – so much of who we become as people are shaped by our environments.  Remember, to some extent, you will have control over what your children are exposed to in terms of their education and family upbringing!”

Fiction #3: The donor’s fertilized egg is immediately placed in the recipient’s uterus.
The Fact: Although the procedure is called “egg donation”, the recipient does not receive someone’s egg in her uterus. The egg and sperm meld their genetic material in the petri dish during ovum donation (instead of the fallopian tube) and the combined material duplicates itself and creates two new cells with the same genetic instructions. The material duplicates again, and now there are four cells, and so forth. Soon there will be a ball of many cells — the beginning of an embryo. When the ball, called a blastocyst, is big enough for implantation, it’s placed in the uterus, just as if it traveled from the fallopian tube to the uterus. “I think it’s really great to point out that all patients have an embryo, not a "donor egg” placed in the uterus! In vivo fertilization (in the body via intercourse or IUI) and in vitro fertilization (including ovum donation) really have the same outcome,” explained Kline.

Fiction #4:  The pregnant recipient is mainly an incubator, or good environment, for the baby.
The Fact: Not even close!  As the embryo grows, every cell in the baby’s body is being developed by pregnant mother’s body. The fetus will use the pregnant woman’s protein, sugars, calcium, vitamins, minerals, and fluids to build muscles, bones, nerve cells, and organs. The shape of the baby’s earlobe may have been genetically programmed by the donor’s great, great, grandfather, or the male partner’s (or even sperm donor’s) grandmother’s aunt, but the earlobe itself, and the rest of the baby, grew from the pregnant woman’s body. She may not be a genetic donor but carrying the child makes her the child’s biological mother. Kline said, “I love this explanation so much, Dr. Witkin, because I think a lot of the initial uncertainty around choosing donor tissue stems from the feeling that you aren’t involved in the development and growth of the baby. You are! You will deliver the baby and your body will nourish the baby. Ultimately, being a parent isn’t defined by genetics and egg donation is no different.”

Again, there is no wrong way to have a child – whether you need donor tissue – such as egg or sperm, a surrogate, IVF, or adoption. In the end, it’s your child and you just might need some help to there. How you raise the child will ultimately be up to you.

Growing up, certain memories and experiences make an indelible impression. From the smell of your mother's cookies to the shirt you wore for your fourth grade pictures. Memories can be a captivatingly sweet time capsule to your past. 

But what about those early, painful memories? How do they linger on in your present day? Like the time your crush picked you last for the soccer team during recess, or when a classmate whispered a hurtful insult about your weight. 

Body Shame Can Live For Years

I can attest to the way body shame can echo for years in your mind. A personal early memory of body shaming still stings, twenty years later.

I was sitting outside waiting for my mom to pick me up after basketball practice, drinking a diet cola. An older boy walked by and said, "With those thighs I can see why you’re drinking diet soda."

I sat there all alone, speechless.

When my mom picked me up I didn't mention the body insult. The shame of that small moment felt so paralyzing that I couldn't even talk about it. 

For some, this may seem like a relatively harmless memory. For me, I can still feel the hot embarrassment I felt creep into my cheeks that day. 

Research Shows That Shame Memories Impact Binge Eating

Research shows that early body shame experiences can significantly affect your present day body image. Memories of body criticism can get lodged deep inside and even drive binge eating.

For example, a 2017 study correlated body shame memories with the level of binge eating severity in those diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder. This points to body shame as at least a contributor to binge eating.  

Early body criticism can feel painful and even traumatic. We know that trauma can reoccur in the form of overt flashbacks and countless other physical and mental symptoms.

It stands to reason then, that early body shame memories could be acting like small traumas that continue to flicker in one's mind, causing a nagging pain. 

This low grade pain could certainly shape a person's body image in the present. Additionally, flashbacks of body embarrassment hurt in real-time, making a person vulnerable to using food as a way to calm, distract from, and numb the pain.

The best way to conquer the lingering effects of body shame is to confront the memories and release them. 

How to Release Body Shame

In my coaching work, I've found that shame release exercises can help to heal decades-long shame bruises.

A shame release exercise that is very empowering is to role play and defend. This involves going back to a body shame experience and reinserting yourself into the memory so you can defend yourself to your bully. 

When you're being criticized or attacked, it's difficult to defend yourself well. However, after years of thinking about the encounter you have new strength and perspective to fight back. The exercise can work either by speaking out loud or writing down your defense.

Defend yourself from the unfair and hurtful words. Allow yourself to feel angry and afraid. Channel the emotions of the old memory and use your new present-day power to move through it. 

The result is often a feeling of relief, liberation, and renewed power. It can be surprising how much a distant memory can be weighing you down. 

Start With Acknowledgement

Body shame is one of the most painful experiences a person can endure, especially as a young woman. Don't discount your pain even if it occurred far in your past. Painful memories remain vivid through time, causing real pain. 

Acknowledging that the shame exists is often the hardest part. Locating the shrapnel of body shaming is tough work, even as an adult. Then, excising the memory takes courage and patience.

I highly recommend seeking the help of a trained professional in the area of self-esteem, body image, and trauma. 

Though it might feel uncomfortable to dredge up past pains over your body, know that it is almost always transformative.

Even 20 years after being teased over my big thighs and Diet Coke, defending myself and releasing the shame makes me feel strong and brave.

Source: mohamed_hassan

A recent study on male police recruits found that police officers are more likely to have psychopathic traits.¹

The study’s authors, Falkenbach and colleagues, begin by asking the reader:

“How might one describe a person who personifies traits such as superficial charm, callousness, coldness, grandiosity, and calculated behavior; indulges in substance abuse and adventure-seeking to stave off boredom; conceals evidence and lies to the police; and is marked by detachment from others and a narcissistic display of intellect?”

Some people would refer to such a person as immoral. Some, as a psychopath. And those who enjoy reading fiction, might label such a person a villain.

But surprisingly, Falkenbach et al suggest that this description also applies to one of the greatest heroes in all literature. To Sherlock Holmes.

Readers of Arthur Conan Doyle’s detective fiction may agree that Holmes displays a number of psychopathic traits, such as narcissism, coldness, and the tendency to get bored easily.

And as fans of BBC's Sherlock TV series recall, Sherlock himself once said, “I'm not a psychopath...I'm a high-functioning sociopath.” Holmes could have also said that he is a successful psychopath, the kind whose psyhopathy is more socially and culturally adaptive and less likely to be channeled into criminal behaviors.²

Source: OpenClipart-Vectors/Pixabay (modifications: Arash Emamzadeh)

But could the line between villainy and heroism really be that thin? It can be. The authors point to a well-known real life rivalry in 1960s, one between detective Chuck Adamson and the notorious criminal Neil McCauley:

“These two men, pitted on opposite sides of the law, shared a professional fascination with one another and even once met and discussed their parallel traits, including their longstanding detachment from others.”

This relationship was depicted in the 1995 movie Heat, with Robert De Niro playing McCauley, and Al Pacino playing Adamson.

Fearlessness and psychopathy

Psychopathy is often understood to have several higher-order dimensions. Based on a popular self-report psychopathy personality test—The Psychopathic Personality Inventory-Revised (PPI-R)—these dimensions include the following: Self-centered Impulsivity, Coldheartedness, and Fearless Dominance.³

The first tem, Self-centered Impulsivity, is associated with impulsiveness, aggressiveness, and egocentricity. Coldheartedness is related to the inability to experience important social emotions like love or remorse.

Source: parameciorecordsPixabay

The last term, Fearless Dominance, which is associated with fearlessness and social dominance, is perhaps the most curious of the three because it has  sometimes been implicated in socially adaptive behaviors―even acts of heroism.⁴

The authors of the present study note that “Hallmarks of the law enforcement profession, such as heroism, risk-taking, and authority/power...make it conceivable that certain psychopathic traits predispose individuals” to consider joining the police force.¹

The study

To check this assumption empirically, Falkenbach et al conducted a study on 679 male police recruits from a metropolitan city police force. The participants were aged 21 to 40 years. They were 62% Cuacasian, 20% Hispanic/Latino, 9% African American, 8% Asian/Pacific Islander, and 1% other.

For comparison purposes, the researchers also used three other samples: 96 male undergraduate, 172 age-matched men from the community and other colleges, and 98 aged-matched men from an offender sample at a pre-release facility.

The measures used in the study included the Psychopathic Personality Inventory-Revised and the Narcissistic Personality Inventory.

The results showed that, in comparison with other samples, the police officers had significantly lower scores on Self-centered Impulsivity, but higher scores on Fearless Dominance and Coldheartedness.

Source: parameciorecords/Pixabay

These findings illustrate that police officers are more likely to possess those components of psychopathy associated with successful or socially adaptive psychopathy. Specifically, fearlessness can help the officers handle high-risk and dangerous situations.

And the right level of coldheartedness allows officers to deal with criminals effectively, meaning that officers can do their job without feeling a high level of emotional involvement (which might result in a loss of composure).

I would like to end this article by repeating a clarification offered by Falkenbach and colleagues twice in their paper, that the authors’ goal has been to reach a better understanding of the role of psychopathic traits in police officers, and not to suggest that police officers are psychopaths.

Peter wants to stop his back pain.  He’s paid for expensive physiotherapy, but somehow never finds the time to do his exercises.

Suzie is constantly frustrated by her inability to quit smoking.  She joins the other smokers outside on every lunch break.

Sanjiv wants to address his tendency to ruminate as he knows it contributes to his depression.  He knows that he feels better when he sees his friends, and yet he ignores their calls.

Source: Geralt/Pixabay. CCO Creative Commons

If these scenarios sound familiar, you are not alone: At times we all behave in ways we’d like to change.   Even when we know what we should do instead, most of us struggle to make and sustain positive changes.

Change is really really hard. Were it easy, there would be no demand for the ten billion dollar self-help industry offering quick fixes. 

But why on earth is it so difficult? Just what is going on? Typically, we procrastinate or start but fail to sustain change after a couple of days, and then berate ourselves for not sticking to our resolutions...

A crucial, but usually overlooked, factor is that all behaviour -- even when apparently undesirable on the surface -- makes sense and performs some useful function given our current view of the world. Our ‘bad’ behaviour is good for us in some way. Attempts to change a behaviour, without an awareness of its real role in our lives, leave us with a gap in our toolset for coping with the world.  Thus we tend to revert to the status quo.

Let’s look at what Peter, Suzie and Sanjiv might be getting from their unwanted behaviours.

Peter’s back pain may get him attention and care.  It might make him feel special or give him something to talk about.  It might give him excuses to avoid work or certain activities and responsibilities.

Suzie’s smoking may give her a sense of community with other smokers, or support her identity as a rebel.  It may also be the only way to get a break from work.

Sanjiv’s depression may protect his self-esteem by giving him an ‘excuse’ for not achieving, or it may have become central to his identity.  He may feel that ruminating is helpful and ‘doing something useful’, or it may protect him from really facing his role in his problems.

Source: JohnHain/Pixabay. CCO Creative Commons

Looked at in this way, it’s easy to see that changing behaviour ‘for the better’ - through improved health, stopping smoking, or reducing rumination -  could in fact open Peter, Suzie and Sanjiv up to the expectation of ‘personal threats’ such as the loss of attention, or community or identity. No wonder we resist change...

How then can we move forward? 

Understanding why we function the way we do is a start. 

As children we develop our own individual idiosyncratic ways of understanding the world, and what is required of us. One key idea from psychologist Albert Adler was that whilst children are excellent observers, they are poor interpreters, and make mistakes in understanding how best to get what we want.  However, these mistaken beliefs and goals come to form the basis for our actions, just as our more reasonable conclusions do.

Peter may have concluded he needs to be ill to be valued, or that he must be perfect - and thus needs an excuse to explain why he isn’t. For Suzie, smoking may been how she showed she was ‘cool’ or different to others in her strict family, whilst Sanjiv may have learnt to use rumination to block more difficult feelings.

Such beliefs led to behaviour that served them well at some point, but now creates resistance to moving to more objectively positive and constructive behaviours.  If we want real behavioural change, we need to modify underlying beliefs, and find better ways to satisfy our needs.

It’s not always easy to do this psychological work alone, as what seems reasonable to us depends on our existing beliefs, so can be self-justifying. Therefore a therapist may be needed to help unpick deep-seated beliefs. 

However, the following sort of questions may get us started… 

- Do I really want to make the change I say I want to? I.e. what am I attached to in my current behaviour.

- What are my fears if I make this change? What will I lose or open myself up to?

- Do I (honestly) want to make the effort required to make this change?

Sometimes, with a little introspection we realise that the goal of a behaviour is completely misguided making it easier to drop, and psychologically more difficult to maintain.  For example, Peter might realise ‘it’s ridiculous to think I need to be ill to be valued’. Or we might realise that although we’ve paid lip-service to wanting to change, it’s actually not the priority right now.

At other times, by focusing on barriers to change, or fears if we do change, we reveal something about the motivations and role of the behaviour we wish to change. We can then begin to identify better ways of achieving goals such as getting attention or being accepted or building self esteem.

Source: Geralt/Pixabay. CCO Creative Commons

Focusing on adding more constructive ‘replacement’ behaviours, is often the key to reducing an unwanted behaviour.  In general, moving towards an outcome is a much more successful strategy for change than moving away from something unwanted. I explore reasonable goals further in Part 2 of this three-part blog series on making change happen.

It should  be clear that changing ourselves is a complicated business, which often demands we challenge our deeply buried beliefs and reward systems.  We should be kinder to ourselves when we find it so very hard: there is rarely a quick fix. Unfortunately, we tend to beat ourselves up instead. 

To change, we have to learn how to be our own cheerleaders rather than our own bullies, which will be the focus of Part 3. We need to learn to say to ourselves: ‘come out for a lovely walk!’, not ‘get off the couch you lazy slob!’...  Being bullied (by anyone) is a recipe for reduced energy, low mood, and failure, and will not help anyone change for the better.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments, so please do join in the conversation below.

And I said to my body, softly, "I want to be your friend.
It took a long breath and replied, "I've been waiting my whole life for this."
~ Nayyirah Waheed ~

Having a positive relationship with your body is one of the most challenging and important things to master when it comes to experiencing self-love. Being able to appreciate your body, be kind to it, and be comfortable in your own skin all drives happiness and fulfilment in so many ways.

Source: Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash

Somehow, perhaps luckily, this isn't something I struggled with when I was younger (or at least don't remember struggling with). However, it's something I started to struggle with in the second part of my 20's.

Maybe it was because I felt more judged when I entered the adult world or because my stick skinny teen body had turned into somewhat foreign womanly curves. Maybe it was partly because I was in a toxic relationship where my body was mocked or because there were people in my life who continuously talked about dieting.

Either way, none of those things justified the way I treated my body or how negatively I spoke about it. I distinctly remember when I met my husband four years ago, I was barely able to accept compliments from him. I literally laughed in his face in disbelief when he called me beautiful. But he wasn't joking. He was serious. Why was it so hard for me to understand that?

The way he showered me with compliments (and still does) made me realise I had to build a more positive relationship with my body. I knew I had to start loving it and nurturing it the way he did. I wanted to have more good moments than bad ones, and more good days than bad ones. I wanted to fully love myself, inside and out.

So, for a year or two, I made it my mission to work on loving my body better. How? By following these "rules":

1. Treat exercise as a way to nourish your body, not punish it.

It's meant to keep you healthy and fit, both physically and mentally. It's not meant to be something you do because you feel you're not good enough. Find a type of exercise that works for your body and mind. Find something that gets the feel-good endorphins going and make sure it's something you really enjoy. For me, that's riding my horse, doing stretchy yin yoga or going for a walk in the park.

2. Recharge your body (and mind). 

Treat it like the sacred temple it is. Nourish it and nurture it. Take long hot baths and get regular massages. Get a good amount of sleep every night and take power naps if you can. Treat yourself to facials, manicures or some reiki - whatever works for you! It's a lot easier to feel good about yourself when you feel well rested and well cared for.

3. Smile.

Because a smile really is the most beautiful thing you can wear. It's also the best thing to wear if you want to feel good. When you smile, you release all kinds of happy hormones into your body which naturally bring your positivity up. This, in turn, fuels your confidence and self-worth, making it easier for you to see yourself in a more positive light. Really make the time to do things that make you smile, hang out with people who make you laugh, and do things that fill you with joy.

I encourage you to practice these rules of bodily self-love as much as you can. But that's not the only thing I encourage you to do. I also have one specific piece of homework I want you to do right here right now.

1. Pick up a piece of pen and paper (not your phone, iPad or laptop - I seriously mean pen and paper!).

2. Write down the numbers one to ten down the page.

3. Then finish this sentence, ten times over with a new response each time:

One thing I love about my body is...

Take your time with this. Even if it feels hard, keep doing it. You can do it. Just keep at it until you get that list done. For inspiration, here is what my list looks like today:

1. One thing I love about my body is my bold, blue eyes.

2. One thing I love about my body is my sexy, womanly curves.

3. One thing I love about my body is its ability to control a horse when I ride.

4. One thing I love about my body is my thick, luscious blond hair.

5. One thing I love about my body is its ability to hold the plank pose.

6. One thing I love about my body is its strength to push through challenges.

7. One thing I love about my body is its ability to feel deeply.

8. One thing I love about my body is its intuitive ways of telling me the truth.

9. One thing I love about my body is the way it moves when I dance.

10. One thing I love about my body is the way it recovers from a day.

Now it's your turn. Pick a quiet moment today to write down the things you love about your body. And feel free to go beyond the ten points if you want. If it's flowing then go with it. You want to be your body's friend.

To dive deeper into self-love, sign-up to the 15-day Self-Love Booster. Enrolment closes on June 24th!

Nobel Prize winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman distinguishes between the experiencing self and the remembering self. The experiencing self feels events in the present, whereas the remembering self looks back and experiences the memories of these events.  Notably, we experience events consistently and fully throughout, but we remember events primarily in terms of how they end. 

Suppose we undergo a dental procedure that proceeds uneventfully – until the end, when it finishes with five minutes of moderate pain. We then go to the dentist a second time and undergo a similar procedure, but with ten minutes of moderate pain in the middle and no pain at the end. Even though we experienced half as much pain with the first procedure, we will remember it as more painful because the pain came at the end. 

Or we go to a movie that's enjoyable and engaging throughout, except for a disappointing ending. We may later remember that movie as largely unenjoyable, even though most of our experience was favorable. In contrast, a mediocre movie with an uplifting, joyous ending may be remembered as a good time. 

Source: en.wikipedia

The same effect happens with summer vacations, college courses, and other extended events.  Shakespeare was right when he said "all’s well that ends well."  But by implication, an unwell ending means that all is not well.

Why do endings disproportionately influence our memory for an entire experience?

1) One reason is that endings can bestow meaning on an entire event, and we then remember this overall meaning. 

Suppose a man undergoes a series of medical examinations and tests for a suspicious growth. On his final visit to the doctor, he receives a diagnosis of a benign cyst. This favorable diagnosis then gives meaning to the entire experience, defining it as the normal process of checking on one's health. The remembering self may even recall the favorable ending as inevitable– despite never experiencing this inevitability during the actual examinations.  In this example, it seems sensible and healthy to focus on the happy ending, diminishing the uncertainty and anxiety of the earlier examinations and emphasizing one's good health. Nonetheless, the memory is a skewed representation of what was actually experienced. 

If a three-point-shot at the end of a close basketball game determines who wins and who loses, that shot gives the game meaning. Even though spectators probably experienced many exciting plays during the course of the game, the ending understandably becomes most prominent to the remembering self.  Similarly, a political election gains meaning from the final vote count, even though important decisions and events along the way influenced that final vote.

2) Another reason we emphasize endings is that we look to narrative art forms to structure our lives. We fit our life events into defined narrative categories.

Most movies, novels, short stories, and epic poems move toward a satisfying ending, a meaningful conclusion that resonates beyond the story. Endings are difficult to write precisely because of this obligation for narrative closure. Hemingway knew this when he wrote forty-seven different endings to A Farewell to Arms before finally choosing one.

Source: commons.wikimedia

Last impressions last.  And in art, we only get one chance to make a last impression. In life, however, we don’t have the obligation for a masterful conclusion.

3) Still another reason we emphasize endings is the myth of forever, which is often invoked with relationships and careers. When marriages end in divorce, they may be interpreted and remembered as “failed” – even if they created happy years and healthy children along the way. If someone is laid off or fired, a productive career may be tainted by the abrupt and unhappy ending. Of course, myths can be helpful in telling the stories of our lives, but the myth of forever can unnecessarily burden our remembering selves. 

Of course, we don't need to adjust memories of events with happy endings. But we can restructure memories of events with unhappy endings.  I am not advocating the denial of real consequences.  Rather, I am recommending a fuller recognition and remembrance of entire experiences.  We can do this with romantic relationships that break up, friendships that end, projects that don’t work out, jobs that terminate unexpectedly, and the normal losses that occur in all our lives.

• Life is full of middles.  Remember and highlight these middle events.  Allow yourself to grieve significant losses, but also allow yourself to reflect and appreciate the entire arc of experiences. 
• Whenever possible, re-punctuate remembered events by specifying different endings.  Choose that engrossing three-hour conversation just before your friend moved away – and not the lengthy, awkward goodbye.   
• Do not treat real life like a scripted narrative. Life events are not structured in three acts, ending in well-written conclusions. They are often messy and inconclusive – and should not be held to the exacting standards of narrative art.  Happily-ever-after happens in movies. Gracefully exiting stage left occurs in the theater. Taking a cinematic or theatrical approach to life only removes us from the actual lived events.

Source: freestockphotos

We spend time consuming our memories, so we should be educated consumers.  We do not need to succumb to over-emphasized endings. Although we can’t have tragedy with a happy ending, we can work to prevent endings from shaping our entire remembered experience.  Instead of highlighting unhappy endings, we can highlight and remember our happy middles.  Indeed, most of what happens in life occurs in the middle. The end of the story is not the story.

Source: Unsplash

Anyone can be one surgery away from developing an addiction to prescription pain medication. It’s estimated that 60% of the opioids that are abused are obtained directly or indirectly through a physician's prescription. But when a recovering addict needs surgery, the stakes are even higher. Cellular changes in opioid receptors can occur faster. Addiction can be reactivated or a new one can be formed. So is there a way to manage pain without risking drug relapse for addiction?

Who Is At Risk?

Certain people are particularly vulnerable to addiction. You can assess if you are in a higher risk group if you check off one or more of the following:

• Prior history of drug or alcohol addiction
• Past problematic use of pain medicine
• Parent or other family member with addiction
• Unresolved childhoodtrauma 
• Co-occurring mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety 

Long-term use of opioids for chronic pain is known to cause opioid use disorders. And there are risks around exposure to opiates after surgery for everyone. How much pain medicine does it take to form a painkiller addiction? The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has found that prescriptions for three days or less can help reduce opioid addiction or misuse. Research shows that for people predisposed to addiction, cellular changes in response to opioids can occur with as little as five days of exposure. 

6 Ways to Avoid Addiction Post-Surgery

Doctors and hospitals have tended to give postoperative patients more opioids than needed and do not educate them about the potential dangers of opioid medication. Research shows that people who get addicted to pain medicine often move on to less expensive, more readily available heroin. 

Painkillers can’t always be avoided entirely. But studies show that if people in recovery have the proper education and a limited amount of the medicine and are open to alternative forms of pain relief, they can heal without risking their sobriety. Here are a few tips for creating a recovery-friendly pain management plan.

1. Talk with your surgeon. Some hospitals are already making an effort to reduce the amount of opioids prescribed to postoperative patients in multiple surgical specialties.  A recent study showed a drop in opioid prescriptions when surgeons offered education and options for pain relief. Encouraged by their doctors to use a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID) and acetaminophen before using opioids, 85% of patients went without opioids. Share your concerns with your surgeon.
2. Discuss pain medicine in advance. Tell your entire medical team, from surgeons and residents to attending physicians and nurses, that you are in recovery and ask for this to be taken into consideration while in the hospital and in prescribing medicine. Request the smallest amount for the shortest amount of time. Balance the need to control pain with non-narcotic pain relief.
3. Ask about regional analgesia. Pain after surgery is unavoidable and can be debilitating, but for some surgical procedures the need for pain medication can be delayed if the physician uses an analgesic technique during the surgery. It is not something a doctor would automatically do so discuss the options.
4. Enlist your support system. Reach out and ask for support. If you are in a 12-step program or outpatient treatment, tell the people around you about your medical situation. Have friends visit you in the hospital and ask them to come to your home to help distract you from pain and to support you in maintaining your sobriety. If you are unable to attend meetings for a while due to surgery, ask friends to have them in your home.
5. Give the medication to a responsible party. Don’t tempt the hands of fate by thinking, “I can handle this on my own.” If you have to use opioid medication for a short amount of time, put the bottle of pills in the hands of someone who can keep them out of sight, give them to you as needed and will not let you take more than prescribed. They frequently do that in drug trials that involve either narcotics or treatment for narcotics, so that the drugs aren’t abused. 
6. Plan for alternative pain relief. It takes time to heal from surgery and pain relief allows the body to heal faster, but people who have already experienced addiction should look into complementary pain management approaches, including:

Mindfulnessmeditation– Using brief meditations, patients can shift their moods and their response to pain. Mindfulness meditation is used to help self-regulate chronic pain as well as attenuate other forms of pain.

Hypnosis– This popular nonpharmacological means for managing surgical side effects has been used for pediatrics, post-surgical adults and cancer patients. Research has shown hypnotic analgesia may enhance nervous system inhibitory processes that attenuate pain. 

Auricular acupuncture– Stimulation of acupuncture points in the external ear has been shown to help reduce pain after hip surgery and ambulatory knee surgery.

Relaxing music– Research has shown that sedative music has been effective in reducing pain and anxiety in open-heart surgery patients.

Foot and hand massage– Massage can take the focus off of pain and promotes relaxation.

Although there is greater awareness of the opioid crisis and how addiction can begin with pain medicine prescribed after surgery, there is still more education needed on best prescribing practices and also catching drug addiction before it begins. The CDC has suggested physicians prescribe less and refuse unnecessary prescriptions. But people in recovery from addiction have to take the extra step of informing their physicians of their special vulnerabilities and asking for help so they can have the healthiest, least painful surgical recovery.

Today is World Refugee Day.

When the Fall of Saigon occurred on April 30, 1975, my father was a high-level government official; we received a call that communists soldiers were en route to our home to execute my father. We left in a rush, dinner half-eaten on the table, with all of our possessions left behind. We made our way to the Mekong Delta, where we luckily escaped on a small fishing boat as communist soldiers fired from the shoreline. In the chaos, my 6-year-old sister was separated from us. Our fishing boat made its way to the open ocean, where we were miraculously rescued by a U.S. naval ship. I was 2 years old at the time.

Source: Pixabay

We stayed in a refugee camp on a Malaysian island, where we anxiously waited for three months until the American Red Cross achieved the extraordinary feat of locating and reuniting my sister with us. After arriving in the U.S., a Southern Baptist church in Texas partnered with a nearby Catholic church and co-sponsored ("adopted") our large family of eight.

Coming to America allowed us to escape a war-torn communist Vietnam and to live in a free society. While there were times when some Americans showed their displeasure at my immigrant existence ("Go back to where you come from!"), growing up in America allowed me to eventually attain my doctorate and to now help children and families as a child psychologist & professor. It allowed my three sisters to obtain their doctoral degrees in varied health professions, my eldest sister to become an accountant/director, and my brother to become a small business owner of a cafe. My father, with the support of my mother, dedicated the remainder of his professional career to working with American charities.

The United States of America began as a nation of immigrants. It began when a group of people left their country of origin and immigrated to the American continent. One of the world's iconic images is the Statue of Liberty, the Immigant's Statue, which was built in 1886 and saw her significance grow in subsequent decades as countless ships filled with immigrants sailed past her on their way to the American shoreline. The statue's plaque tells the world, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses…the wretched refuse of your teeming shore…send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door.” The golden door is considered a beacon of promise beckoning immigrants to embrace a new land and all it offers. Has this welcoming symbol of the United States held true to its prose?

Source: Pixabay

In 1845, nearly 2 million Irish refugees made their way across the Atlantic to the United States during the Great Hunger potato famine. But while this long-standing history of welcoming refugees is notable (e.g., Displaced Persons Act of 1946, Operation Safe Haven of 1956, Indochinese Migration and Refugee Assistance Act of 1975, Refugee Act of 1980), America also has a history of refusing or opposing refugees, starting with the Immigration Act of 1924, and continuing with the majority of Americans continually opposing refugee resettlement in the States (i.e., 83% of Americans opposed allowing German Jews refugee haven in 1938, 62% of Americans opposed the U.S. government’s plan to admit Vietnamese refugees in 1979). With irony, many Americans who oppose refugee resettlement in the U.S. today were once immigrants or refugees themselves, or have ancestors who were immigrants to the U.S. in prior generations.

A primary reason for many Americans' opposition to accepting refugees is economically-related; refugee resettlement is costly in real time; however, this fear-based concern has been shown to be unfounded in the longer-term. History shows that welcoming refugees into the U.S. has made it a stronger country economically and culturally over time. My family’s story is not unique- many Americans can trace back their history to when immigrant ancestors came to the U.S. These prior generations of immigrants from all corners of the world have helped the U.S. develop into an economic superpower.

According to the National Academy of Sciences, immigration, and the labor it brings, serves to increase the U.S.A.'s gross domestic product (GDP), and this is particularly relevant in the upcoming future as our Baby Boomer generation ages and eventually leaves the American workforce sa shrinking workforce leads to a stagnant economy, as is presently occurring in homogenous, aging Japan). A study by the National Foundation for American Policy found that over half of the startup companies valued at $1 billion or more had at least one immigrant founder. The New American Economy Research Fund found that refugees are 50% more likely to become entrepreneurs than native-born American citizens, and 40% of Fortune 500 companies were founded by refugees, immigrants, or their children. Further, economist Keith Maskus, of University of Colorado, found that for every 100 international students who earn science/engineering Ph.D.’s in America, the U.S. gains 62 future patent applications.

Decades and decades of research by psychologists, scientists, and economists have overwhelmingly demonstrated that socially and culturally diverse groups are more innovative than homogenous groups. Studies showed that groups with members from diverse backgrounds bring new information and are better at problem-solving and innovating than homogenous groups. Harvard Business Review in 2013 highlighted research that demonstrated companies with both inherent (traits one is born with) and acquired (traits gained from experience) diversity in their workforce were 45% likelier to report a growth in market share and 70% likelier to report that the firm captured a new market. Thus, we now know that diversity in the workforce contributes to innovation and improved ability for a team to solve complex problems.

Years ago, I asked my father if he wanted to return to live in Vietnam now that imminent danger had passed. I'll never forget his reply. Without any hesitation, he shook his head vigorously and said, "No, because America is my homeland. This is where we belong. This is our home. So now- we, our children, and our children’s children will give back to America, for taking us in when our lives were in danger."

Source: Bess-Hamiti/Pixabay

I'll never forget that America opened its doors to our family; it dreamed big for us. As proud American citizens, I believe we are fulfilling those dreams. As we raise our children in America, let us teach them the important, integral role of immigrants in our American history. History and statistics tell us that many of these children will eventually grow up and oppose refugee resettlement; however, as parents, we can create a shift in that thinking. We can make an effort to teach our children about America's rich immigrant history. We can teach them critical thinking- to look at the research data and inform themselves, which helps to combat thinking based on unfounded fears. We can teach them that without immigrants, United States of America would not exist today.

Today is World Refugee Day, when we honor the strength and perseverance of people displaced around the world. We can best honor them by teaching our children to have empathy, compassion, and to look beyond themselves to the greater world.

          At one point in Douglas Adams's hilarious Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a baby sperm whale has some thoughts as it plummets toward the planet Magrathea. This appealing but doomed animal had just been "called into existence" several miles above the planet's surface, when one of two nuclear missiles, directed at our heroes' space ship, had been inexplicably – and indeed, improbably - transformed via an "Infinite Improbability Drive." (The other missile was turned into a bowl of petunias.)

             I’ll let the masterful and much-missed Mr. Adams take it from here:

And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this poor innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as a whale before it then had to come to terms with not being a whale any more.
This is a complete record of its thoughts from the moment it began its life till the moment it ended it.
“Ah … ! What’s happening?” it thought.
“Err, excuse me, who am I?”
“Hello?”
“Why am I here? What’s my purpose in life?” ...
“Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I’m quite dizzy with anticipation” …
“And wow! Hey! What’s this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? Very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like … own … found … round … ground! That’s it! That’s a good name – ground!”
“I wonder if it will be friends with me?”
And the rest, after a sudden wet thud, was silence.
Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was “Oh no, not again.” Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.

             One thing we know about the nature of the universe is that evolution, too, is an improbability generator, although its outcomes are considerably more finite than a single sperm whale (however doomed and adorable), not to mention that bowl of petunias. But the key point for our purposes is that after we are called into existence by that particular improbability generator called natural selection, human beings have no more purpose in life than Douglas Adams's naive and ill-fated whale, whose blubber was soon to bespatter the Magrathean landscape.

             Let’s start with some pure biology: nobody gets out of here alive. And at the other end, nobody got here except through a chance encounter between a particular sperm and a particular egg. Had it been a different sperm, or a different egg, the result would have been a different individual. Biology again. We, like all other sexually reproducing creatures, result from the conjunction of certain types of matter known as sperm and egg, nucleotides, proteins, carbohydrates and a very large number of other purely physical entities, with nothing approaching “purpose” anywhere to be seen. Finally, as to why we are here, the life sciences once again have an answer: human beings, like all other beings, aren’t here for any purpose that in any way transcends what their genes were up to in the first place. Evolution is a genetic process, and all bodies have been “created,” unlike Adams’ Magrathean whale, for no purpose except the dissemination of certain genes.

          Admittedly, there isn’t much in gene propagation itself to make the heart sing. And in an increasingly overcrowded, polluted and resource depleted world there is much reason to deny its prodding. It is not something to sneer at, however; after all, every one of your direct ancestors has reproduced, without ever missing a beat, going back to the primordial ooze. But at the same time, no one likes to be manipulated, even when the manipulator is our own DNA! At the same time, as Richard Dawkins emphasized so dramatically at the end of The Selfish Gene, it is well within the human repertoire to rebel against our evolutionary purpose(lessness), thereby saying “No” to our genes.

          Homo sapiens is probably the only life-form with this capability and indeed, the human search for meaning has been as persistent as it is inchoate. Where, then, does biological insight leave the human search for meaning? I see two fundamental possibilities. On the one hand, we can delude ourselves, clinging to the infantile illusion that some One, some Thing, is looking over us, somehow orchestrating the universe with each of us personally in mind. Or, we can face, squarely, the reality that life in general and our individual life in particular is inherently meaningless.

          Here is a forthright acknowledgment to this effect from Heinrich Heine. In his poem, “Questions,” we are introduced to someone who asked the waves, “What is the meaning of Man? Whence did he come? Whither does he go? Who dwells up there on the golden stairs?” And in response: “The waves murmur their eternal murmur, the wind blows, the clouds fly, the stars twinkle, indifferent and cold, and a fool waits for an answer.”

          This does not imply giving up on the search for meaning. Quite the contrary, it italicizes the foolishness of waiting for the world to provide an answer, expecting it (the waves, the wind, the clouds, the stars, our fellow creatures or a human-crafted written text) to reveal our meaning or purpose, as though these somehow exist outside ourselves, just waiting to be uncovered. Instead of despair, this perspective opens a creative locus of compatibility: between a recognition of life’s biologically based meaninglessness and another recognition, of the responsibility for people to achieve meaning in their lives - not by hiding behind the dictates of dogma, or the promise of a “purpose” preprogrammed for each individual, but by how each of us choose to live his or her life in a world that is inherently lacking in purpose.

          Call it a kind of evolutionary existentialism. In an absurd, inherently meaningless world – our unavoidable evolutionary legacy as material creatures in a physically bounded universe – the only route to meaning is to achieve it by how we engage our own sentient existence. This vision of life’s absurdity is not surprising. It is, in fact, altogether appropriate, given that human beings – just as all other living things – are the products of a mindless evolutionary process whereby genes joust endlessly with other genes to get ahead. “Winners” are simply those who happen to be among those left standing whenever a census is taken, but how shallow that the only “goal” is to stay in the game as long as possible!  Moreover, it is ultimately a fool’s game, in which we and our DNA can never cash in our chips and go home.

          And that, pure and simple, is life. The take-home message: it’s up to us to make the best of it.

David P. Barash is an evolutionary biologist and professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington. His most recent book, Through a Glass Brightly: using science to see our species as we really are, will be published summer 2018 by Oxford University Press.

"Will more science show it's really ok to harm animals...don't we really know enough right now?"

Because of my decades long interest in the cognitive, emotional, and moral lives of nonhuman animals (animals), I receive emails from many students with questions about the cognitive and emotional lives of nonhuman animals (animals). The notes range from elementary school students all the way to university students. I'm always impressed with how much they know in many different areas, including animal behavior, cognitive ethology (the study of animal minds), conservation, and animal protection.

Last week I received this note from an eighth grader, and it really piqued my interest because it's been a question with which I've been concerned for quite a long time. She asked, "Will more science show it's really ok to harm animals?" She followed it up with two additional extremely apt questions, namely, "Do we really need more science to know animals have emotions and that they suffer?" and  "Will we really learn anything that tells us it's ok to treat them with less respect and compassion -- don't we really know enough right now?"

Source: Tatiana Chekryzhova, free downloads Dreamstime

I was incredibly impressed with this youngster's note and immediately wrote back to her and thanked her for writing to me and for asking such important questions. I also wrote that my simple answer to her very thoughtful questions is, "No, additional data will not make it okay to harm other animals, and we know enough right now to mandate that we take steps to develop and to enforce stronger guidelines and laws to more adequately protect them from harm. They need all the help they can get and they're not getting what they want and need."

I've been thinking about these sorts of issues and questions for a long time and, in fact, long ago I came to the obvious conclusion that we knew enough then -- and we surely do now -- to offer far more compassion, respect, and humane treatment to other animals who are used and abused by humans in a wide variety of ways. Indeed, we don't come close to using what we already know to protect other animals, and the failure to use what we know on behalf of other animals is extremely harmful to them.

For example, in The Animals' Agenda: Freedom, Compassion, and Coexistence in the Human Age, Jessica Pierce and I discuss the "knowledge translation gap," that refers to the practice of ignoring tons of science showing that other animals are sentient beings and going ahead and causing intentional harm in human-oriented arenas. On the broad scale, it means that the incredible amount of detailed information we now have about animal cognition and animal emotions has not yet been translated into an evolution in human attitudes and practices. Consider also The Cambridge Declaration on Consciousness, The Treaty of Lisbon, a declaration on animal sentience, and essays published in the journal called Animal Sentience, all of which clearly make the case that we know enough right now to put an end to animal abuse. And, some researchers, including the eminent primatologist Frans de Waal, wonder if we're smart enough to know how smart other animals are, and I would ask if we're smart enough to know about the true depth and richness of the emotional lives of other animals, including the nonhuman companions with whom we share our homes (please also see "Humans Are Dumb At Figuring Out How Smart Animals Are"). 

One excellent and extremely troubling example of the knowledge translation gap is found in the wording of the U. S. Federal Animal Welfare Act, which explicitly excludes rats and mice from kingdom Animalia (even though a first grader knows that rats and mice are animals). The science that clearly shows these rodents are sentient beings continues to be totally ignored. Thus, in the 2002 iteration of the AWA we read, "Enacted January 23, 2002, Title X, Subtitle D of the Farm Security and Rural Investment Act, changed the definition of 'animal' in the Animal Welfare Act, specifically excluding birds, rats of the genus Rattus, and mice of the genus Mus, bred for use in research." The first time I saw this I had to read it a few times to be sure my eyes were still working. They were and still are. For more on the idiocy of the AWA’s misclassification of rats, mice, and other animals please see “The Animal Welfare Act Claims Rats and Mice Are Not Animals.”

Birds and fishes also get incorrectly and misleadingly dissed. Yes, these rodents and some other animals are not considered to be animals. And, numerous scientists sign on to this ludicrous claim. I've pondered the question, "How do you explain to a youngster that rats aren't really animals?" It beats me, but it's clear they're written off because of their widespread use and because they make a lot of money for those who wantonly breed and use them in all sorts of research. I also wonder why scientists aren't up in arms about this inane misclassification. Where have they gone and why aren't they doing anything about it. Researchers should mandate an immediate biologically based corrective to the AWA and openly lead the way. Science could help to save animals, but it's not doing a very good job at doing so. 

Questioning science is not anti-science

 “How about we accord other species the respect they deserve?” (Edward Wasserman) 

I've argued in a number of places that science alone will not save animals or their homes. Rather, individuals will have to work to reconnect with nature and with other animals on a deeply personal level -- they'd need to rewild themselves. I've always stressed that questioning science is not anti-science. 

Where to from here? We need to use what we know

So, do we really need more science to know other animals are sentient and feeling and conscious beings? No, we're not learning anything that says we should show less respect, dignity, compassion, and love toward other animals. While there is still much to learn about the cognitive and emotional lives of other animals, more scientific evidence won't refute the fact that they need to be treated with much more care, tenderness, and humaneness than they currently are.

I'm so thankful for the notes and questions I receive from students of all ages that get me to revisit and to rethink many different aspects about the lives of other animals and what we know about them as thinking and feeling beings. They also give me hope for the future. 

If scientific studies of animal cognition and animal emotions stopped today, other animals should be just fine and also benefit from what we already know if we truly use the information we already have at hand. Indeed, we are compelled to use what we know because each and every life matters because each and every life is intrinsically valuable. 

Nonhuman animals need all the help they can get, and the information for giving them the very best lives possible is already available and just waiting to be used. Clearly, a good deal of what we know from detailed comparative research isn't used on their behalf. 

We must do all we can to alleviate another individual's suffering.

Source: MaxPixels, CC0

A core feature of my just-published book Careers for Dummies  is dossiers on 340 careers, popular and under-the-radar. Here, I’ve selected a few under-the-radar ones might be of special interest to the readers of my Psychology Today blog.

Patient advocate. The healthcare system is labyrinthine as Boomers and no-pay/low-pay people, legal residents and not, tax the creaking system. Hospitals, insurers, and patients hire patient advocates to help patients survive without undue pain, physical, psychological, or financial. More info:  Patient Advocates: The Coach in Your Corner for Taking On the Health Care System  and the Patient Advocate Foundation.

Wellness Coach.  Of course, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So the traditional fitness trainer—“10 more push-ups!”—is being supplemented and perhaps increasingly replaced by the wellness coach, who may address diet, stress, substance abuse, and perhaps yes, tell you to do 10 more reps. More info:  Institute for Wellness.

Dating Coach. A dating coach could do some or all of the following:

• Help the client clarify what sort of relationship s/he wants, for example: from short-term hook-up to marriage
• In light of the preceding task and the person’s personality, determine what combination of activities should be in the plan: dating sites, setups from friends, taking or teaching a class (Dance? Finance?), or traveling with or without a wing person.
• Help the client create an online dating profile that accurately reflects who s/he is and the kind of person s/he’s looking for. It may include taking photo for the profile. After creating an impressive portfolio of such profiles, you might try to get hired as a dating site’s in-house profile writer.
• Help decide which profiles to reach out to and respond to, and how.
• Role-play flirting and dates. This strategy can not only provide useful feedback and tips, but shy or socially anxious clients could also benefit from the desensitizing effect. You could put it on video. After all, video is used to provide feedback during all sorts of lessons, from golf to interviewing, so why not dating?
• Assist in selecting clothes, hair, and makeup. Perhaps even accompany the client on a shopping trip.
• Double-date with the client and, afterward, provide feedback.
• Meet regularly to discuss the progress and, if needed, make changes.
• Coach the client on turning a good first date into a blossoming relationship.
• You might even offer a group activity, such as a long-term-relationship boot camp. That could be highlighted by video-recorded mock mini dates on which each person would get and give feedback. Of course, the boot camp’s leaders would also provide input. More info:  How to Become a Dating Coach.

Parenting Coach. Whether a parent has a newborn or an adult child who just moved back home, many parents worry they’re not good-enough parents. They don’t want a therapist; they just want help in getting their pride and joy to not drive them crazy. Parents with a special-needs child or one with a substance abuse problem may particularly call on you. You can market to individual parents by offering free seminars at PTA meetings or public libraries, for example. Or see whether you can get referrals from your child’s pediatrician. More info:  Becoming a Parenting Coach: The Basics.

Thesis Completion Coach.  Many master’s and doctoral students, and even some undergrads who have to complete a senior project, need help. Want to provide it? More info:Association for Support of Graduate Students.

School Tech Coach. That orchard of Apples long planted in schools too often don’t bear as much fruit as the salespeople had promised. So increasingly, schools are hiring teach coaches to bring along teachers who may not be fully enamored of and expert in the use of ed tech. More info:  Ed-Tech Coaches Becoming Steadier Fixture in Classrooms and International Society for Technology in Education.

Grant Proposal Writer. Fortunes are distributed by government and nonprofits based on grant proposals. If you are good at synthesizing ideas and perhaps coming up with your own to match Requests for Proposals, you could well be in-demand. More info: Grantsmanship Center and  Proposal Writing: Effective Grantsmanship for Funding.

Campaign Manager.  Even small local elections have become sophisticated enough for candidates to hire a campaign manager, and budgets for higher office continue to grow. So campaign management is an under-the-radar option for manager types who’d enjoy a role in how government’s enormous power is dispensed. More info: How to Be a Great Political Campaign Manager and The Campaign Manager:Running and Winning Local Elections.

Heart-Lung Perfusionist. In open heart surgery, the surgeon can’t work on the heart if blood is squirting all over the place. So a machine is hooked up to an artery to receive the blood. The machine then, like a heart and lungs, pumps blood and air back into an artery on the other side of the heart and lungs, and circulation continues. Meanwhile, the heart is relatively bloodless so that the surgeon can work. The surgeon hooks up the blood vessels, and the perfusionist runs the machine. It all sounds straightforward, but talk to any perfusionist and she’ll say that the job is stressful. One mistake can be one too many for a patient. Only calm people with a high tolerance for stress do well. Perfusion is the smallest healthcare profession, with only 4,000 practitioners in the United States, and, because of the aging population, there’s a shortage. More info:  Perfusionist.

Self-Published Book Editor. Amazon’s CreateSpace among others has made it easy for book authors to self-publish, perhaps too easy. Many self-published books could use editorial help. Fortunately, CreateSpace allows, after publication, the author to submit revised text. Want to help such authors? Here’s the link to the best-selling CreateSpace books. Those books are generating income for the authors and so they may be particularly inclined to invest in an improved version.

Pop-Up Shop. You rent a small space for a week or two for a seasonal business: Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween, and Christmas. More info:  What Is a Pop-Up Shop?

Big ticket sales: Many salespeople think too small, perhaps out of fear. Real money is to be made in big-ticket sales, for example, golf courses, airplanes, venues, and skyscrapers.

Exhibit Designer or Builder. Design-and-build types often overlook exhibit design and building. Exhibitors at trade shows and professional conferences have to compete for attendee attention and so often spend big on exhibits. More info:Exhibitor: Best Practices in Trade Shows and Events  and Experiential Designers and Producers Association.

Government Procurement Consultant: The nation’s largest customer is the government—and it may be willing to pay $85 for a hammer. That’s the sort of customer all businesses love but many companies don’t know how to get the government to buy from them. Your job is to teach them. More info: U.S. Small Business Administration’s Government Contracting Division and The Small-Business Guide to Government Contracts.

Under-the-radar supply chain careers. Let’s say you like beer. Getting a job as a brewmaster is tough but dozens of careers exist in the beer world that most people don’t know about, so landing a job is easier. And you derive many of the benefits of being around the product you love—as long as you don’t consume too much product. What sort of jobs? Hop growers, spice distributors (Did you know that a key spice concoction is called Grains of Paradise?), brewing equipment sales and service, wholesaling, restaurant sales, writing reviews for trade publications.

Whether you are dealing with a narcissistic supervisor, business owner or political leader, the basic patterns of their behavior can be quite predictable. Of course, their personalities exist on a continuum from narcissistic personality traits (which may be mildly annoying to those around them) to narcissistic personality disorder (social impairment without self-reflection or behavior change) to malignant narcissism (a cruel and sadistic combination with antisocial personality disorder). I have observed all of these personalities in dysfunctional families, legal cases, workplace conflicts and business disputes.

Source: Shutterstock

The Basic Pattern

Not all narcissists desire to be leaders. Many are simply self-absorbed, brag a lot and may primarily sabotage themselves without self-awareness. But when narcissists desire to be leaders, it is often to fulfill personality-based goals which may have little to do with their job descriptions. Instead of focusing on leading a successful enterprise and motivating others, they are preoccupied with three basic drives: 1) being seen as very superior, 2) expanding their own power and 3) being admired by all.  

Walls: For this reason, much of their efforts go into dividing people into winners and losers, with those below them being berated as losers and those above them being charmed as winners. (Think of this as “kicking down” and “kissing up.”) Of course, as time goes by, they attempt to scramble higher and higher by walking on the winners who helped them up and who they now view as losers. In a sense, they arrogantly erect walls (mostly verbal, but sometimes physical) between themselves and those who are “beneath” them. To convince themselves of their own greatness, they have to constantly insult others (their Targets of Blame).

Wars: They are also highly defensive, so that the slightest criticism may send them into battle as they try to prove that they are really superior and that their critics are really inferior. They see all relationships as inherently adversarial and therefore are ready to go to war (verbally or otherwise) at the drop of a hat. This can totally distract them from the work at hand, but they can’t help themselves. They are constantly rebounding from one “crisis” to the next, even though these are mostly self-inflicted. Yet they pride themselves on how powerful and superior they are, so that they are almost eager to pick a fight just to prove how great they are or to move up the organizational ladder.

Parades: Lastly, this basic leadership pattern includes demands for excessive doses of admiration. They are driven to get compliments for themselves, if possible by impressing other high-status people, but often by demanding deep respect from the same people they have been insulting. They take credit for what others have done and deny responsibility for their own mistakes. They are constantly fighting to overcome their own “narcissistic injuries” (when their imperfections are exposed) by attacking those who don’t admire them enough.  They are constantly seeking trophies that they can show off to others and pushing for public displays of affection for themselves, such as parties (or parades).    

Child Abuse Theory

Why would someone behave like this, often to their own detriment? The leading theory is that they were abused as a child, or had an insecure attachment in early childhood. Growing up, the person tries to overcompensate for being belittled and powerless by creating a superior “false self” that he or she presents to the public as particularly talented and special. Of course, this false self keeps having narcissistic injuries, so the person tries harder and harder to prove how superior he or she is. But it’s a vicious cycle, because it can’t get resolved by proving superiority. It gets resolved, if at all, by healing the abusive past, learning to accept one’s ordinary place in real life, realizing that set-backs are normal and experiencing empathy for simply being a person. These learnings can happen in therapy, but few narcissists are willing to go.  

Entitlement Theory

Another theory is that the child grew up in an indulgent family environment which taught superiority on a daily basis. Rather than being abused, the person had no limits and their needs and wants were eagerly met. They expect to be indulged as an adult, by their partner, their boss and their community.

Wannabe King Theory

My theory is that many leaders with narcissistic personality disorder are that way because of heredity. I have worked with many families with several children who are quite different, even though they were raised in the same household in the same basic way. Yet, one of them has this personality disorder and the others don’t. Often there’s no abuse history or a minor abuse history. Yet the person grows up with the same full-blown Walls-Wars-and-Parades mentality.

I believe that this personality “disorder” may be in the human gene pool because it was once very functional. These patterns of behavior could be hold-overs from ancient times in a very specific way. They are what I call Wannabe Kings. In ancient times, narcissistic leaders often arose because they were very adversarial and took power and held onto it. At first, village chieftains were at the top of the village social hierarchy. They organized the village to feed itself, get along and also to protect itself from outsiders. Narcissists are good at getting people together and sweeping them up in their grandiose schemes.

Over time, as humans grew in numbers, village chieftains were replaced by more powerful leaders, eventually kings and occasionally queens. For protection, ancient kingdoms had to have walls. They kept out the dangerous enemies who would try to attack them and take over the kingdom.

These leaders were also constantly at war, both to protect themselves and to expand their kingdoms. Lastly, in order to show the king’s power and the people’s love, they would have parades. This constant pattern of kingly behavior seems very specific and very common to a vast number of chieftains and kings (and some queens) throughout history. It makes sense that over time we would still have a percentage of people with this personality in our gene pool. Society has changed rapidly over the past thousand years, much faster than human genetics.

In addition to Walls, Wars and Parades, the king got to tell the unifying stories of the kingdom. Who we are. How we should behave. Why we are victorious. Who our enemies are. Who we can trust and who we can’t trust inside the kingdom. Most kingdoms had public punishments for those who violated one of the king’s rules or who he didn’t like on a whim. Everything revolved around the king. He conditioned the people to eventually accept his way of thinking on every subject. Before books and constitutions and legislatures and courts, this may have actually worked for the consolidation and efficiency of society.

On the other hand, this much power in one person could be particularly lethal if the narcissistic king was also a sociopath--had an antisocial personality. Sometimes this combination is called malignant narcissism. This would add cruelty, humiliation and sadism to their efforts. When building a wall, they might make the local people do all the work, even though it was designed to keep them out. When waging war, they would often have their troops sexually abuse the women, kidnap their children, and steal their crops. Dominance is the theme for antisocial personalities, so that showing that they had total control over other people’s lives and bodies, their children and their property, would be enjoyable for them—sometimes just for the sake of feeling on top.   

Conclusion

I believe there are many people today who have this Walls-Wars-and-Parades pattern at all levels of society. But these instincts or skills are totally counter-productive in the rules-based, collaborative modern world. Today, these behaviors are truly a disorder. The person is often internally distressed and socially impaired. They alienate the people around them and can be quite abusive. They end up with few, if any, real friends.

Yet they have no clue why they act the way they do and sometimes regret it. But this is who they are. This may help us have empathy for them, but also recognize that they are very unlikely to have insight into their own in-born behavior and are very unlikely to change. Therefore, we need to understand these patterns and set limits on them sooner rather than later, to protect modern society.

For tips on how to spot narcissists and methods for dealing with them, see some of my other Psychology Today blogs and my new book 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths and Other High-Conflict Personalities.

More people are reacting every day to the Trump policy of separating children from their parents as they cross the border into the United States. I am glad to see it, because I know that only a widespread revulsion to this practice has any chance of stopping it. Still, seeing these children, and listening to them, has a palpable effect on all of us. Most people become upset, some very upset. They prefer not to hear the news at all, which is difficult to do. The sounds of children crying are played over and over. God knows what people would feel if the television coverage was not strictly limited by the administration. As of this writing, we have not yet been allowed to see the girls’ or toddlers' residences.

There are other observers who quickly become inured to watching children suffer, and they feel little or nothing. Extreme examples of this were the concentration camp guards who were able to react, seemingly normally, to their own families, but had only a blunted emotional awareness of others. This is not Nazi Germany, and the ICE agents are not the Gestapo. Still, if these officers are continuing witnesses to cruelty, they may experience post-traumatic syndrome, and even if not so severely affected, they are likely to show some degree of emotional blunting. Already there is a recording of a custodian making a joke about being in “an orchestra” in response to many children crying at the same time.

When I was stationed in Germany as an army psychiatrist, I got to know some German physicians who served with me at the 20th Station Hospital. One told me a story which I think is relevant to this discussion. In 1962, the time of which I speak, penicillin had become more or less readily available, but certain medical practices that should have disappeared because of the use of penicillin were still common. He was treating a case of scarlet fever, as he usually did, with strict isolation in a hospital. (And, also unbelievably, with a warm scarf.) Scarlet fever, which is caused by streptococcus and presents with a sore throat and reddish skin, is important, because in a certain number of cases, the sick individual develops an allergic reaction to the bacteria and a week or ten days later may develop rheumatic fever, a condition that damages the heart, or Bright’s Disease, which in a similar way injures the kidneys. Those conditions are still around today and are the reason that a strep throat is always treated with ten days of medicine. Isolating an affected child may prevent his transmitting the condition to another child, it but does nothing to cure him.

The strict isolation I am referring to took place in a local hospital behind a heavy glass window. The child, a 6 year old, was on one side of the window, and his mother on the other side. Neither could hear the other. Both cried throughout visiting hours, the doctor told me, off and on for most of the ten days he was hospitalized. The physician wondered whether any emotional reaction both of them had was likely to be permanent. I did not know the answer. He went on to say that he was affected, as he always had been in this situation, no matter how many times he was responsible for this treatment. He visited his patient as infrequently as possible and left as soon as he could. Separation of mother and child, even when they are in sight of each other, is traumatic to both. And bystanders, such as hospital staff, will be affected also.

Let me point out one difference between what went on in that hospital and what is going on right now at our southern border. The pain experienced by that sick young child was inflicted unintentionally in order to help him with his illness — however misguided. It was only inadvertently cruel. On the other hand, Attorney General Sessions has made clear that the purpose of separating parents and children is precisely to craft a situation so painful that parents will be dissuaded from coming to the United States to seek asylum. “If they don’t want their children to be taken away, they should not break our law in the first place,” he said. It is only a matter of time before some child or parent commits suicide, which, I can see ahead of time, will be decried by the authorities, but which, of course, if publicized may further deter asylum seekers.

We are all of us altered by this atrocious policy. We have to do something about it. This country has always depended on immigrants to make its economy grow. Accepting the poorest among them has seemed a moral imperative. Immigrants have made this country stronger, not weaker. Now, we have to hurry to the front lines, which are in every state, next door to all of us, not just in Texas. The country will survive, but unless we fight for it, it will not be the same country. (c Fredric Neuman, Author of The Wicked Son)

Source: Pexels (free stock photo - adapted)

Yoga has been widely embraced across the world. In America, for example, over 16 million adults are estimated to have a regular practice¹ (spending an astonishing $6 billion or so each year on classes and products²). So, in a week graced by the International Day of Yoga (on the 21st June), we might take the opportunity to express our thanks for an activity which so many people evidently find helpful. These benefits are not only reflected in its popularity, but also in an emergent scientific literature which only confirms what yoga teachers and practitioners have always known – that it can exert a powerful impact upon our mental and physical health³.

But even as we pay our gratitude and respects to this phenomenon, we can still pause to ask how well contemporary practices across the world truly live up to the ideal of yoga as traditionally conceived. Mind you, doing so does not necessarily mean criticising such practices. In whatever way people practice yoga, if they find it helpful, then that’s good. For instance, many people simply engage with yoga as a physical exercise, which of course is beneficial in itself⁴. But that doesn’t mean that yoga may not have yet more to offer. For as originally conceived, yoga constitutes a comprehensive system of personal development and self-realization⁵. To appreciate this point, let’s consider its origins.

The roots of yoga

Appraising the roots of yoga is no easy task. Its origins are shrouded in the ‘mists of history,’ as they say, predating the general keeping of written records that would allow one to know the historical details. But it is generally acknowledged that yoga refers collectively to a system of physical, mental, and spiritual teachings that crystallised in India around the 6th Century BCE. That said, its origins likely stretch back far further: excavations in the Indus valley have uncovered earthenware seals featuring figures in yoga-like poses dating to the third millennia BCE⁶. Such practices were then developed within the various religious/spiritual traditions in that part of the world that are now frequently referred to collectively as Hinduism. These practices also influenced other kinship traditions, like Buddhism, generating related contemplative activities, such as various forms of meditation.

But what does yoga mean? This is a complex question. In fact, yoga is an excellent example of an untranslatable word, i.e., a term that lacks an exact equivalent in our own tongue. I’ve become fascinated by such words, particularly ones relating to wellbeing (being a researcher in positive psychology). As such, I’ve been creating a ‘positive lexicography’ of these words, as I explore in two new books (please see bio for details). These words are significant for many reasons. Most intriguingly, they can reveal phenomena which have been overlooked or underappreciated in one’s own culture and language. This means we don’t have our own word for the phenomenon in question, which creates a ‘semantic gap’ (‘the lack of a convenient word to express what [one] wants to speak about’⁷). In that event, we often simply ‘borrow’ the word in question, which then becomes a ‘loanword.’ As indeed we have done with yoga.

But that still doesn’t get us closer to understanding what yoga means. We may gain some clue though from considering its etymology. It is a Sanskrit word which derives from the root yuj, which is often explained as meaning ‘to unite’ or ‘to yoke’. This gets us a little closer, in that yoga can be thought of as a system of techniques that may unite or yoke together the different aspect of our being - mind, body, and ‘spirit’. (If the latter is a contentious term for some people, one could perhaps think of consciousness instead.) In this respect, we can already see that simply viewing yoga as a form of physical exercise involving bodily postures – the dominant perception in the West – somewhat misses the mark. For in its original contexts, such exercises are merely one branch of a more comprehensive system of teachings.

Yoga branches

Indeed, according to some taxonomies, there are no fewer than 12 branches. There is hatha yoga, involving the practice of asanas (i.e., physical postures), often undertaken in specific sequences and accompanied by breathing techniques, that ‘unify body and mind’ by training one’s attention on the body. People are probably familiar with this branch, and indeed, in the West this is often mistaken for yoga in its entirety, as noted above. But there are other important branches, which – in their various ways – contribute to the psychospiritual development of the person.

These include raja yoga, the path of meditation. This branch was systematised by the renowned figure of Patañjali, who authored the canonical Yoga Sutras, the earliest extant systematic work on yoga, thought to date from the 2nd century BCE⁸. There is also karma yoga, the path of selfless service, which is partly undertaken to ensure favourable future outcomes (as per the metaphysical cause and effect principle of karma, whereby our actions influence future experiences and mental states). There’s bhakti yoga, the path of devotion, whereby every thought, word, and deed is seen as an opportunity to express love, thereby embodying the sacred. Or there’s jnana yoga, the path of study and knowledge, of the cultivation of the intellect, involving the devoted contemplation of yogic philosophy and Hindu scripture. And the list continues.

These are all different pathways to the ultimate goal of yoga: the attainment of one’s ‘true Self,’ of mystical union with Brahman– the ‘ubiquitous, absolute, formless, immaterial, immutable’ all-encompassing sacred ground of being’⁹. As such, in that spirit, one can see that the power and potential of yoga goes far beyond physical tone and athletic flexibility. Perhaps that is something to bear in mind even as we celebrate the great benefits yoga has already brought to many millions of people across the world.

Recently, I posted a series of articles (parts 1, 2, 3, and 4) critiquing a paper called 'The Mutant Says in His Heart, “There Is No God”: the Rejection of Collective Religiosity Centred Around the Worship of Moral Gods Is Associated with High Mutational Load'. The first author of the article, Edward Dutton, contacted me and asked if I would publish a rebuttal, and I have agreed to do so as a guest post. Due to its length, the reply will be posted in two parts, which Dr Dutton has agreed to. Disclaimer: the contents of the following represent the authors' views, not mine, and they are responsible for the accuracy or otherwise of their statements. I still stand behind my original critique. 

It May Seem ‘Amazing’ (and Even ‘Egregious’) but the Mutant Really Does Say in His Heart: “There is no God” (Part 1)

Dr Edward Dutton and Prof Guy Madison

In a recent study entitled ‘The Mutant Says in His Heart “There is no God”’ (Dutton, Madison, & Dunkel, 2017), we reported a set of empirical findings in support of the idea that Industrialization leads to the accumulation of group-fitness damaging genetic mutations through relaxed selection, according to the Social Epistasis Model (Woodley of Menie et al., 2017). A crucial component of this theory is that relaxed selection not only has direct effects on fitness, but impacts important fitness behaviour regulation processes. These genetic and environmental effects manifest in fitness damaging worldviews, for example, which thus accelerate the process by way of acting as ‘social multipliers’ (see, Dickens & Flynn, 2001, for a description of this concept in another context). This would imply that deviations from the pre-Industrial, selected norm would be associated with high mutational load.  

Our study specifically addressed whether religiousness is associated with lower mutational load in modern environments, employing the very specific definition of religiousness as belief in a moral god or gods and collective worship thereof, and based on the view that religiousness is a group selected trait. We duly examined this through exploring associations between putative indicators of mutational load (poor health, autism, fluctuating asymmetry and left-handedness) and two deviations from this apparent pre-Industrial ‘norm’: atheism and paranormal belief. The associations were in the direction predicted.

Our study gained a great deal of attention and was reported in newspapers worldwide such as the UK’s Daily Telegraph (Rudgard, 21st December 2017). This is unsurprising as religiosity is a very important issue. However, our study analysed religiosity in a rather novel fashion and, accordingly, there are many ways to misunderstand or misconstrue it. It appears that this is what has happened amongst popular psychology writers and even academic psychologists. Dr Stuart Ritchie, of Edinburgh University, remarked of our study simply ‘Amazing!’ and Scott McGreal termed it ‘one of the most egregious papers I have ever read’ (O’Mara, 24th December, 2017). Presumably, however, Mr McGreal may have had second thoughts about our study’s outstanding awfulness, because rather than simply dismissing it as nonsense he conducted an extremely detailed critique of it on his blog, dedicating no less than four lengthy posts to it (McGreal, 17th March 2018, 19th March 2018, 21st March 2018 & 8th June 2018). Mr McGreal has obviously thought deeply about our study and in that we are all interested in understanding the psychology of religion, we relish the opportunity he has given us to continue this debate. Mr McGreal presented 20 key criticisms:

1. We Use Questionable Sources

We opened our article by observing that several individuals have spontaneously and independently noted the supposed superior beauty of religious females in online fora, while we have not found examples of people that report finding non-religious females more attractive. These are simply examples of ordinary people expressing their opinions. As we do not argue that this constitutes scientific evidence of anything it is no more questionable than an anthropologist quoting some of the subjects with which he has done fieldwork.

2. We Misunderstand Bible Passages

We further alluded to a number of Bible passages that seem to suggest that the religious are healthier, better looking, less left-handed, and so on. It has been suggested that these examples do not illustrate our point but, again, we have confidence in the reader’s ability to evaluate the article. We happen to find a breadth of influences more engaging and entertaining, even in an academic article, and apparently the scientific community, in the guise of the three reviewers of the article, found it quite acceptable: no-one even mentioned the Bible quotes. The idea that they would have any scientifically conclusive value, however, had not even occurred to us, and we find it odd that this would even be suggested. It is really a strawman criticism. The Bible should, however, perhaps not be entirely dismissed, since it reflects in itself a very long selection process from the stories passed down orally to the many editions of the texts throughout the centuries (see Peterson, 1998). Having passed the test of resonating with the experiences of many minds in this process, it may therefore say something that a blind boy is accepted by many Christian commentators to be autistic (King James Bible, 2018), being possessed by the Devil and, thus, by implication, not possessed by God. Similarly, it seems telling, although not by any means conclusive, that evil is generally on the ‘left-hand’ in the Bible.  

3. Ancient Atheism

Mr McGreal argues that our theory that atheists would not have survived in pre-modern times due to their high mutational load is refuted by the fact that there were atheists in ancient Greece and Rome. However, we did not assert that no atheists at all would survive in pre-modern times, only that there would be a substantial selection against this trait. And, more importantly, the presence of atheists in ancient Greece and Rome would seem to perfectly illustrate our point. In both instances, we begin to see atheistic philosophers, from amongst the higher classes, when societies become highly advanced. Meisenberg (2007) has observed that in such advanced civilizations the intensity of selection is reduced due to higher living standards. This leads to greater genetic diversity and, moreover, the children of the higher classes would have been disproportionately likely to survive due to their superior living conditions (see Clark, 2007).

Meisenberg (2007) argues that this means that, at a certain point, levels of stress become so low amongst the upper class that they begin to question the society’s religion (religiousness, he notes, being partly predicted by stress) and limit their fertility, being more efficient users of the contraception which has now been developed at this late stage of civilization. There is abundant evidence for this (e.g., Woodley of Menie, Figueredo, Dunkel, & Madison, 2015), which leads to a generation-by-generation decline in average intelligence. In preindustrial conditions there is a positive relationship between socioeconomic status and fertility (see Clark, 2007), and Dutton and Charlton (2015) have shown that socioeconomic status is partly predicted by intelligence, meaning that there was a fertility-intelligence nexus which eventually went into reverse. Indeed, Dutton and Woodley of Menie (in press) have actually shown that, in line with this theory, per capita innovation decreases in the ancient world from around the point that ‘philosophy’ develops, consistent with the Social Epistasis Model. This is, moreover, all consistent with the idea that atheism is generally associated with advanced civilizations in which the checks on mutation are weaker than they once were. Meisenberg (2007) avers that Western civilization managed to get further in terms of development before the well documented positive relationship between socioeconomic status and fertility (see Dutton & Woodley of Menie, in press) reversed because of its intense and violent religious dogmatism, which included the complete anathematizing of contraception.

4. Religion has not been selected for  

Another, more surprising claim is that religion has not been selected for. It has obviously been selected for because it is around 40% genetic, based on twin studies, and possesses all of the other widely accepted markers of having been selected for, such as elevated fertility, as we demonstrated in the original article.

5. Misleading references

It has been argued, with regard to our reference to Blume (2009) that we misleadingly imply that he says that religiousness is sexually selected for. In fact, we state that religiousness implies access to a useful network of people. This is what Blume (2009) argues and he is referenced for this reason, although he does rather imply that religiousness, in males, can be sexually attractive for females.

6. Religious people are not high in GFP

Our suggestion that religious people are higher in the General Factor of Personality (GFP) has been disputed, pointing to Gebauer et al. (2014) who shows that this relationship is weaker in less religious societies. It may well be weaker but it is still positive, and so Gebauer et al. is simply an illustration of our point that religious people are higher in GFP, likely leading to religiousness being sexually selected for.

7. Religiousness is not sexually selected for

It has been noted that people tend to marry those who are similar in religiosity to themselves, which Mr McGreal argues means that it’s not sexually selected for. We cannot see how this follows at all. Indeed, people tend to be attracted to people who are genetically similar to themselves, so-called assortative mating, but this mechanism does not contradict that sexual selection operates on more or less genetically influenced traits. That aside, it is correct that we cannot prove conclusively that religiousness is or has specifically been sexually selected for, although its substantial heritability indicates that it is (or has been) subject to some type of selection. In pre-modern times, religiousness would have been associated with many positive qualities, such as access to a network of individuals, high GFP, and following moral rules, which mitigates against exploitation of women. On the part of male sexual selection, female religiousness would be desirable as an insurance policy against cuckoldry. This may well be part of the reason why women are more religious than men (see Dutton, 2014). In the broader scheme, however, sexual selection of religiousness appears very likely given the growing consensus that sexual selection tends to play a greater role than natural selection for many human traits compared to most other primates, by way of concealed ovulation, for example.       

8. Adaptive Atheism

Mr McGreal proposes that ‘atheism’ could itself be adaptive in certain circumstances. This may be true. It could allow you, in a very religious society, to showcase certain desirable qualities such as bravery and the intelligence to critically question the accepted norm. This could be sexually attractive to some females. It could also be adaptive in an atheistic dictatorship, because you would be less likely to upset those in control. But this remains hypothetical in view of the fact that fertility amongst the religious is by and large higher, when controlling for significant variables (see Ellis et al., 2017). Moreover, as we demonstrated, at the group level, societies high in positive and negative ethnocentrism always come to dominate and religiousness predicts both of these traits (see Dutton et al., 2016).     

9. Group Selection is ‘Controversial’

Mr McGreal censures us for using the concept of ‘group selection’ because it is ‘controversial’ amongst evolutionary psychologists. But the fact that something may be considered ‘controversial’ is irrelevant to whether or not it is accurate. We referred to the multilevel selection model – not the traditional group selection model - in our study, and the fact is that no critic or reviewer questioned this. But it has indeed been argued that there exists amongst evolutionary psychologists something of a ‘prejudice against group selection which is impervious to evidence from laboratory experiments. It is also impervious to evidence from the wild’ (Wilson, 7th November 2009).

Part 2 of the article will be published shortly.

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Woodley, M.A. & Figueredo, A.J. (2013). Historical variability in heritable general intelligence: It’s evolutionary origins and sociocultural consequences. Buckingham: University of Buckingham Press.

Woodley, M. A., Figueredo, A. J., Dunkel, C., & Madison, G. (2015). Estimating the strength of genetic selection against g in a sample of 3520 Americans, sourced from MIDUS II. Personality and Individual Differences, 86, 266-270. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2015.05.032

Recently there has been discussion about the capabilities, limitations, and even dangers of artificial intelligence (AI) in the workplace. We know that robots and computers have already replaced workers in a variety of jobs – especially in routine work such as manufacturing, data analytics, and customer service. Automation can do many of these jobs more quickly and efficiently than can humans. We tend to think, however, that higher-level jobs, such as those of supervisors and leaders, are too complex, or require a “human touch” and so are less likely to be replaced.  But perhaps, in the near future, managers and leaders may be the next to be replaced by AI. Does that sound far-fetched?

Well, I just finished a spate of projects working with managers, professionals, and human resources leaders, and a common complaint is voiced about the upper-level decision-makers to which these people report. Many of these very competent professionals complain that their bosses ignore, or refuse to implement, best practices.

For example, one engineer told me that her boss resisted purchasing state-of-the-art design software, even though everyone in the engineering department (perhaps even including the boss) knew that this would lead to greater productivity and better quality work and save the company lots of money. Why the resistance? The boss didn’t fully understand the new technology and was afraid of losing control. In another instance, an HR professional’s boss refused to use best practices in evaluating workers’ performance, and that same executive often ignored using readily available and informative data in decision making. In still another case, a compliance officer’s boss was seemingly threatened by (or perhaps jealous of the subordinate’s competencies) and wouldn’t allow the officer to improve and streamline some areas of operation. What is common in all of these examples? The leaders were biased and influenced by their own personal limitations and insecurities.  In short, they were too human!

How might a robotic or AI system leader behave differently and better?

The AI leader would not feel inadequate, intimidated, or threatened. The AI leader would simply be fed the pertinent data from the subordinate(s), analyze it, and make the best possible decision (and in these cases, the correct decisions were readily apparent). The AI leader would not play political games and would only respond positively to a subordinate’s accomplishments and achievements. In short, the AI leader would behave the way an effective leader should behave – objectively, fairly, relying on data, and on best practices.

Will this happen? Will higher-level bosses be the next to be replaced by automation? Probably not in the near term, partly because the decisions to replace will be made by humans.

What do you think?

Follow me on Twitter:

http://twitter.com/#!/ronriggio

Source: Kynan Tait at flickr, Creative Commons

More common than once thought, from new fathers to high-level executives, many of us experience impostor syndrome. Defined in the Harvard Business Review, it’s:

“A collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. ‘Impostors’ suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence.”

For fathers, these beliefs can result from observing the immediate bond between mother and infant (fathers may take up to two months to have a similar connection). Physician Liji Thomas explained to News Medical:

“Fathers bond to their babies over a longer period… During this time, they may feel ‘out of it’, especially when they observe the special bond between their spouses and the new baby.”

And many mothers think they’re impostors too. Blogger Michelle Grant posted a piece in the Huffington Post titled “The Parenthood Impostor Syndrome,” where she said:

“It’s a feeling of uncertainty, of anxiousness and for me, it was the very real idea of being a fraud in those early weeks of motherhood… ‘Everyone else is better at this than me,’ I told myself.”

New parents can’t get direct feedback, so it can be difficult to know if they’re doing things correctly for the infant. Grant continued:

“When we first become parents, we are expected to carry out a role we’ve not been trained for—and we get no feedback from our babies on how well we’re doing. So, it’s no wonder if we feel out of our depth and like an impostor.”

The impostor phenomenon is not a psychological disorder, but rather a reaction to a situation where individuals struggle to settle into a role and feel as though they’re faking ownership of it. And, feeling like an impostor isn’t limited to parents.

In a research review, psychologists Jaruwan Sakulku and James Alexander reported that as many as 70% of people experience impostor syndrome at least once during their lives—exposing the magnitude of the problem. In fact, many successful professionals face impostor syndrome.

It was first identified by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in 1978 when it was used to describe many high-achieving women who didn’t recognize their personal success despite exceptional academic and professional accomplishments. These perceptions may be related to whether or not women attribute their success to luck or to ability.

Women are particularly vulnerable to impostor syndrome when they believe their achievements are the result of chance. And when they engage in occupations historically held by men, such as being a university professor or member of law enforcement, women may feel they are not truly meant to be there.

Further research, though, has demonstrated that both men and women in high-earning positions or positions that are characteristically respected are susceptible to the impostor phenomenon. A Forbes article mentioned that partners at accounting firms and famous celebrities alike have felt like frauds in their positions, as though they would be uncovered for being an impostor. Actor Don Cheadle said:

“All I can see is everything I’m doing wrong that is a sham and a fraud.”

In another example, renowned author Maya Angelou recounted:

“I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.'”

A number of causes can  contribute to impostor syndrome. These range from perfectionistpersonality traits, to family pressures to succeed, to minority status. A cover story in gradPSYCH magazine of the American Psychological Association stated:

“Differing in any way from the majority of your peers—whether by race, gender, sexual orientation or some other characteristic—can fuel the sense of being a fraud.”

There are some ways to combat impostor syndrome for those struggling with its challenges. Psychiatrists Andreea Seritan and Michelle Mehta suggest that “accepting compliments graciously” and “keeping a record of positive feedback” are important to minimize its effects.

For parents who are suffering with self-doubt, the CBT Institute of Southern California advises that acknowledging the fallibility of being human is helpful to overcoming impostor syndrome, and to enjoying the positives and pitfalls of parenthood.

–Andrei Nistor, Contributing Writer, The Trauma and Mental Health Report.

–Chief Editor: Robert T. Muller, The Trauma and Mental Health Report.

Copyright Robert T. Muller.

Believe it or not, recovery isn’t just about avoiding the unhealthy “addictive” behaviors. It's about enriching your life, so you no longer want, crave, desire or need that which is bad for you.

You should never settle for "okay." Because if that’s where you settle, that’s where you’ll stay… the motivation to reach higher will wane and it’ll be difficult to get started again. And then, often resentments about “just being okay” will return and you’ll have to find a way to cope. Sound familiar?

Imagine this instead: a place where you are happy with yourself and your life and you’ve surrounded yourself with positive people who support you. If you imagine it and commit to the effort it will take to create this life, you can make it happen.

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For instance, Paula was an incredibly successful executive who came to see me to reduce her drinking. She had no desire to quit because she couldn’t imagine her life without alcohol. She took a short break from alcohol as we started doing the work and noticed an improved relationship with her husband and improved performance and satisfaction with work. During this time she started working out regularly, partially as a way to fill the time previously taken up by drinking and partially to deal with the extra energy she found she had. In the process, she started to trust and respect herself more. She hadn’t felt that way in years (despite her incredible success).

She suddenly realized that aiming for “okay” was setting the bar too low. When she recognized the improvements in her life and how she moved beyond "okay," she chose to stop drinking for good. She's been sober from alcohol for more than two years, and her quality of life has changed drastically. She smokes a little marijuana on the weekends sometimes, but that’s about it. Gone are the nightly blackouts, the embarrassing parties that ended with her passing out. Life is normal. She is finally happy.

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The road to recovery can be hard work. Why bother with all the hard work if you just end up feeling ”okay?” Isn't feeling mediocre or down about yourself the reason why you became addicted in the first place?

What if you were to look to the sky and reach for more?

Look to the sky

When I was released from jail, “okay” would have been a dream. Just being “normal” was going to be a victory for me at that point because of how far down I’d gone. I remember saying to myself, when I finally got out, that I would commit to doing anything that guaranteed me I wouldn’t be back there – clean toilets, stack shirts, mop floors – whatever. Average was fantastic at the time. But had I just stopped once I reached “okay,” I would have never looked up to the sky and done all of the work I did, stayed up late and studied, or filled out all of the applications that eventually allowed me to get to where I am now – a place I could’ve never imagined to be.

When you're struggling with addiction, and you face a setback, it's easy to feel like you'll never amount to anything. I know, I’ve been there. But, if you never set goals any higher than just being “okay” you rob yourself of an excellent quality of life.

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Robert Merton coined the phrase ‘the self-fulfilling prophecy’ back in the 1960’s to describe how a belief, statement, or expectation, can alter actions and then come true. Even when there is no reason to worry, on a subconscious level your thoughts create your reality. And there is much research to support this notion.

You see, if you wake up and for no particular reason you feel it’s going to be a bad day, you probably will have a bad day. Unconsciously, you will behave in ways that confirm your belief, and the confirmation bias will make certain that your brain will pay particular attention to proof that you were right!

The placebo effect is one example of the self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe a treatment will work, then it is likely to have an effect. The Pygmalion effect, a central topic in my TEDx talk, similarly shows us that what we believe about others make their behavior more likely to fit our expectations.

So, your mind is a powerful tool in your life and in your recovery. If you believe you can be more than ordinary, then you will be one step closer to reaching that goal. And you will find opportunities to pursue and goals to achieve that you wouldn’t see otherwise.

From Recovery to Success

What about J.K. Rowling? Before she made it big time with her Harry Potter book series, she was clinically depressed and suicidal, divorced, living in government housing and struggling to pay her bills. Even so, she wrote book after book. She faced many rejections on the path to publication, but she did not give up. Not only that, she believed in herself and her stories, and she knew they (and she) were more than ‘okay.’ She’s now a billionaire.

Before powerhouse Oprah Winfrey made it big on her talk show, she had a drug habit and an awful history of childhoodabuse. She didn't settle for an ‘okay' life. She dreamt big, and she made her mark on the world.

Thomas Edison is well known for “failing” at making a working lightbulb over 10,000 times. But he was famous for saying that those 10,000 failures were simply his way of finding “10,000 ways that didn’t work.”

Mind you; I’m not suggesting you aim for TV stardom or become a bestselling author! Just move those goalposts further afield and create your own reality. Imagine how easy it would have been for any one of those individuals to quit. No one would have faulted them with the odds stacked so high against them. But the world would now be a darker, boring and less inspired place without them. What can you create and make happen if you simply aim high enough?

How to reach for greatness

Discover how to reach beyond okay and seize greatness:

Self-examination

We care about how other people see us, especially when we don’t like ourselves. The first step to getting beyond ‘okay’ is to realize the parts of yourself you don’t like. Real examination might include clinical assessments, personality tests and deep digging into your past (we do all of that in each of the IGNTD courses).

Acceptance

Forget loving yourself. First, you need to be okay with who you are – the good and the bad. You can’t change what you’ve done or the road you’ve traveled, but you can come to accept the journey you’re on. Then you can grab the wheel and move life in a new direction. As I always say F*$% Shame– you have a life to live!

Get people ‘in your corner’

Often, the reason you don't like who you are is because of the feedback and energy you get from other people. Okay, you've reinforced some of these views because that's how you see yourself too. It's easy to get caught in this cycle of judgment. 

You need to make sure you have people around you that are on your side. People who are positive and uplift you, rather than put you down. When you have people around you who accept you and aren't trying to change you, it helps your success and your recovery process. Remember, if people around you expect more from you, it will reinforce your sense of belief in yourself! Find your tribe for ultimate success.

Take ownership

Change the way other people see you. This includes being honest with yourself and accepting the parts that you’re willing to change. Not hiding from them and pretending everything is okay. When you’re not honest with yourself or the people around you, it keeps them at a distance. It prevents others from getting too close.

Look beyond ‘okay' and set the goals higher. Begin from your own personal starting point. Simply mark your victory as the best outcome you can imagine at that moment and keep adjusting it as you go.

Final Outlook

In short, never settle for “okay.” Always reach for great, no matter where your “great” currently is. It’ll end up bringing you to the incredible goal you’re supposed to achieve, a place you probably can’t even imagine right now. Don’t worry about others. If you pay attention to your own progress, you’ll amaze yourself. I’ve seen it happen hundreds of times, in my own life and in the lives of many of my clients. There is nothing that kills hope as much as playing down your own expectations for greatness.

The drive for great is what brought Paula to decide to stop drinking completely. It’s what allowed her to bring her husband in for work, taking their marriage from barely-surviving to absolutely thriving. I challenge you to seek the same for yourself – whether it’s through the IGNTD courses (for relationships or addiction) or through another method, you can experience a life that currently seems unattainable if you just start out by believing it’s there and that you can do the work to achieve it!

Source: (c) 4774344sean/fotosesarch

The epidemic of anxiety in high schools and on college campuses is stunning.  Over the past seven years, anxiety has become the #1 reason college students seek counseling?[1]  I’m seeing it in my clinical practice, reading about it in news articles, and hearing about it from therapists when I give workshops around the country on anxiety treatment. Anxiety disorders affect 25% of teenagers, a percentage that has steadily risen over the past 30 years and is showing no sign of slowing down.[2]  What's going on?

When I was writing Prescriptions Without Pills, which offers self-treatment options for relieving anxiety, I had little idea how prevalent anxiety disorders were becoming and even less awareness of the dramatically rising rates among high school and college students.  The treatment "prescriptions" I suggest in the book seem all the more vital now.  Students are best off relieving their anxiety with techniques that do not involve medications.  Anti-anxiety medications can create physical dependency (sedating antidepressants) or addiction (benzodiazepines like Valium). 

Prevention almost always beats treatment, so I have been on the lookout for ways to understand the factors that have been triggering the increases in anxiety among young people.  

I am pleased therefore to have stumbled on an opportunity to interview 21-year old author and mental health activist Jake Heilbrunn.  Jake’s book Off The Beaten Trail, his newly released TEDx talk, and his speeches to student groups around the country have impressed me. 

A interview with Jake Heilbrunn on the student anxiety epidemic

Many thanks to Jake for sharing his perspectives with us.

DrH: Jake, how did you become so dedicated to helping anxious teenagers?

JH:  During my first semester of college, I battled crippling anxiety, an anxiety-induced skin condition, and depression. One of the few people who knew I was going through this was a career counselor. At the end of my first visit with this career counselor, who had asked me how I’d been feeling and what about, I broke down crying in her office. After bottling up my issues for months, I had found an adult who encouraged me to share what was on my mind.  The relief I felt that day was enormous.

DrH: What do you think is a key reason young people are experiencing so much and such severe levels of anxiety?

JH: Based on my own experience plus talking with thousands of high school and college kids when I speak at schools across the country, I see the widespread use of social media as a major new anxiety trigger.

Millennials and Gen Z’ers like myself are growing up in a world with two lives, both equally as real: digital and analog (in person.) In our digital lives (a.k.a “social media”) we are constantly trying to maintain an image.  We paint pictures of our lives with the photos and stories about ourselves that we post. And we compare the realities of our lives with the images others paint on social media of their lives, or at least of what they want us to think their lives are all about..

DrH: Why do you think social media be a bigger anxiety-generator for young people than for older adults?

JH: Quantity.  Gen Z’ers spend, on average, four hours a day on social media.[3]  Imagine spending ¼ of your waking-life  subconsciously comparing yourself to the people you follow on Snapchat, Instagram, and Facebook.

More time on social media yields more emotional distress.  Constant scrolling and social comparison bring about thoughts like, “I’m not good enough, happy enough, smart enough, good looking enough...etc.”  A continual stream of these kinds of negative comparison thoughts all too frequently culminates in overwhelming feelings of worry—generating anxiety— and of being less-than, which generates depression. 

In fact, research studies have shown a direct link between quantity of time spent on social media and levels of anxiety and depression.[4]  

At the same time, the more anxious young people feel, the more tempted, and even addicted, they may become to constant searching on social media for information about their social status. The vicious cycle spins on. 

DrH: Are there additional ways in which social media seems to invite anxiety?

JH: For sure.  Students open the door to enter their dorm room, and instead of talking with their roommates what do they do?  They check their Facebook page. They want to take a study break, and what do they do? The same. First thing when they wake up in the morning what do they do?  Check their email and Facebook pages. All of this social media checking is time that in the past might have been spend hanging out with friends.

Chatting in person, unlike reading about friends on social media, builds social connections. Social connections build self-confidence.  So in addition to creating anxious feelings, social media checking decreases the amount of oxytocin-induced good feelings generated by actual friend-to-friend contact.

In addition, there’s something about cell phones and computers that makes them addictive.  That means that student’s are not just occasionally thinking about how they match up with others.  Addicts keep checking and checking in hopes of a shot of good feelings.  And they far too often experience anxious or depressed feelings because instead of getting that shot of an upper feeling, they see someone who looks better than them or someone who has said something hostile about them.

Of course, looking at others for clues about how others see you has long been a teenage way of clarifying self-image.  Teenagers have always sought to understand who they are and how they rank with others by checking out what others think of them.  The sad twist induced by social media is that students receive false images of great happiness induced by others’ image-enhancing posts.  And when Likes for their posts replace the fun teens used to get from direct social interactions like talking, smiling and “hanging out” with their friends, life becomes both scarier and less fulfilling.

DrH: What else may be inducing so much student anxiety?

JH: Of course there are the usual suspects like girlfriend and boyfriend difficulties, stress from too much homework, and roommate conflicts. 

What may have changed however is that helicopter parenting, with parents always hovering nearby to “help” rather than kids learning to problem-solve on their own, may leave college students less prepared for dealing with these stresses.

DrH: What about the reality that more young adults now go to college?

JH:  That’s probably a factor as well.  In high school kids and their parents stress about what college they will get into. In addition, for many students, college is the automatic next step after high school even though in their gut they know that they have only minimal interest in getting more education. 

Then in once they get into college, students and their parents are spending huge amounts of money and may  be taking on huge student loans.  Yet so many kids at college have very little sense of what’s valuable in what they are buying.  So college can generate huge financial pressure with little payback other than a fun social life—i.e., parties and drinking.

DrH: How can parents and educators help young people who are suffering from anxiety?

JH:  Many millennials and Gen Z’ers feel inordinate pressure from parents and society to be successful in school.  While it is true that young people in previous generations also felt this kind of pressure, the advent of social media seems to have significantly magnified it.  When parents feel anxious about if their kids will get into the right college, or succeed in college and after, this pressure multiplies.

So to help their kids, one place for parents to start is to evaluate their own anxieties.  If parents can take a leap of faith and just love their kids as they are, with or without measurable achievements, that more relaxed and loving attitude may go a long way to easing the passage into adulthood for their kids.

Parents also can be helpful by inviting their kids to say what is going on inside their heads.  “What…” and “How…” are the best question-starter words as these open-ended starters invite full answers. “Do you…” or “Have you…”, by contrast, invite short yes or no answers.  They also tend to invite defensive responses instead of thoughtful ones. 

Parents then need to be willing to respond with interest, not with criticism, whatever the answers they hear.  “Yes, that makes sense because…”   Then, if they don’t get it, they can ask for more information.  They can ask the next “What…” or “How…” question. The conversation will quickly end if a parent responds with any version of “You shouldn’t feel that way because…”.

Dr.H: How did talking with a counselor help you to relieve your anxieties?

JH: Over a period of several months, I saw the career counselor five times. The counselor taught me anxiety coping skills, mainly by encouraging me to say aloud the negative thoughts.  Putting into words the anxious feelings that had been consuming me enabled me to listen to my feelings so they could inform me about my concerns. The counselor asked me then what might be alternative ways of responding to these concerns. I began then to discover new solutions to the challenging situations I was facing. 

Talking about my feelings and thoughts with a listener who took my concerns seriously and then encouraged me to seek solutions taught me to do the same.  Talking about the feelings offers relief in and of itself. In addition, with feelings and thoughts out in the open, I could begin figuring out what might help.

These conversations changed the course of my life. They taught me that anxiety signals that there’s a problem I need to address and solve. They kick-started my journey that led to me being able to overcome my disabling anxiety.

What else did you learn from your college experience of anxiety and eventual relief?

Parents and educators need to understand that when young people are experiencing anxiety and depression, we often feel ashamed. We think we are alone. We think nobody else is experiencing these feelings. And we have no clue what to do to make the anxious feelings go away. 

With no one to talk with, we feel isolated, hopeless, stuck in feelings that embarrass us, and spinning with worries instead of launching into problem-solving.  That’s when self-harming behaviors can begin to look appealing.

Now, looking back, I can see that in these fragile moments:

--We first need to be heard. Not to be told that it’s not really so bad, but rather to take our feelings seriously, as good data. That way we can begin to hear and understand ourselves. 

--Then to be asked, or to ask ourselves, “So what might you want to do about this situation?  What could you do differently that might help?” These questions lead us to begin to problem-solve.

SH: What other culturally prevalent beliefs may contribute to anxiety?

JH:  Many young people believe that they need to be “perfect” to be happy and successful. I held this belief, and it scared me a lot.  I kept encountering other students who seemed to be more “perfect,” and I was terrified.

Our education system has a heavy focus on grades.  Students may the share the belief that good grades = success, and bad grades = failure. Buying into the belief that grades are the sole factor that determine success and happiness in life promotes anxiety.  It's terrifying when we believe that we are a failure, and will continue to be a failure, if we don’t get A’s and gold stars.

This isn’t to say that students shouldn’t work hard, seek advice or tutoring, and strive to learn. The problem comes when students adopt a belief that “grades are everything.” This belief can lead to anxiety, cheating, depression and even drastic measures like suicide.

By switching our beliefs to a perspective that focuses on learning because of interest in the subject, we can decrease stress, and gain more education, from high school and college studies.

Gratitude, sports, writing in a journal, volunteering, exercise, and extracurricular hobbies also develop the broader perspectives that set up for both vocationally and socially successful living.

One further mistaken belief for me however was the most deadly.  I believed that my parents and teachers were the ones who knew best about what was good for me.  This belief resulted in inability to listen to my own gut, to my own thoughts and feelings. When I assumed that my parents wanted me to be in college, and I didn’t want to be there,  I began to drown in an anxiety whirlpool. I was shutting down the quiet voices within myself in favor of doing things because of other people’s expectations, which proved to be a perfect route for ever-increasing anxiety and depression.

Dr. H: What information would you offer to a student who is struggling with anxiety?

JH: I’d teach them first that they are not alone in what they are experiencing. Anxiety is normal. Everyone feels it from time to time. It’s even a helpful feeling because it warns them when something needs their attention. 

I’d teach them too that anxiety is temporary. It goes away as soon as they identify and create a plan of action to fix the problem that the anxiety is trying to get them to look at.

I would encourage them to find someone to talk with.  Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

I’d tell them to listen to the thoughts that go with their anxiety. Then figure out a new plan of action for the situation that the anxiety is trying to get them to pay attention to. 

And lastly, I would tell them that anxiety can be chronic, a sickening feeling that seems to come out of nowhere and lasts on and on.  For most high school and college students however anxiety need not be a meaningless curse.  Yes, it may feel absolutely horrible.  That's for sure.  At the same time, anxiety can highlight important concerns and point the way to solutions.  Anxiety then transforms into a blessing that helps us to find peace and purpose.

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[1] https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2017/03/29/anxiety-and-depression-ar...

[2] https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/featured/teenagers-are-feeling-...

[3] https://blog.globalwebindex.net/chart-of-the-day/gen-z-now-spend-4-hours...

[4] https://www.forbes.com/sites/amitchowdhry/2016/04/30/study-links-heavy-f...