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Head, Heart, Repeat

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Courtesy of Geoffrey Roberts
Source: Courtesy of Geoffrey Roberts

Maintaining a connection to both our thoughts and emotions is required for optimal wellbeing. One of my greatest joys is to help people restore contact with their emotions even after years of them being buried. To touch our true emotions is to feel real.

Sadly, many of us have learned to protect ourselves by blocking access to our emotions. We do this with defenses, the protective armor we wear to avoid feelings. Our thoughts and our defenses are sometimes the same. We go into our head, worrying or obsessing, to move us away from our deepest emotional truths. 

I do not suggest that we stop thinking. Quite the contrary. I love thinking and I enjoy my thoughts. Plus, spending all day living in vulnerable and emotional states is not practical. Not at all! We need to think and perform at our jobs and we need healthy defenses to move away from emotions at times.

Most of us, however, only pay attention to our thoughts. We can absolutely build mental flexibility so we more freely glide from thoughts to emotions and back. This practice builds a healthy mind.

One way we can achieve more balance between our thoughts and feelings is to pay some attention to what we feel in our bodies, the place where our core emotions reside. 

Want to experiment with building mental flexibility? Let's move from the head to the heart and back again with this quick and simple taste of what I mean:

Focus on your thoughts. What are you thinking right now? Can you answer out loud or in your head as if you are talking to me?

Maybe you are thinking, "This blog is intriguing." Maybe you are thinking, "This stuff is silly." Maybe you are thinking about what you will eat for dinner tonight. Just notice without passing judgment on your thoughts. The goal is just to notice. It's that simple.

Right now, for example, I am thinking, "I hope people like this blog and that my communications are clear and understandable."

Now you try. What are you thinking? 

Next...let's move down below your neck to the area around your heart.

Focus on your heart area right now for about 10 seconds. Just stay right there noticing as you breathe. (Make sure you are not holding your breath as that stops us from being able to sense what we feel.) 

Can you describe either an emotion or physical sensation? You might sense that you are calm, relaxed, tensed, stressed, warm, cold, happy, sad, angry, scared, excited, bubbly, numb, or fluttery. These are just a few of the many words that describe emotions and physical sensations. 

Try to put your own language on what you sense around your heart. If you feel stuck, that's normal. Click here for lists of words that describe physical sensations and emotions. These will help find the words that fit what you notice. As for me, I notice a little flutter in my heart and my stomach, which tells me I'm excited to share this information.

Finally, shift back to your head. Focus on your thoughts again. Ask yourself, "What did I think of this exercise?" Notice what you are thinking.

Now shift back down again to your heart area and sense what you are experiencing now. Don't assume what you sensed before is what you sense now. Use the charts again to put more nuanced language on your emotional experience.

Did you notice the difference between thinking your thoughts and sensing your body? 

Congratulations! You've just practiced moving from your thoughts to your feelings and back again.

Well done!

Addiction
Subtitle: 
Do you know the difference between a thought and an emotion?
Blog to Post to: 
Emotion as Information
Teaser Text: 
Do you know the difference between a thought and an emotion? Experience the difference and begin the journey to know yourself more deeply.
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Seasons: Memories of Poignant Changes

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I am a native Californian, living the first eighteen years of my life in the City by the Bay, and the rest of my life in Los Angeles.  I have been told that Californians, especially those in Southern California, do not experience seasons.  If having seasons means the complete changing of the leaves in fall and snow flurries in early winter, and the melting of the snow in early spring, then, by definition, California does not have seasons.  But for me, seasons are so much more: they are memories of poignant changes within my family and myself, the ebbs and flows of schedules and routines.

Seasons are my mother reminding me not to wear white after Labor Day.  She took to heart her own words in late August, as she reorganized her closets, switching light cottons and seersuckers for heavier wools and tweeds.  Regardless of September often developing into the hottest month of the year in San Francisco, my clothing choices in my own closet were only dark fall colors.  We didn’t have an Eastern autumn, yet my memories and my wardrobe reflected otherwise.

My children’s return to school punctuated my fall.  We suddenly said goodbye to our lazy days of easier schedules, swimming afternoons, Nintendo marathons, camp, and extended television hours. Such relaxed days morphed into a frenzy of homework, soccer practices, school meetings, and earlier bedtimes.  Today, I recollect with a slight yearning for this electric energy and these rhythmic days that possessed their own innocence. Back-to-School Night gave us a chance to meet our sons’ teachers and to learn of their upcoming projects and programs. My days were filled with early morning preparations, preparing brown-bag lunches, carpools, and hurrying home from my own teaching to be there when the afternoon bell rang.

bjaffe/blogger
Fall leaves in Los Angeles
Source: bjaffe/blogger

Fall also meant shopping for pumpkins and the pressure of choosing the best Halloween costumes.  October 31st now involves trick-or-treating with our grandchildren, taking them on the same path their daddy once walked, and eyeing the homes decorated with jack-o-lanterns and skeletons.

One of my favorite holidays of the year is Thanksgiving, which is also the time of one of my son’s birthdays.  It is a joyous time of year for family and dear friends who come together to eat delicious comfort food.  Despite the often 80-degree weather outside, internally I have a sense of the cooler weather to come.

bjaffe/blogger
Our turkey is almost done!
Source: bjaffe/blogger

When the holidays come, what gifts to buy and what foods to cook preoccupy my thoughts, marking the beginning of my winter.  There are times when I am holiday gift shopping while wearing flip-flops and without even a sweater, something unfathomable for East Coasters at this time of year. During these darker months, I also become hungrier, craving carbs and sugar as if some primeval memory prepares my body to store its food for a non-existent hibernation.

My winter once denoted returning home to San Francisco to visit my family, first from the university and eventually with my husband and our children. My mother’s Christmas dinner morphed into brunch as she aged.  It didn’t matter what food was served or the time of day, but it was the energy in the air, in the house, the excitement of coming together that I now hold deep within me.

Today, my winter reflects the joy of having my grandchildren run barefoot throughout the house in December.  They are often still in light-weight clothes, unfamiliar with the slippers I wore to warm my feet as I, too, trounced down the hallway of my childhood home. My house becomes cooler, so I exchange my light nightgown for one with sleeves under my cozy, quilted robe. The lights which adorn various neighborhood houses come alive at night as darkness begins before dinner.

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Morning fog in Los Angeles winters
Source: bjaffe/blogger

The end of the year has become a tradition to celebrate with dear friends. To force ourselves to stay up until midnight as we watch Times Square and the ball drop, hailing in yet another new year with great promise for what is to come and letting go of what wasn’t quite so wonderful during the past year.  This is the season of hope, of knowing that we have a new year ahead, of a clean slate, with our silent prayers of good health for us and our loved ones so we can enjoy our days—our seasons. This is my winter.

Spring shows through the fullness of our trees and the “cool” 65-70-degree weather. We in Los Angeles have not come out of a deep thaw or a winter of shoveling snow, but metaphorically my soul has. We move our clocks ahead one hour, so it is lighter later and I can walk my dear, sweet Emma after dinner.  When the sun continues through early evening, I have less interest in curling up by a fire despite the outside temperature. More people are out and about.  Spring means we have a hint of summer coming, to see what the sun can really do.  We come together at our Seder and sense the potential for rebirth and promise. This is my spring.

bjaffe/blogger
Gorgeous spring and summer!
Source: bjaffe/blogger

Despite the brilliant sun that is fairly constant in Los Angeles, we do have seasons. Yet, they are not ones always based on weather, but rather on the experiences and memories I hold so dear:  the celebration of holidays, my family coming together, and an understanding that life cycles move along within the rhythmic passage of our seasons.

Personal Perspectives
Subtitle: 
We have seasons in California, for they are much more than changes in weather.
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Journey to Healing
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Seasons are so much more than changing weather: they are memories of poignant changes within my family and myself, the ebbs and flows of schedules and routines.
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Separating Families at the Border

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One of the themes of my blog has been the way we generally agree on how others should be treated (the Golden Rule), but we don’t agree on which others to include in our ethical embrace. Just the Jews? Or Samaritans, too? At one extreme, the narcissist and psychopath include only themselves in the orbit of ethical or empathic treatment. At the other, some people include all animals or all living things, recognizing as it were that even bugs and weeds are distant cousins of ours. Thus, an ethical approach to separated families at the border must begin with whether it is an ethical problem in the first place, and for many Americans, it’s not.

In the current political climate, if you get upset about one thing it means you’re not sufficiently upset about something else. If you focus on the injustice of police brutality, you are soft on crime, and if you believe that liberty means responsibility for one’s actions, then you are indifferent to racism. I wrote a sketch for our defunct in-house comedy troupe on this topic, in which a woman is sent to a doctor for “outrage alignment.” The doctor, “an orthopedic-ethicist … a chiropractic-moralist … a podiatrist for the soul,” does some tests that reveal that the woman is more upset about that dentist shooting that lion than she is about cops shooting black people. “Let’s see, Cecil the Lion should fall between income disparity and the Patriots cheating, but you’ve got it all up here with the Holocaust.” The doctor defends the practice of conditioning the proper alignment: “Change doesn’t come from activism—not directly. Activism realigns outrage, which is what I do without all the rhetoric.”

It’s not just activism that realigns outrage (by calling attention to it with a sympathetic narrative). What is even more effective is humanizing pictures and stories about those of concern, the most effective version of which is to actually meet people who have been mistreated. The news media used to be responsible for conveying such images, but now such media are largely bifurcated. I imagine MSNBC is showing plenty of pictures of desperate children while Fox is showing pictures of illegal immigrants who committed violent crimes. You can be for helping the former and deporting the latter.

Daniel Kahneman, in Thinking Fast and Slow, cited a study that showed that, when asked separately, people donate more money to protect the breeding grounds of dolphins than to provide skin-cancer testing for farmers. The analysis was that people evaluate dolphin breeding in a frame of environmental concerns, where it seems pretty important, and they evaluate skin-cancer testing in a frame of public health, where it seems pretty unimportant (compared to other public health needs). However, when people were asked about the two causes at the same time, they donated more money to the farmers. But I don’t currently see any simultaneous presentations of competing concerns.

So, it’s pointless to highlight the suffering of children at our border when the message conveyed by such highlighting to a third of Americans is that working-class White people don’t matter. Perhaps it would help to preface such concerns with genuine concerns about the well-being of the Republican base, but I’ve only seen that done cynically.

Tolstoy’s last novel, Resurrection, is a polemic against prisons, but the prisons he rails against allowed parents to keep their children. Prison conditions were bad enough to arouse his ire but, at that time, not so bad that one would balk at leaving a child in one. His analysis on the problem of cruelty is relevant today, and it predates Arendt’s “banality of evil” by 64 years: “Suppose a problem in psychology was set: What can be done to persuade the men of our time — Christians, humanitarians or, simply, kindhearted people — into committing the most abominable crimes with no feeling of guilt? There could be only one way: to do precisely what is being done now, namely, to make them governors, inspectors, officers, policemen, and so forth; which means, first, that they must be convinced of the existence of a kind of organization called ‘government service,’ allowing men to be treated like inanimate objects and banning thereby all human brotherly relations with them; and secondly, that the people entering this ‘government service’ must be so unified that the responsibility for their dealings with men would never fall on any one of them individually.”

Politics
Subtitle: 
Who deserves our ethical embrace?
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Feeling Our Way
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Are your outrages properly aligned?
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Suicide: A Cause Celebre That Goes Beyond Celebs

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kwest / DepositPhotos
Source: kwest / DepositPhotos

Suicide—It's the 10th leading cause of death, as every 12 minutes another life is lost to it. And, it's frighteningly prevalent in the United States. It’s estimated that for every person who commits suicide, six people are intimately impacted. Sadly, it often takes the suicide of celebrities to bring the tragic issue back into the spotlight. Loved ones and society at large try to understand and attach meaning to seemingly senseless acts. It’s human nature to want answers: to fill in the blanks. How could someone who appeared to have everything—wealth, success, fame, a family—possibly choose to take their own life? And in different circumstances, how can a teenager with everything still ahead of him or her decide to stop living?  Inevitably, survivors ask, “What warning signs did I miss?” “Could I have said or done anything to prevent it?”

These are the natural questions that get asked in the wake of such tragedies. I have worked with several families as well as therapists who have had to process a suicide, and their pain and confusion is palpable. As a trauma therapist, I try to help people process the relentless barrage of internal questioning and the myriad intense emotions that accompany such loss. In reality, there are never “good enough” answers to the painful questions that surround a suicide.

“Ultimately no one can control another human being and their choices.”

Ultimately, it’s important to accept that the decision to end one’s life is the sole responsibility of the person who does so. When others attempt to insert themselves into the equation by imagining what they could have done to prevent it, they are trying to take back a sense of power and control that suicide has taken from them. It can be humbling and frightening to realize that ultimately no one can control another human being and their choices. Yet with support, it can also be freeing to grieve and then accept that reality. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and Alliance of Hope have excellent resources for loved ones who have lost someone to suicide. It’s critically important to focus on the support that family and friends need and deserve to navigate the shock, grief, anger, and other complex feelings that can be emotionally overwhelming.

Shifting from “Why did it happen?” to “What can I do with it now?”

When the timing is right, in addition to helping to extricate loved ones from the “guilt,” I try to help them shift from “Why did it happen?” to “What can I do with it now?”  In time, survivors can actually begin to attach some degree of meaning: a way in which the loss can yield new thinking, a behavioral change, a new perspective, a call to action. Perhaps we can begin to attach meaning by using the now constant reminder of recent celebrity suicides as an opportunity to take seriously the impact of undiagnosed or inadequately treated depression, substance abuse, or the traumatic life events that haunt people who become suicidal.  We need to urge those who are struggling and in pain to reach out for support before choosing a permanent solution to temporary, albeit overwhelming problems.

Hotlines such as The National Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-273-8255) can truly help. They are typically staffed by trained mental health professionals who can provide insight, perspective, resources, and alternatives to ending one’s life. Texting CONNECT to 741741, the Crisis Textline, is another good option. Since the decision to end one’s life is typically an impulsive act done in isolation, having access to a phone and a hotline or text number can be potentially life-saving.

There are also excellent websites that identify the warning signs of suicidal ideation as well as providing good resources. Save.org is a great example. The Trevor Project is a good website offering resources and crisis and suicide prevention for LGBTQ youth.

Suicide and Social Media

It’s just as important to take seriously the postings on social media that either indirectly allude to suicidal ideation or explicitly describe someone’s intention and plan. Teenagers, in particular, use social media to anonymously communicate their struggles and their pain. I always encourage parents who feel concerned about their child’s emotional wellbeing to have access to their social media and pay attention to their pictures and posts.

Although there is often a degree of voyeurism and sensationalism attached to reports of celebrity suicides, they help to shine a necessary spotlight on a far-reaching problem that impacts countless people and leaves behind intense suffering in its wake. However, therapists should be aware that celebrity suicides often create a spike of additional attempts, “normalizing” the behavior and presenting it as a viable option to those who suffer in silence.

Therapy
Subtitle: 
How to address the traumatic impact of suicide in your practice.
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Healing Trauma’s Wounds
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Want to know what the most frightening prevalent cause of death is in the United States is? The answer might just surprise you.
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The Value of Simple Reassurance

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We were taught in graduate school that when patients are anxious about their condition, it’s important to reassure them as much as possible: to tell them that they have little to worry about and progress is being made, or that they are not as bad off as they fear. Giving simple reassurance can also be really helpful in your relationships and personal life.

When your loved ones get nervous about life, love, or the pursuit of happiness, one of the best things you can do is to let them know that things will be okay. If your medical doctor were to inform you that what you have is a cold and not pneumonia after all, he or she would likely start by saying that even though you feel may like death warmed over, all your tests results are fine and you just need to rest and take care of yourself until you feel better. Upon hearing this, suddenly your fears would start to melt away and your condition would improve a little. Same thing applies to your loved ones.

My wife and I have a lot of faith in each other, and if the stress of the day gets to either one of us, we instinctively are there to help lift the other out of the worry pit. There are also times when your mate will see your mood start to turn before you even notice it. Allowing him or her to ask how you are feeling, and to ask again if you don’t immediately share, will help both of you understand what is actually happening. Then you can do something about it.

Perhaps you will decide to take a walk or even a nap. Maybe there is some work to do around the house. Any activity will help, even watching a movie together. This gives the person who is struggling a chance to heal before an unpleasant mood can take over. It also serves as a bonding experience with your partner. Couples who are open about their emotions have the ability to reassure each other, and that is a true gift. No one can calm me down like the woman I love.

Sometimes, depending on the situation, you may find it difficult to give someone in your life the reassurance he or she needs. Perhaps you have gotten tired of being “the strong one” or you have pulled away because you feel that your energy is being drained. This is all real, and it happens to even those with a heart of gold and the best of intentions. We can all get burnt out when someone we love is too needy. That’s human. The thing you need to remember is that the two of you are in this together, so it’s a good idea to have a backup in case you can’t muster the energy at the moment, someone else who may be able to step in for you when needed. If you are in a caregiving situation, this is a must to help keep you from being too affected by the fallout.

Couples who share their feelings, both good and bad, are closer than partners who just try to tough it out. Remember that your mate is not your therapist, but if you have an understanding that talking about your feelings is something you do in your relationship, then the bad stuff can be eased by the gentle and loving reassurance of your partner in life.

Anxiety
Subtitle: 
The right words at the right time can make all the difference.
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Emotional Fitness
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When patients are anxious about their condition, it’s important to reassure them as much as possible and remind them that progress is being made.
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Yes, Your Toddler or Teen Is Frustrating and Foolish

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Thuy Nguyen/Flickr
Source: Thuy Nguyen/Flickr

The brain is amazing. When you encounter a newborn baby, it seems miraculous they will grow up—with any luck, and a lot of hard work—with the capacity to take pleasure in nature, get an education, organize their life, fall in love, do some kind of productive work, and so much more.

That kind of change over time—from a helpless infant to a fully functioning adult—depends on a brain that develops, one synapse at a time, in an extraordinarily complex way, highly sensitive to the environment the baby, child, and teenager encounter, moment to moment, day to day.

A parent who knows something about how the brain develops can respond much more intelligently to the challenges and frustrations their child presents, demanding only what the child is capable of doing, and being patient with the work in progress that is the miracle of their developing brain.

A toddler is derailed by a trivial frustration—losing a toy, being asked to sit still, not getting another cookie—and the parent gets annoyed. “Really?” they might be forgiven for asking, “Are you really having a fit because you have to wait thirty seconds?” It might help you be patient with meltdowns if you knew that toddlers don’t have the necessary tools for managing their upsets. They don’t have the brain capacity to put their disappointments into context, to soothe themselves, or regulate their responses. Based on current research findings, it turns out that punishing young children for being difficult is not only unfair, but it’s also counter-productive. It just makes the little one feel more powerless and angrier.

Teenagers can be even more challenging than toddlers. They can seem to be fully mature in one situation, and then turn around and do something dangerously childish. Despite the appearance of obstinate defiance, a lot of that variability is driven by an anatomically immature brain. The prefrontal cortex that regulates insight, self-awareness, planning, decision-making, and conflict management won’t be fully developed until sometime in their mid-twenties, or even later. As with toddlers, there is lots you can do to support your teen in moving safely toward a successful adulthood, but criticism and harsh consequences aren’t helpful. As with younger children, it’s neither fair nor useful to punish foolish behaviour that results from a brain in progress.

By understanding that your child’s brain is developing, right from conception and across the lifespan, you can interact more positively and more productively with them. Instead of getting irritated or worried because your child is not behaving like an adult, try to remember that their brain is in the process of development, one neuron and one synapse at a time. Instead of seeing bad behavior as your child’s disciplinary problem, look at it as a self-discipline challenge for yourself. Find ways to develop your own maturity and self-regulation skills, so you can support your child in moving beyond their childishness, by appreciating the miracle that is their brain in progress.

Neuroscientist Jay Giedd told PBS’s “Frontline” that "The more technical and more advanced the science becomes, the more it leads us back to some very basic tenets...With all the science and with all the advances, the best advice we can give is things that our grandmother could have told us generations ago: to spend loving, quality time with our children." Similarly, Ellen Galinsky, chief science officer at the Bezos Family Foundation, concludes, "Even though the public perception is about building bigger and better brains, what the research shows is that it's the relationships, it's the connections, it's the people in children's lives who make the biggest difference."

What’s the bottom line meaning of the research on neural plasticity and brain development through childhood and adolescence? Be the grownup in the family. Be kind, present, patient, and loving with the beautiful work in progress that is your child's developing brain. 

For more on brain development in childhood and adolescence:

Brain Architecture,” by Harvard University Center on the Developing Child

Frequently Asked Questions About Brain Development,” by Zero to Three

Inside Your Teenager’s Scary Brain,” by Tamsin McMahon

Age of Opportunity, by Laurence Steinberg  

The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist’s Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults, by Frances Jensen

Neural Development and Lifelong Plasticity,” by Charles Nelson in Nature and Nurture in Early Child Development, Edited by Daniel P Keating  

Neuroscience of Cognitive Development, by Charles Nelson, Michelle de Han, and Kathleen Thomas  

Neuroscience for Kids,” by Eric Chudler

Inside the Teenage Brain,” by NPR’s Frontline

Parenting
Subtitle: 
But wait! Don’t punish them for bad behavior resulting from a brain in progress.
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Going Beyond Intelligence
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Brain research findings show the best way to respond to annoying or foolish behavior is by treating it as a learning opportunity for you and your child.
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Schools are Not a "Pipeline to Prison"

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A lot has been said recently about America’s schools serving as a pathway to prison for many youths. Inherent in such an assertion is that our schools are failing to provide adequate guidance and resources to help disturbed boys and girls. Articles appear in the printed media lambasting educational practices of secluding, restraining, or expelling students because educators cannot manage them. An example is a headline on May 27, 2018 in The Washington Post: “’It’s a cage’: Outrage Over school seclusion.” The Post stated, “Thousands of schoolchildren, most of whom have disabilities, are involuntarily confined in U.S. schools each year.”

A key word is “disability,” which is used to embrace a huge variety of problems that children have.  It is essential to distinguish children who have what are termed “conduct disorders” from children who suffer from other conditions such as autism, developmental delays, and learning disabilities.

There are children who maintain an “I dare you to teach me" attitude. These chronically disruptive students usurp time, attention, and resources that should be expended on their classmates. The problem is not simply that they refuse to perform academically even though they are intellectually capable of doing the work. Nearly any teacher who has had experience with chronically defiant kids has found that they make extraordinary demands on their time. These are not simply chatterboxes or “class clowns.” They keep the classroom in turmoil and, at their worst, they commit crimes in the classroom – theft, assault, and vandalism.

It is a tremendous disservice to allow these students to remain in mainstream classrooms and victimize students who want to learn. It is unconscionable that motivated, well-behaved children come to school each day terrified that they may be bullied, shaken down for lunch money, or threatened in other ways.

Chronically disruptive students exhaust the efforts of educators who endeavor to employ the least restrictive alternative in helping them. Disciplinary measures that are effective with kids who misbehave now and then are of little value with this population. Consider a very large eight-year-old-boy who assaulted other children, turned over furniture when he became enraged, and posed a continuing threat to any staff member who attempted to discipline him. If such a student cannot be removed from the classroom, what is the teacher to do with him? Parents of these children experience similar difficulties. If the school’s policies are carefully explained to them, based on their own experience, they may understand why a particular disciplinary measure is being used.

Restraint, seclusion, or exclusion may be necessary not only to help such a student get his behavior under control but also to ensure the safety of those around him. If the chronically defiant student ends up in a detention center, it is likely to happen only after parents, teachers, and others have tried many other ways to help him but were rejected at every turn. The child rejects the school. The school does not reject the child.

If a child requires restraint or seclusion, such measures must be imposed with constant monitoring. Teachers want to teach, and most genuinely like kids. They are not inclined to exclude children or restrain them. Most will go the extra mile to work with a child. Eventually, even with an extremely positive approach, the boy or girl with the conduct disorder will reject whatever the teacher is attempting to do. Extreme measures are sometimes necessary to deal with a pattern of recurring extreme behavior. This has nothing to do with harshness or abusing children. Quite the contrary.  Seclusion or restraint may be the most humane methods for managing behavior that endangers lives.

Perhaps, as the Post article points out, there need to be more specific regulations governing seclusion and restraint so that these measures are not imposed for minor behavioral problems. The fact is that school personnel walk a tightrope in managing chronically disruptive students. If they restrain or isolate a violent child, they risk getting into trouble with administrators or parents, dragged into court, or assaulted by friends of the misbehaving child. But school staff can also get into difficulty if they take no action and a child is harmed.

If students who pose a danger to others are to be educated in public schools, an investment must be made in developing closely-monitored programs in a highly structured environment well-staffed by trained teachers and aides to work with these criminals-in-the-making. If these students respond well, they can earn their way back into the mainstream classroom.

When a child like those described above ends up in a detention facility, it is not usually not because of what the school has done (although it is convenient to blame schools). Rather, it is in spite of what teachers, parents, and others have tried to do in order to steer the boy or girl onto a more positive path. The child ends up in the criminal justice system after other avenues have been exhausted.

Law and Crime
Subtitle: 
Who rejects whom?
Blog to Post to: 
Inside the Criminal Mind
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Restraint, seclusion, or exclusion may be the most humane measures to manage chronically disruptive students who victimize students who want to learn.
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Jordan Peterson: Unstoic about Women

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Author's copy
Source: Author's copy

Jordan Peterson, public intellectual and best-selling author of a Quora-answer-turned-into-book-of-life-advice titled "Twelve Rules for Life," has been defensive about being regarded as dismissive of women. 

And yet, in a recent presentation, he was asked what conservative women could do to end the "war on men." A New York  Times reporter recorded Peterson's answer. It was that women should "manifest courageous faith" in the men in their lives, and not just their spouses. 

Others have pointed out that women being told to put your faith in men seems to imply "and not trust yourself so much." It also seems to be a pointed thing for him to suggest in light of how many people have just become convinced that women do suffer from harassment and intimidation, after noting media attention to the #metoo campaign.

But I would like to quickly focus, once again, on how opposed Peterson's recommendations are from another popular approach to self-help, Stoicism. 

Stoicism has some time-tested life advice, some of which has been incorporated into Cognitive Behavior Therapy (which seems to be effective for various disorders, such as anxiety, bulimia, and anger control problems). A Stoic (or CBT) approach would not suggest we blame our problems with ourselves on not being "believed in" sufficiently by other people (or on not "believing in" other people sufficiently, for that matter). 

Waiting on society to value men more than it currently does, or for women to finally give men what they "need" in the form of faith, is a strange deflection, the Stoics argue, from what only you can be responsible for.

The idea that someone else's outlook or view of us is holding us back is something Stoicism handles quite carefully.  Sometimes it is simply true that this is the case. For example, some of the ancient Stoics were in fact enslaved. Being enslaved is like other "enforced" social restrictions in this sense: they are "not up to us." And so, says the Stoic Epictetus, we should not hold ourselves responsible for them nor see ourselves reflected in them. We should focus on what is instead "up to us."

Sometimes this will mean we maintain dignity in the face of the most incredible injustices. Despite these, we do what we can with ourselves. What has been regarded as valuable in Stoicism is the idea that you have lost no dignity, no proper self-regard, even if society has treated you perfectly unjustly. 

As Rachana Kamekar explains, for the Stoics, "one's self-evaluative judgments" help constitute who we are. It's just our own judgments that are "up to us" and that can do this. 

For Peterson to be insisting that there is a crisis among men today and that the solution could possibly be that women have more "courageous faith" in men is a full reversal of the Stoic message.

Ethics and Morality
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If women manifest courageous faith in men, what does this solve?
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For the Love of Wisdom
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To insist that there is a crisis among men today and that the solution is that women have more "courageous faith" in men is a full reversal of the Stoic notion of ethics.
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Epictetus's Discourses can be read online, thanks to the Classics Department at MIT, here. 


APA Urges Trump to Change Immigration Policy

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The American Psychological Association has written a letter to President Trump, warning of the lasting psychological harm of family separation and asking the administration to reconsider its immigration policy.

Decades of research have demonstrated that family separation can lead to anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder, among other conditions, the organization writes. They ask that the administration alter its immigration policy so that families can stay together throughout the legal process and obtain physical and mental health services.

Sherry V Smith/Shutterstock
A section of the U.S.-Mexico border fence between San Diego and Tijuana.
Source: Sherry V Smith/Shutterstock

“Based on empirical evidence of the psychological harm that children and parents experience when separated, we implore you to reconsider this policy and commit to the more humane practice of housing families together pending immigration proceedings to protect them from further trauma,” reads the June 14 letter, signed by APA president Jessica Henderson Daniel and APA chief executive officer Arthur Evans Jr.

The letter comes as a response to the Trump administration’s new “zero-tolerance” immigration policy. On May 7, Attorney General Jeff Sessions declared that anyone who attempts to cross the border between the United States and Mexico will be prosecuted. As a result, children have been removed from their parents during legal proceedings—nearly 2,000 children in the six weeks between April 19 and May 31, according to the Associated Press.

The APA previously released a statement about the perils of family separation in late May. The organization wrote the new letter to take a stronger stance as separations continued, Evans says: “As we’ve seen the issue escalate, we’ve also escalated our advocacy and our voice.”

One important element to consider is the duration of the separation, he says, because the longer children are away from their parents, the more likely they are to develop harmful physical and psychological problems.

“I think the country is pretty unified in that as a matter of government policy, we should not be in the business of hurting children and families,” Evans says. “We should have policies that line up with that reality and line up with science.”

The psychological trauma of separation stems from the interconnection of neurological growth and social growth, explains Lisa Fortuna, the medical director of medicine and adolescent psychiatry at Boston University School of Medicine. Children develop a sense of relational concepts such as attachment and safety as the neural pathways that govern critical systems like fear response are still growing. When a parent disappears, the brain is flooded by stress and fear, and nascent pathways can become impaired. The initial impairment can ultimately lead to anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder, Fortuna says.

“When the parent is not there, it’s almost as if you were trying to walk a tightrope and someone pulls the rope out from under you,” Fortuna said. “The person at the center of your being—who keeps you safe, alive, warm, fed, and loves you—is gone. It’s like taking everything away from you that holds you up. That in itself is a traumatic event.”

Furthermore, immigrant children are often escaping stressful or violent experiences in their home country. Love and support from their parents help children cope with the situation and decrease the likelihood they go on to develop anxiety or depression. “The closeness, even being able to see one another, has biological implications for how that child responds to stress,” Fortuna says. Stripping the child from their guardian decreases the chances the child will emerge unscathed from the stressful circumstances.

The effects of the family separations currently occurring at the border have not yet been documented. But scientists can extrapolate from data on young immigrants who are unaccompanied minors or seeking asylum, Fortuna says. In these populations, around 30 to 40 percent of children have post-traumatic stress disorder and around 50 percent of children have anxiety.

The psychological toll of family separation stretches even further beyond the individuals at the border, says Joanna Dreby, a sociologist at the University of Albany who focuses on immigration. Dreby has studied immigrant children who were separated from their parents and those who were not. The separated children exhibited upsetting behaviors, such as inexplicable crying, an inability to concentrate in school, and feeling like “their heads had exploded,” she says.

But children whose parents were not detained or deported were also affected by deep fear and insecurity that their parents would be taken, she notes. “The government is using fear to police our borders, and that has an impact on children who live far from the borders, who live in families with immigrant parents all over the country,” Dreby says. “That’s the devastating fallout.”

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The organization is highlighting the psychological danger of family separation.
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Dogs and Humans Have Similar Social and Emotional Brains

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TGIF (Thank Goodness It’s Friday)! Even better, it’s Friday night! After a week of trying to appease your boss at work in order to bring home your much-needed paycheck, it is finally time to retreat to the safest and sweetest of all places: your home. First, you stop by your favorite Neapolitan pizza place to get the most delicious Margherita Pie for carry-out. At home, you get comfortable, grab a cold beer, and sit down to devour your pizza (while watching The Americans season finale together with your best buddy, your dog; can it get better than this?). 

But, suddenly, there is a knock at the door. It is your boss, with his usual friendly assertiveness! He sits at your table, pours some of your beer into a glass and starts devouring your pizza. You watch in disbelief! But he is your boss in the end and you don’t want to lose your job. So, you swallow your pride and anger and don’t say anything. What a stressful Friday night! Your safe haven has been invaded and your beloved pizza has been stolen (and you don’t even know how The Americans ended; can it get worse than this?).

Unfortunately, the nightmare is not over that night. He knocks on the door again a few weeks later! Same scenario, same upset. This time you voice your disappointment, but at a mumble which he probably does not hear. Then it happens a third time, just one week later. This time you really lose your temper – you shout at him and emphatically kick him out of your home. Well done, right?  Sure, he is your boss and you have to listen to him at work, where he has authority because social rules say so. But at your home you are the only boss!

But, wait a minute. Can you please explain why you complain about your dog growling when you take his food away?  No, “my dog loves me, but I don’t love my boss” is not the right answer. What would you do if your partner, whom you love very much, ate your share of the pizza every night? Would he/she be able to get away with an “Oh, I love you”? Probably not. At work or home, we develop social bonds of a different nature and we struggle to respect social rules to keep a peaceful and stable environment. Nevertheless, we are not willing to accept any challenge or threat from our mates in the name of love or hierarchy. The acceptance of social rules may be dependent on the context in which an interaction occurs. This is why you may be willing to follow your boss’ directions about work-related matters, but not about your private life. Conversely, if you are an orthopedic surgeon married to an attorney, you may not be willing to follow your wife’s directions on how to fix a fracture no matter how much you love her. 

Your beloved dog may do everything you ask of him during a training class, but then bark and growl when you try to push him off the couch at home. Don’t take it personally; he is not trying to rule the house. He is just trying to make it clear that he does not like to be pushed off when he is resting (who does?). Dogs experience the same struggle between social bonds and conflict, with some additional difficulties. The dog brain has a better-developed cerebral cortex than do many comparable small animals (such as cats!), which allows dogs to express complex social behavior with their own kind and humans. However, the canine cortex still pales in comparison to the richness of the human brain cortex. Our brains make it possible for us to live in high-density cities with minimal conflicts, to adapt to a variety of very different environments, and to share deeply complex thoughts in words. 

But we all know that human relationships are not all and only about love and being social. Even though we are the most evolved social species on Planet Earth, we still need our safe spaces, resources and personal safety. When we feel that these are challenged or threatened, stress, fear, and anxiety take over. Sometimes we even become aggressive. The part of the brain that is responsible for these emotions, the limbic system, is very similar between humans and dogs. For this reason, it is likely that dogs experience these emotions in the same way we do. 

Among many other functions, the cortex is responsible for modulating these emotions and making sure that they don’t take over at the wrong time. This is why we don’t hit the doctor who causes us pain! Having a more developed cortex, humans have better control of their emotions than do dogs. The bigger cortex also confers more sophisticated language to humans and a better ability to mediate conflicts. 

All of this can explain why dogs struggle more than people to keep peace and harmony between themselves and the humans in their lives. They are attached to humans and willing to share their lives, but they want to feel safe in an environment that is almost entirely controlled by humans. Therefore, we should not be surprised if a dog growls at his caregiver when his food is taken away. This dog is not trying to dominate the world or betray the person who feeds him. Rather, he is just making sure that he can eat his food in peace. It is the responsibility of the individual with the bigger and more developed brain to ensure that this happens without an emotional meltdown, whether the individual with a less developed brain is a dog or a child (a.k.a. human puppy).

I often recommend that my students and clients turn on their TVs and listen to the news. They can hear how frequently fear, anxiety and aggression prevail in the social behavior of humans. If we, the smart creatures, are not able to create a world of sustained peace, why don’t we tolerate even a growly “no” from our dogs?

A similar brain also means sharing similar behavior problems. Social relationships can be a source of stress, anxiety and fear for humans and dogs. A very strong social bond can cause separation anxiety, as happens in both children and dogs. Social conflicts with other individuals can trigger compulsive behaviors and self-mutilation, or anger and impulsive aggression. Abusive relationships can provoke permanent damage in social behavior and emotions, with a persistent negative emotional state, detachment and inability to experience positive emotions. In fact, a PSTD-like disorder has been identified in dogs. 

In conclusion, understanding that we share our sociability and emotions with dogs can help us develop a better sense of empathy for them. Being human is not easy, and neither is being a dog. Because we have the greatest cognitive abilities and have decided to make dogs part of our human-controlled world, it is our moral duty to be sensitive to their needs, and to care for their emotional welfare as well as their health

Penn Vet Behavior Clinic
Source: Penn Vet Behavior Clinic

Carlo Siracusa, DVM, MS, PhD, DACVB, DECAWBM

Animal Behavior Service, School of Veterinary Medicine, University of Pennsylvania

Philadelphia, PA 19104

Animal Behavior
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But dogs struggle the most in a society that they do not always understand.
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Decoding Your Pet
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Humans and dogs share similar social behavior and emotions, but are likely to misunderstand each other because they speak different languages. It's up to us to bridge that gap.
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In Defense of Alone Time

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People often think I’m an extrovert. And I understand why: I love hosting parties and events, I have a rich social life, and I’m very comfortable speaking to large groups. But like a true introvert, I recharge in the quiet, solitary moments. It’s where I do my best thinking. It’s where I gain clarity. Creating ample time for solitude makes me a better person.

But the need to retreat is not exclusively the realm of introverts. Everyone — social butterflies and shy, silent types alike — needs regular time out of time, away from it all.


The value of taking time to retreat from the chaos of everyday life is something I talk about in my new book, Startup Your Life: Hustle and Hack Your Way To Happiness.  There is value in being alone.  “Unbusying” yourself is a great first step, but it goes beyond that: Carving out moments of solitude — particularly when immersed in nature— provides a respite of mind/body/spirit. It also gives us the space to recharge and rejoin the social world stronger and better than before. Quiet retreat and contemplative reflection allows us to go deeper, think bigger, and act with greater consciousness. Sometimes limiting what and to whom we have access delivers the greatest bounty.

Anna Akbari
Source: Anna Akbari

This week I am surrounded by the beautiful Idaho mountains. Normally a creature of the sea, I am struck by the marked difference in the energy of the two environments. The hypnotic roar and constant flow of the ocean yields an immense intensity, and it invigorates my body with its negative ions (negative ions, ironically, have a very positive effect on us). The mountains, however, whisper softly in calm stillness. The air is different up there. Serenity envelops you.

And while a week in the wilderness like this one is idyllic, it’s not always feasible. But it need not be all or nothing (so brush aside that excuse!).  Whether it’s a daily walk in a local park or a day trip out of the city, finding a way to escape the clamor of everyday life is worth the effort. Some extreme extroverts may resist — in a hyper-connected world, being alone can feel scary. We’re accustomed to chatter and constant validation of our every thought. So listening exclusively to your own voice, with no immediate external validation, may seem daunting. But you will reap the benefits when you do re-emerge back into the hubbub — carrying a piece of that solitary comfort with you.

“Alone” isn’t a dirty word. So relish in your own company. Luxuriate in solitude. And make alone time a priority.

I’d love to know how you create space for alone time — is it something that comes naturally or do you struggle with it? What does it do for you? Let me know in the comments section.

Anna Akbari
Source: Anna Akbari
Happiness
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Why solitude is underrated.
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Do you fear alone time? It may be just the thing you need.
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A Few Good Men

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Are Millennial Men Rejecting “Manhood”?

By Douglas LaBier Ph.D.

A major evolution is underway among millennial men and women in their values.
U.S. Navy photo/Petty Officer 2nd Class Todd Frantom)/Released

Why Combat Vets Love Jordan Peterson

By Meaghan Mobbs

The need for benevolent monsters.
The Big Stall

The Big Stall

By Hara Estroff Marano

At school, on the job, and in mating life, young men are making no progress and even backsliding.
IStock by Getty Images

The Truth About Sexual Differences

By Joe Kort, Ph.D.

Generalization of men is the enemy of understanding

Dodging Your Emotions?

By Edward A. Selby

The definition of manhood
As women have advanced academically and professionally, a good number of men have fallen behind and sometimes with dysfunction. In this modern day, men are told to be sensitive to emotions as well as tough like the alpha dragon-slayer. It's a confusing landscape, to be sure. If we're going to make sense of this new terrain, do we need to rethink manhood?

“I Would Never Sleep With a Trump Supporter”

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“I would never sleep with a Trump supporter, though I slept with a few of Bush supporters.” A liberal single woman

“I would not be able to marry a man who is a leftist, even if I found him very attractive—although most of the men I have slept with are leftists." A conservative divorcee

“I can’t stop hooking up with Trump supporters.” Korey Lane

Political views are vital in choosing spouses, but their role in hooking up is less clear. We may not want to live with our political enemy, but what’s wrong with having sex with him?

Factors that are relevant to this issue are (a) the depth of the relationship; (b) the negativity seen in the political view, (c) the person’s support of this view, and (d) the person’s traits that are unrelated to the political view.

The depth of the relationship

The depth of our relationship with someone determine the types of traits that are relevant for us. The deeper the relationship, the more traits of this person become relevant. Thus, in choosing a spouse, many more profound traits of the person are relevant than is the case in choosing a sexual partner. Hence, spouses, and romantic partners in general, show strong similarity in political and religious attitudes. Our conservative divorcee, makes clear, she would never marry a leftist, but most of her lovers have been leftists.

Are we to understand that leftists make better lovers? As I am not aware of any research supporting this claim, I tend to account for her feelings by noting that in the short term, opposites attract, but that in the long term, similarity is more significant.

Of course, casual sexual relationships come in different flavors: one-night stands, booty calls, fuck buddies, and friends with benefits. While in the case of friends with benefits, political issues are likely to be relevant, one can have a one-night stand without a lot of talking, and especially not about political issues.

The negativity seen in the political view

The depth of the negativity seen in a given political view, and its connection to moral issues, is another factor in deciding whether or not to sleep with your (political) enemy. Political attitudes are associated with moral ones, but the connection can be of various degrees. The negativity can refer to major issues, which are related to significant immoral, criminal deeds, and minor issues, which are more a question of taste.

Let’s take the liberal woman mentioned above: she does not consider her disagreement with Trump a matter of politics as much as a matter of good versus evil. Hence, although she would never sleep with a Trump supporter, she slept with a few Bush supporters; apparently, her opposition to Bush’s conservative policy was indeed a matter of politics rather than profound moral lines. She even mentioned in a nostalgic tone that the conservative president Ronald Reagan was the president who enlarged, more than any other president, American national parks.

The person’s support of this view

The depth of the person’s support of the negative view is another relevant factor in deciding whether or not to hook up with someone supporting the “wrong” political view. There are, of course, various degrees of support. Thus, one can support the “wrong” view while criticizing some basic elements of this view but thinking that there is no better choice. Alternatively, one can show extreme and absolute support in the “wrong”, and this will be evident even in the first meeting, thus being a big sexual turn off.

The person’s traits

The qualities of the other person are also very significant in determining whether to pursue the sexual encounter. If the person is kind, sensitive, and considerate, it will be easier to initiate the sexual encounter despite his “wrong” political view.

The problem here is somewhat similar to that in loving a criminal. In Britney Spears’ song (written by Martin, Shellback and Amber), she says, “He is a hustler, he's no good at all, he is a loser, he's a bum, he lies, he bluffs, he's unreliable, he is a sucker with a gun,” but Mama, I'm in love with him. She further explains that this love “isn't rational, it's physical,” but, she continues, he is okay for me. Loving a criminal may be sexually exciting in the short term, but for moral people, the immoral nature of the criminal will significantly hinder establishing a flourishing romantic relationship.

If the person is highly sexually satisfying, then even if your head says that he is the wrong person as he has such an appalling political view, it is quite hard stop hooking up with him. As Korey Lane (2017) nicely puts it concerning her hooking up with Trump supporter, this is probably not a sustainable relationship that she would to have in the long run, but “for right now I can highly recommend hooking up with someone whose politics you hate. As long as you don’t forget to vote.”

Concluding remarks

“I sleep with a Trump supporter every night, but I am happy to have a lover who is different, as I love to talk a lot with my lover.” A liberal married woman

Our society seems more politically polarized than ever, and politics is a popular partner in the bedroom. Should we have the feeling of sleeping with the enemy while having sex with a person with different political view?

There is no golden rule for when to wed someone with opposing political views (though extreme opposition tends to be destructive) and when to keep the relation at the level of a hook-up. There are many factors to consider and each has various degrees. However, since we are dealing here with a combination of two emotions, namely, love and hate, I would guess that following the heart here would often be the way to go.

Does Trump’s apparent success in Singapore open more romantic horizons for his supporters? Probably so, especially if endures. At the same time, the liberal woman’s romantic horizons may be further shrinking.

Relationships
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The impact of political views on hooking up
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Korey Lane, “Help, I can't stop hooking up with Trump supporters.” Glamour, September, 8, 2017.Lane, “Help, I can't stop hooking up with Trump supporters.” Glamour, September, 8, 2017.

5 Self-Sabotaging Things Unconfident People Do

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It's not necessary to have sky high self-confidence at all times.  In fact, there are benefits to having periods of self-doubt.   In my book, The Healthy Mind Toolkit, I write about how I've come to accept personally experiencing alternating self-confidence and self-doubt, and how I think this actually helps me produce the best work. 

Why You Don't Need to Fear Self-Doubt

There are tangible benefits to feeling unconfident. It can propel you to work harder, to look out for your own blindspots, and to identify ways you could improve.  Self-doubt can also make you more open to outside ideas, can prepare you to accept change, and make you more appreciative of support from others (because when you feel self-doubt you may feel like you need other people more). 

The trick is not to fear self-doubt.  It can be somewhat unpleasant to experience, but it only causes more extreme suffering if you panic about it.  Self-doubt doesn't necessarily mean anything catastrophic.  Just because you feel unconfident doesn't mean you're, for example, "useless," making poor decisions, or unliked by other people.   Doubt is a generally useful emotion that some people simply experience more than others.

What is the Problem with Self-Doubt?

While self-doubt itself isn't a problem, it can lead you to some problem behavior patterns. If you can avoid these traps then you can avoid experiencing any negative impact from self-doubt.

Here are five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:

1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.

If you lack self-confidence, you probably dismiss skills or knowledge you have as unimportant or assume everyone else knows what you know.

Don't assume that everyone else has the same strengths and thinking processes you do.  In teamwork situations you may very well have thought of a point or idea others have not thought of or have forgotten about.  Speak up.  Don't assume everyone has already thought of whatever you're thinking (also see point #5 here). 

A trigger for your self-doubt may be that, sometimes in group situations, it can seem like one particular type of skill is valued more than others (for example, all the engineers at your company are valued more highly than people in other roles).  Remember: diverse brains and backgrounds create the most effective groups and teams, even if people don't always recognize this.

2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.

It's easy to tie yourself in knots overthinking an issue, without realizing that you haven't actually asked for what you want.  Asking may provide an simple solution but, if you have self-doubt, you might not feel entitled to even express your preferences.  I had this situation recently when I was trying to book some hotel nights using rewards. The only rooms available using points had one king bed and I needed a room with two queens.  By simply calling the hotel and asking, I was able to get them to manually change the room type on the reservation.  Before you overthink a situation, make sure you've directly asked for what you want.  Do this before you start trying to think of other solutions and workarounds.

To be able to ask for what you want, you need to have some hope of possibly getting a "yes" response, while also realizing you have the capacity to handle being told no without spiraling into rumination about it.  It's mentally healthy to believe you're entitled to ask for what you want if you can accept not always getting it.

Check any false beliefs you might have about being assertive, for instance, that asking for what you want makes you obnoxious or will automatically be perceived negatively by others.

3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.

If you're not confident in certain areas, you may try to offload decisions in those domains to other people, even when your instinct is their decisions are wrong.   For example, you're nervous about investments so you tend to take the advice of an investment advisor who works for your bank. Logically you know that the investment advisor's job is to steer you into the bank's products and that they're going to be more concerned with doing that than with whatever is in your best interests.

Of course there's a case for deferring to someone who has expertise in an area, but it's also wise to use your own judgment.  This is when doubt is a handy emotion - it can alert you to when something might be the wrong course of action. 

Look out for any situations in which you're deferring a decision to someone who logically won't be as motivated or invested in making a good decision as you are.  

4.  Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.

There's a limited extent to which you can control other people's reactions. For example, you might want to propose a new idea to a teammate at your workplace. You overthink and overthink about how to say what you want to say to ensure that your idea will go down well.  

Or, you need to submit a proposal and you want to make absolutely sure the person you're pitching will like your idea.  It takes you weeks to submit anything because you're mentally going back and forth about whether any of your ideas are good enough to absolutely guarantee a positive response. Instead you could submit several ideas and just find out what the other person likes best.

The trick here is to accept that you can't perfectly control how someone will respond, and realize that trying to do that will result in decision paralysis.  Think about all the external and situational factors that affect how someone responds to an idea, such as their own biases, their mood at the time, and other circumstances that you might not even be aware of.

5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.

Let's say you made some poor investment decisions ten years ago.  You're scared of making a mistake again so you do nothing.  As a result you're not doing anything to save for your retirement and even missing out on some employer matching opportunities.  Or, a long time ago you made a decorating choice for your home that you regretted.  You'd like to do some updates in a new home but that one bad choice you made years ago is hanging over you.  

Of note, this type of avoiding action often causes relationship tension when your spouse/partner wants to move forward with action and you're too scared to do anything.

Intsead of total avoidance, identify the number one thing you need to learn from your past mistake.

Also, keep in mind that we often learn more from taking action than from thinking and research. Experiment with small or conservative actions where the impact of mistakes would be minimal, and make sure you consider the risks and costs of inaction.

Wrapping Up

Periods of self-doubt are nothing to be afraid of.  They can have considerable benefits but they're also associated with some particular behavioral traps.   When you understand these, you can utilize the positive aspects of self-doubt and minimize the negative.   If you're interested in learning more about common forms of self-sabotage and how to overcome them, you can also check out this article on 30 common types.

Get the first chapter of The Healthy Mind Toolkit free when you subscribe to my Psychology Today blog posts.

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Self-doubt won't cause you harm if you understand these traps.
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7 Signs of Societal Regression

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There are signals of large group regression, says psychiatrist Vamik Volkan who has for many years studied the psychology of national, political, and ethnic conflict around the world.

To "regress" means to revert to primitive modes of expressing oneself and relating to others. It entails less impulse control, a diminished tolerance for anxiety and reduced capacity for rational thinking such as the ability to make sound decisions. Regression is a response to anxiety and the internal signal that there is imminent threat or danger. Groups have a tendency to regress and behave more primitively than individuals do. 

Not all the following signs need be evident for a society or group of people to be considered regressed, says Volkan.  While these are guidelines for recognizing such collective behavior, the particular group and its historical context make each case unique.  

1. Loss of Individual Identity. During group regression a person loses touch with his or her individual identity, what Volkan describes as his or her “stable gender and body image, and of continuity between past, present and future.”  

Through the process of emotionally bonding with others in the group, large-group identity becomes more important than individual identity. Differences among members of the group are erased and a level of sameness in self-regard and self-expression predominates.  This is so for both the in-group and enemy or out-group; individual distinctions are erased for both. One group sees the other as if they were one person, devoid of the individual differences among people assigned to that group. The more regressed the collective, the less emotional separation among group members.

Volkan gives this example: In any army deployed for military purposes, there are some elements of regression. However, in non-regressed societies, a soldier does not loose his or her individuality altogether and soldiers, as well as civilians, still maintain freedom of speech and may openly express opinions that contradict those of the ruling regime or government without jeopardizing his or her role in the military or status as a civilian. 

2. The Us/Them Split. The group creates a sharp ‘us’ and ‘them’ division between itself and one or more ‘enemy’ groups. One side of the division personifies all-goodness and the “other” represents badness and all undesirable attributes.  The use of shared symbols or stereotypes dehumanize members of the other group and often depict them with progressively more subhuman traits: they are a disease, dirty, vermin.  Nationalistic, racial or ethnic hatred becomes a spiraling regression of collective sentiments.

What’s important psychologically is that this conflict comes not only from a group’s relationship with an external enemy, but to group members’ internal representations of them.  In other words, the creation of an enemy refers to a division in the internal world of group members. Another way of thinking about this is the experience of an enemy reflects the externalization onto another of a bad internal object. The original creation of an “other” or enemy comes about with the stranger-anxiety of the infant in the first year of life.  This is an early form of a later split such as the political, racial, and nationalistic one between the Aryan vs. the non-Aryan in Nazi German.

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President Trump reviewing wall prototypes on the border in Otay Mesa, California.
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The us/them split between neighboring countries is often expressed geographically through the preoccupation with national borders. This can be seen in the proposed wall along the Mexican border and the Trump administration’s practice of separating migrant and asylum-seeking families at the U.S.-Mexico border at Case Padre.

3. Cutting Family Ties. The relationship between children and parents is the strongest social tie most people experience in their lifetime. A regressed society undermines familial bonds, the basic trust between a child and parent and normal course of childhood development. Erik Erikson wrote about how an infant, in the first years of life, confronts the crisis between trust and mistrust. A child learns to trust that their caregivers will respond to meet their basic needs. When basic needs go unmet, the child experiences the world as certain, insecure and unpredictable. 

Totalitarian regimes undermine the authority of the parent over the child and replace basic trust in the parent with allegiance to the nation. The Hitler Youth of Nazi Germany indoctrinated children into National Socialist ideology with songs marches and weapons training.  It replaced the bonds of family with propaganda and encouraged religious-like devotion to the Führer. Children were removed from the influence of their parents and some children betrayed their parents to the Third Reich.  Former Nazi Youth member, Alfons Heck, recalls “I belonged to Adolf Hitler, body and soul.” 

4. The Perversion of Morality.  Under the forces of regression a group develops a new shared ‘morality,’ one that is unusually rigid and absolute. Brutal and sadistic behavior is rationalized toward anyone outside the group who opposes the belief system. When the in-group experiences a second group as a threat to its identity and worldview, a new morality is used to justify atrocities against members of the outside group.  There is what Volkan calls, an “entitlement ideology,” a sense of entitlement to revenge and intense aggression toward others in order to maintain and protect the group identity and its way of being in the world.  

Following the Civil War and newfound black economic and political freedom, the southern states sanctioned many lynchings aimed at eradicating competition and re-imposing white supremacy. These atrocities of torture in the public square were a way white southerners tried to maintain, repair, and protect their large-group identity.  In Tennessee, six Confederate veterans came together to form the Ku Klux Klan (1865), which catalyzed widespread violence in in order to reestablish racial hierarchy and reassert white power over former slaves.

This kind of regressed morality “helps to cement the place of the individual in the group,” Volkan claims, “and not only gives him or her permission to behave in ways unacceptable under ordinary circumstances, but obliges him or her to exhibit aggressive behavior in order not to be alienated from the group.” 

5. Purifying Rituals. Purifying rituals occur in many forms and practices and their purpose is to repair and enhance the identity of the large group. These rituals can be benign or destructive, as when targeting a specific “other” with attacks. Such is the case with “ethnic cleansing” that eliminates an unwanted other — all individuals among and associated with a hated group.

Another way purifying rituals are expressed is through an intense preoccupation with the notion of “blood” and the desire for a homogenous make-up of the group. The Nazis banned interracial sexual relations and marriages between "Aryans" and "non-Aryans" through The Law for the Protection of German Blood and German Honour (1935). Similarly, in colonial America, anti-miscegenation laws in the United States prohibited sex and marriage between blacks and whites. The "one-drop theory" asserted that anyone with any black ancestry was classified as black and was one way of preventing interracial union.

6. Magnification of Minor Differences. Freud wrote about this idiosyncratic human tendency, “the narcissism of minor differences,” which he understood as an expression of the human proclivity for aggression, one that often fueled inter-group conflict. This term refers to the hypersensitivity of one group to minor details of differentiation between it and another group or community of people that otherwise have many similar traits.

Volkan gives the example of how when relations between Greece and Turkey become tense, emotional antagonisms focuses on the differences in how each group makes the dessert baklava and who uses more honey.  He describes it this way: “The focus on trivial differences becomes the 'last frontier' for maintaining a separate group identity, which feels the threat of annihilation.” The desire for a distinct identity prevents the acknowledgement of ones resemblance to one’s neighbor. It is too unsettling to recognize group similarities in this context because it endangers a vulnerable sense of group identity and the group's feelings of superiority over another. To avoid this narcissistic injury, a regressed group downplays the similarities with a neighboring group and highlights the variances —which can become amplified into an unbridgeable rift.

7. Destruction of the Environment. Another symptom of collective regression is degradation of the environment. Whether forests, oceans, fisheries, or swampland, the ability of the environment to sustain life is severely compromised. Another related clue that regression is taking place is when a group has difficulty distinguishing between that which is beautiful from that which is ugly.

Arlie Russell Hochschild’s sociological study Strangers In Their Own Land gives a compassionate depiction of Louisiana Tea Party supporters. Although Hochschild doesn’t interpret their worldview as regressed, she remarks on this central paradox among the people she interviewed. They reside at the heart of ‘cancer alley’ where chemical and oil companies have destroyed their environment and often the lives of friends and relatives and sometimes compromised their own health as well. But many of these people remain ardent defenders of free market capitalism and vehemently opposed to against any protection of their land by EPA regulation. When asked about this paradox, one interviewee responded that if she and her family became ill and died from industry pollution and toxins from big oil companies, she would live forever in heaven.

Regression in societies fluctuates from one historical period to another.  Group regression often occurs in the wake of moral progress. In other words, social evolution advances in waves of progression followed by regression.  

Sociologist Eli Sagan reminds us that when there is human advancement there is often accompanying anxiety about such advances and the changes they bring, which in turn leads to a “panicked retreat” and tendencies toward authoritarianism aimed at containing collective anxiety about these new ways of being in the world. In such states of heightened anxiety, the individual turns inward primarily preoccupied with self-preservation and our concern for others wanes.  In the cycle Sagan describes, we embark on a period of social evolution that is then followed by anxiety about the progress we have made, the new modes of living together that confront us and the freedoms that go along with it. This, in turns, leads to a period of regress.

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Remembering Ronald R. Fieve, M.D. (1930-2018)

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I am saddened to learn of the passing of Dr. Ronald Fieve earlier this year at his home in Palm Beach, Florida, at the age of 87. Few psychiatrists have had as great an impact on the actual practice of psychiatry in the last century than Ronald Fieve.

Best known for his pioneering work on the use of lithium carbonate in the treatment of manic depression, Fieve was the author of four popular books and countless scientific articles in the areas of mood disorder, psychopharmacology, and lithium therapy. He is also noted for first identifying the clinical syndrome of hypomania, which later led to the inclusion of bipolar II disorder as a psychiatric diagnostic entity.

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Bipolar Breakthrough, one of Fieve's newer books, published originally in 2006.
Source: Public domain

As a resident at New York's Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center in the 1950s, Fieve was informed of groundbreaking research by psychiatrist John Cade in Australia on the use of lithium, a naturally-occurring salt, in the treatment of acute mania. Fieve is chiefly responsible for lithium's widespread introduction in the United States as a psychiatric medication, and in 1966 he established the first lithium clinic in North America at Columbia University.

In the 1960s, a "lithium underground" developed in the United States as physicians began prescribing the drug without Food and Drug Administration approval (Shorter, 2009). Since lithium is a natural element, it could not be patented—and thus the drug companies had little interest in pursuing it as a treatment. Nevertheless, Fieve and several other researchers convinced the FDA to approve lithium as a treatment for manic depression in 1970 (see Ruffalo, 2017).

In the years to follow, Fieve became a tireless advocate for lithium, appearing frequently on radio and television programs and writing of its benefits in the professional and popular literature. Interestingly, Fieve pointed out that lithium had been found in natural mineral waters prescribed by Roman and Greek physicians 1,500 years earlier to treat what were then called manic insanity and melancholia (Roberts, 2018). More recent research has shown that suicide rates and other indicators of mental disorder are lower in areas where there are greater trace amounts of lithium in the drinking water (Schrauzer & Shrestha, 1990). Seventy years after lithium's (re)discovery as a psychiatric medication, it remains the "gold standard" in the treatment of bipolar illness.

Fieve was also instrumental in the adoption of the "bipolar II disorder" diagnosis, noting that many patients with bipolar conditions do not demonstrate the classic, full-blown manic euphoria but rather show subtler "hypomanic" symptoms. He called this "bipolar beneficial".

"I have found that some of the most gifted individuals in our society suffer from this condition—including many outstanding writers, politicians, business executives, and scientists—where tremendous amounts of manic energy have enabled them to achieve their heights of success," Dr. Fieve told a symposium in 1973 (Roberts, 2018).

Fieve was distinguished professor emeritus of psychiatry at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital and founded the Foundation for Mood Disorders in Manhattan. He maintained a successful private practice of psychopharmacology in New York City, described by actress Patty Duke in 2010 as "crammed with Wall Street tycoons and Hollywood producers".

Fieve starred in a short 2014 film on lithium titled Manhattan, Manic City in which he is seen interviewing and treating patients with bipolar disorder at his private office in New York. It is available on Youtube and can be watched here. Fieve's commentary on the film and his role in the introduction of lithium to the United States can be viewed here.

Dr. Fieve's dedication to the field over a span of more than 50 years is rivaled by only a select few in the history of psychiatry. While his contributions to psychopharmacology and psychiatric nosology represent major clinical advances, it was his devotion to finding better, more effective treatments for the most seriously mentally ill for which he will be most remembered.

Ronald Fieve died on January 2, 2018. He is survived by his wife of 54 years, Katia von Saxe, as well as two daughters and four grandchildren.

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Duke, P. (2010). Brilliant madness: Living with manic depressive illness. New York, NY: Random House.

Roberts, S. (2018, January 12). Dr. Ronald Fieve, 87, dies; Pioneered lithium to treat mood swings. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/12/obituaries/dr-ronald-fieve-87-dies-pioneered-lithium-to-treat-mood-swings.html

Ruffalo, M. L. (2017). A brief history of lithium treatment in psychiatry. The Primary Care Companion for Central Nervous System Disorders, 19(5), ii. doi: 10.4088/PCC.17br02140

Schrauzer, G. N., & Shrestha, K. P. Lithium in drinking water and the incidences of crimes, suicides, and arrests related to drug addictions. Biological Trace Element Research, 25(2), 105-113.

Shorter, E. (2009). The history of lithium therapy. Bipolar Disorders, 11(02), 4-9. doi:10.1111/j.1399-5618.2009.00706.x

What’s The Deal with Vegetarians Who Hate Vegetables?

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Photo by Waroot Tangtumsatid/123RF
Source: Photo by Waroot Tangtumsatid/123RF

One of the great things about being both a psychologist and the father of twins is that you get to do experiments on your kids. Our daughters Betsy and Katie are fraternal twins.  Like non-twin siblings, they share 50% of their genes. Unlike identical twins, they don’t look alike, and they have different personalities. They also have very different relationships with food.

Betsy is an adventurous eater. She has scarfed down whale meat in Japan (“greasy and generally yucky”), crickets in Mexico, and red hot chili peppers in the food stalls of Bangkok.  Katie, on the other hand, even as an infant was a finicky eater. And when she was 13, she announced that she had become a vegetarian.  Mary Jean and I were not concerned as we figured her vegetarianism was just a passing phase. We were wrong. She did not eat meat for the next 17 years. The problem, however,  was that she did not like vegetables and refused to eat the leafy green “cruciferous” veggies that are good for you, like spinach, Brussel sprouts, kale, cabbage, Romaine lettuce.  Her go-to foods tended to be white - potatoes, rice, and, most of all, mac and cheese. 

Experimenting On Your Own Children

But why would two kids raised by the same parents and exposed to exactly the same food environments have such different food preferences? I decided to answer this question by giving them a taste test. I was interested in their sensitivity to a chemical called 6-7i-propylthiouricil which

Photo by Hal Herzog
Source: Photo by Hal Herzog

is, fortunately, abbreviated PROP.  The test involves placing a strip of paper impregnated with PROP or a related chemical called PTC on your tongue.  Roughly 25% of people taste nothing (“nontasters”), 50% taste the paper as mildly bitter (“medium tasters”), and 25% experience extreme bitterness. They are the “supertasters.” (When I did these tests in my biological psychology courses, several students would always rush out of the room to wash their mouths out with water.) Many studies have now shown that sensitivity to PTC and PROP is highly related to the ability to taste a family of bitter compounds found in cruciferous vegetables called glucosimolates.

When Betsy put the test strip in her mouth, she did not taste a thing. But Katie yowled, complained bitterly, and rinsed her mouth out. As I expected, she was a supertaster. No wonder she hated vegetables.

The Unlikely Vegetarians

Because cruciferous vegetables taste bitter to supertasters, you would think supertasters would be less likely to become vegetarians than nontasters. And this is exactly what a research team headed by Dr. Danny Cliceri of the Italian Taste Project recently reported in the journal Food Quality and

Graph by Hal Herzog
Source: Graph by Hal Herzog

Preference. The investigators were interested in attitudes and beliefs about food in vegetarians, flexitarians, and omnivores. As part of their study, each participant was given a PROP sensitivity test. The investigators found that only 13% of the 31 vegetarians in the study were supertasters compared to 39% of the 39 omnivores. Conversely, the vegetarians were twice as likely as the meat eaters to be nontasters.  Further, the vegetarians rated PROP as much more bitter than did the omnivores.  

Because of her high sensitivity to PROP, Katie was an unlikely candidate for vegetarianism. But she is not alone in being a vegetarian who does not like vegetables.  I sent out a message on Facebook asking for vegetarians who did not like veggies. The message hit a chord.  Here are a few typical responses from them.

“I’ve been a vegetarian since 1978…However, as a child I was a highly restrictive eater – eating only baked beans, canned spaghetti, and French toast to the point that my mother was worried about the possibility that I was going to be malnourished.”

“I didn’t like veggies as a kid. I was an extremely finicky eater. My parents complained about it. I eat very diverse foods now.”

 “I always joke that I am the only vegetarian who doesn’t like vegetables very much. I live on salads now. As a kid, I think I disliked most vegetables. A lot of this goes back to my childhood and worry about my weight, but I am super fussy about vegetables.”

“I disliked a lot of vegetables, but not all. I like potatoes and few others.  My list of those I hated was long though. And I love most of them now.”

Vegetarianism and the Biology of Taste

As indicated by the Facebook messages, some supertaster vegetarians overcome their dislike of cruciferous vegetables. But the low prevalence of supertasters that Dr. Cliceri and his colleagues found among vegetarians suggests that genetics may make it more difficult for some people than others to give up meat.

How strong is the evidence that sensitivity to bitterness in vegetables is governed by a toss of the genetic dice? The answer is very strong. For example,

  • Identical twins are much more similar than fraternal twins in their preferences for vegetables. Indeed, about 50% of the differences in how much kids like veggies is attributable to genetic factors (here). (Surprisingly, family environments have surprisingly little impact on food preference.  
  • Super taster kids are more likely to be described as finicky eaters by their parents.
  • Sensitivity to bitterness is closely related to the number of taste cells (papilla) on your tongue. Supertasters have a much higher density of these cells than do medium tasters or nontasters.
  • In recent years a lot has been discovered about the genetics of sensitivity to bitterness. The gene which has been the focus of most studies is designated TAS2R38, and it is located on Chromosome 7. It comes in two forms: AVI (“nontasters”) and PAV (“taster”). People who inherited AVI forms from both their mom and their dad (AVI/AVI) usually cannot taste PROP at all, while people with the PAV/PAV genotype are usually supertasters. (AVI/PAV folks tend fall into the medium PROP taster category.)
  • Several studies have found that AVI/AVI people consume substantially more vegetables of all kinds than PAV/PAV people. 

Is There a “Vegetarian Gene?”

No.

A gene is essentially a set of instructions for the manufacture of proteins. There is no gene “for vegetarianism” just like there is no gene “for intelligence” or “for homosexuality.” Further, virtually all complex human traits are a product of our environments and the interactions of hundreds, if not thousands, of genes.

But while there is no vegetarian gene, or for that matter, no meat-loving gene, it is certainly possible that genetic factors play a role in the ease or difficulty people have giving up meat. As I have described in this Psychology Today post, fewer than 4% of Americans are true vegetarians or vegans, and about 85% of them eventually revert to eating animal flesh. For some people, giving up meat may be more of an uphill battle than for others. This was illustrated by one of my Facebook respondents who wrote, “I attempted to be a vegetarian for moral reasons in middle school but ended up passing out and subsequently giving up after three days because there wasn’t anything for me to eat. I hate vegetables.”

Dr. Cliceri’s new study suggests that giving up meat may be a particularly difficult struggle for vegetarians who are biologically predisposed to find vegetables extremely bitter. Yet many of them, eventually overcome their aversion to the green stuff. As one long-term vegetarian told me, “I love vegetables now, but I had to train myself.”

And I suspect many vegetarians would agree with Katherine Hepburn’s character in the movie The African Queen when she told Humphrey Bogart’s character, "Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put into this world to rise above.”

*     *     *     

Post script: Katie's diet has changed a bit in recent years. On the advice of her doctor, she occasionally eats a little meat, though she recently told me, "I still find it disgusting." And while she does eat green vegetables, her favorite foods remain potatoes and mac and cheese.

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Cliceri, D., Spinelli, S., Dinnella, C., Prescott, J., & Monteleone, E. (2018). The influence of psychological traits, beliefs and taste responsiveness on implicit attitudes toward plant-and animal-based dishes among vegetarians, flexitarians and omnivores. Food Quality and Preference, 68, 276-291.

Smith, A. D., Fildes, A., Cooke, L., Herle, M., Shakeshaft, N., Plomin, R., & Llewellyn, C. (2016). Genetic and environmental influences on food preferences in adolescence. American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 104(2), 446-453.

Sandell, M., Hoppu, U., Mikkilä, V., Mononen, N., Kähönen, M., Männistö, S., ... & Raitakari, O. T. (2014). Genetic variation in the hTAS2R38 taste receptor and food consumption among Finnish adults. Genes & Nutrition, 9(6), 433.

Duffy, V. B., Hayes, J. E., Davidson, A. C., Kidd, J. R., Kidd, K. K., & Bartoshuk, L. M. (2010). Vegetable intake in college-aged adults is explained by oral sensory phenotypes and TAS2R38 genotype. Chemosensory Perception, 3(3-4), 137-148.

The Happiness Hack: Create Connections, Not Distractions

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According to Ellen Petry Leanse, author of The Happiness Hack, billions of us log in to Facebook everyday, we send 6 billion text messages daily, and we share 9,000 snaps (on Snapchat) per second. Yet, 1 in 4 Americans feels lonely. We are more connected than ever, but not in the ways that matter for our happiness and well-being. What might we do to build happiness now, given the connections that we have are not helping our happiness?

Here are four tips that Ellen suggests in her new book, The Happiness Hack.

1. Connect IRL (In Real Life)

Connecting in real life may not be as easy as it once was. Smartphone buzzes and subsequent wandering minds are now culturally accepted. But our phone addiction can really hurt us. It's now imperative that we do whatever we can to keep our smartphones from hurting our relationships. Usually this means building stronger in-person connections, because even something as simple as a smile can boost dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins–the feel good hormones. So break up with your phone and look at people instead.

2. Look at other people

When we are shunned or rejected, we may feel lonely. And loneliness puts our brains into self-preservation mode. When we truly see each other, we connect more easily and feel less lonely. So see people–by looking up from your phone or computer–and they will be more likely to see you, which can help you feel happier and be more resilient

3. Rethink solitude

Your never ending to-do list (or mishandled work-life blending) may leave you too stressed to find meaning in your life. But opting to relax alone at the end of the day with our tech toys can really get us stuck in unhappiness—not to mention that there are negative effects of social media on well-being. So if we use social media to decompress, we may be doing more harm than good. Instead, it's often easier to find a sense of purpose by meaningfully impacting others' lives, which usually needs to be done in person.

4. Unplug

As a society, we are losing our social skills, our empathy, and our well-being as we increasingly spend more and more of time with technology instead of with people. Phone addiction has become ubiquitous and support to help people go through a digital detox are now commonplace. So unplug every now and then, and take a break from technology.

In Sum

Ellen Petry Leanse's book, The Happiness Hack, gives some good tips for maintain happiness in the digital age.

Want to learn more about how to build happiness in the digital age? Check out berkeleywellbeing.com

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5 Ways to Rapidly Recover From Romantic Rejection

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You have been out four times with a new love interest. As far as you were concerned, sparks were flying from “hello.”  After two lunch dates, a trip to the theatre, and what you perceived as a magical sunset dinner cruise, you are eagerly anticipating your next rendezvous. Brunch at the new French restaurant downtown?  A ballgame? Your team has finally managed to make the playoffs.  Awaiting your partner´s call or text, you are ready with your suggestions. 

But the contact never comes.  No call, no text, nothing.  Radio silence . . . for one day, two, then three.  You check your cell phone battery; maybe it did not charge properly and you missed a call.  Then you check your incoming calls, wondering if you were out of range when a call came in. Nope, all systems go.

Finally, you give in and engage in decidedly off-label use of your phone—to actually make a call.  Your call is answered (you blocked your number just in case your partner really was avoiding you), and a short conversation confirms your worst fears; your new love interest is “too busy” for a relationship.  You accept the news politely and graciously.  

After you hang up, however, the disappointment hits you like a ton of bricks. You certainly did not see this coming.  But before you begin to doubt your self worth and value as a result of hearing the bad news, consider the good news: you are in good company. Everyone gets rejected. People differ, however, in how they respond, and in how fast they recover.

Rejection: Who Wears it Best

Rejection hurts both emotionally and physically (Kross et al. (2011)).[i] Yet some people bounce back quicker than others.  Sure, some of it has to do with self-confidence.  A study by Waller and MacDonald (2010), for example, found that individuals with low self-esteem were more sensitive to romantic breakups when they were not the instigator, as compared to when they were.[ii] 

Yet regardless of self-esteem or level of confidence, everyone can benefit from proactive methods of healing.  Actively processing (not obsessing over) rejection can speed recovery and improve your ability to avoid or deal more productively with relational disappointment in the future.  

The Road to Relational Recovery 

The song from Frozen that many parents of young children have stuck in their minds contains a common prescription to moving on from rejection:  “Let it go.”  These words of wisdom are often the advice you receive after a breakup from friends and family.  Just shake it off.  But how? 

The answer is not passively, but intentionally.  The road to relational recovery is paved with proactive steps involving positive thinking and behavior.  Here are five:

Regroup to recover.  To regroup, you need to be part of a group. When you are hit with rejection, a strong support system softens the blow.  These caring individuals provide objective validation of your bruised sense of value and worth. The key is maintaining your group during your relationship.  Instead of retreating into romantic exclusivity, always stay grounded in your community of faith, family, and friends.

Misery loves company and companionship.  Remember that rejection is a shared experience.  Members of your support system will have their own rejection stories to share—many of which are no doubt similar to yours.  It can make you feel better just knowing that you are not suffering solo. They have recovered; you will too.

Focus without fixation.  Contrary to the advice of those who insist you “never look back,” reflecting upon what went wrong in a relationship can be both constructive and cathartic.  Live and learn.  But here is the caveat: allow yourself to think about, not obsess or wallow in pity over your failed relationship, for a limited, pre-determined amount of time. Acknowledge mistakes, consider alternative behavior in the future, and when the buzzer goes off, move on.  

Reframe and refocus.  Utilize the power of perspective. You are not defined by defeat.  Romantic failure is a small slice of life.  Instead of cropping and focusing only on the painful experience, zoom out and consider the bigger picture, which includes all the positive aspects of your life, and the people in it.  

Distraction is bliss. Post-rejection diversion is a productive, healthy way to pass the time as your emotions stabilize.  Time heals all, and the faster you can pass immediate post-break up time the better.  Your support system can definitely help you with this one; many of them are delighted to have you back in their lives. 

And remember that although the road to recovery may not always be the fast lane in terms of emotional healing, engaging in intentional, proactive strategies for success will pave the way to quicker restoration of well being and self-confidence.     

References

[i]Ethan Kross, Marc G. Berman, Walter Mischel, Edward E. Smith, and Tor D. Wager, ”Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain,” PNAS Vol. 108, no. 15, 2011, 6270-6275.

[ii]Katherine L. Waller and Tara K. MacDonald, “Trait Self-Esteem Moderates the Effect of Initiator Status on Emotional and Cognitive Responses to Romantic Relationship Dissolution,” Journal of Personality Vol. 78, no. 4, 2010, 1271-1299.

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Recovery for Everyone

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Photo Credit Alexi Berry, used with permission
Source: Photo Credit Alexi Berry, used with permission

Over twenty-five years ago I started in the counseling field, working in a substance abuse treatment center. The Recovery Model was commonplace in addiction treatment. It was not called that, it was simply how addiction treatment was. One of the treatment centers I worked at had a poster called, “The Twelve Steps for Everyone”. It generalized the 12-Steps of AA, NA, and other 12-step meetings, suggesting everyone can benefit. The point I’m fumbling with here is follows that example: The Recovery Model, now commonplace in the treatment of mental health issues, can benefit everyone. 

A lot has been written about the recovery model, so just a brief overview will be provided here. The main focus of the recovery model is “[emphasis on] resilience and control over problems and life” (Jacob, K.S. 2015). In Smith, et al.’s article on “Applying Recovery Principles to the Treatment of Trauma”, the authors discuss how to apply nine recovery principles to those recovering from trauma. The principles are:

(1) being supported by others, including the important role of community and social support; (2) renewing hope and commitment through spirituality or other means; (3) engaging in meaningful activities through reclaiming social roles held prior to illness onset and/or identifying new ones; (4) redefining oneself by shifting the view of mental illness to include an understanding that it is only one aspect of the self, rather than all encompassing; (5) incorporating illness by accepting any limits that may persist due to mental illness; (6) overcoming stigma related to having a mental illness; (7) assuming control over treatment and choices; (8) managing symptoms; and (9) becoming empowered and exercising citizenship.  (Smith, J., et al., 2016).

It is obvious some of these principles are only applicable to those overcoming a mental health issue. However, according to Comer, “[i]n any given year, as many as 30% of adults…in the United States display serious psychological disturbances and are in need of clinical treatment” (p.7). He goes on to say, “[s]urveys suggest that nearly one of every six adults in the United States receive outpatient treatment for psychological disorders in the course of a year” (p.15). In other words, nearly a third of the population in the United States can apply the above principles to their recovery. The other 70% can still benefit from these principles. Rather than delve into each principle individually, the discussion will focus on what the recovery model looks like in practice. 

Though it seems common sense to seek support, there are a great many people who feel they cannot get the support they need for the issue they are experiencing. There may be a number of reasons for this, including a lack of trust in others or feeling shame. In Alcoholics Anonymous there is a saying: “You can’t save your butt and your face at the same time.” Seek help, get support. People are often more empathetic than is thought. For every problem there are some that can relate. If you don’t feel you can trust those around you, therapy is a viable option to start. 

Those in recovery develop hope. Many do this through redefining their beliefs or returning to old beliefs. It is often helpful to focus on personal and spiritual growth. I often recommend to clients that they read, listen to podcasts, or otherwise engage their minds on the path they have chosen. This helps keep them focused. It is easy to slip back into the rigmarole of daily life, and into old patterns of thinking. Focusing on personal and spiritual growth (even if spiritual just means being a better person to others) helps combat this.  

As I’ve written before, purpose and meaning are integral to happiness (A Guide to enlightened living, Your purpose in life). Many people, despite being busy with life’s tasks, wonder what their true purpose is. Those in recovery attempt to find purpose through activities that provide life more meaning. Sometimes this is helping others with similar issues, volunteering, or otherwise trying to make the world a better place. 

Individuals in recovery redefine themselves. Often this is simply redefining oneself as someone in recovery. This allows one to recognize he has a weakness in certain areas, and adjust his behavior accordingly. When I think of this principle related to mental illness, my focus is on how one’s mental illness affects thinking, and how, as a result, thinking cannot be trusted. This has been a focal point I’ve generalized to everyone. My last post focused on the top 20 ways anyone lies to himself. Realizing this, and other limitations, can be freeing and foster more control over one’s life.  

Assuming control over one’s life is another aspect of recovery. Many people feel their life is controlled by circumstances, and do not realize the power they enact in their life, or do not realize the choices they have. With this principle, the person works toward awareness of their options and choices. This leads to empowerment. Someone who is empowered in her life gets involved, helps others, and, as the recovery principle states, exercises citizenship. 

Another aspect of recovery is an understanding that everyone doesn’t have to walk the same path. In “SAMHSA’s Working Definition of Recovery”, the authors identify one of their ten guiding principles of recovery as “many pathways”. This recognizes that everyone is different, with different strengths and interests that will inform their path to recovery. What works for one may not work for another. 

In a class I teach five semesters a year, students are required to go to a 12-Step meeting and write a reflection paper of their experience. Without fail the majority of these papers reflect on how this recovery meeting fosters a sense of community, hope, and progress. Some discuss how these meetings could be beneficial to all. In short, many of the students seem to get that the principles of recovery can be beneficial to anyone, regardless of whether he or she has a disorder or not. 

Copyright William Berry, 2018

Personal Perspectives
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The Recovery Model is commonplace in treatment. But all can benefit.
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The Recovery Model began with addiction treatment. Recently it has grown in popularity in the treatment of mental health issues. This post argues all can benefit from it's tenets.
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Reference: 

Comer, R.J., (2016). Fundamentals of Abnormal Psychology, Ed. 8., Worth Publishers, New York, N.Y. 

Jacob, K.S. (2015). Recovery Model of Mental Illness: A Complementary Approach to Psychiatric Care, Indian Journal of Psychological Medicine, 2015 April-June; 37(2): 117-119, doi: 10.4103/0253-7176.155605., Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4418239/on June 14th, 2018. 

SAMHSA. (2012). SAMHSA’s Working Definition of Recovery. Retrieved from https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/content/PEP12-RECDEF/PEP12-RECDEF.pdfon June 15th 2018.

Smith, J. C., Hyman, S. M., Andres-Hyman, R. C., Ruiz, J. J., & Davidson, L. (2016, September 1). Applying Recovery Principles to the Treatment of Trauma. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice. Advance online publication. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/pro0000105.

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