Dear Dr. Alasko: Our daughter is mid-twenties and is marrying a man seven years older who already has a young child. She wants to compose their own wedding vows and she's looking for suggestions about what they might include. I recall reading one of your columns about different kinds of marriage vows and would like suggestions.
Dear Reader: The traditional marriage vows ("to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part") cover the main intention of marriage. Namely, that it's a life-long commitment that involves the ups (better and richer) and downs (worse and poorer), as well as the challenge of sickness. Each party commits for life, regardless of the circumstances.
From a psychological perspective, these vows - while fine as general statements of intention - suffer from being generic. They don't acknowledge the complexity of human behavior, particularly the tendency for people to allow their emotions to overwhelm their intentions. I believe that in a lot of cases, committed couples can design vows that address those realities, as well. Here are some issues your daughter may wish to consider as she crafts her vows.
First, what do the vows really mean to she and her fiance who will be speaking them? Will the words penetrate into each person's emotional life? Do they address how each person intends to shape their behaviors to fulfill the words they're speaking here at the marriage's outset?
This point is critical. Couples need to acknowledge -overtly - that everyone gets swept up into life's turbulence and that we all forget what we promise.
One way to counter this is to print the vows and post them on the bathroom mirror and on the refrigerator so each person is constantly reminded about his or her promises. This makes it even more important, since they'll be read thousands of times, that the language the couple writes in to the vows be meaningful and inspirational.
Next, how will the couple cope with the inevitable changes in their individual development? Every few years each of them will have grown and developed, and what they'll need from each other will have changed. How will they adjust to these changes? How will they renegotiate their mutual requests and demands?
Most couples simply make it up day-to-day. But the high percentage of failure in marriages would indicate that a more formal approach is required.
In fact, I often suggest that couples commit to re-examining their vows every five years, make any necessary adjustments, and then lovingly re-commit to their marriage for another five years. Putting this plan right into their initial vows would make it an official commitment.
Meanwhile, as for the immediate task, here are some phrases that can help a couple build an equitable and long-lasting relationship:
• I promise to express my love for you through actual behavior that proves my dedication.
• I promise to take every opportunity to negotiate reasonable compromises between your needs and mine.
• I promise to control my whims and desires and shape them to strengthen our relationship.
• I promise to communicate directly, and work constantly to improve my ability to express myself.
And so forth. Vows need to be exact and specific to countermand the murky confusions of everyday life. Crafting them to fit every relationship's inexorable demands is a good start. Best wishes to your daughter and her fiancé.