In case you haven’t noticed, marriage and divorce are in turmoil. It seems that every week there are numerous stories about how people are shunning tradition—and in some cases the law—and creating their own marriage or divorce agreements.
Articles range from millennials having children and creating family without marrying, to couples giving their wedding rings back to their spouse but staying together in the same house (divorced) in order to raise the kids.
The Great Recession is what I point to as the driving force behind people having to get creative with family and housing. I believe it opened the way for people to realize that, “Maybe it’s okay if we get married (or stay married) for financial security,” or, “We don’t have a choice but to live on separate coasts for our jobs, but we like not living together 24/7.”
There was a time when social order felt more imperative but what once brought us a sense of comfort and order is now a strangling noose around our coupling paradigm.
Why wouldn’t marriage need more choice? We have a gazillion TV channels, an entire supermarket aisle dedicated to cereal options, we even have a seemingly endless variety of candy and gum these days. And that doesn’t count options that get introduced from outside countries!
In fact, in most areas, change is not only welcome, it is vital in keeping a product appealing. Why must we keep a Model T marriage?
I know that some of you will say, “Anything other than “traditional marriage” is not marriage!” And I know you believe that.
But think about the car analogy: Is a Tesla Model S less of a car than Ford’s Model T? Actually, it’s quite the opposite.
We live in a time of rapid change that we call The Information Age only someone forgot to inform the powers that be that marriage doesn’t fit who we are any longer.
Most of the traditions were put in place thousands of years ago! For example, in 1215 when marriage became a Holy sacrament and “Until Death Do Us Part” was added to the vows, the average life expectancy was 35- to 40-years-old.
Lots of people know why women wear white dresses (a symbol of her purity and virginity), but do you know why people throw rice at the couple? Do you know why women carry a bouquet of flowers? Do you know where the term “Tying the Knot” comes from?
The average person won’t know the answers to these questions. The average person won’t question these traditions. The average person will follow these traditions. I did it myself.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for tradition. With one caveat: if the tradition does no harm.
In my opinion, we cause harm to those we expect to marry in the same old way of forsaking all others and until death do they part. I love the notion of remaining faithful and staying together even when times get rough. I believe that mature love requires sacrifice and compromise.
The concern I have is that we expect EVERYONE to abide by these rules and it’s not a good fit for far too many (40% divorce rate on average in developed countries).
The back cover of The New I Do, Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (co-authored by me and journalist Vicki Larson) says, “If half of all cars bought in America each year broke down on the road, there would be a national uproar. But when half of all marriages in America fail, we blame the drivers, not the faulty engines.”
It’s time for some changes to be made. It’s time for us to allow people to marry for more reasons than just love. Reasons like financial security or to co-parent (sans amour). It’s time for us to allow anyone who marries to have their own version of a successful marriage: to live in separate houses, to open their marriage to others, or to try marriage on for size and to not have to stay married to one person for the rest of their lives.
And may we all live happily ever after in whatever form that takes.
Here is a story from this week in the news where people are doing marriage and divorce differently