The blogosphere and cable news shows exploded this weekend with the news of a new study by Victoria Plumb of 2000 people who live with a partner. It found that 30% of the men intentionally sabotage their honey do's around the house so their exasperated partner will do it for them, noting that "most guys will admit they don't always pull their weight when it comes to the cleaning, but it's worrying to see so many purposely do a bad job."
Most television pundits expressed surprise and exaperation at these results. But this is to be expected from compliant men who have bought into the predominant cultural view in America that the romantic ends justify the means. Using physical attraction, charm and feigned compatibility to gain a sexual relationship has its price.
Despite healthy motives, the compliant man eventually finds himself feeling resentful. After the honeymoon peak of the relationship, when the man was willing to forgo food, drink and sleep to please his lover's every desire, he gradually begins to tire of always accommodating his unsuspecting mate. She will usually have no idea why her devoted swain no longer seems to have his heart in the household maintenance, social activities and family events he seemed to enjoy so much with her during their initial courtship and bonding.
Our hero can't let on that his initial persona was not genuine. In the movies George Clooney or Brad Pitt only has to be Prince Charming for two hours. But this compliant man must live out his persona for the rest of his life. He becomes an actor who must portray his role twenty-four hours a day, with no flubbed lines or missed cues. He is not allowed to take off his costume, wash off his greasepaint and relax with a smoke in the comfort of his dressing room. He has a fully committed partner waiting in the wings who believes in all her heart in the character he is depicting. Not surprisingly, most begin to wear down over time. What is an actor to do?
The only way for our compliant man to preserve a relationship born on a false premise is to continue to accede to her wishes. Thus he feels trapped. He eventually begins to look at his beloved as his oppressor and begins to lead a second. secret life, stealing away for precious moments to do the things he really enjoys, like watching ESPN or The Golf Channel in his Man Cave. Thus it is no wonder this study found that 40% of men want to get the honey do's done as soon as possible to get back to what they really like doing. They no longer see the need to put the painstaking effort to properly wash the dishes, clean the bathroom or make the bed that they would have gladly done at the beginning of the relationship when they wanted to impress their woman. Now it's just one more roadblock in the way of having fun.
The compliant man's seamless performance will inevitably begin to slip. His mate will notice the dust swept under the rug instead of being vacuumed, accumulating dishes not loaded into the dishwasher, the laundry hamper bursting with dirty clothes, the trash can in the kitchen overflowing and the streaks on the bathroom mirror as the physical intensity of the relationship begins to wane. Half measures, less than the minimum and short cuts become the rule instead of the exception. But the compliant man will resist discussing the real reason for the decline in his honey do skills. That might lead to questioning the very premise of the relationship.