Ashley Madison’s New TV Spot
A few weeks ago I had a quiet Saturday evening at home, for which I was extremely grateful. Sitting on the couch in my PJs with a glass of milk, I found myself channel surfing before turning in, landing on Comedy Central and a few minutes of standup. Between bits of wit that I can’t remember, a new commercial aired that I can’t forget. The advertiser: Ashley Madison, the now infamous website/app designed for and used by married people looking to cheat.
This new AM ad opens with a clean-cut and very attractive young man singing revised lyrics to the erstwhile Climax Blues Band hit, “Couldn’t Get It Right.” Soon he is joined by a second, equally clean-cut and handsome young man, also singing. Pretty soon the entire screen is filled with good-looking, happily singing guys. On the surface, it’s pretty darn wholesome, reminiscent of Coca-Cola’s famed “I’d Like to Buy the World a Coke” ad, first aired in 1971, with one, then another, and then hundreds of beautiful people singing a song about peace, love and soda pop. But instead of singing I’d like to buy the world a house and furnish it with love, AM’s chorus is singing I’m looking for someone other than my wife, other than my wife, other than wife.
Yup, these grinning guys-next-door are gleefully touting the joys of sexual infidelity. If you watch the ad closely, you can see that the first guy is playing his laptop computer like a piano keyboard, but instead of producing music he’s typing the song lyrics, “I’m looking for someone other than my wife,” into his AM profile. And the second guy is playing his iPad like an air guitar, with each new swipe producing imagery of an incredibly hot (and apparently hot to cheat) female. And I can’t help but think the choice of “Couldn’t Get It Right” offers some sort of subliminal commentary on marriage, as does choosing a band with the word “Climax” in its name.
Why Is This So Disturbing?
OK, it’s hardly a secret that nighttime advertising often caters to the male sexual ego, and that Ashley Madison’s usually hilarious ads are now a significant part of this semi-misogynistic oeuvre. In the past, AM’s spots have typically focused on the misery of being married to an unattractive and/or unpleasant person, or the secret thrill of forbidden fruit. As such, the ads have fit nicely into the “1-800-Call-Me” seediness to which we’ve grown accustomed. But this new spot is very, very different in both tone and intent.
Previously, AM’s general message was: “OK, we know that cheating on your spouse is not the best thing to do because it breaks your vow of monogamy, but we also know that lots and lots of people do cheat, and they want to keep this activity a secret, and this is a great way to accomplish that.” Meanwhile, the new ad screams: “Cheating is fun and everybody does it and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it and nobody ever gets hurt by it so you should definitely be using our website and/or our app.” Whatever the message being conveyed, it’s clear that AM’s ads are working, as the site now has almost 30 million members.
At this point you might be wondering if I’m some sort of prude or if I’m trying to bury my head in the sand about marital infidelity. Let me assure you that neither is the case. In my twenty-plus years as a psychotherapist specializing in relationship and sexual issues, I’ve seen and heard it all, and I have without doubt learned that “the monogamy box” is not right for every relationship. In fact, as I’ve told many cheating clients, “If you and your spouse can agree that extramarital sex is fine, and neither of you is bothered by it, and it doesn’t diminish your relationship, then more power to you both.” Frankly, there are plenty of people who live quite happily in open marriages, and I profess no judgment on the matter either way.
Nevertheless, after working with hundreds (probably thousands) of cheating spouses and their betrayed partners, I can tell you that infidelity is rarely a mutually agreed upon endeavor. Instead, one partner values and works hard to uphold his or her pledge of sexual monogamy while the other cheats and keeps that behavior a secret, nearly always justifying the behavior with some form of the following lie: “I’m not hurting anyone.”
Unfortunately, though, secretive sexual infidelity does cause a great deal of pain to the cheated-on partner. In fact, one study looking at the wives of serial cheaters (and most cheaters do engage in the behavior repeatedly) found that many of these women, upon learning about their husband’s infidelity, experienced acute stress symptoms characteristic of posttraumatic stress disorder. If you’re unfamiliar with PTSD, it’s a very serious disorder with potentially debilitating and long-lasting consequences. Secretive infidelity can even cause emotional and psychological pain to the cheated-on spouse before it’s uncovered. This is because secretive cheaters tend to pull away from their partners, both emotionally and physically, and the betrayed spouse nearly always senses this, usually rather acutely.
And then there’s all the secret-keeping, lying, and manipulation to deal with! Put simply, secretive cheaters typically go to great lengths to keep their infidelity under wraps – partly because they don’t want to hurt their spouse, but mostly because they don’t want to have to stop what they’re doing. Much of the time, this is the worst part for the cheated-on spouse. In fact, most betrayed partners tell me that it’s not any specific sexual act that has caused the most pain and created the most carnage; instead, it’s the lying and the resultant loss of relationship trust.
Of course, AM’s new ad seems to be tossing “secrets and lies” out the window....
Is Monogamy Finished?
It is rather clear to me that AM’s new ad signals a change in the marital paradigm, and that the spot does indeed mesh with what’s happening in the world at this moment. In short, infidelity is no longer an act that occurs only in shadow. While cheating is still somewhat frowned upon, it is growing ever-more culturally acceptable. And this means the rulebook of marriage has altered, with relationships now much more sexually open than in the past. As such, activities like porn use can sometimes be viewed within relationships as acceptable and non-hurtful, as can social media flirting, webcam mutual masturbation, and even in-person sexual encounters – so long as the people in the relationship are not keeping secrets about these behaviors.
Once upon a time, in the pre-Internet days of yore, monogamy in marriage was a given, and sexual infidelity was very definitely frowned upon. Spouses who cheated were gossiped about viciously, and even their non-cheating spouses and kids were sometimes made pariahs. Nowadays, however, in our highly digitally sexualized, divorce-accepting world, infidelity is no longer such a big deal culturally – a fact that is well-evidenced by AM’s blithe new ad – though it may still be a huge deal within a particular relationship.
So it seems to me that the new marriage paradigm is this: In today’s world, extramarital sex is something that can potentially be negotiated prior to or even during a marriage. This means the idea of extramarital sex is no longer an automatic nonstarter. That said, infidelity that occursin secret (i.e., secretive cheating) is nearly always problematic to a relationship and to the betrayed partner’s emotional and psychological wellbeing, and couples need to fully understand this. Yes, extramarital sex (in-the-flesh and/or purely online) may now be OK, so long as it is discussed and mutually agreed to before it occurs. But it should not be unilaterally or secretively undertaken.
Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S is Senior Vice President of Clinical Development with Elements Behavioral Health. He has developed clinical programs for The Ranch outside Nashville, Tennessee, Promises Treatment Centers in Malibu, and The Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles.An author and subject expert on the relationship between digital technology and human sexuality, Mr. Weiss has served as a media specialist for CNN, The Oprah Winfrey Network, the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times and the Today Show, among others. He has also provided clinical multi-addiction training and behavioral health program development for the US military and treatment centers throughout the United States, Europe and Asia. For more information you can visit his website, www.robertweissmsw.com.