Nomar* was in love. He had never been happier. He and his girlfriend Marissa* were talking about living together and eventually getting married. For the first time in his life, he could imagine himself becoming a father. And then something seemed to go wrong. Marissa was tired and irritable when they were together. She didn’t want to spend so much time with him. She didn’t answer when he asked what was wrong. And suddenly, without warning, Marissa told him that it was over. Nomar went from disbelief to incredible pain. It hurt to know that the woman he loved did not love him anymore. He fluctuated between rage and terrible sadness. And he missed Marissa, who had been his best friend, more than he could say.
Talia* and Jason* had been living together for almost two years. Talia wanted to get married and start a family. Jason said he wanted it, too, but that they weren’t ready yet. “What will it take for us to be ready?” she asked. Jason couldn’t answer the question. He could only say that he knew it wasn’t time. Six months later, he still wasn’t ready, and Talia decided that she had to break up with him, but she dreaded the pain and hurt she knew she would feel when she did leave him. It took her another six months to get up the courage to say goodbye. What she didn’t realize was that her actions would also hurt Jason. He sobbed when she told him she was leaving. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I love you. I just can’t marry you.” He never did explain why.
We all know that hearts don’t really break, but it can be hard to believe when a relationship is ending. Not only can you feel a physical pain in your chest, where your heart seems to be cracking, but also you probably feel plenty of other pain as well – your head, stomach and maybe even your whole body seems bruised and aching. And even your spirit or psyche or whatever you call your emotional center is reeling with pain. Try telling that part of you that it’s all in your head.
The truth is, it isn’t all in your head. Recent research has shown that we feel an emotional wound in the same way (and sometimes in the same part of our brain) as we feel physical injury. In fact, phrases like “broken heart” or “wounded spirit,” or “hurt feelings” are not simply metaphors. According to a group of researchers headed by Ethan Kross at the University of Michigan, the evidence is that emotional pain activates the same part of your brain as physical pain. (See also the terrific blogs by my PT colleagues Peg Streep and Melanie Greenberg on some of the fascinating research into the physical connections to emotional pain.)
So what does this mean about recovering from the breakup of a relationship?
For one thing, it means recognizing that you are suffering from an injury. The following 6 steps are based on doctor-recommended procedures for healing from a physical injury.
1. Allow yourself time to heal. Get enough rest. And feed yourself well, even if you don't feel much like eating. Food nourishes your body, and this is a time that your body needs nourishment to repair itself.
When you are physically injured, you are often told to stay off of the injured part of your body for a period of time. According to the Mayo Clinic, both mental exertion and a too early return to physical activity after a brain injury (such as a concussion) can worsen symptoms and puts the injured person at risk of potentially permanent damage. The same can be true for the injuries of a breakup. Sometimes it seems like an emotional injury doesn’t get credit for being as painful as it is. When there’s a physical sign of distress – a cast or a sling or crutches – we get a lot of sympathy. But while people may be sympathetic about the pain of a breakup for awhile, they often want us to get over it before we actually are healed. In such situations, it’s important to remind yourself – and maybe gently remind your well-intentioned sister or aunt or friend – that like emotional injuries, like physical injuries, take time.
2. So what’s the equivalent of resuming physical activity after a breakup? Dating? Not exactly. That would be like going back to running five miles after you’ve been off a broken leg for 6 weeks. Just as with physical exercise, it’s important to start back slowly and carefully, to give your body and your psyche a chance to get used to the activity. You need to rebuild your feeling muscles just as you rebuild your physical muscles. Maybe start with a quiet evening with friends, or a drink with an old buddy. You can see how it feels, and when you feel ready, you can try a larger social event.
3. When you do start dating again, be prepared for some anxiety and discomfort. It’s natural to be guarded in these situations. You’re going to have an automatic fear of being hurt again. Slow and easy is the way to move forward, just as you would if you were increasing your exercise regimen after hurting yourself. I encourage people I work with to share with their dates that they are just getting over a breakup. Although there are some counselors who disagree with this advice, my thinking is that saying it gives you a little more leeway to go even more slowly. It’s like saying that you just got a cast taken off your leg, so you can’t run full out right now. It doesn’t mean you won’t be able to in the near future. Sure, it might scare some potential dates away; but my feeling is that they might not have been the best match for you at this point in your recovery anyway.
4. At some point, you will notice that you are genuinely feeling better. One danger of this stage is that you may have gotten too comfortable in your recovery position. Maybe you’re afraid to take a chance. Maybe you’ve gotten some of the nurturing you really needed, not just after this breakup, but in life. Maybe you’ve gotten comfortable feeling sorry for yourself or focusing on your anger at your old partner. These thoughts and feelings can keep you stuck when you’re actually ready to move on. Some honest soul searching can help you move on. Are you afraid of repeating old patterns? Are you ready to make some changes in how you approach dating and relationships?
Use this entry time to assess your real hopes and desires about a relationship. Now is a good time to make a realistic appraisal of what went wrong with the relationship that just ended. Did you miss early signs that something was wrong? Can you take responsibility for your own part in the difficulties? What can you do differently this time? And what can you ask for from your next partner that maybe you didn’t let yourself put out there with the last one?
5. Once you have healed, let go of the old relationship. You’re ready to move towards a new one, but chances are good that you won’t meet the “right” person immediately. Take advantage of the opportunity to meet new people – maybe some you wouldn’t have ever gotten to know otherwise. Learn something new and return to old pleasures. Don’t make snap decisions and don’t jump into something new just because it feels comfortable – or because it feels different.
6. And finally, remember that injuries can lead to growth and new directions. Take your healthy heart out into the world and find yourself a new and healthy relationship!
Copyright @ F.DianeBarth2014
Readings:
Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain Ethan Kross, Marc G. Berman, Walter Mischel, Edward E. Smith, Tor D. Wager. Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A. 2011 April 12; 108(15): 6270–6275. Published online 2011 March 28. doi: 10.1073/pnas.1102693108 http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3076808/ PMCID: PMC3076808 Accessed November 1, 2014
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