The blogosphere exploded this last week with the publication of new research showing that many men and women anticipate a relationship's ultimate failure. The research agency OnePoll released a study showing that half of all women keep in touch with a "back up husband" in case their current marriage ends in divorce. Another study from the University of Indiana bolstered the OnePoll findings, determining that men and women used Facebook, as Washington Post "The Intersect" columnist Caitlin Dewey put it, to "keep in touch with back-burners—exes or platonic friends they know they could connect with romantically, should their current relationships go south."
This is not a new phenomenon . We described this very behavior in Chapter 11 of our book "The Tiiger Woods Syndrome, comparing the life pattern of a typical relationship to the mathetmatical concept of the sine curve. Originally we observed it in women but the latest research shows it is indeed practiced by both men and women. Let us look at the sine curve at this link.
When the sine curve begins at zero the average person begins to become interested in a potential lover. Their increased interest is depicted on the y-axis,the time in the relationship by the x-axis.
Over time their interest in a person will increase to the threshold of dating them. At this point, interest is measured as 0.7071 on the y axis or Pi/4 on the x axis on the chart of the sine curve. From this point onward the woman and man are a couple.
The slope of the sine curve is positive until it peaks at 1.0000 on the y axis or Pi/2 on the x axis, reflecting the upside of any dating relationship. When the sine curve reaches1.0000, there is both good news and bad news for the happy couple. 1.0000 represents the apex of the relationship. Both partners are completely satisfied with the relationship at this point in time. At 1.0000 things will never be so good again. Many a romantic looks back at his or her broken relationship and yearns for the 1.0000 moment, which in dating, can be approximated at a homecoming or prom dance, a special time together or a romantic weekender. For the married couple the peak 1.000 point will usually be the first few years, especially for those in "mirage" marriages based on the ephemeral notions of physical attraction and charm with no consideration for compatibility, shared world view or common interests and goals.
According to the sine curve theory of human dating and mating behavior, after the peak is reached, things slowly begin to deteriorate. Although the couple is still together, one or both begins to sense that something isn’t right. But for many, a trip to the relationship counselor is not in order. Instead, one or both will begin to look elsewhere to meet a basic need: both men and women do not like to be alone. They like to have someone to sit across from at restaurants, tell how their day went, enjoy romantic interludes with and take on vacations. There are formal dances, holiday and family get-togethers, club, fraternity or sorority functions and Friday and Saturday nights that demand an escort. They simply need somebody to be that person, the dutiful boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, and if they have decided you don’t make the cut for the part-time or permanent position, they begin to look elsewhere for suitable candidates.They may still be dating, living with or be married to you, but that loving feeling is slipping away. At this point they will begin to look for other potential partners to replace the current number one sine curve relationship, whose slope is now becoming increasingly negative.
As time progresses, the sine curve again reaches 0.7071 on the y axis or 3 Pi/4 on the x axis, this time on the downward slope of the sine curve. The relationship is again at the threshold of dating/not dating, which we all call “breaking up.”
The unsuspecting partner may not know it at the time, but when the relationship has long since peaked, then their dissatisfied mate will break up with them. Unfortunately, many men and women in mirage relationships don’t see the downward side of 0.7071 coming. They deny the signs something is amiss. They aren’t able to sense the negative feelings and pick up on the negative body language their unhappy partner has been emitting for a while. They are the ones who feel betrayed while their ex has merrily moved on to another boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife.
According to the research from OnePoll and Indiana University, many men and women will have several future "sine curves" to cultivate at work and play or on the internet even as they are dating, living with, or are married to another one. As they end one relationship at the negative end of 0.7071, they will have another potential new lover at the threshold of dating on the positive side of 0.7071 on another sine curve. Thus the man or woman can theoretically never be without an escort if they carefully end one sine curve while they simultaneously begin another.
It certainly represents a new low in male-female relations when both can be so callous to already be planning their next relationship while the marriage or cohabitation bed is still warm. But that is love in 2014. The word for the wise is to never take your relationship for granted. Who knows who lurks in the shadows ready to take your place?