From my personal and professional experiences – as a marriage counselor -- a relationship that goes unscathed and unchallenged is a notable exception, and at times may be due to passivity or an avoidance of confrontation. Regrettably, conflict and struggle become ordinary facets of our partnering. Over time, what often begins, as a loving and intimately connected union tends to wither and fall from grace. It seems a rather common denominator that relationships are a challenge for almost all of us. We might well consider why that is the case.
When we struggle in our relationships, the tendency is to blame our partner or ourselves as we spiral down in disappointment and frustration. Although this conflict often has its roots in the battle of right vs. wrong, it becomes exacerbated by the fact that we are simply unschooled in the art of relationships. It’s illogical to personalize these struggles. Why would we succeed in something that we’re totally unprepared for?
Relationship Illiteracy
The underlying problem is, more often than not, that the couple—and individuals in platonic or familial relationships as well—have not learned the subtleties and skills necessary for successful relating and communicating. In nothing else in life do we expect to succeed without some education or training. We are well schooled in history, math, languages, and science for the purpose of prospering in life, so we seek at least a modicum of literacy in these areas.
Yet there is an intrinsic and fundamental skill set that is omitted from our curriculum: relationship and emotional intelligence and, of course, effective communication. I would contend that this is why we struggle and disappoint one another and ourselves with the frequency that we do.
How can we possibly expect to thrive in our relationships if we are illiterate in this most vital area? From this premise, we might at least begin to remove the blame factor from our relationships. It’s not our fault if we’ve never been shown the way. Blaming yourself or your partner mires you in a destructive energy. Guilt is even less productive. Such a perspective frees many of my clients from the blame game. This doesn’t suggest that we’re off the hook but rather indicates that we might elect to begin our learning.
Love Is Not All You Need
Contrary to Lennon and McCartney’s lyrics, love is not all you need. While it’s a great start, we need to understand the subtleties and nuances of relating, or we we’ll lose that loving energy. From working with couples, I can’t recall a single instance in which one individual was completely faultless and enlightened and the partner was completely responsible for the problems at hand. It simply doesn’t work that way. Instead, there is a curious synergy at play whereby one’s needs or challenges are entirely entangled with those of the partner. In other words, when one person begins on his or her path of personal evolution, the change invariably triggers new challenges—and opportunities—for the partner. This resembles a very participatory dance, reminiscent of way in which crisis floods new opportunities for transformation, both individually and as a couple.
Another Beatle, George Harrison, wrote and sang the following:
Isn’t it a pity?
Isn’t it a shame?
How we break each other’s hearts
How we cause each other pain
Yes, it is a pity, and it need not be that way. Learning to feel competent, if not masterful, in relationships is achievable. There are many paths to this process, but I’d beware of quick-fix solutions. In fact, the goal is not to fix a relationship. Words aren’t simply semantic; they are informing us of a larger issue. A relationship is not a piece of machinery or an electronic device that is broken. At times, I’ve had people ask me if their relationship is salvageable. That very question points to the problem of insufficient expectations. We should not seek repair or salvage but joyfulness and fulfillment. Fixing, repairing, and salvaging are the nomenclature of machinery, whereby we attribute machine-like qualities to humans and, in this regard, our relationships. It’s small wonder we experience such abysmal results when we engage each other from a mechanistic stance.
Not infrequently, couples that have recently become engaged see me for premarital therapy. They may be totally happy and in love but are well aware of the sobering statistics confronting their future. They correctly believe that a foundation in relationship and communication will serve them well. We must engage in this process not from a perspective of fault, blame, or dysfunction but with a motivated eagerness to learn. Take a wellness approach to your relationships. Embracing the art of relating is the best assurance to a joyful life. To do so requires that we understand and embrace the process of commitment. This is devotion both to the relationship—which, of course, includes our relationship with self—and to our continued learning. They are in no way separate.
Why Do We Mean by Commitment?
What does this word commitment suggest? It usually evokes a strong sense of devotion, and it’s typically accompanied by a declaration of purpose and intention. Very often, we utilize this word in regard to proclamations that we may make about the seriousness of our relationships, such as “I’m in a committed relationship” or “I’m completely committed to this relationship.” In such circumstances, what exactly are we saying?
These offerings of relationship commitments are typically statements about behavior or proposed outcomes. For example, “I’m committed to you,” suggests that I won’t be seeking another relationship, or that I’m going to be monogamous. These pledges are prevalent in most unions, and particularly marriage. Marriage is an undertaking of legal vows to substantiate our pledge to fidelity, if not continued love. However, statistics reveal that even when we formalize our relationship through the compact of marriage, there is as much likelihood of failure as success. Infidelity and/or divorce are, in fact, just as likely as fidelity and lifelong marriage. So, if our most honored pledges aren’t kept, we need to understand why that occurs.
The problem arises because we are making promises about behaviors and outcomes while ignoring the necessary processes to achieve those goals. Imagine a C student declaring her intention to attain straight A’s but not devoting herself any further to her studies. Or your proclaiming that you’re going to lose thirty pounds with no game plan as to how to do so. Without paying attention to what is required to achieve the goal, the commitment turns out to be just wishful thinking and lip service. If we become aware of the required process, we can at least choose to undertake those steps necessary to do so.
How often do we hear of people committing to the process of relationship? Do we pledge to share our truth, work on developing our emotional intimacy, learn how to listen and validate each other, and devote ourselves to ensuring that our union prospers? If indeed we focused on the integrity of this process, the relationship might flourish. What might happen if we committed to learning the necessary communication tools to support that process or if we prioritized our relationships by actually valuing them over competing interests that seem to get in the way?
During the early stages of a romantic partnering, both people may experience the courtship as front and center, the priority in their lives. Regrettably, after the conquest has been achieved and the bond secured—or so we might think—we tend to deprioritize and devalue the partnership. We begin with our focus on the inner relationship but over time default to the familiarity of the outer relationship, the form as opposed to the content.
When I ask couples if they’re talking about their issues with one another, they often answer that they don’t have time. And, as unseemly as it appears, too often many couples actually don’t make enough private time to spend together, commonly falling back on the refrain that life has gotten too busy. Some couples might not even recall their last date night, which while possibly cliché, is nevertheless an important component of keeping courtship alive. Without private time together, we shouldn’t be surprised if falling out of love or experiencing an affair, conflict, or ultimately a divorce might regrettably ensue. If not, at least we might expect a prevailing mediocrity in such relationships.
What Is an Outcome?
The fear of making mistakes blocks us from seeing the flowing nature of reality and our participatory role in that process. Mistakes focus on outcomes rather than on process. The same faulty thinking applies to our typical notions relating to commitment. Ordinarily, pledges of commitment are about the end result—the outcome. What we refer to as a result is but a momentary snapshot. You can choose to look at the singular event that we call an outcome, or you can consider whether a half-hearted engagement to the process led to that event. When we make vows about the result and ignore the process, we delude ourselves. What we truly need to look at is the flow of our experiences and the quality of how we choose to live them. If we learn to become present in the moment, then what we refer to as outcomes—actually moments that we freeze in time—will be what they should. But if we pledge merely to the outcome and ignore the process, we’ve sabotaged both.
An Option to Renew
Perhaps it is ironic that the formalizing of our relationships—at times through marriage—tends to result in the loss of authentic engagement. The prevailing attitude for most people is that they feel secured by the marriage license and no longer need to engage in maintaining the emotional connection that was necessary to originally secure the relationship. Short of the disruption of divorce, the marriage simply survives, although too often in a sea of discontent.
How different would our relationships look if marriage were simply a five-year renewable contract? Before your thoughts protest this suggestion, just consider the implications. Such an arrangement might actually honor the sanctity of the marriage, and the benefits might be clearly discernible. The assumption that a marriage contract protects an existing relationship creates the inertial tendency to sleepwalk through that relationship.
Yet if either person could simply decline to renew the contract, without all of the incumbent drama and blame associated with divorce, it might motivate each party to truly engage in the process of the relationship. The literal commitment to the process would become essential to the partnership’s survival, shifting from a meaningless offer of future promises to a veritable tool of engagement. Under such a system, we would be less inclined to take one another for granted. From this shift, the relationship would more likely serve as a vessel for potential joy and gratification as opposed to a justification for our discontent.
Given that such a radical reconfiguration to the institution of marriage would have a profound impact on our children and disturb our prototypical notion of family, this isn’t likely to occur anytime soon. Yet if we treated one another in such a manner, the genuine process of commitment would no doubt benefit our relations. Without the devotion to the process of relating, a dulled and predictable familiarity occurs and sets up a regrettable and disappointing result. If we rethink how we engage our relationships, we might very well thrive in them.
This article was excerpted from Mel's forthcoming book, A Shift of Mind.
Mel Schwartz LCSW is a psychotherapist and marriage counselor practicing in Westport, CT and Manhattan. He also offers telephone and skype sessions. He can be reached at 203.227.5010 or Mel@melschwartz.com. Mel is the author of The Art of Intimacy, The Pleasure of Passion and the soon to be published A Shift of Mind.
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