Toxic relationships are ones where one party often feels wounded by the other. They exist in families, marriage and dating relationships, among friends, even longtime friends, and at work, among co-workers and bosses.
Toxic people hurt others with their worlds, often unintentionally and sometimes on purpose. They feel bad of themselves, so they make other people around them feel bad too. Misery loves company seems to be their approach. Toxic relationships are often dominated by hurtful remarks, constant sarcasm, belittling behaviors, or passive-aggressive interactions. The hallmark of a toxic relationship is where you feel bad after being around the other person and don't always know why. If you feel a sense of dread when you see the person's number appear on your Caller ID, or you feel uneasy when having to talk with a co-worker or meet with a boss because of the way they make you leave feeling fearful, angry, or frustrated, then that's a toxic person. They lack empathy and can be narcissistically-entitled, meaning if you feel bad as a result of an encounter with them, it's your fault and not theirs.
How do toxic people invade your life? Slowly at first, then all at once. Some relationships degrade over time into toxicity because of an event or a falling out, but others are toxic at the start and people on the receiving end rationalize their poor treatment by the other person as just a personality quirk, or an eccentricity. They say things like, "I like this person, except when they do this and this," which actually happens quite regularly. Folks around them say, "Why do you let him or her treat you that way or say those things?" and they don't have a good answer.
People are usually social creatures, especially in the workplace, where the need to fit in and have friends and colleagues you like or at least can tolerate is a necessity, since we spend so much time there and with them. Most folks start out wanting to feel good about other people. They can misread their own intuitive signals about the possibility of toxicity in another person, in the interest of wanting to be friends or to co-exist. Women tend to be more inclusive and may tolerate more toxicity in their friendships with other toxic women in the hopes that time will smooth things out or different ways of interacting will make things better. In dating relationships, the old adage is always true: if it's bad in the beginning and bad in the middle, it's going to end badly. It's so rare that people who couldn't stand each other at the start of their dating time get married and live happily ever after.
Toxic people are stress-makers. Whether it's from shouting or losing their temper inappropriately or by being mean and saying horrible things, which they often apologize for and say again anyway - they cause stress in others. This manifests in people on the receiving end into headaches, neck aches, back pain, stomach problems, general anxiety, frequent nagging illnesses, or eating and sleeping problems. When you say, "My horrible relatives are coming to town for the weekend. I bet it's going to be a lousy time," it turns out to be just the lousy time you predicted. We don't say this about positive, supportive, empowering people in our lives; we look forward to their visits.
The mind-body connection between stress and the impact on our physical health is clear. Stress on the inside causes stress to manifest on the outside. People who are having trouble with stress hurt themselves with food, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, prescription or illegal drugs. They can grind their teeth, become constantly sleep-deprived through worry, and develop autoimmune or digestive issues.
Someone in a toxic relationship is like a person in a small boat that's sinking; the more he or she tries to bail out the water, the faster the boat goes down. Waiting for the other person to change without consequences for their behavior, a therapy intervention, or actual signs they are willing to save the relationship by being better and different immediately, means there is little sense in hanging on. All motivation is self-motivation. If toxic people don't see why they need to change - loss of their job, spouse, kids, friends, family - they won't.
For people dealing with toxic relationships at work, they have some choices, which can be difficult: accept the situation and the other person's behavior as toxic, rise above it, and don't let him or her grind you down; confront colleagues with direct feedback and ask them not to say or do certain specific things around you you find hurtful; or contact your boss's boss or HR and ask for a consultation about what to do to work more effectively with a toxic supervisor. Some people transfer or quit and feel better the moment they did.
Many organizations have EAP or Employee Assistance Program professionals to help with the personal and professional stressors that come from toxic home or work relationships. Getting help from a licensed clinician can help people feel empowered and back in control of their lives. It helps to patience and perspective: I know I'm a good person and it's not about me, it's about the toxic person.
What’s the longterm impact when toxic people finally leave you alone or leave your life? Longtime friendships or work relationships that have derailed because of toxic behaviors can be painful. Some people feel angry at themselves that they let them go on for too long, or that they rationalized bad behavior in the hopes that the other person would change. Others feel sad that they wasted time, emotions, and bad feelings on someone who did not really treat them with respect. But we always fe
el better when have the courage to get or let these people out of our lives.
Dr. Steve Albrecht is internationally-known for his writing, speaking, and training on workplace violence and school violence prevention. He manages a San Diego-based training and consulting firm specializing in high-risk HR, security, and work culture issues. He holds a doctorate in Business Administration, an MA in Security Management, a BS in Psychology, and a BA in English. He is board certified in HR, security, and employee coaching. He has written 16 books, including Ticking Bombs: Defusing Violence in the Workplace (Irwin, 1994), one of the first books on this subject. He worked for the San Diego Police Department for 15 years. Download his podcast, “Crime Time with Steve Albrecht” or sign up for his newsletter at DrSteveAlbrecht.com
He can be reached at DrSteve@DrSteveAlbrecht.com or on Twitter @DrSteveAlbrecht