We ordinarily make snap judgments upon meeting someone we do not know, often based on similar attributes of those we have encountered in the past. And, our insight generally proves to be true. But sometimes we are wrong, and this can lead not only to devastating disappointment, but heartbreak.
The problem is that we don’t have a quick and ready, reliable way to evaluate another person— predicting another’s foremost values and consequent behavior. It is important for students attending college to size-up another’s character, not just to share common values, but to avoid unnecessary conflict.
The cardinal virtue of any predictive behavioral behavior based upon one’s values is its ability to distinguish between which values and behaviors are malleable, and those more or less innate. Those that are malleable are mostly opinions, but those that are innate are intractable, need to be identified as quickly as possible.
The most common innate criterion is conformity, the need to belong. Those of us with this criterion enjoy the company of others, comradery, and feeling at one with others, whether it be in or out of the classroom; palling around with friends; screaming and cheering at a sports event; or sitting around laughing at a beer bar.
The second innate criterion is the need for self-mastery, self-control, and self-perfection. Those of us with this criterion are often loners, slightly suspicious of others, and into physical fitness, vocabulary building, or religious rectitude. In or out of our quarters, we always lock our doors; if we are found at a party, it will be sipping our wine on the outer fringe of the room; when we use a public restroom, we will carefully avoid touching the door handle on our way out.
The third innate criterion is the need for power, thrill-seeking, and exhibitionism. Those of us with this criterion enjoy outsmarting/manipulating others, prone to dare-devil risk-taking, and forever trying to impress other people with his or her abilities and/or possessions. We may have a primary innate criterion, like the need to belong and a secondary criterion such as the need for thrills, or it could be vise-versa.
The obvious advantage of recognizing our own as well as others innate criteria is not just to quickly size up another’s innate criteria and adjust our interaction accordingly, but if we are a conformist or loner, to have second thoughts about dating or getting into a car with a thrill-seeker behind the wheel.
Examine your own and friends innate criteria to know where you converge and where you don’t.
In addition to the foregoing innate criteria is our most favored sensory system, be it visual, auditory or kinesthetic. Those who lead visually can quickly size-up others with a quick glance, are great at abstract thinking, and make instant decisions. Those who are primarily auditory, are slower in decision-making, but have a facility for words, readily learn foreign languages, are into music. And those who lead with their kinesthetic system, are in touch with their feelings.
We generally have a favored sensory system, along with a secondary stem, but rarely are we facile in all three systems. Lasting friendships often favor complementary primary systems, but connect with a secondary system. For instance, we may be visual and the other auditory, but we share common feelings. The two opposing modal strengths decrease competition, while the warmth of the kinesthetic binds the relationship.
Problems still will arise from time to time, however, when the visual person becomes inpatient with an auditory person’s deliberate decision-making, or the auditory person’s perpetual correcting visual person’s pronunciation of words and grammar. It is important that each respect the other’s strength in a given situation and not blame the other for not seeing or hearing whatever it is.
Identify your own and friends lead sensory system to respect and better appreciate your differences.
Those who favor both their visual and auditory systems can be very successful in their chosen field, but often unsuccessful in social and family relationships, where the kinesthetic connection may be neglected. Successfully identifying one’s own neglected system is crucial to making long-term commitments. When buying a car, a house, or marrying our lover, to neglect or ignore one of our three senses will place us at a major disadvantage.
For instance, in deciding to get married, we can check out each sensory modality individually. What do we feel, hear, and see. “He makes me feel terrific, I love hearing him tell me how much he loves me, but somehow, I just don’t see us settling down in a house surrounded by a little white picket fence. But, I’m getting older. No one is perfect in this world. So I’ll go ahead and get married.” As we might expect, this romance is over and done with in about six months.
Let us play another scenario: “She looks like a million dollars and boy, does she make me feel great when we are in the company of others or by ourselves, yet something tells me that this cannot last. But, to heck with self-doubt, I’ll propose tonight.” Again, as we might expect, this romance also is headed for failure.
And, our final scenario: “He looks great, sounds great, yet I feel something doesn’t quite fit.” And, of course, it doesn’t.
These three sensory systems operate independently. Our self-interest is best served when we get the green light in all three systems, since the ignored sensory system will always prevail.