For both women and men, so many issues revolve around the relationship with their significant other, or the loss or lack of a significant other. The one question we want to ask readers is: Do you really want a healthy relationship? Relationships should be a place of rest and acceptance, not a place of fear. They should be a place for us to reveal our true selves to one another and express a healthy sexuality. But many of us have been wounded, both in our upbringing from imperfect parents and in our prior relationships. How in the world, with all these obstacles in place, do we get there?
We have to first pat ourselves on the back and not blame ourselves for our past romances and marriages that went sour. We have grown up in a culture that pushes us into unhealthy relationships. When we were preteens and were looking for role models on TV, movies and in music to lead us to romantic success, we were given a blueprint for failure: Charlie Harper on "Two and a Half Men", Sam Malone in "Cheers", lyrics like "Do it baby", "Hello, I love can you tell me your name","Love the one you're with", "You're sixteen , you're beautiful and you're mine". All this did was teach us to base our romances on the superficial qualities of physical attraction and charm. There was no connecting of souls. We were taught to hold back on the real stuff until after we were sure we had them hooked. Then we were afraid to share because we didn't want to ruin the illusion of love. When we made attempts to open up we were met with stony silence. This was not a place of acceptance and rest but a place of uncertainty, fear and deception.
For Jane, a 45 year old nurse, relationships with men were a place of fear. There was no mutual sharing with her emotionally indifferent partners. First there was John, an insurance agent, who used the food and prescription narcotics to numb himself instead of dealing with his issues in the relationship. Then there was Mike, a advertising executive, who became emotionally frozen and sought solace with others after the loss of their 4 year old daughter. Finally there was Tom, a web site designer of whom she knew absolutely nothing. She certainly had no role models with her parents own tortured marriage. Eventually Jane realized she was going nowhere in life, became despondent and hit rock bottom. Then she heard about the 12 step tradition, attended meetings dealing with codependency and changed her life. She began the slow but steady journey from deceptive living to health.
One aspect of our journey from deception to health is to get in touch with our spirituality. We define spirituality as our relationship with Creation, our Higher Power if we have one, and to the creative process. It is in our spirituality that we find meaning to life and our purpose in the tribe we call the human race. Through our spirituality we have contentment in what we are apart from our actions.
We experience so much anger, fear and despair in our youth as we struggle to find purpose and value to life. Writer Henri Nouwen observed that it starts early: “The word ‘school’ …comes from ‘schola’, meaning free time, remind[ing] us that schools were originally meant to interrupt a busy existence and create some space to contemplate the mysteries of life. Today they have become an arena for a hectic race to accomplish as much as possible, and to acquire in a short period the necessary tools to survive the great battle of human life.”
Former Yale English professor William Deresiewicz's new book, "Excellent Sheep", describes this place of fear. He quotes a Stanford University student who said, "For many students, rising to the absolute top means being consumed by the system. I've seen my peers sacrifice health, relationships, exploration, activities that can't be quantified and are essential for developing souls and hearts, for grades and resume building. " No wonder so many of us grow up fearful, either producing the good grades or giving up.
Because of damage in our childhood from the school system of fear as well as parents who weren't there for us due to their own character flaws and addictions, many of us can't accept just being and must fill our lives with doing. Some of us even lose ourselves in religious activities, thinking it will solve the problem. But eventually the busyness isn't enough and the emptiness leads to acting out and lashing out, or even considering suicide when things fall apart as they eventually do. Instead of being busy, we may even go to the opposite extreme and become aimless and burned out. Often women in their late 30s hit the wall and face this “midlife crisis” as their biological clock strikes midnight or their kids leave the nest. Many couples hit the midlife wall when they discover they have nothing in common except shared alienation after two decades of busyness raising a family.It's a cliche that some men fill the midlife crisis void by buying a sports car. But that is wasting a great opportunity.
This crisis can be a life-altering moment to explore and consider new ways of thinking and living, leave the old failed lifestyle patterns behind and finally enjoy true intimacy, defined by psychologist Harriet Lerner of the Menninger Clinic as "a relationship where one can be one's self and provide space for someone else to do the same, where we deepen and refine the truths we tell each other, where we hear each other and talk to each other about sensitive information." It is frightening to leave the comfortable sickness and numbing behaviors that served us like an old ratty security blanket. But the rewards are definitely worth the risk.