When I was a child, before I sat down for dinner I used to ritualistically circle the dinner table and hit each of my siblings on the head. Why? No particular reason. I was an idiot and I was a kid.
Fighting between kids can be overwhelming. Sometimes it seems like there’s no way to stop it. Yelling doesn't work. Spanking seems to make things worse. What can a parent do?
The last hit rule
When I was a kid we had a simple rule. Whoever hit last got the punishment. We called it the last hit rule.
The rule seemed unfair at the time. Maybe it is unfair. But it takes advantage of a key rule of behavioral learning. If you want to change someone, incentivize the behavior you want. The last hit rule didn’t stop us from starting fights—but it gave us reason to end them. Most of the fights in my house ended after one or two hits.
In most families, either both kids are punished after a fight, or the instigator is punished. The problem is, once the fight is underway there's no incentive for either party to stop. You're going to get punished anyway. With the last hit rule, the incentive is to stop.
From a kid's perspective, there's a second, more perverse incentive for ending a fight: Withholding retaliation gets my brother in trouble, which satisfies my desire for revenge.
Gang violence
Incentives to stop violence get a lot bigger than kids squabbling at home. They also work miracles in preventing gang violence in the worst neighborhoods in America.
David M. Kennedy was part of the "Boston Miracle," a program that reduced gang-related homicide rates in Boston by up to 65 percent. It has spread to over 70 cities (learn more here). Part of the program's philosophy was to offer gang members a choice: If your gang kills someone the police will go after you no holds barred. But if you quit killing we'll offer you all of the help we can.
The novelty of this approach is that it rewarded gangs for withholding violence. Like with the last hit rule, punishment wasn’t the only option. There was a choice: Stop and make things better, continue and make things worse. And it worked miracles.
By creating the right kind of incentives, it's possible to diminish violence and make a difference in your family or in the world.