In last month’s post, I looked at bereavement groups. This month, I am focusing on bereavement retreats that specialize in pregnancy and neonatal loss. Exploring these interventions individually is important for women in grief because different modalities offer different benefits to different people at different times. There is no correct way to grieve, and no particular arc for the grief. Women who suffer loss often do not give themselves permission for self-care owing to a host of factors that can include (but are not limited to) guilt, overwhelming sadness, financial constraints, and logistics.
Last spring I attended a retreat for bereaved women held in the Ojai Valley region of California. The retreat was organized by Kiley Hanish, co-creator of the film Return To Zero about a couple whose first child dies in utero shortly before his due date. The film stars 2014 Emmy award-nominated actress Minnie Driver and is based upon the loss Hanish and her husband writer/director Sean suffered in 2005. Kiley Hanish decided to formally launch the Return To Zero Retreats following the release of Return To Zero, in an effort to reach out to bereaved women to help foster healing. She is currently developing future retreats in different regions both nationally and internationally.
The Return To Zero Retreats feature activities to promote healing and reflection. They include yoga and meditation, writing workshops, and discussion groups led by perinatal bereavement experts. Says Hanish, “I hope that [participants] leave with more hope – at a better place – than they arrived at. And that they can use the retreats to nurture themselves - that they can find a community of women who can support them in the future.” She notes that it is her intent that individual women will return on more than one occasion to connect and re-connect with others who understand their experience.
In developing perinatal loss retreats, Hanish has identified an important need. Talking about pregnancy and neonatal loss remains a social taboo. This, despite the fact that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and an additional 50,000 children are stillborn or die within the first thirty days of life in the United States each year. The development of perinatal loss retreats show that that modalities of treatment can be improved for this specific and often neglected population. “The loss of a child results in parental grief that is more intense and is of longer duration than any other form of grief, writes William Brown (Weekend Therapeutic Retreats for Bereaved Parents: Effects on Depression, Quality of Life, and Perceptions of Overall Support). He found that bereaved parents who participated in retreats experienced a decreased level of depression and an enhanced quality of life as a result. According to Brown, “[T]his study significantly enhances positive social change initiatives by validating an efficacious treatment modality for bereaved parents.”
According to Annette Kersting, M.D. and Birgit Wagner, Ph.D, “[W]hile there is a large body of literature on the subject of risk factors and patterns of grieving, very little research exists documenting the efficacy of different interventions … further research is deemed necessary … especially in the areas of general prevention of complex grief development, tackling high risk subgroups and possible courses of action to help parents already suffering from complex grief.” Studies demonstrate that participants benefit from the social support of the perinatal loss community in the absence of greater societal understanding concerning baby loss. Echoing the importance of such support in a retreat setting, one recent participant said: “The Return To Zero Retreat is a necessary resource for mothers who feel out of place in their larger communities. It is a reassurance that the emotions we are feeling are vital. It is a safe place to express these feelings and for once feel like we belong somewhere.”
In California, I was struck by how far outside my comfort zone I had come. The warmth of southern California was a revelation. I had flown from New York, caught in the icy throes of the polar vortex. All at once, I was standing upon the warm, terracotta earth that instantly recalled to me the writings of John Steinbeck. Bountiful fruit ranches were saturated with color. Warm breezes carried the scent of citrus zest everywhere. There was an indefinable stirring of something forgotten within me – a whisper or a shadow of who I once was.
As the car wound its way up and down steep and stunning hills and valleys, I thought about why I had come. My loss is nearly a decade old now, but I am always aware of the adaptive and maladaptive ways loss has shaped my parenting. I am now mother to three living children, and my work post-loss has been trying to walk a line between testing reality and living easily within the bounds of the normal. When I learned that this retreat was taking place, I signed up – this despite the fact that I have trouble leaving my living children (see above under maladaptive) and also the knowledge that a retreat could conceivably challenge me to face the difficulties in coping that I have become adept at avoiding.
The retreat I attended was composed of women who shared my experience. I worked to shed my skin – the one that I have used to protect my son and myself from societal misunderstanding. We women sat on couches around an outdoor fireplace and traded in our aspirations and fears, each of which was represented by a clear glass marble. People wept. We shared stories. We let down our guards and a palpable relief rose up from the circle. In the fading afternoon light I wanted to cover myself with a blanket and rest my head. A woman I did not know reached out and grasped my hand. I understood then that I would need to learn to reopen myself – would need to be able to access this lost part of me. I understood also that this would be a process of opening and closing like an eye – seeing things in shadow and light and dark. I was overwhelmed with sadness and gratitude. John Steinbeck wrote, “We are lonesome animals. We spend all our life trying to be less alone. One of our ancient methods is to tell a story begging the listener to say – and to feel – ‘yes, that is the way it is, or at least the way I feel it. You are not as alone as you thought.’”
For Further information about the Return To Zero Retreats, please visit www.returntozerothemovie.com.