"Why fit in when you were born to stand out." - Dr. Suess
One challenge of looking different is that you stand out. This can also be a benefit in many situations; however, there are several not-so-pleasant realities of being different. I remember for school pictures they would line everyone up according to height. It was always awkward to have to go to the very back of the line, even behind most of the girls. This was always a humiliating display of my lack of height.
Another time when I felt the sting of standing out was during P.E. class. We would stand in a big clump as the two team captains— who were always the tallest and most athletic boys—would begin picking the other tall and athletic boys to be on their team. Soon, the only boys left were the short, small boys. I was the shortest and, thus, was often standing all by myself, getting picked dead last. Not being wanted by either team had a way of making me feel very warm and bubbly inside. The people I interviewed shared similar struggles. They described the challenges of standing out to include: people staring at you, receiving unwanted attention, and feeling abnormal.
#1 People Stare
Sometimes being different makes you feel like you are one of the main attractions in a zoo. Eric explained how people would stare at him because he was overweight and how he could feel people judging him for that:
"The people who stared at me should not be making fun of anyone. Go figure. That is the thing. That is how we were raised. That is what we grew up with. Have you ever tried losing weight before? Girls have so much trouble doing it. There are those boys who are skinny with metabolisms quicker than bullet trains who can eat anything they possibly want and never gain any weight. They look at us eating salads and fruit and we still cannot put off the weight. As we go out and exercise, people are always staring at the sweaty boy because he is fat."
This feeling of being stared at combined with the sense that others were judging him made life challenging for Eric.
Melissa described that people staring at her reminds her how different she is because she is tall. It is difficult for many people to feel like they are normal when others are staring at them. She recounts:
"There is something a bit jarring about noticing that you are getting stared at because you do not walk around thinking you are tall or different. You do not walk around thinking that, so when someone stares you think automatically, regardless of what you were thinking before, about how different you really are. I think that is a little bit upsetting. Both being stared at and for being avoided. They feel the same."
It is difficult for many people to feel like they are normal when others are staring at them.
For Chin-ti, a Korean native, the stares from others made her feel like a victim of racism: “An obvious time when I feel like I stand out is when I am in a dominantly white population. They do not mean to be racist, but you can tell that they think you are different when they are staring at you.”
Perhaps the people staring at Chin-ti were not racist, but on top of already being aware that she was different, their constant looks made her more uncomfortable.
Although, racism may have been at the heart of Juanita’s experience. She recalled a particularly painful experience when a girl was picking on her and everyone just stared:
"I just remember everyone was staring at me. No one said anything. She was making fun of me. Not even my friends said anything. I remember walking into my locker and just stayed there since I did not know where else to go. I stayed in there until my teacher found me. I told her what happened."
Understandably, the pain of being mocked and stared at was what made Juanita retreat into her locker. Perhaps, if she had looked more similar to the bystanders, they would have been more inclined to help her. Yet, she did not look like them and endured many instances in which she was on her own.
#2 Getting Sick of the Attention
As an extrovert, I always like the attention being short brought me because I enjoy being in the spotlight. However, for many of our participants, especially those who were introverted or shy by nature, it was extremely difficult to experience the added attention that being different than the norm seemed to bring. For instance, Liz said, “I have an introverted personality, which means I tend to be very reserved. I do not like to be the center of attention. I think being tall tends to get a lot of attention for me. I think people can be insensitive and make comments that draws a lot of attention to my height. I do not like when people talk about it.”
Katie, another tall female, described how she felt that standing out actually made her feel even shyer and left out:
"Because I am tall, I naturally felt left out, and so I gained more of a reserved personality. Everyone would laugh easily and I would just sit there. I was more shy because I did not want to draw more attention to me than I already had. I continued to gain a more quiet personality and so while everyone was laughing, I would feel left out. I do not think they were necessarily trying to exclude me, but I would exclude myself."
Notice that Katie admits to excluding herself from social interaction because she felt so awkward.
#3 Feeling Abnormal
Standing out can make you feel abnormal and nobody likes that feeling. Melody expressed her frustration: “There’s something wrong with me. Why am I so tall? …Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just be like everyone else?” Melody felt abnormal because of her size and longed to fit in.
Derek described how the last thing a teenager want is to stand out. He describes, “I was a lot taller than the girls, a lot taller than the other guys, and I just felt very tall. When you are a teenager, you want to fit in, blurring into everybody else. I think I was about 15 when I had to work through the fact that I was never going to fit in and never going to be ‘Joe cool.’ And that is just how it was.” Sadly, Derek saw standing out as negative and accepted his fate with a negative outlook.
Melinda with bright red hair felt incredibly out of place even in her own family. She described, “I prayed so many times, even as a little kid, I was like, ‘I don’t understand why I am here. I don’t belong here!’ I honestly felt like there was a mistake. I thought, ‘I don’t look like any of my family and I know I am not adopted!’”
You know that your feelings about being abnormal are justified when you begin questioning whether there was a mistake at your birth. Although I never had to feel out of place in my own home, yet, some do. Family is often the one place that people feel like they belong; however, some cannot feel that sense of normalcy at home.
Conclusion
Standing out definitely has its challenges. It is not only annoying, but it can be emotionally painful to have people stare at you all the time. If you are the type of person that does not enjoy attention, it can be tiring to have so much of it. Many people get frustrated with the sense that they do not look normal when they long to simply blend in with the crowd. Standing out can be painful, yet, we can use our own experiences to help others feel more accepted and comfortable because we understand what it feels like to be seen as different.
If you enjoyed this content, you'll love my book Standing up for Standing Out: Making the most of Being Different in Kindle or hard copy. It includes experiences from 74 people I interviewed who share their struggles and coping strategies on the topics of relationships, belonging, standing out, self-acceptance, working against labels, gaining understanding and compassion, and personal growth. Check it out!
“Each one of you has something no one else has, or has ever had: your fingerprints, your brain, your heart. Be an individual. Be unique. Stand out. Make noise. Make someone notice. That's the power of individuals.”
– Jon Bon Jovi