Solzhenitsyn suggested that “Hastiness and superficiality are the psychic diseases of the twentieth century.” How true! A very significant advantage of being different is that it can become an automatic filter for superficial people. Who would want to be friends or lovers with the type of shallow people who would judge you simply based on physical attributes anyway? Seriously, your being different becomes a fantastic way to drastically improve the chances that you will spend your time with people who love you for who you are as a person rather than for superficial qualities.
When I began dating my wife Olya, the first thing that struck me was this: she seemed to love me for exactly the person that I was. It was an amazing feeling of acceptance. I could sense that this was real and deep. Her loving me regardless of my quirky physical appearance meant the world to me.
You’re probably curious, so I’ll tell you that my wife is a full three inches taller than me. Did this bother her? Nope, and I could sense that. However, while we were dating her roommates and some of her closest friends were opposed to her dating me simply because of my height. They were quite open about it. They told her that it wasn’t kosher for someone of her height to date someone of my height, but it wasn’t an issue for her and she simply disregarded their concerns. Not only does my wife accept my size, but I think she is a very accepting person in general. I don’t feel like she’s always trying to change me and this has been very good for our relationship.
Now I’m not saying that being different will guarantee that you won’t have relationship struggles, but I do believe that your difference will reduce the frequency with which you will form intimate relationships with superficial people. In fact, some of the people we interviewed shared their experiences about how it helped them find both higher quality friends and romantic partners. In some cases those we interviewed reported that their friends not only accepted their physical difference but defended it to others. One woman we interviewed discovered that her physical defect could be remedied by surgery, but it was so valuable to her as a filter of shallow people that she chose not to do the surgery. Your difference can be an invaluable people filter.
Friendships
Friendships were often mentioned by those we interviewed as being more genuine due to their physical difference. Alex, an African American, described how being different helped him to hang out with a better caliber of people who weren’t shallow. He said, “Granted, people who don’t want to look on the inside, only look at the outward appearance. I’m not really interested in them either because they’re kind of shallow…. They miss out on all the things I have to offer, but on the other side, people who don’t care about that, I get to be in their group.” Alex was glad to be in a group of people who didn’t care about outward appearance and felt like this made a positive difference in his life.
Similarly, Melissa, recounts:
Sometimes I wonder what my social life would be like if I were just like everyone else. But then I have to fight it by saying that the people that take the time to look past that are the ones that are good to know I guess…. my life has become my quest sort of, to surround myself with people who see me.
Again, being very tall helped Melissa find and associate with the “good ones to know.” Those with whom you spend your time deeply affects the type of person you end up becoming. Your difference is a huge benefit to you in the long run insomuch as it guides you to a higher caliber of friends and associates.
Finding the Right Person to Marry
Research shows that physical appearance is the #1 factor in mate selection for men and very high on the list for women. So many people these days marry a person just because they like how they look on the outside. These are the same people who are cheating on their partners or divorcing them as soon as they gain weight with having a baby or as age sets in. One important advantage of being physically different is that a lot of these types of people are automatically weeded out. Katie said:
People are going to love you for who you are. That physical appearance may matter at first but once people get to know you, if they take the time to get to know you, then you know that they like you for who you are and not based on physicality. And I know a lot of the times girls seem to attract guys because of their looks. I don’t really get that, and so I never have to worry, ‘Oh, do they like me because of my personality or because of my looks?’ I automatically usually assume it’s because of my personality.
Katie had several friends who were never sure if the guys that liked them were into them just because of their looks or because of something deeper. For Katie it was clear and reassuring to realize that the guys who were interested in her really liked what matters most and will be enduring—her personality.
Daniel expressed a similar sentiment when thinking about getting married, “I always had this idea that when I met the woman I wanted to marry I wanted to be overweight. I wanted that, so that I knew she loved me [for who I am].” For Daniel, being overweight was one way that he could assure that he could find a marriage partner who was marrying him for the right reasons.
Deciding on a marriage partner is probably the most important decision you will make during your lifetime. Wouldn’t all the struggles you have endured be worthwhile if having this difference helped you to find someone to marry who really loves and accepts you for your personality, rather than for looks that tend to fade over time? As I mentioned earlier, my wife Olya accepted me for exactly who I am; this is the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Your physical difference will help you to narrow down the field to someone genuine who is attracted to you for the right reasons, the reasons that endure.
Beyond Accepting: Defending
In some cases, the test of those you are close to may extend beyond simply accepting your physical difference, they may even be willing to defend you. Divina, who is Filipino, described how her being small elicited protective action from others. “Well, being short, people feel this obligation to like protect you sometimes or to fight your battles. I appreciate the thought behind it a lot—it kind of shows to me who my friends are and who cares for me.” Your difference can give you the opportunity to see whether people will not only accept you, but will defend you. This may give you a unique opportunity to see who your true friends really are and if they are willing to stand up for you.
Reluctance to Give up This People Filter
Summer had a physical defect that resulted in a large scar on her face. With the advance of technology, she had heard of a therapy that could actually remove the scar from her face and yet her scar was too valuable to her as a filter of shallow people for her to give it up. Summer recounts,
Some people have told me about ways, like therapies, where the scar can virtually be gone, and I just thought “nooooo!” that would be weird and freak me out and I am just used to it. Even though in my dreams there is no scar, either way, I’m just used to growing up with it. It’s kind of an indicator of people who like me for who I am…. Just that those that truly love me or like me for who I am, they are the people that count. Their opinions count more because they know me and they don’t see the scar anymore.
Unlike most people who are physically different, Summer actually had a choice to remove or at least to minimize her difference. Yet she found that her scar was an important tool for her in discovering who is really worth being close to.
Conclusion
Even though it can be extremely painful to be overlooked, and in many cases outright rejected by others because of looking different, there is this amazing silver lining of filtering out those individuals who are shallow and not worth your time. Think of your difference as an amazing strainer that helps you sort out the type of friends and romantic partners that will love you for who you are on the inside. It will help you find people who will not only accept your difference, but will defend it on your behalf. Like Summer, perhaps you wouldn’t want to give up this great advantage even if you had the choice.