We often here about the human do’s and don’ts when it comes to dating, but we rarely get a glimpse into the rules animals use when it comes to courtship and mating. My new book “Wild Connection: What animal mating and courtship tell us about human relationships” was just released this week and I thought it would be fun to share a little about what animals can teach us about dating. When I first set out to explore the parallels between animal courtship and human dating I didn’t expect to discover a wealth of sage advice offered up by our wild animal counterparts. Here is the cliff notes version of a few important lessons. You can consider this the "Animal Pocket Guide to Dating."
#1 Go Ahead, be choosy!
Are you one of those people who just can't seem to find the right person? No one out there seems to be perfect for you? You've probably heard from 'helpful' relatives and friends, “You’re just being too picky.” Not to worry, now you have science—in the form of an endless list of wild animals—on your side. Being choosy is perhaps the most important rule of thumb. Granted, sometimes it takes a lot of searching. Just ask barnacle geese. They have several relationships before they find their special goose. But in the end, like the goose, there is someone out there perfect for you.
#2: Be honest.
When it comes to displaying your traits to a potential mate honest advertising is essential. Is your computer savvy friend offering to help photo-shop your photo for that online profile? Have you ever stretched the truth a tiny bit so it seemed like you shared the same exact interests as the hot date sitting across the table? We only have to look at animals to conclude this is not the best approach. Put simply, animals don’t deceive each other about their appearance or personality to snag a mate. I mean have you ever seen a wild elk with fake antlers? A hawk with claw extensions? A shy great tit pretending to be a bold and adventurous explorer? Never! There is only one thing to do: Be you! Have some flare but only flash honest traits.
#3: Keep attraction in perspective.
Love at first sight. Is there any truth to this? Without completely bursting the romance bubble, animals remind us that it is more likely ‘love’ at first smell. But, whether it is at first glance or that first sniffaroo, we are biologically wired to feel an intense and immediate attraction toward some people and not toward others. Yes, it is intoxicating, unforgettable, and even mind-numbing. But, this cascade of lustful chemicals coursing through our brains and bodies serves a very important function. It is signaling that this magnificent person could make an excellent biological match with which to produce babies. For example, not unlike mouse lemurs, we also detect the chemical and genetic signature of potential mates through pheromones. Two people who are the most opposite to each other in their immune-fighting genes (Major histocompatibility or MHC) make the best pair. Aside from smelling each other’s genes, what we see when we look at one another tells us a ton about a person’s genetic and physical health. What does this rush of instant ‘love’ not do? Predict long-term compatibility. So just remember, even though attraction is a necessary ingredient, it is not enough if you’re searching for a relationship that lasts longer than a ground squirrel's hookup (which is about 10 minutes!).
#4: Are they really into you?
Be it male or female, animals give clear signals they are interested in a potential mate. Showing interest is often costly, taking precious time, energy, and frequently, resources. In most wild animals the amount of effort an individual puts into courting a mate is a key sign they dig you. Fortunately for us, we rarely need to show the same degree of determination displayed by praying mantises. Praying mantises take things to the extreme, where sometimes the male provides his own body as food. Unwillingly, of course. Not to worry, the Pocket Guide doesn’t require you to take this lesson literally!
#5: Actions always speak louder than words.
Some animals can talk a good game, but when push comes to shove they can’t back up all that chatter. Take roosters. A male may prance and dance, and he may even call out that he’s come across food.The result? Females come to check out what he claims to have. Sometimes though, he’s exaggerating a bit. Okay, maybe a lot. In that case, when females arrive at the scene and discover a rooster can’t offer what he said he could (food), the hens move on. The bottom line? Talk is cheap, in roosters and in humans.
So let’s recap. Be choosy, be honest, don’t let those pheromones sweep you off your feet, pay attention to how interested in you they really are, and don’t forget to focus on what people do and not what they say. At the end of the day, even if you follow all of these wild animal "rules," your love life can still run amok. Why? There are lots of other hurdles to overcome for a relationship to make it in the long run. Don’t worry; animals have something to say about this too. In the meantime, arm yourself with this little "Animal Pocket Guide to Dating" and like the homing pigeon you’ll be heading off in the right direction.