Most of us like to travel, but I don’t know anyone who enjoys being taken on a guilt trip.
We all know that a guilt trip is designed to induce the unpleasant feeling of guilt in another person in order to manipulate that person into doing what the guilt tripper wants.
Here’s the thing: nobody can take you on a guilt trip, if you aren’t willing to pack your bags and take the ride.
The reason you keep being played is because, without knowing it, you have tipped your emotional hat and let the guilt tripper know that you are an easy mark.
Think about a dog that begs for table food. He flashes those hangdog eyes and cons you into believing he’s dying of starvation, and that the scrap he has his eye on is the only cure.
Next comes your fatal move. You give in to his manipulation and throw him the scrap.
Now, you’ve trained that dog to manipulate you till the cows (or should I say the Chuck Wagon) come home. This is operant conditioning in action.
The same conditioning happens with our two-legged relationships. If you have what I call a “guilt allergy,” meaning you can’t stomach the feeling of guilt, you are a prime target for a guilt tripper. In fact, the guilt tripper, like a dog, can sniff out your weakness.
But don’t worry. There is a simple solution: to not be taken on a guilt trip, you have to build up your emotional muscle. You do this by training yourself to bear the uncomfortable feeling of guilt. At first, this exercise will be very hard to perform. But with practice, you will see that your emotional muscle gets stronger. Then, you will be able to bear the emotional weight and tolerate the guilty feelings that the tripper is trying to induce in you.
What is so powerful about this simple solution is the fact that your refusal “to bite” creates a ripple effect that defangs the guilt tripper. In this way, you are re-training the guilt tripper and conditioning him or her to cut it out.
By not rewarding the guilt tripper with what he/she wants (by not throwing the scrap) the guilt tripper, like the dog, will eventually stop the routine. Remember, no behavior continues without being fed. When the feeding stops, the behavior also stops.
So, beware. The guilt tripper, like a dog, will periodically test you. This means that you are going to need to keep your guard up and consistently refuse to feed the beast. After about six weeks, your new muscle will be fully developed and the guilt tripper’s game will be broken.
In my new Hay House book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love’s 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship, I present an exhaustive list of all the dysfunctional behavioral tactics that people use. I divide these tactics into two categories: Open and Secret Warfare--Guilt Tripping being one of the many forms of Secret Warfare.
Because these tactics create relationship friction and fighting, in order to have a healthy, thriving relationship it’s vital to identify all the Fight Traps that are afoot and eliminate each of them. Sending Guilt Trips and other Fights Traps packing is the first leg on your journey toward a lifetime of lasting love.