Everyone is judgmental. We are human and sometimes take inventory of others sometimes. We can be silently critical or openly blatant about our feelings and thoughts.
But, let's start with the definition of judgment/judgmental.
According to a number of dictionaries, a concise definition of judgment is "an authoritative opinion, a divine sentence or decision." Judgmental is defined as "characteristics by a tendency to judge harshly. Denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made." And so it was with a client of mine whom was struggling with one of her family members.
My client had been challenged for years with her daughter’s addiction issues as well as cutting, anger displacement and eating disorders. A sad gallery of troubling concerns that my client had dealt with for many years; sometimes happily and successfully, other times riddled with fear, anger and tears.
Many of her family members (who have never dealt with addition issues and one family member has no children of his own) continued to spin and therefore advise her of an unrealistic platform of answers and reform. For years, some of these family members were somehow privy to a stilted version regarding my client’s involvement with the painful and dangerous situation of her daughter's substance abuse issues. Consequently they formed their opinion or judgments with hearsay (from other family members/friends or her daughter herself) and didn't bother checking out all the facts.
My client had to sadly admit that her family never thought her a very good or caring mother, and quietly blamed her for her daughter’s unhappy life. No matter how she tried to explain what she was doing to help her daughter with rehabilitation treatments, counseling or just an outing of lunch or shopping that would blow up from out of nowhere, they didn’t want to listen.
Judgmental behavior is on the same wrung as rescuing or enabling. The rescuer or enabler is active in their participation; they want to physically change or get in there and take over that person's life because they don't approve of the path they are on. The person that stands in judgment of another can insulate themselves from physical involvement and only has to huff and puff from their soap box about how "wrong, uncaring or selfish" their prey is. Often they have no more facts about the situation than the man in the moon, but still they think they know best and if actions aren't taken to satisfy their interpretation, then under the bus one are thrown.
In addition, these judgments can last for years and no matter what the so-called culprit can do to rectify a situation, the dye has been cast and moving on or taking into consideration new disclosures are almost impossible for the one holding the judgment sword.
So why are people so judgmental of others? We all are in one way or another. I can find myself quietly judging why someone isn't more focused on achieving goals or doesn't watch what they eat. So easy to cast dispersions, but maybe each of these individuals are doing the best they can to accomplish their goals or maybe they just don't care and frankly, what business is it of mine or anyone's.
Finding judgment in others can make someone feel superior, usually forming a one-sided opinion and lacking an empathetic heart is myopic in one's thinking.
We have heard the saying "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes." So, until one has stepped in another's shoes, seen their world through their eyes, please don't judge. It is mean and cruel and surely serves no purpose. Eventually, my client has learned not to care what her family members think of her, as she knows deep down and through her own many hours of counseling both professionally and in her own, quiet way that she had done the best she could at the time with the tools she had.
Every parent loves their child beyond anything else, and when they hurt, so do we. Be kind and understanding when a loved one in your family is suffering with the alcoholic/addict in their life. Don’t be judgmental, but approachable with care and compassion. Everyone will feel better in the long run even if the road you think they should take is not the one they ultimately decide to travel.
On another note, I am considering writing another book and I would appreciate some stories of success from my readers. If you have a loved one that has successfully been clean and sober for over 5 years, please attach it to an e-mail at carolebennett@cox.net. If I decide to use it, I will contact you. Thanks!
If I can be of service, please visit my website www.familyrecoverysolutions.com or call (805) 695-0049. In addition, I invite you to explore my book Reclaim Your Life – You and the Alcoholic/Addict at www.reclaimyourlifebook.com, PayPal or on Amazon. In addition, my book is available as an audio on my website only.