Daydreaming is an activity for which our brains have a natural affinity and an innate hunger. Whether you are sitting in a mind-numbingly dull meeting or spending hours at the computer, letting your mind and your thoughts take flight for a mental "coffee break" is like heaving a big mental sigh. And imagining possibilities of things and relationships that don’t necessarily exist yet is easier when you are not trying to force yourself to think of the perfect solution.
For instance, we all know that the easiest way to find that word that’s on the tip of your tongue is to let your mind wander away from the problem. Then, as if by magic, the word leaps right into our consciousness. When we stop trying to wrangle a relationship into a certain way of being, and let our minds imagine a variety of ways it might develop, we can make room for unexpected new opportunities.
Daydreaming takes us away from obsessing over solutions to relationships that aren’t working. When we try to force someone to be a certain way, whether it’s a partner, a child, or a friend, we seldom enhance the relationship! When we step back and let our minds play around with potential and ideal outcomes or even satisfyingly rich mental arguments or dialogue, we are expanding our repertoire of new ways of being in relationship with someone without having to force anyone to be a certain way. We can play out pitfalls and fallouts before moving forward with change.
In one study, researchers (Immordino-Yang, Christodoulou, & Sing, 2012) noted that letting our brains go “offline” for inner reflection and daydreaming is actually doing what is needed to keep our brains healthy. In fact, these researchers suggested that in today's technologically and actively “tuned-in” life everyone leads, we may be shortchanging ourselves by ignoring brain’s the natural need for reflection and daydreaming. These activities “wipe away” the demands of the world and let our brains go on brief and much needed “sabbaticals."
With so much to think about and things to keep up with – from logging and checking Facebook updates, reading and responding to texts that take the place of conversations, following constantly breaking news headlines, and taking care of the chores on the after-work to-do list, etc. -- we may forget to let our minds go out to play. We end up staring at screens and looking at photos of “happy couples” or “blissful new mothers” or "mega-celebrity weddings" or any of a million different snapshot moments of relationships we tend to believe are happier than our own. And when we go on news and information overload, our creative solutions to relationship problems may go on shutdown.
Don’t allow the scanning and skimming of everyone else's news and updates delivered to your hands and screen by omnipresent technology coerce you into comparing your relationship to everyone else’s -- creatively construct your own best relationship by imagining how you would like it to be! Extravagant daydreams are fine, though you need to remember to temper them with reality, which is often a far cry from fantasy. But until we imagine how our relationship might be improved, the same old choices and actions won’t ever get us any closer to a new way of being.
Right now, take your fingers off the keyboard and the mouse, take a slow deep inhale, close your eyes or look out the window off into the distance. Turn off your “thinking brain” and let your “playful brain” show up! Just see what unexpected and creative relationship adjustments your brain is ready to explore!
Immordino-Yang, M. H., Christodoulou, J. A., & Sing, V. (2012). Rest is not idleness: Implications of the brain’s default mode for human development and education. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 7, 352-364.