QUESTION
Irene,
I had a boyfriend for two months that I became madly in love with, and thought he felt the same for me. His friends constantly said they had never seen him like this. Then, late into his birthday party, we got into a spat and he dumped me. It was gruesome and sudden, especially for a relationship I had deemed meaningful and important. Most importantly to me, I thought of him as someone not only important romantically, but someone that would turn into my best friend.
For several months he kept forcing me to see him; we'd reconnect, I would foolishly think he had changed his feelings, then he'd disappear again. I recently felt as though it had dragged on too long and was becoming psychologically traumatic for me, and definitively ended the relationship. I sent him a very kind note saying I could not be his friend when I believed we could never be that, and defriended him on Facebook (him...and his friends).
I remain filled with remorse and self-doubt, wondering if I acted too quickly or without cause—it is so difficult in life to meet friends or people you truly care about. But I also believe in the tough but important value of self-preservation. I cannot get past this, though. It has been weeks since my note (no response), and I've become virtually despondent.
Am I acting in an emotionally healthily way? Did I do the right thing for my long-term emotional well-being? Or was it the immature and self-detrimental act of a rejected woman? I'd like to think about this clearly and logically. I feel lost in self-doubt, and I can't let it go.
Best, Alyssa
ANSWER
Dear Alyssa,
It's hard to know whether someone is best friend material after just a couple of months—especially when you're feeling madly in love. A strong initial attraction doesn't necessarily mean someone will be a keeper.
It's not unusual for some individuals to either want a best friend or romantic partner so desperately that they typecast someone inappropriate into the role. I'm not sure whether or not this might have been the case for you.
Whether this guy was a friend or a lover, you stood your ground and decided that you didn't want to subject yourself to someone who runs hot and cold. The first disappointment occurred only two months into your relationship and then each time you reconnected, you gave him (and yourself) multiple opportunities to try again.
I can understand your disappointment but don't look back. You need to let go of this fantasy. You absolutely did the right thing and deserve more consistent and reliable friends than this one.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene