I'll bet you'll never forget the early days when you first got together.
You couldn’t get enough of each other. And your sex life was enough to put rabbits in heat to shame!
But then real life kicked in.
And before you knew what hit you, the kids, the financial worries and the chores turned your sex life into another chore.
Now, she’s rarely in the mood. He's resentful…And fights about sex occur too often.
If this sounds like your story, you’re not alone.
Millions of couples argue about the infrequency and poor quality of their sex lives.
Beyond the obvious stressors that I mentioned, there is a deeper reason why so many couples are so dissatisfied with their sex lives.
In this article, I discuss the most common scenario: a guy who’s hot to trot and a female partner with a terminal headache.
The technical term for a low sex drive is inhibited sexual desire, and this condition affects countless women. What is it about marriage (and committed relationships) that leaves many women bereft of sexual appetite?
Lack of security.
The need for security is deeply embedded in a woman’s biological programming, and this explains why women have historically chosen men who can provide financially for them and their offspring. In this era of female financial independence, many women no longer need men to financially support them. However, statistical data show us that the instinct to be protected still governs a woman’s choice of mate. That is, financially independent women still choose men who are even wealthier than they are. If money talks, then biology screams.
The need for security is not just satisfied by choosing a financially successful mate; a woman also needs to feel secure within her relationship or marriage. When a woman feels worried that the union won’t survive (as occurs in a climate of chronic conflict), her body automatically turns off from sex. The last thing she wants is a baby without a father to support it. And while she can have sex and avoid pregnancy, thanks to birth control, her biological programming doesn’t realize this. This explains why women who are in the throes of relationship distress experience a sexual shutoff long before they can think about inserting their diaphragms.
Men as Emotional Providers
In order to feel secure in her relationship, a woman needs more than a climate that isn’t riddled with arguments. She also needs the guarantee that her partner will stay with her forever. This guarantee was, until recently, satisfied through the traditional institution of marriage, which precluded divorce. But today, divorce has become so common that it creates a basic insecurity in women. As a consequence, in order to feel safe, women now require additional assurance that their relationship will last, “till death do us part.”
Since that assurance is no longer derived from the external control of society (marriage is no longer indissoluble), it has to be granted by the man. And the only way that a man can persuade his partner of his total commitment is through frequent reminders of his devotion. What was taken for granted in the past must be explicitly restated, again and again. In other words, the form and scope of pro- viding that is expected from men has drastically expanded. This new expectation is a mutation of women’s built-in biological need to be protected and provided for.
Reassuring his partner of his eternal devotion and love is only the first way that a man provides emotional security.
The next step consists of giving his partner evidence that his words of love are not empty sounds intended to make her sexually aroused. These melodies and their intended effects will have a short life if a man does not consistently demonstrate to his partner how important she is to him. When he listens to her feelings—positive or negative—and shows that he cares for her needs, a woman feels that he loves her and wants to stay with her forever.
Even more emotional providing is required. If a man wants to create a total sense of security in his partner, he must also learn to communicate his own negative feelings to her. When a man is silent, a woman worries that he is accumulating a mountain of resentments, and that he may up and leave her one day. By being apprised regularly of his emotional state, she can help him purge these feelings through her understanding, and, if needed, she can change the aspects of her behavior that cause his negative feelings. His consistent feedback provides her with a sense of control over the emotional climate of the relationship, which, in turn, provides a deep sense of security.
When a woman’s intimacy needs are not being answered by her partner—when she does not feel responded to, when there is no mutual communication, when there is a climate of indifference, and of course, when there is too much conflict and resentment—her biological warning light goes on and her sex drive clicks off. Her biology tells her: This man does not feel safe any longer. I don’t know whether this relationship will last. If we will be separating, the last thing I want is a child. This point can’t be stressed enough: a woman’s sex drive fizzles when she feels emotionally insecure or angry with her mate.
Unfortunately, the emotional connection that a woman needs in order to feel turned on just happens to require a form of relating that men—through no fault of their own— are not trained to provide. So, you begin to see why mil- lions of married women lack sexual desire and why conflicts arise in this arena. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that women shouldn’t wish for greater emotional connection. All I’m saying is that society hasn’t trained men to fulfill this new cultural expectation. But don’t worry—your partner will be an expert Emotional Provider before I’m finished with him.
In my new Hay House book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love’s 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship, I introduce the concept of Relationship Essential Nutrients. When a man understands what these nutrients are, and provides the right emotional feeding to his partner on a daily basis, her feeling of safety and security rises. This is the food she needs to feel turned on.
In case a guy isn't a reader, I include full instructions for women on how to guide their guys to provide for them on an emotional level. The trick is for a woman to know about his Relationship Essential Nutrients--and, no, these nutrients aren’t the same for men and women! When a woman feeds her guy the right nutrients, he will naturally want to emotionally provide what she needs. Then, get ready for action! Because, as I said, when a woman feels properly “fed,” she's suddenly more interested in bed.
So, don’t despair. Even if your sex life is on the fritz, by feeding each other the right Relationship Essential Nutrients, you can turn back the hands of time. My new book Kiss Your Fights Good-Bye will show you how to rekindle the bliss of your first kiss.