"My 22 month old younger daughter very aggressively scratches my older daughter, who is 3 and a half."
"The 2 year old is beating up on the 8 year old at our house!"
"My toddler climbs on my five year old's back like a monkey and won't get off."
In my last post, I described how to intervene when a preschooler is aggressive toward a younger sibling. But sometimes it's the younger child, often a toddler, who initiates the brawling. Toddlers don't have a fully developed frontal cortex, so their emotions routinely overcome their knowledge that "hitting hurts." And often they can't express themselves very well verbally, so they're easily frustrated.
But your older child deserves to feel safe in her own house, so you can't just sit by and "let them work it out." Obviously, you immediately get between your children to stop the hitting. You say "Ouch! No hitting! Hitting hurts!" But what if the aggression continues?
As always, if you want to change your child's behavior, consider the feelings and needs driving it. Understanding the source of your toddler's aggression will help you intervene effectively to prevent the behavior. For instance:
1. The toddler wants to connect with the older sibling. Clumsy, yes, but he's a toddler. He wants his big sister's attention. Why not crash into her, or into that project she's so painstakingly concentrating on? She'll certainly notice!
Solution: Teach the toddler how to initiate a more positive interaction. Say "Ouch! No hurting your sister! Are you trying to get your sister's attention? Use your words! Say 'Sara, here I am! Play with me!'"
Of course, it isn't the older child's responsibility to play with the younger child. Sometimes, she won't want to. So you'll have to give her a safe place to work on her projects without toddler "help." Coach her on how to deflect the toddler gracefully by saying "Yes, I see you! Do you want to play with this spaceship? It goes Vroom!" But don't leave her to fend off the toddler by herself. Be available when she needs you to run interference, and offer your toddler some connection with you instead.
2. The toddler wants what the older sibling has.
Solution: Teach basic social skills. Say to the toddler"Ouch! No hitting your brother! I see you want the giraffe he's playing with. Can you ask if he'll give you a turn? Say 'Turn, please!'" Siblings won't always want to give a turn right away, and you will probably have to "help" the toddler wait quite often. But explain to your other children that if they can give the toddler a turn when she asks, she's more likely to use her words instead of her fists, so when they don't need the giraffe at that moment, it's helpful to let the toddler use it for a bit.
3. The toddler is retaliating for the older sibling's teasing or more subtle aggression, such as grabbing toys or making mean faces.
Solution: Put an arm around each child and say "I see two upset boys here...you are having a hard time, aren't you? (Modeling taking responsibility) I'm so sorry I wasn't here to help you both...Can you tell me about it?...I see. (To the older child) Your brother (the toddler) scratched you. Ouch...That hurts...I'm so sorry...(To the toddler) Scratching hurts! Ouch! No scratching...You must have been very mad. Were you mad at your brother? Use your words...Say 'I'm MAD!' Can you say that right now? Yes, you're mad! Tell us in words, or stomp your foot, but no scratching! (To older child) I wonder why he's so mad at you? Can you think of anything that might have made him so mad?...Is there anything you could do differently next time?"
4. The toddler is generally unhappy and is taking it out on her sibling.
Solution: Toddlers have strong feelings, but they generally have sunny personalities. If your toddler often seems unhappy and angry, she needs your help. Maybe there's something physically wrong that you can pinpoint with a little detective work. Or maybe your toddler is super-sensitive and has some tears and fears stored up that need to come out. Make sure you're using preventive maintenance (empathy, connection, laughter and emotion coaching -- here's a whole article on how
) to help your toddler with her big feelings, so she doesn't feel grumpy towards everyone in her path.
5. The toddler is jealous of the parent's interactions with the older sibling.
Solution: Every child needs one on one time with each parent, without siblings around—ideally, daily. If you suspect that your toddler is jealous of your relationship with an older sibling, focus on connecting more with the toddler. Find time every day for just the two of you to be close. Initiate lots of playful physical roughhousing that gets your toddler laughing, and gets the oxytocin (the bonding hormone) flowing. Before you engage with your older child, for instance to help with homework, focus on the toddler for five minutes, filling his love tank and getting him busy with a toy or activity.
6. The toddler just wants to be heard. Sometimes toddlers lash out physically because they don't know how else to get their point across. Be sure to teach your toddler words to stick up for himself. Practice words like "Stop!" and "Move please!" with your toddler, making it a fun game, to ensure that he doesn't have to hit to be heard.
And, of course, it helps to teach your older child how to relate constructively to a persistent toddler. Your modeling will lay the foundation. Then, act out scenarios in a fun way to help your older child remember what to do in a tense situation. Be sure to include practice in saying"No! Don't hurt my body!" and in moving away from the fight. And if you have a toddler who thinks he's a monkey, make sure your older child knows how to dump him on the couch in a way that gets everyone laughing!