I just returned from giving a lecture in Houma, Louisiana. When booked for this, I encouraged the organization that booked me to not only have an afternoon for clinicians to earn some continuing education units, but to extend my expertise to an evening family outreach lecture.
She agreed and so the word was put out by radio, newspaper, flyers and just plain word of mouth. Houma, Louisiana is a small, lovely town and so we were hopeful that maybe 25 to 30 family and or friends of the alcoholic/addict would show. To our wonderful surprise close to 100 folks came to get some firsthand information about their own PERSONAL RECOVERY and not that of the alcoholic/addict in their life.
I write about this because the family’s daily struggle with their loved ones addiction is so global, so uniform, so common that my desire is to constantly let my readers know that they are not alone.
So, what does the daily struggle look like for the family member or friend? Here are a few concepts that you might relate to:
• If my loved one is practicing a clean and sober lifestyle currently, will they be clean and sober today?
• If my loved one is practicing an addiction (alcohol or drugs), will they finally seek help toward sobriety?
• Will my husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend treat me with respect and kindness or will I once again be a punching bag or doormat?
• Will I receive a phone call asking for money, telling me they are in jail, in the hospital or overdosed or dead?
• Will my loved one keep his or her word whether in little promises or big ones?
I can probably list dozens more, but you get the idea. By now we realize that no matter what we say or do, the alcoholic/addict will only seek recovery if he or she wants to. It is fruitless if it comes on the heels of threats. Sometimes a run in with the law might change their thinking, but there is no guarantee that the recovery is true and genuine once the penalty has been taken care of.
So now let’s look at what we can do to help promote our own healthy recovery from the inside out.
• The most difficult action is ACCEPTANCE. I pray nightly to accept all that is in my life. When things are going well, it’s easy to accept what’s happening, but when we hit a bumpy patch, it’s hard to accept it and ride it out. Oh, we might accept it, but we try to change or fix it or control it to our needs, instead of just accepting it. That doesn’t mean we sit back and do nothing, but sometimes we have to as I like to say…”do the footwork and then let the game come to me”.
If we are dealing with a child’s addictive behavior, whether in recovery or not, it is much harder to accept certain actions that might have befallen him or her especially if you are fearful of the outcome and feel if I can step in and change the situation, then all will be ok.
Please, please…accept where they are and accept where you are; if you can start to implement this, I promise that your days and nights will be less stressful.
• Attitude is vitally important in all aspects of our lives, but especially when it comes to the alcoholic/addict in our life. An honest, promising attitude can’t help but promote positive energy not only for you, but your loved one and other family members. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that you have a smile plastered on your face and are blind to the happenings around you. But, an “ok, I’m going to have a more positive than negative attitude today”, will be far more successful in your mental health than a “woe is me, I can barely get out of bed and face the world”.
• Gratitude. Being grateful is a difficult state to be in when someone close to you is suffering, even if they don’t think so. I don’t believe in writing a gratitude list as it usually is comprised of tangible things. Be grateful just for the day, to have experienced the day regardless of what it brought forth.
• Faith. Regardless of whether you are religious or just spiritually inclined, I have found it exceedingly comforting to turn my will and care over to my higher power. It is very difficult for me as I like to control as many things in my life as possible, but I’m getting better. I pray that I can turn fear into faith and in so doing; I relinquish the control and anxiety that comes with having sketchy faith.
None of these concepts are easy and take quite a bit of practice and mental strength to have them become at least somewhat routine. Interestingly enough, every night I pray for all the above; for if I can connect the threads between acceptance, attitude, gratitude and faith, then I know that I am on my way to healthy recovery for myself; and I’m as important as my suffering loved one.
If I can be of service, please visit my website www.familyrecoverysolutions.com and I invite you to explore my book Reclaim Your Life – You and the Alcoholic/Addict. It can be purchased through PayPal or at Amazon. In addition, my book is available as an audio through PayPal only.