Quantcast
Channel: Psychology Today
Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 51702

Set Limits on How Long You Can Listen!

$
0
0

We all have our limits on how much we can listen, just as we have limits on how much we can give or do. When your capacity to listen has been exceeded, you need to find a way to end the conversation, or creatively steer it in a different direction.

There is nothing compassionate about letting a person go on after you’ve shut down. Nor is it compassionate only to listen and never share our own problems or pain.

Obviously, we should end a conversation when the other person is being rude, or operating at our expense. Less obvious, but equally important, is learning how to stop a conversation when the other person isn't being rude at all.  He or she may simply over-talks things. Or for any number of reasons, we  find ourselves flooded, distacted and unable to pay attention.

Jim, a therapy client of mine, reported that his wife Sarah was relentlessly focused on the poor care her dad was receiving at the nursing home. She would bring it up almost every evening, typically over dinner. Jim started to dread the conversation and eventually tuned out, because he felt that limiting the conversation would be insensitive and that Sarah would bring it up anyway, despite his protests.

I worked with Jim on figuring out how to approach Sarah about the situation, and interrupt the pattern. Over time he learned to gently interrupt Sarah when she began to talk about her father and say things like the following:

"Sarah, I know how upset you are about the poor treatment your dad is getting. But sometimes I feel as if I’m losing my precious time with you, because it’s taking up so much of our evenings. I’m having a hard time at work right now and I want to talk to you about that"

 "Sarah, I’m committed totally to being there for you around this problem, but I don’t want us to have this conversation during our cooking and dinner time and I can’t really give it my best attention when I want to relax. Let’s have coffee this weekend and talk about your dad."

 "And (In a light, warm and teasing way) Sarah , if you mention that nursing home one more time during dinner tonight, I’m going to take my dinner to the garage and eat it there! Remember our not-during-dinner rule, unless there’s a crisis. You seem really upset, so let’s talk in the living room when we’ve finished eating."

Crucially, Jim didn’t declare the topic off-limits or minimize its importance. Rather, he asserted his need to have some space from the conversation, and to shift when and where it would take place. And he took responsibility to bring the conversation up again, if Sarah didn't.

As I explain in Marriage Rules, nothing is more important than listening, if you want to make your relationship work. Improving how we listen is fundamental to knowing our partner and being known, resolving conflict, and improving the chances that our partner will listen more openly to what we have to say.

Whole hearted listening is the greatest gift we can give to another person. It's equally important to let that person know when we're not in a position to listen fully, and to recognize when we need to say,  "Not now" or "Not in this way."

 


Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 51702

Trending Articles