"Valentine's Day is Tues and I love Eric, but something's missing," lamented Laura.
"What do you think that something is?" I asked.
Lara explained, "I'm just not turned on to him. He's not at all into my emotional needs. I like to talk and process my feelings things and he just wants to have sex. I need that emotional connection to feel sexually alive. "
Lara and Eric are at a crossroads in their relationship. They love and care about each other, but erotic desire has been derailed. Let us peak into the brains of couples to see if we can find the secret to arousal of erotic desire.
We all know that there are inherent brain differences between the men and women. Society and childhoods also influence these differences. Women traditionally are hard wired to talk and process their emotions, whereas men are hard wired to act on them.. But these differences need not cause disputes; instead you both can grow and enrich each other through these differences.
Guys: if your partner is upset about something, and shares her feelings with you, you are probably prompted to go into action and give her ways to fix the problem. As well intended as you may be, that is not what she wants. What women want is that their partners get on the same page as them. So if you want to win her heart, soul, and body listen to her, empathize with her by walking in her shoes and try to understand where she is coming from. With this in mind, express your own feelings about the situation. Mirror neurons will fire up and as you become more emotionally attuned, she will feel more satisfied with less of a need to continuously talk and express her emotions.
Gals: This new interaction is bound to be one of emotional intimacy and it is the beginning of foreplay. When you feel the closeness, turn the tables on your partner so that instead of him initiating sex, take the bull by the horns and go for it.
Here then are some specifics to arouse sexual desire.
Fantasy
Action begins in the mind. Research shows that imagination can change the brain and trigger the release of love-inducing chemicals. Make a mental picture of the times you were madly in love and red hot sex was the order of the day. How did you seduce your partner or did he or she seduce you? How did you both feel? Was it mutual, spontaneous, and reciprocal? Mirror neurons were reflecting the magic of lust to you and your partner.
Take the Fantasy Further
Ask your partner to join you in fantasizing about a delightful romp in the afternoon in broad daylight or a romantic candlelit dinner at home with lovemaking between courses. Together, you will make a mental picture of the verbal and sensual foreplay that aroused both of you in the past. For a thrilling experience ask your partner to change things up in his or her mind. So if you always initiated foreplay, let your partner imagine that he or she is undressing you and beginning the action.
Set the Stage
Before you act on your sexual arousal, create a safe distance that can be even more titillating. Send a steamy texts, email or phone call to your partner. Forget modesty; be explicit and even raunchy. Tell your partner exactly what you'd like him or her to do to you and what you'd like to do to him or her. Your partner's mirror neurons will reflect your lack of inhibitions and he or she may even top you with her free abandon. At this point, you both feel a compelling sexual longing for each other. Stay with the experience and let it dig deep into your brain.
Behind the Scenes
Novelty is vital to successful love making, so there is nothing quite as exciting as new experience. In my book, I provide a brief overview of Tantric Sex. You can practice these ancient Hindu rituals with or partner or any other types of exotic love making that you would like.
The Main Act
Surrender to the ecstatic feeling that surface from deep inside of you and share these feelings with your partner. Only then can you both surrender to each other. The magic arises when you lose yourself in your partner only to find you self as you reach orgasm. Whether simultaneous with your partner or not, orgasm is the climax and you have rekindled the flame of desire in your partner with brain chemicals bathing the two of you. Is this the end of love? I'd emphatically say no. It is just the beginning as there are no ends to love, only connections, disconnections, and reconnections into the beyond.
For more secrets to erotic desire read my book, The New Science of Love: How Understanding the Brain's Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship (Sourcebooks, Casablanca, 2011).
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