Anthony Weiner's mayoral campaign has taken a curious turn and captured the attention of the world with his persistent pursuit of sexting strange women. After the initial shock wave had passed, the internet world and cable television began to question the very basis of the "betrayal" of Congressman Weiner's lovely wife Huma Abedin. Dr. Jamie Turndorf declared in an interview on HLN that "just because you haven't actually touched someone doesn't mean it isn't real....virtual flings and flirtations can easily become the prelude to an actual [in person] relationship."
Kiri Blakeley wrote recently about these so called "emotional affairs." They encompass both someone you know and see in person at work or play as well as virtual friends that exist in the internet such as a Facebook friend or an e-mail, instant message acquaintance or a sexting pal. In all these various instances there is no in-person sexual relationship, yet they are conducted behind their partner's back because at some level the virtual cheater knows they are betraying their partner.
Dr. Turndorf said in the HLN interview that "cheating, infidelity and even virtual infidelity are generally symptoms of an ailing relationship." The symptoms can be explained away or ignored for years as a partner drifts into a single emotional affair or juggle a series of emotional affairs while keeping the existing relationship running. The spouse may suspect something is amiss but decide that things are good so why rock the boat? Some people would rather not check their spouse's smart phone or hire the Cheaters Detective Agency and risk discovering that their marriage was a sham from the start. One sage advice columnist advised married men to get rid of the evidence of their deceptive behavior so your wife won't have to deal with it. Not knowing what your husband is truly like and how he really feels moment to moment is preferable to some women unprepared for the truth lurking behind their husband's brown eyes...until the relationship reaches a crisis point like public scandal.
Our hope is that if a partner discovers their spouse has been engaged in an emotional affair and the spouse is truly sorry and wishes to change, that the offended party will embrace their spouse's recovery from the lifestyle of deception and support their growth. Sadly, in the case of Anthony Weiner, it appears that he was not truly sincere in wishing to change. He continued to live the dual life while faking his recovery and using it as a political merit badge of honor to get a gullible and forgiving electorate to give him their votes for the powerful position as mayor of New York City. With the stunning revelations this last week that the Congressman resumed his sexting after his public resignation from Congress two years ago, we all know he deceived his supportive wife Huma and now is a worldwide disgrace.
That Anthony Weiner imagined he could do a two year penance and jump back into public life may have derailed any real attempt at changing from his life as a married "mirage man." Beginning a new life of living in integrity on a daily basis can be a very tough time for both partners as they are suddenly challenged to a new level of honesty in their marriage. The character defects, enabling and addictive behavior of one partner may suddenly become noticeable after years of submersion to the more glaring inadequacies of the other partner who was having the emotional affair. Trying to make such radical changes while running as a "happy couple" for public office was just asking too much. It's just too tempting to slip back into the old unhealthy lifestyle that seemed to work until things got a little too crazy. But that's putting a band-aid on relational carcinoma.
Support groups, not mayoral press conferences, are a safe place for people like Anthony Weiner to try brand new, healthy ways of relating to others. The strict rules and healthy boundaries practiced in support groups will allow a deceptive person to risk honesty for the first time in their life without being slammed. Then people like Anthony Weiner can slowly try to incorporate the new honesty in their marriages and friendships in the harsh real world. But as we have seen, learning to take the risk of being honest takes a long time to master for those whose dishonest manner is a natural reflex from childhood. The Congressman should give himself years, not a couple of months, to work his way through the recovery process to find his true self and learn a whole new way of living.
We urge Anthony Weiner and Huma Abedin to not give up on their marriage. The remodelling process can be an exciting opportunity for the couple if they have the love and courage to start from scratch. One must establish a new foundation consisting of honesty to build a healthy relationship between a man and a woman. We suggest that each partner seek both individual therapy as well as marital counselling. The couple must keep the faith that the reward of an emotionally satisfying romance for both partners that share a connection is worth the painful price of acknowledgement of broken trust and the long and arduous process of rebuilding. Obviously in the case of Anthony Weiner and Huma Abedin there is a lot more work to be done, and we advise it be done out of the glare of a high profile mayoral campaign.