More and more middle-class grandparents are putting up money to help take care of their grandkids. And that's not surprising, because so many seniors are so much better-off than their adult kids. That's often true,but becoming more so in recent decades. In 1984, the gap in wealth between seniors and adults under age 35 favored seniors 10 to 1. That ratio had jumped to 47 to 1 by 2009, according to a Pew Research Center study of U.S. Census figures for households headed by people in those age groups. That's almost a five-fold increase in 25 years.
It's also true that households are getting more diverse. More kids live with step-parents or grandparents or step grandparents.
The conservative U.S. Supreme Court has taken a strong stand on defending a parent's right to make decisions about child-rearing. In the past, most states had laws on the books making it easy for a judge to order visits with third parties--typically grandparents--even over a parent's objections. Since 2000, in a key decision, that's become harder. When things go wrong and grandparents can’t get access to the grandkids, they may have to swallow principle and cough up more cash, or otherwise get creative and cooperative.
You might pay rent on your son's ex-wife's apartment to keep her living nearby with your grandkids. You may pay for her to come along on a family vacation.
But grandparents can’t expect judicial sympathy when they give a child whisky or marijuana, take a teenager to a strip club, or routinely insult or threaten either grandkids or parents.
At the moment, the pendulum seems to be swinging in favor of grandparents, lawyers say, in part because legislators and judges are getting older and more likely to have grandkids. It's still important to remember that our society wants to hold parents both responsible and that should include authority. Grandparents are generally wealthier and wiser and it's not hard to find a family where a grandparent would do a better job than the actual parent.
Some tips to help grandparents keep the peace:
1. Pick up driving chores. Take the grandkids to school or drive them home or ferry them to extracurriculars.
2. Be ready to babysit when a parent is ill or has to go out of town, even if it’s inconvenient for you or you have to fly in.
3. Don’t challenge decisions about medical matters, education, extracurricular activities or religion. Judges typically assign different areas of control to each of two divorced parents and won’t override those decisions unless they’re clearly harmful.
4. Suggest family therapy, attend, cooperate fully, and pay the bill.
5. Write heartfelt letters.
6. Say directly that you understand that the parents are adults and the ultimate decision makers about their children.
7. Avoid enlisting other relatives in your cause as a parent may feel ganged up on.
8. Invite mothers along on a vacation so she need not be separated from small kids. You can foot the bill at a hotel down the road from your summer place.
9. Built relationships with step-parents if possible. Respect their attachment to a child in their home.