During the course of my training and practice as a clinical psychologist (some 30 years, now), I have encountered some amazingly smart, gifted, and talented therapists. I have also come across a fair share of…well…suffice it to say that this post explains why I have often said “Many therapists have more business laying on the couch than sitting next to it.”
Here is my Top Five List of the most astounding statements I have ever heard other mental health practitioners make.
Except for mine, all names have been changed to protect the offenders. In the brief transcripts below, I am CNL. What I said is in quotes. What I thought, but didn't say at the time, is in parentheses. The other clinician’s jaw dropping, statements are in bold.
Number 1.
CNL: “So, Len, what made you decided to come out of retirement and return to practicing psychiatry?”
Dr. Len: “I really miss being the most important part of my patients’ lives.”
CNL: “Oh, I see.” (What! You seriously believe that you are the most important part of your patients’ lives? More important than their spouses, children, parents, and friends? Oh my god, what an unbelievable narcissist! I’ll never refer anyone to you!)
Number 2.
Dr. G.: “What is your theoretical orientation, Clifford?”
CNL: “Well, I’m basically eclectic. I’ll use whatever works, but my theoretical underpinnings are Multimodal, cognitive-behavior therapy.
Dr. G.: “Yeah, I used to do CBT, too, but it was too much work. Doing analysis is far easier.”
CNL: “Yes, CBT sure takes some effort on the part of the therapist.” (You lazy bum! I can’t believe you abandoned CBT in favor of doing analytic therapy because it’s too much work! I don’t think I’ll be sending much work your way.)
Number 3.
During my internship, one of my clinical supervisors suggested the following to me when I was treating a young woman with OCD:
Dr. W.: “Ask your patient what she sees in her bowel movement.”
CNL: “I beg your pardon?”
Dr. W.: “You know, like a Rorschach Test.”
CNL: “Oh, I see. Thank you, Dr. W. I’ll be sure to ask my client about her bowel habits.” (What the hell!? Does he actually believe that asking someone about what shapes she sees in her poop will help with her OCD therapy?”)
Number 4.
Ms. A., LCSW: “A therapist should never give any specific advice or direction. Clients need to find the answers for themselves.”
CNL: “Is that right?” So, you’re into purely supportive, nondirective therapy?” (Holy cow! Not everyone needs only a nonjudgmental sounding board. Many people need misinformation corrected and missing information provided, not to mention specific behavioral change encouraged.)
Number 5.
Dr. M.: “ I’d like to refer a female client to you for specific trauma therapy.”
CNL: “Great, thanks for thinking of me. What sort of trauma has she suffered?”
Dr. M.: “She was sold into slavery as a child.”
CNL: “Oh my god, that’s awful! How old is she? When did this happen?”
Dr. M.: “She remembers being very young at the time and that it happened during an earlier life.”
CNL: “Um, excuse me?”
Dr. M.: “Yes, we discovered it during past-life, regression hypnosis.”
CNL: “Okay, well, thanks. Please feel free to give her my number in case she’d like to call me.” (Are you for real!? Past life trauma? You have got to be kidding me!”)
While I hope you found these transcripts amusing, please keep in mind that they are truthful and accurate exchanges that I had with actual, licensed, mental health providers, including psychiatrists, psychologists, and clinical social workers. Not so funny anymore, huh?
Remember: Think well, Act well, Feel well, Be well! (And choose your therapist well!)
Copyright by Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D.