"I want to stop smoking, but I'm not ready yet."
"I just wish I had the guts to get a divorce."
"This job is killing me - I've got to get out of this place."
Call it emotional inertia - the gap between the idea of change and the action. Why is it often so hard to make the liberating changes we know we need to make? If a person judges the current situation as unacceptable, then why doesn't he or she "just do it?"
The answer lies in the way we emotionalize our decisions.
Picture a see-saw, or a balance scale. On one side is a clear, simple, well-formed statement of intent: "I want something better than this."
But on the other side of the see-saw there's a vague, unarticulated, nonverbal, fuzzy, diffuse "threat fantasy." Some ill-formed expectation of discomfort or suffering that we associate with the change. We withdraw from it instinctively; we don't really want to think about it.
In order to make the see-saw tip in favor of the change we'd like to make, we have to increase the "emotional weight" of the intention and decrease the emotional weight of the blocking fantasy.
Stated another way, we have to get to a place where we want it more than we fear it. We need to embrace the thoughts and fantasies associated with the change, not avoid them.
There are three steps involved in this emotional transition.
Step 1
Make your stated intention more specific and more valuable. If you want to stop smoking, or get back in shape, or get a better job, write down a description of the new state of affairs. Then itemize the benefits you'll enjoy when you get there. Study the list over and over, and start selling yourself on those benefits.
Step 2
Weaken the threat fantasy by making it more specific and more tangible. Don't keep blocking it out of consciousness - confront it, engage it, and analyze it. Do you expect to feel lousy when your body reacts to the nicotine deprivation? How bad? For how long? Do you think you'll be unpleasantly hungry when you go back on the healthy eating plan? How hungry? For how long? Will you be overwhelmed by the anger of the person or people who don't want you to change? Study each part of the threat fantasy; picture it, experience it, and feel it. As you do, you'll probably conclude that it won't actually be that bad.
Step 3
Imagine a three-day "period of adjustment." What would the first 24 hours be like? Could you survive whatever experience that involves? What about day two? Day three?
Curiously, this critical 72-hour period could turn out to be a special journey - an experience that propels you into the new way of behaving and living. For example, people who quit smoking typically report that the experience is much less taxing after the first 72 hours, as their bodies begin to throw off the stored toxins. They feel better, not worse.
A few days after starting a new eating plan, you'll have figured out what to eat and how, and you might not feel like you're "on a diet."
A few days after you get back to your exercise routine, the soreness goes away and you're already feeling better.
You'll also find that, once you get past the critical 72-hour period of adjustment, you'll be more attentive to the benefits of the change and less preoccupied with the challenges. You'll have tilted the see-saw in your favor, so to speak.
Get Ready, Get Set ...
How to get started? Set a target date for the change - the first day of your special 72-hour adventure. Devote a few days before the start date to thinking positively and optimistically about the experience. Train yourself to look forward to the experience, and dwell on the positive feelings you can expect to have once you get "over the hump."
To help you program your thinking, put three note cards in your pocket or purse, labeled with the date and day of the week for each of the three days, respectively. These will become a miniature diary, or experience log, to help you stay focused.
Go!
When Day #1 of the 72-hour period begins, as soon as you wake up, write down how you're feeling, on the card for that day. Two or three times that day, stop and pay attention to the way you're feeling, and refocus your attention on your purpose. Write any other notes that might be helpful.
Do the same on Day #2 and Day #3.
You may very well discover that making the change has become less of a big deal than you originally expected. After the first 72 hours, you may have reclaimed your freedom, and the see-saw will be moving your way.
References:
Weil, Andrew MD, Spontaneous Happiness: A New Path to Emotional Well-Being. New York: Little, Brown & Co., 2011.
Novella, Steven MD, "Your Deceptive Brain" audio lecture series. Chantilly, VA: The Teaching Company, 2013.