"I'm kind of loving Adam, but I'm not sure." Alicia said.
"Tell me more." I suggested.
Alicia responded quickly. "He's attentive, good company, and has a sense of humor. He told me he had a great long-term marriage." She hesitated then continued, "But one day, she upped and left him. He never knew why. I guess they had no transparency."
I asked, "Do you think intimacy involves transparency?"
"I certainly do. I think full disclosure is an essential key to trust and love." She said emphatically.
I then asked, "Did you disclose everything about yourself to him, like your previous three marriages?"
Looking down Alicia said quietly, "I told him a lot about me, but I guess not everything."
"Like?" I asked.
Head still bowed, Alicia said, "I simply said I'd been married before; but I didn't say how many times".
"And why is that?" I asked.
Making eye contact, she explained, "He may not like that I'm a three time loser."
"You've no doubt gained valuable experience in the process and you've learned and grown a great deal from it." I reframed her conclusion.
"I don't think he'd see it that way." Alicia said.
"So your insecurity keeps you from disclosing your past." I interpreted.
The sheepish look didn't want to leave her face as she said, "I want him to love me and respect me. I guess I'm insecure that he may not."
I then went on to explain, "By trying so hard to please him, you are fettered to him and at his mercy to accept you or not. I can see why you're not sure you love him. Indeed, before you can love someone else you must love yourself. By love yourself, I don't mean self-centeredness; instead loving yourself requires a healthy sense of self worth. Then you will feel confident about disclosing your past."
"I see, but there's something else. I'm a private person and I don't always want to disclose everything." She said.
Transparency in our private love lives can be tricky. There is a delicate balance between privacy and transparency; it is not clear cut act. What about transparency in our public lives? Is that clear cut? It seems not to be the case.
Elizabeth Rosenthal in the NY Times, Sunday Review, 1-23-12 article I Disclose... Nothing sheds light on the fallacy of disclosure in our public lives. The article states that in matters of finance and medicine, transparency follows the letter of the law but not the spirit. Similarly, in our love lives transparency does not follow the spirit of what is best for the relationship.
Disclosure without taking responsibility is nothing at all. Ms Rosenthal writes that the subprime mortgage lenders submitted elaborate disclosure statements required by law but they knew most people would not read them, Indeed, the mortgage buyers did not read the details, got unqualified loans, and went underwater. The results were disastrous for our economy.
Similarly if you disclose something like your complete family history to your partner, without explaining the effect it had on you, he or she may also not get the spirit of your disclosure. The fallout on your relationship can also be disastrous. .
Then again, if you have cheated on your spouse, and he or she does not suspect anything, is it wise to disclose? Is a confession for your benefit, to absolve yourself of guilt, or is it for the benefit of your spouse? Then again outright lies don't lead to real intimacy either. So what's a loving partner to do?
I would suggest that before you disclose personal details to your partner examine the purpose of that disclosure. Are you disclosing for the sake of greater intimacy or as a confession for your own benefit? Will it help or hurt the other person? Will transparency lead to greater trust, empathy, or simply to suspicion and distrust?
In our love lives, disclosure that can be processed and understood is of prime importance on our relationships. Most of us, want to paint the best picture of ourselves and not disclose dark secrets. Alas, that is only in the interest of preserving a false sense of self. If you want intimacy and true love, it can't be built on what you want your partner to see, but on who you really are.
For more on a false and true self, read my book The New Science of Love: How Understanding the Brain's Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship (Sourcebooks, Casablanca, 2011).
Email: drpraver@cs.com
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