"How do I give my child a self-esteem?"
"If my child doesn't get a [fill in with sticker, souvenir, lollipop, trophy etc] won't that damage his self-esteem?"
People ask me lots of questions about self-esteem as if it's an entity or unit that can be measured. Yet "the self- esteem" doesn't sit in some mysterious place in our minds or bodies. It isn't an organ like the appendix--that even though we're not exactly sure what it does, it's better to have one than not have one. You can't give self-esteem to your child as a gift. It's by-product of experiential learning. It must be earned.
Real self-esteem consists of having accurate perceptions of your capabilities, your strengths and weaknesses. Living with values; accepting achievements and failures; and being able to keep the opinions of others in perspective are all components of this most intangible yet essential component of psychological well-being. And self-worth directs behavior like a compass.
Nurturing a healthy self-esteem in your child is done like any other aspect of skill development. Time is the currency of self-esteem. Building authentic self-esteem in a child takes a lot of time and energy; it requires positive active teaching and coaching. Without question, each child will require different levels of guidance and ways of coaching.
Respect--along with the love and support you express to your child--goes a much longer way toward shaping self-esteem than empty praise or harsh criticism.
The necessary approach is one where clear, kind limits are in concert with age-appropriate freedom; where your actions match your words; where hurts and struggles are validated and processed and put into perspective; where mistakes are made and your child is accepted and loved anyway.
If you believe like I do that self-esteem is the result of actions, then building a healthy one will be done differently than if you believe one can be handed to your child by saying, "You're special."
Here are my top strategies for building an authentic self-esteem in your child:
- Make rewards internal not external--Say, "You must feel great to have hit that grand slam." No need for a trophy here. Feeling good is its own reward.
- Be instructive and constructive--Give honest feedback about what your child does that's working, as well as what he needs to do to learn and grow.
- Be considerate and compassionate to your child--Having age-appropriate expectations respects his or her individual ways of learning.
- Be loving and affectionate to yourself--Set limits on negative self-talk. When you role modele respect it goes a long way toward helping your child develop a healthy self-esteem.
Spending time with your child doing something you both enjoy is good place to start in demonstrating to your child he or she is worth the effort. For more in depth information on self-esteem in children see the collection of great books I've listed below.
Books that explore this topic
Nonfiction: The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field by Nathaniel Branden
Self-help Parenting: The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance by Polly Young-Eisendrath
Novel: Parents Behaving Badly by Scott Gummer (In this fictional story, Gummer explores competition among parents and the impact on kids)
Lynne Griffin teaches family studies at the graduate level and she's the author of the parenting guide Negotiation Generation, and the family novels Sea Escape and Life Without Summer. You can find her online at www.LynneGriffin.com, at www.Twitter.com/Lynne_Griffin and at www.Facebook.com/LynneGriffin.