Few people relish endings. Both job loss and relationship endings can feel awkward to the initiator and awful to the receiver. It is possible though to handle a termination in a way that minimizes the likelihood that the ending will create a depression. Interestingly, the same strategy works whether you are the one who gives or the one who receives the bad news.
How you talk about the breakup is likely to determine if the receiver of the bad news will end up depressed.
One swift cut.
In a physical surgery one swift clean surgical cut will result in faster healing than a messy tear. Emotional severances follow this same principle. Elizabeth Svoboda's posting on breakups addresses this principle nicely.
Here's a short version of how the swift clean cut to end a relationship might sound.
"I've made a tough decision. I've decided to leave this relationship. The match just doesn't feel right for me. In many ways it's hard for me to leave. There is much I find attractive about you. At the same time, there's enough non-matching, especially about our (specify the most importantt way in which you differ) that I've decided to say goodbye."
A clean cut.
Prevention of infection is vital in surgical procedures. The wound must be kept clean. The same is true in emotional severances. Beware of infecting the event with negative messages about the person being let go. Any "you are not ok" message slows healing and invites longer-term distress.
At the same time as negative messages about the person contaminate healing, it can be helpful for the terminee to learn what the problem and what specific behaviors factored into the relationship termination. Here's an example:
"I don't love you anymore because you're a slut" is obviously less than helpful. It's a negative message about the person, their character traits, their identity.
By contrast, here's a message about the problem and about specific behaviors that exemplify the problem. "I have decided to end the relationship because when you looked to me like you were flirting with other men at parties, I became distrustful that our relationship would be stable in the long run. Once I feel distrustful, that's like a broken vase. I'm not willing to try to repair it."
Specifying specific behaviors that a person can choose to change in future relationships takes courage. There's always the risk of the information being received defensively and then responding with an argument. At the same time, information about specific behaviors that were off-putting gifts the person you are leaving with information that they could potentially utilize for better relationships in the future..
Communication. Post-surgical healing is likely to proceed more rapidly if there has been sufficient pre and post-op communication between the patient and the doctor.
Sharing information alleviates the anxiety generated by not knowing. In medicine the communication might address why the procedure is necessary, the risks, what the doctor will be doing, what recovery will entail, and post-surgically what happened during the surgery, what the patient is feeling, why those feelings are occurring, and what they can do about it.
Information-sharing communication also conveys the nature of the power relationship. In medicine it conveys that in spite of the doctor's clear role as the expert, doctor and patient will interact as a collaborative team. The doctor-patient hierarchy in this regard will feel relatively flat, i.e., like cooperation between two equally respectable people.
Similarly, sufficient communication between a person ending a relationship and the person receiving a good-bye relieves the anxiety generated by insufficient understanding. It also conveys that the relationship is one of mutual side-by-side respect as opposed to a relationship of a winner (the person who is leaving) and a loser (the one who is being left).
The latter factor is the anti-depressant ingredient. Collaborative two-way communication can enable the healing process to move forward as recovery from grief. A dominant-submissive, winner-loser relationship by contrast invites the healing process to stall, miring the loser in protracted bereavement and depression.
What is the difference between grief and depression?
Grieving entails sadness. Triggered by loss, feelings of sadness are akin to the tenderness and soreness of post-surgical wound healing. "I miss him so much," expresses the sadness of a normal grief response.
Depression goes beyond sadness to the experience of what psychologist Aaron Beck labeled the negative cognitive triad: fixed negative thoughts about the self, others, and the future. "I was such a fool to trust him. He lied to me when he said he loved me! I'll never trust a man again. That's it for me on relationships." This kind of negative talk would be characteristic of a depressive reaction.
What triggers depression?
Depression results from dominant-submissive, winer-loser, interactions. If one person says "I'm leaving" or "I'm firing you," and the other has no voice, the person in the dominant position is likely to emerge with minimal feelings about the event other than relief. The powerless person however may be plunged into a long-lasting depression.
By contrast, if a termination discussion includes sufficient bilateral (two-sided) information exchange, the termination will still be likely to bring forth sadness, but will be significantly less likely to provoke a depression. That's because when both participants have a voice the process switches from feeling dominant-submissive to feeling collaborative.
How could dialogue make a difference if the outcome is still going to be the end of the relationship?
A brief but sufficiently back-and-forth dialogue offers an opportunity for the person receiving the bad news to verbalize concerns, questions and feelings and also to digest the termination aloud. A termination conversation of this sort creates a feeling of participatory partnership as opposed to unilateral victimization. The odds of depression then zoom downward.
When there has been two-way discussion, the feeling of cooperative interaction remains in spite of the fact that the decision itself will be unchanged. The person who is being dismissed feels respected along with rejected. Sharing sufficient information about the dismissal and listening to the dismissed person's responses are acts of respect that can be profoundly emotionally empowering
What are some nitty-gritty how-to's of this kind of dialogue?
The principles and sentence starters that follow establish a collaborative process even if the decision to end a relationship has been made unilaterally.
I have described several of these sentece starters in an earlier posting on sentece starters that get dialogue off on the right foot.
Note that if someone is ending a relationship with you, you can still take the lead in using these principles to keep the dialogue feeling collaborative. While your loved one's departure may still trigger sadness, it will be less likely to trigger a depressive reaction if you are able to keep the discussion going long evnough to cover the areas suggested below.
One last key reminder. Be sure to keep the tone calm. If you escalate emotionally, you are likely to invite a premature ending to the discussion.
I. Start with a warning intro.
"I've got something on my mind that I'd like to talk over with you. How would feel about sitting together and talking quietly for a bit?"
An intro works like signs on a curvy mountain road that warn of specific dangers ahead. Drivers can prepare themselves for the challenges of risky sharp twists in the road if they have been warned.
II. Say your decision simply and in a manner that is straight-forward with zero ambiguity.
Own the decision as yours.
I have decided to _________.
Avoid we, we should, or worse, I think we should.
Saying we should... sounds hesitant and invites disagreement. For example, "We should..." invites back, "No, I think we should..."
Talking with the pronoun we instead of using I is probably the error that people most frequently make when they are trying to close a relationship.
III. Give one or a few specifics about your concerns.
I made this decision mainly because I ________________.
When you _______ I felt __________________________.
My concern is that _______________________________.
"I have decided to end the relationship because I'm at an age now where I'm looking to find a permanent marriage partner. My concern is that as much as I do like/love you, I see too many differences, both in our backgrounds and in our future life pathways to become your spouse. In my gut, the matching doesn't fit for me. So I"ve decided to move on."
Note that the rationale of insufficient matching is one of the more digestible explanations. A mismatch rationale is especially helpful in workplace scenarios. It tends to feel relatively benign because blame for the breakup is attributed to the mismatch, that is, to the situation rather than to the person.
To give feedback about the specific behaviors that have been problematic for you, using a when-you can help you to keep returning to I-messages.
"When you sometimes talk in a grumpy or gruff way I react quietly on the outside but strongly on the inside. I want a life that's free of gruff, grumpy or angry voice tones. Negative energy is totally off-putting for me."
When does giving information about the other's mistakes help?
In general, specific frank feedback about the other's mistakes can be helpful to offer if your sense is that the person you are breaking with has the capacity to learn from mistakes. If s/he is likely to respond with attacking the messenger (you) rather than learning, minimize the feedback about his/her errors and/or make the breakup all about you and about the situation (mismatch, etc).
You might ask the person you are leaving if they want you to explain the determining factors prior to verbalizing them. Some folks would rather not know. Others clearly request "What did I do wrong?"
If you are going to proceed with information-sharing, proceed with caution. If you note that the information is creating inflammation rather than soothing or healing, you might want to exit the topic.
III. Invite feedback. Keep the dialogue symmetrical.
"How are you feeling about my decision?"
"I'm shocked. I thought we had such a great relationship."
Good questions begin with How or What. These open-ended question words invite more thought and more information sharing than starter words like Do you..., Are you..., Will you...etc.
IV. Agree and add.
Be sure to respond aloud, not just by thinking silently, to the feedback you receive about your decision. In your response, remind yourself to find something to agree with. Avoid becoming defensive.
"Yes, it makes sense to me that you...."
Chew on the answers you receive, thinking aloud about them. Again, be sure you start by chewing on what you agree with before you begin to add your alternative perspective.
"I can totally understand your sense of shock. I also have enjoyed so much of our time together. And at the same time, for me there were pieces missing in the matching that have increasingly troubled me. That's why I've decided to leave."
V. Conclude with positives. Then minimize further contact.
There is an adage in the marriage therapy world that people have to come together in order to come apart. A few fond words, a warm embrace, and a clear wish for all the best in the future enable a couple to implement this adage, exit on a positive note, and depart in different directions.
One or two subsequent connections might prove helpful. More than that will probably just prolong the agony of separation. Repeated reconnecting-disconnecting conersations means that someone is not giving, or not receiving, a clear "The End" message. If so, clean up your ambivalence and proceed with one last clear, clean and swift closure.
From that point forward, the less contact the two of you have, the sooner you will both let go of the past and move forward with your lives.
Click here for Dr. Heitler's clinical practice website.
Click here for Dr. Heitler's online program that teaches skills for sensitive couple communications.