[A guest post by Arnie Swartz, Denver divorce mediator]
Parents who are going through separation and divorce face a dilemma: Do they want to include their children in decision-making about the parenting plan? And if so, how should their voices be included?
The degree to which children should be involved is controversial.
Some people believe that children should have full participation in the decision-making about with whom they will live when, and how to divide their time. Other people believe children should have no say at all. There also is a full range of perspectives between these two extremes.
One question is when children's input is likely to prove helpful. For instance, children can be encouraged to voice their concerns prior to the parents' creating a plan. Alternatively children can offer suggestions regarding what kinds of arrangement they would prefer.
Do children want to add their input? The answer seems in most cases to be a resounding yes. In a recent study, 29 children ages 7-17 whose parents were involved in custody disputes had been asked by divorce professionals if they wanted to give input. Some were represented by an attorney, some met with a mental health professional, and some had been interviewed by a judge. The researchers found that “many children want to be heard and want a say in how they are to be involved in the legal process, but few want to make the decisions about their future.” (Bala and Birnbaum)
Joan McWilliams, in her book on parenting plans, talks about a child-inclusive parenting plan which she defines as “one that incorporates your child’s ideas and preferences. It is a way to acknowledge your children and include them in the formation of your post-divorce family. Children usually want to speak - especially older children. Even younger children have good ideas about things that affect their lives. We need to listen to them.” (McWilliams, page 101)
Other divorce professionals however believe that children should never be involved in parenting decisions, regardless of their age and maturity level. Their concern is that asking children for their opinion may automatically put them in the middle. No matter how the situation is structured, this line of thinking assumes, children who are given a say end up feeling like they have to choose between their parents, which is an ultimate loyalty bind.
What are some of the factors to consider in deciding whether, when and how to provide children with an opportunity to add their voice to the process?
One factor is age. The older the children, the more weight should probably be given to what they say. It is unlikely that a child younger than seven or eight would be asked for input. The opposite is true for an adolescent.
Another factor to consider is the child’s maturity level, which may not match his/her chronological age.
A third factor is the quality of the relationship between each parent and each child. If the overall family relationships are positive and relatively conflict-free, children's input can be both valuable and unlikely to invite retribution from a parent or loyalty issues from the children. On the other hand, if the relationship between a child and a parent, or between the two parents, has been contentious, the input may be tainted by fears and otherconsiderations that are more about the family’s dynamics than about the best interests of the child.
An additional factor to consider is the child’s temperament. A resilient child who copes well is likely to be able to add significant information. Children who are having a hard time adjusting may be more likely to have a view of the situation that is torqued by anger, by wishful thinking or by having become a mouthpiece for one or the other parent.
One concept that can be helpful is to distinguish between concerns and solutions. It may virtually always be helpful if children can voice their concerns. Poposing solutions, by contrast, is where loyalty and safety issues are most likely to be potential difficulties.
It is important for parents to be clear about how the children’s input will be utilized.
Do parents want to give the children the ultimate authority to decide? In most instances this strategy is imappropriate as it invites collapsed hierarchy, that is, a hierarchy in which the children run the family.
At the same time, mature adolescents sometimes know best what will work for them. They also may benefit from being able to initiate adjustments in the arrangement as changes evolve in what they need from each parent or in their school schedules.
Do parents want to present a proposed parenting time schedule and use their children's input to fine-tune it?
Do parents want to elicit information about their children's underlying concerns? Would they like to seek ideas from their children about possible parenting plan solutions? If so it can be important to clarify to children from the outset that in addition to their concerns and solution ideas, both parents' concerns plus input from divorce professionals all will be factored in to the eventual solution.
Finally, it's important to clarify to the children who will make the decisions: for instance, will the decision be made by a judge? by the parents themselves with a rubber stamp from the court system? oby the parents with the help of a mediator? If children know in advance that the decision is not in their parents' hands alone, they are less likely to blame a parent for a plan that displeases them.
Avenues for information gathering.
To obtain input from children one avenue is to get their viewpoints via a psychotherapist, especially if they already are engaged in therapy. This strategy may help to minimize children’s feelings of being caught in the middle.
Another option is for children to participate in mediation by speaking directly to both parents with the mediator’s help.
A Child and Family Investigator or a Child’s Legal Representative can prove to be a helpful neutral person to whom children can voice their concerns and suggestions.
While there are some valid concerns (loyalty, safety, etc) about giving children an opportunity to have a voice in the process, overall the benefits of a better plan, more closely tailored to the child's needs and preferences, often outweight the risks, particulalry when their input is structured in a manner that is sensitive to children's needs and that minimizes the potential dangers.
References
Bala, Nicholas and Birnbaum, Rachel, Listening to Children in Custody Disputes. Lawyers Weekly, April 8, 2011 issue, LexisNexis, Canada.
McWilliams, Joan, Parenting Plans For Families After Divorce (2011). Denver: McWilliams Mediation Group.
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Arnold Swartz is a Denver mediator, consultant and trainer who has been mediating divorce, business and organizational matters for 30 years.
Further reading
8 Guidelines for a Friendly Divorce