If you want to truly connect with someone, talk about what matters...what really matters! Too often we interact with others (and make judgments about them as well) based on very superficial information such as appearances. Or we don't feel that we really connect with someone partially because our conversation is about something that isn't very fulfilling or satisfying. We leave a conversation with a friend, colleague, love interest, or acquaintance feeling empty and unfulfilled.
This morning at a breakfast meeting with several friends someone (who happens to be from Chile originally) made a statement that was very revealing to me regarding this point. He expressed his frustration that Americans too often in conversation focus on fairly superficial matters such as sports, family (and especially children's) activities such as vacations, school and extra-curricular activities, and such. He longed for deeper conversation among friends and associates about things that truly matter. In his view, this includes so many of the topics that we have often been trained to avoid in order to minimize potential conflict in polite company such as politics and religion for example. He thinks that many of his Europeans and South American friends are more comfortable having these deeper conversations than most of the Americans that he knows. My friend offers an interesting perspective. Are Americans too superficial in conversations that result in less connection and intimacy with others?
Here at Santa Clara University, we have an ongoing lecture series entitled, "What matters to me and why." It is a wonderful program where various members of the university community are asked to answer this question during an hour lunch event. The talks are always so interesting, revealing, and intimate. Additionally, they provide an opportunity for a more nuanced, richer, and deeper connection to colleagues as well that seem to last for a very long time after the talk. I see them through a different light after this experience and with more connection and intimacy.
Perhaps this "what matters to me and why" question should be asked of many of the people that we interact with on a regular basic. Rather than talking about sports, weather, the latest Hollywood gossip, or the latest sales around town, perhaps we should ask those who we really want to connect with or get to know, "What matters to you and why?"
I'd guess that it would result in more thoughtful, meaningful, and satisfying connections than we even might imagine. Give it a try. See what happens.
What do you think?