The Best Mothers’ Day Gift

It is that time of year again, when the ads for flowers abound, and we search the greeting card racks for that perfect message to let Mom know how we feel.  For me, Mother’s Day has always been difficult.  I was raised by three very different and very strong-willed women, my mother, my maternal grandmother and my aunt. My mother was in a terrible car accident when I was very little, just after my father died, so my grandmother and my aunt became my surrogate mothers.  I lived with my grandmother for many years, both before my mother recovered, and as an extended family after my mother returned home.  It was an emotionally closed house, quiet and stern.  I spent more weekends than I can remember at my aunt’s house, where my love of books was championed and my literary aspirations were supported.  But in the houses I grew up in, few family stories were told, either about my early life experiences or about the experiences of my three mother figures before I was born.  I grew up feeling like I did not belong anywhere. 

As I grew into adolescence, my love of literature led me to think more about my own family story.  I began to ask questions of my mother, my grandmother and my aunt.  What were their lives like when they were young, how did their lives unfold, what were their dreams and disappointments?  As I heard these stories, I began to understand my family life in new ways.  My grandmother had a difficult life, growing up in poverty in a Jewish ghetto in New York City.  She was a young wife with two young daughters (my mother and aunt) during the depression.  Her stoicism began to make more sense to me.  But she also told me stories of wild motorcycle rides with young boyfriends before she met my grandfather, and of dance clubs and romance.  This was a woman I did not know growing up!  But as she told these stories, I began to understand the person she had become.  My mother had a very different story – a much more privileged upbringing. My mother was a party girl, never taking anything too seriously, until she become a widow with two young daughters at the age of 29, with no skills, and compromised health. And my aunt, most like me, quiet and studious, a bit of an outsider, and always trying to make sure everyone else was happy. 

Learning their stories helped me understand so much about our family dynamics, about who they were and who I was.  Research from the Family Narratives Lab shows how important these kinds of family stories are, especially for adolescents.  Adolescents who know stories about their parents’ childhoods, and especially their mother’s stories, show higher levels of self-esteem, fewer behavior problems and more social and academic competence.  Knowing stories about their mothers’ childhood anchors adolescents in the world, and helps them navigate their own challenging transitions into adulthood.  These stories continue to be important throughout adulthood in the transition to parenting, and facing new life challenges.  Kate McLean at Western Washington University have shown how the stories that mothers and daughters share about their difficult and vulnerable moments growing up not only bring them closer together but provide coping strategies for both mother and daughter.  We learn how to cope with life’s little and big problems through stories of how others have managed. 

So, this Mother’s Day, buy your Mom flowers.  But also ask her for her story. Ask your Mom stories about her childhood and young adulthood – where she was born, grew up, went to school, what her most memorable moments are, her most prized accomplishments and her worst embarrassments! 

And just as important, for many of us, mothers come in unusual packages.  My biological mother is part of my story.  But for me, my grandmother and my aunt were as important in mothering me as my mother.  For others, these relations may not even be biological – stepmothers, guardians, teachers, mentors.  As the African proverb tell us, “it takes a village.”   Their stories are your stories as well.  In a review of the research on overcoming childhood adversity, Sarah-Jane Winders concludes that having a strong secure relationship with an adult, whether biological or not, is one of the most important factors for healthy outcome.  And these relationships are forged through stories. 

So, this Mother’s Day, honor all your mothers by asking for their stories.  Asking for their stories is your gift to them; sharing their stories is their gift to you.